Bro Gary Hawkins 17: Naschitti

[thoughtful]

Becky is trying to joke about nekkid mountains vs. clothed ones.

Spoiler

There are several more pictures. I don't know, Becky - looks a bit like a breast with a nipple.

OK, folks - back to the recap of Sunday evening, April 18. I will skip the non-Gary stuff.

Gary comes up, clearly cranky, and says "Well, amen. We won't be singin' tonight. Mebbe tomorrow night the generator'll work, ah don't know. That's the way it goes, amen. But it is good to be here tonight - mah daddy and mah pastor made it down."

He fails to tell them that his daddy and his pastor are the same person.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+4%3A7-11&version=KJV

Read haltingly and glumly, with lots of errors.

The title of the message is The Love of God.

Before Gary got saved, he "didn't love nobody."

"We was down there in Georgia for a coupla days 'n' listenin' to Brother David Hyles 'n' ah guess if yer gonna do anything for God, ananan' it ain't the World but it - now the World does hate you far as the part of the - for the name of the name of Christ, but most of the people that dislike you or you wanna use the word hate or whatever, is those  that are in the ministry today. It's a sad day that we're in, that that's the way it is, but ah guess it's because of jallisy or whatever ah've never - ah've never been jallis  of somebody else's ministry, ah mean heh - ah know who ah am, ah know where ah come from, and ah know what ah deserve, but it was with the love of God, y'know, that uh - that's the reason ah'm saved. Amen?"

Before he was saved, Gary "didn't think of nobody else," he thought of himself. "Butchu know what? Whenever, uh, before ah  was ever thought about, before the world was ever created, you know what? Or after the world was created, 'n' before we was ever created, you know who was on the cross - you know who was on our mahnd? Who - where - mah - Jesus was - Jesus had thought about us."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+3%3A16-17&version=KJV

General Gary screaming about giving and sacrificing and being chastened by God.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+14%3A1-4&version=KJV

Lots of errors, of course. General Gary screaming about Heaven.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+5%3A8&version=KJV

Gary doesn't understand God's unconditional love. I don't understand how Gary can describe how we will burn forever for simply saying "no, thank you," and think of that as unconditional love.

"Mah mama and daddy's here tonight - they would tell you they love me unconditional, but ever'body lahs all the tahm, amen."

He waits  - for laughs, I think. He gets a weak chuckle from someone.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=romans+13%3A8&version=KJV

He brings up David Hyles again, and stumbles over his words while trying to say that Hyles is trying to restore people - it comes out "he's tryin' to destroy people."

He corrects himself, but I think he got it right the first time.

He tells us that Hyles said, "Ah don't have enemies part per se in the part that listen if they're aginst me then that's their business uhuh and if they need mah help and they call me, ah'll help 'em."

I doubt that was Hyles' wording.

Gary says Hyles claims he's helping people who hate his guts.

Gary word-vomits something about a man he knows who went door-knocking and  had a gun pointed at him, which leads him to tell about his experience at a house with some dogs. He didn't think they'd bite him, so he wasn't scared. "They come up to me, growled a little bit, but mah dog growls at me, too."

Be careful, Rascal - Gary has no sense, and probably no clue what he's doing to piss you off. Don't ever bite him, because I suspect he'd have you killed.

Back to David Hyles - "Lemme tell ya, he's a friendly fella."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+4%3A19&version=KJV

Gary reads something else, then realizes he's in the wrong place, and reads the verse he announced.

Gary tells them that the Indians on the reservation drive over the speed limit. "Ah don't know wha they ain't never on tahm, because they don't never go the speed limit, they go over it."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+5%3A13&version=KJV

Gary tells them about a time he dropped the keys to the car down the gas tank - from context, it sounds like something he did when he was a kid, and it was his parents' car. "Then later on mah mama run over me with the same car because she had a -she called a _________ (I could not figure this out - if anyone wants to take a crack at it, it's at 39:39)."

Gary announces a chapter with no verse, but I find it:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+2%3A8&version=KJV

Gary talks about loving people even though they are still rejecting Jesus. "Ah met a young lady and her son, ah guess it was . . . ah'm assumin' that's what it was . . .she lost her mama a month ago, then she lost her uncle within the last 2-3 days, because, it was pretty soon, 'cause she was still cryin', ah mean, she opened the door, and ah  invited her to church, and she told me what was goin' ohn. You know what, God loves people lahk 'at. God loves people - listen, He don't love the - He don't love the  rejection, but He loves the sinner."

That poor woman! She probably has been opening the door when anyone knocks because she's expecting family or friends. And this time she gets Gary trying to proselytize to her.

He talks about doing less door-knocking due to the pandemic, then "Ah don't care what the president of the Navajo Nations says, the Indians aren't gonna do it. They do whatever they wanna do. You know what ah did, you know what ah did to the president of the United Nations? Ah told him we need to get out here and tell this world they're dahin' of this vahris and this corona mess is gittin' 'em and killin' 'em, we need ta git out here and git 'em saved before they dah."

You'd better be sure you're saved - lots of people dying every day.

[thoughtful]

Monday evening, 4/19 under the tent at Lynn Hill Baptist Church. I skipped the singing (but I heard enough to know that Becky ended with Preach On again).

Gary tells them, at considerable length, that the generator just needed oil. Once he give it some awwwwl, it fahred raht up.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ezekiel+37%3A1-12&version=KJV

Everybody sing!

Spoiler

 

KJV:  And I will lay sinews upon you, and will bring up flesh upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and ye shall live; and ye shall know that I am the Lord.
Bro Gary Version:  And behold - and and will lay sinewts upon you, and will bring up flesh upon you, and covet - cover your skin, and put breath in you, and ye shall live; and ye shall not know that I am the Lord.

He says "sinewts" for sinews again in the next verse. Gary, it's a part of the body, not a misbehaving amphibian. Although I rather like the idea of  a sin newt - sounds like a great cartoon or comic book character. Maybe the real-life hellbender qualifies. Or Gingrich.

KJV: So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up upon their feet, an exceeding great army.
BGV: So he - so ah I prophesahd as ah - as he commanded me, and breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up upon their feet, an ex - exlenly  great army.

After some tangled verbiage, Gary lets us know that his theme is Why There's No Life in Church.

Gary tells us that he got a Facebook friend request from a guy who said he was a pastor. Gary looked him up and found out he wasn't a Baptist. "But ah accepted his friendship and you say 'Why is that?' Well, if he gits to follerin' my page, 'n' uh every'thin', goes to payin' attention raht, he might just git raht with God! He could get some help listen hey there is some people out there that want help, we just gotta fahnd those kinda people and ah even invited him to the meetin' an' when ah told Brother Will ah invited him to the meetin' he had that face expression like 'Ah cain't believe you done that.' But listen, this is mah gospel tent, somebody goes to speakin' in tongues, ah just got the guts enough to tell 'em 'Sit down and shut up,' amen ah mean that's just the way it is."

Back to the tombstone that will say "It was real to him." It seems Gary wants something fancy. He says "When ah dah, Becky better spend every dahm of mah money that ah got in that place over there on me, and not her amen. What is that money called?"
Becky: "Life insurance."
Gary: "Lahf insurance."

