Bontragers and Bowers 4: Dumbass Love for the Romantic Lost Cause

[kmachete14]

Wasn't Allison just pictured on instagram with one of her sisters and 5 young men, including two Bates boys and Loganflys4Jesus? Maybe one of them is her secrete Valentine. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

5 minutes ago, kmachete14 said:

Wasn't Allison just pictured on instagram with one of her sisters and 5 young men, including two Bates boys and Loganflys4Jesus? Maybe one of them is her secrete Valentine. 

No. That was the Wissmann girls. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I’m agnostic so her ramblings sound ridiculous to my agnostic ears. But even my bff (who is a Christian) would read that rambling bullshit and go “WTF?”

So many young fundie women seem to completely overthink everything and are encouraged to do so by posts like this. 

Edited February 12, 2020 by JermajestyDuggar

[fundiefan]

13 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I’m agnostic so her ramblings sound ridiculous to my agnostic ears. But even my bff (who is a Christian) would read that rambling bullshit and go “WTF?”

So many young fundie women seem to completely overthink everything and are encouraged to do so by posts like this. 

It's also indicative of what they've been taught - god will give you a husband in his time & he already knows who it is. Since that decision is already made, the girls are not to go out "looking" for a man or pining for love or praying for a husband. They are to sit idly by, do as they're told, and wait until god reveals the husband chosen for them since the dawn of time. 

Convenient thing for fundie parents to teach their daughters so they themselve can choose a spouse when they are ready. 

Ready any courtship story (the Staddon's are epic) about how the girl had "other" plans but god said otherwise; how they didn't even think of each other but god said otherwise; they didn't even like that particular guy/girl, but god said otherwise. 

Basically, they are all passive puppets and their god pulls the strings. That way, they don't have to think. Or, actually, take responsibility for what they think/want/choose. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

Just now, fundiefan said:

Basically, they are all passive puppets and their god pulls the strings. That way, they don't have to think. Or, actually, take responsibility for what they think/want/choose. 

What’s craziest about it all is that they are taught that they don’t need to think about these things because it’s all in God’s plan and they just need to be content. But obviously all of these young women are CONSTANTLY thinking about all aspects of this. They think about thinking too much about it. It’s all one big mind fuck!

[therulesofjinx]

Today's post is just....ugh. She writes about true love and real romance and what that is- but what qualifies her to write that? Of course, she could currently be in a relationship/courtship that hasn't been announced- but as far as we know, she's never been in a relationship. Actually, much of the post leads me to wonder if she's had one or more failed attempts at getting to know someone- she mentions making sure that your man is honest and doesn't have wandering eyes.

Also, there's a section of the post with the heading "Real Romance Is:" and she mentions babies and morning sickness more than once (such as, real romance is a man holding his wife's hand while she throws up from morning sickness)- because in her world, a married woman should always be pregnant or have babies.

[HereticHick]

"Real romance is a husband who does a household chore for his wife just to bless her."

Oh, Allison. Bless your Heart.

[fundiefan]

I read that and had to hold down my stomach contents. 

What qualifies her to just anyone else's marriage? What qualifies her to say what true love is? What the ever loving eff qualifies her to judge the marriages around her as not true love because they fight or bicker or don't praise the penis to the ends of the earth? 

I know this is typical of fundie SAHD's. They've been programmed & raised to believe & see life as only one way and everything else is bad/of the devil/wrong/whatever. But, to be honest,  I find it disturbing. 

Not only that she believes all the malarky, but that she thinks she's expert enough to share with others and teach them something? 

Someone needs to marry that girl and impregnate her soon or she is going to combust with her desperation and beint the ONE to have all the answers. 

[anachronistic]

I send a Valentine’s Day card to my mom because she loves cards and always sends one to me. I think cards are malarkey but it makes her happy. I know that my mom and many other grandmas send cards to their grandkids. I’ll occasionally exchange a card with a friend, too. But somehow, sending a card and gift to a married couple is.....weird. Anniversary is fine, but Valentine’s Day is icky. I don’t know why.

I noticed that Allison didn’t list a Sarah Maxwell as a single friend who inspired her. I kind of wish that she and Sarah would spend more time together. Allison at least has a goal in life and she’s thinking about that goal. Sarah would be a great wife and mother but she isn’t thinking about it because Steve hasn’t told her to. In Allison’s world, God sends your spouse. In Sarah’s world, her father does. 
 

If Allison doesn’t think it’s okay to pray for a future husband because God is in charge of that, I snarkily wonder, and wish I could ask her, if it’s okay to pray for a wife. Presumably her god isn’t in charge of finding wives for women though so I’d have to find another god.

[Lurkermember]

Who wants someone holding their hand while they're throwing up anyway? ? 

