Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

[thoughtful]

  

    1 hour ago, Dana723 said:  

Quote

Between the two of them, they just about kill me!  😂

Well, as it says in Hebrews, 9:27, it is appointed unto to men once to die.

Finishing up the special, long-awaited message about the devil, at Bethel in King Ferry on 9/10 - I am having that problem again, where a post won't go through, so I am going to break it up. Gary reads from:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+4%3A1-11&version=KJV

KJV: Then the devil taketh him up into the holy city
BGV: Then the devil taketh him up into a high city

Still thinking about weed, Gary?

KJV: Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world
BGV: And again the devil taketh him up into an exceedingly high mountain, and sheweth him all things of the world

KJV: All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me.
BGV: All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship him ya know what th'devil didn't realahz? God already owned this.

The devil says he has the answers, but only God does. Again, Gary insults those people who make you lie on the couch, priests and the Pope. "Ah would be very very very keerful." Gary's salvation is not in a Pope:
 

Spoiler

or a boat.

 

Gary rambles about Brother Carpenter and some other guy, and yells about going to your own pastor for answers. The captions, of course, think he is giving advice to horses:
 

Spoiler

Gary told Brother George that if he came to this revival instead of going to his own church on Wednesday or Sunday, "ah would kill him." And he goes on to scold them about going to their own churches whenever there's a service, even if it means missing hearing him preach somewhere else.

Read your Bible, use the altar - that goes on for a while.

Edited September 18, 2021 by thoughtful

[Joyster]

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 

I love the close captions!

This one reminded me a wannabe Dr. Seuss beginning reader for fundies.  Today we are working on the long o sound.  Remember, it's Fundieland, and salvation would definitely be a sight word.  I'm sorry, I know it's bad.

That’s right.  Amen.

My my my salvation is not in a boat.

My my my salvation is not in a coat.

Not with a goat or your tv remote.

Take note, it is with my vote

And in my throat when I badly quote what God wrote.

[thoughtful]

Trying to continue the 9/10 screamfest recap:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+24%3A1-8&version=KJV

"SEPTicker" for sepulchre, of course, and the captions take him at his word:

 

Spoiler

I think rolling away from the septic is more practical than putting spices in it.

He screams about being happy you're going to Heaven, and not looking at the graveyard for Jesus. Jesus is alive, and he lives in Gary's heart. As Gary celebrates the fact that the Bible says Jesus is going to prepare a mansion for him, the captions have other ideas:

Spoiler

 

After he tells them his new clothes are waiting in Heaven, and before he gets to the exciting news that all of his favorite food will be there, but will not be fattening, Gary admits he hasn't been doing as well losing weight as he did last year. He says he is "stayin' steady about where ah am."

Gary, this is the only aspect of life about which I have any sympathy for you, but lying about it won't help. If you are staying about steady, it appears to be at a weight pretty close to the one at which you started.

But at least he admits he hasn't been doing as well, and has stopped Jesus-bragging about his 80 pound weight loss.

He tells them that Chris' wife puts cat food in her macaroni salads.

That would be tuna.

And there won't be any tuna in Heaven.

But there will be Chinese food, and Chris had better get to like it. "It'll be the best cat he'll ever eat, amen."

Sometimes it's a toss-up whether Gary is more offensive when he's trying to be funny, or when he's serious.

Edited September 18, 2021 by thoughtful
I finally got the resistant part to post - replies merged, so I took out my intro.

[thoughtful]

More from 9/10:

Back to Jesus. He's got this. Then Gary imitates people screaming "what about Telebon?" and screams about the 20-year "celebration" of 9/11, and how people would post on Facebook about how they remember, but "most of 'em's lahin'."

He goes on for a while about how we've given up to the Telebon. "Ah'm prayin' that ah don't git down to Pennsylvania an' meet one them jokers."

Why Gary thinks there are Taliban members in PA is beyond me.

Some predicting of persecution is next, and Gary's up for it. With the help of God, of course - Gary runs through a rhythmic chant of all of the times God gives him grace, and then goes on to the future - "he'll give me grace when they're cuttin' mah head off, when they're pullin' the trigger on that uh, electric fence that ah'm gonna be settin' in - that electric chair that ah'm gonna set' in amen."

"Go to John chapter 44 - uh, if you've got a Bible with John chapter 44, you better throw it in the trash. John chapter 8, verse 44.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+8%3A44&version=KJV

"Jesus is a liar. He's a liar."
Becky is paying attention - we hear her say "The devil - not Jesus," which the captioning doesn't pick up.
Gary: "The devil is a liar. Who'd ah say?"
Becky: "Jesus."
Gary: "One 'em is."

