Transgender 6 year old banned from bathroom

[valsa]

I bet Coy would have been perfectly happy to use the staff/alternative bathroom, instead his her parents rip him her out of school and decide to make an ordeal about it.

There, fixed that for you.

I was thinking about this a lot earlier and you know....the parents say they "knew" the child was transgendered when s/he started to gravitate towards "girls" clothes and toys.

No, they "knew" she was transgender when she identified as a girl (and the professional they consulted probably helped) If I had a physically male child that enjoyed dolls and tea parties and putting on play dresses, I might suspect that he is transgender, however I wouldn't consider it confirmed until the child said it herself.

[Minerva]

I thought allowing the child to use the gender neutral/staff bathroom was perfectly fine. I don't think it's fair to really pretend like "she's just like all the other little girls." She's not. She has a penis. And while I do think that children should be allowed to express themselves, I'm in the camp that at age 6 she is just too young to know who she really is. I also think it's really important to teach children that rules are there for a reason. I have a child with autism and she loves playing on playgrounds---but she's 13, and 5 ft 6, and she has to understand that most playgrounds are too small for her to play on. So she respects the rules. I do think age 6 is too young to be making all the choices for yourself about what you want. My daughters at age 6 wanted to wear tutus 24-7, but you know, I had to say NO. I think we walk a fine line between respecting a child's choices, and forcing your child's choices upon everyone else. I think finding a compromise is the best solution, and allowing this child the use of a staff/gender neutral bathroom, IMHO, was a good compromise.

Being trans is not a choice ffs.

The thing about dividing washrooms by genitals and not by gender is that being trans or intersex is stigmatized, and having to out themselves every time they go to the washroom would not only make a lot of people miserable, but it would put a lot of people in danger. People with penises can pee sitting down just fine, and people on their periods can smuggle their used products out of washrooms just fine (I had to do that in elementary school because there were no in-stall disposals and I didn't want to leave a pad visible in the garbage bin). Those are mere matters of convenience. Trans and intersex people not having to out themselves when they use the washroom is a matter of safety.

[shaylahc]

If I had a physically male child that enjoyed dolls and tea parties and putting on play dresses, I might suspect that he is transgender, however I wouldn't consider it confirmed until the child said it herself.

Why? Lots of girls enjoy playing with trucks and action figures, just like lots of little boys enjoy dolls and tea parties. Who gets to decide what's "male" and "female"? Just what they want to wear and what interests they have/toys they enjoy playing with? I don't think that's very fair. We have decided as a society that these things should be labeled as "male" or "female", when in fact, it might have nothing to do with gender identity at all.

[LilMissMetaphor]

It's actually not true that babies and/or children are accepting and all-embracing of differences. 6-year-olds can be mean, vicious, abusive etc. no matter what kind of people Mom and Dad are.

[yewchapel]

Shaylahc, why are you refusing to use the correct pronouns when talking about Coy? Coy is a girl.

[Jenny]

I can be a bit prudish, so I can sort of see why the school / other parents might be concerned about the other little girls seeing male genitalia. At 6, I hadn't seen boy parts and if I had a little girl, I wouldn't necessarily want to her to see then either.

However, I'm also a realist and in 13 years of public school I never saw anyone's privates (male or female). Not in the bathroom, locker room (we changed for gym class in middle/high school), band bus etc. So I think there is at least some overreaction to what was apparently a non-issue in the fall.

[valsa]

Why? Lots of girls enjoy playing with trucks and action figures, just like lots of little boys enjoy dolls and tea parties. Who gets to decide what's "male" and "female"? Just what they want to wear and what interests they have/toys they enjoy playing with? I don't think that's very fair. We have decided as a society that these things should be labeled as "male" or "female", when in fact, it might have nothing to do with gender identity at all.

