Bro Gary Hawkins 18: Bro In My State...State of the Bro

[postscript]

Hahahahaha. Watched the bits of the video featuring Gary. That dance is even more ridiculous in live action. Ditto the hat, lanyard and Gary’s lumbering interpretation of the devil. 

Even without sticking around for the pen’s performance, I can tell it gives a more convincing interpretation than Gary. His utter lack of interest in playing the part is a bit baffling, considering how he likes to throw himself into his own performances, er, sermons. I suppose he’s willing to put out effort when he’s the star but not in a supporting role. 

[thoughtful]

On September 5, Gary preached at Bethel Baptist Church in King Ferry NY

This is the church that has the circular pit for their piano - it may be an odd look, but I like it.

Spoiler

However, in their previous visit, we never saw the side wall. That mural is not appealing to me - if it is supposed to be the path to Heaven, it's creepy.

Spoiler

Maybe it's the way to Hell, and there's one for Heaven on the other side. But it reminds me of the file room in the opening of The Prisoner, redecorated to be the yellow brick road in Oz.

What are the black things sticking out of the buildings? Why is one turned flat against the building? Why is everything yellow? So many questions.

Becky plays and sings - it takes me a while to figure out that it's Somebody Go Get God.

Gary strides manfully to the front, carrying his towel-wrapped bible, and blabs some of his usual greeting spiel. He announces 2 Chronicles 7, claims he had something else planned, that he came up with last night and wrote down, but "the Lord changed mah mahnd." He'll preach the planned message later in the week, he promises, so they'll just have to come back.

He claims that, while they were helping with the VBS in Groton, "the devil got raht in the middle of it," but seven souls still got saved.

I call bullshit on both statements, but I want to know what happened that Gary interpreted as the devil getting in the middle of it - some kids squirming in their chairs?

Whenever you're trying to something for the Lord, "the devil shows his head."

When they don't "amen" enough for him when he says they have to give up some things, he says "don't dah ohn me, ah'll think yer guilty, amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+chronicles+7%3A1-15&version=KJV

I've never heard Gary read this before, so the reading is new, at least. He' putting in lots of long, hissing s sounds.

There are also lots of errors, of course, and comments after most verses, including a longish lecture after verse 8 about needing to get over one another's faults to have a "great congregation," after which he demands "what verse do ah start' back in, Becky?"
Becky (instantly): "Nine."

KJV: Moreover Solomon hallowed the middle of the court that was before the house of the Lord:
Bro Gary Version: Moreover Solomon. Followed the middle of the court. And was before the house of the Lord:

KJV: all that came into Solomon's heart to make in the house of the Lord, and in his own house, he prosperously effected.
BGV: all that came into Solomon's heart make - to make into the house of the Lord, and in his own house, he pros - prosperitly uh-ffected.

KJV: if I send pestilence among my people;
BGV: if I send pellisance among my people;

Gary's glad that his mama wasn't born "in Chronicle days, amen, 'cause there's some funny names,  an' there's some  hard names, an' there's some difficult names."

Gary's already in repetitive chanting preacher mode, and he's just making his usual attempt at a joke about reading the names in the bible. Save it for the preaching, dude.

He's taking his text from verse 14, he says, and reads it again.

 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

After some familiar Garyspew, we get a new story.

"When you get revahval, listen hey - you get stirred up, there was a young man, wh- how old was him, Jacob? Do you know how old Josh was, that got saved last week?"
Jacob (instantly): "Twelve."
Gary: "Twelve years old. He walked out - he walked over there to Brother Kilgore, was talkin' t'him an' br- he said 'Ah ah ah ah lahk t'git saved, ah wanna git saved, ah need t'get saved,' 'n' ah don't know if alla that was somma the words, but that was the context of his conversation, an' he says, 'Well you already cometa the Sunday school, ah'm sure you've already been saved.' He said 'Ah've never been saved.'"

Somehow, I imagine that 12-year-old Josh was probably much more eloquent than Gary. Oh, and the second "he" is Kilgore, who, I figured out, is Missionary Jim.

According to Gary, Kilgore took the boy out, "showed him some scriptures an' showed him some things lahk that."

When he came back, Gary thought Mrs. Stout, the pastor's wife "was gonna have a Yankee shoutin' spell there just for a minute amen."

Back to the usual stuff for a while. He doesn't do the usual ritualistic "just for a few minutes, ah wanna preach ohn" presentation of his message title, but I think the theme is How to See Revival.

After some things we've all heard many times, including his salvation story, he gets into talking about having a calling - it has to be from Jesus. "You know what, mah Mama's called me many a things in mah 49 years almost,  ah'm not gonna tellya some them amen. Butchu know what that day - Jesus called. There's a difference when Jesus calls - than when yer Mama calls."

He says that Caleb claims he has the call to preach, and that he hopes it's true.

Spoiler

Besides looking like he's gained a lot of the weight back (that white is a gapping pocket), Gary's face and eyes look puffy and swollen. Maybe you need to be back on those blood pressure meds, Gary, or Zyrtec, or a low-salt regimen, or something.

He babbles about street preaching in Florida ("ah got outta God's will an' took me to Florida in the summer tahm"), and the pastor they were out there with inviting Jacob to preach. Gary wants God to call Jacob, but it has to be God, not him. He never says whether Jacob preached that day.

After some more familiar stuff, including a reminder to voluntarily use the altar, Gary looks down at his steno pad and dully rattles off the list of what he's mentioned so far in his recipe for revival: "Number one ya gotta be His people number two ya gotta be called number three He's gotta do the calling number four you gotta come on yourself."

Well, OK. I guess.

He screams about having a humble spirit for a while, His vehicle, and yours, belong to Jesus, and if you've got an empty seat in it, when you come to church, "find somebody thatchu kin grab, tah up, whatever you kin do t'git 'em in that seat, an' bring 'em to church amen!"

More familiar stuff follows, including Gary talking about how lucky he is not to be Brother Mike Stout, who is partially paralyzed. He tells them how Mike's wife has to get him out of bed, and how she is a humble servant. "Ah watched the video - his wahf done a pretty good job of humblin' gittin' him cleaned up  and sitting bah Chris t'come t'church every mornin'."

There's a video of Mrs. Stout getting her husband "cleaned up" and dressed for church?

Gary drifts off into some babble about how Sunday school is different from church, and discipling, and makes one of his asides that he's left his original message at this point. He imitates people who are shocked at the idea of four services a week, and says "Ah expect you to be here all week."

A fair amount of this was veering, fragmented stuff, and after what may be his 5th or 6th "am ah makin' sense?" (a few people yell "yes!" or "amen!" every time, damn them), he says some of them are looking at him like he's crazy.

He reads some of verse 14 again, and asks them to "say it with me" when he gets to the word "pray."

He tells them not to give up their Saturday morning prayer breakfasts. "Ah was invahted to two breakfastes yesterday, an' ah declahned both of them." He and Becky mumble-tease something back and forth, but I couldn't catch it. Maybe she's making him decline "breakfastes" so he can resist the devil's temptation to stuff himself.

And on to his usual stuff about praying. Don Green is old and has lots of peoblems (he touches on how hard it is to get him to church, too), but he "will - not - miss - church!" Oh, this is the guy that supposedly prays 10 hours a day, and did, even when he was young and busy.