Lots of the usual screaming about how you'd better be in church if you aren't sick or dead.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+23%3A39&version=KJV

The male factor on the cross.

Gary says if we had some punishments like that (yes, he means crucifixion) these days "it maht save some of our crahms. Have you noticed in the last few weeks of our lahves now that the more they talk about takin' our guns 'n' the gun rights and what's goin' on with our gun rights, they're shootin' us. Every day - at least every week, they're shootin' us, everywhere, somewhere."

I think you have it backwards, shit-for-brains.

"Just before we got to Conway, South Carolina, last week,  a football player - a famous football player shot some people, then shot himself. Anahwanna say, here's what mah point is on that part - sin has changed the church."

Gary screams about Carl Lackey and the sins of modern preachers. "Another thing that was said whahl ah was down in Georgia is pornography - ohhhh, ho, ho, if we only knew how many Baptist   preachers was doin' that stuff Mondy through Sa'urdy then gittin' in the pulpit on Sundy. Amen."

Screeching about sin, Gary starts doing a bit of the loud "huh" before and after statements - he hasn't done that in a few years. Channeling some old-time preacher, no doubt.

He bellows incoherently about "that case" that his Daddy and Will were talking about, and that guy and whether or not he was going to jail (since this was last Monday, I figure something about the Chauvin case filtered through the fog that surrounds Gary's brain), but we will all be judged on That Day.

Gary announces Acts 20:20, cracks wise about giving Brother Will extra time to find it, because his fingers move slower than Gary's, then reads Acts 21:20, with great enthusiasm:

KJV: And when they heard it, they glorified the Lord, and said unto him, Thou seest, brother, how many thousands of Jews there are which believe; and they are all zealous of the law:
BGV: And when they heard it, they glorified the Lord, and said unto him, Thou seeth, seeth, thou seeth, brother, how many thousands of Jews there are which believe; and they are all zallis of the Lord.

Only then does he realize he read from the wrong chapter. After some mumbling, he reads the correct one:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+20%3A20-21&version=KJV

Go soul-winning, door to door. Gary repeats the story of the guy who had a gun stuck in his face. Gary, of course, would be just fine with being "the martyr of visitation, amen!"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+3%3A1-9&version=KJV

"Incontinent" becomes something like "in - inkidint," "traitors" is "tradey." 

I'm pretty sure, when he reads about the men who creep into houses and lead silly women astray with "divers lusts," Gary pictures a guy pulling down the shades and running up this flag:

Spoiler

KJV: Now as Jannes and Jambres withstood Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, reprobate concerning the faith.
BGV: Now as Jaynus and Jamboree withstood Moses, so do those also resist the truth: men of corruption mahnd, reptobate concerning the faith.

The pulpit has changed. Preachers boast now. We get the anti-college rant, followed by the anti-young-preachers who want to get paid rant.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+timothy+4%3A1-4&version=KJV

Gary talks about dwindling church sizes, and what he would do if there was nobody left to preach to but Becky. "Ah'm gon' give it to her lahk she ain't never had it before, ah'll tell her, hey, ah'll cut the speakers off and preach to her 'n' tell her just how sorry she is, then she kin come to the altar 'n' git raht with God. Amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+samuel+16%3A7&version=KJV

KJV: But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature;
BGV: Buh the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on this countenance, nor on this height of his statue;

Gary proceeds to scream about looking and dressing correctly, completely missing the point of the verse, of course. He complains about nekkid people on the beach.

Jimmy Robbins "was preachin' one naht somewhere, he was set up, 'n' it was told after it was all said and done he was set up, but they had a woman a-walk inta church buildin' ah'm talkin' about nekkid as all get out, and Jimmy Robbins just happened to be sittin' on the pulpit 'n' he got down, he took his coat off 'n' put it on the woman, 'n' they sued him. You say wha? She wa'n't ashamed."

Gary tells us that there is a nudist colony in Brunswick County. Back when he was wicked, some friends were going to go there, and he thanks God that somehow he missed that trip.

Gary says he'd rather see a woman in pants in church than in a short skirt.

Judgment day, as they say in Michigan, ain't gonna be peachy.

"Let me move on - ah know this ain't popular. You tell God, not Gary."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=judges+21%3A25&version=KJV

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=daniel+3%3A1-7&version=KJV

I like hearing Gary say sackbut.

More judgmental shit after each of these. Bad, sinful music is out of the pits of Hell. WICKET! "The boogie-woogie music don't belong in the church." "If mah wahf ever goes to playin' that mess ahmanna tell ya what ah'm gonna do, ah'm gonna take that piana, take mah sledgehammer that ah bought with mah - with God's hard-earned money an' ah'm gonna bust it wahd open."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+corinthians+11%3A4&version=KJV

Gary screams about Buddha and Mohamed burning in Hell, the "Spanish people" in Mexico who crawl on their knees to worship Mary and bleed to death. More screaming about Catholics.

Every Sunday should be Resurrection Sunday. "We ought to celebrate it every day that he got up to give us lahf amen Becky come to the piana."

[Ozlsn]

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Just before we got to Conway, South Carolina, last week,  a football player - a famous football player shot some people, then shot himself. Anahwanna say, here's what mah point is on that part - sin has changed the church."

I hadn't heard of this, but it is awful. Those poor families.

Trust Gary to miss the horror and empathy and go straight for incoherent rambling about sin.

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Ah'm gon' give it to her lahk she ain't never had it before, ah'll tell her, hey, ah'll cut the speakers off

I would hope so, no point broadcasting that!

(Also run away Becky, run away!)

[postscript]

“Jamboree” - hey, a new obscure biblical name for one of these families to saddle a kid with! 

“my - God’s hard-earned money” - nice of you to give God credit, Gary. It’s been a long time since you earned anything. The slip reveals how he actually sees all this gritted stuff. He thinks repeating his illiterate, incoherent message in front of an audience is hard enough work he deserves to be rewarded by people throwing pianos and vee-hickles at him. 

“Boogie-woogie“ (autocorrect thinks this should be either woo give or Wookiee) - I’m guessing this is cribbed from one of those old-timey preachers he tries to emulate. Gary, get some up to date musical styles. I’m sure Jacob could give you some ideas. 

Edited April 25, 2021 by postscript
#*$& autocorrect.

[thoughtful]

13 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

I hadn't heard of this, but it is awful. Those poor families.

Trust Gary to miss the horror and empathy and go straight for incoherent rambling about sin.

It says a lot about Gary's history that, when he mentioned this (I hadn't heard about it either, and found it via google), and when I realized he was probably babbling about the Chauvin case later in the message, I was braced for something horribly racist, and was relieved that he didn't go there.

Small mercies.