Yes, a lot of children enjoy toys that are traditionally associated with the opposite gender. However, no one ever thought they were transgender because they were a man who loves shopping or a woman who loves watching football. Parents of trans children begin to suspect their child is trans based on a whole host of clues, a love of toys that are usually associated with the opposite gender is just one small "maybe" clue among many.

[So Says I]

I don't understand why people keep bringing up the argument that the other girls are going to see male genitalia in the bathroom. Most of us have agreed that bathrooms at elementary schools have stalls with doors. I even confirmed with my first grade son that the boys' bathroom at school has all lockable stalls and no urinals. Therefore, regardless of which bathroom is being used, no child is seeing what's in another child's pants. This should be a moot point.

[MonkeyMomma]

This has been a really hard thread to read. I feel like over the past few weeks, I have to keep explaining trans* stuff (like really basic stuff). So, here's a good Trans* 101 link for folks that need or want it: http://srlp.org/resources/trans-101/

In all honesty, if Coy was my kid, I'd probably be fighting for her right to just exist as herself just as hard as her parents are. Maybe not exactly the same way, but if the school went from allowing her to use the restroom associated with her perceived gender (because we ALL know that's how bathrooms are actually segregated - if you look "male" and walk into a "female" bathroom, people are up in your business ...) to segregating her from the rest of the student body. How does that not make her MORE of a target? And for Pete's sake, these are six year olds we are talking about, in restrooms with stalls! Nobody's flashing junk in school, except for that one creepy boy who showed everyone his penis, and we know there's one in every school (I remember it like yesterday ... gross). Instead of simply allowing Coy to be a girl, she has been further "othered" by people in authority over her. So yeah, I'd probably pull my kid out of school for shit like that, too. And as for other parents being the reason behind this reversal, shame on them if that's the case.

I watched Coy's interview on Katie yesterday, and according to her mom (I think it was Coy's mom, anyway), she was asking her parents to take her to the doctor to "fix" her so she could be a girl. This is way more than when my son plays with his doll or wears ballet slippers and tutus. That's a deep pain to articulate. And I think pre-puberty, it's pretty innocent to let a kid experiment and figure that out. If Coy has a change of heart, she can go back to living as a boy. But the interview following Coy on Katie was a lovely young lady who was 19 years old, had been voted homecoming princess, and was just coming out as trans ... she moved to a new school when she transitioned and she kept that secret for years. Seems like it stuck.

And before anyone asks: Yes, I've used gender free bathrooms, and it was wicked fun. Yes, if my kid went to school with Coy, I would totally be comfortable with Coy using whatever bathroom she needed, and pissed if the school pulled this. Yes, if my kid came out as trans, I would do everything in my power to help him know how loved and good he is.

[Burris]

Hiding who she really is and pretending to be something she's not is what's going to hurt her. Countless transgender people had said that hiding their real gender was deeply disturbing and painful for them. Why are you discounting the experiences of the very people who know best what Coy is going through?

I am not trying to discount the experiences of people who have gone through this, but when I look at the suicide rate for trans-teens I have to wonder which is the lesser of two evils: Waiting or not waiting. I provided several links, including one on bullying of trans-teens and another on the higher suicide rate among them and among other people with different orientations.

Despite what you seem to believe, I didn't just reflexively pull this opinion out of my ass.

While that's a noble sentiment, your "solution" only perpetuates the attitude that is causing the potential danger in the first place.

This is a rock/hard place situation. She is one – or at least for right now she might feel like just one.

Bigots? There are many. They are vocal. They are cruel.

Can a little kid – and I've emphasized this over and over again; her age is what worries me most – handle that kind of scrutiny?

So if a child who was physically disabled doesn't require an aide (who you apparently think is only there to fend off bullies anyway :roll: ), you think they should be forced to go to special classrooms or special schools, even if they don't want to?

Never said the only reason kids with severe disabilities may have aides is to prevent bullying, but that is certainly a consideration - especially for medically fragile kids. And I think kids should be allowed to learn, as the ADA mandates, in the least restrictive environment possible.