Citation needed, Gary.

He yammers on about all of the things and people for which they need to pray, then gets on his bit about Jesus telling the disciples to go two by two, and how that's even more important today, so you won't get accused of anything. He tells the story of the woman who came to the door not wearing enough clothes to cover a gnat. Gary was alone, because Becky's back hurt and she'd stayed in the car.

He tells a story that is so garbled that I'm not sure what he's trying to say, but I think the gist is that, when he was driving a school bus in South Dakota, he got called into the principal's office. I think it's because the kids were acting up, but it sounds like he's glad there's technology to show what really happened, because he's afraid of getting accused of something.  But he never says there was a camera on the bus, so it all makes no sense:

"Ah used t'drahve a school bus in South Dakota years ago an' ah didn't know this, ah'm not tech-whatever. Ah don't know, ah got a smart phone ah just don't know what ya do with it amen. Ah did not know this until, one day, the principal come to me an' says 'Ah need to see you in mah office.' Now ah thank God for this. An then it was mah kids was bein' a little bit rowdy an' ah had t'take keer of 'em an' ah said 'Ah'm gonna tell ya, ah went to the principal's office bah mahself one tahm. The next tahm y'all mean, the next tahm y'all act up, you goin' to the principal's office with me. ________(something mumbled about the kids). But you know what ah'm glad they had that on there you say wha - people kin say a lot of things. People kin say anything t'day, an' listen, it don't matter if you got a record, it don't matter anything, we're livin' in a diff'rent tahm amen! "

Anyway, his point is that ladies have to go out soul winning with their pastor. He asks if he's making sense, gets affirmation, and grumbles "Ah'm glad somebody agrees with me, anyway."

Back to verse 14, and this time he stops after "seek my face."

And he goes on about God's will, and how the new pastor had to decide what was God's will (this is the church Gary kept talking about, that lost their pastor, Malcolm LiGreci, who often comments on Gary's Facebook page - Gary makes it sound like he personally found the new guy).

"See, whenever ah contacted Facebook, an' then Brother Chris seen this post. Ah guess - somebody  seen it, mighta been his wahf, ah don't know, he may not be that smart, ah don' know. But, when he seen the post, whoever seen the post, they immediately contacted me." Long pause, to let that sink in.

"An' he immediately started sayin' 'Is this God's will? Do - is this where God wants me? Ah'm doin' - whatever it is that he's doin' in Colorada, do ah need to go where there's a lot more snow amen' - thank God it's you an' not me amen - 'an' ah need to go where there's a lot more lohst people an' ah'm not sure they can even be possible amen it's a pretty wicked state amen! But is that God's will?' An' ah'm hopin' that he started seeking God's face, ______ (mumble)."

He mentions his Facebook post about disqualifications. Of course he makes sure to say "Ain't none of us worthy of anything." And he does some faux groveling. But God chose him.

After some more old familiar stuff about how Gary is in God's will, he returns to verse 14, and stops after "turn from their wicked ways."

He yells about wickedness, including himself, of course, for a while. He alters one of his standard lines: "Go ahead and take yer halos off - yer no gooder than I am."

Yeah, but I bet all of them have better grammar.

More wickedness, then an advertisement for the KJV, which is God and is alive, then lots of the usual screaming. He says that a testimony like Becky's, who got saved as a child and never got into trouble, is better than Dale Morey's dramatic one.

And he blahblahblahs to the end.

Edited September 9, 2021 by thoughtful
fixing pictures

[thoughtful]

I tried something new for that last post - when I couldn't understand one thing Gary said, I checked the captioning. It didn't help with that one spot, but there were some very funny interpretations. Not as many as I thought there would be, though - it's actually astonishingly good at knowing what Gary is saying.

Here, Gary is talking about being a Baptist.

Spoiler

Yes, he's madness, or perhaps badness, from the top of his head to the bottom of his cowboy boots.

The misinterpreted word here is rapture - it sounds like tools will be needed to get the saved up to Heaven:

Spoiler

Gary was claiming to be "God-called and God-sent," but the caption knew better:

Spoiler

Actually, the captioning did tell me I was wrong about one thing - what I would have sworn was "come on yourself" (I thought it was a Garyism for doing something voluntarily - a mashup of "come on your own" and "come by yourself," perhaps?) was, apparently, "humble yourself." How disappointing.

Spoiler

Gary's birth was different from Jesus', which sounds painful:

Spoiler

This was right after Gary said he didn't go to the "breakfastses," but I don't think that was the reason he missed them. I did hear Becky talk, after all:

Spoiler

At one point, Gary is bowing up and down and yelling about keeping the flame of revival going. He says to throw "a little kerosene on there," but the captioning says:

Spoiler

I hope it's not the car seat with the person they're dragging to church tied in it!

 

[clese]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

On September 5, Gary preached at Bethel Baptist Church in King Ferry NY

This is the church that has the circular pit for their piano - it may be an odd look, but I like it.

  Hide contents

However, in their previous visit, we never saw the side wall. That mural is not appealing to me - if it is supposed to be the path to Heaven, it's creepy.

  Hide contents

Maybe it's the way to Hell, and there's one for Heaven on the other side. But it reminds me of the file room in the opening of The Prisoner, redecorated to be the yellow brick road in Oz.

What are the black things sticking out of the buildings? Why is one turned flat against the building? Why is everything yellow? So many questions.

Becky plays and sings - it takes me a while to figure out that it's Somebody Go Get God.

Gary strides manfully to the front, carrying his towel-wrapped bible, and blabs some of his usual greeting spiel. He announces 2 Chronicles 7, claims he had something else planned, that he came up with last night and wrote down, but "the Lord changed mah mahnd." He'll preach the planned message later in the week, he promises, so they'll just have to come back.

He claims that, while they were helping with the VBS in Groton, "the devil got raht in the middle of it," but seven souls still got saved.

I call bullshit on both statements, but I want to know what happened that Gary interpreted as the devil getting in the middle of it - some kids squirming in their chairs?

Whenever you're trying to something for the Lord, "the devil shows his head."

When they don't "amen" enough for him when he says they have to give up some things, he says "don't dah ohn me, ah'll think yer guilty, amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+chronicles+7%3A1-15&version=KJV

I've never heard Gary read this before, so the reading is new, at least. He' putting in lots of long, hissing s sounds.

There are also lots of errors, of course, and comments after most verses, including a longish lecture after verse 8 about needing to get over one another's faults to have a "great congregation," after which he demands "what verse do ah start' back in, Becky?"
Becky (instantly): "Nine."

KJV: Moreover Solomon hallowed the middle of the court that was before the house of the Lord:
Bro Gary Version: Moreover Solomon. Followed the middle of the court. And was before the house of the Lord:

KJV: all that came into Solomon's heart to make in the house of the Lord, and in his own house, he prosperously effected.
BGV: all that came into Solomon's heart make - to make into the house of the Lord, and in his own house, he pros - prosperitly uh-ffected.

KJV: if I send pestilence among my people;
BGV: if I send pellisance among my people;

Gary's glad that his mama wasn't born "in Chronicle days, amen, 'cause there's some funny names,  an' there's some  hard names, an' there's some difficult names."

Gary's already in repetitive chanting preacher mode, and he's just making his usual attempt at a joke about reading the names in the bible. Save it for the preaching, dude.