Gary has updated his profile picture. I knew someone once who was so focused on the loved one she had photographed that she never seemed to see how much other crap was in the picture, or try to crop some of that out. Gary has her beat, by a mile:

Spoiler

Tuesday evening under the tent at Lynn Hill - Pastor Schalk tells a long story about going out soul-winning with professionally made pamphlets (from Sword of the Lord), and some tracts he'd copied on the church photocopier. He meant to give a reluctant-sounding woman who only opened the door a crack one of the cheaper ones, figuring she was an unlikely taker, but accidentally gave her one of the good ones instead and regretted it (of course, he says he wishes he'd had enough for all, etc.). She showed up in church shortly thereafter, and apologetically told him that she'd only been off-putting because she'd been sick, and that the pamphlet he gave her was just like the one her late grandmother used for her devotions, and that she'd fallen on the floor, weeping, when she saw it, and wanted to come to their church as soon as she felt better.

Sure, Jan.

After the singing (ending with Preach On - it may have become some sort of talisman to Gary - Becky commented, a few services back, that he preaches better if she sings it, and I'm beginning to think that wasn't a joke), Gary comes up, and speaks, fairly softly, for him, and with lots of pauses.

"Tell ya what ah think is funny, is when people trah to take over God's word - 'creation, in the beginnin', God created the Heaven and the earth,' now Gore says 'global warmin'.* Prob'ly made him a few thousand dollars - prob'ly still makin' money.  Y'know what? Mississippi is snowin'. Oklahoma is snowing'. And Thursday naht, 40 degrees. Yehhp - just let ya know, ya can't mess with God's word, amen? But ah thank God for global warmin', 'cause if we didn't have it, we'd no doubt freeze to death."

* It took me several tries to figure out that he hadn't said "Lore says 'love a woman.'" Is it Gary, or do I need the Debrox again?

He asks them to pray, because he has to get his trailer registered in North Carolina and get tags for it, and it has to get inspected first, and Gary don't have time to waste, because he's going to take Becky to West Virginia to see some of her family, then go to Ohio after this revival.

"Ah don't lahk to be a law breaker, but ah do what ah gotta do for the Gospel."

He mumbles on about not being discouraged. He talks about when his kids were young, and would get all excited, when soul-winning, excitedly telling him "Daddy, they said they were coming to church!" When the people didn't show up, Gary had to explain to his kids how people lie.

Gary, you have no clue how evil your actions really are, do you? Those people were probably just trying to do the best they could not to be cruel, after you put those kids in such a horrible position.

He announces the reading, then this: "Now, and ah'm not sayin' - anythin' 'n' matterafact, lemme get this straight, Will did not really ah mean ah found you cain't you gotta be keerful because - nobody thinks ah ever joke, ah never smahl, ah'm always serious about all this stuff, but when ah said that about Brother Will last naht about lookin' at me a little bit funny - when ah told him ah invited a Holiness, matterafact he won't be here this week, 'n' the reason bein' is his church is havin' revival. But we all knew he didn't look at me lahk that, just a little bit o' humor, see ah trah t'put it in, see ah'm such a mean preacher ah trah to put some humor in there, so some people they know it but then you got people that - 'n' especially nortnern people, they don't know nothin' they don't know jokes, ah mean listen you gotta pretty well say 'Now listen ah'm gittin' ready t'tell you a joke, so at the end of this thing you'll need to laugh,' amen. And so, ah did - ah preached for a preacher in New York - serious? Ah mean, ah mean,  I was, listen ah was laughin' at mah own jokes, 'n' he's lookin' at me lahk ah'm crazy. And then when he called me, says, 'Ah wan', ah wan' ah wantcha to do a revahval for me' ah says 'Man, until you start laughin' at mah jokes, ah'm not preachin' nothin' for you. Well, listen, he started laughin' whether ah told a joke or not amen, 'n' so, but, uh, heheh, but uh you know, you just, uh yeah, amen. Psalms chapter 51! Ah'll go ahead 'n' read the Bahble before ah get mahself in trouble."

In case you couldn't follow that - Gary was joking when he claimed Brother Will reacted badly when Gary invited a Holiness pastor to the revival. Also, people up north don't have a sense of humor.

I find it interesting that Gary seems to have gotten some negative feedback about that, and felt compelled to say something, but there were no repercussions for anything else he said - for example, his description of how he'd preach to just Becky (violent-sounding and assuming she isn't saved), his racist shit about the Navajo people, etc. Nope - but a joke about a fellow pastor having a doubtful look on his face, it seems, he's been told was bad. And so he had to to quasi-apologize for it.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+51&version=KJV

Lots of errors, and, of course, all of the "est" endings become "eth" - I would love to know how that particular problem arose. But then, who knows why he can't see (? hear? pronounce?) the second "r" in "reprobate?"

KJV: Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Bro Gary Version: Then will I teach transgressors their ways; and sinners shall be converted unto them.

KJV: The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart
BGV: The sacrifice of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrary heart

Reversing the sacred, perfect meaning of the sacred, perfect text again, eh, Gary?

The Psalm, Gary tells us, is David trying to "git raht" with God. Gary goes on and on about all of the places he's "got to thinkin'" - in the car, in bed going to sleep, in bed waking up. Finally, he tells us: "You know what David - you know what David  said whenever he went up on the roof and looked over at the woman, you know what he said? 'How'd ah git here?'"

He probably climbed some stairs, Gary.

With the help of the Lord, Gary wants to preach on How'd Ah Git Here?

Gary thinks that himself as he goes from place to place to place. He says he averages 35-50 thousand miles a year (he starts to say "a week," then corrects himself).

He yells about getting a text from the pastor in South Carolina, when they were on their way from Texas, asking if the motel they'd chosen was OK. He says he was trying to abide by the law, and stay off of Facebook while driving, and asked Becky to text back that they'd be late and wouldn't need a place to stay on Saturday night.

So we find out that some of his marks actually ask if the accommodations suit him ? and that he is trying to not do Facebook rants while driving - I suspect that's how he destroyed the truck.

Now, if he would only catch on that it doesn't make them any safer to have Becky hold the phone if he is shrieking, flailing, taking off his glasses and letting go of the wheel, rather than talking into the phone as it sits in a holder. Idiot.

And, he goes right into "Ah think about life. Ah think about America. How did America get where it's at? The same way these other countries that are where they're at they got there the same waysssss."

Deep, dude.

He gets into his rant about people not coming back to church after Covid. "But Jacob made a statement and ah didn't git this message because he made this statement but ah did think about it when ah was walkin' on the treadmill today and uh  - he said, 'It would feel awkward not to go to church.' And ah'm gonna say far as in the part we could put that in our mahnd 'n' we can think of it 'n' we can agree with that part, but lemme letchu know something after a month it won't feel awkward."

Poor Jacob - they've got him programmed, he's so helpful and obedient. And notice Gary makes sure we know that Jacob doesn't get any credit for inspiring today's message.

And he's on about Indians coming late to everything again. "Lee Roberson said 'If you're a hour early for church, you're really a hour late.'"

Gary says he wasn't planning to say all of this, but he believes it's OK with God, and "y'all just have to take it up with God."

Gary yells about not being a "Sammy Allen-ite" or any other kind of "-ite" except a "Jesus-ite." He says people get out of church because "they was follerin' the preacher."

