Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

[thoughtful]

The service on 9/9, at Bethel in King Ferry, where the piano is in its nest and all's right with the world, begins with singing, with a guitar (no nest - it's hard to play them that way) accompaniment.

Pastor Chris Howe asks Jacob to give the opening prayer, which he does succinctly (learn from the young, adult Baptist bloviators!). It's short enough that Gary only manages to get in one "Yes" near the end, and no orgasmic moaning.

I'm glad of that, because hearing Gary moaning "Oh, God, yes!" over his own son's voice might have broken something important in my brain.

The pastor asks "How many y'all tired tonight?" in the same way Gary usually asks if they're glad to be in church, which amuses me. But, of course, they are there to get their "batteries recharged."

Chris jokes that he has a confession to make - he didn't set his alarm, so he slept until 4:30 that morning. He says some crap about how all of the disasters in the world are signs of the Lord coming back soon.

He's ready to go, and mocks "the average church" by saying they'd probably never know the Rapture had come until they heard it on the news. A lot of people you think are Christians will compromise and fail.

More singing, then testimony. A woman got to meet her next-door-neighbors, and she invited them to church. That prompts Pastor Chris to talk about his old neighbors, and the ones that replaced them: "These houses had some, some uh, some signs up about the uh - the presidential candidate that lost, and some derogatory signs - flags hanging out, so, I think those folks have moved out."

We hear Gary laughing loudly.

Chris goes on to say something about a guy up the road who has a big flag with negative things on it about the current president, and how he thinks he should go see him some Saturday. Anyway, he's met the new neighbors, and their old church is far enough away that they might be coming to Bethel.

More testimony - a woman had some physical therapy for her back rescheduled to get it done sooner, is feeling much better, and talked to the doctor about God. A visitor from another church who witnessed at the state fair says that nine souls got saved.

They sing I'm in the Lord's Army, then When We See Christ.

Then Gary and his towel-wrapped Bible come up.

More later.

[thoughtful]

10 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Quote

But, of course, the Baptist hangover is better than that other kind of hangover. When Gary goes to bed, he knows who he's "goin' to bed with, amen. And if she's thar when ah wake up, ah know who ah'll wake up with amen."

The low bar again huh, It's never occurred to me to brag  about being able to facially recognize the people I sleep with because I didn't realize it was supposed to be hard.

I'm sure Gary thinks it's difficult for people who drink. He may be imagining that, or he may have gotten drunk enough in his past to be the kind of guy who had no idea who he hopped into bed with.

 

10 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

Well duh, it's the same difference as separating and separing.

Absolutely. Or is that Absolely?

I keep picturing David Haskell singing "Pre-preparate ye the way of the Lord."

Spoiler

 

 

7 hours ago, Alisamer said:

I wonder if he thinks live theater is just as bad as "I Love Lucy" on the television?

Much worse, probably.

7 hours ago, postscript said:

If I were sitting in church listening to Gary, “Preparating” as part of the title of his message would be enough to cause me to lose all respect for him. I have no problem with folksy idiom in a presentation. I’ve had professors who used their specific speech quirks to great advantage.

Yes, and I saw and heard no sign that Gary was making up a word on purpose, or joking about his own speech patterns (which he does, sometimes). I think he really thinks it's a "fancy" way of saying  - well, something like preparing, I guess.

7 hours ago, postscript said:

He loves his gory descriptions, to the extent they should come with a trigger warning.

I almost put some of that under a spoiler with a warning - I will in future, if he gets that disgusting again.

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

I'm sure Gary thinks it's difficult for people who drink. He may be imagining that, or he may have gotten drunk enough in his past to be the kind of guy who had no idea who he hopped into bed with.

At my age, you simply can't wake up in Vegas married to a stranger every night.

[postscript]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 

I almost put some of that under a spoiler with a warning - I will in future, if he gets that disgusting again.

Thanks! I often read FJ during meals. I’ve learned not to check the Naugler board while I’m eating. Recently, Bro Gary has also been hard on the stomach. However, is so ridiculous he is always good for a laugh. 

[Xan]

Gary thinks he's funny.  (Honestly, if there was an entity who claimed to be the devil, I think he'd just love Gary.)

The only funny thing is Andy's spelling.  Now I want to start using "gloray" myself.

[Alisamer]

Gloray hallilooo! 

I also think the devil would love Gary. He's the sort who makes people want to distance themselves from Christianity. 

[Ozlsn]

On 9/14/2021 at 3:44 AM, Jasmar said:

Jill rod begs to differ

I laughed out loud and them my brain went into a Rodrigues Family Singers At Calvary crossover and now I can't stop cringe-laughing. 

