Transgender 6 year old banned from bathroom

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

Burris, that's fucking beautiful.

And I get where that blind spot came from, really; the absolutely hardest thing about parenting is figuring out when you have to support your kids as they take risks.

+1. Major respect for being so open and honest about your thought process and your conclusion. It's a rare thing to see!

[keen23]

Something about this Mom screams McMama to me. I know they aren't the same person, but they seem to be cut from the same cloth. So much drama. So much need for attention (the Mom, not the kids. I feel bad for the kids, they're just pawns in this game).

[Turtle]

I don't know anything about identifying as a particular gender at such a young age because I have no experience with that, but I do have a problem with the amount of media exposure for Coy. That doesn't seem fair to her at all. I understand a parent advocating for their child, but I don't think a 6 year old can consent to being a public advocate for something.

If she decides she doesn't want to identify as a girl when she's older, will that be harder for her after all the media exposure? I would think so. Or, what if she doesn't want everyone to know she's transgender or wants to choose who she tells? I think her privacy has been violated by her parents, in this case.

[valsa]

I spent time seriously thinking this through, although I lack experience either as a homosexual or as a trans-person. There may not be a bridge across the divide between the 'two,' but there's enough similar ground on either side that one group can empathize with another.

I guess nothing really prepares a person for being treated like they're subhuman; disposable; like they don't have a right to exist. Even if one can outrun or out-hide the bigots, there's no running from their words. They'll reach into the closet. They'll reach into the deepest hole. They'll reach into the mountain forests. Those words are like a virus, and they can reach anywhere.

I was wrong here.

The only way a person can develop the skills to fight bigotry is by actually doing it, with the right support. In retrospect, hiding sends the message the bigots are right, when their not.

Survival is the best revenge against them. It says, “Fuck you. You can not defeat me or frighten me into silence or destroy my name.â€

I just hated the thought of a kid having to learn that lesson so young. They should just be kids. But I know not everyone is nearly so - for lack of a better term - lucky as to have their childhood unmarred.

If Coy and others like her step out, than all the other kids in the closet may one day be able to do the same.

I did listen to the other people's arguments; my failure was in recognizing that discrimination is weakened most when people confront it. (I believe people should confront bad speech with good. I'm not sure why I had such a monstrous blind-spot when it cam to trangendered kids except out of fear for their safety.)

'If one can out-hide bigotry until they're old enough to handle it, do it,' I thought. 'A lie the protects you is justifiable.'

But in the end, that would make the cruelty even harder to endure. Because it won't go away - not for kids, nor for adults. It won't go until it's driven away by the actions of brave people who are wlling to stand up and be counted.

If I had a child who was transgendered, I'd have failed her and hobbled her in an effort to protect her. I'd have tried to give her security over honesty, to protect her - forgetting that 'security' of that sort is an illusion.

I did think about it. I did look at the facts. I did not look at the experiences. I did not empathize well.

This post is an open admission that I was Dead. Fucking. Wrong. on this subject.

Burris, I want to thank you sincerely for writing this.

I have a very thick skin and I don't often get upset over things on the internet, but this thread (though not just you) did manage to anger and hurt me a great deal more than usual. I feel very protective of trans children, perhaps even more than homosexual children and teens. Maybe it's because society's acceptance of gay people is outpacing it's acceptance and understanding of trans people by a wide margin- so it's not unusual to find gay-friendly people who still have downright horrible beliefs and opinions about trans people.

Though I'm not trans, this subject is very near to my heart. I did spend some time in the closet when I was younger and I remember how much it hurt. Not only having to hide myself, but also hearing the comments people would make about gay people (which I felt I couldn't react to or I'd expose myself) and having to face questions like "why don't you have a boyfriend yet?" without a socially acceptable answer. Even now, I'm not completely open at work and it's exhausting to always have to censor my speech to make sure I don't mention any past girlfriends (which would be exponentially more difficult if I was currently dating) or anything else that might give away my sexuality. And Coy, being trans, would likely even face a double whammy in this regard if she stayed in the closet until her late teens. Most trans people are straight for their true gender so even if Coy stayed a boy in public, she'd face bullying coming from the fact that she (or "he", in public) is probably attracted to boys. So stay a boy in public and be bullied for mistakenly being identified as gay or be your true gender and face possible bullying for that- either way, Coy's going to have it rough.

