Romantic History's Sarah Jane Leaves Husband

[chaotic life]

I've found the IL courts have been rather Father's Rights focused for my friends who have gone through them, but they have been further downstate than Peoria. That said, if he's arrested and charged and has a protective order, he's not likely to get custody of the kids, even in a father's rights area.

As I said before, having an affair is a common catalyst for an abuse victim to seek freedom from their abuse. The victim normalizes the nightmare so badly that when another person treats them with respect and lifts that veil, they see with clarity how bad things have gotten where they are. That having a relationship with this Russell was a catalyst for her to leave an abusive husband is not surprising to me. However, those relationships do not typically last, and are not typically truly healthy. They are better than what has been normalized for the victim, but they are not normal either.

It's a much better idea to focus on getting yourself healthy and safe, and taking care of your children than jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Even when the new love is healthy and sane, the relationship is typically a hot mess because the abuse victim has much learning, much healing and much reclaiming of their lives to go through before they are ready to have a normal, healthy relationship again.

Since you are reading here, Sarah, or at least someone is reading for you, no one is suggesting you shouldn't leave David. We are suggesting that you need to focus on YOU and not jumping out of eight years of abuse into another relationship and dragging your children into that with you. We are saying you need to work on healing and not introducing someone else to your children, who also need to heal right now. I am also going to tell you that I seriously think you can find a way to support your kiddos with your phenomenal seamstress skills.

Frankly, David is scary. His blog, his attack of Russell, his comments on FB, he strikes me as the family annihilator type of mass murder. I really hope the protective order required he turn over any and all guns. I hope he is crazy enough that Sarah's family sees the crazy and not that she did the classic abuse victim step of having an affair and choose to support her through this, because she and these children are definitely going to need it.

[chaotic life]

Russell posted publically on his FB about the whole sorid mess, and articulates EXACTLY what all of my issues with Fundamentalist Christianity is about. Fundamentalist Christianity may give token acknowledgement of abusive situations, but when push comes to shove, they don't truly believe that any woman has a right to leave abuse. Instead, they spiritually abuse the victim further by exercising "church discipline" that is entirely opposite what Christ would have done.

Toxic Religion is a good book to read. Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud is also good.

The church is FAILING women and children in this country and especially those who are abused. For eight years, a man like David is allowed to abuse his family, and when she slips up, she is condemned, ostracized and excommunicated for her "sins" and told the only way she can come back into the fold is to submit to the abuse.

Then, someone like this Russell feels guilty. He's met with church discipline when he asked for help with the struggles, he's condemning himself and convinced that what the church did was acceptable.

It happens in evangelical churches too, but it is far, far worse in Fundamentalist churches.

No woman should have to endure abuse--ever, and no church should ever, ever, EVER condone that abuse in any shape or form.

The lack of value placed on women, the lack of forgiveness for being human is precisely why I left fundie thinking and what nearly caused me to lose my faith entirely. It leads to dead women and dead children, in spirit whether it in body as well or not.

[DomWackTroll]

Russell just posted a rant that is too long to post here in which he says that he doesn't trust Sarah "most of the time," thinks she might be "playing" him to win David's "desire," and that she wouldn't call 911 when David attacked him.

So again I would say to Sarah: Your enemy is not FreeJinger. It is your abusive husband, the church that shunned you, and the lover who clearly does not trust your story.

[chaotic life]

Russell went to Harvest Bible Chapel, which he says excommunicated him for having the affair with Sarah.

Harvest Bible Chapel is run by head pastor James MacDonald.

http://thewartburgwatch.com/2013/08/08/james-macdonald/

(Not breaking the link, it's the Wartburg Watch.)

When Elders of the church objected to MacDonald's refusal to account for how much money he makes out of a $30MIL annual budget, they resigned, and he and the remaining Elders excommunicated them.

spiritualsoundingboard.com/2013/09/17/learn-and-discern-harvest-bible-chapel-church-discipline-and-excommunication/

My favorite quote, which sums up the problem with Fundy churches is so simple:

I just want to remind you that God has entrusted a spiritual authority to the local church and every local church has an authority under God. We believe that the Bible that the authority of the church is vested in the elders. And that when the elders speak collectively in agreement, they speak for God to our church.

So, a man who falls for an abuse victim who is still married seeks help and guidance on what do is excommunicated, and told they practiced Biblical authority and he deserved what happened to him. Yet, a head pastor who behaves in this manner is hunky dory.

theelephantsdebt.com/2012/11/20/repentance-and-qualifications-of-an-elder/

This is classic fundamentalist Christianity, focus on the small sins of the small individual and treat them harshly, but don't look behind the curtain at what those who claim authority over you are actually doing. These men then hold a harsh line that traps women into abuse and puts the blame on them when they leave it.

This is Russell's church. He states Sarah was also excommunicated, so I would guess her is at least as conservative and messed up as his was. Likely, hers was worse. He's been in the world and his church masks as fairly normal Christianity. She was homeschooled, sheltered, practiced courtship and has never had a chance to know what the real world is like. Of course, she's going to act like a hot mess teenager.