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He's ready to go, and mocks "the average church" by saying they'd probably never know the Rapture had come until they heard it on the news. A lot of people you think are Christians will compromise and fail.

Wild Christian Conspiracy Theory: covid-19 is the Rapture. I mean - look who's dying in droves right now, it's obviously targeting (unvaccinated)(self-identifying) Righteous Christians! And others of course, but I've never noticed a Christian Conspiracy Theory to be aware of anyone outside their bubble, so why start now?

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

That prompts Pastor Chris to talk about his old neighbors, and the ones that replaced them: "These houses had some, some uh, some signs up about the uh - the presidential candidate that lost, and some derogatory signs - flags hanging out, so, I think those folks have moved out."

We hear Gary laughing loudly.

Chris goes on to say something about a guy up the road who has a big flag with negative things on it about the current president, and how he thinks he should go see him some Saturday. Anyway, he's met the new neighbors, and their old church is far enough away that they might be coming to Bethel.

Way to separate church and state there. Also guessing he was equally as friendly with both sets of neighbours there to show Christ's love, right?

 

[thoughtful]

The video from 9/9, at Bethel in King Ferry, where the piano gets a hug every day, continues with Gary reminding all that the end is coming, he thinks they don't have enough church, like people did in the old days, etc. - the usual.

He does his thank yous (not sure why, since this isn't the last night - again, maybe visitors were leaving that night), including thanking them for coming, saying "ya coulda been watchin' Ah Love Lucy, amen."

And he reminds them that he has a special message for Friday night, "not becawoosa me - becawoosa th'Lord." He reminds them that he was going to preach it last Sunday, but the Lord changed his mind.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+17%3A1-10&version=KJV

"Extablished" for established, and lots of small changes, but not too bad, for Gary.

Gary sounds hoarse, but still ramps himself up to yelling for no reason.

"Now here it is that the tahm that - an' an' God, God's been tellin' Abraham here it is, now he is nahny-nahn years old, Sarah is nahny years old, and He has promised them a chahld. Now y'know, that, He promised them a chahld way back, but they - uh, Sarah took it upon herself an' Abraham took it upon hisself to obey Sarah an' slept with his maiden an' then had a chahld, an' now we see where we at in a mess today, amen. Disobedience makes us (or mixes, I can't tell) in a big messss."

The child was Ishmael, and I assume that, in Gary's mind, the "mess" is the existence of Islam.

Gary yells some more about God promising Abraham a son, with an aside about driving to "Saracuse and meetin' up with Brother Don" (Gary, not God or Abraham), and says he "got to thinkin' about the promises of God. God keeps his promise, amen? He's never ever ever one tahm - ever broke any promise he's kept."

Well, that's true of all of us Gary, because, you see, if anyone keeps a - oh, never mind.

"Mah wahf's still a little ways from bein' nahny years old - sometimes she acts lahk she is, amen."

He goes on to say that, if his wife was 90, and came to him and said she was expecting, "Ah'd say 'Who's it - who's does it belong to, amen."

Um, Gary . . . oh, never mind.

God promises to bless us when we do right, but also to correct us if we do wrong. Gary is just a sinner saved by grace. Some preachers tell him he shouldn't say that, "'cause you a saint, not a sinner. Ah unnerstan' that, but mah outsahds is not a saint amen."

"See, they wanna say that we have polluted the earth, or maybe God has polluted the earth, or or or God has - or the sah-entists has poufed this into existencccce."

No, Gary, there is no "they" saying either of the latter two. Did you have a point?

And he does his usual bit about having seen enough of the US to know that scientists "could not do as good as God is." This gets words of assent from the congregation. Gary then says that everything was "poufed" into existence, when God made it happen.

And I have no idea what got him on that tangent. But he gets back to God's promises. Among the blahblahblah that follows, we hear that Becky woke up at 5:00 AM (and of course he comments that she almost "beat Chris" by doing so, as if waking up early is some sort of competition). She had a migraine, and had to stay in bed all day. Of course she came to church, though.

"Still isn't feelin' too good, she asked me t'be a little bit quiet, so ah'm not gonna be quite as loud tonaht, amen. Ah don't know if that's even possible amen, but uh, the promises of the Lord Jesus Christ He will promise you look in Proverbs chapter 28 real quick-lahk.

More later.

[Joyster]

49 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

And I have no idea what got him on that tangent. But he gets back to God's promises. Among the blahblahblah that follows, we hear that Becky woke up at 5:00 AM (and of course he comments that she almost "beat Chris" by doing so, as if waking up early is some sort of competition). She had a migraine, and had to stay in bed all day. Of course she came to church, though.