He's taking his text from verse 14, he says, and reads it again.

 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

After some familiar Garyspew, we get a new story.

"When you get revahval, listen hey - you get stirred up, there was a young man, wh- how old was him, Jacob? Do you know how old Josh was, that got saved last week?"
Jacob (instantly): "Twelve."
Gary: "Twelve years old. He walked out - he walked over there to Brother Kilgore, was talkin' t'him an' br- he said 'Ah ah ah ah lahk t'git saved, ah wanna git saved, ah need t'get saved,' 'n' ah don't know if alla that was somma the words, but that was the context of his conversation, an' he says, 'Well you already cometa the Sunday school, ah'm sure you've already been saved.' He said 'Ah've never been saved.'"

Somehow, I imagine that 12-year-old Josh was probably much more eloquent than Gary. Oh, and the second "he" is Kilgore, who, I figured out, is Missionary Jim.

According to Gary, Kilgore took the boy out, "showed him some scriptures an' showed him some things lahk that."

When he came back, Gary thought Mrs. Stout, the pastor's wife "was gonna have a Yankee shoutin' spell there just for a minute amen."

Back to the usual stuff for a while. He doesn't do the usual ritualistic "just for a few minutes, ah wanna preach ohn" presentation of his message title, but I think the theme is How to See Revival.

After some things we've all heard many times, including his salvation story, he gets into talking about having a calling - it has to be from Jesus. "You know what, mah Mama's called me many a things in mah 49 years almost,  ah'm not gonna tellya some them amen. Butchu know what that day - Jesus called. There's a difference when Jesus calls - than when yer Mama calls."

He says that Caleb claims he has the call to preach, and that he hopes it's true.

  Hide contents

Besides looking like he's gained a lot of the weight back (that white is a gapping pocket), Gary's face and eyes look puffy and swollen. Maybe you need to be back on those blood pressure meds, Gary, or Zyrtec, or a low-salt regimen, or something.

He babbles about street preaching in Florida ("ah got outta God's will an' took me to Florida in the summer tahm"), and the pastor they were out there with inviting Jacob to preach. Gary wants God to call Jacob, but it has to be God, not him. He never says whether Jacob preached that day.

After some more familiar stuff, including a reminder to voluntarily use the altar, Gary looks down at his steno pad and dully rattles off the list of what he's mentioned so far in his recipe for revival: "Number one ya gotta be His people number two ya gotta be called number three He's gotta do the calling number four you gotta come on yourself."

Well, OK. I guess.

He screams about having a humble spirit for a while, His vehicle, and yours, belong to Jesus, and if you've got an empty seat in it, when you come to church, "find somebody thatchu kin grab, tah up, whatever you kin do t'git 'em in that seat, an' bring 'em to church amen!"

More familiar stuff follows, including Gary talking about how lucky he is not to be Brother Mike Stout, who is partially paralyzed. He tells them how Mike's wife has to get him out of bed, and how she is a humble servant. "Ah watched the video - his wahf done a pretty good job of humblin' gittin' him cleaned up  and sitting bah Chris t'come t'church every mornin'."

There's a video of Mrs. Stout getting her husband "cleaned up" and dressed for church?

Gary drifts off into some babble about how Sunday school is different from church, and discipling, and makes one of his asides that he's left his original message at this point. He imitates people who are shocked at the idea of four services a week, and says "Ah expect you to be here all week."

A fair amount of this was veering, fragmented stuff, and after what may be his 5th or 6th "am ah makin' sense?" (a few people yell "yes!" or "amen!" every time, damn them), he says some of them are looking at him like he's crazy.

He reads some of verse 14 again, and asks them to "say it with me" when he gets to the word "pray."

He tells them not to give up their Saturday morning prayer breakfasts. "Ah was invahted to two breakfastes yesterday, an' ah declahned both of them." He and Becky mumble-tease something back and forth, but I couldn't catch it. Maybe she's making him decline "breakfastes" so he can resist the devil's temptation to stuff himself.

And on to his usual stuff about praying. Don Green is old and has lots of peoblems (he touches on how hard it is to get him to church, too), but he "will - not - miss - church!" Oh, this is the guy that supposedly prays 10 hours a day, and did, even when he was young and busy.

Citation needed, Gary.

He yammers on about all of the things and people for which they need to pray, then gets on his bit about Jesus telling the disciples to go two by two, and how that's even more important today, so you won't get accused of anything. He tells the story of the woman who came to the door not wearing enough clothes to cover a gnat. Gary was alone, because Becky's back hurt and she'd stayed in the car.

He tells a story that is so garbled that I'm not sure what he's trying to say, but I think the gist is that, when he was driving a school bus in South Dakota, he got called into the principal's office. I think it's because the kids were acting up, but it sounds like he's glad there's technology to show what really happened, because he's afraid of getting accused of something.  But he never says there was a camera on the bus, so it all makes no sense:

"Ah used t'drahve a school bus in South Dakota years ago an' ah didn't know this, ah'm not tech-whatever. Ah don't know, ah got a smart phone ah just don't know what ya do with it amen. Ah did not know this until, one day, the principal come to me an' says 'Ah need to see you in mah office.' Now ah thank God for this. An then it was mah kids was bein' a little bit rowdy an' ah had t'take keer of 'em an' ah said 'Ah'm gonna tell ya, ah went to the principal's office bah mahself one tahm. The next tahm y'all mean, the next tahm y'all act up, you goin' to the principal's office with me. ________(something mumbled about the kids). But you know what ah'm glad they had that on there you say wha - people kin say a lot of things. People kin say anything t'day, an' listen, it don't matter if you got a record, it don't matter anything, we're livin' in a diff'rent tahm amen! "

Anyway, his point is that ladies have to go out soul winning with their pastor. He asks if he's making sense, gets affirmation, and grumbles "Ah'm glad somebody agrees with me, anyway."

Back to verse 14, and this time he stops after "seek my face."

And he goes on about God's will, and how the new pastor had to decide what was God's will (this is the church Gary kept talking about, that lost their pastor, Malcolm LiGreci, who often comments on Gary's Facebook page - Gary makes it sound like he personally found the new guy).

"See, whenever ah contacted Facebook, an' then Brother Chris seen this post. Ah guess - somebody  seen it, mighta been his wahf, ah don't know, he may not be that smart, ah don' know. But, when he seen the post, whoever seen the post, they immediately contacted me." Long pause, to let that sink in.

"An' he immediately started sayin' 'Is this God's will? Do - is this where God wants me? Ah'm doin' - whatever it is that he's doin' in Colorada, do ah need to go where there's a lot more snow amen' - thank God it's you an' not me amen - 'an' ah need to go where there's a lot more lohst people an' ah'm not sure they can even be possible amen it's a pretty wicked state amen! But is that God's will?' An' ah'm hopin' that he started seeking God's face, ______ (mumble)."

He mentions his Facebook post about disqualifications. Of course he makes sure to say "Ain't none of us worthy of anything." And he does some faux groveling. But God chose him.

After some more old familiar stuff about how Gary is in God's will, he returns to verse 14, and stops after "turn from their wicked ways."

He yells about wickedness, including himself, of course, for a while. He alters one of his standard lines: "Go ahead and take yer halos off - yer no gooder than I am."

Yeah, but I bet all of them have better grammar.