To me, at least, one component of a least restrictive environment is that the child is not facing undo hardship because of orientation; that she isn't being bullied.

Burris, I don't always (or even often) agree with your opinion on things but I do respect that they usually seem to be well thought out and reasonable. I'm almost astounded by how lacking your response is on this issue- you've shown a complete absence of understanding or information on the topic, and that is quite unusual for you.

I'm sorry, but this is what I believe. It's not a knock at Coy but rather a recognition that other people can be utter and complete assholes.

I do understand all the people arguing Coy shouldn't have to change in any way to accommodate bigots; that she should be allowed to express herself as who she is. But Coy is six. This age thing is what sticks the most here for me.

Were she 16, I'd say, “Fight it. Go to the media. Sue the school. Rock on, Coy!â€

She is six. This bathroom thing is just the start. Look at the media attention she is getting and does not want. The hate mail will be epic, and she deserves better. At, say, 16, Coy could look at this material and these other kids and the school administrators and - if she has been built up enough - can basically tell them, "This is who I am. Like it or lump it."

That can't be expected of a six-year-old. It just can't.

So yeah, I know why people disagree with me and are disappointed in my view. I understand the alternative point.

I honestly – and I swear this by all I hold dear – want to agree with the majority here. I want to say Coy should be able to use the girls' bathroom and live as a girl everywhere. In fact, I would love for all trans-people to be free from prejudice.

But she is not...she should not be the face of this cause. She is a little girl.

[rollmeover]

There, fixed that for you.

No, they "knew" she was transgender when she identified as a girl (and the professional they consulted probably helped) If I had a physically male child that enjoyed dolls and tea parties and putting on play dresses, I might suspect that he is transgender, however I wouldn't consider it confirmed until the child said it herself.

Seriously? a boy who likes dolls, tea parties, dresses is just a normal child.

[valsa]

I provided several links, including one on bullying of trans-teens and another on the higher suicide rate among them and among other people with different orientations.

No one is saying that trans teens don't get bullied. However, there's a good reason to believe that allowing a child to come out earlier than a teen can decrease the amount of bullying they experience as a teen.

Can a little kid – and I've emphasized this over and over again; her age is what worries me most – handle that kind of scrutiny?

I'm more worried about the damage hiding her gender would do.

To me, at least, one component of a least restrictive environment is that the child is not facing undo hardship because of orientation; that she isn't being bullied.

Almost everyone gets bullied at some time or another. Hiding your gender behind clothes you hate or your sexual orientation behind lies, or hiding a disabled child in another classroom is not the answer to bullying.

Were she 16, I'd say, “Fight it. Go to the media. Sue the school. Rock on, Coy!â€

So even if you knew your child was transgender at 6 years old, you'd force them to go to school every day for 10 years, hiding who they are? You'd look them in the eye when they're hysterical, in tears, begging you to let them be who they really are- and you'd slam the door in their face? Forget disappointed, I'm disgusted.

Bullying hurts kids, but so does hiding. Whether gay or trans, having to be in a closet is always horrible. By supposedly trying to protect these children, you bury a knife in their back.

ETA: There's also a difference between being openly trans on national television and being openly trans in a social environment you're stuck in for 8 hours per day, 180 days per year.

[Mama Mia]

Watching the video of the Katie show with Coy - that child makes Jordyn Duggar look happy.

The parents were so clearly using this poor child to make a point, at her expense. The mother even said the school was missing out on something "BIG" so they could teach people about differences and embracing differences. If her goal was to have her child be happy and fit in, which she kept saying, she wouldn't also want the freaking school to use her as some sort of social studies unit on differences. And if she is okay with saying she is "different", than what is the big deal with using the uni-sex restroom ? That poor little girl was practically in tears when asked about missing her friends at school, while her mother looked really excited about all the hoopla. uggghhhh. Also, if her goal is to have her 6 year old go back to the school and be happy she wouldn't be sitting there talking in front of her about how awful the school is and how they think she is less than. How is that not going to have a negative impact on how she perceives the school environment no matter how the case is settled ?