I don't wish migraines on anyone, but I hope Becky just has a migraine.  The Hawkins have been really lucky with their health so far.  I know the blood of Jesus is protecting them, but there is a limit to the amount of stupidity it can protect.

Edited September 15, 2021 by Joyster
added detail

[Ozlsn]

1 hour ago, Joyster said:

I don't wish migraines on anyone, but I hope Becky just has a migraine.  The Hawkins have been really lucky with their health so far.  I know the blood of Jesus is protecting them, but there is a limit to the amount of stupidity it can protect.

Yes, especially if she got up and came to church - much rather it was non-infectious!

[Xan]

Gary wants us to know that we are all going to die.

Thanks, Captain Obvious!

[thoughtful]

Becky has a history of migraines, for what that's worth, when we wonder whether the Hawkinses are a danger to others or not. Well, we know they're a danger to others - philosophically, financially and on the road - but I meant whether or not they are spreading disease.

Returning to the 9/9 message at Bethel, where Jesus is revered, but only the piano is on a pedestal.

Gary reads part of Proverbs 28:20: A faithful man shall abound with blessings

Gary goes right to listing his most beloved blessing - his F150 truck  - he asks them to pray for getting it back on the road, and tells them the whole story of the conversion van (which he said his cousin sold to him, he also says "the Indians" helped him fix it), all the way through to the current van (from "these Indians") and the trailer (and he makes sure to tell them how he told "the Indians" that he didn't dare leave any of his stuff with them).

That's right - Gary's great blessing is not his grandchild, his children, his wife, or even all of the food and lodging he thinks God gave him - vehicles. And, they all came from God.

We can hear rain outside the church, which gets louder and louder. Gary screams some more about God blessing the faithful, including bringing back his father's claim that he could go into a bank when he was young, and get a loan with "no collateral, no tahtle for a vehicle, no landmarks."  Gary has learned to say collateral - that's something.

Now, nobody trusts anybody, and Gary's not even sure the banks have any money any more, because the government's got all of it amen. The banks will go broke, the government will go broke, but God ain't gonna go broke.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+7%3A7-8&version=KJV

Gary misreads the very familiar first verse of this:

KJV: Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
BGV: Ask, and it shall be given. Seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be added unto you.

Gary rasps loudly about staying in your prayer closet, and women who used to put out their husband's best clothes every Sunday in the hopes the men would come to church someday.

A baby starts to cry, and continues off and on for a while.

Gary screams about how he got rebuked on Facebook "a couple months ago" for suggesting that people need to use the altars. "That's nothin' unusual for me amen - ah likes consoversy pretty good."

"If ah'm not mistaken, it was D. L. Moody that was walkin' across the street," and he tells the story of needing to stop in the middle of a Chicago street to pray away a bad thought.

I thought it was Spurgeon and it was London, but I could be wrong - google didn't help.

"Our country has lit'rilly gohn stupid."

"It ain't just New York - it's the whole single world!"

He whines about the guy who was invited to pray at a revival, and did 15 minutes of preaching, when there was someone waiting to preach.

The devil is always trying to attack - at the VBS in Groton, the devil made the fuel pump go out.

Pray, pray, pray.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A1&version=KJV

Another promise - God's in control.

The new governor of NY thinks she's in control, but God prevented Obama from doing a lot of things, and He'll prevent her, and Biden (who, according to Gary is destroying our country, giving us away and selling us out), from doing things.

"Ahzayah says that even the governor is ohn His shouldersssssss."

Noah built the ark because "God said 'Ah'm sicka this mess, ah'm tahred of it, ah wanna kill everybody' hey an' He did! An' He's gonna do it agin."

He shrieks his disdain for psychiatrists - well, he still doesn't know the word, but the mention of the couch tips me off.

While yelling about not worrying about making a living, he brings up the church that he claimed wanted him to be their pastor. This time he says Becky thought he should consider pastoring a church, for security. But Gary said they'd be in the same situation whether pastoring or evangelizing, if the government started shutting down churches. "Ah don't know if she's still frettin' about it, she ain't told me nothing about it."

Would it make any difference if she said anything, Gary?

Gary says he can talk about Joe Bahden, and his son can even do an impression of him. He mocks Biden's stutter, and claims he never knows what he's saying. But Gary's "not worried about Joe Bahden, other than he needs to be saved."

Gary won't be your enemy or "talk bad about you" if you want to "go along with the system, an' take the vaccine." "Ah'll think you a little bit strange, but that's OK, most people think ah'm strange, amen."