Spoiler

 

 

 

 

 

Of course, no "how stupid of me," no "thank you Becky," not even a "boy, I need some sleep." He just goes right back to screaming about the devil. In this segment, the devil is telling someone not to try out an unknown church, and Gary gets angry enough to do his animal growl again, followed by a haughty pissy face.

"Hey, listen hey as long as it's Biblical, you just maht as well, uh SUCK IT UP an' be ya MMMMMMM, ya might as well be uh enjoy it."

Spoiler

Gary yells about how the devil will cause division in the churches. The captions have other ideas:

Spoiler

Then he disses the churches where the devil can sit on the back pew and take a vacation, because they're full of "dead people."

His bit about the devil never sleeping follows, and he repeats the crap about the devil trying to talk you out of going to church - I think it's at least the third time.

 

Edited September 18, 2021 by thoughtful
fixing spoiler

[Xan]

I find Gary's lack of introspection interesting.  He's not getting the big, supportive reactions that he did in the south.  Instead of changing his routine, he doubles down on it and makes it more Garyish.  There's more screaming, more pissy faces, and more persecution fantasies.  (I have to admit that I'd like to see him sitting in that electric fence.)

I can sympathize with his weight struggle but he needs to put on some looser clothes.  I don't really care to see his man nipples.

[thoughtful]

More from 9/10:

While talking about people who lie when they say they watched church on Facebook, Gary changes up his usual spiel about Covid. He says he hates the "vahris" with a passion, and that it has "taken a lot of mah friends, it has taken somma mah families outta here."

I think this is the first I've heard of Gary losing family to Covid. Of course, it could just be Gary's mouth moving with no thought behind it, but who knows?

"But how many vahrises have we had over the decades? This is no different. This is a trick and a lah . . . of the devil. Ah have no doubt about it."

While spewing his half-baked theories and memories of what people did about church during the early days of the pandemic, Gary offers this word coleslaw (maybe, for Gary, word chop suey would be more appropriate):

"People didn't know what t'do they was tryin' t'make raht decisions and wrong decisions an' whatever they could do t'provahd havin' church outsahd you know what? An even had some friendsa mahn tell me 'Oh, you wouldn' believe this but ah had visitors that would pull in the parking lot 'cause we was havin' church outsahd' y'know what ah told 'em ah said ah'd burn the building down an' have church outsahds. You don't have t'agree with that, that's OK, you have the raht to be wrong, amen. But if you got visitors comin', wha would you not do somethin' t'make visitors come? Amen?"

He gets an "Amen," but waits for more of a reaction.

It's night, it's summer, the windows are open, so we literally hear crickets. 🦗

"Man. It's a hard crowd tonaht. Ah thought the bigger the crowd, the better it'd be."

And he screams about hoping they're not on the same page as the devil.

Gary, just because people don't have an amengasm after you say something that makes no sense, but includes the phrase "I'd burn the building down," does not mean they are in league with the devil.

Gary goes on, at top shrieking volume, to the devil causing divorce. He says Becky was probably better off without him, financially. He jokes (?) that she says he took all of her money, "but ah didn't know she had none."

He married her because he loves her (I'll wait while you "awwwww"), and when he said "I do," he meant it.

After a long, solemn pause, he says "An' when she's good to me ah'm glad she's around, amen. Some of y'all'll git that after a whahl."

There's nothing to "git," Gary - that didn't even approach the outer suburbs of funny. It wasn't fit to kiss the hem of an actual joke's garment.

There are no lies in the Bible - it's perfect. Gary seems to think that people only reject the Bible because "it got a holt to" them.

1 Timothy, real quick-lahk.

[postscript]

Gary is a one-man avatar machine. Those pissy-face screenshots are gold.

Those poor overworked shirt buttons, straining to cover his expanding gut. I sympathize with his weight struggle, particularly since he seems to have worked hard and be losing ground. But put on the fat clothes, Gary. I don’t want to see one of those buttons pop off during a Jesus frenzy. 

[thoughtful]

More from 9/10:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+timothy+3%3A6-7&version=KJV

"What about this? Thinkin' you know more of God, an' hey you'll denah Him in a heartbeat. Ah wahnna say sumpin' to ya. You listen to me all th'way through an' don't  don't put words in mah mouth. Here's what ah hate about colleges today. You listen to me an' you listen t'me all the way through. Here's what ah hate about colleges, 'cause ah've seen it happen.  Y'send 'em off to some Christian college an' they come back, they was King James when they left yer house,  now they're not sure what they are."

Someone asked Gary about a "certain place" - a college, I presume, and Gary said "Ah wouldn't send mah dog there."

