Bro Gary Hawkins 17: Naschitti

[Ozlsn]

5 hours ago, Xan said:

Somebody has been talking smack about Bro Gary.  Wonder what this is about?  There are so many possibilities...

How many churches has he "preached" at recently?

 

[thoughtful]

On 5/8/2021 at 12:31 PM, Xan said:

Also, what is this "by way of the grave"?  Is he still hoping to get raptured up instead of dying?  

He screams that he's fine with either, in most of his messages. But, of course, he thinks the Rapture is coming  any day now, and would prefer that.

ETA - happy Mother's - er, Mother Day to the mother who made him what he is today (and for whom he does nothing), and Becky:

 

Edited May 10, 2021 by thoughtful

[AmazonGrace]

Unintentionally funny:

[Four is Enough]

He's in Maryland? Go away, Gary!

 

[thoughtful]

The video of Sunday School at Harmony Baptist Church in Westernport MD starts with all singing Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus. The pianist is a flourish-lover, inserting scales and arpeggios all over the place.

After an inaudible prayer, the pastor announces that Gary will be preaching, and says he'd been there in the fall of 2019, and this visit was "Just kinda on a whim - was passin' through and just gave us a call." So Gary drummed this one up to fill a gap in his grifting schedule.

The pastor asks for prayers, including for some people who have Covid, and tells them there are gifts for all of the mothers - plaques his wife made. They all sing Open My Eyes That I May See, with a zillion piano flourishes.

Gary comes up and reassures them that the Lord is still on the throne, and that Gary is from Germanton NC, and has a burden for America. He also yaks about his recent and upcoming itineraries for a while.

They don't care, Gary.

Gary wants to talk about the church, because the church is being attacked.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+16%3A18&version=KJV

Gary tells them that "Mr. Bahden take - tooken - take away - our National Pray Day - Prayer  Day."

No, Gary - he didn't have a big event due to Covid, but the National Day of Prayer was not cancelled. I wish somebody would finally get rid of this stupid thing that shouldn't exist in a country with separation of church and state, but no, Biden didn't do that.

https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2021/may/07/facebook-posts/fact-checking-posts-about-2021-national-day-prayer/

Gary prayed that day, because nobody can tell him he can't pray. Yes, Gary, and President Biden would be the first to support that. Are you that stupid or that dishonest, or is it a mix?

Gary says Jacob recognized the church as they pulled in and said "it should be called bait church." Gary says that's because of "the ball thing."

Here's a picture of the church - I have no idea what they are talking about:

http://hbcwesternport.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/HBC.jpg

But while I was trying to figure out what Gary was talking about, I visited the church's Facebook page looking for pictures, and guess who was there last fall?

https://www.facebook.com/HarmonyWesternport/posts/723597541612783

Rodrigueses! That's the church that took them bowling, for "fun, godly fellowship!"

Gary rambles about churches closing, and more details about the church in Altoona PA he's been trying to help than they need to know.

He blathers about another church, in NY, that "almost came to the part of bein' closed," but God intervened, and Gary's scheduled to do a tent meeting there.

At the White House, "they do not like God. Joe Bahden kin claim to be a Catholic if he wants to, that's OK, he's no more a Catholic'n anything else - we know for sure that he hates God you say wha? Anybody that didn't hate God would not take prayer away. Amen? Am ah makin' sense? Ah'm not preachin' politicians, ah'm preaching what people say they are, but they're not. Ah'ma Baptist, and ah thank God ah'ma Baptist, but what's gettin' me into heaven's Jesus Christ, amen?"

Gary wants to add Saturday night services to the week.

And he finally gets around to what he usually says right after reading this verse - reminding them that the Catholics say that Peter was the first Pope, but they're wrong.

He gets into his anti-news bit, and we get this interesting reversal: "What's happened in the last year is the devil no doubt has got into a lotta people that he did throughout the Bahble days, amen? And he has got a lot of people that's worried about what's goin' on on the news rather than what's goin' on in the church. People are fearlessssss . . . because of the media. That's where we're at today am ah makin' sense?"

No, Gary, you aren't - fearless is just the opposite of what you meant, and adding a hiss at the end doesn't change that.

And Gary suddenly starts talking about Little House on the Prairie. He's heard that less than 20% of what's on that show actually happened, and most of you see on television is not true.

Gary assures us, about televangelists, that "90% of them don't even have no idea what they're talkin' about. Amen? Ah'm just sayin' you say wha is that? Because church is not important." Short pause. "Rat poison. Ever'body knows - you know how much rat poison is bad, in the poison part?  Less than 10%."

Gary seems to be in the mood for percentages. He's used the rat poison analogy before (the point is that televangelists sugar-coat and entertain, but there is poison there), but this time he never makes the point - he just leaves it at rat poison.

Gary says he wants old fashioned songs in church, and that he noticed, on their missions board, that they support "the Rodrigues family - did ah say that raht? Don't tell 'em ah cain't pronounce their name."

Gary says he's listened to some of their videos, and asks "What's wrong with music lahk that?"

Oh, Gary, don't get me started.

He tells a story about one of his daughters, at, he claims, an age where she'd only recently learned to walk, hearing some music in a church they went into, and asking him "Now, Daddy, is that Godly music?"