She really has no clue. I wonder if she has any idea what healthy conflict is? If she really thinks marriage is what she writes about, she is in for a world of disappointment. She sounds like she expects a husband to constantly be at his wife's side, giving her everything she needs, etc.

I'm having a hard time expressing myself, because I don't want it to sound like I think a husband shouldn't help his wife, but real life is not like she imagines! My husband helps when he can, but he works a lot, and the reality is that I mostly take care of myself and our house/kids (yes, I'm aware of how lucky I am to be able to stay home). Does she expect to be a stay at home mom with a husband who provides for her AND also does all of that stuff? I can't help but wonder if she sees her married brothers doing these things and thinks that's normal and how it should be. Most of us do not have husbands who are employed by a family business and can just stay home from work to help their wife. 

There's just so much wrong with her outlook. I'm a Christian, and I try to follow the "love is patient, kind, etc," but it goes both ways! Basically her entire post is about how she expects her husband to treat her. 

Edited February 13, 2020 by Lurkermember

[therulesofjinx]

16 minutes ago, Lurkermember said:

Who wants someone holding their hand while they're throwing up anyway? ? 

I thought the same thing! I'd much rather be alone in the bathroom with the door closed!

23 minutes ago, Lurkermember said:

She sounds like she expects a husband to constantly be at his wife's side, giving her everything she needs, etc.

I do a lot around the house and I sometimes feel overwhelmed (and we don't even have kids! just three guinea pigs who are VERY vocal and bossy) but I also don't expect my fiance to be right by my side helping me get things done. We both work full-time jobs, but his is much more demanding than mine. He leaves before me in the morning and gets back after me in the evening. He does chores and house projects when he can and takes over cooking dinner on the weekends. It's all about teamwork and dividing/conquering and playing to your strengths. I also think if he were constantly at my side, I would go nuts. It would feel controlling (although he is not in any way controlling!)- but that's unfortunately probably what Allison sees in a lot of the couples in her life. She mistakes a husband who is closely watching his wife's every move for a husband who is supportive.  

[fundiefan]

24 minutes ago, Lurkermember said:

Who wants someone holding their hand while they're throwing up anyway? ? 

She really has no clue. I wonder if she has any idea what healthy conflict is? If she really thinks marriage is what she writes about, she is in for a world of disappointment. She sounds like she expects a husband to constantly be at his wife's side, giving her everything she needs, etc.

I'm having a hard time expressing myself, because I don't want it to sound like I think a husband shouldn't help his wife, but real life is not like she imagines! My husband helps when he can, but he works a lot, and the reality is that I mostly take care of myself and our house/kids (yes, I'm aware of how lucky I am to be able to stay home). Does she expect to be a stay at home mom with a husband who provides for her AND also does all of that stuff? I can't help but wonder if she sees her married brothers doing these things and thinks that's normal and how it should be. Most of us do not have husbands who are employed by a family business and can just stay home from work to help their wife. 

There's just so much wrong with her outlook. I'm a Christian, and I try to follow the "love is patient, kind, etc," but it goes both ways! Basically her entire post is about how she expects her husband to treat her. 

No, she doesn't. Because she has no clue that it even can be healthy. In her world, she, the female, submits to the male; the penis. Period. There is no such thing as conflict when you submit to your husband. None. You have no opinion, so you don't fight. You have no opinion, so you don't disagree. Hell, she thinks real romance is a husband doing a chore to "bless" his wife, not because a shared relationship = shared responsibilities. It's her JOB to do the work in the house and if he feels like it, he'll "bless" her by taking out the garbage. So, clearly, they will never have a productive argument about making sure what needs to be done is done without making an issue of it. She'll never ask him why he suddenly stopped taking the garbage out after typically having done it in the past - she'll never end up in an argument/deep conversation/heated discussion about him stopping to make some point he couldn't/wouldn't communicate otherwise. 

In Allison's world, and the world of SAHD's, there is no such thing as healthy conflict. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

Her posts are so know it all and smug. I think fundie girls who are finally in a relationship often act like this. They think they finally found the one so they know exactly how others should go about finding the right one. At least Chelsy doesn’t come across as a smug know it all now that she’s married and pregnant with baby 2.

[JermajestyDuggar]

Don’t forget what Allison wrote about what she did on Valentines Day last year. My face cringed so hard I thought it might turn inside out.

[HereticHick]

Maybe if I make fun of Mr. Possum in front of Allison, she won't send us a card about our #blessed marriage.

Because I sometimes DO make fun of Mr. Possum, because he's my big lovable forgetful dork.