[lilwriter85]

I know some FJers are following and posting in the Nathan Lawrenson twitter thread. Nate posted an instagram pic related to this story.

http://instagram.com/p/WTFcwmDVfX/

[ @ ] nathanlawrenson The top story and bottom story are inseparable. We can't open the Pandora's Box without everything being affected. What one generation tolerates, the next will embrace. #cnn #cnnhomepage 15h

[veron1que]

I don't understand why we even have separate bathrooms.

[JesusFightClub]

I don't know anything about identifying as a particular gender at such a young age because I have no experience with that, but I do have a problem with the amount of media exposure for Coy. That doesn't seem fair to her at all. I understand a parent advocating for their child, but I don't think a 6 year old can consent to being a public advocate for something.

If she decides she doesn't want to identify as a girl when she's older, will that be harder for her after all the media exposure? I would think so. Or, what if she doesn't want everyone to know she's transgender or wants to choose who she tells? I think her privacy has been violated by her parents, in this case.

QFT. I'm not happy with the media coverage of this. Six is awful young to be the centre of a storm.

I have in some way an experience of this, in my wee niece Small. Now Small a while back decided she was a boy. She wanted her hair cut like mine (I shave my head - it's at a No.2 cut just now). Her dad said no to that so she has long hair but she aside from that insists on dressing in boy's clothes. She can do this at school because although they all wear uniform, girls can wear trousers. She would correct anyone who called her a "girl" or a "lassie" with "I'm a BOY." Also, she would correct anyone who said something like "You're your father's daughter, that's for sure" with "I'm my father's SON."

Since starting at school though she's toned down that stuff a little bit although she still insists on boys' boxer shorts and boys' clothes. She seems a little more unsure of the whole thing now and will answer "girl", "boy" or "girlboy" or "boygirl". (Also she's still fascinated by my hair). I suspect there is some peer pressure involved. But I don't know what's going on in her head. Nor do I know Coy's thoughts and if she will feel differently about things or if she is definitely sure of her trans identity. So let her wear girls' clothes and use girl's toilet, and give her space IMO, don't drag her out in front of the world's media.

How weird it would be to be in Coy's position, working things out, taking your path through life, then all of a sudden finding that you're to be a poster child for trans kids (a position you may not even comprehend, let alone want or demand). It would have been much more simple to let Coy use the girls' loo (and I agree why not unisex bathrooms?) and avoid all of this nonsense of course, but now it has happened, where's Coy's voice in this? What does she think? Not what does mummy and daddy think, or what do the teachers or the parents or the other kids think, or what do fundies and the world's sanctimonious think, but what does Coy herself feel is best for her?

[JenniferJuniper]

Gender identity is a very black and white issue for many people, whether they are transsexual or not. I get that.

It is not such a black and white issue for everyone, however and I'm not sure those who insist a 6 year old is fully capable of making such a clear-cut determination appreciate that this fluidity exists for some people. Perhaps more people than you realize.

Not everyone is the same. Just because you knew for sure what you were at 6 doesn't mean this child truly does. Like others have said, the parents seem to be pushing their own agenda here, rather than gently helping her on own her path. I'm sure the bathroom issue could have been resolved via a quiet mediation process. The school's position is clearly wrong, but the parents plastering their child all over the media strikes me as attention-whoring. Attention-whoring Coy can't consent to because she's only six.

We make far, far too much of gender identity in this society. You are required to be one or the other, even if you don't strongly identify one way or the other. And I believe this insistence on rigid gender roles and rules is also at the heart of anti-gay bigotry.

[Jinger Jar]

Gender identity is a very black and white issue for many people, whether they are transsexual or not. I get that.

It is not such a black and white issue for everyone, however and I'm not sure those who insist a 6 year old is fully capable of making such a clear-cut determination appreciate that this fluidity exists for some people. Perhaps more people than you realize.

