Jump to content
IGNORED

Non-Reversal Anna's baby shower post is up!


kpmom

Recommended Posts

Two of my friends are getting married soon in the bride's home state (TX, which is quite far from MI), and a lot of the people who have been invited won't necessarily be able to attend. Another friend, who's a planner type, sent out an email about organizing a shower for the bride and attached the link to their wedding registry. The actual invitations didn't mention anything about it, and I thought this was a tasteful way to spread the word for those who would like to send a gift (since the wedding itself is so far away and most of us will be unable to attend) without having to include it in the wedding invitation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 196
  • Created
  • Last Reply
Guest Anonymous

Also on the subject of registry info on wedding invites, it's perfectly acceptable in the UK and indeed expected, because it's just the easiest way of people knowing where to go. Imo a lot of 'etiquette' just creates a lot of unnecessary problems and worries for no reason at all. Since it is normal and expected to bring a gift when you are invited to a wedding, it is helpful for guests to know where to find the couple's registry. I don't see what 'tacky' has to do with anything. Call me tacky, but I'd much rather know upfront what's expected than have all the fake politeness.

Nah, the controversy rages just as much over here in the UK, if you browse the wedding forums. :lol: The main arguments against registries that I hear are (1) A Wedding gift is just that - a gift, not a right and you never ask for gifts, and (2) Having a registry at a certain shop forces people to buy at those prices whereas people might be happy to take a suggestion for say towels or sheets, but would prefer to shop around, maybe to find a bargain, or to treat you, but either way, may not want you to know how much they spent.

I like the way it was done on the 'old days' around here (say 20 years ago) when nothing but an invitation would be delivered to the guests, but if anyone asked, then the bride's family would have a duplicate book with an item written on each page, and the guest could browse through it and rip out the top copy of the page/s for the items they wished to give, leaving the duplicate copy behind so the family and others could see what was taken. Some friends of mine broke down a dinner service they wanted into single items and small sets, so that between all of the guests they got one service they really wanted.

Personally, I would never refuse a wedding or baby celebration invitation on the grounds of how my invitation was addressed, or how the registry was handled but I do cringe at the new tradition of writing crass poetry or prose explaining how the happy couple have everything they need, but will be happy to accept cash so they can buy even more....

I think that this is really an occasion where the Golden Rule applies: don't treat others how you would like to be treated but treat them how they would like to be treated. If your close friends like a straight forward gift list, then send one with the invite, but unless you know for sure, then wait to be asked, or shut up and put up with an eclectic range of coloured toasters.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm on the fence about registries. I can see how they would be useful - you can say what you really need, and guests can get them for you, rather than guests having to freak out about what to buy, and ending up getting something completely useless which is a waste of money and space for both parties.

On the other hand it seems kind of rude/tacky to me, and also takes away a bit of surprise.

I'm in Australia, we don't have too many of these "showers" though I've noticed some people have started to have them, probably following the American tradition. People will have registries or wishing wells for their weddings. The last two I was invited to specified no gifts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:o You are asking your guests for money??? I am in the south, so maybe it's a regional thing, but I have never in my life. Honey I'd use that wedding invitation as a coaster just as sure as I'm sitting here. I can't for my life fathom suggesting someone give you money.

You were on the right trail here...if only you'd stayed on it.

Yep, that's why you don't put it on your invitation. It's crass.

Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather be asked to give a gift voucher than an actual gift. This girl I knew got married recently and we got her a gift voucher rather than spend a ridiculous amount of money on a coffee machine. I'd rather do that any day. I've only been to one wedding as an adult but I'd rather have registry info on the invitation and a request for gift vouchers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband and I had plenty of Stuff and said on the Facebook event page for the reception (yes, that in itself is tacky, but I had all of two months to plan the wedding - ceremony, lunch, and reception - which included making arrangements for family flying over from another continent, so I had to cut corners somewhere) that we really didn't want any gifts, just the pleasure of their company at the reception, but that if anyone wished to commemorate our celebration than we encouraged charity donations.

I registered at John Lewis because they have a 'gift certificate / charity donation'-only option and people who couldn't make the wedding were asking if we were registered anywhere, so that made life easier for them.

We did get a few gifts, and (without begging for it) some money. The gift certificates mostly went on food at Waitrose - an upscale grocery store which isn't stupidly expensive but we still wouldn't regularly shop there - and the charity donations went to the branch of the cat shelter that had helped my feline overlord when she was a stray single momma.