He says he got them out of there right away. He figured if she could already tell that was "wrong music," he'd better get her out of there before she got used to it.

Citation needed, Gary.

Gary mentions the martyr's book - he always claims he can't pronounce the name, but I wonder if he doesn't have the same fear about saying "Foxe's" as he does about "obituary" - that it will come out sounding like "cussing."

Gary's not sure how many preachers "in the day and hour we live in" are willing to die.

Gary hears from people in lots of countries where they get jailed and persecuted for having church, and "that's comin' to America." Really, Gary? You keep predicting it, but I see no proof of that.

Our rights are being taken away. "In our Constitution, of religious rahts, was it not founded  that we are to meet together in church?"

And he's on about the virus. The Hawkins family hasn't stopped. "Matter of fact, with God's help, we done things that they said we couldn't do. You say 'you tryin' t'be a law-breaker?' No, ah'm just a - ah'm tryin' to do what God said to do."

Gary's not making light of the virus, of course. He says "they" made it sound like it was going to be a real bad thing, at first, he knows the pastor of this church had it, claims he thinks he had it in February 2020, before they even knew what it was, that he's lost preacher friends to it, and that he wishes he'd get it and die and go to Heaven, but he doesn't want the worst part, because he knows a lot of people have suffered. But he's not making light of it.

Gary, we know you are a shit-for-brains, but at least stick to one angle - you're all over the place!

Gary thinks he would be willing to die for Harmony Baptist Church. He blathers mindlessly about church being essential for a while. He claims he was in church more than he was out, in April (he needs Becky to remind him how many days there are in April). And softer and softer, to the end.

I guess he's saving the electric chair and "make sure you're saved" for the other two services.

[Joyster]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says Jacob recognized the church as they pulled in and said "it should be called bait church." Gary says that's because of "the ball thing."

Here's a picture of the church - I have no idea what they are talking about:

http://hbcwesternport.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/HBC.jpg

But while I was trying to figure out what Gary was talking about, I visited the church's Facebook page looking for pictures, and guess who was there last fall?

 

Could Gary have said bar?  The church is next door to a bar, and the parking lots connect in the back. You don't see a KJV church connected to a bar very often, and I can see Jacob remembering that.  While I haven't heard it, I can see Gary telling Jacob bars are bait for the devil.  I love when the Gary and Rodrigues worlds cross.  One day we'll get them together.

Edit: Moran's is a liquor store and a lounge.  They have bands that play heathen music!  I can see Gary having a problem with this place.  He probably doesn't like that there are more cars in their parking lot either.

Spoiler

 

Edited May 11, 2021 by Joyster
New info

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, Joyster said:

Could Gary have said bar?  The church is next door to a bar, and the parking lots connect in the back. You don't see a KJV church connected to a bar very often, and I can see Jacob remembering that.  While I haven't heard it, I can see Gary telling Jacob bars are bait for the devil.

I can see the "bait" idea - in fact, I think I've heard Gary make jokes like that, either about this church (have I been listening to him that long?!) or another that is close to a place of sin.

But it really sounds like he says "ball," not "bar." That part of his message starts at about the 19 minute mark, if you want to check it out.

1 hour ago, Joyster said:

I love when the Gary and Rodrigues worlds cross.  One day we'll get them together.

They do know one another - we found out about Gary due to Jill.

But I don't think we've seen them in the same place at the same time.

Can you imagine Phillip learning preaching technique from Gary?

"No, son, it's HAYmen - use your diafarm to push out that H! And ya gotta hissssss more."

[Dana723]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

And Gary suddenly starts talking about Little House on the Prairie. He's heard that less than 20% of what's on that show actually happened, and most of you see on television is not true.

What in the world does that have to do with anything?  I have a feeling that Gary just preaches whatever pops into his mind at the time and since his mind is a jumble, so is his preaching.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Gary says he wants old fashioned songs in church, and that he noticed, on their missions board, that they support "the Rodrigues family - did ah say that raht? Don't tell 'em ah cain't pronounce their name."

It's so exciting when two of your worlds collide!  Squee!

[Ozlsn]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Gary tells them that "Mr. Bahden take - tooken - take away - our National Pray Day - Prayer  Day."

No, Gary - he didn't have a big event due to Covid, but the National Day of Prayer was not cancelled. I wish somebody would finally get rid of this stupid thing that shouldn't exist in a country with separation of church and state, but no, Biden didn't do that.

I really want Biden to troll them by having Muslim prayers, along with any/all other denominations.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Our rights are being taken away. "In our Constitution, of religious rahts, was it not founded  that we are to meet together in church?"

Er... No?

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

I wonder if he doesn't have the same fear about saying "Foxe's" as he does about "obituary" - that it will come out sounding like "cussing."

Ok, Foxe's I can see... but obituary?

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

And Gary suddenly starts talking about Little House on the Prairie. He's heard that less than 20% of what's on that show actually happened, and most of you see on television is not true.

Gary discovers that fiction is A Thing. Now if he could apply that concept to the bullshit he spouts unquestioningly...

[thoughtful]

57 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

Ok, Foxe's I can see... but obituary?

I assume he's afraid people will think he's saying "bitch" on that second syllable.

