Non-Reversal Anna's baby shower post is up!

[Deleted03]

Asking for money on the wedding invitations is quite possibly the tackiest thing ever, and an egregious breach of etiquitte.

As I understand, no invitation or anything coming from the couple should mention registries, etc. The families of the couple and the attendants are supposed to convey registry information if requested.

My best friend is getting married this summer, and hopes to receive cash gifts, so this is what I suggested- start a registry with only a few moderately priced items at a store like Target. Then, when people check and see that all 15 things have been purchased, they will choose been money or a special gift that they select, and more often than not, people will write a check. Were I to be invited to a wedding requesting cash, regardless of the closeness of the friend or their ethnic background, I would respond with my regrets and MAYBE send a dollar store card, if feeling generous.

how is that not hypocritical? Pushing people for money donations by putting a ridiculous amount of entries on a registry.

Social norms are made to change and I would not feel forced to contribute or shocked if I received a wedding invitation with instructions on where to find the registry or what would help the couple the most. Honesty and straightforwardness is what I prefer.

[Witsec7]

Now I have to ask: which side is supposedly marrying up, the Italian or the Polish?

I guess there is a reason my husband's family did not bat an eyelash at him bringing home a Central Asian/Eastern European Jew. My first set of in-laws were rather scandalized so I was prepared for it! But the current in-laws were even thrilled I already had a child, you know how Italians cannot resist a cute kid.

The Poles in my family (and town) felt that you married up to an Italian. I think its cause they beat us to shore by a couple of boats is all.

[deborahlynn1979]

I think it's problematic to have untold expectations that everyone is supposed to give a gift going to a wedding but if you dare allude to it then you're tasteless.

Yes it's tasteless to say you can drop by with the gift (oh yeah coz I am not welcome at any other time?) but to say too here's my registry rather than wait for everyone to ask you separately I don't think that's tasteless. I think it's efficient. Remind everyone that no one has to buy anything and you're good to go. Some of the people you're invite won't know anyone else, others will not know them that well, and honestly putting the responsibility on other people bothers me too.

I find it hypocritical to think it's tasteless to give the registry location or explain that even though you'd be very happy with presents, right now what helps you the most is a financial contribution if that's really what you want to do while everyone is still expected to buy something. It's a kind of registry, just another way. And no one will force you to give anything.

It's tasteless because it's ON THE INVITATION. Someone is throwing you a wedding shower? Hey, great. Include a card with where the couple is registered. But to put a request for money or gifts on your OWN fucking invitation to an event that is traditionally something sacred and imbued with meaning, IS tasteless to me.

[StarrieEyedKat]

It's tasteless because it's ON THE INVITATION. Someone is throwing you a wedding shower? Hey, great. Include a card with where the couple is registered. But to put a request for money or gifts on your OWN fucking invitation to an event that is traditionally something sacred and imbued with meaning, IS tasteless to me.

^This

[emmiedahl]

Pretty much that.

When did weddings become this free-for-all? srsly, it about your lifelong commitment to your spouse, not your friends' gifts to you.

I freaking register for my kids' birthday presents so my tacky gauge is clearly different from many others'. and this still seems very demanding to me.

[demgirl]

how is that not hypocritical? Pushing people for money donations by putting a ridiculous amount of entries on a registry.

Social norms are made to change and I would not feel forced to contribute or shocked if I received a wedding invitation with instructions on where to find the registry or what would help the couple the most. Honesty and straightforwardness is what I prefer.

For reals. The LAST thing I wanted to do when all my law school friends got married was track down their friends from undergrad on facebook (who were their attendants) or try to find their parent's number on white pages. How does that make my job, as their guest, any easier? It doesn't. It just makes it awkward and confusing. And I'd much rather be told what you want than be manipulated into it.

And the whole on the invitation thing? Again, what do you do for the guests who aren't invited to the bridal shower because they're friends with the groom?

[Deleted03]

It's tasteless because it's ON THE INVITATION. Someone is throwing you a wedding shower? Hey, great. Include a card with where the couple is registered. But to put a request for money or gifts on your OWN fucking invitation to an event that is traditionally something sacred and imbued with meaning, IS tasteless to me.

End result is the same. You still expect presents or money but at the same time don't want anyone to be forced.

Weddings imbued with meaning? Just like baby showers maybe? Come on, it's a party for most people, you're celebrating a union and wish them well on the rest of their journey. Giving a gift is expected whether it's on the invitation or not.

Personally, I prefer to talk to the person about me not being able to afford a gift right now, rather than having to talk to a stranger about how I can't afford to pay for a gift (happened to my best friend's baby shower, where I knew one person and felt horribly bad when the friend who was organizing said that she would take everyone's contribution).

I think we can agree to disagree on this issue and I really hope the social hypocrisy will one day fall away.

