Aunt Lori Alexander 22: Criticising your poop and pining for Gilead

[SilverBeach]

Are midwives required to carry malpractice insurance? Many OBs stopped delivering babies years ago because of prohibitive malpractice premiums, leading to shortages in some geographic areas. 

[mango_fandango]

Over here Midwifery is a degree, which takes three years. Nursing is also a degree now, and if you're a registered nurse you can become a midwife in 18 months. 

[EowynW]

11 minutes ago, SilverBeach said:

Are midwives required to carry malpractice insurance? Many OBs stopped delivering babies years ago because of prohibitive malpractice premiums, leading to shortages in some geographic areas. 

Depends on the state. Mine not required though many do. 

[Koala]

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Trey says:

June 21, 2017 at 3:46 pm

“I’ll ask my husband how he has always been able to effectively exert his authority over me in a loving way.”

I would like to hear the answer to that.

Reply

Or, Trey can realize that his wife is a grown woman and he has no authority over her whatsoever.  Then he can start focusing on making himself a halfway decent person, and stop spending his days on a blog that's supposedly for women.

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Ava says:

June 21, 2017 at 5:14 pm

We women have a special liability to men because of Eve. Our nature and weaknesses makes us need the close supervision of our fathers snd our husbands. The countries that enforce a strict dress code have the right idea. Our. country used to do that! I wish we had the morals and values of our great-grandmothers day! Women would dress right and men would treat them right! Now it’s a properly dressed woman that stands out!

The hell?? I mean really, what in darkest corners of hell is she babbling about?

[SilverBeach]

It would seem to be awfully risky to practice midwifery without insurance. That's a lot of financial risk in the event of a bad outcome that the parents hold the midwife responsible for.

Also, is there such a thing as a male midwife? Genuine question here. Me and everyone I know had doctor attended hospital births, in the big city.

 

[EowynW]

1 hour ago, SilverBeach said:

It would seem to be awfully risky to practice midwifery without insurance. That's a lot of financial risk in the event of a bad outcome that the parents hold the midwife responsible for.

Also, is there such a thing as a male midwife? Genuine question here. Me and everyone I know had doctor attended hospital births, in the big city.

 

Yes there are! I've seen them in other states and some overseas too. 

[KnittingOwl]

14 hours ago, KDA said:

I'm still trying to get my head around a comment someone made earlier about it costing thousands of dollars to deliver a baby. That is just mind-boggling! We have free maternity care here. i can't imagine having to pay for it. Does it still cost so much if you have a homebirth?

My friends had a home birth with a CNM. The prenatal checkups and home birth were $4,500, which didn't cover labs or ultrasounds. They had no insurance at the time, and this was much cheaper than going to the hospital. It was also baby #3. Her first was born in a hospital and the second at home. 

[FundieFarmer]

Could you imagine being the wife of Rob- who does seem like she has at least some fire to her- and finding out he'd been writing on Lori's blog and conversing with other women on how to control you? Fuck. No.

[Jelly Babies]

Yall. Come to Canada. Heathcare/maternity care is free, and the only thing you gotta pay is the ambulance 

Anyway, I saw this on the chat room, but since it was what made Lori go viral, I didn't think it was private. It kinda goes with the "serving your husband dinner and drinks" theme we got going.

[ViolaSebastian]

1 hour ago, desertvixen said:

The major thing I take away from the one picture Lori likes to use, with the gray top and the good lighting?

She's aged and not well. So much for big salads!

 

It's attractiveness snark, but if she can tell me my 36Gs are 'not looking so good,' I can post this quote by Ms. Coco Chanel.  BTW, Lori, if my gravy-lovin' southern boy is any indication, they are still MAGNIFICENT. 

[Chocolatedefrauded]

I would scandalize Lori today. It is so hot that I took my bra off after work and walked the dog with just a tee shirt. I wear a D cup. My hubby was with me & didn't even notice. If she was nearby & muttered something about modesty, I would chew her out! It would be fun even.

[EowynW]

16 minutes ago, Jelly Babies said:

Yall. Come to Canada. Heathcare/maternity care is free, and the only thing you gotta pay is the ambulance 

Anyway, I saw this on the chat room, but since it was what made Lori go viral, I didn't think it was private. It kinda goes with the "serving your husband dinner and drinks" theme we got going.