I looked at the Facebook page for Moran's - they and their customers seem more focused on food than drink, were much more sensible and compliant with the law than Gary when it came to the past year's problems, and people posting there seem like a supportive and pleasant community.

There's a running gag with one man who always comments that the food pictured looks either "exquisite" or "heavenly," and lots of kidding around.

I don't even drink, and I hate loud places, but I'd rather go there than to that church!

https://www.facebook.com/moranslounge

Edited May 11, 2021 by thoughtful
clarity

[postscript]

9 hours ago, Dana723 said:

What in the world does that have to do with anything?  I have a feeling that Gary just preaches whatever pops into his mind at the time and since his mind is a jumble, so is his preaching.

It's so exciting when two of your worlds collide!  Squee!

Agree on both counts. I have a theory Gary doesn’t prepare for these other than to come up with what he calls a “theme” and maybe pick some Bible verses. Other than that, he seems to wing his sermons, which would account for the weird mashup of thoughts and random stories dropped in from nowhere. 

Gary, lots of stories are made up. Andy Griffith is made up. Even some news commentators make stuff up (or at the very least use questionable sources). Part of being an intelligent adult is learning to tell the difference. 

Plus a Rodrigues shoutout! My two favorite FJ threads come together!

[thoughtful]

On 5/11/2021 at 9:03 AM, postscript said:

I have a theory Gary doesn’t prepare for these other than to come up with what he calls a “theme” and maybe pick some Bible verses. Other than that, he seems to wing his sermons, which would account for the weird mashup of thoughts and random stories dropped in from nowhere. 

I think he plans the theme, the verses, and the preaching riffs. In fact, if anything, most of the preaching is as predictable as can be. I've heard messages with the same title enough times to know that they are fairly consistent - in numbered sections, no less!

Yes, he sounds that bizarre despite planning!

He thinks he's being original when he picks new verses and a new title, but those are often followed up by his usual routines.

I think specific things happen that make Gary sound random and unplanned because he's so stupid and arrogant, and so caught up in his screaming/cooing/solemnly intoning preacher performance.

Sometimes what makes his speech nonsensical is that he has said something so many times that he seems to think he has finished his thought and the listeners know what he means. He throws out disjointed sentence fragments, or never makes his point (as in the rat poison reference).

In many cases, I only know what he is getting at because I've heard the same bit so many times, and have put the fragments from various yell-fests together like a patchwork quilt, or was lucky enough to hear him actually say it in full sentences once.

He also veers from one thing to another suddenly. But usually the next riff he hops to is also an old familiar one. Sometimes I think it was planned as part of the message, sometimes it sounds more like his brain suddenly told him "this familiar bit would fit here, too - throw it in." In that sense, I think the "whatever pops into his mind" theory applies.

Even when he says he's diverged from his planned message, and claims to be saying what God told him to say at that moment, what comes out is usually one of his canned routines.

Often, when he is preaching several times on a Sunday, or a revival, and I am ready to hear the next usual chunk of junk, Gary will say he has more on that subject, but he is saving it for an upcoming service. It always sounds like it's difficult for him not to launch into the usual thing that follows whatever he just said. Sometimes he can't resist, and rolls out the same riff in two or three services in a row ("Ah know ah said it this mornin' but y'all need to hear it again," or a similar excuse, will sometimes follow).

Another thing that makes him sound random is that, despite his planning and reading specific Bible verses, he throws beloved memorized verses and stories in - misquoted 23rd Psalm, Job, Lazarus and the rich man, the prodigal son, the rich young ruler, Shadrach et al, "It is appointed unto men once to _____" (let the congregation fill in "die"), and, of course, 2 Corinthians 13:5, ending with a solemnly spoken "reptobate."

As for adding new thoughts, he tends to get random (but sometimes even these sound planned - badly thought out, but planned) in four ways; he makes a point or a joke based on something that he just heard or read, he adds in whatever is most recent in his mind from his travels (sometimes with upcoming itinerary, as well), he thinks he's gotten some great insight from a recent experience, or he tries the traveling comedian's trick of making a local or personal reference (see Carowinds/Caraweee and mocking the pastor's child for her diet).

And those, in addition to malapropisms and mispronunciations in the middle of the Bible readings and familiar riffs, are the things that make me stop playing solitaire and go back to listen and recap!

BTW, I found out, while puttering around on Facebook right after Gary left the church where he made that stupid comment about the daughter's food, that she is eating, if I remember correctly, vegan, due to developing new food sensitivities after having Covid.

But Gary's not makin' light of the vahris. 

Edited January 10, 2022 by thoughtful

[Xan]

29 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

I think he plans the theme, the verses, and the preaching riffs. In fact, if anything, most of the preaching is as predictable as can be. I've heard messages with the same title enough times to know that they are fairly consistent - in numbered sections, no less!

I think he uses his limited brain power to come up with the theme and maybe look up a passage (or yell at Jacob or Becky to find one for him).  I believe you're right that he has his verses and riffs that he uses.  He also likes to include any real or imagined slights so that he can complain and say he's not complaining.  I'll admit that my favorite parts of his services -- when I can force myself to listen to him -- are the moments when he's thwarted.  Those churches that trap him behind the lectern bother him.  He loves to wander and yell at the congregation.  And when he yells "Hayman!" and no one answers him -- even when he cups his ear -- it makes me want to applaud.

