Lori Alexander 25: A Wife Is a Good *Thing*

[Curious]

I don't have Lori's book in front of me atm, but in one place she talks about working and the proverbs woman that she insists never left her house even though that's not what the bible says.  She had an excerpt from John McArthur (I believe) where he goes on about how much of a hard worker she was and how she went out and did all this stuff outside the house.

It's like she didn't even read the excerpt.  It just covered the verses she wanted so she used it.   

[Emilycharlotte]

It wouldn't surprise me if she didn't read it, or read it but forgot what it said. I don't think she is totally in touch with reality, tbh.  

 

[sawasdee]

8 minutes ago, Emilycharlotte said:

I don't think she is totally in touch with reality, tbh.  

I think that over the last year or so (maybe since the 'viral post'?), she's steadily been losing contact with reality. Her posts have become more incoherent, extreme and self contradictory, her deleting has amped up, and she seems to have no tolerance for any form of disagreement.

I am seriously worried about her mental heaalth.

(Her spiritual health is definitely appalling).

 

[TeddyBonkers]

Lori's vacation is still ongoing, yes? I hope she's taking allllllll the time she needs to recuperate from the hard work she puts in as a...a...fuck, I can't even call her a housewife, because she fully admits that she spends all her time on the internet, monitoring her various Facebook pages.

I've been "on vacation" for a week, at my mom and dad's house. My dad has cancer, and so instead of lounging around on a lake, snapping Instagram-worthy photos and wearing defrauding shorts, I've been covering down on his chores to give my mom a vacation. Said chores include feeding cattle twice a day, herding goats out of the garden, and driving Dad to his daily radiation treatments. Mom needs to be able to take some time for herself, but she's in the middle of canning season-so I'm helping out with that. We've made over 2 dozen quarts of pickles in the past 4 days, and prepped nearly 5 gallons of sauerkraut.

I don't want it to seem that I begrudge anyone a vacation. I do know that Lori's mom is ill and her dad is getting up there in years. She wouldn't lift a finger to help them if she was in my size sevens. I'm sorry, y'all. I'm pissed and Lori's a fucking monster.

[usmcmom]

Warning: humble brag ahead. 

We were planning a trip to London in December to see our dear friends. We were going to take our kids and their families with us and it was going to be fantastic! 

Since my mother in law has stage 4 cancer, I suggested we cancel London and do a trip within the states. That way, if an emergency arises with my husband's mother, we can be home in a few hours.  We will also stay away about five days instead of ten. 

I cannot imagine going on a seven week vacation when a parent was terminally ill. Are her parents with her?  I know they can get home fairly easily and families handle this kind of thing differently. Still, I wonder about Lori's mindset with her mother's illness. 

 

[TeddyBonkers]

@usmcmom, humble brag away. Reading your comments gives me a good perspective, and I thank you. My husband had 2 options for his next duty station, one stateside and one in Europe. He chose stateside. While it has long been a desire of mine to live in Europe, with my father's health issues, it makes more sense to be stateside and a (relatively) inexpensive plane ride away. 

 

[PennySycamore]

@TeddyBonkers and @usmcmom,   to you both.  Both of you have your heads and hearts on straight.

[Red Hair, Black Dress]

One of the FB comments is from a 54 year old unmarried woman, who finally went to college in her 40s after years of, one assumes, low paying jobs after high school:

Quote

I just wanted to be a wife and a mother since I was a little girl, did not get a college education when I was young. By the time I went to college in my 40's, I had missed out on a lot of financial benefits of being educated after high school. So in my opinion, it is never bad to teach a child to go to college

Lori of course sticks to her tired mantra that college is evil, working women are evil and sinning, women who work because they "have to" aren't sinning but are effing up their children forever and her biggie-- just pray and God/ churches will provide.  

Oh yeah and if your husband abandoned you, left you with nothing but your children aren't literally starving -- well it's not that bad so just shut up and pray harder,

S, whose husband has abandoned the family says this:

Quote

What about caring for us that have been left behind? I've devoted our married life to our family and now he's gone. BTW, last Friday he initiated the divorce proceedings. I have NOTHING to help the girls and me, what do I do? Set up a GoFundMe acct and ask Christians to help? 