People are denying God - even Peter denied God. He said he was willing to crucified with God, but Jesus said, "Nah, before the cock crows thrice, you'll deny me."

Actually, depending on which account you read (KJV, of course), the cock only crows once or twice - it's the denying that happens thrice.

Or maybe:

Spoiler

Going back to the verses, which say a novice is prone to fall into the devil's ways, Gary says "If you don't get grounded, and you a novelist, the devil will git you t'denah God."

What about non-fiction authors, Gary?

Back to yelling about the devil's fall from grace, and how "he's pretty well got America, amen?"

Peter's problem was being a know-it-all. Gary doesn't like know-it-alls - they better stay away from him. Gary proudly tells them he doesn't know much. If you come up to him after church and tell him you understand everything in the King James Bible, he'll call you a liar, and won't have a bit of a problem doin' it.

But, I thought it was at such a simple reading level, Gary, unlike the other translations.

Gary repeats a few things he's said repeatedly already.

[thoughtful]

The rest of the 9/10 devil-fest:

"Lemme give you this an' ah'm done - Revelations chapter 20. Revelations chapter 20 look in verses tin."

KJV: And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.
BGV: And the devil that deceived them, was cast into the lake of fahhr and the brimstones where the bees - uhuhuh where the bees and the false prophets are, and shall be tormented day and night. For ever and ever.

Gary goes on and on and on about how the devil is out to get you. But you need the help of God to fight him. We need to be "armed up" by coming in the word of God.  Like little David, who said, according to Gary (and I heard the same thing the captions did), when Goliath mocked him, "I did not . . .

Spoiler

Sheaves and faves?! I think that's a sword, shield and spear, Gary.

Gary names all of the churches represented there, gets one wrong, and when corrected, says "whatever."

And he yells and grumbles to the end. At one point, I would swear he says that, if you try to fight the devil without God, "what's gonna happen, word we use in North Carolahna, you're gonna fart."

But that couldn't be it. Maybe he meant "you’re for it."

Then he says "You're gonna fail." 

An, just in case he hasn't slathered on enough guilt, "You wanna be a disappointment t'God?"

Way to inspire, Gary.

By sheer coincidence, I got this in an email from a delivery service this morning:

Spoiler

But do they have sheaves?

 

Edited September 18, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[Jasmar]

55 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Peter's problem was being a know-it-all. Gary doesn't like know-it-alls - they better stay away from him

🥸😵‍💫🤪🤯 

The last moments of the latest irony meter, in pictograph

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Jasmar said:

🥸😵‍💫🤪🤯 

The last moments of the latest irony meter, in pictograph

@Jasmar, I hope your irony meter knew that it knew that it knew that it was saved - eternity is a long time.

On to 9/12, when, as @Xan warned me, Gary was at The Church of Bloody Chorus Boy Jesus and the Trump Loving Piano - er, West Providence Bible Baptist Church Everett PA.

Becky looks pleased with herself after singing Preach On.

Spoiler

I'll take a nice wooden circle around a piano over that disgusting cover, any day.

Gary grabs a water bottle, under the watchful eye of Jesus:

Spoiler

And I have to stop right there, because the "SIN-SINS-SINNERS," just because of the rhythm, set off my everything's a song cue alarm.

Yesterday I heard old Gary scream
His theme, all in a stream.
Ninety times he babbled his refrain,
And ninety more he screamed and shrieked the same things once again, to tell us,

Sin, sins, sinners, please learn!
Sin, sins, sinners, you’ll burn!
That little devil dude
That takes God
Away from you, no words can tell how sad it makes God!

Reform, repent, sinner, and then,
Oh, sinner, do it over again!
You reptobate,
Please don’t be late!
’Cause if you don’t get the faith the lake of fahhr is your fate!
Sin, sin, sin!
Sin, sins, sinners, please learn!
Sin, sins, sinners, you’ll burn!

 

[Dana723]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

It's night, it's summer, the windows are open, so we literally hear crickets. 🦗

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

OK, continuing on with Gary's message at West Providence Bible Baptist Church in Everett PA, where the piano is draped in shame.

Gary says there are places (I assume he means churches) he likes going back to, and places he doesn't, and this is one of the places he likes coming back to.

He announces 1 Corinthians chapter 12, then says "Ah told y'all ah went to the ball game last naht." I guess that was part of Becky's birthday gift - couldn't get him to go over the falls in a barrel, eh, Becky?

He tells them he ate popcorn and drank water - "ah was good."

But, while he was there, he "started pondein' ohn baseball," and the Lord "gave me a message - on baseball." Or, as the captions would have it:

Spoiler

Mysterious ways, indeed.