I understand that he preaches to the like-minded but when he says something like "Bahden took away...National Prayer Day", don't they realize he's lying?  At the very least, he shouldn't be outright lying up there.

[thoughtful]

34 minutes ago, Xan said:

I understand that he preaches to the like-minded but when he says something like "Bahden took away...National Prayer Day", don't they realize he's lying?  At the very least, he shouldn't be outright lying up there.

That's why I sometimes wish I could see the congregants' faces. I figure many of them, and certainly those laughing and yelling assent, read and watch the same right-wing stuff he does. The fact-checking article I found about Biden not cancelling the Prayer Day exists because there are people circulating that lie.

But I would love to see if there are doubtful faces when he says shit like that. He often says he's going to move on, "because ah'm makin' half of ya mad." But who knows if that's true, or just Gary's ego speaking because he's not getting yells of "come on, preacher!" and "Amen!" from every single person.

Here are Gary's latest posts. I have no idea what the latest "distraction" is, to him, but "the more y'all at in these things the government is doing, the more they will continue to do." Wise words.

Spoiler

Spoiler

Gary wants more church services. Is it the love offerings or his addiction to church driving this desire, or a little of each?

Spoiler

 

[Xan]

I've got to say that I went to church a lot as a kid and I never went to a Saturday night prayer meeting.  I think Gary is just trying to drum up more business.

[EyesOpen]

In the late 80s I was a young child and my parents and grandparents were very in to the evangelical movement at the time... I think it was a thing. Billy graham or something? At any rate, the church and ‘Christian women’ was my mom and grandma’s whole social life. (Dad worked swings but he went when he was home/ rested). We were in church Sunday mornings and evenings. Wednesday evenings, I want to say another day or maybe just earlier for choir practice and then christian women’s meetings twice a month. - Saturday’s maybe? I was less than 9 and memories are foggy... but I think in small towns if people are stay at home parents or not in school or work - this is like your whole social life. A traveling preacher is a reason to have a pot luck and hang out... kinda like a party.

not a  party I’d want to attend every night... but it’s no longer the 80s with no internet, I no longer live in a small farm town and I’m busy with work and kids and other things. 

 folks in these small towns may just be looking for something to do and also they would look at me and say I’ve ‘fallen away’ and I’m busy ‘in the world’ instead of focusing on the church. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by EyesOpen

[missy1228]

I just watched Gary's new video, posted from where they are staying (free, of course) somewhere in Kentucky. 

Having been raised in a fundi-lite Baptist home where I was in church whenever the doors were open, it pains me to start this next bit with what I am going to, but I feel I have no choice..

Lord Jesus above help me, but in this video, Gary reminds me of a mental health patient who has unmedicated (severe) ADHD (thus his being easily distracted), unmedicated schizoaffective disorder and untreated tourette's syndrome. For a video less than 10 minutes of length, I can't help but be a little impressed he managed to fit all that in.?

Edited May 11, 2021 by missy1228
Spelling/grammar

[thoughtful]

The Sunday main service at Harmony By the Lounge church starts with a rousing rendition of At Calvary, then The Banner of the Cross. The pianist's flourishes for this one have a certain "bar room in an old Western" feel. I couldn't get a good shot of her high-piled hair in the last video, but we can see it better now:

Spoiler

Gary moans and yesses through an inaudible prayer from a congregant. The pastor praises mothers again, and reminds them all of the gifts at the back of the church, making it clear that not having been at Sunday school is not to be punished. He even encourages people to take them for moms who didn't come to church, and offers to hand-deliver some.

Hey, not shaming people for not being in church - what a concept! Gary, you should try it sometime!

He praises Gary's Sunday school message (nooooo! Don't swell his head any further!). Announcements include one for the first all-singing meeting they will have since the pandemic began, so it seems like they might have curtailed some activities for safety.

Then comes the offering, after a prayer from this man, which makes me think we will probably hear some nastiness about casual dress from Gary later:

Spoiler

Someone claps and whistles along with the very rousing, military piano playing during the Offertory - Gary, I assume.

The pastor talks about his mom, and coming from a large family - 8 kids. He said one supermarket checker always asked "are them all yours?" His mother tried to be patient with hearing the same things over and over, and chose to answer the predictable "your hands are full" with "my heart's full, too." If she said it like he quotes it, it sounds like it was sweet, not preachy.

They all sing Be Thou Exalted, trying to be heard over the banging piano.

The Hawkinses sing, then it's Gary's turn to edify us.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+1%3A1-8&version=KJV

Oh, Gary, why did you choose this? Did you have to start in "verses" 1? Really - look at that first place name! I would hesitate to tackle that, and I can see the structure of the Hebrew in it - ramat is "the heights of," haimZophim is "the lives of Zoph, or "those who live in Zoph." The pronunciation should be, roughly "ramat-hka-eem-zoe-feem."

KJV: Now there was a certain man of Ramathaimzophim, of mount Ephraim, and his name was Elkanah, the son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephrathite:
Bro Gary Version: Now there was a certain man of  - Ramath-eemius, of mount Ephram, and his name was Ellikin, the son of Jeph - Jepheram, the son of Ay - Ellihum, the son of Tohu, the son of Zepha, an - an Epherathite ah sure am glad mah name wa'n't in the Bahble amen. Not one a them names, ah'm glad mah Mama didn't know much about this whenever ah was borned amen!