(separate post)

Quote

No church is trying to help. We get a lot of we're praying for you, and I desperately need and believe in that. But honestly, IF I could get a kidney onto the black market, I would! This last week our dogs went three days with out food, I didn't have milk for my girls, and those are the small bills/items. HOW do we live ..

Lori tells her to get rid of the dogs and says suffering is good for you -- because she's suffered:

Quote

God uses suffering for our good. I know. I've physically suffered for many years and it's strengthened my faith. So far, you haven't gone hungry and you have a roof over your head.For this, be thankful and continue to trust the Lord. For essentials, you can set up an Amazon account of what you need and share it in the chat room. I am sure many women will help you buy them but learn to trust in the Lord; for He cares for you. Like I said, HE is your provider and protector.

I wonder how much Lori plans to buy for S to help the family out?

Interestingly Lori is getting some push back on the church support thing that she believes is happening everywhere.  i suspect this response will be gone soon.

Quote

Lori, the reality is that the Church cannot replace the earnings a husband brings to a family. As a member of many large, healthy churches that did a good job of caring for their members, there was never a circumstance in which the church was able to replace the material support that a woman loses when a she loses her husband. Our society and economy are so different now that it isn't possible. Yes, we can help, and we should. But we cannot replace $40,000+ in annual earnings for every widow and every woman whose husband is disabled or who walks out on his family. It may be a convenient way to respond to my post, but how do you suggest this actual work in practice? The reality is that women suffer greatly (as Sandi explains) when the unforeseen happens, even when the church tries to help. We don't do women any favors by telling them that the church will simply step into the gap. We all know it isn't that simple.

TL; DR  I hate Lori. I hate her with the heat of 10.000 burning suns, I hate her smug entitled answers to women in crisis -- just suffer more because it's good for you.  I hate that she tells women who work to support their families they are effing up their children forever,  I hate her implication to every abandoned wife that somehow the hubby leaving is the wife's fault.

If I didn't continually try to be a better person than I sometimes am, I'd fervently wish that Ken would leave Lori high and dry for a younger, legging & thong clad, smart, not submissive cutie with a career who'd give him more than 5 minutes and some lube, and "cook" more than big salads,  

Not that Ken deserves that, but Lori deserves to have to figure out how to live on her church's non-existent charity. Lori, just pray harder and embrace your suffering. It's good for you.  

That would be my wish -- if I wasn't always working to be a better person

[EowynW]

I was raised like the duggar girls. It sucked. It's depressing and panicking to be 30 years old with no post high school education. You can't get jobs. Even librarian and bank teller these days want a degree plus several years of experience.  I have had so many breakdowns, bouts of depression and panic attacks about this. I alternate from being furious at my parents and the system to angry at myself for letting it happen. There's no way to win. We make it on Mr's income plus my simple part time job. But the feeling of not being able to help more is gut wrenching.  I have spent days at a time crying about it.I work hard at home to  "pay my way" but I still feel sick about it. It doesn't bother Mr. EW he assures me constantly it's our money, we are fine. I am fine.  And we won't be raising our kids like we were raised. But i feel like  my life was wasted and I am ruined. I  crying as I type this

[Loveday]

Some more gold from today's comments:

From a man (bet Lori won't delete him! ):

Quote

Not one verse instructs people to play tennis or ping pong and yet many people play these sports for exercise. My point: absence of something isn't proof of condemnation.

And a woman replies:

Quote

I agree. I have always loved this page, but lately, this one subject has been pushed to the point of making women feel guilty for being a helpmate to their husbands - in whatever way it is needed in today's world. I married young, I had two kids. I stayed home. Nine years later, he wanted a divorce and I didn't even know how to write a check or fill out a job application. It was not God's will for me to be in that position with no idea how to live. A woman needs to have something to fall back on if her husband dies, leaves, whatever. And yes, God can take care of you, but he also expects you to have common sense and be able to take care of your own basic needs. In today's world, sometimes women have to work. God is NOT angry with them for it. Now, if work becomes an idol and is placed before family and God, then yes, it is wrong. If a woman can afford to stay home, especially when children are young, and homeschool kids then that is wonderful. But if she cannot afford it, has no help, needs to help her husband pay bills, or has no husband, I do NOT believe that God frowns down on her for taking care of herself and her family.

