Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

[thoughtful]

I forgot to mention - while Gary was struggling so hard to get more response at the church of Trump's piano, there wasn't silence. There were a few men yelling assent to him throughout the service. It just wasn't enough for him.

I don't think these posts from Gary have been brought over to FJ yet - I apologize if I'm being redundant (unlike Gary, who revels in being repetitive!).

Spoiler

Does Becky know Gary has a lady in Monroe Maine?

Spoiler

On the evening of Sunday, 9/12, Gary was back in Lighthouse Baptist Church in Altoona PA, where the decor is less offensive than in Everett, but definitely more Jillesque.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+51&version=KJV

He does fairly well reading this, for Gary. Just the usual carelessness, and this:

KJV: For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it
BGV: For thou desireth not sacrifice; evil would I give it

Gary wants to review some of the verses before making his point. He quotes verse 8, then says (the ellipses represent substantial silences), "An' then ya go down an' look in verses . . . uhhhh . . . gimme jus' a second here, ah'll figger it out . . . uhhhh, the joy of mah salvation, Becky where's it at? Give me the joy of mah salvation . . . "
Jacob: "Twelve."
Gary: "Twelve. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation. Ananan ah'm sure ah'm sure ah'm not gonna say anything new, amen, but uhhh the word joy - you lookit the word joy it's wha-O-U. What that means is -"
Becky (sounding amused): "J-O-Y."
Gary: "J-O-wha. What did ah say?"
Becky: "Y-O-U"
Gary: "Y-O-U amen. Well, joy spells Jesus first, others - an' then us. Jesus, others, then us.

Well, no, Gary - that would be jou.

"Ah was talk - well, ah was prob'ly arguin' more lahk because people just don't know a whole lot anymore you think people would know this thing, but it ended up he was not a Baptist, ah don't even think, but he put ohn Facebook if they're gonna be mah friends an' they're gonna be steoopid enough t'put steoopid stuff ohn there, ah'm gonna be smart enough t'remark ohn it. An' he was talkin' about like losin' yer salvation an' all this kinda stuff an', they tell ya those verses where it says ya fall away that don't mean lose yer salvation amen, or they take that verse where it says uh uh uh you, y'know, like Peter, what did Peter do? He denahd God. So, most people - mosta that crowd t'day would b'lieve that Peter lost his salvation."

The captions have trouble with Baptist again:

Spoiler

Calls of "Right!"

Gary thinks things like that are worth arguin' over.

Gary, you think that everything is worth arguing over.

And he immediately goes in to standing up for "our religious rahts." You need to put on the whole armor of God. Today's version of David and Goliath is that "the giant" called David "a peon," and David said "You come with swords and staves an' you got all the army stuff."

Well, he got the sword this time. The captions were confused by staves, though:

Spoiler

And Goliath did say to David, ye shall do my laundry, peon!

After saying that God promises we'll even have peace with our enemies, Gary goes on about his many enemies, and how another "nut" found him that morning. They just keep falling off of the trees, if he knew where the nuts were going to be, he'd avoid that place, they've got more than one screw loose, "he said 'Ah'm in mah raht mahnd,' he just didn't know which one it was in amen."

Gary chuckles heartily at his own wit. I'm sure he thinks he's just basking in the approval of Jesus.

He gets back to how to find joy. Most people are depressed because they're "goin' to them crazy people, an' layin' ohn that couch, an' tellin' 'em all their problems." As usual, Gary claims that his stories would make the psychiatrist (no, he still doesn't seem to know the word) commit suicide.

On to Matthew, chapter 6. More later.

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by thoughtful
I get no J-O-Y from riffles.

[Xan]

38 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

at the church of Trump's piano,

😄

This might be an odd comment but I have to say that I'm surprised that Gary mostly seems to sweat on his face.  He's always raising his arms and I'm half afraid that we'll see big underarm sweat stains but there's nothing there.  I don't think I've ever known anyone who sweats about the face and head as much as Gary does without also sweating under their arms.  Gary is a puzzlement.

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, mango_fandango said:

I’m tempted to do a  highlights post

I keep telling myself I should do a whole alphabetical list of Gary's Garyisms and Bible-reading errors.

Continuing the evening service in the Church of the Exploding Dollar Store Autumnal Aisle in Altoona, Gary reads from Matthew:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A33&version=KJV

Then he yells and karate-chops lots of old familiar stuff. He reads from 2 Corinthians:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+13%3A14&version=KJV

And he goes on about fellowshipping for a while, including, of course, meals he got for free. Sadly, the captioning seems to recognize the word fellowship, so we get no funny misinterpretations for the many, many times he says it.

Gary wants to fellowship with Jesus most of all. He lists people who have done things for him - fed and housed him, given him money and gifts, but none of them has ever done what Jesus has done for him.

"How 'bout thissssss? Go t'Matthew chapter 16."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+16%3A24&version=KJV

"Not only fellowship, how 'bout follerin' him?"

The captions have some trouble with this:

Spoiler

Gary and the captions try to tell the story of Jesus asking Peter to follow him. They both fail.

Spoiler

After using the expression "the grass is always greener on the other side," Gary brings up greens (er, I mean he starts talking about them - I don't know what he had for dinner), and how his grandmother's greens always grew best over the septic tank. The captions have never heard of creasy salad:

Spoiler

He babbles about the "swamp" that Trump was going to empty, then concludes that all politicians, Democrat and Republican, are "all filthy and dirty." "They're filthy rich because wha? They're follerin' after the things of the World, amen."

That inspires him to tell them about a preacher they know who got married last summer. He has a small house, and Gary claims he was told he had to get rid of all of his stuff because she was going to fill it with her stuff - "the house has now become the woman's house amen."

He does make the point, finally, of following after the things of God, rather than the things of this world. Which would be a lovely thought, if we didn't know that Gary only rejects the things of this world because he doesn't want to take care of them, with the possible exceptions of his truck and his phone. He gets fed, clothed and housed anyway, so it's easy for him to be self-righteous about it.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+15%3A1-3&version=KJV

Aha! Gary has found the verse to go with his bit about pruning fruit trees. And yet, he actually doesn't do that bit! He says:

"Sheep produce fruit."