[Blahblah]

My youngest is 8. In her class she has all types of kids - girly boys, tomboy girls, Muslim kids, ones with freckles, ones with asthma, a diabetic, one with a horrible debilitating bowel incontinence disorder. And you know what? She doesn't mention any of this stuff. To her it's just Claudia and Iman and Max and Hugh and they are her friends. She sees them as people, not as one specific trait or attribute.

Her school has a uniform. There are unisex options plus dresses/skirts if the girls choose them. She chooses not to wear dresses to school and wears the more "boy" option of cargo shorts. She generally plays rougher boy-driven games at lunchtime rather than with the majority of girls playing "house" or "families". But on the weekend she chooses to be a frilly dress wearing princess. She walks her own path.

My son at around the same age told me that they had a new kid in his class with the same name as his mate Tom. I asked how the other kids would tell them apart (meaning calling them Tom B and Tom N). He went to great lengths to tell me that they were the same height, their hair cuts were the same, they both wore blue school shrts etc. When I met the new Tom, the first thing I noticed was that he was Vietnamese. The old Tom is caucasian. My son didn't pick up that difference.

What I'm saying is that my experience with kids is that kids don't see differences easily. Maybe my kids are unusually accepting but they don't seem to me to be any more tolerant than their peers. They see people first and foremost.

If Coy dresses as a girl and acts like a girl (whatever that means - there's a very broad spectrum of dressing and acting like a girl for her to fall into) then as far as the kids are concerned, she is a girl. And later, if these other kids at her school start to become more aware of social prejudices towards differences, well hopefully they won't see Coy as someone to hate or treat differently because to them she is just their friend, Coy, and all else is secondary to that.

But if she hides her true self and this fake Coy is the Coy they get to know, well what happens when she decides she doesn't want to hide anymore.? Older kids are less tolerant. They will see the new Coy and focus on the change rather than the person.

Apologies for this lengthy post. I guess what I'm saying is that kids need to be kids and Coy needs to be Coy.

And her parents need to let her be Coy away from the media spotlight. She needs to be a six year old girl, not a poster child.

[France Nolan]

As others have already addressed, my concern isn't that she's transgender, it's the media scrutiny. I agree that Coy should have access to the girls' room. I'm glad that her family supports her and that's she's allowed to express her gender freely. I think it's awful that the school is trying to marginalize her, and I support the family in fighting the discrimination.

I'm just wary of the media circus and the attention it draws to Coy. No six year old should be put on the spot like that. I imagine that it must be intimidating and awkward for her, not to mention it effectively outs her to the public. By that I mean that the family is revealing that Coy is biologically male, which might not be something she wants revealed.

As others said it exposes her to all sorts of hate and intolerance. Should the family fight intolerance when it's on their doorstep? Absolutely. They should fight for their daughter's right to live like a girl (whatever that means). I just don't know that making her a poster child or seeking media attention is the best way to go about it.

[valsa]

Watching the video of the Katie show with Coy - that child makes Jordyn Duggar look happy.

The parents were so clearly using this poor child to make a point, at her expense. The mother even said the school was missing out on something "BIG" so they could teach people about differences and embracing differences. If her goal was to have her child be happy and fit in, which she kept saying, she wouldn't also want the freaking school to use her as some sort of social studies unit on differences. And if she is okay with saying she is "different", than what is the big deal with using the uni-sex restroom ? That poor little girl was practically in tears when asked about missing her friends at school, while her mother looked really excited about all the hoopla. uggghhhh. Also, if her goal is to have her 6 year old go back to the school and be happy she wouldn't be sitting there talking in front of her about how awful the school is and how they think she is less than. How is that not going to have a negative impact on how she perceives the school environment no matter how the case is settled?

Being an attention whore doesn't mean she's wrong, though I am curious what measures the parents tried to before going to the press and filing the lawsuit.