Oh lord not that again 

[delphinium65]

8 minutes ago, FundieFarmer said:

Could you imagine being the wife of Rob- who does seem like she has at least some fire to her- and finding out he'd been writing on Lori's blog and conversing with other women on how to control you? Fuck. No.

It would be a deal-breaker for me, both the attempt to control me and the going behind my back like that.  The fact Aunt Lori is the one being asked for advice would just be the pickle on top of the whole crap sandwich.  

Fortunately I have a husband now who does not want to control me, thinks I'm fine just as I am, and would never in a million years ask an uptight, controlling, hypocritical bitch like Lori for advice on anything.  

[December]

27 minutes ago, FundieFarmer said:

Could you imagine being the wife of Rob- who does seem like she has at least some fire to her- and finding out he'd been writing on Lori's blog and conversing with other women on how to control you? Fuck. No.

 I wouldn't view it as a positive sign on so many levels if my spouse was turning to blog comments to figure out how to make decisions for me, instead of treating me like a respected partner and working on decisions about our life together. The internet's a great way to vent, but aren't relationship decisions supposed to be made by the people in them? 

17 minutes ago, Chocolatedefrauded said:

I would scandalize Lori today. It is so hot that I took my bra off after work and walked the dog with just a tee shirt. 

I go out without a bra frequently, and I'm not anywhere near flat-chested. There's not anything particularly titillating (pun intended) about an average looking lady grocery shopping in a t-shirt and jeans. Maybe I'm just lucky but the guys in the store are always normal humans minding their own business, not a sea of pervs looking to sexually harass strangers. Perhaps my poor husband just needs better resources on how to control my wanton behavior...  

[usmcmom]

55 minutes ago, Jelly Babies said:

Yall. Come to Canada. Heathcare/maternity care is free, and the only thing you gotta pay is the ambulance 

Anyway, I saw this on the chat room, but since it was what made Lori go viral, I didn't think it was private. It kinda goes with the "serving your husband dinner and drinks" theme we got going.

Wait. Did Lori have a post go viral?

[feministxtian]

husbands and housework...fucker, you live here too...get up off your entitled ass and help out. Pick ONE chore (or more, I'm good) and do it. Oh, and if BOTH of us are working BOTH of us will do the housework. Got it idiot? Just because I have tits doesn't mean I'm your fucking maid. (from an argument I had with Mr. Xtian about 20 years ago). 

To Lori: You're damn right I have expectations...I expect he will treat OUR home with respect. I expect he will behave himself and not be an asshole. I expect that he will pull his weight with finances and home upkeep. I expect to be treated with respect. But, yeah, if the expectations aren't met, the relationship is shit...and if the relationship is shit, somebody's moving out. 

[sawasdee]

After I had shingles, I couldn't bear to wear a bra for over two months - the skin was too sensitive. DD here - and I don't remember one sideways look.....

[L1o2u3]

5 hours ago, SilverBeach said:

Are midwives required to carry malpractice insurance? Many OBs stopped delivering babies years ago because of prohibitive malpractice premiums, leading to shortages in some geographic areas. 

I guess we have a similar problem here in Germany. Insurance companies don't want to take midwives anymore or only for thousands of Euros, not because there are so many cases of malpractice or where the midwife gets sued, but because those few cases become more and more expensive and many midwives can't afford insurance anymore. 

 

When it comes to the cost of births, I am very happy that health insurance here covers most of the costs, some more than others. I seriously wonder what all those conservative Christian families do that oppose Obamacare and similar measures but want to have a quiver full of children. And want to live debt-free on a single income. Honestly, how can they afford having so many kids when each birth is 4,000 $? 

[lawfulevil]

They have them at home and when things go catastrophically wrong they get the evil State to pay for it. See: Zsuzsu.

[onemama]

7 hours ago, Hane said:

And, yes, a US hospital birth does cost thousands, even an unmedicated, uncomplicated vaginal birth.  When I had my baby 38 years ago, it wasn't nearly that expensive--thank God, because my husband's medical insurance didn't cover maternity.

This is so wrong on every level!  Giving birth should be covered by every medical insurance, or be a service one can add-on for a small fee! 

Where I live, everyone has to be insured.  You're fined if you're not.  You only have to pay if you choose to give birth in a birthing center, and then it's nowhere near the prices you've quoted on here.  