Wait - what? 🐑 🍎 ?

Gary bought 15 watermelons when he was down south in July. And, because of all the rain they'd had, "5 or 6 of those watermelons went bad within just a matter of days." Too much rain produces bad fruit.

What that has to do with Christianity, he doesn't say. But he tells them to keep tracts in their pockets. The captions seem to have dog training on their mind:

Spoiler

 That leads to a story about tracts. I think.

"We was over to the ball game yesterday and there was a gah that came down to Bed - Bedford where y'all came and the bearded man if any of y'all remember helpin' us take the tent down an' he's over there passin' out now his information was wrong an' ah ah ah Jacob - ah don't know what Jacob did with it ah was gonna throw it in the trash - 'cause it's got somethin' besahdes King James verses on it. Ah got t'thinkin', ya know what? That gah's out there with some kinda book, spreadin' a watered-down gospel - we gotta be spreadin' the gospel."

More old stuff - Gary can't lose his salvation, but he could be set on the shelf, like Israel, which gets bombed because they turned their back on God. When Gary says "Ah don' wanna be set on the shilf," the captions say:

Spoiler

There is usually nothing there when the caption program can't understand something. All I can think is that it censors potentially offensive words, and **** represents "shit."

He mentions his desire to put pastors in all 50 states again. I'd be happy to say that, this time, he leaves out his plan to be their instructor, but, Gary being Gary, that could just be because he's expecting them to read his mind about that part.

He's ready to move on in spelling joy, from Jesus to other people.

You know what Douglas MacArthur said.

Edited September 21, 2021 by thoughtful
clumsy fingers

[thoughtful]

4 hours ago, Xan said:

I'm surprised that Gary mostly seems to sweat on his face.  He's always raising his arms and I'm half afraid that we'll see big underarm sweat stains but there's nothing there.  I don't think I've ever known anyone who sweats about the face and head as much as Gary does without also sweating under their arms.  Gary is a puzzlement.

Of course - it's Gary! He can't be average!

It is possible (thank you, Dr. Google). He also could be using armpit shields and/or a super-strong underarm antiperspirant.

Continuing the message from the evening of 9/12. We're up to the O in JOY, remember!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+5%3A16&version=KJV

Gary's version of caring for others is being the light, to show them  . . . something. I guess, how wonderful it is to be saved. And he goes on about that for a while.

https://www.facebook.com/ghawkins38/videos/1397229544007840

Gary talks about loving everybody. Of course, you don't have to like them - just love them, because that's a commandment. God still loves us when "we say things stupid."

"Hey, when they say sumpin' stupid, we just gotta love 'em. Whenever they uh, heheh uh You know wha - you say 'Well, what about that gah this mornin'?' Well, ah'm still trahin' to figure out what he wanted. Maybe Dustin can sit down with him and he can have a good conversation because ah'm a hillbilly an' ah don't unnerstand Yankees amen."

The captions think he said:

Spoiler

My interpretation is "Ah'm a lazy, conceited, argumentative shit, and don't want to have a kind, serious conversation with anyone."

I think I have more insight than the captions, this time.

He says (I think he's still talking about the man he thought was a nut) "He told me he loved me. Ah dunno how you can love somebody an' still find a lotta faults in him amen."

Gary, even if you said this at any other time, it would be bizarrely ridiculous. But may I refer you to what you just said barely thirty seconds ago?

And he's right back to saying he loves that guy, but he "don't know what his problem is."

Gary, make up your mind, if you still have one, about the love that Jesus tells you to have for people.

The man was not a Baptist - Gary thinks he might have been a charismatic. This time, the captions think "not a Baptist" is:

Spoiler

Hey, remember that movie - The Baptist Bears?

Gary says the man was "what we call a yoyo, an' he wen' around an' around an' around an' around." His arm makes big circles.

Spoiler

I doubt if Gary has ever touched a yoyo. I mean, they can go around, but that's not the basic movement of a yoyo.

Gary says the man just kept repeating himself, and (protect your irony meters), repeats the fact that he went around an' around an' around, then adds "Ah don't b'lieve in tongues."

Well, me either, on a first date. Had you just met this man, Gary?

But Gary's still gotta love him, and pray for him. He's going to ask Dustin what his name is, so he can pray for him.

I would bet that will be once, from a great distance, and with a sarcastic sneer. Then he'll probably go on Becky's prayer list.

Gary goes into his routine about how surprised he's been, for about the last year, that people have been nice when he goes doorknocking. He expects to get cussed out. But even when they tell him to shut up or leave their property, "ah still gotta love 'em."

He says "it's very easily" to love the people who are housing and feeding him, and who give him things. But it's harder to love your enemies. And he goes into a riff about how he's not some spiritual type with a halo - the usual.

Spoiler because I have to get serious.

Spoiler

The next thing Gary says sounds like someone who has read about him on a snark site has touched the poop. 

He says "that lady or man or whatever it is that called me on Friday night an' just told me how stupid I was, and left a voicemail of how how there's a website out there on Gary Hawkins and how that I am some her best comedy and she really enjoys watching  how stupid I am. It's not very easily for me to pray for her."

For once, I'm with you, Gary.

Well, enough about other people being stupid and offensive - let's get back to Gary being stupid and offensive. He says that, if he'd known that Biden was "down at flaht 93," by which he means the memorial near Shanksville, "ah'da strangled him in the name of God, amen."

Spoiler

Then he says he doesn't like Joe Biden because "he's destroyin' mah country, but ah gotta let 'im. You say wha? The bahble says so. Am ah makin' sense tonaht?"

He announces Mark, chapter two, drops his water bottle, and says "Praise the Lord."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark+2%3A15&version=KJV

To put others first, you need to befriend them.

Because who wouldn't want to be chummy with someone who wants to strangle the president?

Oh, goody, he's boasting about his love for "the Indians" again. Solemnly: "You know what? The Indians live in America, an' they're mah people. Amen." Suddenly loud: "They scalp people! Listen, hey ah even, which ah know ah'm good enough now, when they give me this van out here that they give me because of mah stupidity ohn mah truck an' hopefully the Lord's gonna innervene soon an' help me git that thing up an' goin' or whatever but uh uh uh ah had t'go out there an' ah had t'befriend those an' a befr - listen hey ah'm trahin' ah'm gon' trah t'befriend that gah down there at Bedford you say "wha?' He needs somebody t'befriend him so he kin  . . . git saved."