"But if ah don't take the shot, don't talk bad about me. Because wha?" And he goes on to proudly tell them how he never "takes" any vaccines. His body belongs to God, and he wants to obey God with it.

Where in the Bible does it say not to use preventive medicine, Gary?

After some more screaming, and one of many iterations of "Am ah makin' sense tonaht?" he says "Look in verses 16. Ah mean chapter 16 - chapter 14, verse 16."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A16&version=KJV

The comforter stuff follows. He talks about people in nursing homes who want company, and how he went with a pastor to visit someone in one (couldn't wiggle out of that one, eh, Gary?). He goes on about this poor woman and how nobody comes to visit her.

Hey, Gary, you have parents, and your mother has been chronically ill for a long time. You never even mention her, let alone visit.

He screams for a while about how sometimes, no matter how much your loved ones love you, you need The Comforter.

As much as I hate to give Mike Lindell ideas for merchandise, I think he's missing an opportunity. He sells Bible story pillowcases, after all.

Spoiler

or perhaps:

Spoiler

While telling us that Daniel only had The Comforter in the lions' den, Gary gives away a bit about his childhood TV watching - right in rhythm, he says something about "Lions or tahgers or bears, amen."

Spoiler

 

Gary tries to describe the "footprints" image, which he says was a sign, and that he didn't really care for it at first. It took me a few listens to make sure he was calling it "a little poem thing or whatever," and not "a little porn thing."

He says "It was four - it was two sets of footprintssss. An' after a little whahl you get to seein' that there was only one set of footprint. Ya say 'Wha?' Because you couldn't  make it, God hadta comfort you and touch you."

Hey, other than not knowing the difference between a sign and a poster, and missing the whole point (the verb you were looking for was "carry," Gary - "tote" would have worked, if you wanted to be all country boy about it - and you missed the part about the person thinking that Jesus had deserted them), he did a fine job!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians+3%3A13-14&version=KJV

KJV: Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before,
BGV: Brethren, I count not myself to have opry-hended: but this one thing I do forget things  - forget those things which're behind, and reach forth unto those things which are before you

I believe "opry-hending is what you do to get an autograph from a country singer.

Gary blathers about serving. Gary claims that when God called him, he argued with Him. I guess God showed him how he could never have to work a day in his life, or be responsible for a house, again.

If God can use Brother Mike in a wheelchair, or Moses with his stutter, or Gary, he can use you.

More later - this is a long one!

Edited September 16, 2021 by thoughtful
proofreading missed some things

[Xan]

That was perfect, @thoughtful!  And I'm loving the Jesus comforter and the Shroud of Turin blanket.  That's one way to scare off house guests.

[postscript]

That Shroud of Turin blanket and pillow set looks like Jesus decided to lay down for a snooze. I don’t think I could sleep in that after seeing his head peering up from the pillows. 

[EyesOpen]

Anyone ask Gary if he’s been to a feed store lately for some horse dewormer? God’s body doesn’t want a vaccine but farm animal medicine is great 🙄 and please don’t tell my family this is the rapture. they’ll go out and purposefully try and get it. They’ll be having rapture / covid parties. They love Jesus and conspiracies lots and lots. They don’t like to ACT like Jesus. They only like the white christian nationalism version.
Jesus weeps.

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

 

Gary tries to describe the "footprints" image, which he says was a sign, and that he didn't really care for it at first. It took me a few listens to make sure he was calling it "a little poem thing or whatever," and not "a little porn thing."

He says "It was four - it was two sets of footprintssss. An' after a little whahl you get to seein' that there was only one set of footprint. Ya say 'Wha?' Because you couldn't  make it, God hadta comfort you and touch you."

Hey, other than not knowing the difference between a sign and a poster, and missing the whole point (the verb you were looking for was "carry," Gary - "tote" would have worked, if you wanted to be all country boy about it - and you missed the part about the person thinking that Jesus had deserted them), he did a fine job!

 

MOO it is totally in character that Gary is concerned about these posters. It makes perfect sense that this story would bother him and if you ask Gary it might as well be porn. Just LOOK at this... 

Spoiler

1. carrying an adult invariably involves some indelicate bodily contact

2. Jesus hangs out on the BEACH and his feet are NAKED. What else is he wearing?

 

[smittykins]

On 9/14/2021 at 8:01 PM, thoughtful said:

Gary yells some more about God promising Abraham a son, with an aside about driving to "Saracuse and meetin' up with Brother Don"

Please, Bro, for the love of everything holy, stay away from “Saracuse.”