KJV: And he had two wives; the name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other Peninnah
BGV: And he had two wahves; the name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other was Panana.

Yes, exactly like banana, but with a P.

KJV: And this man went up out of his city yearly to worship and to sacrifice unto the Lord of hosts in Shiloh. And the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, the priests of the Lord, were there
BGV: And his nan - and this man - this man went out of the city yearly to worship and to sacrifice unto the Lord of hosts of Sha - Sha-own. And the two sons of Eelum, Hoephnia and Phileneas, the priests of the Lord, were there

KJV: And as he did so year by year,
BFV: And as he had - and as he did year so yearly bah year, so year bah year,

"Now, for the sake of tahm, we didn't have tahm to read all these things, but  . . . here we have, and y'know what? Ah thank God that God didn't just have min, he had women in - in the Bahble as well, amen? And ah believe that's what we - we're - women and min, ya think about gray - talk about gray-haired min to be honored, we need to honor our elders that are that done somethin' for the Lord Jesus Christ, amen?"

I find out that I did remember correctly - Gary's family "got in church" when he was three.

"Back in the days, he was talkin' about bein' in a large family, mah mother-in-law, her, she had, what, 12 siblings, is that right?"
Becky: "No, that was my grandmother."
Gary: "Yer grandmother had 12 siblings, and so, uh, ah guess your mother had seven siblings, ____________ (something I can't understand - sounds like "separay, send to the world" - Becky is trying to talk at the same time)."

Gary talks about people gawking at them when they had all seven  of the children with them. He imitates them staring, zombie-like, while slowly turning with their grocery carts:

Spoiler

Looks like a bad Frankenstein impression, Gary.

While trying to say why, "back in the days" people had big families, Gary says "they had big children because somebody had to take care of the farm."

Some mothers work on bus routes - "them children may not be their children, far as, uh bahlog'licly or whatever, but you know what, they're their children you say wha 'cause they're trahin'ta instill in them chil'ren somethin'."

Gary says everyone has a hand in raising all of the children right. Hey Gary, I have a book for you:

Spoiler

"Ah'm tellin' you raht now we're in a tahm when ah'm not even sure some tahm bahlogical chil - mothers love bahlogical children any more."

Gary, there have always been such parents. In fact, not being totally trapped into having children, and lots of them, may have led to more children being truly loved, in these times that you think are so evil.

Gary goes off into his usual routine about being happy his mother beat him. He gets chuckles.

Back in the day, mothers took care of children, because the father "was out doin' the job, doin' the farm."

Insert "when the men were men and the sheep were nervous" joke here.

Gary says "Ah thank God for mah raisin's." I'm assuming the missing g there, and that he meant "raisings" - but maybe Gary is just grateful for dried grapes.

Back the bible reading - he thinks Hannah was a pretty good mother, and raised her child to be a godly child. Gary, until you read more of Samuel, that makes no sense - so far, Hannah was the one without children (spoiler alert - she prays and gets one).

And a garbled mess of old bits ensues, including old-time preachers and their wives, how he can't do anything without Becky's help and that she's part of the ministry (which he always seems to think is a shockingly feminist message), raising up children in the church, some of his kids have gone astray, the prodigal son.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+1%3A10&version=KJV

We need women to pray. Gary knows some women who are his prayer warriors. We need "fevrent" prayers.

Gary screams about praying for a while, and tells them that Hannah's prayer and weeping got her a child.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+1%3A11&version=KJV

"We need women that'll keep their words."

He does some of his familiar riffs about keeping vows, not gossiping about preachers in front of the children ("they have had preacher for dinner, but the preacher wasn't there"). Gary's got some cousins he thinks are not saved because his uncle bad-mouthed preachers.

When Becky is "hangin' around " with other women, Gary tells her "you kin hang out, you kin fellowship, butcha cain't gossip." He admits there are some men that are just as bad, but "we're workin' on women this mornin'."

"Some people'll tell you they've never argued with their husband or wife, they never had a spout or anything like that."

OK, Gary's malaprop problem has actually come up with a great word - "spout" for a spat between spouses! What a shame it already has a meaning.

Gary does his usual bit about wanting to go out onto the road, and Becky telling him he was in the wrong prayer closet, but "God got aholt of her" and she's been supportive ever since, making sure they know that she only missed one meeting in eight years, when she had the "surgery on her stomach to lose weight," and even then, she "used that technology thing" to order him Chinese food in Ohio, from North Carolina.

"Ah don't make fun of mah wahf's decisions, 'cause ah'm one of 'em, amen."

That would be cute, if it was true.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+1%3A15&version=KJV

Gary believes Hannah was a concerned woman. You need to be concerned about your family.

Gary needs Becky's prayers, because he believes she can get in touch with God. You've gotten a bit off of the subject of what mothers can do for children, there, Gary - it seems to be all about you.

Sometimes, when it comes to finances, Gary says "God will provide," and Becky says "Yeah, but you need to go do somethin' about this."

He gets on the bus children again, and how their parents are so awful. They need the kind of concern that Hannah showed.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+1%3A17&version=KJV

Believe that God can. He gives several examples of people getting what they prayed for, then some of his usual riffs about faith.