Oh, the captions don't think they gave Gary a van:

Spoiler

Looks like they beat Jesus (who, remember, the captions think is preparing a man in Heaven for Gary) to the punch.

On to Covid. Gary says "It's gotta be a God thing," that people either have it a month or two before he gets there, and are done with quarantine and ready to come to church, or get it after he leaves. He thanks God for that.

He tells them about Brother Carpenter dying. He also tells them his latest theory - it's the hospital and the ventilator that kills you.

"Listen, hey, if you're layin' there an' you're unconscious an' you're on a ven'ilator, guess what? You're not - your heart an' your breathe - you're not breathing on yer own. Yer breathing by a machine, amen? That's what you're doin' and whenever it's goin' through your body it's circulatin' hey an' ah don't know, ah'm not a doctor, ah kin ask mah wahf for more of those questions, an' she'd have more of an answer on those things, but when you got a ven'ilator hooked to you what it's doin' is - it is shutting your organs down."

Wow. I couldn't even find that idea among the conspiracy theories.

Some lady he was talking to "the other day" said the same thing.

Well, then.

He screams about how the divide over whether to "take the shot" is splitting up the country worse than any war ever did.

"Ah have never, in alla mah days - listen, hey, you kin slap me, you kin beat the snot outta me, ah'll finally, when ah get over mah bruises an' ah get over about a month an' mah _________ (?) smell, ah'll lahk ya again, but if you don't take the shot, or if you do take the shot, we're gonna be enemies! God, that's stupid! That ain't befriendin' people, ah kin tell ya that much amen."

And he gets in some anti-mask shit, as well. After his usual misinformation, comes "Them Chahnese masks that them doctors wear? They're the worst thing for ya. You say wha? Where the vahris came from, Chahna is what they're sayin'. Those masks came from Chahna"

And he struts away like he just did the biggest mike drop in the history of logic, asks if he's making sense, and reminds them that he's just sayin' to befriend people.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james+5%3A16&version=KJV

Well, it has the word "other" in it.

Gary points to someone. "What's your name again?"
Becky and a few other people answer "Ron." Gary re-aims his pointing, and gets the answer "Carol."

Spoiler

 

 

"Carol said, last tahm we was here, that her and Kathy was ladies - t'lean ohn one another."

He says that, when one of them pouts, the other makes her laugh, and vice versa. Way to minimize the feelings of women, Gary.

He does say that their talking to one another is important, and even says that, if they'd never broken up their talking before that service, and he'd never gotten up to preach but let them go on, it would have been the  fellowship they needed. For Gary (and any of these patriarchal shitheads), that's practically radfem!

Broken clock, twice a day.

People left the church because someone quit praying for them. Or they quit praying - hard to tell. But, in any case, it stopped being "a fevrent prayer."

He talks about a friend his father has, in West Virginia - they've had some things divide them a little bit - but the man's wife "got down at the Covid" a few months ago, and Danny called him to say he'd been praying for him. When they were finished fellowshipping and about to hang up the phone, the man said, "Brother Danny, ah call your name out every day."

Gary tells his story about the old ex-evangelist who felt he had no purpose in life any more due to his disabilities, and how he told him his purpose was to pray for Gary.

Gary is finished talking about the O in Joy, without one word about doing anything for others but being a shiny Christian, trying to convert them, saying you love them while insulting them horribly (including calling them insane and accusing them of scalping people!) and praying for them.

Fevrently.

With a bonus of incredibly stupid health advice thrown in.

Can't wait to hear what he says about Y for yourself. Oh wait - it's U for Us.

Edited September 22, 2021 by thoughtful
fixing quote

[Xan]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Well, enough about other people being stupid and offensive - let's get back to Gary being stupid and offensive.

Good grief.  I would dearly love for someone in one of his congregations to stand up and tell Gary that he's stupid and confused.  However, I wish people wouldn't harass him who've never even met him.  That just plays into the fundie desire for persecution.  Gary, like Jill, thinks he's attacked for being a Christian.  It's hard to be a worse person than Gary but even Gary doesn't appear to call complete strangers and attack them.

Spoiler

To anybody is lurking here for a comedy fix:  Please don't touch the poop.  

 

[thoughtful]

OK, on to the Y in JOY, or the U in JOU - us.

Gary says he's going to read scripture about us, but they're about us surrendering to God.  "In all reality, it ain't never about us."

Psych! That Gary is so clever!

"But it is how you can have joy, because ah love servin' God."

The captions have other plans for Gary:

Spoiler

Garry babbles about churches he doesn't want to go back to, because God doesn't show up.

He announces Joshua 24. can't find it, jokingly asks Becky if she took it out of his bible. When she says no, he says "Somebody did," and one of the two men yells "Praise the Lord!"

Gary laughs. He never does find it, but quotes the familiar ending of it (I found it, because, you know, electronic devices are good for that):

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+24%3A15&version=KJV

After only a brief comment about him and his house serving the Lord, Gary announces another reading.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+15%3A10&version=KJV

Gary screams his usual crap about how he used to hate people and had his own little cliques, and how nobody can love people without loving God.

He announces Isaiah 6, doesn't give the verse, and again I find it due to my not-a-bible, aka laptop.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=isaiah+6%3A8&version=KJV

Gary spews his usual stuff about being called. He says that, if someone asks him to be part of their meeting or let them use his tent, he should do it. "If it ain't God, ah b'lieve God will reveal some things, and He'll put a stop to it."

Why do I think the signs from God would be things like getting an invitation from a church with more members, where the take has been better in the past, or the people inviting him saying they can't put him up, and he needs to pay for a motel himself, or something along those lines?

Gary still can't spell joy, and the captions think his Y is an I, so we get:

Spoiler

I suspect Gary defaults on any IOU  - in fact, I doubt he even bothers - everyone owes him everything, in his mind (but only because of Jesus, of course).