Gary says there are "some things that they got at the ball field that we need at our churches," and he promises he has Scripture for everything he says. After some babbling about some sermon he heard years ago using the bases in baseball as a metaphor (no, Gary doesn't call it that), and other mumblings, he reads:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+12%3A12-27&version=KJV

Gary always struggles with the tongue-twisters in this passage. At least he admits it this time.

KJV: And if the ear shall say, Because I am not the eye, I am not of the body; is it therefore not of the body?
BGV:  And if th'ear shall say, Because ah am not of the ah, am I not  - its it not  - of the body; is it therefore not of the body? Ah messed that up real good, didna? Verse seventeen, let's see if we kin do a little better.

We're doing fine, Gary - you're the one having a hard time.

As usual, he says "God has tempted the body together" instead of "tempered."

This time, "schism" came out "skimmish."

So, with this old familiar reading, what will Gary's baseball-inspired message be? I can't wait! He forgets where he put his water bottle, is reminded, then says . . .

"As ah look in day an' hour that we're livin' in, ah see the church bein' neglected a whole lot amen?"

So far, not promising.

"Ah mean, it talks about uh membersa th'body that we would seem that wouldn't be ah wanna say sumpin' to ya - every parta your body should mean somethin' to ya amen? Now mah wahf was a nurse, an' she says tells things an' once in a whahl people git some th - some thangs you can do without with your body but ah'm gonna tellya this much - if you didn't have no arms you'd have a hard tahm eatin', amen? If ya didn't have no legs you'd have a hard tahm gittin' around an' different things."

Oh, Gary -  really? Really? I'm not even going to start on the legs.

He says that, when members of the church are missing, people notice and wonder. Well, I think that's what he means. What actually falls out of his piehole is this: "Ah wahnna say sumpin' to ya, whenever members are not here, ah'll say this much, listen hey ah don't - ah ah it looks lahk a little bit of a different crowd than it when ah was here before, an' ever'thing, an' ah unnerstan' diff'rent situtations an' things goin' ohn, but ahmahnna tellya, when yer not here . . . yer very o - ya should be missed amen?"

And he goes on to say that they should call and check on anyone who doesn't come to church, because of "the day an'hour we're livin' in. We're livin' in a different kahnda country, we're livin' in different tahms, we're livin' in a different ways. You say 'What's'is got t'do with baseball?"

Hey, he got to it earlier than I thought he would.

"Well, as ah was sitting there last naht, ah'm gonna tellya that the title of the message is Bein' a Team. Bein' a Team."

OK - team, member of the body - Gary may be on to something here.

Not so's you can tell, so far, though. Lots of old crap follows - pastors should get along as long as the doctrine's right, some Baptist churches are good, some aren't.

Oh, and "this Covid thing, this vahris thing that we got goin' ohn, it should be that those that want it should have the opportunity t'go git it amen? Ah mean, it's out there, you go git it, you go git shot up. But those who don't want it ought to have the opportunity t'not t'have t'git it.

I assume "it" is the vaccine, not the virus. Or maybe someone's taking a hound that won't hunt behind the barn - I don't know.

Spoiler

While yelling about how it's OK for us all to be different, Gary says "Ah got seven chil'ren - ain't none of 'em alike."

He rambles about "jallousy," among his children, among churches. Gary says he has "some convictions that belong t'me" (of course, he claims he can back them up biblically and that God gave them to him), and says "if you won't get mad at me because ah've got those convictions, an' ah'm gonna live with 'em, ah won't be mad at you for not havin' no convictions."

Then he says he didn't mean that they don't have convictions - well, then why did you say it, Gary?

More old stuff - Gary posts on Facebook and gets people mad. He just wants to make them think, but the news media has made everyone stop thinking, Gary wants people to think about church, not news.

At some point he remembers his theme, and yells "Hey! We're ohn the team!"

Spoiler

Another chorus-boy dance? Paper dolls? Red Rover?

If you're going to Heaven, you're on the team.

Gary mentions that he's from Old Paths Baptist Church. The captions have insight:

Spoiler

Not that it's much different from the actual name - maybe just a little more honest.

He yells abut being on the team for your church, but other than that, it's all old crap.

"Look in Proverbs, chapter three, real quick-lahk. Gonna talk about baseball, amen."

I'll look in Proverbs tomorrow, Gary.

Edited September 19, 2021 by thoughtful

[postscript]

Of course he likes this church. Their decor is right up his alley, what with the blood dripping off Jesus. And I’m sure Gary would travel with the Trump-loving piano if he could. 

Nice to know the Lord keeps up with social media. However, if the Lord really gave Gary a message on Facebook, Gary would just get all pissy (or “the pooch mouth,” as he puts it), rant about it being unbiblical, and unfriend the Lord. 