Gary, you just follow all of your beloved preachers posthumously. Or at least you steal from them.

A phenomenal shrieking word coleslaw follows, about why the word in his title is "I," not "we," Biblical preaching ("If ah stepped on your toes, ah'm very sorry for that, ah was aimin' for your heart"), how his daddy had to go back to the motel without fellowshipping after the previous night's service, and how his Daddy taught him, as a preacher, "you gotta have an open mahnd."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+3%3A12-14&version=KJV

Gary screams about the blame game. While telling stories about being tempted about food, he says "Becky's lost these weights because she's had her stomach surgery."

In the middle of a story about Becky and Jacob "tossing" food from their plates on his plate, and how he could have blamed them for making him fat (but he didn't), he veers into "an' we unnerstand what the government's sayin' but hey listen hey - if the gun is the issue and the gun is the problem with us killin' people, then guess what? Uhuhuhuhuh Miss Lynn has got four spoons at her house, an' it's her fault, and it's their fault that they put those spoons in fronta me, and ah eat that food an' ah'm fat! HAYMUN!" 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=job+1%3A12-17&version=KJV

Read with many errors, of course. We think we got here "because God don't lahk us."

God's just trying to test your faith. Gary screams and coos about that for a while.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+18%3A11-12&version=KJV

"Extortioners" becomes "exhorters," among other errors.

Gary screams about not joining cliques, and how, even if they reject him for it, he will preach to people who aren't even Baptist. God can save some of those other people, through the blood. He's not going to go get involved with them, but Gary would even be willing to preach to "sodomites."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+18%3A23&version=KJV

Gary loves his truck, but he won't make a God out of it. Gary won't let himself be a slave to possessions - most of their stuff is in a storage building on his Daddy's property (so, we find out he's not paying for storage, either) - he claims 99.9% of it is Becky's, of course.

But don't pity Gary for his wandering life (I wasn't planning to, Gary). He "has" lots of houses (by which he means keys to other people's houses - he even jokes about how he likes the fact that someone else is paying the bills). "Bill Gates ain't the richest man, Gary Hawkins is."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+22%3A54-60&version=KJV

KJV: And about the space of one hour after another confidently affirmed, saying, Of a truth this fellow also was with him: for he is a Galilaean. And Peter said, Man, I know not what thou sayest. And immediately, while he yet spake, the cock crew.
BGV: And about the space of an hour after another confirmly uh uh confirm confindally confirmed  saying, Of a truth this fellow also was with him: for he is a Gentile. And Peter - is that raht? A Galilaean, sorry 'bout that.  And Peter said, Man, I know not what thou sayeth. And immediately, while he yet spake, the cock crowed.

People tell you they will back up their pasture, and then stab him in the back. He shrieks "There was even a tahm when Jesus showed up" Suddenly quiet: "And Peter was what? Nekkid."

Oh, no! Not a nekkid Peter!

Spoiler

Note the lovely Kentucky Fried collection bucket.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+11%3A40&version=KJV

Gary got where he is because of Christ - in his religious days, he probably did more damage than any drunk could have done (this is a faux-modest thing he says often).

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+15%3A10&version=KJV

Gary is what he is because of Christ. Hey, Gary, you said that already. He screams "It's because of Christ" several times. He promises we can have what he has and become what he's become.

That has to be the worst advertisement for Jesus ever.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+16%3A22-23&version=KJV

The rich man is in torment, of course. Gary rambles on about churches closing and prayer and staying focused and Becky come to the piana.

Edited April 25, 2021 by thoughtful

[Bluebirdbluebell]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

KJV: Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Bro Gary Version: Then will I teach transgressors their ways; and sinners shall be converted unto them.

The Bro Gary version looks a  modern update of the same text. Is he veering from the KJV?

[Jasmar]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

"You know what David - you know what David  said whenever he went up on the roof and looked over at the woman, you know what he said? 'How'd ah git here?'"

“And you may ask yourself, how did I get here?”

Same as it ever was, Gary, same as it ever was

[Dana723]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

It says a lot about Gary's history that, when he mentioned this (I hadn't heard about it either, and found it via google), and when I realized he was probably babbling about the Chauvin case later in the message, I was braced for something horribly racist, and was relieved that he didn't go there.

It happened not far from where I live and was all over the news in South Carolina.  Bro G Hawk probably didn't hear about it until he got to SC. 

[thoughtful]

6 hours ago, Jasmar said:

“And you may ask yourself, how did I get here?”

Same as it ever was, Gary, same as it ever was

How did I not think of this? Maybe my everything's a song cue syndrome is on the fritz!

6 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

The Bro Gary version looks a  modern update of the same text. Is he veering from the KJV?

Actually, in that case, he completely reversed the meaning. But he often "reads" a verse with lots of changed words that make me think he has another version stuck in his head.

But I think it's from his childhood, not from recent reading. When his grandmother returned to church, Gary's father and Gary went to the church she chose. That church had a woman as pastor, and I suspect they used a non-KJV translation.

But that's a guess on my part.

ETA - I don't know the exact timing of the return to church-going in general (Gary's being 3 years old sticks in my mind, but I may be wrong). And I don't have any memory of hearing exactly when Gary's father switched over to a KJV-only church, only that it was due to the influence of a preacher whose name escapes me at the moment.

So I'm just  guessing that Gary may have been old enough to have had some introduction to the Bible before the changeover.

Edited April 26, 2021 by thoughtful

[thoughtful]

Becky must have vetoed the use of the ironing board picture. Gary now has this as his profile pic:

So dramatic!

ETA - I just noticed the faux polar bear! That picture is from the church in Ganado Arizona. I guess Jill isn't the only dreckorator who thinks polar bear skins belong everywhere!

Edited April 26, 2021 by thoughtful

[Ozlsn]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Becky must have vetoed the use of the ironing board picture. Gary now has this as his profile pic:

So dramatic!

ETA - I just noticed the faux polar bear! That picture is from the church in Ganado Arizona. I guess Jill isn't the only dreckorator who thinks polar bear skins belong everywhere!

He kind of looks like he's about to trip over the altar he can't see due to not wearing his glasses.

Also I seriously thought he had a glove on one hand but no, it's shadow.

[thoughtful]

8 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

 

Also I seriously thought he had a glove on one hand but no, it's shadow.

Gary, your hands are NEKKID!

Gary is more rooster-strutting Mick Jagger than smooth-moonwalking Michael Jackson in his moves.

[Black Aliss]

Gary could do a lot of cropping and still able to flaunt his w i d e stance.

[Alisamer]

18 hours ago, Dana723 said:

It happened not far from where I live and was all over the news in South Carolina.  Bro G Hawk probably didn't hear about it until he got to SC. 

It was all over the news in my part of North Carolina, too - I'm not too far from the SC state line.

It says something sad that a shooting like that doesn't even seem to make national headlines anymore.

Also, that photo Becky posted of Pilot Mountain (link to it's wikipedia page with better photos) is pretty terrible. And not a great example of what she meant, considering the way it sticks up with it's stone all showing. I think Gary ranted about nekkid people for a good long while after their "ocean" time, and it gave her the idea for the joke.