And that "the park" is the end of one of his meaningless "in the part" interjections. But you probably knew that.

He starts to tell another story, then looks, I think, at Jacob, and asks "What's funny?" with this look on his face:

Spoiler

Jacob: "Y'all don't know how t'spell."

Gary mumbles something about "I O U," petulantly, but I can't hear it, because Becky is mockingly  asking "How do you spell Joy?"

I really hope Jacob is so bold because Gary no longer has the energy to beat him.

Gary just goes right back to his story, which is the old one about his sister in law asking Becky if she ever just wants to come home, get a house and a job, and stop traveling. He's now added "Yeah, sometimes  the devil does discourage you that way" to the answer he claims Becky gave (which is, of course, that, when she does get tired or homesick, somebody gets saved and she wants to keep going).

Gary says he used to wonder how the old-time evangelists would do Sunday to Saturday revivals, then go on to the next one, and claims God said "Hey! You really wanna know son? Ah'll put a load on ya, ah'll give ya the gas money, ah'll give ya the tahm, an' you can go for it."

 

Spoiler

   

"Mah wahf said 'Ah didn't wanna know.' What a godly wahf ah got amen."

"Lemme give you this an' ah'm done." I see about nine minutes remaining in the video.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=exodus+3%3A11&version=KJV

Moses was just like Gary. Gary couldn't believe God wanted him, since he speaks hillbilly. He says something about Yankees, Indians and people at "Spanish churches" not understanding him, then:

"I think ever'body ought to haveta learn that language."

Hillbilly? No. It's time for some of Gary's casual racism. He gets lots of support from the congregation on this.

"See we're havin' t'be made uh whenever you call somewhere if you want English ya gotta mash one. Ah shouldn't haveta mash one. If ah want Spanish ah should _______ (mumble) mash one. But ah don't because ah don't know how t'speak Spanish amen. Andele is about the best ah kin do for ya, amen."

"Mash" is Garyspeak for pressing a button.

The captions weren't ready for Spanish:
 

Spoiler

Back to Moses - Gary screams about how Moses thought his stuttering problem (or "stubborn problem," as the captions would have it) would keep him from bringing people "to the cause of Christ."

Um, Gary, Moses had never heard of - oh, what's the use?

Gary gets serious, wrapping up. In solemn tones, he reminds them to put Jesus first, others second, and yourself (he finally got it right!) "on the back burner."

And you will have:

Spoiler

Now that is a fine candidate for an embroidery project.

But does he end on that profound note? No!

He has aches and pains, but he's never been beaten like Jesus. He's never been crucified (but, of course, he says it may come to that).

He's been turned out, told not to come back to churches, but "that's OK, if God ain't welcome, ah don't wanna go."

Way to be humble, Gary.

Gary says he's not a morning person, but he still should have joy if he gets out of bed at 5:00 or 7:00. And the captions strike again:

Spoiler

Gary lies - er, talks about first going out on the road with his seven children, and how it "almost kills" him just feeding Jacob now, because he's a teenager. And he yells about how he needed food and would have to go to the Goodwill every hour to get clothes to fit his children, and how they'd need a roof over their heads, and a vehicle "to get from point A to point 2, or whatever," and Chinese food, and all of the usual crap about "God" providing.

He's even arrogant enough to tell them that he's had Chinese food every month (I think he says month - it's a mumble - it could have been every Monday!), except for one, in all his years on the road: "It was mah wahf's birthday, it was mah mother and father's anniversary," and he self-sacrificingly went to a seafood joint with them instead.

He doesn't say who paid.

God, I guess.

Have I mentioned that this is the congregation with only four people left in it? Gary, I'm sure they've already spent more than they can afford on you. Stop hinting.

Gary says that sometimes God "gives you things that you want, an' ah want joy." But the captions know better.

Spoiler

And he rambles on still more, teasing them, then saying he understands about Mark and Ron's being ill-at-ease preaching, especially if new people start coming. He talks about preaching for the Facebook group he insists is called "In Times." That was the by-the-bunk bed video with Gary's fabulous dance moves, and I remember that the group is called In Times Like These. He says he was even nervous for that, and the only person in the room with him was Becky.

Gary says he has people's souls in his hands when he preaches, and, being human, he says the wrong thing once in a while.

And he goes on and on about how it might even be OK to just fellowship, and not have anyone get up to preach. And he still goes on, saying (protect your irony meter!):

Spoiler

The rest of that is something about how he should just "shut up" when his wife opens her mouth, because she makes him argue.

"Some of y'all'll get that after a whahl."

"Hey, let's just have joy. Joy unspeakable." Or possibly:

Spoiler

 

Edited September 22, 2021 by thoughtful

[Four is Enough]

If, somehow, I got roped into going to a tent revival, and Bro Gary was there, I think I'd have to walk out in the first five minutes. How can anyone understand and follow the words of such an illiterate person? Nothing he says makes sense.

 

If it were just the accent, you could get into the rhythm and cadence of that after a short time.

But he leaves off entire words, and changes others completely. He leaves out pronouns and he doesn't match nouns and verbs. It's like being in a verbal fun house. but it's NO fun.

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

More old stuff - Gary can't lose his salvation, but he could be set on the shelf, like Israel, which gets bombed because they turned their back on God. When Gary says "Ah don' wanna be set on the shilf," the captions say:

Sorry, Gary, I have bad news for you. 

Spoiler

 

Edited September 22, 2021 by AmazonGrace

[Jasmar]

16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He also tells them his latest theory - it's the hospital and the ventilator that kills you.

PLEASE, Gary and every other denier out there, please avoid the hospital when you’re dying of COVID. There are people out there who give a crap about others who need the beds.

[forgetmenow]

17 hours ago, thoughtful said:

OK, on to the Y in JOY, or the U in JOU - us.He starts to tell another story, then looks, I think, at Jacob, and asks "What's funny?" with this look on his face:

  Hide contents

Jacob: "Y'all don't know how t'spell."

Gary mumbles something about "I O U," petulantly, but I can't hear it, because Becky is mockingly  asking "How do you spell Joy?"