Personally, though I would choose differently, I can kind of understand where the mom is coming from (assuming she's being sincere) I wouldn't necessarily want to make my child the national poster child for trans rights but there is value in starting a public dialog and putting a (adorable) face on the issue in the minds of people who've never met a trans child before. She may be pushing extra hard on this issue to pave the way, so that other trans children, in the future, don't even have to run into that problem.

[Burris]

No one is saying that trans teens don't get bullied. However, there's a good reason to believe that allowing a child to come out earlier than a teen can decrease the amount of bullying they experience as a teen.

...because younger kids would be more apt to accept someone who is different than would older kids with stronger prejudices. It's true.

But those kids don't exist in a vacuum anymore that Coy herself does. They go home happy about learning a new thing and some of their parents will 'set them straight.' If I missed a link or some other tangible evidence trans-kids are better adjusted as teens if allowed to out themselves earlier, then I would like to see it.

This is one of those rare occasions when I want to be proved dead wrong. Please, show me it helps kids to come out earlier. I'm not being facetious.

Almost everyone gets bullied at some time or another. Hiding your gender behind clothes you hate or your sexual orientation behind lies, or hiding a disabled child in another classroom is not the answer to bullying.

Yeah, most kids get bullied sometimes. Kids with differences get bullied...well, a lot of the time.

Bringing them to the fore really young with a limited arsenal to fight back strikes me as unfair.

So even if you knew your child was transgender at 6 years old, you'd force them to go to school every day for 10 years, hiding who they are? You'd look them in the eye when they're hysterical, in tears, begging you to let them be who they really are- and you'd slam the door in their face? Forget disappointed, I'm disgusted.

You're disgusted at a caricature of how you assume I'd react: “No; fuck you. You aren't trans until I say you are.†You may think my view is pig-ignorant, but give me at least a little bit of credit.

I'd probably get the kid unisex clothes for school and let her buy whatever accessories she wanted for her bedroom at home. (Clothes don't make the person, after all; and learning about gender from both sides could be useful.)

I'd try to expose her to other groups of trans-gendered people so she knows she's not alone. I'd try to find quality educational videos on how she could manage conflict. I'd buy her bed-time stories about people and animals with different orientations. In short, I would do my best to arm her to the teeth with a counter to nearly any argument she hears.

And I'd want keep her orientation out of the classroom until she could handle the potential blow-back. She could be 16. She could be 10. But I cannot believe she'd be capable of it at six. But if she came to me at eight or nine and said, “I. Am. A. Girl. I want to live as one, dress as one, and be treated as one. I want to see a doctor; I want hormone treatments. I know from what people have told me and from I have read what it might cost for me to do this thing and I am ready to face it,†then I'd quiz her pretty hard. A trans-friendly doctor would quiz her pretty hard. If she could defend herself, then...it's done. We'd get the gender-appropriate clothes and accessories and she would go to school as a girl. When she reached the correct age, we'd start the hormone treatments.

Slam the door on her crying, though? No. But I can well imagine hysterical crying could also be the result of the cruelty she'd face.

The way I see it, Coy's not telling the other kids she's trans is a lie of omission. It's not their business, first of all. And secondly...she's SIX.

Bullying hurts kids, but so does hiding. Whether gay or trans, having to be in a closet is always horrible. By supposedly trying to protect these children, you bury a knife in their back.

If I sent a kid out unprepared, then I'd be burying a knife in her back. And twisting it as well.

There's also a difference between being openly trans on national television and being openly trans in a social environment you're stuck in for 8 hours per day, 180 days per year.

True. but there's a two-edged sword. Spending 180 days a year with the same kids, day after day, some of whom might torment you, could well be worse than appearing on TV for a single or even multiple appearances. Both sound downright unappealing.

[valsa]

This is one of those rare occasions when I want to be proved dead wrong. Please, show me it helps kids to come out earlier. I'm not being facetious.