[thoughtful]

Wednesday evening at Lynn Hill is inside the church, or as Pastor Schalk puts it "we under the roof tonight."

After some singing (ending, again with Preach On from Becky), Gary comes up to preach, as Jacob moves the camera from aiming at the piano to aiming at the pulpit.

Too much reverb - Gary says "Cut this thing down, Jacob" and Jacob comes up and kneels by the amplifier. "This don't look like the tent, 'cause it ain't." They are indoors because it's windy.

Gary mumbles and fumbles for a while, asks Jacob to bring him water, Becky points out that he already has water. Gary says it looks like someone took a swig out of it, and Becky says it was her. Gary allows that that's OK, since they kiss each other.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+corinthians+16%3A10-14&version=KJV

KJV:  As touching our brother Apollos, I greatly desired him to come unto you with the brethren: but his will was not at all to come at this time; but he will come when he shall have convenient time.
Bro Gary Version:  As touching our brethren. Apollos I greatly desire him to come unto you with the brethren: but he is - his will was not at all to come at this time; but he will come when he shall have con - cominment time.

KJV: Let all your things be done with charity.
BGV: Let all your conversations be done with charity.

Gary's inspiring message, immediately after his post-Bible-reading prayer, begins: "Jacob, ah need you to go find mah pants out yonder that I had to change into. Miss Leah, it wasn't just that part, somethin' else broke, so, whatever you fixed wouldn't've, wouldn't've mattered if it'd broke or not, the rest of it broke, so, uh, but, uh."

Ah yes, the exegesis of 1 Corinthians to highlight the importance of the broken pants - one of my favorite Biblical themes.

I'm wondering why Gary needs the other pair of pants - is the pair he's wearing the "broken" ones? Becky asks what he needs from those pants, and it turns out that he just wants his handkerchief from the pocket.

Sorry, folks - no striptease at the pulpit tonight.

"With the help of the Lord, ah wanna preach ohn Let's Quit Lahk God's People."

I never do figure out if Gary understands the use of "quit" in the verse: Watch ye, stand fast in the faith, quit you like men, be strong. That is, more like "acquit yourselves." His message goes back and forth between telling them not to quit and to quit like men. I don't think he has a clue.

Jacob comes back, and tosses Gary the hanky:
 

Spoiler

 

 

Gary misses, knocks the microphone off of his tie, picks the handkerchief up off of the floor, then fusses with the sound equipment for a while.

"How in thee world has Christians voted for what we got? There's not one Christian that's voted for what we got goin' on raht now."

He goes on with one of his usual riffs about saved people and people of God not necessarily being Christians, since, to be a Christian, you need to be Christlike.

He claims David Hyles said "'Mah daddy never brought his ministry home.' That just might be a good thing, amen? 'But ah seen what they did to mah daddy an ah seen what some things that's happened over the years, and ah said ah would not go through that. Ah would not let that bah. Ah would take mah heard-earned money and go and do somethin' about it, butchu know what, God gotta holta me and changed every little bitta that.'"

Gary goes through  some riffs he's done a thousand times.

"Ah think about rah - rah - carawhees. Y'all know what caraways is, raht?"

I know what it is Gary, but I'm not sure where you're going. Is this a new slant on the mustard seed thing? Are you craving rye bread? Is there a parable of the cumin and the fennel that I've missed?

Gary backs up and almost falls over the piece of furniture behind him, and mumbles about not being able to afford to pay for whatever he breaks, then gets back to the subject.

"But carawhees - you know whatchu have to do when you git on those rahds, 'n' you - ah hope ah'm grown up enough not t'git on some of 'em -  you got - you gotta buckle up, you gotta git tightened in there, they gotta git it all snug, pull the rails around ya 'n' everythin', so you don't fall out."

Oh, amusement park rides! I think Gary's made up a word in his fevered little brain that is some sort of portmanteau of carousel and ferris wheel, but is actually thinking of something like a roller coaster.

Anyway, his point is that you have to do the same with Jesus Christ - get buckled in, because it's "going to be a roller coaster."

Wait, Gary - if you know the phrase "roller coaster," what is this carawhee word?

He claims that God saved his life when his vehicles broke down in horrible dangerous ways, one of which he describes.

Gary goes into some nonsense about not having water - I guess they are having some problems with water at the church.   Of course it is due to the devil wanting them to cancel the tent meeting. He tells us how you can still get clean taking a sponge bath, it just takes longer to get the soap off.

Thanks, Gary.

Gary gets into how he sometimes gets money, sometimes not a dime, but God averages it out. "Ah'm just not for sale." ?

He says that, about five years ago, he was at a church that had a collection box on the wall. The pastor had said that any money that went in there would go to Gary. "Ah don't go 'roun' starin' but ah did see people reach over 'n' put money in there, 'n' you know what what, you know what happened whenever the end of the meeting was? Ah didn't git a dahm. Ah made the preacher's wahf mad, 'n' ah didn't do it on purpose, it's just some things that you - God reveals to you uh - reveals to ya and ya just haveta say it. Don't matter who it makes mad. But she didn't git mad at me, she got mad at God."

Gary insists that, even though he doesn't remember what he said that night, Becky has a record of it, and he didn't say anything that wasn't Biblical, so the preacher's wife was mad at God, not Gary.

So, Gary, are you saying that she stole God's money from Him? Did she take it right out of the box, or just talk her husband into not giving it to you?

He doesn't say. He never actually says where he thinks the money went, only that he saw people put money in the box, but got nothing at the end of the event.

They scheduled him for the next year, and Gary accepted, but prayed he wouldn't have to go - not because they didn't give him money, he insists,  but because this was the place where he'd preached salvation, and the pastor came up and said that he'd preached "so real, you almost convinced me that I needed to be saved."

I think he meant it as a compliment, that even a saved person felt the power of the preaching, but Gary took it as the man admitting he might not be saved, was put off by it, and claims that's why he didn't want to go there again.

Anyway, Gary says that God answered his prayers, and the pastor called and canceled. He also hinted that someone at his church was mad at Gary, and asked if Gary wanted to know who it was. Noble Gary didn't want to hear because "ah'm not into gossip, and ah don't wanna hear the junk. Ah knew who it was."

He's told this story before - I recognized it as he got near the end. But I don't remember ever hearing the part about the missing money before.

He tells the story of God insisting that he go out on the road, and cracks wise about Becky only supporting him 50% of the time. When nobody laughs, he bitches at them about being a hard crowd to preach to. But now, his wife has found out that "it's God's perfect will, and she's raht behahnd me."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=joshua+1%3A7&version=KJV

KJV: Only be thou strong and very courageous, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law
BGV: Only be there strong. And very courage, that thou mayeth observe to do according to awwwwll the law

He goes on about being enkerriged, and having kerrige.