Even as Gary seems to be getting more stridently awful lately (I don't now how you do it @thoughtful, but I'm thankful you do), I have the delightful image of Becky and Jacob becoming Gary's Statler and Waldorf.

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

8 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

If, somehow, I got roped into going to a tent revival, and Bro Gary was there, I think I'd have to walk out in the first five minutes. How can anyone understand and follow the words of such an illiterate person? Nothing he says makes sense.

 

If it were just the accent, you could get into the rhythm and cadence of that after a short time.

And, as I've said before, I associate a southern accent (not quite like Gary's, but similar) with some of the kindest, warmest, smartest relatives I have. So it's especially weird to my ear to hear gobbledeegook coming out.

  

1 hour ago, forgetmenow said:

Even as Gary seems to be getting more stridently awful lately (I don't now how you do it @thoughtful, but I'm thankful you do), I have the delightful image of Becky and Jacob becoming Gary's Statler and Waldorf.

  Hide contents

 

Jacob's got the deep voice for -  um - whichever one it was with the deep voice - too.

On 9/16 and 17, there are short videos, under the tent, from an unidentified church.

Jacob seems to be serving as song leader in the 9/16 one, for a couple of hymns. The camera doesn't follow him over to the piano, but we hear Gary's "How many of ya glad yer saved?" Then Becky sings Preach On. A man (pastor? Who knows?) announces plans for whatever this event is, including games on Saturday. He says there will be horseshoes and badminton, but the captions have other ideas:

Spoiler

Get the shuttecock and get ready for some bed knitting sounds dirty, but it isn't!

And that's it.

On 9/17, late morning, we hear Gary ignoring the person at the lectern, fellowshipping with someone. From what I can hear, says what sounds like "They think of me as a missionary?" and "Ah understand they're real mission mahnded."

The person leading the service says, teasingly "What are you standing up for?"
Gary: "Wha?"

A dog wanders in:

Spoiler

The pianist (not Becky) plays, and Jacob leads them in At Calvary. And that's the end of that one.

There's another short video from the morning of 9/17, with a man saying he wasn't planning on preaching, but "the Lord gave me something this morning."

He comments about how he's not used to preaching outside and how things are blowing around, then, I think realizing that sounds like complaining, he gestures to the lovely panorama behind him and says "I love it! Bein' out here, and seein' the creation that God has given us . . ."

Spoiler

" . . . and to be able to preach the word that spoke it into existence!"

I didn't recognize this man, because of the distance, bad light, and the general white preacher dude problem, but, as soon as he starts talking about prison/drugs/alcohol, I realize it must be Dale Morey again.

He yammers about people choosing Hell instead of Heaven, starts reading Psalm 103, and the video ends after about 3 minutes.

And Becky sent Gary the link to his "utube" channel:

https://www.facebook.com/ghawkins38/posts/4690260384352092

So, was that a genuine error on Becky's part, or was she still teasing him about not being able to spell "joy" and/or "you?"

Edited September 22, 2021 by thoughtful
making a correction

[thoughtful]

  

The September 19 morning video is from indoors, back at Heritage Baptist in Groton NY. Gary is already reading from the Bible when the video starts, and my trusty not-a-bible helps me find the verses, just by using a few words as a search.

Toughest thing about that, of course, is never being sure if Gary is reading correctly. But he got a few words in a row as written, and it's Ezekiel - the video starts when he's in the middle of verse 12:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ezekiel+37%3A12-15&version=KJV

OK, I know I have no idea where he started, but there's no question that he stopped in a weird place;  saying . . . saying . . .  what? What was the Lord saying, Gary?

Gary says the reading is about "backslid  cold and indifferent people. His (Ezekiel?) question was "Can we have life, can we have breath?"

Or, according to the captions:

Spoiler

I'm now picturing the skeletons standing in line at a bakery, perusing the rye and the brioche and the focaccia . . .

The title of the message is Can You Have Revival? Can You Have Revival?

Gary revs up to screaming mode quickly, and says very little that we haven't heard many times.

He also goes back and forth in the chapter, quoting as far back as verse 5, and going on past verse 15. Here's the whole chapter - it's Ezekiel and the bones:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ezekiel+37&version=KJV

He comes up with a very inspiring way to remind them to listen to the Lord. He shrieks: "Yer gonna haveta be willin' to listen hey cut yer hearin' aid up, take yer wife's selective hearing, amen, an' yer gonna have to open that ear up. Yer gonna haveta take the q-tip - ah was watchin' a video th'other day an' it was - it even messed up with the q-tip an' it's somethin' that they stick in yer ear, an' it gets all the wax outta there an' yer gonna haveta have a clear part of hearin' so you can hear exactly what's goin' on."

So, we've found the person who wants to click on those ads with the gross earwax and find out what they're selling - it's Gary!

Apparently, "cut" is Garyspeak for "turn up the volume," which I thought, based on his most recent telling of the story about the preaching CD at the gas station, but now I know for sure. Later, he says it would "be a good idear for us to take our hearin' aids ohn, cut 'em wide open, an' say, Lord, ah wanna hear what you got to say."

After screeching about how people are too busy trying to make money to have revival, he says that somebody "put ohn Facebook the other day," asking how far your paycheck would take you, if you took a trip. Gary says he didn't answer, because his wouldn't take him "across the block amen 'n' ever'thing, don't feel sorry for me."

I don't - I worry about Jacob and Rascal, though.

More screaming, including his noble admission that he needs to be preached to, then "Am ah makin' sense this mornin'? Where's mah water at, Becky?"

He tries to use being asleep as a metaphor, to say that people need to wake up and hear the Lord so the Lord can help them. First he describes a man who was snoring loudly during the singing at the recent tent meeting.

Then he says that Becky falls asleep while they are driving somewhere. "You know what? She cain't help me? Ya know wha? She's asleep. Well, you know what, God cain't help us when we're asleep an' we don't want Him, amen?"

Gary, it would have to be Becky who needs the help in that scenario, to make your point.

And he starts complaining about their being a hard crowd, tells them to wake up, and gives a geshrei: "Get yer head out of the sand! The world's goin' to hell, amen!"

