Romantic History's Sarah Jane Leaves Husband

[chaotic life]

Oh no doubt, do NOT get pregnant again.

When I faced a marriage crisis, the first thing I thought was, "How on earth can I afford to keep a roof over the heads and food in the stomachs of eight children?"

Of course, the second thing I thought was "Hell, NO, I will never put myself in this position again. I will not choose what happens to my marriage because of the economics of being stuck financially due to having so many children."

Then, I hauled my ass back to school and busted my rear for years now to achieve economic independence. Whether my marriage survived or failed, I was not going to allow it to hinge on the economics. Four years it's taken me, but as of this fall if my marriage did fail, between child/spousal support and my income I could 100% support my own family. If the marriage had failed in the last four years, I would have found a way because the poverty we would have faced would have been a temporary state to reach the goal I will reach this fall. And, I have the peace of mind that my marriage is rebuilt not because of my fear of how to support my kids alone.

However, my marriage did not involve abuse, and abusers rarely reform while remaining with their victims. I won't say they never form, though their rates of recover are exceptionally low. However, the only method to even have a chance of fixing an abusive marriage is separation of at least a year, where the abuser goes through a battered spouse program where the abuse victim is consulted every step of the way to fact-check the abuser's honesty and the abuse victim goes through their own therapy to learn to be strong and heal and not fall into abusive patterns and acceptance in the future. At which point, reintegration is done with the coordination of both therapy teams AND a detailed safety plan. It's complicated and few abusers have the fortitude or humility to actually follow through on the intensive and transparent level of rehabilitation required to fix an abuse situation.

Sadly, what Sarah Jane is demonstrating is the harsh reality of Battered Wives' Syndrome, that a woman will attempt to leave her abuser seven times before she finally breaks free, and that both during pregnancy but also in the immediate aftermath of actually leaving are the most dangerous times for an abuse victim.

I try really hard to stay away from Battered Wives' Syndrome. When I was 23, I had a dear friend who had only been married for four months to her abusive spouse. Another friend and I had a full exit plan and were headed out to pick her up when she called it off. Nearly two decades later, she is still with him and she looks like she's dead inside. It breaks my heart to see pictures of her, but I don't even go near asking her. I know he's still abusing her and I know that until she is ready to love herself enough to break free, she won't. She is more likely to die at his hands than leave.

I honestly hoped when Sarah Jane announced things publically first of the year, she would beat the statistical odds. Instead, she's played out exactly what the stats show happens with battered wives. No one deserves to be abused. No one has to live in an abusive situation. Sadly, my money is on her trying to sweep this under the rug within the next year and going back to pretending like her life is idyllic and perfect for awhile.

[LaLele]

For those who wish to follow the legal side of this drama:

www.judici.com

Select Woodford county.

Search Meister.

[ViolaSebastian]

For those who wish to follow the legal side of this drama:

http://www.judici.com

Select Woodford county.

Search Meister.

I'm curious, how much time and in what sort of facility is David looking at if he's found guilty?

[LaLele]

It looks like he is up for a few Class 3 and a Class 4. Class 3's are 2-5 yrs in state pen, class 4's are 1-3 years.

The sentencing info is according to google :P. I only play a lawyer on the internet :lol:

[chaotic life]

How is David living with Sarah when there is an order of protection filed against him? It's my understanding that a woman who violates an order of protection like that can face criminal charges herself and a possible CPS removal of her children. I know IL removes children on domestic charges because I've seen them go through friends' foster homes in that state all the time. IL considers allowing children to be present it home when domestic violence occurs as a form of child abuse in and of itself. Violating an order of protection against a man who has criminal charges filed against him is going to put her at risk to lose her children herself.

In which case, my best advice to her is to identify a safe relative willing to take all of your kids before the knock at the door, because there's going to be little you can explain to the police if they show up and find you violating the order of protection and putting those kids at risk by letting an abusive man back into the home with them.

[LaLele]

It looks like she does not have an active order of protection against him. It looks like she let it drop?

That said, I still think she is putting herself and her kids at risk by staying with a man known to be violent.