"Listen, ahmanna tell ya raht now ah was talkin'  we was uh - knockin' on doors up in New York with uh where we was at there last week, 'n' we met this gah that was a - you remember what he was?"
Becky and Jacob: "Russian Orthodox."
Gary: "Russian Orthodox. 'N' he, 'n' he said, he said, 'Ah sorta look at mahself lahk doubtin' Thomas.' Ah said 'Well ahmanna tell ya somethin' - you better realahze that God is real and he's the only one 'at can git to Heaven.' "N' we talked to him, he - their church s'posed to use the King James Bahble, ah don't unnerstand - ah don't know a whole lot about that stuff. But all ah - ah didn't go in there tellin' him about Baptists, ah went in there tellin' him about Jesus."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+1%3A28&version=KJV

Dedicate your children to the Lord.

"Far as ah know, all of our children have been dedicated to the Lord, is that raht?"
Becky: "Mm-hmm."
Gary: "As a young babe."

"You know what? What children you got, bahlogical, mah children ah got bahlogical 'n' stuff lahk that, ahmanna tell ya somethin' - they came from the Lord."

Gary, you almost let it slip that you never met four of "your" children until well after they were born - twice!

"We unnerstand you women beared your children, but they came from the Lord."

"Y'know, today's Mother's Day. I'da loved to spent today with mah mother. Butchu know what mah mother had to do? She had to let me go, 'cause ah had a cause. Amen."

Bullshit, Gary.

Gary says he didn't "do the Facetahm thing" with his mother, because he's not that technological. Becky says "Your mom's not either," and giggles. Gary mocks his mother's inability with technology some more, then tells us he called her and said "Mama, happy Mother's Day, ah love you, but ah'm doin' what Jesus told me to do."

And his mother lets him go, because he belongs to God.

The Lord is soon comin'.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+2%3A1&version=KJV

We ought to rejoice that the Lord lets us have children, if our children are going to Heaven, or if the Lord lets us be an influence on a child.

And he's on to Job, briefly, without explaining why.

"If your mother's in Heaven, rejoiccce that you know that, one of these days, you're gonna see her face to face."

1 Samuel 2:3, KJV: Talk no more so exceeding proudly; let not arrogancy come out of your mouth: for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.
BGV: Talk no more so exceely prowly; let no - airgocy come outta tha mouth - your mouth: for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighted.

Be careful that what you say is from the Lord. Hannah gave her son up and only saw him once a year, and they probably had some good fellowship when they got together.

He goes back to verse 1, and asks them to look at the end: because I rejoice in thy salvation.

Salvation is the most important thing that anybody has. Gary believes both Hannah and Samuel were saved, by their testimonies - he says something meaningless about how it was different in the Old Testament, but it was still by the blood.

Never mind trying to explain it, Gary - we know you are one of those "Jesus was wherever and whenever I want him to have been" believers.

You better make sure you're saved. Eternity's a long time.

And 2 Corinthians 13:5. And the rich man in torment.

And he jokes about doubting Becky's salvation.

And we're soon gittin' outta here.

Edited January 10, 2022 by thoughtful

[Xan]

26 minutes ago, missy1228 said:

I just watched Gary's new video, posted from where they are staying (free, of course) somewhere in Kentucky. 

Having been raised in a fundi-lite Baptist home where I was in church whenever the doors were open, it pains me to start this next bit with what I am going to, but I feel I have no choice..

Lord Jesus above help me, but in this video, Gary reminds me of a mental health patient who has unmedicated (severe) ADHD (thus his being easily distracted), unmedicated schizoaffective disorder and untreated tourette's syndrome. For a video less than 10 minutes of length, I can't help but be a little impressed he managed to fit all that in.?

You weren't kidding.  Gary is worked up in this one.  I particularly enjoyed when he said there was no need to try to put extra gas in cans because "it turns into water" in about "a month".  I actually looked up how long you can store gas.  It's 3 to 6 months and it doesn't turn into water.  It just loses volatility.

I also liked "fame-in" for "famine" and "flare-ishing" for "flourishing".  

For anyone who doesn't want to watch him, this is Gary showing how people look who are panicking about the gas situation:

Spoiler

 

[thoughtful]

1 hour ago, missy1228 said:

I just watched Gary's new video, posted from where they are staying (free, of course) somewhere in Kentucky. 

A state which, he makes sure to tell us, has a "crooked governor," just like North Carolina. I believe "crooked" is Gary's way of saying "Democratic."

His Donald Trump phone ring screams at us. Gary claims it is Donald Trump calling, and he can call him back.

Hahaha.

"OK, folks. You see what's goin' on in our country. Y'see, all goin' aroun; ah mean now all of a sudden you wake up this mornin' and gotta gas shortage which ah think it was through yesterday 'n'  . . you know, um, ah told a preacher last naht ah said 'That's OK, you kin skeer ever'body real good, now just go home, which ah - ' then ah just read somethin' so, ahmanna tell ya anybod - any of y'all that's gitting yer gas 'n' storin' it up, uh, y'know after a whahl that gas turns back inta water, 'n' so, after ah  say within a month, or less, yer gas won't even be no good."

