Non-Reversal Anna's baby shower post is up!

[kpmom]

It bothers me as well. I am getting married soon and in the invitations we are asking for money. We've put this in our invitations, "Friends, as you are aware we already have most items needed to 'set up house'. This is the reason for us choosing a wedding wishing well. At the reception there will be a wishing well in which we would love to receive your greeting card and contribution. This will be a great way for us to pool together and buy ourselves a literal foundation for our love. "

Asking for money weirds me out a bit too, so I have told as many people as I can that I don't "expect" money if you don't want to get me something, then don't. I'm not going to say anything, if you feel more comfortable making a donation to the charity we've picked (what we've decided to do for a wedding favour) then do that.

It's gross to expect something like that.

Are you serious?

[deborahlynn1979]

It bothers me as well. I am getting married soon and in the invitations we are asking for money. We've put this in our invitations, "Friends, as you are aware we already have most items needed to 'set up house'. This is the reason for us choosing a wedding wishing well. At the reception there will be a wishing well in which we would love to receive your greeting card and contribution. This will be a great way for us to pool together and buy ourselves a literal foundation for our love. "

Asking for money weirds me out a bit too, so I have told as many people as I can that I don't "expect" money if you don't want to get me something, then don't. I'm not going to say anything, if you feel more comfortable making a donation to the charity we've picked (what we've decided to do for a wedding favour) then do that.

It's gross to expect something like that.

I find this to be so tacky as to be nearly unbearable. I would have thrown your invitation in the mail and not shown up at all. You never, ever, ever, EVER put a request for gifts on a fucking wedding invitation. GAWD.

ETA: Seriously, I bet everyone you sent an invitation to is talking about you behind your back right now.

[alysee]

I find this to be so tacky as to be nearly unbearable. I would have thrown your invitation in the mail and not shown up at all. You never, ever, ever, EVER put a request for gifts on a fucking wedding invitation. GAWD.

ETA: Seriously, I bet everyone you sent an invitation to is talking about you behind your back right now.

In fact they haven't, because they already knew my intentions. I am only inviting good friends and family not like cousins cousin. If I haven't seen them in the last 6 months then they weren't invited.

[Witsec7]

Alysee you say you and your partner have enough stuff. Consider asking your guest to make a donation to a local homeless shelter, to benefit folks who don't have as much stuff as you do.

[alysee]

Alysee you say you and your partner have enough stuff. Consider asking your guest to make a donation to a local homeless shelter, to benefit folks who don't have as much stuff as you do.

The charity that we are giving money too in lieu of a gift for the guests is to the Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada. We are hoping that people give donations to that charity instead of us.

[WonderingInWA]

It bothers me as well. I am getting married soon and in the invitations we are asking for money. We've put this in our invitations, "Friends, as you are aware we already have most items needed to 'set up house'. This is the reason for us choosing a wedding wishing well. At the reception there will be a wishing well in which we would love to receive your greeting card and contribution. This will be a great way for us to pool together and buy ourselves a literal foundation for our love. "

Asking for money weirds me out a bit too, so I have told as many people as I can that I don't "expect" money if you don't want to get me something, then don't. I'm not going to say anything, if you feel more comfortable making a donation to the charity we've picked (what we've decided to do for a wedding favour) then do that.

It's gross to expect something like that.

Holy shit. You're kidding, right?

[deborahlynn1979]

The charity that we are giving money too in lieu of a gift for the guests is to the Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada. We are hoping that people give donations to that charity instead of us.

But you said earlier that you wanted money for yourselves, not a charity.

[Witsec7]

The charity that we are giving money too in lieu of a gift for the guests is to the Heart and Stroke Foundation of Canada. We are hoping that people give donations to that charity instead of us.

A gift for the guests? Is this a Canadian or family tradition? So you're asking them to put money in your wishing well, and you are also asking them to donate to the charity you mentioned? Is that in your wedding invite as well? So the guests get to write two checks? One to you and one to the charity?I swear I'm not being obtuse but this is very confusing.

[alysee]

Holy shit. You're kidding, right?

It's obviously not a common thing in your cultures, but in my culture it's normal to ask for money. " An Italian bride may also be carrying a special bag at her reception. It's called la borsa, and as part of a custom called buste (meaning "envelopes"), guests place envelopes with money in the satin bag. The money is used to help cover wedding expenses. Italian families often ask an older relative to hold onto la borsa during the reception."