[Kelsey]

Sending a card to her adult brothers from the perspective of their (potential) fute wife? Wtf. That's wildly inappropriate. I can't imagine writing my brother the things i write my husband. Wife and sister are two drastically different relationships. Also, they are teenagers, not adults at 17 and 19. I know the 19 yo is technically an adult but he lives at home with no autonomy or real responsibility= teenager, imo.

Holding hands while vomiting- someone is in for a rude awakening. 

[EmmaWoodhouse]

When my husband and I were married three or four months, I got the flu and he broached the idea of his calling in sick to work to stay home and cook, clean, and wait on me hand and foot.  (His dad was not the most considerate of men and he was trying to be a different kind of husband.)  I told him in no uncertain terms that, while I appreciated the thought, what I really wanted was a dark, quiet house and the money he would make by going into work that day.  I would lose it if he tried to hold my hand while I vomited.  And if he decided to get up and talk in the middle of the night I would want to kill him.  Allison has no clue.

[JermajestyDuggar]

I had morning sickness all through my pregnancies. If I was in the bathroom barfing because of the child my husband impregnated me with, I wanted to be alone. It’s embarrassing to throw up. You make weird noises and it smells terribly. Let me be gross in peace.

Edited February 13, 2020 by JermajestyDuggar

[fundiefan]

2 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I had morning sickness all through my pregnancies. If I was in the bathroom barfing because of the child my husband impregnated me with, I wanted to be alone. It’s embarrassing to throw up. You make weird noises and it smells terribly. Let me be gross in peace.

Yup. Even the whoe "your best friend holds your hair back when you barf" has never been my cup of tea. When I am throwing up, I'm convulsing, face & eyes bulging, body involuntarily doing all kinds of crap. It's a private matter between me and wherever I put my head. I don't want anyone holding my hand, holding my hair, waiting outside the door, nothing. Just go away and leave me alone. 

[anachronistic]

Okay, well, I do want someone with me when I throw up because I have huge panic attacks during them and become convinced that I’m going to die, and I want someone with me when I die. (Also they’re useful for the inevitable ER trip when I can’t keep my rescue meds down.) But that’s different - that’s a totally individual preference. Allison has envisioned her future husband in so much detail that I doubt any actual person can ever measure up. What if he is grossed out by vomit? Or has a job where he can’t take personal phone calls? Or doesn’t resemble or hold a candle to her brothers, who it seems that she’s built up in this weird Prince Charming fantasy of hers?

At this point her blog isn’t From Allison. It’s Desperately, (and a little creepily) Allison.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

2 hours ago, Lurkermember said:

Who wants someone holding their hand while they're throwing up anyway? ? 

Not me.  If you want to help, hold my hair back.

[Jasmar]

@anachronistic, I totally feel ya. I’ve had a vomiting phobia since childhood. While the last thing I want is to be touched when I’m nauseated, I totally get wanting to have someone trustworthy with me because of the terror. It’s not actually quite as bad as it used to be, after dealing with it on a regular basis in 2018 (bad gallbladder), but it’s still awful.

[AverageGiraffe]

Allison is her, what, mid twenties? The "romance is" list reads very much like something a 12 or 13 year old girl would write.  I wouldn't call any of that "romance". Sure, some of them could be signs of love (as another poster mentioned above, they need someone with them when they vomit and so for them, a partner staying nearby would be an act of love) but romance? I feel like she doesn't understand that love and romance have two separate definitions and that just because it's called "romantic love" doesn't mean that every act of love is also romance. 

This post shows me why so many fundie women seem/act so happy with the smallest kind acts from their husbands (see Jill's #besthubbyever or Second Sunday Amanda's constant waxing poetic about her AMAZING husband every time he does any little thing for her in her blog). When you consider things like "doing a chore for an exhausted sick woman" or "making dinner for the pregnant woman" a big romantic gesture, then every little thing is going to make a man seem like he's going above and beyond all comprehension because he loves you SO SO much-- even very basic things like "allowing" you to increase your grocery budget or bringing home soup on his way home from work when the kids have the flu. The bar is set so low for fundie men that it's not hard for them to hurdle over it and the women have been trained to see this as reaching new heights of romance instead of just being a normal, empathetic and reasonably caring human being. 

I've now written romance so many times that it looks weird. 

[Bethella]

11 minutes ago, AverageGiraffe said:

Allison is her, what, mid twenties?

She’s 25. 

[fundiefan]

I agree, she doesn't actually know what romance or true love are. And, it makes sense that she sounds like a 12 or 13 year old. She hasn't been allowed to mature past that, particularly in the world of romance & love. Unlike most 25 year olds, they've already had their heart broken a couple times, maybe their first teenage boyfriend then a college boyfriend or something. They've had experiences and learned from them. Allison has not. Allison still has fantasies because there is no experience to refute the fantasies.