[luckylibrarian]

It's tasteless because it's ON THE INVITATION. Someone is throwing you a wedding shower? Hey, great. Include a card with where the couple is registered. But to put a request for money or gifts on your OWN fucking invitation to an event that is traditionally something sacred and imbued with meaning, IS tasteless to me.

I think this is where alysee got the idea: http://mag.weddingcentral.com.au/weddin ... /index.htm

I still think it's tacky. It assumes that everyone invited can afford a gift, which isn't always the case. Why put the guests in an awkward position?

[gustava]

Pretty much that.

When did weddings become this free-for-all? srsly, it about your lifelong commitment to your spouse, not your friends' gifts to you.

I freaking register for my kids' birthday presents so my tacky gauge is clearly different from many others'. and this still seems very demanding to me.

Parents register for kidlet birthdays? I am sooooooo out-of-touch with today's reality.

[StarrieEyedKat]

Parents register for kidlet birthdays? I am sooooooo out-of-touch with today's reality.

I haven't, but I can definitely see how it would make it easier! I never know what to tell people when they ask what so-and-so wants for their birthday. With a registry, you can just add things that the kid shows interest in throughout the year, then point to it when people ask. :)

[StarrieEyedKat]

For reals. The LAST thing I wanted to do when all my law school friends got married was track down their friends from undergrad on facebook (who were their attendants) or try to find their parent's number on white pages. How does that make my job, as their guest, any easier? It doesn't. It just makes it awkward and confusing. And I'd much rather be told what you want than be manipulated into it.

And the whole on the invitation thing? Again, what do you do for the guests who aren't invited to the bridal shower because they're friends with the groom?

Why couldn't you just ask the bride and groom? That way they're not assuming every single person if bringing a gift, you're asking and they're answering.

[Deleted03]

Why couldn't you just ask the bride and groom? That way they're not assuming every single person if bringing a gift, you're asking and they're answering.

I think there's dissonnance between the fact that socially you're expected to bring a gift whether the list is easy to find or not, and implying that because you put the list easy to access then suddenly everyone is expected to buy a gift.

Buy a gift or not, it's the individual's decision. I don't think it changes society's expectations that you put the list or explain what would be the best for you for all to see.

I think everyone is busy enough to track 50 emails asking for the wedding registry when you can just put it there that the registry can be found at this address if someone wants to buy something! I don't think there's a higher expectation of everyone buying a gift at all.

[contrary]

The closest i've seen to even the hint of a whisper of a gift/registry mention, is the wedding website printed at the bottom of the invitation.

...then the website has registry info.

I think that's modern, helpful, but borderline. I personally wouldn't do it, but I'm also hardline old-skool on etiquette. I'd never have my family host a shower of any sort, nor would I ever mention gifts on any invitation. I, and most folks I know, understand that what you do is buy off-registry, write a check, or call a bridesmaid.

It's not the most CONVENIENT, but it's not built for convenience.

Of course, I was also raised with VERY strict emily post standards. I'm so entrenched in Southern Properness that I would never even address an envelope to a married woman as Mrs. Mary Smith.

Mrs. First Name HisLast is a divorcee. Mrs. JOHN Smith, or just Mary Smith, is married.

Silly, I know. I just can't help it!

With that caveat, I also find it interesting that we, a group of mostly bleeding-liberals, are so up-in-arms over wedding invitation etiquette!

(efr)

[meda]

Regarding the gift info on the invites....as a bridesmaid in the Wedding From Hell , I am co hosting a bridal shower. The list of 50 guests the bride handed me (a mere three weeks before the scheduled shower date) included many not-computer-savy elderly relatives. In order to avoid mass hysteria, I included the stores where the couple was registered on the shower invite. I did not include a website, and I did not suggest calling me or the other bridesmaid for registry info. I am sure that this flies in the face of all that is right and proper, but since we both work more than full time,have no time to field multiple phone calls from the groom's elderly grandmother about how to access Target's website, and I only had a three week window to work with, it's the best I could think of. At some point propriety gives way to necessity.

(feels good to get that off my chest)

[freejoytoo]

I am so glad I am in the UK where we don't have this kind of thing.

Maybe this is morbid but a baby shower always comes across as tempting fate to me. I'd rather have a celebration after the birth...though having said that, the games look awful. I don't want to have to sniff something in a nappy or whatever it is they do.

[emmiedahl]

I haven't, but I can definitely see how it would make it easier! I never know what to tell people when they ask what so-and-so wants for their birthday. With a registry, you can just add things that the kid shows interest in throughout the year, then point to it when people ask. :)

That's how we do it. We have family all over the country and it is hard to know what a five year old wants and what they already have. Some relatives started doing it and it made it so much easier to shop for their kids! Now we all do it. Like Kat said, another benefit is that I can add to it when they mention they want something.