[ViolaSebastian]

It looks like he is up for a few Class 3 and a Class 4. Class 3's are 2-5 yrs in state pen, class 4's are 1-3 years.

The sentencing info is according to google :P. I only play a lawyer on the internet :lol:

Yeah, a neo-confederate is going to have a real fun time in Illinois State. ;)

[DomWackTroll]

Russell: “For you freejinger crowd. Just to set the record straight. You guys posts help me discover the truth. Sarah was with me and planning for a future. But I discovered lies. Photos ..texts..phone calls and too many coincidences . David post was in reference to me and Sarah talking about it at the park. I said these forefinger people sure know us..details I have only told you...it's sounds like your leaving me...she denied talking to anyone's..having no support..then was unreachable. I knew from David's post she was lying..who goes back to their 'abuser' and tells them everything you discuss with your boyfriend?weird right..too many lies...her phone full of messages from him...pictures of flowers... two lied about meeting with him..that she later confirmed..... So I drove there in the middle of the night..guess who's car was there with all the lights out. David.â€

It goes on…

facebook.com/russandlauren/posts/10202115593591664

[nelliebelle1197]

Several of his friends are giving him good advice - therapy, letting go.

[eyeseeit]

9 times out of 10 people who are having extramarital affairs will not leave their spouse for the person(s) on the side. They are not in love with the person(s) on the side. They don't want a future with the person(s) on the side. They do not want to change their situation because they have it easy with a place to live, the bills etc. Russell, since I know you read this site judging by your last post; you were just being played. It was not real love to you on Mrs. Romantic History's side. If you've ever read through her blog, she wants to spend the rest of her life with her husband. Leave the situation for good and just leave them all be.

[Howl]

His stats show him to be 6'4" and 285; scary big.

Chaotic Life, thanks for your absolutely awesome post. I'm impressed both by your resolve to get an education to improve your financial situation to give yourself choices and also your helpful information on Battered Wives Syndrome.

[fundiefan]

Wow. My Jr. High nieces & nephews put less drama on Facebook. Whatever all these idiots do I hope they at least remember there are innocent children involved.

[Howl]

her phone full of messages from him...pictures of flowers...

As I was mulling over this situation today, I recalled being in Maria's Bookstore in Durango, CO in 1998 browsing in the self-help section and spotting a book titled, brilliantly,There is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self Hate by Cheri Huber.

Among many other things, Cheri Huber has a little diagram illustrating the abuse cycle. Simply, let's start at "abuse happens". Abuser apologizes profusely, love bombs the abused, says it will never, never, never ever happen ever again, "I'll change", flowers, chocolates, a honeymoon phase, abused person starts to loses resolve to leave, life happens, tensions build, abuse happens and the cycle begins anew and can repeat over and over (and over and over) again. That's why the words above caught my attention and this seems relevant to what's happening with SJ & David. I'm sorry for what's happened to Russell; he sounds like a kind & thoughtful guy who is now collateral damage.

Also, SJ filed for divorce about a month ago.

David's life is a train wreck (or perhaps just a derailment) from a legal problems PoV and legal problems mean financial problems cause ya got big lawyer bills when you have legal problems.

Also, there's something vaguely Fargo-ish about this whole thing, with a pregnant woman having an affair -- I can't quite explain it but you know what I mean.

[DGayle]

If she's back with David, it's being concealed at least on her end. I sent her a message saying "I heard through the grapevine you and David are back together. If you are, stay safe." Let's see if she responds.

I'm have a bad feeling though it might be true. I don't know this guy, don't care to, but fear they really could be back together. If they are, I'm done with her. Not going to put up with anyone else doing this bull shit about getting away and going back. I know too many women doing that, and I can't keep wasting my time supporting and having it be for nothing.