"Ah don't really lahk to use movies for illustrations very much because . . . just not a TV kinda person, but ah'm not ah'm not sayin' that in a bad way, but the lahyun, you remember on Wizard of Oz, it's prob'ly a wicket show ah wouldn't doubt it, but you remember him havin' - sayin' he had to have the kerrige? Well, lemme say somethin' to ya, we gotta have the kerrige in the Lord."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+37%3A1&version=KJV

Quit fretting about every little thing. And Gary goes right into bitching about clique-ish people, claiming it doesn't bother him that they're shutting him out because he doesn't fret.

Gary enjoys his graphic description of the tortures of Jesus.

Gary needs to check with Becky when he says he has four siblings. He makes sure we know that two of them need to find a good church. He invited one to come to this revival, even though he knew they wouldn't come

Matthew 19:26 - KJV: But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.
BGV: But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With me this is im - with men this is impossible; but with God all things are what? They're impossible. But with God all things are impossible - nope - wait a minute let me read that agin - but with God, all things are possible.

Gary tells a long story of all the things that went wrong with the conversion van, and how God kept helping him, then the story of Lazarus' death and how he was stinking by the time Jesus got there, and the prodigal son being mad about the rules.

Gary makes Becky find Just as I Am in the songbook, and reads a few lines from it, to make some point about God qualifying the chosen, not choosing the qualified.

Gary claims he took the video at the ocean so Will would have inspiration for his next message. He talks about fishing - like someone catching a fish, you need to get people in to the church, get them saved, then gut, clean and cook them (that is, disciple them to be good Christians).

So, just as they are, but then they need to change. Got it.

He's gone so far from whatever he thought his message was that he just tells them to write down the rest of the verses he was going to read. That's supposed to be a time-saver, but then he rambles on for a long time, in incoherent sentence fragments, about churches not being able to pay their bills, which Becky interrupts to say, "You've got a wasp on your chest." Gary bashes it loudly.

Spoiler

We need to not quit. Gary gets in one last screamfest about that. Then he tells another long story from David Hyles, about how his father used to go soul-winning, and insist that they then come with him to another neighbor's house to talk about it, asking "You ain't ashamed of Christ, right?"

Then he says they should all come to the altar, "'n' if ya don't come, ah'm gonna drag ya there."

No pressure.

Edited April 28, 2021 by thoughtful
riffle

[Alisamer]

@thoughtful I haven't watched the video but I'm sure it's Carowinds.

Carowinds is an amusement park (literally) on the border between NC and SC. It's also where I worked my first job! I lived in NC, parked in SC, worked in NC, walked to SC for lunch, back to NC to work, back to SC to get the car, then drove home to NC. 

There used to be a roller coaster that crossed the state line, too!

Edited April 27, 2021 by Alisamer

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Alisamer said:

@thoughtful I haven't watched the video but I'm sure it's Carowinds.

Carowinds is an amusement park (literally) on the border between NC and SC.

Aha! That solves that mystery. Thank you!

Gary tries again  to mock people (but he's not making light of it!) for being careful due to a deadly disease:

[thoughtful]

As the Thursday evening service at Lynn Hill begins (indoors again), Pastor Schalk is slowly intoning how revival doesn't happen overnight. Gary supports him with some yells.

I skip the singing and prayer, to get to Gary's gems of wisdom. He starts by telling them everything he's done for the last three weeks, and his upcoming itinerary, including taking Becky to doctor appointments, then to West Virginia, then to Ohio, and what time he hopes to get into bed the next night.

Why he thinks people care about this is beyond me. I guess I should just be grateful he doesn't go into detail about his digestive system, or other TMI.

He announces Matthew chapter 16, then corrects it to 6, then rambles some more about his traveling.

"We travel all these mahls - uh, hah, ah looked at it, ah got mah thing set on, 'cause whenever ah git gas ah trip mah thing every - ah don't know wha ah do that, ah just do it, ah been doin' it all mah life, ever since ah for the most part 'n' everything, but ah tripped it, 'n' ah went back over to the other thing, when ah - whenever the van was give to me 135,000 an' a few mahls or whatever 'n' ah looked at it an' ah just acc - an' the reason that ah looked at it 'cause ah accidentally hit it the wrong way and it went, 'n' ah've already been tin - ah've already put tin thousand mahls on it, and it's just April and ah got a few mahls to go between now and December AMEN? And uh so ah'm thankful 'n' all that."

By context, I figured out that his "thing," in this instance, is the trip odometer. The "other thing" is the regular odometer. At least, I hope so! 

But wait - there's more (Matthew will just have to wait). I stopped just to make sure you know what "things" Gary was referring to, but he actually went right on, into a totally selfish prayer request, with the following garbled mess:

"And do pray another thing, quick quick prayer request, ah'm - ah was booked to do a tent meeting in uh Ohio in August, and that God can do about anything. Y'all know about mah truck, what ah how stupid ah was for a little bit ah promised you ah would git that thing fixed, ah don't keer how long it takes mah wahf to git dressed, ah'm not gittin' out of the car - van - whenever ah drink it up ah'm gonna set there, ahmanna set there if it takes all day if ah go to sleep it'll be alraht.  But uh - but he tol' me, he said, 'what aboutcher truck? What's goin' ohn w'yer truck?' An' ah said 'Well, ah cain't find nobody to work on it,' ah said 'Every tahm ah think I got somebody, they back out or whatever, well he told me, he drah - what is it Becky, about 7, 6 or 7 hours? He said 'You know ah'm workin' on mah building raht now, 'n' you know what? Ah'm gon' git that thing fixed, ah'm gon' come there 'n' git your truck fixed.' 'N' so you pray if that - if it is God's will for that to happen that, uh - 'cause ah need that truck."

In case you didn't have the patience for all of that - a man from Ohio is hoping to travel to North Carolina to fix the beloved truck (but it's not an idol!), and Gary wants this congregation to pray for that to happen.

How the detour to talk about waiting for Becky to get dressed fit in is a mystery to me.

And he's still not done - he goes on for a while about how the minivan is just not as practical for his needs. For one thing, it is not meant to tow a trailer (now he realizes it?), and he wants to tote his chairs, he says, to take a burden off of some other places (I guess whoever is storing them for him?).

He tells them that another church wants to help pay for the repairs, and is willing to give him at least $3000, and Gary would be happy to have it all fixed for $5000. He knows the man from Ohio wouldn't charge for his labor, but he "don't want to do him lahk that."

Why do people keep helping this shitty, shitty man?

Gary announces Matthew again, then remembers that he has to do his final-night thank you, which includes a smartass remark about having destroyed his hosts' house.

Finally:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A27-34&version=KJV

KJV: Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
Bro Gary Version: Which of you bein' taken through - takin' thoughts can add one cubit unto his statue?

KJV: Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
BGV: Therefore take no thought, saying, What ye shall eat? or, What ye shall drink? or, Wherewith shall ye be clothed?

KJV:  Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
BGV:  Take therefore no thought. For tomorrow for tomorrow shall take. Thought for the things of itself sufficient unto the days of this evil - unto the day of this evil . . . thereof.

Now here is a reading Gary can get behind - he is one lazy lily. The problem is that other people, who toil and spin and work their asses off, are providing for him, not God.

And I think I shall continue the rest of this as another post, because this mess is astonishing enough on its own.