Yep. Eyes are finally opening. 

[Red Hair, Black Dress]

EowynW.  30 isn't old. Your life is not over. You are not ruined.

Have you  and Mr. W considered you going to college/ community college/ trade school for more education/ certification? I know education debt makes people crazy. but perhaps student loans is an option for you.

Some universities have work study programs that place you in a job in your field every other semester in order to get work experience and make contacts -- often a job offer results.

You had the courage and the strength to leave fundie-dom behind.  You can do this education thing. {{hugs}}

[usmcmom]

An email, huh?  How about you publish the email?  A screenshot with the name and address redacted would be fine. Just something that show us it actually, you know, exists?  I mean, you've never bothered with privacy or discretion before; so why start now??  

Also, why wouldn't this working woman just comment on the blog or n Facebook?  Just a few questions Inhave for your wife, @Ken.  

It is embarrassing to think of a nearly sixty year old woman making up lies to prove a point on her blog; especially on a topic that she has BEATEN INTO THE GROUND. Surely, that's not happening, is it?!? 

[Koala]

Lori:

Quote

 I can’t think of one good reason for women to go to college or have careers

Again, if you can't think of one good reason for women to go to college, then why did your daughter go?

28 minutes ago, EowynW said:

But i feel like  my life was wasted and I am ruined. I  crying as I type this

Well, I personally don't believe that for a minute.  Just from reading what you write here, you come across as very intelligent and well spoken.  I have no doubt that you can do whatever you want to do, in spite of the way you were raised.  Have faith in yourself.  

[feministxtian]

@EowynW Sending you hugs. I'm so glad your hubby supports you and doesn't make you feel crappy. You've got a good guy there. 

I struggle too...no job, fkd up back, etc. 

I think that maybe the pendulum has swung too far in one direction...that is, women tying their self-worth and identity to their careers and/or ability to make money. Now...before you all crucify me...let me explain. 

Y'all know I fkd up my back in that car accident, right? And, I have been unemployed. Now, I realize that for a long time, I tied my self-worth and my identity to a job title and a paycheck. When it was taken away from me, I had and have NO idea who I am. I have no hobbies, because my time was spent working, caring for my bitch of a mother, and my kids. There was no time for anything else. Now, that's all gone and I have NO idea who the hell I am. I feel old, useless and worthless. 

There has to be some sort of middle ground...

 

[Koala]

Side note- Lori used to be okay with women without children having careers and going to college.  She is becoming much more extreme in her thinking.

[lilwriter85]

It's good to see that some people are finally opening up their eyes to Lori's shitty views and BS.

I liked that someone called her out on the supposed claims about churches always helping widows and orphans. Lori fails to understand as that commenter said that churches don't have the resources to replace a husband's salary for years and years. Many churches have limits to how much financial help they give and pastors often refer people to government agencies or private charities or non-profits. On the Always Learning blog, there were a couple of incidents when Lori and a couple of fangirls kept claiming that churches helped widows out. But, they gave no evidence of the churches doing it for years. 

Lori and Ken have previously admitted to not tithing. I also suspect that neither one has ever read financial statements that are released by the churches they attend or have attended in the past. I know they attended a mega church and maybe Lori  thought that church could help widows and their children for years and years. But, sometimes mega churches have to draw the line in order to prevent financial problems later on.

 

[EowynW]

13 minutes ago, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

EowynW.  30 isn't old. Your life is not over. You are not ruined.

Have you  and Mr. W considered you going to college/ community college/ trade school for more education/ certification? I know education debt makes people crazy. but perhaps student loans is an option for you.

Some universities have work study programs that place you in a job in your field every other semester in order to get work experience and make contacts -- often a job offer results.

You had the courage and the strength to leave fundie-dom behind.  You can do this education thing. {{hugs}}

It's something we are bouncing around. But the debt would crush us right now. Right now I'm still trying to figure out what I'm good at & what I enjoy doing. This sounds so pathetic, but I honestly don't know. Gifts and talents were not cultivated in my previous life except for serving in church and playing in the family band. It's a healing process, I am finding. I'm only a year out of fundiedom. Right now I just feel weary with everything. 

[Koala]

Not only have they admitted to not tithing, they've suggested it might be a sin.  