More wickedness, then an advertisement for the KJV, which is God and is alive, then lots of the usual screaming. He says that a testimony like Becky's, who got saved as a child and never got into trouble, is better than Dale Morey's dramatic one.

And he blahblahblahs to the end.

Hats off to you. After gary blocked me for asking a question (twice) as to why he coukdnt do actual work, the only place I can listen to.gary is via you tube. I can only get so far. The cupping of the ears..the amen? The grammar and his babbling make both my ears and my brain hurt. I dont think I've made it through a service yet. And. The. Singing.

Definitely agree hes putting back all his weight. Despite waving his arms and dancing around like old timey ministers.

[postscript]

Ah, the wonders of closed captioning! A way to make Gary’s ridiculousness even more ridiculous. Or perhaps make a tad more sense.

”Ratchet” - coupled with that picture, it looks like the ratchet is being applied to Gary’s private parts. 

When I opened the screenshot that starts with “number four,” my initial reaction was that he was talking about a new kind of poop. Perhaps because I’ve spent the last week in a medical facility, which is a somewhat poop-obsessed place. Though perhaps “number four” is as good a euphemism as any for the kind of shit Gary shovels. 

in the same picture, he says “you gotta humble yourself,” but the screenshot captures him strutting across the platform with a self-satisfied smirk on his face. 

Based on these pictures, he’s definitely putting the weight back on. His shirts and pants are looking tight. 

Edited to add - “how old was him?” Even for Gary, that grammar is lacking. In anyone else, I might find it charming, but in Gary, it’s further proof of his ignorance. However, I’m pretty sure he sees his linguistic faults and folksy manner as a matter of pride, rather than a lack of education. 

Edited September 9, 2021 by postscript
Added a thought.

[thoughtful]

3 hours ago, postscript said:

”Ratchet” - coupled with that picture, it looks like the ratchet is being applied to Gary’s private parts. 

Oh, yeah - look at that! I was so focused on the words, I didn't even notice the pose.

3 hours ago, postscript said:

“how old was him?” Even for Gary, that grammar is lacking. In anyone else, I might find it charming, but in Gary, it’s further proof of his ignorance. However, I’m pretty sure he sees his linguistic faults and folksy manner as a matter of pride, rather than a lack of education.

He does. I think this one was a genuine error, as it happens.

There are things about Gary's way of speaking that don't always come through when typed out. One is pace and rhythm. A lot of the weirder word choices and repetition of meaningless filler phrases happen when he is going very fast, pouring out a torrent of words.

Sometimes veering off to add an aside, go off on a tangent, or ask Becky or Jacob something will do it, too.

And this was both - he was zooming along at warp nine, then decided to check with Jacob - a bad combination for a mind that already struggles with words like Gary's does.

[Black Aliss]

13 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary strides manfully to the front, carrying his towel-wrapped bible

Why does he wrap his bible in a towel? To keep the sand off it when he takes Becky to the beach? Speaking of which, I had to read this article because I was so sure it was going to be about Gary. If not Gary, then Bud Righteous or the PP. But no, just some other sanctimonious asshole. Some other asshole who actually got fired when the videos went viral.

Christian Man Driven By 'Righteous Anger' To Berate Women For Wearing Bathing Suits At The Beach

 

[FiveAcres]

22 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

Why does he wrap his bible in a towel? To keep the sand off it when he takes Becky to the beach? Speaking of which, I had to read this article because I was so sure it was going to be about Gary. If not Gary, then Bud Righteous or the PP. But no, just some other sanctimonious asshole. Some other asshole who actually got fired when the videos went viral.

Christian Man Driven By 'Righteous Anger' To Berate Women For Wearing Bathing Suits At The Beach

 

Sometimes I worry that Colorado Man is going to be right up there with Florida Man as a phrase. 🙄

[Xan]

1 hour ago, Black Aliss said:

Why does he wrap his bible in a towel? To keep the sand off it when he takes Becky to the beach? 

This has puzzled me too.  Is it to keep his new Bible clean?  Does he sweat so much that he needs to wipe his hands somewhere?  Does he think it makes him look holier to have his Bible wrapped up?  If so, why a bath towel?  Wouldn't a scarf or piece of linen be more holy than a bath towel?

14 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 He tells a story that is so garbled that I'm not sure what he's trying to say, but I think the gist is that, when he was driving a school bus in South Dakota, he got called into the principal's office. I think it's because the kids were acting up, but it sounds like he's glad there's technology to show what really happened, because he's afraid of getting accused of something.  But he never says there was a camera on the bus, so it all makes no sense:

 

"Ah used t'drahve a school bus in South Dakota years ago an' ah didn't know this, ah'm not tech-whatever. Ah don't know, ah got a smart phone ah just don't know what ya do with it amen. Ah did not know this until, one day, the principal come to me an' says 'Ah need to see you in mah office.' Now ah thank God for this. An then it was mah kids was bein' a little bit rowdy an' ah had t'take keer of 'em an' ah said 'Ah'm gonna tell ya, ah went to the principal's office bah mahself one tahm. The next tahm y'all mean, the next tahm y'all act up, you goin' to the principal's office with me. ________(something mumbled about the kids). But you know what ah'm glad they had that on there you say wha - people kin say a lot of things. People kin say anything t'day, an' listen, it don't matter if you got a record, it don't matter anything, we're livin' in a diff'rent tahm amen! "

I don't understand this story at all.  If Gary had any sense, he wouldn't have added this into his sermon.  It sure sounds like he got into some trouble.  He admits that he isn't tech savvy so I suppose a camera caught him berating or punishing a student. 

I did rather enjoy him playing the devil.  Of course, Gary's no actor.  As the line goes, if he fell overboard he couldn't act wet.  But there is something essentially evil about Gary and it comes through even when he's trying to hide it.

[AmazonGrace]

1 hour ago, Black Aliss said:

Why does he wrap his bible in a towel?

 

He is going to read the story of the Towel of Babel.

[thoughtful]

2 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

Why does he wrap his bible in a towel? To keep the sand off it when he takes Becky to the beach?

I figure that Gary's hands, like his face, get very sweaty when he preaches.

On to September 6, still at Bethel in King Ferry NY. Gary is already in the pulpit when the video begins, blabbing about how kids are going off to school and parents can't wait to get them out, because they've been "pullin' thar hars out all summer an' last year when they didn't have school."

"But ah can tellya this much - ya cain't let school keep ya from goin' t'church."

And he starts in on, I kid you not, people not wanting to come to evening church events due to their child's bedtime. He says "either mah father and mother were a child abuser and they wasn't, or chil- parents today are child abusers, amen?"

And he goes on about the good old days when he went to revivals every night, then to bed, and still got up for school. That may explain a lot - Gary probably slept soundly through a lot of school.

"God's been good an' so uh - you kin use - ah tell me an' mah wahf we was somethin' - we left our songbook back - uh we're stayin' over in Groton, and uh we left our songbook over there, an' we use all these different excuses. See, we either in th'ministry together or we not in the ministry at all. Amen? 'S'everybody agree with that? An' we kin blame anybody and everybody we wanna blame, but here's the thing, you better go ahead an' use yer excuses now, because when ya meet God there won't be no ___________ (drowned out by men agreeing)."