7 hours ago, EowynW said:

Average price for self pay for a homebirth for my area is $3500 to 4000. Most midwives will let you pay it out.

That's insane.  No wonder some QF women are giving birth at home, unassisted.  

Considering the price of just giving birth, I don't understand how these QF people can say that children don't cost a fortune. It's insane. 

 

4 hours ago, feministxtian said:

To Lori: You're damn right I have expectations...I expect he will treat OUR home with respect. I expect he will behave himself and not be an asshole. I expect that he will pull his weight with finances and home upkeep. I expect to be treated with respect. But, yeah, if the expectations aren't met, the relationship is shit...and if the relationship is shit, somebody's moving out. 

What's so wrong with expecting your life partner to behave like an adult?   In my opinion, calling each other out on things that are deal-breakers is the loving thing to do. It's not control, not discipline, not "headship", just plain old living together and talking about the thing that matter for our relationship to work.  Period. 

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

I though of Lori today as I was having my annual mammogram. Just for you, Mrs. Ken Alexander:  !!

One reason we decided to try for our first child when we did was because my husband had pretty good insurance. We only paid $300 for things that weren't covered until we met our deductible. I think my pre-natal visits cost me a $10 copay for each visit.

[onemama]

Please excuse the length of this post, but... look what I found on the heat of service post. It's heart-wrenching. 

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I loved this, but in another sense I feel sad. I feel numb when it comes to being attracted to my husband. That, sometimes I feel repulsed. That achieving a well running home with obedient children seems like a fairy tale. He works hard for us and buys the food at the moment as I’m not able. I know a lot of its just my stinkin thinkin. But I can’t imagine putting a smile on my face all the time and taking charge of the house and kids for once and not feel like a complete emotional mess. I try not to offload on my husband but I fail more than I care to. We don’t have any support networks nearby and I can’t stand to hear the kids cry. I try and ignore it or step outside. I would love to wake up with a smile on my face looking forward to spending time with my large brood. And snuggling with my hubby at night. On days when I do manage to have a backbone with my kids, I am not consistent. Or get discouraged. I would love have such an intimate marriage like this. I have a good husband who, if I handled things better would be all over me like a rash. We have a healthy intimate relationship. But our two biggest blow ups are the state of the house and the kids and their behaviour. He works 12 hours a day, sometimes up to 6 days a week. So other than heavy maintenence, I’m pretty much left to handle everything. Our large home, numerous children, the garden, homeschooling etc. And hubby is tired of giving me advice because he says nothing ever changes. It just feels hopeless. And honestly, so do I.

Helpful commenter replies: 

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- Stop with all the negative thinking and grow a backbone with those kids. Remember, you fell in love with the man for a reason, so think back to that if you have to. Also, THINK and I do mean sit down and TRULY think of all he does for you. 

-  I am a housewife and I know it’s not a piece of cake, but it truly is MUCH less work and stressful than what your husband does. Really think about that, and I don’t see how you can not appreciate him.

- If you don’t get rid of those nasty thoughts, they will turn into more negative thoughts and it will eventually be all you think. Don’t let that happen. So, right now stop thinking anything negative, if you have a negative thought, replace it with something positive. 

-  you can choose to be joyful. Yes, it is really hard at first 

- As far as desire for intimacy goes, maybe you don’t feel desire because deep down you know something isn’t right and that you need to change? For me, nothing stirs up that desire more than knowing God created me for my man

- If you get those kids under control and behaving better, that too will help with your relationship with your husband

-  pray that God change your attitude and mindset

 

Lori agrees, of course, and we can look forward to reading that again, in a post.  

There is so much wrong with that woman's reply, I've highlighted the most troublesome in bold.  The woman is so condemning, so blaming, so harsh... horrible.

Thank goodness Lori allowed this other post to go through. I really hope the original poster sees it and takes her advice to heart:

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The first thing that came to mind when I read your heart-wrenching post is depression. Have you been to a doctor? Sometimes anti-depressants for a short time can work wonders to allow us to get our heads back on straight and get life back under control again.
It sounds like you’re totally overwhelmed and don’t have any support. That is a hard place to be in. To cope, you need to be strong mentally. Please, see a doctor. There is no shame in it, and it might enable you to get your life back on track and your home under control.

Yes, Mrs. M, please, go see a doctor.  