Lori (again):

Quote

I will never tell a young women to get an education since it has done nothing but destroy our culture.

Lori- at least tell them your daughter who "walks with God" went to college.  Tell them the truth.  College is fine for your daughter, just not their daughters.

[Chocolatedefrauded]

I suspect she has no idea what regular colleges are like. I went to a big state university, well-respected & inexpensive. There were lots of religious groups for students - BASIC, Newman House, Jewish cafeteria/ Chabad House, Muslim groups. Every flavor of Christianity. They held services in the main student center or nearby location. Chaplains had offices on campus & regular office hours.

A student would not have to look hard to find a religious group that they felt comfortable with there. The groups hosted many events & even worked together occasionally. Some students formed their whole social group within their religious group. Retreats and other events were offered to further your faith.

The university also offered many religious courses on the various faiths. You could major in religious studies. I met a student who was trying to decide if he was called to be a Catholic priest. It is not a given that people lose their faith the moment they step on a college campus.

[EowynW]

10 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

@EowynW Sending you hugs. I'm so glad your hubby supports you and doesn't make you feel crappy. You've got a good guy there. 

I struggle too...no job, fkd up back, etc. 

I think that maybe the pendulum has swung too far in one direction...that is, women tying their self-worth and identity to their careers and/or ability to make money. Now...before you all crucify me...let me explain. 

Y'all know I fkd up my back in that car accident, right? And, I have been unemployed. Now, I realize that for a long time, I tied my self-worth and my identity to a job title and a paycheck. When it was taken away from me, I had and have NO idea who I am. I have no hobbies, because my time was spent working, caring for my bitch of a mother, and my kids. There was no time for anything else. Now, that's all gone and I have NO idea who the hell I am. I feel old, useless and worthless. 

There has to be some sort of middle ground...

 

This is something my ever so patient Mr. EW has been trying to get me to see. He he is constantly pointing out the good I do here. But because it isn't making much money I fail to see it. He is so impressed with me and proud of me for who I am and what I do for us. I too often just think he's "being nice" but he really does believe it. He says our house is a house of Shalom (peace) bevause for everything I do and am. And he comes flying home every night to soak it in. I am starting to love how he views it all. 

My mom, on the other hand, prattles on about how "happy she is that her daughter is a homemaker and takes her job of wife and the art of running a home seriously" which makes me want to gag and scream and just. NO NO NO. 

[usmcmom]

The Christian college I attended in the eighties had a really strict dress code - we could wear jeans but NO SHORTS EVER ON CAMPUS unless we were going to or from a gym class. Skirts had to reach the knees - no tank tops. Dresses only for church services. 

It had relaxed some by the time my daughter went there. Shorts were allowed on campus and in the cafeteria but not in chapel or class. Tank tops were allowed. Slacks/jeans were allowed for church. But dresses still had to reach the knee and low cut shirts would get you sent back to the dorm. 

I guess what I'm saying is that Lori and her daughters/daughters-in-law would have constantly been in trouble for their wardrobes at this college. 

Her short dresses and plunging necklines would have been big problems. 

 

[feministxtian]

9 minutes ago, EowynW said:

This is something my ever so patient Mr. EW has been trying to get me to see. He he is constantly pointing out the good I do here. But because it isn't making much money I fail to see it. He is so impressed with me and proud of me for who I am and what I do for us. I too often just think he's "being nice" but he really does believe it. He says our house is a house of Shalom (peace) bevause for everything I do and am. And he comes flying home every night to soak it in. I am starting to love how he views it all. 

See? Mr. EW is the one whose opinion counts! One day at a time. Maybe you can eventually take one of those tests that find professions based on your likes, dislikes and talents and go from there. I really like that he sees your home as a place of peace. That's something really important! You're building a home full of peace and love for you, Mr. EW and your children. That is something that they all will know, remember and appreciate. 

[polecat]

1 hour ago, usmcmom said:

I cannot imagine going on a seven week vacation when a parent was terminally ill. Are her parents with her?  I know they can get home fairly easily and families handle this kind of thing differently. Still, I wonder about Lori's mindset with her mother's illness. 

snipped

 

My mom actually died while we were on vacation. We didn't know at the time that she WAS terminally ill because the doctors made it sound like her disease was pretty manageable. At any rate, there's nothing quite like the horror of getting *that call*. I was watching the sun rising over the lake, the mists coming up off the water. It was picturesque, quiet, utterly beautiful. I was the only one awake at that hour other than the animals. And I was paralyzed by shock. I couldn't even wake and tell my husband. Then we had to pack everything and everyone up and go home.