If I'd had more than two months, I would have done proper invitations, but I still wouldn't have registered for Stuff. Well, except maybe for silk sheets. Because I would never, ever spend that kind of money for them, but I'd sure love a set.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, that's what the girl whose wedding I went to did, although she had a gift list. She registered at John Lewis and we went for the gift voucher option, mainly because the gifts were so expensive (I don't know her that well plus I've just graduated so I can't afford a bread maker!)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Weighing in on the Mrs. His Name, I do NOT like that. I consider it highly sexist. I have to deal with it though because I didn't take my husband's last name when I married him and most people just don't want to put both of our names on envelopes when they address them. What I think is really funny though is that I have a friend, who is 20 years older than I am, but is just as much of a feminist, but still addresses everything to me, even stuff that is only for me as Mrs. His Name.

I've been a long-time fan of Etiquettehell.com (my bible when I was getting married) and do follow the rules that one should not allow close family members to host showers (unless the shower is family only) and should not put registry information on wedding invitations or state "cash gifts only" on the invitation. It's even wrong to say, "no gifts". A gift is polite to take to a wedding, but no couple should expect or demand one. I have a particular beef with couples who throw extravagant weddings they can't afford with the expectation that all guests will make up for the cost by giving a gift equal in value to the cost of feeding them, and then become upset when guests don't pony up the expensive gift and dare to eat, drink, and dance at the couple's expense (how dare they come just because they care about you and wish you well?)

I also don't like honeymoon registries. Wedding gifts are to help a couple start off in life. No one owes them a honeymoon. ONce upon a time a honeymoon was a once-in-a-lifetime trip where a couple would have what was likely their first vacation alone and the last one before children were born. Now couples travel all over the world before they're married and it's socially acceptable. People also take their kids to places that families with children never went in the last century so the possibility of going someone expensive with your kids is no longer such a crazy idea. Couples can also put off having children long enough to travel more before having kids. "We went to the Caribbean at my family's timeshare every year we dated. We got engaged in Paris. Will you please fund our trip to Bora Bora?" NO! Sorry. YOur family doesn't owe you a fancy honeymoon. You can go to Bora Bora when you can afford it. You have that option now.

I confess I was a bit tacky because I put my wedding website on the invite. The invite contained information like directions to the venue, hotel information, and some fun photos. It also contained registry information. All it had was one page that contained links to the stores where we were registered. Just the stores. We did not link to the registries themselves. I know it skirted good taste and I'm a bit ashamed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, I know so little about this wedding 'etiquette'. I got invited to two weddings recently and both had addresses on them and the wedding website address, and one was from someone who is VERY formal. Still, maybe it's the way forward with wedding invites! I wouldn't know.

I just want a simple wedding with no pomp and fuss. My friend agrees. All we want to do, should we get married, is have a wedding at a registry office and then invite everyone to have a meal at a restaurant. And keep our last names.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think charitable donations in lieu of gifts is lovely, but the same conventions apply. No mention on the invite. Share your wishes with bridesmaids and family (or via website).

Putting the website on the invite doesn't bother me at all. Its an excellent and expedient way to share tons of info, including or not including registry. I'd still never mention a cash preference ANYWHERE.

EFR

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think charitable donations in lieu of gifts is lovely, but the same conventions apply. No mention on the invite. Share your wishes with bridesmaids and family (or via website).

Putting the website on the invite doesn't bother me at all. Its an excellent and expedient way to share tons of info, including or not including registry. I'd still never mention a cash preference ANYWHERE.

EFR

Sometimes it's about not killing your parents...I wanted to have a surprise wedding where I invited only 2 of my best friends as witnesses at the courthouse then invited all my friends to a restaurant after and tell them we're married but I thought it might at the very least kill my mom and grandmother. Now I have to deal with 70 or so ppl staring at me as I walk down the aisle. I get nervous thinking about it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Anonymous

Sometimes it's about not killing your parents...I wanted to have a surprise wedding where I invited only 2 of my best friends as witnesses at the courthouse then invited all my friends to a restaurant after and tell them we're married but I thought it might at the very least kill my mom and grandmother. Now I have to deal with 70 or so ppl staring at me as I walk down the aisle. I get nervous thinking about it.

How is that relevant to gift registries? If you choose to 'gift' your parents the experience of seeing you get married in a traditional setting, then that's lovely if it's what you as a couple are happy with.... but that's something you have to decide for yourself, and pay for yourself... your guests aren't responsible for chipping in for the cost....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm hardcore when it comes to not including registry info on wedding invitations - that presumes that your guests will send a gift. I don't even like phrasing like "no gifts please" or "your presence is our gift". Just don't mention it at all and let the gifts come as they come.