Oh my, it's not over yet... the conversation goes on and the original poster's husband sounds like a Trey or a Dave.  

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-  I’ve read all those books mentioned in your post. I tell my husband about my intentions following my implimenting the book. And he tells me the house and kids aren’t changing quickly enough and to hurry up and get them all retrained.

- He loves his bible, he loves listening to the pearls etc. But he has never read a book on child training in his life. He leaves that up to me. He sticks to theology and such. Which I’m fine with. But he makes the retraining process so much harder than it needs to be. Because he has lost all hope of things improving and it hurts that he is like that. He works so much because he hates coming home to a disaster.

 

I'm starting to wonder what "a disaster" is.  And I'm starting to wonder if this is not the wife of a male commenter on Lori's blog. I have to find him.....

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- Your husband may not think you are changing fast enough, but that’s no reason to give up. Keep working on being joyfully submissive and training those children. 

-  make sure your husband is your priority. Ask yourself each day what you can do for him. Serve him joyfully, and let him know you appreciate all he does. You will have to stick with it though, every day until it becomes like second nature to be joyful. And don’t forget to smile, it lets your husband and children know that you are joyful, happy and content!

 

So, in a nutshell, ignore the way you feel, plaster on a smile, lie to your husband and thank him for doing what?  escaping at work and refusing to help her "straighten out those kids" -shudder-?  

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-  If they (the flylady zones) are not spotless, when he comes home he grumbles and comments that the house is filthy, that I must of been sitting on my backside all day and the kids are stupid idiots who aren’t worth spending time with. And this is after I have pushed for kids to help and I feel progress has been made.

-  I try to encourage the kids and tell them to love and respect their daddy, but he kinda unravels all of that when he comes home and reacts like that. Or he comes home angry. He is a good father. But he is sick of the chaos and nothing getting better.

-  I’ve tried flylady and He hates it. He wants the house clean NOW not in a few months time.

 

Dear Mrs. M (it's anonymous enough, right?),  your husband is a jerk and someone has to shake him awake. The man loves his Bible but he treats his wife and kids like trash?  How do those two compute?  How old are your kids? In my experience, kids see what's going on and know whom they want to love and respect.  They'll fear their daddy and want to get out of there asap. He's destroying them and he's destroying you. You need help NOW, not in a few months time.  Please go get it! 

I'd just enjoy being with the kids. Maybe take them away for a while. Do you have family? Would they take you in for a while? let your husband do the cleaning and tidying up, or get someone to come in and do it, but you stop trying to make yourself try to please that jackass. Ok?  And your poor kids, let them know their daddy's bad behavior is his choice. Whatever is going on with him, is not their problem. He has to work on himself and you need to get to a place where you can manage your life for you and your kids, not for some dominating, despotic, dictatorial monster.  

[KDA]

Maternity care is free where I live, except if you choose to have a private obstetrician. Ultra sounds and blood tests are all free, too. Midwives (a 3 year degree) are the main people who deliver babies here, both in hospital/maternity units and at home, but if specialist care is needed, that is also free. We would not have been able to have any children at all, if we had to pay thousands to have them. We just never have that kind of money at one time.

[Koala]

Lori:

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This is a picture of my parents with my sisters and our husbands. 65 years + 36 years + 32 years + 30 years = abundant blessings to our family, our children and grandchildren, plus many others. (By the way, together we represent 163 years of covenant marriage!)

I thought that was interesting, so I looked up "covenant marriage".  It seems to have legal implications, and is only available in 3 states (none of which are California).

Am I missing something?  Does this term have other meanings?  I have been pretty heavily immersed in fundie terminology, but this is a new one on me.

I *think* I recall Michael Pearl writing some half cracked account of his kids not legally marrying their spouses, and I also think I read something about the Duggar kids having covenant marriages (which would make sense, because Arkansas is one of the states that allows it).

Is this something Lori's just picked up from them, and now she's pretended that everyone in her family did it too?

[polecat]

Quick show of hands: Who here married a man to be their "protector and provider," a'la Lori?

I sure didn't. When I married him, I outearned him. and the house we lived in was mine, lol. I suppose he could have protected me, but I didn't particularly need protecting. I married him because I wanted to create a life with him. 

I wonder how Ken feels about being nothing more than a wallet and glorified security guard? Ah, well, as long as his penis is getting its 10-minutes-and-lube ...