[thoughtful]

12 hours ago, EyesOpen said:

Anyone ask Gary if he’s been to a feed store lately for some horse dewormer? God’s body doesn’t want a vaccine but farm animal medicine is great

I am curious where Becky (former nurse) and Gary (former and current idiot) stand on the Ivermectin and Betadine issue.

He did recently say that Becky's got him on some sort of vitamin regimen, and seemed to think it was to prevent Covid. It may be something perfectly normal, just trying to get him healthier, and it may be woo-filled and semi-poisonous.

9 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

. Jesus hangs out on the BEACH and his feet are NAKED. What else is he wearing?

I'm sure Gary imagines Him in a suit and tie, carrying a similarly-dressed governor on his shoulder.

OK, I am going to finish the 9/9 message from Bethel, or it is going to finish me! Circle the wagons around the piano, folks!

Gary asks them to look in "1 Thessalonians real quick-lahk." While reminding them again that the Rapture is coming soon, he forgets to give a chapter, and just says "Look in verses 13."

I figure it out by doing a google search, on my evil electronic device, of Gary's first words. They are (there goes another irony meter!): "I would not have you be ignorant, brethren."

Which, BTW, is wrong, but google figured out that it was chapter 4.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Thessalonians+4%3A13-18&version=KJV

He screws up some of it, and it sounds to me like he says "ascends" instead of descends. He's in rushed, list-reading mode.

He screams lots of stuff we've all heard before, about being saved because nobody knows when the end will be. He does a long, mindless scream-riff about looking forward to things after death, including "gittin' rid of Arthur."

Gary, I know that you mean "Arthur Ritus," as you call your aches and pains, but I doubt any of these people do.

"Look in Hebrews chapter 13, real quick-lahk."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+13%3A5&version=KJV

KJV: Let your conversation be without covetousness
BGV: Let your conversation be without covetnesssss

Gary's "not boastin' on it, not braggin' on it," bur he's had "backslidden dayssss." God has never forsaken him, though.

Gary quotes Acts 15:31, leaving out some: Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved.

Gary;s winding down, so we get quiet sing-song. God will "make old things pass away, and make you Hissssssssss." I have never heard such a long hiss from him.

If you're not saved, today would be a good day to get that settled.

Then I think he suddenly realizes that he didn't say what he wanted after the reading from Hebrews. And, demolishing another irony meter, Gary goes on about people who aren't satisfied with what they have, and want more ( 🙋‍♀️ would that include someone who has been given a van, and only wants lots of money to resurrect a dead truck?).

"Most people t'day, when they got fahve dollars an hour they want tin dollars an hour. When they got tin dollars an hour they want fifteen dollars an hour. Listen, it is never enough. Jesus is enough. He's enough to take keer of every thing . . in this world . . . amen. Be contint w'Jesus."

He really is like a child who doesn't know what anything costs. He has no idea what a living wage needs to be for people who pay for the roof over their heads or their food and clothing, let alone feeding kids and educating them well.

He rambles for a while about how only church-going friends are real friends, reminds them that God will do what He said he'd do, and mumbles a prayer.

They sing a hymn, the pastor jokes that one of the visitor's churches will go in the Rapture before they do, since "the dead in Christ shall rise first."

Big laughs, especially from Gary, who loves a mean and nasty joke.

They sing another hymn, and someone mumbles a prayer.

[thoughtful]

OK, folks - one more service in Bethel, where they follow the yellow brick road to Eternity (hey, I ran out of encircled piano lines), before I follow Gary (figuratively speaking) to Altoona and Everett PA.

The 10/10 video starts with Becky singing Preach On. Don't look at the mural, Becky - it will make your migraine come back!

Spoiler

Almost every night, Gary's been commenting that the preacher said he "beat them up," and he repeats this crap again, cheerfully, then mumbles something about Brother Carpenter, who, it seems, is not going to live much longer. Or, as the captions (yes, they're back!) would have it:

Spoiler

One sign of Gary's childishness is his inability to think about death - really think about death, without bravado and bullshit, even though he's always screaming about it and how he looks forward to it.

He is babyishly superstitious about funeral homes and cemeteries, and always sounds like he's thinking "Ewww, ewww, ewwweeee ewwww! Am I finished saying this yet? Ick!" when he asks for prayers for someone who is near death.

After mumbled requests for prayers, he yells "Death ain't easy!" Then he goes back to mumbling uncomfortably while he looks at his steno pad, "Ah been, ah been seein' a lotta things, and so . . . death is not easy, but, uh, that's the way it is, so . . . but uh . . . gimme just a minute, ah have wrote somethin' down where ah shouldn't have . . . again, amen."