"Am ah makin' sense? Ah ain't bein' mean, ah'm not bein' ugly, ah know Brother Chris said ah beat y'all up yesterday. Now- ah - y'all kin use that term, that's fahn, but ah wanna be honest with ya. Ah like what the brother said before he left yesterday - we need the truth told today."

Gary goes on with his usual crap about accepting hard preaching even if it upsets his apple cart, etc. and gives them some guilt about needing to be there every evening, especially Friday, for a special message. He tells the story of his grandmother saying his step-grandfater, Ernest, needing a message he missed by missing church. He promises that, even if he rubs their cat the wrong way this week, it will be biblical.

"Is ever'body alraht? You say 'This is only Mondee naht an' you already started pretty rough.' Well, ah'm just bein' honest withya. Children are a whole lot different today."

Bringing up children again was a total non-sequitur - out of a clear blue sky. He goes on:

"What was it, ah don' know who it mahta been this lady raht here was talkin' bout she hin - she was glad that she was raisin' her chil'ren back in THEE day. Now ahwahnna say ah will say this - if the social service workers woulda knew mah momma an' mah daddy, it woulda been child abuse."

He goes on about children's behavior reflecting on the parents. Well, not in those words, of course.

"Ah'm givin' you Bahble tonaht. An' if you don't lahk Bahble, you gohn' haveta take it up with God He's th'one that had it inspahred amen."

So Gary, do you, by any chance, have a Bible reading and message for this evening? Six minutes (possibly more, since he was already there when the video started) have gone by, while you bullshit.

He annouces John chapter 1, claims he's been pondering on it, rambles about the special message on Friday again, jokes about being ready to escape if he makes them mad.

That makes him think of an upcoming project at the church to put in or repair some stairs, and that makes him think of a story. Let's see if I can translate it from Weenese to English for you.

There was a singing group (the name is a mumble, but is sounds like "McCandless," and I think it might be this group) that went to churches, and sometimes did funny things. Once, they went to a church, and "they was pictures of people in caskets all across the walls."

They asked why, and found out it was "one them snake handlin' churches." Gary takes a detour to tell them how much he hates snakes, how he will kill snakes, etc.

Back to the story. "They got to singin' an' God got to movin'  - they thought God was movin', we're not sure yet, but anyway, but they started bringin' their snakes."

Or, as the captioning would have it:

Spoiler

One of the singers asked where the back door was, a church member said they don't have one, and the singer said "I wonder where they wanna put it amen. Alraht, John chapter 1."

And yet . . . he still doesn't read. He swigs from his water bottle and tells them that the reason he doesn't start his videos until it's time for him to speak is "that Pivo thing that somebody give me" only gives him about an hour. It's not that he thinks he's more important than anything else that's happening at church, etc., you know the drill. And if that's all the Pivo will do, "it's goin' in the trash amen."

We're eight minutes in, at this point.

"Genesis chapter 1, startin' in verses 43."

Wait - what happened to John?

This has gotten so long, even though Gary hasn't even started his reading, let alone his message, yet, that I think I shall keep you all in suspense about where in the Bible Gary is wandering at the moment, and continue with another post.

[postscript]

1 hour ago, Black Aliss said:

Why does he wrap his bible in a towel? To keep the sand off it when he takes Becky to the beach? Speaking of which, I had to read this article because I was so sure it was going to be about Gary. If not Gary, then Bud Righteous or the PP. But no, just some other sanctimonious asshole. Some other asshole who actually got fired when the videos went viral.

Christian Man Driven By 'Righteous Anger' To Berate Women For Wearing Bathing Suits At The Beach

 

The towel-wrapped Bible makes even less sense in the light of the recent argument about physical Bible versus phone Bible. If Gary wants people to see that he’s reading his Bible and ask about it, why cover it with a towel? 

That article is mind-boggling. The guy berates women for wearing “pornographic” bathing suits but is fine with whatever suit his girlfriend has on? He’s OK with men going shirtless because “that’s different?” Holy double standard, Batman. 

[thoughtful]

26 minutes ago, Xan said:

Is it to keep his new Bible clean?  Does he sweat so much that he needs to wipe his hands somewhere?

He did it with the old one, as well. And, yeah, sweaty hands was my theory - not to wipe them (he uses his hanky for that), but to protect the Bible.

 

27 minutes ago, Xan said:

I don't understand this story at all.  If Gary had any sense, he wouldn't have added this into his sermon.  It sure sounds like he got into some trouble.  He admits that he isn't tech savvy so I suppose a camera caught him berating or punishing a student. 

Gary having no sense is something I count on! 😁 His inability to have a clue about how bad he makes himself look is rock-solid, isn't it?

It is hard to say what happened, from his description. A camera may have caught him being too harsh, and he was trying to blame the kids' behavior for whatever tactic he resorted to, hence the bit about wanting them to come with him to the principal's office next time they act up.

Maybe he threatened to beat them, and the principal had to explain why that would get them sued. At least we know he didn't "cuss," just may have thrown in an angry "bless God" or  "Hallelujah."

And maybe Gary's bravado about taking them with him next time was not original at all, and actually what the principal suggested. I can imagine a principal saying something like "Next time, just speak calmly to them, but tell them you will be bringing them to my office, then follow up and bring them," to just take it out of Gary's hands.

His routine about needing a witness, and hinting that someone might accuse them of sexual harassment, is a standard Gary riff.

[Jasmar]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

He annouces John chapter 1, claims he's been pondering on it, rambles about the special message on Friday again, jokes about being ready to escape if he makes them mad.

Gary’s persecution fantasies are on par with Jillrod’s, but more effusive. It got me wondering what he would actually do, in real life, if a bunch of church guys rushed the podium and started beating on him. Of course this would never happen, but it does make me wonder how he would actually respond if life and limb were honestly in danger. One thing I know for sure, he would not be swaggering around bragging how spiritually tough he is, how much he longs for the electric chair.

[thoughtful]

As the 9/6 video continues, Gary reads:  "The day follerin' Jesus would go forth t'the Galilee, would go forth inta Galilee and find the Phillip and sayeth unto him foller me." 

Ah, that can't be Genesis, although Gary wouldn't understand how I know that. Because Jesus was in all of those Torah stories, in his mind.

BTW, the verse actually says: The day following Jesus would go forth into Galilee, and findeth Philip, and saith unto him, Follow me.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+1%3A43-51&version=KJV

According to Gary, Phillip was of "uh - Bethasaya" - not too bad, for a Gary reading of Bethsaida. Again, the KJV transliteration is partly to blame. I forget sometimes that everybody's brain doesn't always know what they are supposed to represent. The original would be pronounced, roughly. "Bet-tsah-EED-uh."

KJV: Philip findeth Nathanael, and saith unto him, We have found him, of whom Moses in the law, and the prophets, did write, Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.
Bro Gary Version: Findeth - Peter - Philip findess Nathanael, and said unto him, We have found him, of whom Moses in the laws, and the prophets, did write, uh, did write Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.

Later, he reverses the problem he usually has with saying "Lazaruth" for Lazarus, and pronounces Nazareth as "Nazarus." All of the "saith"s become "said."

KJV: And he saith unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Hereafter ye shall see heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of man.
BGV: And he said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto. You, Hereafter ye shall see. Heaven open and the angels of God ascendin' and descendin' upon the Son. Of God.

He re-reads verse 46, getting Nazareth correct this time:  And Nathanael said unto him, Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth?