[alysee]

But you said earlier that you wanted money for yourselves, not a charity.

I wasn't clear, if they want to give money to us that's fine if they don't like that idea give it to the charity of our choice. Or just come...I don't care. We want everyone there.

[Witsec7]

It's obviously not a common thing in your cultures, but in my culture it's normal to ask for money. " An Italian bride may also be carrying a special bag at her reception. It's called la borsa, and as part of a custom called buste (meaning "envelopes"), guests place envelopes with money in the satin bag. The money is used to help cover wedding expenses. Italian families often ask an older relative to hold onto la borsa during the reception."

Polish families pin money to the wives veil. I'm familiar with the tradition of the la borsa. But chicca I've been to a shitload of Italian weddings in my life, and I've never gotten an invite that asked me to ante up right out the gate.

[alysee]

Polish families pin money to the wives veil. I'm familiar with the tradition of the la borsa. But chicca I've been to a shitload of Italian weddings in my life, and I've never gotten an invite that asked me to ante up right out the gate.

My friends aren't Italian. That's why it's there. Although, I have told them as well in advance. It won't be a surprise to them, only to you guys, who aren't invited.

[Witsec7]

Head desk...

Anyone want to join me? It won't cost you a dime.

[deborahlynn1979]

You may not find it tacky, but I think you'll find that you are very mistaken. People won't say it to your face, but damn...THAT'S TACKY.

[alysee]

You may not find it tacky, but I think you'll find that you are very mistaken. People won't say it to your face, but damn...THAT'S TACKY.

Whether they find it tacky or not, they will come with our without something, that's all that matters.

[Witsec7]

Poles in my family were always marrying Italians, some first generation, some straight from Italy. Good weddings, great parties massive quantities of food and drink. Our families all had 'American' friends or friend outside of our cultures. We never mandated that money be given.

[atheistjd]

You may not find it tacky, but I think you'll find that you are very mistaken. People won't say it to your face, but damn...THAT'S TACKY.

Yeah - I'm kind of of the opinion that between wedding websites, save-the-dates, and word of mouth, you NEVER even put where you are registered on the invitation (needless to say ask for cash). Mr. AJD and I had a "honeymoon registry" (basically a nice, thoughtful way of getting cash) and a reasonably priced but small (no china, fancy silverware, or useless items; just the stuff we would have bought ourselves if we had the money) department store registry, but would never ever ever have included that info in the invitation or anything. It may be a cultural thing, but I have to agree it is tacky. People won't forget to bring a gift; if you aren't registered anywhere, or if you say so on your wedding website, they will figure out to give cash or checks - I feel like you must have a low opinion of your guests if you think they can't figure it out...

[ncb]

Yeah, if you still have most of the gear all you probably need is a new car seat, maybe a second crib depending on the child's age, and maybe to borrow a tandem stroller. Two of my mom friends and several of my husband's relatives had their kids 18-19 months apart and while they did have registries (which I initially thought was a little tacky) it was intended purely as a shopping list for the parents AND to get the completion discount coupon!

When we have a second kid, DD will be around 3 or older and we'll still have all of her things from babyhood. Our layette was gender neutral, and there are so many boys in the extended family that I'm not worried about getting sufficient boy clothes. There's always the children's consignment store and the outlets if we end up having a boy. My parents have committed to buying a crib for each of our babies, but our next child will be in our room for the first ~6-12 months anyways. I can't think of a single thing that would be necessary for a new baby that we don't already have from our first.

I do understand having a second baby shower if multiples are expected or if it's been a long time since the mother had her first child (5-6 years at least).

I hope that Melanie has a great celebration party for her new baby after s/he arrives! All babies should be celebrated.

Usually we have some sort of gathering for the second, third etc baby but, rather than getting individual gifts we take up a collection and either buy a giftcard for target or a few months of diaper service or a bunch of boxes of diapers from costco.

[ncb]

I gotta tell ya I think you have big balls for this and I do find it quite tasteless. I come from a culture where money is a normal gift given as a wedding present, but even in that culture it would be rude to flat out ask for it.Why not just ask them to make a check payable to the bank that holds your student loan, or your auto insurance?