And he flings the steno book with a demand for Becky to find what he wants:

Spoiler

We hear it hit the floor (I think) with a slap. A man makes a noise that may be chuckling, and may be astonishment.

Gary knows it's Isaiah 14, anyway. He turns pages while he runs through his thank-you speech, reminding them that Brother LiGreci started it, last year. Brother Chris, or possibly his car, is carrying on the things, and the things are  doing good:

Spoiler

Gary reminds them that this is his message on the devil, that he was planning for the previous Sunday, before God took him in a different direction.

He actually says "thank you" when his steno book is returned. It's not Becky or Jacob bringing it - maybe that's why.

Gary goes on for a while about hating the devil, tells them that if they can tell him anything he preached that week that was not biblical he'll apologize for it, then gets petulant (of course) about how he won't apologize for God's word.

Hey, maybe he thinks "preparate" is one of God's words!

Gary wants to be like "an old man of God. Lester Roloff, no doubt, had God all over him."

He warns them that he's going to mention some preachers "that 's prob'ly gonna harelip y'all. The captions have no clue, and have it as "that's probably going to hear it, y'all."

During his usual claim that old-time preachers could agree to disagree, but today's preachers say you have to "dot your i's and cross your t's just like I do," the captioning has some issues:

Spoiler

OK, that one's all on you, captioning! For once, Gary actually could be understood.

The captions think Gary's HAYMUN! is "Hey, Mike."

"Ah put ohn Facebook an' you unnerstan' what ah'm sayin', if you listen, if you lookit the contexta what th'thing was sayin', but we got a buncha idiots in our Independent Baptist churches, AMEN ah don' have a problem usin' th'word idiot - in our Independent Baptist churches, an' they're steoopid. An' all ah put ohn there was is the phone is notchur Bahble - this is."

He holds up his Bible.

"An' ah was crucifahd."

Oh, this time the captions had "Hey, man" for Gary's HAYMUN - closer!

He goes on to say "If you wanna use your phone, help yourself! But it's still not a Bahble" - this in the same petulant tone he uses to tell people that, if they want to consider Biden their president, they're welcome to him.

He mumbles about how people can't "think for theirselves anymore," then "Isaiah chapter 14 Isaac fin' me a bottleuh water."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=isaiah+14%3A12-17&version=KJV

A bottle of water flies through the air, and Gary catches it.

The devil was the song leader, but decided he wanted something else. Gary tells them they should stay where they are unless God gives them something else to do.

The devil's got power, but God's got all the power.

Math is not Gary's strong suit.

"What's goin' on in our country raht now is called to the part of what the devil did, amen?"

The captions still don't know what to do with Gary's random "in the part" and "to the part" interjections. It sounds like the devil has gone to law school.

Spoiler

In the middle of yelling about how the devil lied to Eve, Gary swings, without warning or segue, back to the subject of people who "mess with" the KJV, raging about their "foolish, stupid questions."

And, back to the devil - "with the help of the Lord, ah'm gohna preach ohn Wha We Shouldn't Listen to the Devil. Wha We Shouldn't Listen to the Devil."

Lots of old familiar crap follows.

Gary says we should never say "the devil made me do it." Aw, c'mon Gary - not even if we say it like Flip Wilson as Geraldine?

He yells about false prophets, like Joel Osteen who's going to fry in Hell like sausage, because he's "never been borned agin."

He disdains Osteen's prosperity gospel, then explains that, while he believes that God is rich, "God don't always give me money, God al- sometahm gives me somebody t'take me out for a restaurant, somebody t'bah me a grocery meal, or somebody t'do somethin' lahk that. God is not a prosperous God whenever it comes t'money sometahms amen?"

So, because God only gives Gary small, non-cash gifts, his beliefs are nothing like Osteen's? Well, at least we finally know the source of Gary's insistence that, although he goes on and on about God rewarding the faithful with food and trucks, etc. he claims not to believe in prosperity gospel.

Apparently, there's a cap, and non-monetary gifts are OK.

Who knew it was that simple?

Gary tells them Benny Hinn knocks people out because "he ain't brushed his teeth in about three months. Huh?"

I've been wondering if there was another mural on the other side of the church, and there is! The Pivo decides to swing over there. This is the best image I could get:

Spoiler

Looks like a similar image of buildings and a paved road (with good intentions, I figure, if this painting is supposed to be the way to Hell), but in different colors.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+3%3A6&version=KJV

The devil will make you make bad decisions (wait - I thought the devil couldn't make you do anything), and he's a good artist. Gary does his bit about beer billboards: "The devil does never put a fat woman on there, with a Mmmmmmmm" (that last is just one of Gary's animal growls), with these faces:

Spoiler

No, it's always some skinny, pretty, NEKKID woman on there.