[deborahlynn1979]

Regarding the gift info on the invites....as a bridesmaid in the Wedding From Hell , I am co hosting a bridal shower. The list of 50 guests the bride handed me (a mere three weeks before the scheduled shower date) included many not-computer-savy elderly relatives. In order to avoid mass hysteria, I included the stores where the couple was registered on the shower invite. I did not include a website, and I did not suggest calling me or the other bridesmaid for registry info. I am sure that this flies in the face of all that is right and proper, but since we both work more than full time,have no time to field multiple phone calls from the groom's elderly grandmother about how to access Target's website, and I only had a three week window to work with, it's the best I could think of. At some point propriety gives way to necessity.

(feels good to get that off my chest)

I don't think anyone has an issue with putting that kind of information on a shower invitation.

[meda]

I don't think anyone has an issue with putting that kind of information on a shower invitation.

I know, just needed to vent a bit. I thinkI'm going to start a bitchy bridesmaid thread in chatter.

[fluttershies]

The closest i've seen to even the hint of a whisper of a gift/registry mention, is the wedding website printed at the bottom of the invitation.

...then the website has registry info.

I think that's modern, helpful, but borderline. I personally wouldn't do it, but I'm also hardline old-skool on etiquette. I'd never have my family host a shower of any sort, nor would I ever mention gifts on any invitation. I, and most folks I know, understand that what you do is buy off-registry, write a check, or call a bridesmaid.

It's not the most CONVENIENT, but it's not built for convenience.

Of course, I was also raised with VERY strict emily post standards. I'm so entrenched in Southern Properness that I would never even address an envelope to a married woman as Mrs. Mary Smith.

Mrs. First Name HisLast is a divorcee. Mrs. JOHN Smith, or just Mary Smith, is married.

Silly, I know. I just can't help it!

With that caveat, I also find it interesting that we, a group of mostly bleeding-liberals, are so up-in-arms over wedding invitation etiquette!

(efr)

If I was married and got an envelope addressed to me as Mrs HisFirstName HisLastName I would send it back unopened. Etiquette or not, that shit is offensive. Wives aren't their husbands property unless you're fundie. I don't even intend on changing my last name on marriage or switching from Ms to Mrs.

Also on the subject of registry info on wedding invites, it's perfectly acceptable in the UK and indeed expected, because it's just the easiest way of people knowing where to go. Imo a lot of 'etiquette' just creates a lot of unnecessary problems and worries for no reason at all. Since it is normal and expected to bring a gift when you are invited to a wedding, it is helpful for guests to know where to find the couple's registry. I don't see what 'tacky' has to do with anything. Call me tacky, but I'd much rather know upfront what's expected than have all the fake politeness.

[contrary]

I've never been Mrs. Husband either, except by my old southern grandmother. I agree its outmoded. I was just showing off the depth of my etiquette indoctrination.

[gardenvarietycitizen]

I've never been Mrs. Husband either, except by my old southern grandmother. I agree its outmoded. I was just showing off the depth of my etiquette indoctrination.

I have to admit I am "Mrs. Husband Firstname Husband Lastname" to certain of my relatives. This horrified me the first time it happened, but... what can I do. These same people always insisted on "Miss" on all correspondence previously (I've always used "Ms" if I had to use anything), so it's just the way they do things. I figure turnaround is fair play and just address correspondence to them as "the XXX household" :)

[Aerial312]

Of course, I was also raised with VERY strict emily post standards. I'm so entrenched in Southern Properness that I would never even address an envelope to a married woman as Mrs. Mary Smith.

Mrs. First Name HisLast is a divorcee. Mrs. JOHN Smith, or just Mary Smith, is married.

Silly, I know. I just can't help it!

I have relatives who use this convention, and I HATE it. It has always irked me. It makes a woman sound like property.

[jlbturtle]

I'm a bride-to-be getting married in less than 4 months so I feel the need to chime in. First, on the registries my FI and I have both lived on our own for some time so we didn't need the typical stuff. I did small registries and 2 different stores, if people want to give us money great that's fine (we could use it) but I'd rather have them there then a gift so I'm not worried about the registries.

Second, I don't see a huge problem with addressing invitations as Mr. and Mrs. HusbandsFirst Name, Last Name. That's how we did it. Many of our guests are older so I don't think they have a problem with it and I guess I feel like if they had such a significant problem with it that they wouldn't attend my wedding over it, they sure as heck don't know me or FI very well.

[Koala]

I am getting married soon and in the invitations we are asking for money.

:o You are asking your guests for money??? I am in the south, so maybe it's a regional thing, but I have never in my life. Honey I'd use that wedding invitation as a coaster just as sure as I'm sitting here. I can't for my life fathom suggesting someone give you money.

Asking for money weirds me out a bit too

You were on the right trail here...if only you'd stayed on it.

It's gross to expect something like that.

Yep, that's why you don't put it on your invitation. It's crass.

[lawfulevil]

Nevermind, was very off-topic.