After more caterwauling, he babbles about needing to "water the piano," which he says he just learned about (nope - I remember you talking about it a long time ago, Gary). He tries to be funny about the piano humidifier - he fails.

But it gets him on the idea of water waking people up, and he tells a story about getting ready to take Caleb to a hospital in Maine, years ago, for some reason, and Becky passing out as she was "comin' down."

Gary poured water into her mouth to wake her up. I'm trying to remember if that was the time that her foot went through the stairs on the old bus they had. It sounds like the same story.

"Ah'm thinkin' we should just take the church member, an' just drownd 'em down, so they can wake up in these last days!"

Gary, I don't think waterboarding or dunking are appropriate ways to inspire church members.

He screams on, and makes an interesting error. While doing one of his repetitive, karate-chopping riffs about Jesus being alive, he shrieks, "Let's act lahk He's alahv, let's live lahk He's alahv, let's pretend lahk He's alahv, amen?"

Oops.

Spoiler

He tells the story of the man in that neighborhood who asked if he was going to church, that he wants to go back and bring to church. This time, he doesn't mention the man's race, or threaten to "drag" or "tote" him there. Coincidence? A warning from Becky? Who knows.

"If ah could shove revahval down yer throat ah prob'ly would."

He says his grandmother used to talk about black and white television, and then he seems to think he made a joke (I only know because he follows it up with "Some y'all'll git that after a whahl"). Here's what I hear:

"Ah don't really know nothin' about that, we had collar, ah think, ah dunno, ah think they collar mine amen."

Here's what the captions say:

Spoiler

    

Anybody? Bueller? Will we get it after a while?

He says that, whenever "wrasslin'" came on the TV, the people in the room with his grandmother would have more fun watching her than watching the TV, "cause she was boxin' somebody's ears, she just didn't know whose it wassss. We maht oughta get that excited about God."

He gets quiet and says it's going to be (I think) a plague for some of them to make it this week "because you're not ready - you don't want revahval. Guess what? You won't git it."

He does some of his "I'm not all that spiritual" disclaimers.

He finished by telling them that there was a birthday party for Becky at Bethel, on 9/10, and people gave her gifts. "Ah figured out one thing with mah wahf, she has not rejected one gift yet. Even if ah give her a broom, ah b'lieve she'd take it, ah don't know what she'd do with it after she took it but ah b'lieve she'd take it."

Yeah, Gary - most people don't reject gifts. It would hurt the giver's feelings. Way to make your wife sound greedy. And the only reason she has no use for a broom is because you two idiots don't have a home. You're the lazy one who'd probably never touch a broom.

Becky makes some comment that sounds like it starts with "Your mom taught me . . ."

But, of course, Gary keeps right on to his deep and meaningful punch line, and I'm sure you all know what it is.

"Butchu know what? Jesus' gift's better."

Some people gave Becky money - "she'll fahnd somethin' t'spend it ohn, an' it'll be gone. But that gift of God is everlastin'."

Gary wants to baptize the kids that got saved at Bible school, if they want, "ah'm ready t'dunk 'em."

Yeah, after what you said earlier, I hope nobody lets you near their child and water.

"Becky come t'the piana, Can you have revival? Do you want revival? Do you wanna be close to God?"

Or perhaps:

Spoiler

   

 

 

Edited September 24, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[Ozlsn]

6 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Am ah makin' sense this mornin'? Where's mah water at, Becky?"

I don't know if it's just me but his verbal and possibly cognitive processing seems to be getting worse. I really want to know what the congregations actually think because no, he's usually not making any sense.

[clese]

Oh oh!! I followed this sermon on you tube too. 

I thought gary said you should cut your ear LIBES open to hear god!! Lol.

Also the PRETEND  jesus is alive.

I laughed so hard when I saw that picture of white jesus saying dude my husband, who was across the room on an extremely important work call gave me filthy husband look!!

 

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

He finished by telling them that there was a birthday party for Becky at Bethel, on 9/10, and people gave her gifts. "Ah figured out one thing with mah wahf, she has not rejected one gift yet. Even if ah give her a broom, ah b'lieve she'd take it, ah don't know what she'd do with it after she took it but ah b'lieve she'd take it."

Yeah, Gary - most people don't reject gifts. It would hurt the giver's feelings. Way to make your wife sound greedy. And the only reason she has no use for a broom is because you two idiots don't have a home. You're the lazy one who'd probably never touched a broom.

Meet Gary, the man who gets his cars, food, everything donated.

He's got some nerve to feel cranky about anyone else's gifts.

Hypothetical gifts that don't really exist, at that.

[Alisamer]

14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He comes up with a very inspiring way to remind them to listen to the Lord. He shrieks: "Yer gonna haveta be willin' to listen hey cut yer hearin' aid up, take yer wife's selective hearing, amen, an' yer gonna have to open that ear up. Yer gonna haveta take the q-tip - ah was watchin' a video th'other day an' it was - it even messed up with the q-tip an' it's somethin' that they stick in yer ear, an' it gets all the wax outta there an' yer gonna haveta have a clear part of hearin' so you can hear exactly what's goin' on."

So, we've found the person who wants to click on those ads with the gross earwax and find out what they're selling - it's Gary!

Apparently, "cut" is Garyspeak for "turn up the volume," which I thought, based on his most recent telling of the story about the preaching CD at the gas station, but now I know for sure. Later, he says it would "be a good idear for us to take our hearin' aids ohn, cut 'em wide open, an' say, Lord, ah wanna hear what you got to say."

I'm going to admit Audiology Associate's earwax cleaning videos on youtube are very satisfying to watch. And the audiologist is Welsh and has an easy voice to listen to. Maybe Gary stumbled on one of their videos?

"Cut" is another regionalism. It makes sense in a way for "cut off the lights", since you're literally cutting power to the lights by flipping the switch. But then it gets used for everything - "cut off the lights" "cut on the TV" etc. I do have to say though I rarely hear that espression used for changing volume! Again Gary speaks like someone two generations back, in my area. Again though, he's more rural and I'm near Charlotte, so that might contrbute to the difference.

And he's probably sayinng that because he knows there are older men who show up to church every Sunday and don't have a clue what was going on because they turn their hearing aids right off and snooze through the service. 