[DGayle]

Russell: “For you freejinger crowd. Just to set the record straight. You guys posts help me discover the truth. Sarah was with me and planning for a future. But I discovered lies. Photos ..texts..phone calls and too many coincidences . David post was in reference to me and Sarah talking about it at the park. I said these forefinger people sure know us..details I have only told you...it's sounds like your leaving me...she denied talking to anyone's..having no support..then was unreachable. I knew from David's post she was lying..who goes back to their 'abuser' and tells them everything you discuss with your boyfriend?weird right..too many lies...her phone full of messages from him...pictures of flowers... two lied about meeting with him..that she later confirmed..... So I drove there in the middle of the night..guess who's car was there with all the lights out. David.â€

It goes on…

facebook.com/russandlauren/posts/10202115593591664

God damn it all to hell, Sarah! I defended her against Russell! Now it sounds like they were really rekindled when she said they were just friends. I'm so glad I didn't send any money to help her out, like I was planning to. She didn't ask. I feel a fool just being a friend, I think ex at this point. I can't imagine what Russell's feeling. No one who knows about this has said anything, so I don't think anyone's for it. This is probably going to burn bridges. Her family bucked up to support her, which I believe because she has no income and wasn't on the streets or hungry, but I don't think they will keep doing that after this. I'm not even sure what else to say. She's probably going to lose a lot of friendships over this.

[DGayle]

David, all paranoid on FB: “I sure would like to know who this D Gayle person is and how they think they know me or my close Family l have an idea who he may be but I could be wrongâ€

When someone replies “Who cares!?â€, Sarah Jane “Likes†it. Oh, but she’s “trying†and “learning.†Right.

facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=1433297630260977&id=100007422609448

Edited to fix link.

He's wrong. I'm not a he, and I'm using my maiden name as usual online. So he won't know. Plus I've never met him in any way, only Sarah.

I'm so pissed at Sarah. I'm done. She's lying to everyone it sounds like at this point. She hasn't said anything at all about more than civil speaking for the kids, and she's actually living with him. Looks like Russell, who lives near her, just found that out too. I thought she needed therapy to move past David, but now I think she's pathological. Leaving David was a huge step in the right direction no one thought she would take, but then she went back and still hasn't said anything about it, and sounds also like she's telling everyone different stories. I defended this girl. Not anymore. I'm furious and feel like an idiot.

[DGayle]

After reading online about battered wives syndrome and being a victim myself not realizing it from a previous relationships. I'm truelly sad. I know she's hurting and I know she needs help. Knowing you love someone and not wanting to give up but knowing that your love is not enough to help them or keep them is heartbreaking and torture.

https://www.facebook.com/russandlauren/ ... 8042452884

Russell, I hope you're reading this. Don't go back. Get therapy and move on. Not all women are like her.

[DGayle]

The person I'm most worried for is Anne. Thinking about my girls growing up around someone like David makes me sick. I want to protect my daughters, not have them think abuse is normal. If I even thought my husband might hurt me or them, I'd have them out of this house so fast he wouldn't have time to blink. Sarah as out, but make the choice to put those kids and her little girl right back in the middle. I got it confirmed, not from her, that they're together and working it out. Sure. Work it out apart.

[bea]

Anyone see that she filed for divorce from David in April? I had to look twice to be sure I wasn't imagining it.

[DomWackTroll]

He's wrong. I'm not a he, and I'm using my maiden name as usual online. So he won't know. Plus I've never met him in any way, only Sarah.

I'm so pissed at Sarah. I'm done. She's lying to everyone it sounds like at this point. She hasn't said anything at all about more than civil speaking for the kids, and she's actually living with him. Looks like Russell, who lives near her, just found that out too. I thought she needed therapy to move past David, but now I think she's pathological. Leaving David was a huge step in the right direction no one thought she would take, but then she went back and still hasn't said anything about it, and sounds also like she's telling everyone different stories. I defended this girl. Not anymore. I'm furious and feel like an idiot.

DGayle, it speaks well of you that you wanted to believe the best about a friend. You shouldn't feel like an idiot or waste any more energy on this.

[eyeseeit]

Well, looked at Russell's FB page, and he and Mrs. Romantic History are friends again. He either deleted his several posts he had about the situation public the other day or hid them. I kinda feel sorry for the guy. He's chasing someone that doesn't love him.. he can't get that through his mind. Pretty sad.