Not everyone is the same. Just because you knew for sure what you were at 6 doesn't mean this child truly does. Like others have said, the parents seem to be pushing their own agenda here, rather than gently helping her on own her path. I'm sure the bathroom issue could have been resolved via a quiet mediation process. The school's position is clearly wrong, but the parents plastering their child all over the media strikes me as attention-whoring. Attention-whoring Coy can't consent to because she's only six.

We make far, far too much of gender identity in this society. You are required to be one or the other, even if you don't strongly identify one way or the other. And I believe this insistence on rigid gender roles and rules is also at the heart of anti-gay bigotry.

I agree with much of this. I truly question the motives of the parents in cases like this. Is it in a child's best interests to face this kind of media attention?

[valsa]

Like others have said, the parents seem to be pushing their own agenda here, rather than gently helping her on own her path. I'm sure the bathroom issue could have been resolved via a quiet mediation process.

Someone already mentioned that the parents tried to appeal the school's decision and couldn't get anywhere. Media attention is an acceptable method of putting social pressure on an organization/institution and sometimes the only option an individual has. Why do you think we hear a lot about kids getting suspended/expelled for stupid zero tolerance policies or gay teens being barred from prom? Because media pressure works.

I think the parents are skirting an ethical line by using their child to gain greater recognition for the rights of trans children (ie- pushing their own agenda, noble though it may be) I can understand why they want to do it but don't think it's completely fair for Coy. However, even outside of pushing for trans rights in general, using the media may very well be one of the only options they have to get the bathroom problem solved anyway, so it's more like killing two birds with one stone at this point.

You are required to be one or the other, even if you don't strongly identify one way or the other.

Coy does identify strongly as a girl. "Take me to the doctor so he can fix me" is a very strong identification.

[So Says I]

I just want to say that I've really enjoyed reading everyone's perspectives in this difficult discussion. Well, except for the poster who referred to being transgender as being "a little charade". That particular post was just full of ass clownery. :roll: Overall, I'm just really impressed with how FJ debates operate. :)

I wish Coy all the best and hope she will be treated as the sweet, intelligent girl she is. I also hope that, as others have said, that her folks will stop forcing her into the limelight, as she obviously hates it from the interviews I've seen.

[wild little fox]

I'm done with this thread but I just want every person here saying that anything but allowing this child full access to the school as a girl to know that they are part of the perpetuation of transphobic culture. They are not in the right. And THEY are the ones damaging things for this child, and all children like her, and all the trans adults who once were like her.

In high school we had a special needs boy. The staff went out of their way to say that bulling this boy was off limits. As far as I know everyone left him alone.

I was bullied and (hit in grades 4-6) because I was an easy target. If my parents and the staff would have listened to me and supported me it would have made a difference. My parents went to a school board meeting to bring up the issue of my younger brother being hit and it made a difference.

I think Coy should be allowed to be who she wants to be.

My dad was a racist southerner. I was wise enough to pay attention to my own mind and heart and realize he was a man full of anger and hate. I think children should have the opportunity to learn not to fear what is different.

[JenniferJuniper]

Coy does identify strongly as a girl. "Take me to the doctor so he can fix me" is a very strong identification.

She's six. This fact simply cannot be overlooked. I'm sure her feelings are strong, but she's not even at the age of reason yet. And it's still at an age where kids are heavily, heavily influenced by how their parents react to things. I also think we're seeing some red flags with the parents. Even if they truly had no way to work the issue through the school system and felt they had to take it to the media, was it absolutely necessary to use her real name, and release videos and multiple photographs of her? I only hope TLC doesn't give them a ring, and if they do, the parents don't answer.

I absolutely think Coy should be accommodated, especially when we're talking about something as basic and essential as bathroom usage. But I also don't think her parents should insist she's a girl any more than society should force her to be a boy. She should be treated as what she is - an individual child who has a lot to experience and learn about herself. If part of that journey is being a girl in the first grade, that’s fine, but the door should be left open for her express herself in a different manner when she's 10. If her parents’ advocacy ends up turning her into a cause célèbre, the natural course of her journey could end up derailed.