Gary knows of 16-17 people that have gotten saved since the beginning of August (he makes sure they know he's not taking credit, he just happened to be at the meetings where it happened), and the devil is mad about that.

He gets back to liquor, and has the balls to scream about how people spend all their money on it and then have no money to buy groceries and feed their children. Oh, and of course, the hangover, which comes out "yer hangin' yer guts out over the commode" this time.

Again, people who drink don't know who they're sleeping with, the only real friends are those who invite you to church.  Gary, I'm so glad you saved this very special message for the last night, because it's so original! /s

Gary's asked if everybody's all right, and if he's making sense, a few times. Now he just outright says he thought there would be more shouting about condemning the devil. "Surely t'God you ain't on his sahd, amen."

Gary says the devil wants the young people, how he's glad the only temptations he faced were weed and beer, and tells his story of not feeling anything when he tried marijuana.

After telling us that wine is a mocker (the captions have a bit of a problem with his pronunciation) Gary put on his stupid people voice, and quotes them as saying "But Jesus made wine."

Spoiler

He mocks some more, and says how they just better go read their Bible, because, he shrieks: IT WAS GRAPE JUICE!"

That was funny enough to hear, but the caption, which was a bit delayed, was even better. It wasn't grape juice, it:

Spoiler

Gary rants for a while about somebody he knows (but won't name!) who thinks it's OK to "take a little wine, for tha stomach's sake. Ah don't."

But Gary, that's one of the things that Timothy told Paul - I mean, Paul told Timothy!

When Gary's daddy gets sick, "he won't even drink Nyquil, 'cause it's got liquor in it."

Gary doesn't know how people share "it" (he'd just mimed puffing on a joint) today, since you can't share things due to Covid.

Gary gets back to Eden, and says that Adam and Eve realized they were "nekkid," and had to "go get fig leaves." The captions are still lost in a haze of marijuana smoke, it seems:

Spoiler

Gary rattles off one of his "'S'ever'body alraht? 'Bout three of ya amen" bits, and the captions seem to have further insight.

Spoiler

Go to Job, chapter one, real quick-like.

I think I'll go to Job tomorrow, Gary.

Edited September 17, 2021 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

Continuing the 9/10 service at Bethel in King Ferry (or Kings Fairy, if you prefer). Gary reads, with many errors, from Job. He can't seem to get the one thing that repeats over and over correct, among other problems. Why he skips verses 18-19, I don't know - I guess Job's children all dying is not important to his message.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job+1%3A14-16&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job+1%3A20&version=KJV

KJV: and I only am escaped alone to tell thee.
BGV (attempt #1): and I am only excaped to tell thee.
BGV (attempt #2): and I am only excaped  only to tell thee.
BGV (attempt #3): and I am only excaped to tell thee.

KJV: The fire of God is fallen from heaven,
BGV: The fire of God has fell upon the heavens,

"You know what the devil's gonna tell you? 'N' ah'm gonna tell you raht now, ah - thank God, ah got seven children . . . ah'm not goin' to no funeral today, thank God. Job buried fahve - tin  at one tahm."

Which makes his skipping the verses about Job losing his children even less logical. Ah, the mystery of Gary's mind.

After his oft-repeated blurt about not being able to remember if he's told this story in this church before, but it doesn't matter because "most of ya don't know what ah say anyway amen," he tells the story about his cousin who dropped dead at the kitchen table while making out a grocery list, how God made it happen to get her drunken father into church, and how her three children then died.

"Ah'm gonna tellya raht now, you better be very, very keerful when you talkin' about somebody that's in a death chute."

Well, that's what it sounded like - death chute? Death shoe? The captions were no help  they just skipped the second word (the "right" was a man in the congregation):

Spoiler

I have no idea what "that video" is - it sounds like Gary watched an old home movie of his cousin's family, but it's not clear.

"Ah'm not gonna say that you shouldn't grieve, because ah'm probably sure that Job and his wahf probably grieved."

Probably.

Gary yells about something he and Becky have been "goin' through for five-six years," Becky even longer, and how it still hurts, even though she has stuck by Gary, and enjoys church.

I figure he's talking about the custody issues with her children. For anyone new to the Bro Gary threads:

Spoiler

Both Becky and Gary are divorced from previous spouses. Becky has four children - I think, at this point, two of them are still minors, but I could be wrong about the math.

Gary has three children (I think - there is a younger child who has the last name Hawkins, who is with his mother, but we don't know if Gary is the biological father of that child).

I don't know the exact timing of the breakups of either marriage - someone else may know more.