[thoughtful]

Continuing Gary's message from 9/12, at West Providence Bible Baptist Church in Everett PA, where the decor is even more frightening than in Jill's barndo.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+3%3A5-6&version=KJV

Make plans to lean on God. And listen to Brother Dustin and get on his team. If baseball players "all come in there with different idears an' they didn't have somebody that was over 'em, whatever, listen, there's no tellin' which way the ball game would go. You get up here an' you come t'church and the preacher's preachin' ohn you, an the prea -" Quieter:  "She done got mad an' 'lev'n amen - that's the way they do it 'roun' here ah see how that is amen." Back to yelling: "But we - the reason the tea - the reason the team is shattered an' reason we call 'em yoyos is they got their own unnerstanding."

I think a person left, and I think that distracted Gary enough that he jumped ahead to talking about bad churches and how they break up. What sounded like "eleven" might have been "left." But I'm guessing.

Gary goes on about yoyo churches, and the captions have a tough time with it:

Spoiler

While rambling on about baseball teams and churchgoers that just come, but don't really "show up," he says: "Listen, mah wahf, when she's fightin' a mahgraine headache ah wonder once in a whahl, ah said  ah said  somethin' about Sunday school, ah said 'How did ah do?' She said 'Ah don't know.' Ah said, 'Well you usually don't pay attention, don't much matter, amen.'"

Some men laugh.

Here's the latest pandemic theory - wonder if the CDC knows about this. "The reason listen hey the reason we been goin' through a pandemic is, ain't got nothin' to do with a vahris, ain't got nothin' to do with the media news, it's because people - are leaning - on their own understandin'."

"If ah got up here and told you mah opinions, ah tell you what - some of ya'd go crazy."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+19%3A13&version=KJV

Gary's going to tell us what coaches do when somebody's "not doin' raht."

"Last naht they was throwin' these guys was up there an' they had that ball an' they was throwin' more balls than they was strikes.  Once in a whahl that umpahr or whatever he is he'd go over there and they'd have to have some talkin'."

The captions have a bit of difficulty with "umpire or whatever he is:"

Spoiler

He rants old familiar stuff about using your talent for the church, because, if you don't, God will take it away from you. He burbles out his abbreviated version of the parable of the talents, but it sounds more like he's talking about betting odds:

Spoiler

When he doesn't get yells after saying something about showing up to do work in the church, he does his "if ah have to do the preachin' an' the amennin'" crap, then grumbles "Let me move ohn, ah gotta hurry up. ah guess this message was for me, ah dunno."

He announces Galatians 6:10, reads it, then goes into the quiet mumbles he does when he doesn't read the right verse. He tuns pages for a while, never finds what he meant to read, then says his point was "bein' patient."

Could it have been any of these, Gary? Or these? My evil computer made quick work of finding them.

He talks about the baseball players patiently waiting for their turn at bat.

Gary says it was the Altoona team he watched the previous night, but only up to the:

Spoiler

That's not the captions being wrong - he clearly said "seventh Indian." He needed to walk around after driving for five hours, then sitting in the bleachers. Do they sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at the seventh-Indian stretch, or just play it on the sitar?

Altoona won because they patiently waited for their turn to get:

Spoiler

Gary would like this error of the captions:

Spoiler

He hates the Southern Baptists, because they're not conservative enough any more, and not all KJV.

He claims: "You gotta be very careful sayin' - it's no long the Southern Baptist because Southern is a racis' word. Ah've seen it. Ah've seen it. Ah've heard it - 'it's a racis' word.' So now the Southern Baptist is - is a commissioned Baptist."

Actually, it's Great Commission Baptist, Gary. He says they're not commission Baptists because "they don't do soul - soul winnin'." Or:

Spoiler

I'd say they're just so-so, and not particularly "with it," but what do I know.

"Gotta be patient. Let me move ohn. 'S'everybody alraht? 'Bout two of ya amen. Fizzions chapter fahve."

More later.

 

Edited September 20, 2021 by thoughtful
The pitcher threw a riffle at me.

[smittykins]

16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

“Last naht they was throwin' these guys was up there an' they had that ball an' they was throwin' more balls than they was strikes.  Once in a whahl that umpahr or whatever he is he'd go over there and they'd have to have some talkin'."

Did he watch the Yankees game yesterday? 😬

[postscript]

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"If ah got up here and told you mah opinions, ah tell you what - some of ya'd go crazy."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+19%3A13&version=KJV

 

Everything he presents is an opinion. Doesn’t he realize that? We get a lot of Gary’s Guide to Life sprinkled in with the religious word salad. And yes, some of us are going crazy listening to him.

That said, Gary attempting to explain baseball is hilarious. 