[valsa]

She's six. This fact simply cannot be overlooked.

Neither can the fact that a majority of trans people knew they were trans at around her age.

[sewingmom2]

When I was 6, I wanted to be a boy. I also wanted to be strong. I ate spinach almost daily (Popeye) to get muscles that were strong. I avoided wearing dresses whenever possible. I insisted on long pants/jeans whenever possible. I detested dressy shoes, preferring tennies. The main reason? I was trying to prevent/slow down the sexual abuse I was facing on a weekly basis (or more often). I thought being a boy would stop it, or I would be strong enough to stop it, or I would be unattractive and it would stop or my clothes would stop it (or at least be harder to get off), or I could run fast enough to get away. And so on.

There are many reasons why a child might want to change their life, or themselves. Just saying.....

[valsa]

When I was 6, I wanted to be a boy. I also wanted to be strong. I ate spinach almost daily (Popeye) to get muscles that were strong. I avoided wearing dresses whenever possible. I insisted on long pants/jeans whenever possible. I detested dressy shoes, preferring tennies. The main reason? I was trying to prevent/slow down the sexual abuse I was facing on a weekly basis (or more often). I thought being a boy would stop it, or I would be strong enough to stop it, or I would be unattractive and it would stop or my clothes would stop it (or at least be harder to get off), or I could run fast enough to get away. And so on.

There are many reasons why a child might want to change their life, or themselves. Just saying.....

There's a difference between someone who says they're a girl and wants a doctor to fix their body because they don't think it's right and a child who wants to be a boy (don't know if you said you actually were a boy or not but just wanting to be a boy and not wanting to wear dresses isn't the same as insisting you are the other gender) for other reasons. That's why parents of trans children usually have them meet with a psychologist to get a better picture of where their child's head is at, which is what these parents have already done.

[the 4th survivor]

Here's another thing that bothers me about this, I don't believe a 6 year old would ask "when is the doctor is going to give me girl parts?" on his own. That's pretty fishy if you ask me. I wonder if his parents haven't been coaching him on what to think.

[formergothardite]

Here's another thing that bothers me about this, I don't believe a 6 year old would ask "when is the doctor is going to give me girl parts?" on his own. That's pretty fishy if you ask me. I wonder if his parents haven't been coaching him on what to think.

Coy has asked to be called "her" and identifies as a girl, why do you insist on calling her a him?

[FloraDoraDolly]

She's six. This fact simply cannot be overlooked. I'm sure her feelings are strong, but she's not even at the age of reason yet. And it's still at an age where kids are heavily, heavily influenced by how their parents react to things. I also think we're seeing some red flags with the parents. Even if they truly had no way to work the issue through the school system and felt they had to take it to the media, was it absolutely necessary to use her real name, and release videos and multiple photographs of her? I only hope TLC doesn't give them a ring, and if they do, the parents don't answer.

I absolutely think Coy should be accommodated, especially when we're talking about something as basic and essential as bathroom usage. But I also don't think her parents should insist she's a girl any more than society should force her to be a boy. She should be treated as what she is - an individual child who has a lot to experience and learn about herself. If part of that journey is being a girl in the first grade, that’s fine, but the door should be left open for her express herself in a different manner when she's 10. If her parents’ advocacy ends up turning her into a cause célèbre, the natural course of her journey could end up derailed.

I did some research and found that there really isn't a lot of research on trans kids. Even the experts don't agree on what's best for them! Almost every article mentioned that most kids like Coy do end up identifying with their biological gender by the time they hit puberty. So while it's important to get feedback from trans adults about their childhood experiences, I think it is equally important to hear from adults who were transgendered as kids, but for whatever reason did not complete the transition as adults.

I watched the video of Coy and agree that this poor kid does not want to be in the spotlight. I have seen some trans kids on TV who were very comfortable talking about their experiences-- there's one in particular named Jazz who is very intelligent, articulate, and self-confident. Jazz's parents are always interviewed as well, but even at age six Jazz was doing a lot of the talking. With Barbara Walters, no less. This is not what I am seeing here with Coy.