[Dana723]

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Bro Gary Version:  As touching our brethren. Apollos I greatly desire him to come unto you with the brethren: but he is - his will was not at all to come at this time; but he will come when he shall have con - cominment time.

My inner 12-year-old boy is laughing insanely at this.

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Sorry, folks - no striptease at the pulpit tonight.

Thank You God

[TacoBellKimmy]

Thanks again for doing the Lord's work, @thoughtful! Is it just me, or is Bro Gary sounding more unhinged than normal? Mercy.

[Ozlsn]

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

How the detour to talk about waiting for Becky to get dressed fit in is a mystery to me.

That was seriously one of the strangest train-of-thought derails from Gary that I have read. 

I totally missed that the guy was from Ohio too.

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Pastor Schalk is slowly intoning how revival doesn't happen overnight

... but it will happen.

Or, you know, not.

8 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Bro Gary Version: Which of you bein' taken through - takin' thoughts can add one cubit unto his statue?

Bro Gary being taken through thoughts would be an exercise in frustration. And for no additional statue cubits too!

[thoughtful]

Continuing the Thursday evening service, Gary has just read about the non-toiling lilies, and how God still arrays them, even though "they tawwwl not, neither do they speeyun."

Gary says "it's talkin' about God clothin' the earth and the things the way He does it,  and He does a great job, amen?"

Gary wants to preach on How Not to Let Tomorrow Git to You.

We should think about today, not yesterday or tomorrow. And we should think about the church, not the White House. Gary says he has a higher calling than any president of the United States.

Gary announces Psalms 33:15.

KJV:  The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.
BGV:  "The ahhhhs of the Lord are upon thy righteous - righteousness -righteous, and his ears are open unto their crah." Long pause, then, mumbled, "That's not what ah wanted . . . gimme just a second ____________ (too soft to hear), then another very long pause, then, still very soft: "The face of the Lord is against them to do evil, to cut _______ (too soft to hear), ah don't know where ah'm supposed to be at, but the Scripture talks about tomorrow bein' in His hands."

Gary, it's Psalms 31:15. Google made it easy to find. He never finds it.

He screams about letting God handle tomorrow for a while.

On to Psalms 118:24 - KJV: This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.
BGV: This is the day the Lord hath made; let us - this is the day which the Lord hath made - we will rejoice and be glad in it.

There go those non-KJV memories again, I think.

"I mean, hey, He created the days, now, you know, we understand that our calendar and God's calendar and our days and God's days are not the same days, but hey - He's allowed us to have these days.  We need to remember He's the creator  - of these days.  He's the one 'at created these days, He's the one 'at put 'em lahk it is and so we need to remember in the part, hey - we ought not let  tomorrow git us to rememberin' t'forget who the creator is. The creator of the universe is Jesus Christ. He created these things - listen, ah mean ah look at things the way they're goin'."

"Now ahwanna say it is somewhat strange the way the weather is raht now. Butchu remember those days when Easter 'n' matterafact if you look at the calendar for Easter for next year ah'm pretty sure it's either the Sunday before the last Sunday or the last Sunday 'n' you know what that means? Easter could always have a cold front. In April."

Gary, FYI - Easter is April 17 next year. Easter can be any time from March 22 to April 25. Again, Google is handy.

Gary goes on about the strange weather, and hopes Ohio gets rid of that mess (snow) before he gets there. And he goes back to God controlling the days.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A30&version=KJV

Gary doesn't worry about what he's going wear on any day, because "Ah just hope mah wahf's got it together."

So much for God - it's Becky who keeps Gary from walking around in dirty wrinkled clothes. Or, worse yet, NEKKID!

He suddenly starts screaming about seeing if we can "change God's mahnd today on trahin' t'bring America back, 'n' trahin' t'bring the churches back, 'n' trahin' t'bring people back to God." Then, quieter, "He's got this. He don't need us to remahnd him amen?"

So, God is in control, we should let Him be in control, but we should try to change His mind, but He's in control and doesn't need us to remind him.

Gary, how do you survive the ping-pong game that goes on in your brain?

And he goes right into talking about having "back seat and passenger seat" drivers - gotta get in some nastiness to Becky and Jacob before the evening ends.

"Ah called mah brother because ah wanted to know what kahnd of stuff to put on that thing to seal it up a whahl ago, 'n' ah'm talkin' to him, and ah got mah mahnd ohn trahin' t'go to Lowes, and ah got mah mahnd on trahin' t'talk to him, and ah kin tell ya raht now, ah know whah ya shouldn't be on a cell phone when ya drivin.' Ah prob'ly went a mahl outta the way tonight. Jacob's back there, now ah'm talkin' to mah brother, an' ah'm trahin' t'concentrate on what he's trahin' t'tell me, Jacob's back there 'HEY! Turn raht here! Turn raht here!' Ah didn't. See ah got, listen hey, John, ca - well, ah dunno who sh - ah dunno who was in control of that van, ah somebody was."

No, Gary, missing your turn is not the reason not to talk on a cell phone while driving - not killing your child is the reason.

There is absolutely no purpose to that whole story - he's back into God being in control of today and tomorrow, and the weather.

"If ah had control of the weather, ah'd be a whole lot better than Joe Bahden. 'Cause there'd never be another hurricane. There'd never be another tornado. But God's got control of that."

Gary, what does Biden have to do with the weather?

Gary announces Matthew 16:25, reads it, then realizes he wanted Acts 16:25. He starts to read Acts 17:25 (thank you, Google), mumbles how that's the wrong thing, then finally reads Acts 16:25. Paul and Silas praying at midnight in prison, a favorite of Gary's.

He tells us he's never been in prison, but he preached in a prison once, was scared to death, and never tried it again.

He tells a story about a man who was on mission to "some country, some years ago," and someone planted a weapon in his wife's luggage (on the way in, out? who knows). Gary says the man "took the rap" so his wife wouldn't go to prison, he spent a few nights there, he paced back and forth, and . . .back to Paul and Silas.

Gary talks about the video Becky took of him shouting along with the CD while driving, again. Becky giggles. Gary says he was shouting "because God just got all over me." He didn't worry about who was behind him, who was in front of him, he was in the presence of God - he was worshippin'.

The idea that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea while driving on a highway in the dark still has not occurred to him.

He tells a story about Lester Roloff and David Gibb going to either corner of a hotel room they were staying in while being involved in some trial (sorry, no details - it's Gary), and praying as hard as they could, and confessing their sins. And, when they returned to court, the opposing lawyers couldn't get together, and the case was thrown out of court. I guess God confounded the lawyers.

"Ah told them people over at Lowes awhahl ago, ah prob'ly made the guy mad, but that's alright, an an and ah'm over there Jacob's over there we runnin' through a self-checkout. Ah hate them things, AH HATE 'EM! Ah gotta git mah mind off of 'em, ah really do hate 'em. An' ah told that guy, ah said 'Ah come from the old school. This is takin' jobs away from people.' You know what? Not praisin' God is takin' praise away from _____ (too soft to hear)."

So don't deprive God of praise - it's like using a self-checkout.