This kind of religion messes everyone up. But, the ones it fails the most are abuse victims. We see it everytime Lori or Ken even open their mouths. I've seen it personally in friend after friend who have left abusers and been condemned by their churches and families. Sarah is up against this. She needs to seek help, and concentrate on healing and getting out of the paradigm that told her that abuse was in any capacity acceptable in the first place.

[grovelina]

You can see the basic court records online here:

http://www.judici.com/courts/cases/case ... =IL102015J

[Coconut Flan]

"Church discipline" sets me off nearly as fast as wifely submission. To me it's all code for power tripping males.

[DomWackTroll]

A commenter tells Sarah: "Sarah, I am so sorry to hear this. I know someone from the sewing community who has been discussed on that site and they are just vicious."

I agree; the Chanceys of Africa are pretty vicious.

[SolomonFundy]

I hate that she feels further victimized by internet scrutiny, but airing your dirty laundry in public will attract flies. (Yes, I'm among the flying vermin in this scenario.) Russell has expressed caution with regards to her affections in the past. I think he may genuinely care for her, but feels overwhelmed by the drama.

The one seed of true awesomeness in all of this is her resolve against David. If she's had multiple orders of protection against him, she may truly be on "the other side" of that abusive relationship. There is a long road ahead of her, but regardless of what happens with Russell, at least she isn't going to go running back to David.

[DomWackTroll]

Russell posts photos of injuries and once again says he is "done" with Sarah because she loves her abuser:

facebook.com/russandlauren/posts/10201702462823653?stream_ref=10

[Mecca]

Why do grown adults feel the need to talk about very personal matters on Facebook? They all look very ridiculous right about now.

Sarah Jane needs to take care of herself and her children and focus on getting herself and her kids into a safe place away from David. This could easily spiral out of control more than it already is, and I do not think yammering about it on a Facebook page that is open to the public is helping much. If anything, it could easily ignite another confrontation that could cost someone their life. Russell needs to seriously shut up about this and move on.

I hope everything works out for Sarah even though she says she wants all of us to fuck off. No one here wishes her any harm. But honestly, I believe she cannot expect people not to wonder what the actual hell is going on when they are all playing this out in public forum like an episode of "Days of Our Lives." People are going to talk when you air out your dirty laundry.

[chaotic life]

People are going to talk when you air out your dirty laundry.

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:

[hoipolloi]

It's the children that concern me the most. Between this dreadfully chaotic situation and parental figures who appear to have the collective IQ of a doorknob, I don't see this ending well for the kids no matter what.

The least that Ms. Sarah Jane can do is get herself & the kids out of the home with David, if there is abuse going on, and then (get help to) work on creating a stable & healthy life for themselves.

[eyeseeit]

Looking through everything it's obvious Russell was just being used all along. He got himself into a mess with a woman that didn't really love him. Romantic History Sarah just used him to get away from her husband for awhile that's all. She put all those kids through that and is continuing to do so. How selfish can one be?

At least from reading his page he says that he is done with her and he is protecting his child and heart. If there really was abuse going on for all those years with her husband why didn't her family or people close to her not notice or do anything to get her out of the situation? Some things here just do not add up. It says she is a SAHM, so, if she is not working, and the husband was paying all the bills when he lived there - the financial situation cannot be too good. Those kids do not need to be in a situation like this and I do hope they are put somewhere stable until all of this gets sorted out.

[ladyamylynn]

She's facebook friends with notorious troll Aria. Why am I not surprised?

[darkplumaged]

She's facebook friends with notorious troll Aria. Why am I not surprised?

:lol:

But I thought Aria/whatever-the-hell-her-names-were-here HAAAATED fundies! For example, Jennie Chancey was essentially Satan as far as Aria was concerned.

...

I just love how SJ bitterly complains about how we FJ meanies are talking about her private life. You don't want anyone to talk about it, adjust your privacy settings. (And why are she and her boyfriend posting all this super-personal, crazy stuff anyway?)

[Marianne]

They post all of this on facebook ? Do these people know the word "privacy" ?

[DomWackTroll]

Russell posts to Facebook: "Just found out someone is a southern racist. Wow i just cant wait to send him a confederant flag and some white power magazines while hes in prison. That should make him a whole lot of interesting new friends."

facebook.com/russandlauren/posts/10201711176281484?stream_ref=10

A friend begs him to "leave it alone."

[16strong]

I just love how SJ bitterly complains about how we FJ meanies are talking about her private life. You don't want anyone to talk about it, adjust your privacy settings. (And why are she and her boyfriend posting all this super-personal, crazy stuff anyway?)

Agreed. All these fundies, SJ, Ken, etc. spend time complaining about us violating their rights or not respecting the privacies of their families, but they put EVERYTHING out there for the world to see. If you put it on the internet, don't be surprised when people discuss it. :violin:

[LaLele]

And she "likes" the Unitarian Universalist church?