13 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I don't know if it's just me but his verbal and possibly cognitive processing seems to be getting worse. I really want to know what the congregations actually think because no, he's usually not making any sense.

I agree, he does seem to be getting worse, IMO. 

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

He comes up with a very inspiring way to remind them to listen to the Lord. He shrieks: "Yer gonna haveta be willin' to listen hey cut yer hearin' aid up, take yer wife's selective hearing, amen, an' yer gonna have to open that ear up. Yer gonna haveta take the q-tip - ah was watchin' a video th'other day an' it was - it even messed up with the q-tip an' it's somethin' that they stick in yer ear, an' it gets all the wax outta there an' yer gonna haveta have a clear part of hearin' so you can hear exactly what's goin' on."

Gotta hand it to Gary tho, well done, attaboy. Not everyone would manage to be casually misogynistic while talking about q-tips.

[thoughtful]

8 hours ago, clese said:

I laughed so hard when I saw that picture of white jesus saying dude my husband, who was across the room on an extremely important work call gave me filthy husband look!!

My apologies to both of you.

I wish I knew the origin of that image, and who painted it. I think it's supposed to be in the Garden of Gethsemane, when Jesus is praying and the disciples are sleeping.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew 26%3A36-46&version=KJV

Spoiler

 

48 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

"Cut" is another regionalism. It makes sense in a way for "cut off the lights", since you're literally cutting power to the lights by flipping the switch. But then it gets used for everything - "cut off the lights" "cut on the TV" etc. I do have to say though I rarely hear that espression used for changing volume!

I've heard it for turning something off, as well, but never for turning something up higher.

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

He says his grandmother used to talk about black and white television, and then he seems to think he made a joke (I only know because he follows it up with "Some y'all'll git that after a whahl"). Here's what I hear:

"Ah don't really know nothin' about that, we had collar, ah think, ah dunno, ah think they collar mine amen."

Somebody colors Gary's TV so it's not black and white?

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

Somebody colors Gary's TV so it's not black and white?

I guess - maybe the "joke" was an image in his head of people with crayons, coloring in all of the images. Which could have been cute, coming from someone who could have described it in a funny way, instead of mumbling incoherently.

Highlights of the 9/20 video from Heritage Baptist Church in Groton NY:

Gary says he went and took his tent down, from wherever that place was where the videos got cut off.

Gary says that Brother Don gave them a tub of stuff (food, I assume), 'bout this big:
 

Spoiler

Why is he mentioning this? To tell them how thankful he is to Don, or to God? Nope. He says, "This took over half of the freezer up, so if ya got stuff in the freezer, don't bring it here, amen."

He mumbles something about sending Brother Mike home and not making Miss Jeannie mad, and sending Miss Jeannie downstairs, and not wanting to see a war happen because the Yankees are playing.

There are chuckles, and Gary looks pleased with himself, as he announces Isaiah chapter 56 and says he's glad they can have fun in church "at somebody else's expense amen."

He goes on, saying something I can't catch, but it sounds like Mike told him he had to do something nice for Jeannie if he was going to have Gary there for two weeks.

He said something weird about Jeannie (Jeannine Stout, Mike's wife) in the previous video, too. I have no way of knowing where their feelings are towards one another, on the spectrum from affectionate teasing to real hatred.

It's Isaiah 53 he wants to read, not 56. He reads the whole chapter.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah+53&version=KJV

And it's time to follow Gary's train of thought from the reading to the title of his (totally new, got-to-ponderin', God-given) message. Everybody ready?

Spoiler

This was all one long stream - I broke it up as much as I could for readability, but I swear Gary has perfected the art of circular breathing.

"Now, Ahzayah is one of the prophets that proclaimed an' told about the fortellin's of the Lord Jesus Christ an' chapter 53 pretty well just descrahbs exactly what they done to our Lord and savior after he was borned, ah mean that was the reason He was here and it talks about uh just what Jesus did for us an' ah got t'thinking, ah got t'thinking, as ah was over puttin' th'tent down then ah got back here an' was readin' was readin' somma mah chapters today, an' ah got t' thinkin' about Ahzayah chapter thirty - fifty three an' ah got t' thinkin' about just what the Lord has done."

"Y'know what? If the Lord hadn'ta done that we'd be in Hell amen? Now ah wanna say we should be in Hell because wha? We deserve Hell but thanks be to God for a merciful and a gracious God, the preacher that preached ohn Saturdee naht over there just kep' on talking about just how merciful a God we have ya say wha? 'Cause He's a merciful God amen."

"He does not - sometahm, ya think about, ya ever- have you ever had yer children to do anything - uh, that was wrong an'  maybe you had a little mercy ohn 'em? Ah'm trahin' t'think it ah ever did that amen. Ah'm sure ah prob'ly did in mah entahr tahm but ah got t' thinkin' about a title after lookin' at this, an' it - the title is No One Keered for Me  - Like Jesus. No One Keered for Me  - Like Jesus. "

Whew!

And he goes right on.

But I need a break. More later.

 

[Destiny]

Does Bro. Gary know that amen is not punctuation?

[AmazonGrace]

For shame, Gary, lying is a sin.

Spoiler

an' ah got t'thinking, ah got t'thinking, as ah was over puttin' th'tent down then ah got back here an' was readin' was readin' somma mah chapters today, an' ah got t' thinkin' about Ahzayah chapter thirty - fifty three an' ah got t' thinkin'

I don't know what you did there but it didn't involve thinking.

[postscript]

So the tent was welcome at the last place but Gary himself wasn’t asked to preach? For all he says he’s willing to lend the tent, I bet he was a bit miffed. 

Gary’s stream of consciousness makes even less sense in long-form than in short-form. It’s like religious performance art with a down-home twang. 

[thoughtful]

31 minutes ago, Destiny said:

Does Bro. Gary know that amen is not punctuation?

I don't think so.

 

15 minutes ago, postscript said:

So the tent was welcome at the last place but Gary himself wasn’t asked to preach? For all he says he’s willing to lend the tent, I bet he was a bit miffed. 