Now, my bridal shower invites did have little cards from the two stores where we were registered that were enclosed in the shower invite envelopes. I'm 99% sure that for my baby shower the hostesses included registry cards for those stores as well. It's expected that a shower guest will bring a gift; that's the entire point of a shower! That's (IMO) a different scenario than putting it directly on a wedding invitation.

I also have issues with honeymoon registries, asking for money to build/buy a house, etc. I'm not a fan of the dollar dance but recognize it's a tradition in some families/cultures. A cousin of DH's did a honeymoon registry - they also did a normal registry (with all high-value/expensive items) so it was either spend $75 on a single place setting (times two) or pay for them to take a horseback ride on the beach during their Hawaiian honeymoon cruise. :roll: These folks also vocally expressed how it was expected that their guests give a gift equal in value to the cost of their plate at the wedding (well upwards of $100 for the venue selected). I had just graduated from college and started working less than a month prior and DH was still in school so money was tight. It kind of sucked.

For both our bridal registry and baby registry we were careful to choose items from a wide range of price points, recognizing that not everyone wants to or can afford to spend a lot of money on a gift. In both cases some family and friends got together to get more expensive gifts. One of our most-loved and used baby gifts was from a cousin who knit us a blanket - it probably wasn't more than $10 in yarn, but the love and effort that went into that blanket meant the world to us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Also on the subject of registry info on wedding invites, it's perfectly acceptable in the UK and indeed expected, because it's just the easiest way of people knowing where to go. Imo a lot of 'etiquette' just creates a lot of unnecessary problems and worries for no reason at all. Since it is normal and expected to bring a gift when you are invited to a wedding, it is helpful for guests to know where to find the couple's registry. I don't see what 'tacky' has to do with anything. Call me tacky, but I'd much rather know upfront what's expected than have all the fake politeness.

This. I am in the UK too. Every wedding invitation I have ever received except one had wedding registry details included. One asked for donations for the honeymoon. The one that didn't have details had no registry at all. They received lots of random gifts as everyone wanted to give them something but didn't know what to buy. After seeing that I decided a list was the way to go to avoid lots of unwanted gifts, and of course we put details in with the invitations, that is just what people do. These are all just different cultural traditions, there is nothing tacky or non- tacky about it. The reason Italians and Polish people don't put on the invitations that money is expected is because everyone knows, not because it is less tacky.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some years ago, I was the maid of honor in the wedding of a woman with whom I am no longer friends (for many, many reasons.) When she and her now-DH first started planning their wedding, I told them how I was thinking of getting them a "unique" gift that was not on the registry, since I had known the bride since we were kids and thought that just picking something off the registry felt a little impersonal. They blatantly - and patronizingly - laughed at me and said that they had put together a registry "for a reason", and if I didn't want to buy something from there, I should just give them "cash money" (sic). I felt so stupid.

Of course, this is in addition to the expensive dress I had to buy (I was just out of college, broke and living with my folks, but while the bride paid for the other bridesmaid's gown, she told me I was "on my own" because she somehow perceived my financial situation to be better, not to mention pestering me constantly for weeks because I hadn't ordered the dress on the timeline she preferred, while I was saving the money to buy it), the money I spent throwing her a bachelorette party, etc.

Weddings can make people crazy, but they can also amplify existing insanity and meanness. This wedding was of the latter variety.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some years ago, I was the maid of honor in the wedding of a woman with whom I am no longer friends (for many, many reasons.) When she and her now-DH first started planning their wedding, I told them how I was thinking of getting them a "unique" gift that was not on the registry, since I had known the bride since we were kids and thought that just picking something off the registry felt a little impersonal. They blatantly - and patronizingly - laughed at me and said that they had put together a registry "for a reason", and if I didn't want to buy something from there, I should just give them "cash money" (sic). I felt so stupid.

Of course, this is in addition to the expensive dress I had to buy (I was just out of college, broke and living with my folks, but while the bride paid for the other bridesmaid's gown, she told me I was "on my own" because she somehow perceived my financial situation to be better, not to mention pestering me constantly for weeks because I hadn't ordered the dress on the timeline she preferred, while I was saving the money to buy it), the money I spent throwing her a bachelorette party, etc.