[clese]

I'm trying..lord knows I'm trying to watch the hawkins family ministries on you tube but between Becky's off key singing and Gary's babbling of..tbh..god alone knows what..and the son walking around like a kid in hostage , I just cant stomach the sermons.

I do love the catch ups on here though.

Never laughed so much.

 

Why on earth do people have him in they're church.

Are evangelicals desperate?? 

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, postscript said:

Everything he presents is an opinion. Doesn’t he realize that? We get a lot of Gary’s Guide to Life sprinkled in with the religious word salad.

He either doesn't realize it, or he's purposely bullshitting (I vote for the former - I don't think he's smart enough for the latter). But he says, 1-10 times per message, that what he's telling them is God's word, strictly Biblical, not his own opinions, etc.

Red Barber - er, Gary - continues talking baseball under the watchful eye of bleeding Jesus (He went to bat for your sins), on 9/12, at West Providence Baptist church in Everett PA.

He reads Ephesians 5:19, which he has read many times and quotes often, and manages to leave out something he usually remembers when he quotes it by memory. Again, the mysteries of Gary's brain are astounding.

KJV: Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;
BGV: Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns - and making melody in your heart to the Lord;

"Now, that Altoona baseball team had a - mascot - am ah sayin' that right?"

No word, so far, on whether the mascot at this game was Loco, Al Tuna, Steamer or Trax. Gary describes how it held up a sign asking people to yell loudly, then one that said to be quiet. Gary complains that people don't get excited in church any more. Even in the South, "ah gotta amen mahself," because "we got a lotta dehhhd churches."

Gary, go amen yourself.

I think that Gary would really, really, love to have a mascot that jumps around and holds up signs to excite the crowd during church. Let's think about what it would be. Picture Gary's favorite church people and things, turned into a fuzzy costume with a big head. Fanny Crosby? Oliver B. Greene? A googly-eyed KJV? A cute (if somewhat wooden) character called Old Rugged Crossy?

Back to the message. "When your kids do - uh - hit a home run by the balls at the school house, or  they have some kinda sport an' they do something good, ah'm not gonna tellya that it's wrong for you to be happy about it, but ah'm gonna tellya, these children need Mom and Dad to get excited about God."

Gary tells a story about a Pentecostal woman, who he set straight by explaining that the "speaking in tongues" in the Bible just referred to various languages, then screams stuff we've heard many times for a while.

While shouting his old story about getting out of the car to pump gas with a preaching CD turned to top volume, he says:

Spoiler

He tells his story about the black man in New York that asked Gary to pray for him, since he couldn't get to church that night. Gary says when he goes back he's going to his house. This time he says he  is planning to drag him or tote him to church.

While rattling off the tortures Jesus endured, he now adds "he had a crown of thorns." Maybe he really didn't know about it before this. Turn around and look at the gruesome banner behind you, Gary.

Philippians 2:1-2 - KJV: If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
BGV: There if therefore - if there be therefore any con - consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowl - bowls - bowlsa mercy, Fulfil mah joy, that ye blee - be likemahnded, having the same mahnd, being in one mahnd . . . and one accord.

Bowls of mercy! That would make a great expression. Also, it's nice to have the mirror image of Gary's "Supper bowel" error.

People need to set aside their differences, and be a team. Gary tells them that he doesn't always agree with his pastor, but  he doesn't get mad or leave the church, because "he's the pasture."

He fails to tell them that his pastor is also his daddy, who gives him a place to stay and feeds him when there are no gigs, who is storing all of his and Becky's possessions, and probably gives him lots of other help. He really can't antagonize "his pastor."

We find out that Pastor Carpenter died.

Gary tells them that he and his wife don't always agree, but assures them they don't have "marriagal problems."

He thinks this church has been doing well since Brother Dustin became pastor. I guess he forgot why this church needed a new pastor (previous pastor died falling off of a building, believed to be suicide), or maybe he thinks it's a good thing the previous guy took himself out of the picture, insensitive lout that he is.

While discussing some differences between another pastor and a man at his church, Gary quotes him as saying "Mah member does not believe exactly the way ah do on this scripture."

Inner 12-year olds, enjoy!

He's heavy on the "is everybody alraht?" begging in this message, especially in this segment - he must have asked it 4-5 times.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+peter+5%3A1-4&version=KJV

KJV: The elders which are among you I exhort, who am also an elder, and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, and also a partaker of the glory that shall be revealed:
BGV: The elder which are among you I exhort who ah am. Also an elder, and a witness of sufferings of Christ, and alsay a PARtaker of the glory shall be uh revealed:

KJV: Feed the flock of God which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not by constraint, but willingly; not for filthy lucre, but of a ready mind;
BGV: Feed the flock of God. Which is among you, taking the oversight thereof, not bah CONstr -, CONstray  CONstraint, but willingly; not for filthy luger, but a ready mahnd;

Gary needs to clean his gun again.