Gary's three children and Becky's four were with them on the road for a while. I think the oldest was old enough to make her own choice to stop traveling with them eventually, so I think she wasn't part of the custody battle.

Becky lost custody of the other three, to her ex-husband, who is married to a man, and lives in West Virginia. Visitation seems limited, and never includes Gary. 

All or some of this may be because of Gary's nomadic lifestyle and general nuttiness, or a conviction for indecent liberties with a minor, when he was 18-19.

I think some of the people in the churches they visit know the whole history, but Gary never mentions their divorces in messages - in fact, he condemns divorce and shrieks about how hard it is on the kids.

 Gary always refers to all seven children as his. In some blended families that might seem like a lovely gesture, if the kids were OK with it, but, from Gary, it has always struck me as a way to cover up the whole history.

Gary burbles on about death and dying and how everybody has a time to die but nobody knows when it is, with an aside about how he and his brother in law argue about some detail of this all the time (he doesn't tell us what).

Brother Carpenter is only 62, and Gary doesn't understand why he has to die, but we can still worship God.

After a long babble about how the devil will try to prevent you from going to church, Gary tells them about his upcoming itinerary, to show how busy he is, and that, no matter how much he plans (but he's not complaining!), the devil will tell him that nobody will show up.

The devil says there's no point in going to church to have a good time (Gary always insists that church is fun), and tells them he's had a ball all week, beating them up.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+3%3A15&version=KJV

This includes the list of instruments that Nebuchadnezzar's band will play to initiate worship of the idol. Gary has his usual issues with the list, and the captioning has even more.

KJV: flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, and dulcimer
BGV: the flute, the harp, the sackb't, the psalmistries, and the dulcers
CCV:

Spoiler

Familiar shit about not quitting follows. He tells the story of Gary Lutrick's illness (not "the Covid," a previous one), and how he was in a coma. Or possibly with a comb.

Spoiler

Gary shrieks about how the devil taunted him, asking "Where's your God at now?" Which makes me think of Billy Crystal's take on Edward G Robinson playing Dathan in The Ten Commandments.

He does a weird quiet thing, misquoting the song Will the Circle Be Unbroken, saying "Will the family circle be unbroken . . . bah an' bah . . .  bah an' bah . . . " then silently tapping imaginary things for a while. I think he's trying to look and sound deep, as he reaches further and further over:

Spoiler

Apparently, there's one of whatever he's tapping on the other side.

Then back to the original side:

He says "we cain't git our ahs on preachers," then asks how many preachers they have there. He counts five, not including himself, and does some more yelling about not quitting when the devil tells you to, and does his routine about the people who are watching you and watching the parking lot, and will say "Ah toldju it wa'n't nuthin'."

"Listen, it don't matter what ah say, Chris has got somethin' to say. Ah told his wahf last naht, ah said 'You keep ohn hangin' 'round here you ain't fine no friends. Ah found out ____ (mumble) ah been aroun' here long enough, ah got frenemies in here amen."

And back to "don't gitcher ahs ohn the preacher." Brother LiGreci has been replaced by Brother Chris, who the captions think may be a secret Catholic:

Spoiler

"Lemme move ohn, ah gotta hurry up."

If only.

More later.

Edited September 17, 2021 by thoughtful
punctuation

[Xan]

@thoughtful -- The closed captioning and your comments about it are hilarious.  

I'm puzzled by the yellow brick road and the paved road.  I thought were were supposed to go through a tunnel and into the light.  I had no idea there were highways to heaven (well, apart from that television show).  Maybe it's like that scene in Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life".  Maybe we'll have to get into our cars and follow the Grim Reaper.

Edited September 17, 2021 by Xan

[clese]

Wait!!!! What??? Not only did Becky lose custody to her children BUT her husband is gay??

Imagine gary trying to get his head around that one!! It must just about spin off sometimes!

On the other hand bet her kids are being cared for  a million times better now..

[forgetmenow]

To me, the mural looks like the very utilitarian apartment blocks of the Soviet era with the Chernobyl disaster in the background.

[Dana723]

3 hours ago, Xan said:

@thoughtful -- The closed captioning and your comments about it are hilarious.  

Between the two of them, they just about kill me!  😂

[MayMay1123]

4 hours ago, Xan said:

@thoughtful

I'm puzzled by the yellow brick road and the paved road.  I thought were were supposed to go through a tunnel and into the light.  I had no idea there were highways to heaven (well, apart from that television show).  Maybe it's like that scene in Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life".  Maybe we'll have to get into our cars and follow the Grim Reaper.

I thought it was a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell 🤷‍♀️