Show me it causes worse outcomes for children to come out at a young age rather than as a teenager.

Bringing them to the fore really young with a limited arsenal to fight back strikes me as unfair.

Except no one is bringing them to the fore- that's where they already exist.

And I'd want keep her orientation out of the classroom until she could handle the potential blow-back. She could be 16. She could be 10. But I cannot believe she'd be capable of it at six. But if she came to me at eight or nine and said, “I. Am. A. Girl. I want to live as one, dress as one, and be treated as one. I want to see a doctor; I want hormone treatments. I know from what people have told me and from I have read what it might cost for me to do this thing and I am ready to face it,†then I'd quiz her pretty hard. A trans-friendly doctor would quiz her pretty hard. If she could defend herself, then...it's done. We'd get the gender-appropriate clothes and accessories and she would go to school as a girl. When she reached the correct age, we'd start the hormone treatments.

So you're expecting her to have all the answers to all the questions before she's even had the chance to live as her true gender? You're setting up an impossible standard.

Slam the door on her crying, though? No. But I can well imagine hysterical crying could also be the result of the cruelty she'd face.

The crying is not a hypothetical. There are trans children who have begged their parents to let them go to school dressed as their real gender.

The way I see it, Coy's not telling the other kids she's trans is a lie of omission. It's not their business, first of all. And secondly...she's SIX.

So you'd be okay with moving Coy to another school, as a girl, and just not telling anyone that she's physically a boy? Because, after all, it's no one's business.

If I sent a kid out unprepared, then I'd be burying a knife in her back. And twisting it as well.

I cannot disagree more. I'm gay and I've lived that life. I've been in the closest, I've been open. I got bullied. It was so bad I had to change schools because of it- and I was 16. No one is ever really "prepared" to have someone make your life a living hell because of something you can't change. All hiding does is pile that trauma on top of all the other shit you have to deal with.

I seriously doubt we're ever going to agree. You just haven't experienced what trans and gay children and teens have and there's no way to bridge that gap.

[Burris]

Show me it causes worse outcomes for children to come out at a young age rather than as a teenager.

We disagree with where the burden of proof is.

Except no one is bringing them to the fore- that's where they already exist.

At that tender age? They're at the fore, in cases like this, because someone allowed them to move to that position.

So you're expecting her to have all the answers to all the questions before she's even had the chance to live as her true gender? You're setting up an impossible standard.

Not all the answers. What I'd really want to see, though, is whether or not she can say and mean a few key things:

"Fuck you, bigots."

"I am a girl with a penis. It happens. If you have a problem, that's on you, not me."

"No, teacher, I am not joking. No, I am not pretending. No, it's not a phase so fuck off."

"I've known I was different from the earliest, and not just because I preferred traditionally feminine toys but because I felt better - more whole - as a female than as a male. This was not a passing thing, but a part of me that stuck."

In short, the quiz wouldn't be for answers as to why she is how she is, but for how she would handle personal comments on the matter.

The crying is not a hypothetical. There are trans children who have begged their parents to let them go to school dressed as their real gender.

I honestly don't know what to say there. If my child were that committed to fully expressing her gender, then I would have no choice but to acquiesce. My hope would be for more time, though - more time to make her ready, to make her stronger.

So you'd be okay with moving Coy to another school, as a girl, and just not telling anyone that she's physically a boy? Because, after all, it's no one's business.

Considering that Coy has already been living as a girl for a couple of years, the yes. I would be worried about it because, as I said, rumors don't even have to be true for kids to spread them; and if anyone found out Coy had male genitalia, that could cause problems.

But ultimately no, it's not their damned business. The school had let her use the girls' bathroom for a long time. They should have left that policy alone.

But I'm not talking out both sides of my face: I honestly don't think a six-year-old has the mental armor to defend herself against some of what she'd face for being out and trans. But Coy is out and trans. The thing is done. So yes; new school – new start. No student's business.