It's not clear, because those were the truncated videos. But yeah, I suspect he gets pissy about lending the tent without getting to preach, then piously crucifies his flesh for his "jallousy," and tells everyone he likes being preached to, and needed a good rebuke, after he's had a good pout.

I suspect there are gigs Gary gets only because of the tent, like they only get invited to the Texas camp meeting for Becky's cooking. And, so far, I don't think he's ever even been invited to preach there.

I guess they give him some of the take - er, offering - for those events.

[thoughtful]

9/20, in Groton NY, Gary continues on the theme No One Keered for Me  - Like Jesus.

Gary says he deserved "a whole lot more than what he got" from his parents.

He does not make it clear what he means by that - more love? More stuff? More punishment?

We never find out - he veers right off into an automatic-pilot riff about the end times, his being ready to be a martyr, and describing the tortures of Jesus in great detail (which I will spare you this time).

I wonder if Gary has ever seen The Passion of the Christ, or if he eschews it for being too Hollywood, or because it was made by a Catholic. I haven't seen it, but, from what I've heard, he might love it.

But then again, he can't bear to hear Becky's old nurse stories, so who knows where he really lies on the "love/hate to be grossed out" scale.

Speaking of grossed out, Gary, after warning them that he can only use hillbilly words, tells them he used to have a problem: "if somebody was pukin', it wasn't long before ah was puking raht with 'em."

Gary, that's not a hillbilly description - that's just childish.

He goes on to tell them, "But but ah don't - ah ain't as bad as ah useta be ohn somma that thing an' everything, but Rascal, once in a whahl, our dog we got, he'll - he'll git sick once in a whahl, an' that darn thing'll do that an' ever'thing, but it makes it but Jesus went through thangs - " Dramatic pause. "That ah'll probably never haveta go through."

He never explains why he brought up (you should pardon the expression) emesis.

Back to his parents, and whether they cared for him - they gave him a roof over his head. "It might not been the uh - uh Taz Mahaul, what however ya say that thing."

Gary says that, when they visit his wife's parents, they go by a very large, spread out house. He may never be livin' like that, but it don't matter, because he's got a home in Heaven, and "It'll outshine anything that any money has ever built, or anything that's ever been that even the Princes of Bel Air lived ohn amen!"

Here's a question - is that phrase in Gary's head only because he's heard it floating around? Does he even realize it refers to a modern character, not someone from ancient history? Did he watch the show (Fresh Prince of Bel Air was in first run when Gary was a young adult, and before he got saved)?

On to some Becky-insulting ("she takes pretty good keer of me when she thinks she loves me," etc.). Even in complimenting Becky, he is nasty to others: "She does things for me that some people would say that 'You shouldn't do that,' that's OK, you just keep yer mouth shut, amen."

"Brother Mike an' Miss Jeannie has done great things for us - well, lemme rephrase that - Brother Mike has."

Lots of laughs from the audience - er , congregation.

Anyway, the point is that nobody cared for Gary like Jesus did.

Annnnnd, we're back to the tortures. The captions have trouble with Gary's pronunciation of "mocked," again:
 

Spoiler

I guess it can "barley" understand him!

Sorry.

He screams about how he should have been the one on the cross for a while, then says he knows the two worst pains a person can experience are either shingles or toothache - he can't decide which.

Spoiler

He said he had shingles, on his forehead, and describes how bad the pain was when he took a shower, in gory detail. Again, I will spare you.

But he still never hurt like Jesus did. And he goes through another round of describing it.

He tells a story about Jacob hurting himself a few years ago, because he was wandering out in the woods in Maine, and "bein' a deceiver." We get a gruesome description of that.

And then he goes back to re-describing the torture of Jesus. Which, BTW, happened long after the passage in Isaiah (which, despite having briefly mentioned it was "fortellin'," Gary keeps referring to as if it was a history of the event) was written - probably about 700 years.

Gary says he probably started sinning ("makin' sins," and "committin' sins" - wow - both?) right after he was born, which reminds him that he's going to meet his new grandbaby on 10/1.

He says (I think - I'm sure of the beginning - not so sure of the end), "An' ah'll spoil it and make it - uh - an' it's a good thing ah git t'see it at home."

I think the captions have picked up on Gary's violent mood, because here's what they make of that:

Spoiler

Gary says he promises them his 10-day-old grandbaby has already sinned.

He yell for a while about a young woman he and Becky were recently "dealin' with," who said she didn't think of herself as a bad sinner. Gary made sure she knew she was, asking if she'd ever lied, or took a cookie from the cookie jar. Oh, and the next day, Becky informed him that the young woman didn't know that drinking was wrong.

And he's off and running on how things that "tasteses good" aren't always good for us. Sweet tea will make you fat and hyper, he says. Oh, and we find out that the huge tub in the freezer is ice cream - Gary's favorite kind.

Gary says he has never murdered anyone ("unless you wanna classifah a deer bein' murdered). But he's still a sinner.

After screaming about Jesus suffering and taking everyone's sins for a while, Gary says:

"Years ago ah almost went to jail, almost went to prison, an' no it's nonya business, ah got it under the blood, amen. But you know what? He took that sin away from me. He paid for that sin, amen."

Well, that's the closest he's ever come.

Gary assures us that he will sin tomorrow, and every day.

He tells a story about a Pentecostal man who was talking to him.  He tells them there may be some Pentecostals in Heaven, but they will have to "hang ohn and endure to the end," because they don't take the Bible "little-ly."

The man said he was going to Heaven because he "lived holy." Gary set him straight. The man wanted Gary to call him, and Gary said "Ah ain't callin' you - ah don't got tahm for you to call mah God a liar. Amen?"

Pentecostals, Gary says, believe they have to get saved over and over. "Ah'm glad mah God don't do that amen. An' ah would say this if ah was ohn th'Indian reservation, wouldn't have a bitta problem - mah God is not a Indian reh - a Indian giver amen."

Gary, you wouldn't have a problem saying anything offensive - whether the people listening have a problem with it doesn't even seem to be on your radar.

More later. Make sure you do some sinning between now and the next recap - Gary's counting on you!
 

Spoiler

So, did Jesus have to absorb all of this perfume?

Edited September 24, 2021 by thoughtful
punctuation