And he's talking about the torture of Jesus again.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+timothy+6%3A6-12&version=KJV

KJV: For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.
BGV: For the love of money is the root of evil which dri - which while some cov- coveted. After they have erred for them, for the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

KJV: Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called
BGV: For ah have fought a good fight, ah have laid - ah have - fought a good fight of faith, laid hold on eternal life, wherewith thou art also called

He makes lots of other errors, and skips verse 11 altogether.

Gary is content with his storage container and his trailer and his life. But he gets tired sometimes - he said Becky asked if he wanted her to drive, and he may even get tired enough that he could sleep "even though" Becky was driving. He mocks her driving, showing how she'd veer all over the road.

Gary's content. He'd like his truck fixed, if it's God's will, but he's content.

He talks about taking his wife to the ocean ("ah don't go to the beach - ah'm saved, ah'm raht with God, ah go to the ocean"). "Ah hate the ocean - ah despahs it." But he thought the beach was pretty, and he claims he thought about the creation of God the whole time he was there.

Bullshit, Gary - we saw the video - you completely ignored the beauty to obsess on nekkidness and what a big sacrifice you were making to bring Becky and Jacob there.

He does his usual bit about how he knows the scientists couldn't have created everything, and we weren't "poufed" into existence.

He announces 2 Timothy chapter 6, we hear Becky, sounding amused, telling him something (probably that there's no such chapter), so he corrects it to 2 Timothy 4:6: For I am now ready to be offered, and the time of my departure is at hand.

As ever, he starts with "Timothy told Paul, no - Paul told Timothy . . . "

Gary's content - he's not jallis of anyone. He wants to make a good finish to his life. He's not follerin' any person, he's follerin' God. He tells his story of the man who was declared dead in a war, then had to tell his family he was OK, as an example of someone who wanted to "finish raht."

He gets into respect for servicemen in general, then police - the bad ones will face God's judgment, but we should appreciate the good ones. "Ah talked to one not long ago, he pulled me over for goin' too fast, 'n' gimme - let me bah with a _________ (?)." Gary gave him a tract that was just for policemen, and they exchanged some nice words. And that police officer said "he's plannin' to finish to the end."

Aw, isn't that sweet? Gary and the police officer made nice, and Gary didn't even get shot for no reason. I wonder why that doesn't happen to everybody? /s

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+4%3A14&version=KJV

Life is short, and full of troubles, because we are born of women. Gary follows this with an extremely high-pitched Amen.

God's got the plan, and you should follow it, but you can change His mind. Yes, again with the same contradiction. In fact, I think I left out a few times that he said those contradictory things.

Gary seems about to use cooking as a metaphor, and then, I think, distracts himself and forgets what his point was. It comes out like this:

"You know what, in order to cook - we got women in here cook - maybe the men cook, ah don't know, ah cain't, ah don't even think about it." Long silence. "Mah wahf left me or dahd, ah guess ah'd either starve to death or eat a lot of Chahnese. Mebbe ah'd just marry a Chahnese woman, how's that amen? But you know what? God's plan."

God is soon comin'. You'd better be ready.

He rambles a bit about people who need prayer, then says people are always focusing on the wrong thing. He wants us to focus on Jesus.

I want him to focus on anything long enough to finish a sentence.

He says he's going to pray for Brother Will, and Miss Leah, and "Whatever your name is, Savannah, the one who eats strange food. It'd prob'ly help me if ah ate strange food, ah'd prob'ly lose a lot more weight."

I think Savannah is the daughter of the pastor. Gotta insult those teens and young adults, especially the female ones. What's a preacher for, after all?

Gary asked his usual "Am ah makin' sense tonaht?" several times during this service. Gary, the answer is even a more resounding "no" than usual. If only the people in the church had the balls and the sense to say it.

[postscript]

These last few sermons have been pure comedy gold, as well as a fascinating glimpse into the inner workings of Gary’s mind, such as it is. He holds grudges (the pastor’s wife who wouldn’t let him have collection money), he expects people to travel long distances and throw vast sums of money at him to fix his beloved truck. Constant veiled barbs at Becky and his family. He has less than zero self-awareness. Digressions about broken pants (why don’t they turn the cameras off or edit these sections out?) and carawhees (even knowing what he means, this is a charming word and needs to find a permanent place in the lexicon) will never not make me laugh.

A couple of gems:

Spending more time thinking about church than the White House - Gary, you spent a lot of time thinking about the White House between November and January. There’s documentary evidence.

Not using your phone while driving - Mr. Pot, may I present Mr. Kettle? Again, plenty of documentary evidence.

Ohio should get rid of the snow - as if they have a choice when it falls or melts, and as if the state can deploy its snow removal machinery for Gary’s convenience. Since you see God as a micro-manager, you might want to have a chat with him about that. 

Based on his fractured readings, I’m convinced he has an untreated learning disability, perhaps even to the point of being functionally illiterate. I get the impression he has a lot of these passages memorized, so that he recognizes a couple of words and gets the rest by rote. Unfortunately, he’s got most of them memorized incorrectly. 

[Alisamer]

1 hour ago, postscript said:

 and carawhees (even knowing what he means, this is a charming word and needs to find a permanent place in the lexicon) will never not make me laugh.

I may be imagining it, but I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere along the line Carowinds used "Caro...WHEEEEEEEE!" in a commercial or something. 

It's about time for me to go to Carowinds again, I think. When I was a kid we had a season pass and would go all the time, went to concerts there (like Poison and the Beach Boys - not together), had Grad Night there, then I worked there, then I was away at college and then couldn't afford to go too often. And then we started going to Walt Disney World more regularly, and Carowinds kind of pales. It's got bigger coasters and rides, but in the several changes of ownership it's had in the past decades a lot of it's original theming was lost. One of Disney's advantages is that it is a dream place to work for many people. Carowinds however has a lot of teens with their first jobs. 

Still, if you like coasters it's a good park to visit! I wonder what reminded Gary of it that he brought it up in a sermon? Maybe Jacob wanted to go? It seems a bit "worldly" for Gary. Plus it costs money. Gary probably got to go as a child though.

When Gary was a kid, Carowinds would have been a Carolina-themed park owned by Kings (who owned Kings Dominion, etc.), with a Hanna-Barbara kids section (where I worked!) and the rest themed to areas of the states - log flumes in the mountain-esque area, a gold-rush themed coaster in the piedmont area, pirate themed stuff in the coastal themed area. There is also a water park (now a very large one). 

When he was a young adult, it was owned by Paramount, and had a Wayne's World section and Top Gun roller coaster, and other rides (often very loosely) themed (or just re-named) to Paramount properties.

It's now owned by the people who own Cedar Point in Sandusky, OH. I haven't actually been since they bought it years ago.

Gary would probably wander over to the water park section just to complain about the nekkid people, most likely. 

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

We should think about today, not yesterday or tomorrow. And we should think about the church, not the White House. Gary says he has a higher calling than any president of the United States.

Bless his heart.

Yes, Gary, You're A Very Important Person. You Are Doing Such A Great Job. You And Your Ratty Trailer Are Changing The World.