He burbles about how this was in his Bible reading that day, and how Lester Roloff used to preach on whatever he read from the Bible that day, but Gary's not doing it just because Roloff did it (HA!), but he always prays for God to give him something he's never gotten before, whenever he reads the Bible.

Ah got t'thinkin'. An' we know that Jesus was a good thing, amen?"

He goes on to remind them that this "good thing" created Heaven, and will keep you from going to Hell, if you believe.

With the help of the Lord, Gary wants to preach on Can Any Good Thing Come Out of You? Can Any Good Thing Come Out of You?

After a reminder that there's nothing good in any of them except for Jesus, he explains that God didn't have to achieve salvation by dying on the cross. "He coulda done it the Walmart way, the robot way, pee - havin' robots. God's not lookin' for robots."

"Tonaht, you think about yerself in the part - " or, according to the captioning:

Spoiler

Sounds pleasant!

He rants on, and the sentence fragments gradually seem to reveal that he's trying to explain why God would use someone like him, a "religious person," rather than someone who has a dramatic testimony involving drugs and jail, etc. He says he believes he's "done God more harm than a drug ____(? sounds like "indie").

Still on that, eh, Gary? Are you envious of the attention those people get?

After some familiar yelling, we get a bit about the "disqualification" issue again, screaming about how anything their new pastor, Chris did before he got saved is none of Gary's business.

It's possible Gary's been pissy about this issue due to feeling like Chris, who he seems to think he single-handedly found for this church, being challenged in some way. He could be so full of himself that he doesn't even visit the idea that someone could be concerned about his own past.

It's another one of those fundie mysteries. Besides the evil/stupid sliding scale, we also have the arrogant/insecure spectrum to wonder about.

Gary comes down from the pulpit, bloviating about old time preachers he could name that would make them mad (at hearing names? Really, Gary?), and how what he hates about "the hour and the day that we're livin' in" is that the old timers could agree to disagree.

As ever, he claims to be like those old-timers who didn't fight, as long as others get their doctrine right. He's not gonna try to pastor this church, or:

Spoiler

Later, "If ah could git bah with it, ah'd git outta here an' ah wouldn't listen to mahself preach amen?" This gets some hearty chuckles. "But ah'm the man that God chose."

He screams about how he wouldn't have chosen preaching, and the "horror stories" he could tell them about what his daddy went through due to being a preacher.

"That's the only thing that ah regret with mah family an' mah children - they seen some thingssss. Some people hold onto those grudgesss."

And more screaming about how it isn't about him or Chris, it's about Jesus.

OK, now Genesis. "Genesis chapter one . . . that's not what ah want. Genesis chapter  - 39, ah think, ah didn't write - ah wrote down _______ (mumble)."

He says he needs his wife to start making his notes.

Sure, in her copious free time.

Through a long wait, while Gary's inspiring thoughts are "give me just a second," and "ah know it's in here somewhere," and asking the congregation "how many ya remember when Joseph was sold inta slavery - that's what ah'm lookin' for," I wonder if there would be a way to find what he wants quickly, say, by . . . typing in some key words from a story . . . on, oh . . . some sort of a device, perhaps . . .

As soon as he mentions the story he's looking for, two voices, both of them female, call out "39." Now, those women could have the chapter memorized, but I suspect . . . dun dun DUN! the use of electronic devices.

He thanks them, and makes them wait while he writes it down in his steno book.

More later.
 

Edited September 9, 2021 by thoughtful

[postscript]

He likes that the old time preachers could agree to disagree? Does he not remember the discussion of just a couple of days ago about physical versus electronic Bibles? The one in which he pouted and said he’d unfriend people who didn’t believe as he did? Plus the many discussions about being in actual church versus attending church online? The man’s lack of self-awareness is mindboggling. 

He prays for God to give him something new each time he reads the Bible? Then how come so much of what comes out of his mouth is the same old, same old? 

I’m afraid “tonight, you think about yourself in the park” took my mind to a rather dirty place. 

 

[Dana723]

21 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Somehow, I imagine that 12-year-old Josh was probably much more eloquent than Gary.

Somehow, I imagine a 2-year-old with a mouthful of marshmallows is much more eloquent than Gary.

21 hours ago, thoughtful said:

find somebody thatchu kin grab, tah up, whatever you kin do t'git 'em in that seat, an' bring 'em to church amen!

That's called kidnapping and it might just land you in that electric chair you keep fantasizing about, Gar-Bear

[thoughtful]

Continuing 9/6, at Bethel Church of the Pit and the Piano.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+39%3A1-2&version=KJV

KJV: And Joseph was brought down to Egypt; and Potiphar, an officer of Pharaoh, captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him of the hands of the Ishmeelites, which had brought him down thither
BGV: And Joseph was brought down to Egypt; and Potiphr, an officer of the Pharis - Pharaoh, captain of the guys, an Egypt, bought him of the out of the land of Ishma - Ishm'lites, which he brought him down thither.

"Thither" he gets right - go know.

KJV: and he was in the house of his master the Egyptian.
BGV: and he was inna house of his master's - Egypt.

Gary stumbles through the previous story about Joseph's brothers selling him into slavery, then screams for a while about how, if you go in the ministry, you have family that will go against you. He was told he was crazy to take his kids on the road, "an' lettin' 'em learn scripture, an' lettin' 'em learn the Bahble, an' lettin' 'em learn howta sing."

Gary, I'm sure the Bible and singing were not the things your relatives were objecting to, you dishonest shit.

Then he says he thanks "Gawd for mah momma and daddy doin' me that way."

Gary, your parents didn't "do you that way" - as far as I know, they lived in South Carolina, then North Carolina - they didn't wander all over constantly.

Gary wanders down off of the dais again, and screams that, if you are going to let family members discourage you, you might as well not be in the ministry. Or perhaps:

Spoiler

 

A miniature might be cute!

He screams on about family telling him he needs to stop traveling, including his pastor (who is his daddy). But "Ah will not leave the willa God - for people."

And he does still more petulant screaming about how he's not going to change. Then he screams about not criticizing Chris, because "who's the pasture?" "As long as he's follerin' God, git over it!"

And again, we're faced with one of those mysteries that come up with people like Jill and Gary. They can be petulant, and pout and rage about a slight or insult, so it's tempting to assume that somebody said or did something.

But they can also be petulant and pout and rage because they  . . . well, they just can. It's loud, it's attention-getting, it must feel good to them somehow, and sometimes I think they do it all on their own, with no impetus whatsoever.

Back to Joseph's brothers, who were "jallous" because Joseph got "all the pacifiers" and steak every night.

Not at the same age, I hope.

He talks about his seven children getting jealous if one got something, then talks about the VBS last week. "One naht, the chil'ren lit'rally got out of hand."

Gary, I hope they weren't literally in your hand to begin with.

Becky had purchased some candy to give to the kids. "Ah told 'em when ah got in the car, ah said 'Somma you come t'church every Sundee an' what you done was disrespectful an' right - wrong - an' ah didn't lahk it mah wahf had candy an' you ain't gittin' it.'"

Do I need to tell you that this was not said in the matter-of-fact tone of an adult recounting a story of calmly withheld reward as a consequence, but in high neener-neener mode? No? I thought not.