KJV: Neither as being lords over God's heritage, but being examples to the flock.
BGV: Never as - neither as being lords over the shepherd, being examples to the flock.

"Now you know what? For that ball team t'have a good ball team, they hadta have a coach."

After telling them they have to follow their pastor, and not getting the response he wants, he says "Mah goodness, have mercy on mah soul," turning away, then back to face them, like he just can't believe they're not screaming amens at him.

Spoiler

 

It must be so exhausting, even for people who believe as he does. I'd be tempted to yell, alright - I'd want to yell "Just preach - say what you want to say. You add a half-hour to the message with all of your begging for responses."

Gary talks about a church that lost its pastor, and says "you gotta have a shepherd." The captions know better:

Spoiler

Gary says to make sure a new pastor is an undershepherd and not a ________ (I don't understand the next word, but the captions have an interesting idea):
 

Spoiler

A bad pastor stole from the church and destroyed it, and:

Spoiler

Skippy? Skippy? Skippy?

Gary has a burden for America. He would like to get people to work together (he puts in the obligatory aside about how hard it would be because Baptist preachers don't like each other), and start churches in all 50 (he checks with Becky to make sure that's the correct number) states.

Gary wants to get people together, and teach them doctrine, then send them out to start churches.

Can you imagine?

"That team last night" - hey, remember the baseball game? Gary finally did! Anyway, they had a coach, that corrected them when it was needed.

If you didn't know anything about Bro Gary, wouldn't you think this was someone expressing their worship of Jesus, by facing the depiction of the crucifixion?

Spoiler

But, of course, it is Gary - he didn't get loud enough amens when he put his hand up to his ear, so he turned around to represent a congregant, screamed HAYMEN! in appreciation of his own words, then turned to the front again and said "Good preachin' if ah am doin' it."

He brings up Pastor appreciation month (October), and this garbled mess follows: "Mah wahf sells Tupperware an' so mah wahf give our - which - mah pasture is also mah father. Mah wahf give mah - our pastor's wahf some Tupperware. All women need Tupperware, amen. What did we give mah - ah don't know what we give mah pastor, some money, whatever. Nobody's told me anything. Nobody said anything to me amen! Is everybody alraht? It's yer first obligation is yer pasture. An' if you don't think that's raht all ya gotta do is open up the worda God."

Well, at least he admitted that his pastor is his father.

He rambles about the church that doesn't have a pastor, and only has four members left. One of the two remaining men, Brother Mark, has been preaching. Gary thinks Mark might be the man to take over and be pastor, which he expresses in this lovely way.

"Ah'm just before tellin' him he maht be the man and just step up . . .

Spoiler

He gets weirdly quiet, leaving a lot of long silences between little bits about the pastor being the leader, looking at them with all of his pissy faces and insisting "Dustin ain't said nothin' to me."

I don't know if he's just lost his crazy train of thought or this is some weird Gary version of a gangster's warning. "Nice soul ya got there - be a shame if something happened to it because ya didn't respect yer pasture."

After several minutes of this sullen hinting, he calls Becky to the piano, and does a very Garyesque job of setting the mood for the altar call. Still sounding sullen, he says:

"Ah don't know your heart, ah don't know your condition, ah'm done. But if you ain't saved, today would be a good day to join the team. Jacob bring me mah coat, please. Today would be a good day to join the team. Because listen, if you ain't a member of the team, you ain't a part of the team, you're not goin' to Heaven. Amen."

Jacob tosses something to him (not a coat), it falls short, and I can't tell what it is. Gary throws his keys to Jacob, and says something to Becky about "Ah can't afford to bah this stuff."

Then he tells them to stand and bow their heads, because God has led him to do an altar call. He gets another round of energy and yells about just coming up to talk to God, even if you're already saved, while Becky sings Somebody Go Get God.

Jacob tosses Gary his jacket, over the heads of penitents at the altar. A touching tableau.

Spoiler

Looks like Jacob and Jesus are playing keep-away.

 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by thoughtful
A riffle stole 2nd.

[Xan]

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Red Barber - er, Gary - continues talking baseball under the watchful eye of bleeding Jesus (He went to bat for your sins), on 9/12, at West Providence Baptist church in Everett PA.

I love this.

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary, go amen yourself.

I love this even more.

Thanks, @thoughtful.  Reading this was a good way to start the day.