Weddings can make people crazy, but they can also amplify existing insanity and meanness. This wedding was of the latter variety.

That is so true. I've seen it happen a couple of times with relatives and friends. I have a friend who worked as an assistant to a wedding planner for a few years. She hated that job mostly because of the people she had to deal with. Some were pretty selfish and mean about a lot of things and my friend saw a lot of family and friend conflicts happen when she was consulting with brides/couples and their families. My friend lurks on bridal/wedding message boards all the time and I've lurked with her. The same conflicts and arguments come up all the time on those boards. I have found that most of the posters on those message boards aren't very nice people at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't, but I can definitely see how it would make it easier! I never know what to tell people when they ask what so-and-so wants for their birthday. With a registry, you can just add things that the kid shows interest in throughout the year, then point to it when people ask. :)

I hate the "what does Little Pixy want for her birthday?".....honestly, I never know what to say, because how am I supposed to know how much they want to spend? Some people want ot spend $10, some people want to spend $50. I tend to give "types" of things, like "Little Pixy is really into Hello Kitty and Monster High, & Mini-me is into anything from Toy Story and Cars". Makes it easier.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think the registry is a good idea, because I do want to get people something they want. Currently, I am very annoyed because future Mr. DV's brother and sister are getting married in about six weeks - we JUST got the invite and registry is not complete. (They're also dragging their feet about whether or not they've arranged any kind of hotel block - this is a wedding where pretty much everyone on the groom's side/friends of the couple will be traveling to the wedding (which is on a Friday, not for religious reasons) and all of the bride's family lives there. People need to start making travel arrangements before it gets any more expensive, and the place is not exactly overflowing with hotels.) They have been planning it since Christmas, and people have been asking these questions.

I wouldn't put the registry info on the invite, however. I do like the idea of putting the wedding website on there, or on an enclosure with the invite, especially if you're having a wedding where there are a lot of people coming from out of town.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hate the "what does Little Pixy want for her birthday?".....honestly, I never know what to say, because how am I supposed to know how much they want to spend? Some people want ot spend $10, some people want to spend $50. I tend to give "types" of things, like "Little Pixy is really into Hello Kitty and Monster High, & Mini-me is into anything from Toy Story and Cars". Makes it easier.

It's especially fun when people ask for a 1 or 2 year old. "Uhh...she likes chewing on books?" or "Well, he seems to enjoy things that spin, so..."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's obviously not a common thing in your cultures, but in my culture it's normal to ask for money. " An Italian bride may also be carrying a special bag at her reception. It's called la borsa, and as part of a custom called buste (meaning "envelopes"), guests place envelopes with money in the satin bag. The money is used to help cover wedding expenses. Italian families often ask an older relative to hold onto la borsa during the reception."

My family is of Italian heritage as far back as we can determine. We've all heard of the "borsa," but all think it's execrably gauche. In fact, my mother told me there'd be no way in hell any of HER daughters would ever have one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's especially fun when people ask for a 1 or 2 year old. "Uhh...she likes chewing on books?" or "Well, he seems to enjoy things that spin, so..."

Tupperware! All 1 year olds need tupperware, a broom, drumsticks, and an old computer keyboard!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's especially fun when people ask for a 1 or 2 year old. "Uhh...she likes chewing on books?" or "Well, he seems to enjoy things that spin, so..."

It is stupid with really small children. My baby likes anything that comes in a box, because he wants the box most. The registry can be nice if you need finger paint or a coat or something. But with older kids a wish list makes things easy in large, sprawling families like mine. My niece and nephew (whose mother began the now family-wide tradition of making a registry/online wishlist for holidays) are the kids with everything. The girl has so many toys that there is a good chance she already has the Monster High doll I randomly pick from a shelf. And I would rather get the boy the exact skateboard trucks he thinks he needs. It makes things much easier within our family for all of the parents to make the Amazon lists. But I don't tell people unless they ask, and even if they ask I just refer to the wish list as a way to see what they are into right now. Many people like to actually choose a meaningful gift for a child, or they already know what they want to get. And that's fine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tupperware! All 1 year olds need tupperware, a broom, drumsticks, and an old computer keyboard!

I've had success with slightly older kids by following the advice - kids all like bandaids and flashlights. No one ever thinks to buy them bandaids they can stick on themselves wherever they want, and a flashlight of their own is great fun. Extra bonus: cellophane to cover the end of the flashlight for fun colors.

Plus both gifts are cheeeeeeap :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.




×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.