Plus I just looked at Mrs. Romantic History's FB, and she has a public post from May 11th:

Another (unpleasant) public post:

"I was made aware of yet more discussion regarding my family and I on a public forum known as freejinger.

I respect your right to discuss information that is publicly accessible, but I do resent being lied about and people pretending to "know" me.

Specifically, Dgayle. I have not read the aforementioned discussion until just a little while ago but was both amused and annoyed at someone's pretending they know me, and for insinuating that they are a close friend. At least 50% of dgayles comments are utter bull shit lies and the other 50% distorted truths. I have no knowledge of who this person is, and if they are indeed a friend as they claim, I would appreciate them saying so to me personally, because I do not talk to anyone about my personal life and at times it would be nice to have a friend to talk to. Because this person pulled and posted a private photo from my page onto a public site, I can only assume that dgayle is some sort of impersonal acquaintance from my Facebook friends list. I have purged the list and will continue to do so.

Since David and I separated six months ago I have had no support from family and very little from friends. I have been banned from my church and have not asked for or received financial help from any of my family or friends. Yes, after a few months of arranging paperwork with my attorney I filed for divorce. David M. Meister and I have not lived together since late last year. Since we agreed through mediation to joint custody, we do frequently see each other and we talk daily in regard to our children, two of whom are in school and various activities.

Yes, throughout this time I have been seeing someone else, off and on. Though there was and is very deep regard there were also spiritual and moral issues that often came into play.

I did file a petition to dismiss the OP against David. It goes to hearing at the end of June, and until then remains in effect. I am conflicted about how to handle the situation, because the commonsense, worldly course of action and the biblical, church-approved course of action are dissimilar. (I am frankly rather done with most churches; I feel they are glorified cults). Yet no matter the two altering courses, I have my own life to answer to God for. All I can do is pray for guidance.

While endorsing the right of freejinger to free speech, I yet must state my displeasure with lies. If one must gossip at least gossip truthfully, and to any and all mythical companions such as dgayle, I extend a courteous invitation to correspondence because , God knows, I've never heard of you or from you before.

Signing out - goodnight folks."

[chaotic life]

Again get off the public FB stuff.

That said, you do NOT have to speak directly to your estranged husband. Use Our Family Wizard, which not only allows you communicate via written word but allows court personnel to access the program to see what is going on between the two parents.

Co-parenting does NOT mean active, daily communication. Doing that is by itself a bad idea.

I especially love the throwing Russell under the bus there with calling out the moral issues involved with him. Seriously, way to handle that poorly. She sounds conflicted, both brainwashed and feeling she still has to people please and yet somehow knowing it's wrong.

[DGayle]

There's a reason I use my first initial only and maiden name online, and don't share pics of my kids even on Facebook except with the filter for family and closest friends. It's for my own damned privacy, Sarah. Learn a lesson, and stop lying to people, to your friends and to Russell. You're only getting caught in your own web. Also I already blocked you entirely, and your precious abuser and the guy you're banging on the side, even though I didn't ever meet then in any way, so I won't even see your feed and more lies. I tried defending you, even here, and I'm done. Enjoy what you get.

[DGayle]

Again get off the public FB stuff.

That said, you do NOT have to speak directly to your estranged husband. Use Our Family Wizard, which not only allows you communicate via written word but allows court personnel to access the program to see what is going on between the two parents.

Co-parenting does NOT mean active, daily communication. Doing that is by itself a bad idea.

I especially love the throwing Russell under the bus there with calling out the moral issues involved with him. Seriously, way to handle that poorly. She sounds conflicted, both brainwashed and feeling she still has to people please and yet somehow knowing it's wrong.

I think she'll throw everyone under the bus. Fuck her. How sad is it that it's consoling that I blocked her Sunday night, before her friends purge?

I don't care if she's brainwashed. No one can help her when no one knows the truth.

[DGayle]

Is there a way to block threads here? I'm done. Everywhere, and don't want to see her name or hear about her.