[postscript]

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He either doesn't realize it, or he's purposely bullshitting (I vote for the former - I don't think he's smart enough for the latter). But he says, 1-10 times per message, that what he's telling them is God's word, strictly Biblical, not his own opinions, etc.

Red Barber - er, Gary - continues talking baseball under the watchful eye of bleeding Jesus (He went to bat for your sins), on 9/12, at West Providence Baptist church in Everett PA.

He reads Ephesians 5:19, which he has read many times and quotes often, and manages to leave out something he usually remembers when he quotes it by memory. Again, the mysteries of Gary's brain are astounding.

KJV: Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;
BGV: Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns - and making melody in your heart to the Lord;

"Now, that Altoona baseball team had a - mascot - am ah sayin' that right?"

No word, so far, on whether the mascot at this game was Loco, Al Tuna, Steamer or Trax. Gary describes how it held up a sign asking people to yell loudly, then one that said to be quiet. Gary complains that people don't get excited in church any more. Even in the South, "ah gotta amen mahself," because "we got a lotta dehhhd churches.

I think that Gary would really, really, love to have a mascot that jumps around and holds up signs to excite the crowd during church. Let's think about what it would be. Picture Gary's favorite church people and things, turned into a fuzzy costume with a big head. Fanny Crosby? Oliver B. Greene? A googly-eyed KJV? A cute (if somewhat wooden) character called Old Rugged Crossy?

 

 

I vote for too stupid to realize that his many ramblings on his truck are not the inspired word of God. His racist comments about Native Americans and “all women need Tupperware, amen” are also coming from Gary, not God. But even if he recognized that, he’d never admit it.

I hope he doesn’t decide that Jacob needs to dress up as a church mascot (stinking Lazarus? The possibilities are endless!). 

He would probably be surprised to learn that in Catholic and mainstream Protestant churches, the congregation sits quietly during the sermon and doesn’t yell “amens” (pronounced “ah-men,” not “ay-men,” at least in the Lutheran tradition I grew up in) back at the minister. My Scandinavian ancestors would have been horrified at the idea of interrupting the pastor. When I was a kid, there was a sing “amen” at the end of every hymn, but I think that has gone by the wayside. 

[AmazonGrace]

Gary, I reserve the right to shut up and mind my own business at church and  I have Paul to back me up:

Spoiler

11Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness.12I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.

 

[mango_fandango]

Can’t believe it’s been just over 4 years since the first Bro Gary thread! I was there from the beginning. I’ve not been that active recently but I still check out the threads from time to time.

I’m tempted to do a  highlights post. I haven’t re-read the Bro Gary threads for a while.

 

[postscript]

1 hour ago, mango_fandango said:

Can’t believe it’s been just over 4 years since the first Bro Gary thread! I was there from the beginning. I’ve not been that active recently but I still check out the threads from time to time.

I’m tempted to do a  highlights post. I haven’t re-read the Bro Gary threads for a while.

 

I recently went back and read some of the early Gary threads. It’s worth a revisit - the puke pink weens, the video rants showcasing his nostrils, torn shirt, and ample gut (not to mention the occasional glimpse of his feet), the punctuation and grammar free Facebook posts, the continuing saga of Gary’s parade of disintegrating vee-hickles, Becky’s misguided ventures with dime store jewelry and toothpasta. I follow him for the unintentional hilarity. 

[thoughtful]

6 hours ago, Xan said:

15 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary, go amen yourself.

I love this even more.

Thanks - it occurred to me later that it's not clear in writing how Gary said it. It wasn't "I need to do the amenning (comma) on my own." It really sounded like "amen myself," the way you'd say "I need to excuse myself."

So the "go amen yourself" popped right into my head.

6 hours ago, postscript said:

stinking Lazarus?

Oh, excellent! It would have to be after the unbinding, though - hard to do all of the dancing around with feet tied together and eyes covered. The rich man in Hell, lifting up his eyes in torment and begging for water, could be the other mascot.

6 hours ago, postscript said:

He would probably be surprised to learn that in Catholic and mainstream Protestant churches, the congregation sits quietly during the sermon and doesn’t yell “amens” (pronounced “ah-men,” not “ay-men,” at least in the Lutheran tradition I grew up in) back at the minister.

He may know that about those churches - he has some spotty knowledge, and it's full of misconceptions. But, of course, if he does, he dismisses them as being dead people in dead churches.

Like Goldilocks, he has his preferences. Quiet church services, led by gentle clergy, are too dead. Pentecostal, Holiness and mega-churches, full of speaking in tongues or waving arms and boogie-woogie, are too wild.

A Baptist service in which the congregation screams orgasmically whenever the preacher pauses, then shuts up to listen to his next perfect pearl of wisdom, are jusssssst raht!