I cannot disagree more. I'm gay and I've lived that life. I've been in the closest, I've been open. I got bullied. It was so bad I had to change schools because of it- and I was 16. No one is ever really "prepared" to have someone make your life a living hell because of something you can't change. All hiding does is pile that trauma on top of all the other shit you have to deal with.

I'm not gay, but I have faced some truly hair-raising discrimination. If I'd known what was coming for my family and me, I'd have tried to find a hole so deep for hiding that even God couldn't find us. I'd have tried to 'pass' as something I wasn't. I'd have run until my feet rotted off.

Maybe I am a coward. I've considered that possibility. It certainly makes me a cynic. And it colors how I believe Coy and her parents should handle this situation.

Question: You faced harsh discrimination at 16 and lived through it. Could you have done the same at six?

I seriously doubt we're ever going to agree. You just haven't experienced what trans and gay children and teens have and there's no way to bridge that gap.

Maybe not. Maybe there is no way to bridge that gap for someone born straight. But discrimination hurts when it's based on something such as ethnic background, as well. It, too, is an innocent condition of being. If I could have "passed," and missed all the subsequent "fun," I'd have done it.

But no, I do not know what it is like to be gay and in the closet. I don't know what it's like to want to be myself and not have permission.

I do not know what it's like to be in Coy's situation. I likely never will.

[nimerha]

Burris, I appreciate you sticking in the discussion long enough to express and explain your position clearly. But, I want to join Valsa and others who believe that you are grossly underestimating the damage it would do a transgender child to remain "in the closet" until he or she is "old enough", whatever that means.

You brought up the equivalent of keeping one's sexual orientation quiet - but that is not the same. One's sexuality is, compared to gender and identity, small potatoes - especially to a young child. I'm a queer woman and have had a preference for women as far as I can remember, but I can't really remember expressing it in any way until I was 11 or 12 (then I got a huge crush on Cate Blanchett in Lord of the Rings, and nothing was ever the same). I passed my entire childhood as straight without trying the slightest bit because I didn't have to actively do anything, say anything, act anything other than what I was: a bookish, dorky girl who was really into math and physics and science fiction.

I am not speaking from my own personal experience but I believe that a child with a strong gender identity and expression would have to do a HELL of a lot more to pass as the opposite gender. It wouldn't be lying by omission: it would be active lie and deceit every time the class was divided into boys and girls for PE, every time that child entered a bathroom, every time that child used a fucking personal pronoun. And this deceit would reinforce, day in and day out, that this child was wrong and different and needed to hide and needed to change or at least pretend. In my part time job, I work with a class of 3-6 year olds. They're brilliant, and capable of so much more than they get credit for, even from their parents sometimes - but I just don't see the cognitive skills and self control to compartmentalize and process that kind of crap. How on earth could I even begin to explain to them what this requires? That a girl can be a girl on the weekends but tell all her friends that she's a boy, and lying is wrong except when we do it here?

I've been extremely happy and lucky in my personal life, in that I was able to be open and out about my sexuality and relationship since my late teens, in all my environments, and never faced serious bullying or harm for it. It still did, however, take me months to work up the nerve to tell my mother, and I threw up for a week prior and almost threw up again during - because by then I felt like I was actively hiding, deceiving her; I was scared of being "caught out", and it was horrible. Now, I did get racial bullying (hilariously, you would never believe me today in person - I am pretty white, but as a tan kid I looked like a Roma, so I got bullied like one). Slurs and physical threats, a guy throwing a fucking beer bottle at my head, when I was six or so. It didn't ever do half the number on me (even before I realized that I was being called names which, whilst horrible, weren't actually correct), as the fairly brief period between realizing I was in a closet, and coming out of it.