He never makes it clear what that has to do with "jallousy" or Joseph's brothers. He goes on to the story about someone in Michigan joking (I think?) about keeping Gary and another preacher at a camp meeting away from one another because they do the same kind of tent ministry and they might get "jallous" of one another. Then he screams about how he wouldn't get jealous, and needing more laborers in the field.

BTW, Gary has gone on and on about Joseph's brothers and their "jallousy," but has not made any reference to the part of the Biblical story that he actually read. I was hoping for Potiphar's wife and the torn clothes.

Ah, well.

Oh, my - Joshua 2:1-4 is next. This requires its own post. Gary is giving me way too much material!

[Black Aliss]

10 hours ago, AmazonGrace said:

He is going to read the story of the Towel of Babel.

Not the Towel of Babar?

https://fineartamerica.com/shop/bath+towels/babar

Edited September 10, 2021 by Black Aliss

[thoughtful]

3 hours ago, postscript said:

He likes that the old time preachers could agree to disagree? Does he not remember the discussion of just a couple of days ago about physical versus electronic Bibles? The one in which he pouted and said he’d unfriend people who didn’t believe as he did? Plus the many discussions about being in actual church versus attending church online? The man’s lack of self-awareness is mindboggling. 

Isn't it? This has been a constant with Gary for as long as I have been listening to him. He screeches about the good old days when preachers could "agree to disagree" about minor details, and claims he's never been critical or picked a fight.

And then he promptly picks a fight.

"Ah'm not bein' mean, ah'm not bein' ugly" absolutely guarantees that he's about to get really mean and ugly.

Continuing 9/6, at the Bethel House of the Surrounded Steinway.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Joshua+2%3A1-4&version=KJV

KJV: And Joshua the son of Nun sent out of Shittim two men to spy secretly,
BGV: And Joshua the son of Nun sent

Spoiler

The caption is right - I don't know if that's what Gary thinks he sees, or if it's another of his tricks to avoid "cuss words," like calling the obituaries the "dead man part of the paper," or whatever it is he says.

KJV: And they went, and came into an harlot's house, named Rahab, and lodged there.
BDV: And they went, and came into the harlot's house, named rehab, and lodged there.

Well, I understand that residential rehab can be very useful.

Gary's accent got the captioning on this one:

KJV: And the king of Jericho sent unto Rahab
BG and Caption V:

Spoiler

Gary goes on "Here's a woman that's a harlot. Here's a woman that if you wanna know whether she was put in the halla fame, look over in Proverbs chapter 11 an' you'll figger it out real quick-lahk."

Gary says his wife would not let him go hang out at a harlot's house. But God can use people that you would never use.

Gary says we all have skeletons in the "claws't." "There's some things that mah wahf don't even know. But they're under the blood."

He screams for a while about not letting your past stop you - God could use Rahab and said that Lot was a righteous man (even though, if He hadn't, every Baptist preacher would "put him in Hell"), so God can use you.

"Go to first Samuel. No, second Samuel." Gary turns pages for a while. The caption says:

Spoiler

Another potential avatar?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Samuel+11%3A17&version=KJV

Gary's accent gets to the captions again. "Uriah the Hittite died" becomes "Uriah the Hittite dad."

He reminds them that "David slept with Bathsheba. That was Uriah's husb - wife."

Gary goes on to make it sound like David was in the wrong place at the wrong time due to the influence of bad friends, like people who would tell you to stay home from church on Sunday.

Really, Gary? Seems to me David decided to go after Bathsheba on his own. Not to mention that he was in his own place - he had her brought to him.

But he does acknowledge that David sinned, and that his sin caught up with him - at least he doesn't blame Bathsheba for taking a bath. Anyway, his point is that God still used sinning David.

Lots of familiar Garystuff follows, about coming to church a lot.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+11%3A2-3&version=KJV

If even John the Baptist could doubt God, you might also, but get past it.

He blathers about the Stouts' van being in the shop, because it's a 15-passenger van and "they're big on getting children," so the devil broke their van. I think Gary quotes the devil as saying "Ah'ma put a damper in it," but he gets quiet and mumbles, so I'm not sure. In any case, the captioning says:

Spoiler

"Is this OK if ah say this behahnd the pulpit? Lahf sucks sometahms. Amen! It does!"

Really, that's what he says. I like the way the captioning breaks it up:

Spoiler

In fact, I think I need to change my location.

Gary screams about how God would be justified in killing us all, like in that story in Acts about "Sapphire and his wife and husband" who promised money and didn't pay and it turned green and God killed them.

Sapphire?  I didn't know that Amos and Andy was based on the Bible.

He yells about "bein' very keerful" lying, because they were killed for it. But Gary, I thought the whole point of this message is that God can use sinners. We're not very useful if we're dead.

He launches into the story of telling Becky they were going on the road, she told him he was in the wrong prayer closet, how it was even worse for Abraham's wife, etc. He tells them to be very careful telling God that you won't go. He mentions other preachers that have moved, mentioning the states.

Gary says that Pennsylvania doesn't have the best conservatives, but it's not as bad as New York. If God ever tells him to move to New York, "you might be showin' up at mah funeral, amen!"

The captioning seems to think that Pennsylvania is urine:

Spoiler

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+26%3A69-77&version=KJV

The captioning has a bit of trouble with the part about the cock crowing:

Spoiler

 

The point - Peter denied God, but was still chosen to save 3000 on the day of Pentecost. Again, old stuff.

"You remember the story where he was over there fishin' an' Jesus showed up an' he said he was nekkid. Huh? But be very keerful what kinda clothes you wear. HAYMUN! Good preachin' if ah did say it."

Or possibly:

Spoiler

That's a classic Gary pissy face. I love that the captions just skip the HAYMAYUN.

Also, Gary, if God forgave and made use of Peter because he wept bitterly after denying Jesus, why was it so terrible that he got caught fishing alone in his undies (non-KJV-obsessed scholars seem to feel he was not totally nude, but then, Gary would still call that "nekkid"), put on a coat and dove into the water (implying that he repented of that much smaller sin, as well?).

Ah, well - it's Gary. People being underdressed at the beach is an obsession of his.

And, with no segue, warning or reasoning, he goes straight to ignoring the separation of church and state. Because Gary.

He yells, rising to a shriek as he goes along: "You claim to be saved, right? Listen, ah unnerstand, schools have some rules, ah drove a school bus in South Dakota ah unnerstand to the certain extent, there'll be a preacher here this Lor - this week Lord's will that teaches at a public school an' some way somehow 'nuther when he's teachin' this false junk that they teach AMEN he he trahs t'get a little bitta gospel in because them chil'ren need t'hear about Gawd, amen!"

After this little bit of praising lawbreakers, Gary screams his lie about telling President Nez "the blood's gonna be on your hands."

He yells about the wicked governors in North Carolina and New York, then gets back to sneaking God into public schools. He claims he was told, when driving a school bus in South Dakota (man, he's focused on that right now) that he wasn't allowed to mention God unless he was cussing. He told them he doesn't cuss God.

This next is more likely to be true - he says they told him "You can't mention God unless they mention God." I assume "they" means the students, and Gary goes on: "Honey, ah'd make a child - ah could twist some things around and make a child ask. An' ah did it sometahm. Ya say 'Wha?' Chil'ren need th'Lor."