Gary says to go ahead and let the news media scare you into "not goin' nowhere," because you'll be home when Gary and his family come to your church.

After some meaningless sentence fragments, Gary says he thinks some supposedly saved people and even preachers don't believe in prayer any more. Because they're concerned about things.

Gary talked to a lady where he's staying, and "she caught the Covid, and she's laughin' at it." But he's not making light of it.

Gary knows he'll get criticism. "But the more you criticahze me, the more ah know ah'm raht. Because ah'm raht with the Bahble."

We get "in the days of Noee" and lots of repeats of "famine" with a long a.

"We gotta get our eyes offa" the news media, Joe Bahden and "Donald Trump. Yep, raht there he is, Donald Trump 2020. He won! But we gotta git our ahs off that and get our ahs on Jesus."

Spoiler

He's pissy and defensive, and, as ever, blames people who didn't pray when Trump was president and everything was wonderful and there were not shortages. "Yeah, you know, they had the shortage-a toilet paper, well ahmanna tell ya, ah never missed one tahm of uh usin' whatchu wanna use toilet paper for whether it's uh in the bathroom or whether it's whatever you wanna use it for, so we never - we never run out thank God for that, God supplied."

I guess Gary thinks he has the answer to this question:

Spoiler

Gary says he has to stop, because he "has to" take his wife to the grocery store. And who is she feeding with those groceries, you selfish shit?

But he rants some more about people who worry about gas instead of when Jesus is coming, and frenetically imitates the fear he imagines in them:

Spoiler

"God ain't poppin' pills, so hey - ah gotta go. God bless ya - pray ya have a great day."

But first he wipes his nose, and screams about getting back to God, and how "Isrl" is being bombed because it turned it's back on God, and that's comin' to America, because America has turned its back on God.

Spoiler

 

 

"Folks, it's tahm to wake up. It's tahm to quit sleepin'. It's qua - ka - tahm to quit bein' sloppish, an' git up, stand up, git on our feet, and uh, listen hey, go for the Lord Jesus Christ.

Sloppish. Another keeper.

ETA - I didn't see @Xan's post until I finished mine - hope I wasn't redundant. But now everyone has a fine collection of Gary's panic faces for any avatars they might want to make, or just for Halloween inspiration.

 

Edited May 11, 2021 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

On 5/11/2021 at 5:21 PM, missy1228 said:

Lord Jesus above help me, but in this video, Gary reminds me of a mental health patient who has unmedicated (severe) ADHD (thus his being easily distracted), unmedicated schizoaffective disorder and untreated tourette's syndrome. For a video less than 10 minutes of length, I can't help but be a little impressed he managed to fit all that in.?

Girl, that ain't mental health issues, that there's preachifyin'!

Back to Sunday evening, at the little church in the vale between the lounge, the storage area for enormous truck trailers, and the Potomac:

Spoiler

The pianist is loudly arpeggiating again, and, after greeting everyone, the pastor leads them in trying to sing Our Great Savior over her loudness. The tune is Hyfrydol, which I know well, but almost didn't recognize with all of her pounding and extra decorations.

This is a church that needs someone to "decorate" the back of the upright piano - with something thick and soft.

Gary moans as a congregant prays. The pastor asks if anyone found the mistake in the bulletin "this week," and mocks himself for how frequently he messes something up. Unlike Gary, he sounds sincere in his self-correction.

Another collection, backed up by loud piano playing that is straight out of the old-west bar room.

Again, the Mother's Day gifts are still on offer, even for Moms who didn't come to church. The pastor asks for testimony about inspiration from Moms. A woman gives thanks for the godly women in her life - not her mother, because her mother isn't saved, so she's praying for that - the women in the church. Becky is thankful for her mother raising her in church, and for her mother and mother-in-law praying for her.

They sing God Leads Us Along, with, of course, thick, loud, overblown piano embellishments.

Becky sings, ending with Preach On. Gary thanks them for the nice room, basket, and meals. This thing (life, that is) is about over, we're about to go home, etc.

However, if Jesus tarries His coming he'd love to return and put up the tent.

Oh, yeah, Gary, do a revival on weekday evenings when the lounge is open. I want to hear a battle of the bands between the Hawkinses and Surrender Dorothy.

"If ya ever git somebody come up here preachin' somethin' besides Jesus, yes, your preacher ought to set him down amen.  Run him off the property, shoot 'im, whatever ya need to do amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+2%3A12-25&version=KJV

KJV: After this he went down to Capernaum
BGV: After this he went down to Capriana

Gary's thinking about the church. What a surprise. This is his Why People Aren't Having Fun in Church message.

Most of this is old familiar Garyshit - church is important, it should be fun but not a place of commerce, Gary doesn't have to go, he gets to go, etc.

He says they shouldn't feel bad because there's a "beer joint" next door, because, once, in Oklahoma (he digresses into a long rabbit trail about not understanding technology talk or big words - I think he must have been baffled when the pastor and Becky used the word "dispensary" when discussing where they were giving out flyers, but I'm guessing) they were next to "the weed store." Gary doubts those people with their prescriptions were using it for medical purposes.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+2%3A1-4&version=KJV

People don't have fun in church because they've lost the love. You should love your pastor.