My personal experience is why it makes sense to me that it would do way less harm to let a child act out their gender identity (whilst keeping a watchful eye on them) with maximum support and love, than to try to pull off an act of being out of the closet on holidays, in it at school. Besides, that still doesn't protect you from all manner of bullying or sneers either - unless you're with your child every second of every day, the ugly comment can come anywhere, anytime. From the neighbour who tells your daughter off when she's taking out the trash, an attendant at a swimming pool, to a clerk at a shop: I am just convinced that a child of any age will be better equipped to deal with those, if that child has a strong support network of normalizing experiences in and outside the home. You brought up the suicide rates in trans teenagers but why do you think the outside taunts and bullying is what drove them to take their life, rather than the lack of support, the mindfuck of constant worry, hiding and deceit, the inability to act out their true self?

Ultimately, though, my personal experience doesn't mean jack shit: I am not transgender. There was a transgender person weighing in on this very discussion. There are transgender people talking about their opinion on the matter, and their personal experiences, all over the fucking internet. Let's to listen them, for a fucking change.

[Burris]

I spent time seriously thinking this through, although I lack experience either as a homosexual or as a trans-person. There may not be a bridge across the divide between the 'two,' but there's enough similar ground on either side that one group can empathize with another.

I guess nothing really prepares a person for being treated like they're subhuman; disposable; like they don't have a right to exist. Even if one can outrun or out-hide the bigots, there's no running from their words. They'll reach into the closet. They'll reach into the deepest hole. They'll reach into the mountain forests. Those words are like a virus, and they can reach anywhere.

I was wrong here.

The only way a person can develop the skills to fight bigotry is by actually doing it, with the right support. In retrospect, hiding sends the message the bigots are right, when their not.

Survival is the best revenge against them. It says, “Fuck you. You can not defeat me or frighten me into silence or destroy my name.â€

I just hated the thought of a kid having to learn that lesson so young. They should just be kids. But I know not everyone is nearly so - for lack of a better term - lucky as to have their childhood unmarred.

If Coy and others like her step out, than all the other kids in the closet may one day be able to do the same.

I did listen to the other people's arguments; my failure was in recognizing that discrimination is weakened most when people confront it. (I believe people should confront bad speech with good. I'm not sure why I had such a monstrous blind-spot when it cam to trangendered kids except out of fear for their safety.)

'If one can out-hide bigotry until they're old enough to handle it, do it,' I thought. 'A lie the protects you is justifiable.'

But in the end, that would make the cruelty even harder to endure. Because it won't go away - not for kids, nor for adults. It won't go until it's driven away by the actions of brave people who are wlling to stand up and be counted.

If I had a child who was transgendered, I'd have failed her and hobbled her in an effort to protect her. I'd have tried to give her security over honesty, to protect her - forgetting that 'security' of that sort is an illusion.

I did think about it. I did look at the facts. I did not look at the experiences. I did not empathize well.

This post is an open admission that I was Dead. Fucking. Wrong. on this subject.

[Jana814]

I think I remember reading about this mother on MDC. She had a home birth with triplets. She always seemed like a great mom. I'm glad little Coy has parents who will support her even at such a young age. And yes, she is adorable.

Really she had a Homebirth w/ triplets!! I just saw them on Katie I really command the parents for allowing their child to be who she really is!!

[formergothardite]

I think she made a video about her home birth with triplets, not sure if it is on the web anywhere anymore, though.

[Rosa]

Burris, that's fucking beautiful.

And I get where that blind spot came from, really; the absolutely hardest thing about parenting is figuring out when you have to support your kids as they take risks.

[skeptifem]

Being an attention whore doesn't mean she's wrong, though I am curious what measures the parents tried to before going to the press and filing the lawsuit.

Their attorney asked the school to reconsider, and the school declined. They would rather waste everyone's time and money instead of letting a kid pee in room A instead of room B. Ridiculous.

All the people talking about how horrible the parents are should really look into what the average trans person goes through. Being disowned is pretty common, along with straight up abuse. She is lucky she has a family that believes in and fights for her. There is also the question of passing up this opportunity knowing that it could potentially help other people who are being oppressed.