[ILoveJellybeans]

I think its quite a logical conclusion with a 6 year old. She would know that when someone has something wrong with their body, they go to the doctor to have it fixed, and she knows she is a girl and knows that girls arent supposed to have penises, so there must be something wrong.

[valsa]

Here's another thing that bothers me about this, I don't believe a 6 year old would ask "when is the doctor is going to give me girl parts?" on his own. That's pretty fishy if you ask me. I wonder if his parents haven't been coaching him on what to think.

When I was 3 or 4 years old my brother stole one of my Barbies and broke it, so I asked my mom if it had to go to the doctors. It's not unusual for a child to see a doctor as someone who fixes things that are wrong, and so associate them as someone who could fix a body that doesn't feel right.

[Mama Mia]

There's a difference between someone who says they're a girl and wants a doctor to fix their body because they don't think it's right and a child who wants to be a boy (don't know if you said you actually were a boy or not but just wanting to be a boy and not wanting to wear dresses isn't the same as insisting you are the other gender) for other reasons. That's why parents of trans children usually have them meet with a psychologist to get a better picture of where their child's head is at, which is what these parents have already done.

I think the problem is that most transgender children may already be aware of what their real gender identity is at the age of 6, so for them, hearing that what they KNEW at that age to be true is being dismissed as a 'phase' must be extremely frustrating and demeaning.

BUT - in addition to all the transgender adults, who knew as young children that they were trans, there are also many, many, many children who do actually go through a phase of insisting they are the opposite gender, but for them it is a phase and they do grow out of it.

So using a 6 year old as the spokesperson for this is going to have too many people recalling how they, or their child, or their sibling - insisted they were the opposite gender at 4 or 6 and that it was just a phase for them. The same way other children might insist that they are a super hero, or actually belong to another family or that their imaginary friend is real.

It doesn't mean that the 6 year old transchild doesn't know who she is, it's just that there are so many other children who are still trying out other identities, and don't have a real clear grasp of "real" and "pretend" yet.

An older child would make a far more positive impact - because even a child of 9 or 10 is going to have a firm grasp of what is real and what is make-believe. And a ten year old who was born male and has been sure since she was 4 that she is a girl, is going to come across as knowing her own mind more than a six year old making the same statement.

And the parents saying stupid shit like that their BABY preferred certain toys and colors and clothes, and looking back that's how they knew she was "different" makes it come across like they are pushing their own agenda.

[valsa]

Almost every article mentioned that most kids like Coy do end up identifying with their biological gender by the time they hit puberty. So while it's important to get feedback from trans adults about their childhood experiences, I think it is equally important to hear from adults who were transgendered as kids, but for whatever reason did not complete the transition as adults.

This is a good reason to argue that nothing permanent be done to a trans child this young, but not a good reason not to allow a child who identifies as a girl to live as one.

[FloraDoraDolly]

I think its quite a logical conclusion with a 6 year old. She would know that when someone has something wrong with their body, they go to the doctor to have it fixed, and she knows she is a girl and knows that girls arent supposed to have penises, so there must be something wrong.

I hope the parents aren't emphasizing the idea that there is something wrong with Coy's body. If that were my child, I would stress that her body is a perfectly healthy boy body and everything is functioning as it should. No matter what Coy decides to do as an adolescent or adult, she is going to have to live inside that boy body for many years, so I think it's best for her to learn to feel comfortable in her own skin and not view her body as sick or defective.

[the 4th survivor]

Coy has asked to be called "her" and identifies as a girl, why do you insist on calling her a him?

Because no matter what he thinks he is he's still a boy. Like I said I respect a person's right to do what they want with their bodies but genetics decides what you are and I'm not gonna call them something else just to make them feel better.

Just curious, what would you say if he decided in a couple years he wanted to be a boy again? Would you start calling him a he again? What if a few years later he decided he was wrong and liked it better as a girl? Should we just call a person a girl or a boy based on what they feel like at the time?