It's not something I'd wish on Lori, but I doubt she thought about that before flouncing off on her little holiday away. She's probably not even really considered what her mom's death will mean to her. I have to wonder if she's ever lost someone close to her, ever really experienced the death of a loved one. It changes you. Lori's so callous and hard -- but not in a way that implies a difficult life. It's more a pampered, sheltered, naive cruelty, much like a child stomping on a bug to see what happens. 

[Free Jana Duggar]

1 hour ago, Red Hair, Black Dress said:

One of the FB comments is from a 54 year old unmarried woman, who finally went to college in her 40s after years of, one assumes, low paying jobs after high school:

Lori of course sticks to her tired mantra that college is evil, working women are evil and sinning, women who work because they "have to" aren't sinning but are effing up their children forever and her biggie-- just pray and God/ churches will provide.  

Oh yeah and if your husband abandoned you, left you with nothing but your children aren't literally starving -- well it's not that bad so just shut up and pray harder,

S, whose husband has abandoned the family says this:

(separate post)

Lori tells her to get rid of the dogs and says suffering is good for you -- because she's suffered:

I wonder how much Lori plans to buy for S to help the family out?

Interestingly Lori is getting some push back on the church support thing that she believes is happening everywhere.  i suspect this response will be gone soon.

TL; DR  I hate Lori. I hate her with the heat of 10.000 burning suns, I hate her smug entitled answers to women in crisis -- just suffer more because it's good for you.  I hate that she tells women who work to support their families they are effing up their children forever,  I hate her implication to every abandoned wife that somehow the hubby leaving is the wife's fault.

If I didn't continually try to be a better person than I sometimes am, I'd fervently wish that Ken would leave Lori high and dry for a younger, legging & thong clad, smart, not submissive cutie with a career who'd give him more than 5 minutes and some lube, and "cook" more than big salads,  

Not that Ken deserves that, but Lori deserves to have to figure out how to live on her church's non-existent charity. Lori, just pray harder and embrace your suffering. It's good for you.  

That would be my wish -- if I wasn't always working to be a better person

Oh I would love that!  I have always wanted Lori to have to take a dose of her own medicine and face reality, but I don't want to wish harm to Ken.  That's the solution. If Ken left her for a pretty young thing in yoga pants, it would serve her right. 

[older than allosaurs]

6 minutes ago, EowynW said:

This is something my ever so patient Mr. EW has been trying to get me to see. He he is constantly pointing out the good I do here. But because it isn't making much money I fail to see it. He is so impressed with me and proud of me for who I am and what I do for us. I too often just think he's "being nice" but he really does believe it. He says our house is a house of Shalom (peace) bevause for everything I do and am. And he comes flying home every night to soak it in. I am starting to love how he views it all. 

My mom, on the other hand, prattles on about how "happy she is that her daughter is a homemaker and takes her job of wife and the art of running a home seriously" which makes me want to gag and scream and just. NO NO NO. 

Oh arghh. That must be so frustrating. Being praised for the wrong reason has always made me feel crazy. And it's not unreasonable in the least to want something in addition to homemaking, no matter how much that homemaking is appreciated.

I haven't been in your situation, so take me with extra grains of salt, but as a teacher I have talked with many many young adults who are wrestling with feeling trapped for their future by their lives so far. So I'll venture one piece of advice (maybe two). If you don't see a direct path to what you want--contributing more financially and using the talent and thoughtfulness you clearly have--try a sidestep. Volunteer for a cause that interests you, join a book club or a painting group, take a cheap non-credit class. You are bound to meet other people who are working at rethinking and reinventing their lives, and that is invigorating.

If there is a tech school or community college nearby, see what they've got to offer. Their financial aid offices may know about options beyond big loans. I remember that Homeschoolers Anonymous used to offer scholarships for homeschooled people looking to pursue more education. I don't know if they still do.

Best wishes. I for one think you're terrific.