I'm disgusted that Gary felt the need to fool kids into talking about Jesus, but, Gary being Gary, I guess I should just be glad of two things:

1. It wasn't their arms he was twisting, just words.

2. It has been many years since he did that job, and he shows no sign of wanting to work in a public school setting again.

More crap about evangelizing to everyone you meet follows - again, all old stuff.

More later.

[thoughtful]

Finishing up Gary's 9/6 rant about God using sinners to break the law of the US and do other fun things.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+27%3A1-4&version=KJV

Gary says that "the cause of Jesus comin' t'earth was to save man."

But I think the captions can read his real thoughts:

Spoiler

"Jesus dahd on your sins. An' when you don't come to church faithfully, you're crucifying Jesus."

Gary says his wife lets him go on vacation once every other six years, and "some of y'all'll get that after a whahl amen."

The captions have moved PA from the bladder back to the US:

Spoiler

This is his bit about going to church even when he's on vacation - old stuff again. He adds the usual crap about never missing church unless you're sick, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together.

"Now ah'm gon' say this much. Ah b'lieve God may have some mercy on some doctors an' some nurses. Pastor Jeffrey Carpenter, ah dunno how many of you know him, but he is in the hospital with Covid, and is not doin' good the last ah heard. Need t'pray for him. You know what? He went before Sundee, an' ah'll betchu one thing he's glad there was some doctors an' nurses. So ah'm not gonna say on that part, whatever, but ah'm talkin' about whenever it comes to you makin' excuses" and he's off and running condemning people for not coming to church, as usual.

I think Gary is trying to say that it was OK for doctors and nurses to be working on Sunday, because this good Christian man needed them. Nice of you, Gary.

Then he goes on about how their new pastor, Chris Howe, works all week (I guess he has a non-pastoring job as well), then works at the church Saturdays and Sundays. He says that Chris claims to get up at 3:30 every morning.

A woman's voice says "I can attest to that." I hope it's Mrs. Howe. Gary jokes that Jesus isn't even up that early.

Then he goes off on a tangent about needing people to write some Christian books, because there's so much "false junk" out there (Chris writes books), and imitates people who are terrified at the idea of four hours of church every week. Again.

He repeats lots of old stuff, including the ever-present, ever-unbelievable chant of how unworthy he thinks he is.

After yet another reference to the fact that he speaks Hillbilly, not English, Gary says a man in South Dakota tried to teach his father English, and gave up after two tries.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+8%3A3&version=KJV

Gary does his usual riff about Saul being a persecutor of the church, then gets completely bogged down trying to tell a story, flinging out sentence fragments about where it took place, and trying to remember a name. He actually points at Becky when he asks "What is his name, Becky? The deacon."

Spoiler

Demanding little tyrant.

She isn't sure, and they freeze silently for a while. They remember eventually - it sounds like Nick Blodges to me, but the captions say:

Spoiler

Nick Logic. Is that anything like Nick Danger?

Nick used to drive by the church and say something about "them Jesus people." And now he's a deacon of the church.

Gary thinks his uncle is in heaven, but he used to talk smack about preachers. Well, OK, Gary doesn't word it that way. He says his uncle "couldn't keep his mouth off of his preacher and preachers that came through."

Now, doesn't "talk smack" sound a lot more pleasant? 😁

Gary thinks that none of those cousins (he can't remember if there are three or four) go to church because their father said things about preachers. He thinks his cousins will split Hell wide open.

Gary, the captioning is not too bad dealing with your accent and screaming. But when you get soft and mumble, strange things happen. Gary says "You better be very careful talkin' about the man of God," but:

Spoiler

Gary doesn't know if Chris will "have the guts" to have him back again next year, but, as long as he sticks with doctrine, Bible and God, they "might as well suck it up."

There's a ringing endorsement.

He mocks and imitates people who leave churches because their feelings get hurt, and says he's never heard of anyone leaving a church for "Biblical reasons."

Oh, he remembers that he was talking about Saul/Paul. He was a persecutor, and had to reap what he sowed (hey, he got the order right!). But God still used him. Paul worked, as well as church planting, and Gary jokes that he thinks Paul made his tent.

And again, he gets into talking about things Chris might have done in his past, and how, if they know of something, they might not even want him to preach. Gary doesn't know of anything, but he says Chris has asked God for forgiveness.

Way to hint broadly, dude. I have no idea if there is actually any controversy (or consoversy, as Gary would say) about Chris, but Gary sure is making him sound shady, as he tries to defend him.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+3%3A17&version=KJV

Gary drifts off into talking about someone who preached somewhere and some woman (he gets some names, misses others) who texted Becky this morning that she got saved. He screams about that for a while - she'd been in church all her life, but just realized she was lost.

The captions think that "Baptist" is just "bad" this time.

Spoiler

Now I'm picturing Gary entering a jail cell with Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder.

He does his riff about how he deals with Catholics, and tells a story of a lost man who, when told he needed to get saved, accused the saved person of living in sin, and shamed them into getting right. Then the lost man got saved.

If you don't agree with Gary, you have the right to be wrong. You better make sure you're saved.

Brother Kilgore was in Florida and talking to a pastor, his wife, and a deacon, and they realized they weren't saved, and got saved.

Some old familiar babble follows, including rattling off the date and story of his own salvation, and the video cuts him off in mid-sentence.

[clese]

Pastor friends of bro Gary's are changing they're fb headings to this.

General Lee was the champion god fearing genius of the world according to them.

How they must be feeling with the vaccine mandate must be dpinning theyre heads off

[postscript]

Closed captioning really did itself proud! Between its misinterpretations of Gary’s ramblings and Gary’s own malapropisms, this particular message was comedy gold. 

The closed captioned cussing seems to get at Gary’s real thoughts, I strongly suspect that in his pre-salvation days, he was no stranger to cussing and drinking (and perhaps other controlled substances). He just doesn’t want to admit to it. 

“Shipment men” sounds like Joshua used Amazon Prime trucks to spy on his neighbors. 

“Rehab” seems like an appropriate name for a harlot (or a harlot’s house). Though I’m currently dealing with post-surgical rehab so it has a slightly different personal connotation. Let’s hope Rahab’s Biblical Rehab had a good success rate! 

“Peter and the cockroach” sounds like a children’s book. Perhaps we could suggest it to Sarah Maxwell? 

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, postscript said:

The closed captioned cussing seems to get at Gary’s real thoughts, I strongly suspect that in his pre-salvation days, he was no stranger to cussing and drinking (and perhaps other controlled substances). He just doesn’t want to admit to it. 

I can tell you that Gary hints at the idea that he "cussed" and drank before he was saved, but I can't remember him ever flat-out admitting to those activities.

He says something like "I didn't quit drinking, I just changed mah drink" sometimes, but I can't tell if it's just a line he likes, or if he is actually referring to giving up liquor for . . . the blood of Jesus?  John the Baptist juice? A salvation smoothie?

He has an oft-told tale of trying marijuana, twice. He says that God protected him from getting high from it, so he wouldn't get addicted.

[thoughtful]

Oh, Gary . . .

Spoiler

And, there are some more comments under the second "real Bible" post. Will seems paranoid. I think there's already a "nut" in Mike Croft's church, and it's him:

Spoiler

Oh, and @clese, Gary's Facebook picture is still strutting, yelling Gary, pointing up Becky's nose. He much prefers himself to that Lee dude.