I mean, dude, I do too, but I'm not a neo-Confederate fundie. Seems a little odd.

The UU church in Peoria rents space to a very very active Attachment Parenting group. It also rents space to some crunchy birthing classes. I haven't read her blog, but I bet she "likes" the church because of a group it hosts.

Also, Peoria and even East Peoria/Washington are not particularly hotbeds for uber fundism. It has pockets, like anywhere, but it is not teaming with frumpers or anything. Plus there really are some pretty good supports in place for families in crisis/abused women.

[bea]

Whoa, wait, Russell went to JAMES AND STACEY MACDONALD'S church? Holy shit, there's no six degrees of separation in the fundie world, there's, like, three. Damn.

[ETA]

Stacey' s blog was way more fun to snark before she got into the pyramid marketing essential oil thing.

Sarah Jane's belief that strangers commenting on her life after she's aired her dirty laundry in public as being somehow inappropriate or harassing is bizarre. And all too common. Do these people not realize that once it's on the internet, ANYONE can read it? If you leave your FB profile public, anyone can see it! If you have a blog (through which you sell your sewing creations), strangers will read that, too! And not all of them will be friendly fellow believers, either.

As I've said before, the "How dare you publicly comment on the public information I have been posting publicly in a public blog for years!" outrage is HYSTERICAL. The frequency with which it happens leads me to believe they really do think the information they're plastering all over social media and the internet is somehow magically protected from strangers.

News flash: it's not.

[DomWackTroll]

Whoa, wait, Russell went to JAMES AND STACEY MACDONALD'S church? Holy shit, there's no six degrees of separation in the fundie world, there's, like, three. Damn.

[ETA]

Stacey' s blog was way more fun to snark before she got into the pyramid marketing essential oil thing.

Sarah Jane's belief that strangers commenting on her life after she's aired her dirty laundry in public as being somehow inappropriate or harassing is bizarre. And all too common. Do these people not realize that once it's on the internet, ANYONE can read it? If you leave your FB profile public, anyone can see it! If you have a blog (through which you sell your sewing creations), strangers will read that, too! And not all of them will be friendly fellow believers, either.

As I've said before, the "How dare you publicly comment on the public information I have been posting publicly in a public blog for years!" outrage is HYSTERICAL. The frequency with which it happens leads me to believe they really do think the information they're plastering all over social media and the internet is somehow magically protected from strangers.

News flash: it's not.

Pretty sure it's a different James-- MAC-Donald as opposed to MC-Donald. But I thought so, too, before I clicked onto the link!

[LaLele]

Whoa, wait, Russell went to JAMES AND STACEY MACDONALD'S church? Holy shit, there's no six degrees of separation in the fundie world, there's, like, three. Damn.

Only a degree or two between this lady and Catholic fundie Bonnie (the one whose "miracle" is being used to make bishop Sheen a saint). Both these 2 have dabbled in the same alterna-parenting group in Peoria, though at different times. (Basing this on Sarah Jane's friend list)

It's a flipping small world.

[Black Aliss]

Looks like Russ made his Facebook wall private (Good work!) but he did leave a public note up there thanking Free Jinger. . .

[bea]

Okay, this makes me see fuckin' RED:

"Brought back a lesson taught in the police academy..never trust the victim of an abuser..the minute you stand up to him..she will usually gang up and attack you..she doesnt want out..its just a power struggle played out in the public eye..for the police..doctors..lawyers..anyone that will help them win. "

Obviously he's reading here, so REALLY? They do not fucking teach that at the police academy, Russell. You may believe this to be true, but please don't claim you learned this when you were in cop school. I'm a volunteer with the Chicago Police Department and the idea of you SLANDERING police like that makes me SO GODDAMNED ANGRY.

I don't care who you fuck, I don't care which church you attend, but do NOT claim that the police academy taught you to distrust victims of abuse.

That said,

Pretty sure it's a different James-- MAC-Donald as opposed to MC-Donald. But I thought so, too, before I clicked onto the link!

I can never keep it straight - James is McDonald, not MacDonald? And it's not the same church? Because if it was, that would make this some kind of crazy circle-jerk and I'd laugh my ass off.

[chaotic life]

This one is James MACDonald, friend of Mark Driscoll and married to Kathy MacDonald. Similar circles but not the same person as James and Stacey McDonald.

I sincerely hope Russell will focus on his child and shake the crazy off. I do not doubt that Sarah Jane is telling the truth about the abuse. However, it takes the average abuse victim seven attempts before they finally leave their abusers, and they are genuinely not very stable after they do finally leave an abuser. She's very young and very pregnant and has no job skills or earning potential. Even with abuse, it will take a great deal of courage and likely having to forfeit the support of her entire family and community for her to get free. If she's going to get there, she needs to focus on getting safe and stable and not on a guy.