I don't want to sound mean. I know times are tough but, this sounds weird to me. I would either say nothing about gifts and then just have someone tell people they are saving up for "x" when asked or I would register for a few items and then gift cards (most stores let you register for gift cards). Alternately, you could do dollar dances!

[Deleted03]

I think it's problematic to have untold expectations that everyone is supposed to give a gift going to a wedding but if you dare allude to it then you're tasteless.

Yes it's tasteless to say you can drop by with the gift (oh yeah coz I am not welcome at any other time?) but to say too here's my registry rather than wait for everyone to ask you separately I don't think that's tasteless. I think it's efficient. Remind everyone that no one has to buy anything and you're good to go. Some of the people you're invite won't know anyone else, others will not know them that well, and honestly putting the responsibility on other people bothers me too.

I find it hypocritical to think it's tasteless to give the registry location or explain that even though you'd be very happy with presents, right now what helps you the most is a financial contribution if that's really what you want to do while everyone is still expected to buy something. It's a kind of registry, just another way. And no one will force you to give anything.

[emmiedahl]

Poles in my family were always marrying Italians, some first generation, some straight from Italy. Good weddings, great parties massive quantities of food and drink. Our families all had 'American' friends or friend outside of our cultures. We never mandated that money be given.

My husband's family is Italian and Polish! omg, I did not realize this is a trend!

I know that if I am going to an Italian wedding, bring cash. Actually, I think every wedding I have been to has had some method of collecting money, a money tree or whatever. I have never heard of it being on the invitation. You are not even supposed to put registries on the invitation, anyone who wants to buy you a gift will ask.

Alysee, I assure you that many eyes were rolled at your invitations.

[demgirl]

Wow. You guys are pretty harsh. I have to disagree. I think it's fine to put it out there what you want for your wedding. I've been to so many weddings where I am the groom's friend, so I'm not invited to the shower or anything, and I can't figure out where the stupid registry is and by the time I figure it out, everything I could buy is gone, unless I want to buy like, a spoon and a fork and a towel and a pillow, which is just weird. I would much rather know upfront what the bride and groom want, especially if it's cash, which makes my life easier. I've never understood why people aren't supposed to just say they want money, instead of going through the hassle of doing a registry of stuff they probably don't want or need that much anyway and where else are you supposed to put that besides the invitation? Regardless, Alysee -- I think it's nice that you're doing charity contributions as the favor. I'd much rather get that as a guest than those mints in boxes things.

As for NR Anna, she actually looks happy. And will wonders never cease? So does Christopher. They seem slightly less entangled in the main Maxwell house and maybe that's been good for them.

[Witsec7]

My husband's family is Italian and Polish! omg, I did not realize this is a trend!

I know that if I am going to an Italian wedding, bring cash. Actually, I think every wedding I have been to has had some method of collecting money, a money tree or whatever. I have never heard of it being on the invitation. You are not even supposed to put registries on the invitation, anyone who wants to buy you a gift will ask.

Alysee, I assure you that many eyes were rolled at your invitations.

In my family it was considered marrying 'up'. My parents were devastated when I broke my engagement to the HS BF, it was the second time they disowned me :D

[Haligh the Liar]

Asking for money on the wedding invitations is quite possibly the tackiest thing ever, and an egregious breach of etiquitte.

As I understand, no invitation or anything coming from the couple should mention registries, etc. The families of the couple and the attendants are supposed to convey registry information if requested.

My best friend is getting married this summer, and hopes to receive cash gifts, so this is what I suggested- start a registry with only a few moderately priced items at a store like Target. Then, when people check and see that all 15 things have been purchased, they will choose been money or a special gift that they select, and more often than not, people will write a check. Were I to be invited to a wedding requesting cash, regardless of the closeness of the friend or their ethnic background, I would respond with my regrets and MAYBE send a dollar store card, if feeling generous.

[emmiedahl]

In my family it was considered marrying 'up'. My parents were devastated when I broke my engagement to the HS BF, it was the second time they disowned me :D

Now I have to ask: which side is supposedly marrying up, the Italian or the Polish?

I guess there is a reason my husband's family did not bat an eyelash at him bringing home a Central Asian/Eastern European Jew. My first set of in-laws were rather scandalized so I was prepared for it! But the current in-laws were even thrilled I already had a child, you know how Italians cannot resist a cute kid.