But, of course, he's sniping on pastors within a minute. "Ah'm not bein' ugly, ah'm not bein' mean."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+5%3A18-20&version=KJV

As ever, he pronounces "excess" as "exceess." And he does his usual bit about the old songs, not boogie woogie, the "smoke thing" and the swaying. He likes Fanny Crosby (he has to ask Becky her name twice, and asks "wasn't she the blahhnd woman?") and the old red hymnal books.

He says Becky likes the piano in their church, and Gary joked about stealing it.

"Ah wasn't worried about nobody in this church hearin' me sing, ya say wha? Piana was louder'n ah was, amen - that's not usual."

Gary announces the next reading, and actually says "look in verses 4 and 5." And that's what he reads! It's a miracle!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+2%3A4-5&version=KJV

He screams about preaching, not sugar-coated, he knows they're getting mad at him, if the devil could fool perfect Eve, he can fool you, God inspired the KJV, Allah and Buddha burning in Hell like sausage for rejecting Jesus, Catholics worship Mary, but she was just a vessel - the usual.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+29%3A18&version=KJV

Gary starts yelling about missionaries, and asks Becky what country their friends the McFaddens are in. When Becky hesitates, he yells  "Whatever country it is" and goes on.

This is the usual, as well - if your "pasture" has a vision, you need to back him up, give him money, etc. Gary's mission is America, and he leaves tracts everywhere, because he has a vision. The rich man in torment gets in there somehow.

He yells the story about his father wanting to save the Methodist who ran the gas station, but waiting too long, and the man died. For some reason, this time he just says it was "a family member," and even stops himself when he almost slips up and says "mah -" as if he was about to say "mah daddy."

I have no idea why. Did his father tell him to stop saying it was him?

He reiterates proudly that he never stopped giving out tracts during the pandemic. He says he told people "You don't have to touch this, just read it."

That would be a neat trick - was he offering to hold it for them?

Gary wants to see people in "Walmarts - ah hate that place" get saved. He thinks "Sam what was his name Walton?" was a Christian, but now Walmarts has nothing to do with Christianity.

The I Love Lucy line gets silence from the congregation.

I occurred to me, since I figure Gary got this from some old preacher, to check and find out if it could actually be something preachers said at Sunday or Wednesday evening services, because of when I Love Lucy originally aired.

All 180 episodes aired on Monday evenings, originally. You should be joking about people needing to get home to watch Ed Sullivan, Gary.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=revelation+2%3A12-16&version=KJV

KJV: I know thy works, and where thou dwellest, even where Satan's seat is:
BGV: I know thy works, and where thou dwelleth, even when Satan sitteth - seat is in - Satan's seat is - is

KJV: So hast thou also them that hold the doctrine of the Nicolaitanes, which thing I hate.
BGV: So hath thou also them that hold the doctrines of Nic - N - Nicoladeon, which things ah hate.

Nicoladeon?

This is the "we're not having fun in church because we've lost our stand" section. Mostly familiar shit, but Gary tells us about going into a bar to give out tracts, but with a witness to make sure it was clear he didn't go in there to drink and lose his testimony.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+16%3A13-16&version=KJV

People aren't having fun in church because they've lost sight of who God is. He tells the story of Jack Hyles shlepping newly saved people next door to testify to the next person, the martyrs, his electric chair fantasy (this time he adds that he'll look like a light bulb when he gets to Heaven).

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Jude+21-22&version=KJV

If you're not having fun in church, you're not making a difference. He tells the story of the man his video inspired to go to Mexico.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galations+1%3A9&version=KJV

Gary knows some people who are preaching a wrong gospel, and they are going to Hell. And he gets softer as he winds down his message on having fun in church.

Edited January 10, 2022 by thoughtful
riffles

[thoughtful]

Gary has been very busy on Facebook.

Are y'all ready for the same old same old? Do y'all know what a comma is?

Spoiler

Any second now. Really. Just hang on . . . wait for it . . .

Spoiler

Is there a specific number needed? Like a quota or something?

Spoiler

 

Or maybe they just want to be alive and healthy, and it has nothing to do with obeying someone else.

Spoiler

 

Maybe, Gary, but I'm beginning to think that what keeps you doing anything these days is too much caffeine.

Spoiler

Gary, I thought no human can cause the end times, because nobody knows the day or the hour. That you're all over the place about, but you stick to your weird theory that clothing that isn't rigidly gender-based causes people to be homosexual and transgender. You never cease to be disgusting but entertaining, Gary.

Spoiler

 

[Alisamer]

Hannah and Panana cracked me up.

Also, one of those he signed "Bro Garu Hawkins".

I like that he threw a little shade at the super loud piano. Nice one, Garu.

[thoughtful]

38 minutes ago, Alisamer said:

Also, one of those he signed "Bro Garu Hawkins".

Good catch!

He's still going. Garu, drink some warm milk and relax - you're on some sort of a hate high.

Will keep see what is going on - deep, dude.

[postscript]

Be careful, Garu. That one about the liberals could easily be flipped to apply to conservatives. You’ve shown yourself only willing to play by the rules when it suits you.

And what does mask-wearing have to do with God’s word and God’s men? My Bible knowledge is a bit rusty, but I recall nothing in any version (and I’ve read many of them) about not wearing masks. I do, however, recall Jesus saying “Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s.”