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HerNameIsBuffy

Joy & Austin 30: Who Needs Fire Safety when You Have Jesus?

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Glasgowghirl

Joy posted pictures of her and Carlin with baby Layla. I noticed a few comments along the lines of do yo have baby fever, which to me given it was only a few months since they lost Annabell insensitive. Joy and Austin said they were not thinking about having another baby so soon after the loss and while we don't know if they used any birth control or how long they were going to wait before trying. Public eye or not I think people too often now say personal and insensitive things without realising it. 

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Idlewild
10 hours ago, Glasgowghirl said:

Joy posted pictures of her and Carlin with baby Layla. I noticed a few comments along the lines of do yo have baby fever, which to me given it was only a few months since they lost Annabell insensitive. Joy and Austin said they were not thinking about having another baby so soon after the loss and while we don't know if they used any birth control or how long they were going to wait before trying. Public eye or not I think people too often now say personal and insensitive things without realising it. 

I know the USP of the Duggars is large numbers of children but I think asking anyone about when they’re going to have a child is off limits. You have no idea what struggles or heartache people may have with their fertility or their decision not to have children. Asking a woman who lost a child is beyond the pale to me and it’s sad that these questions come from people who are usually Duggar fans. 

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Glasgowghirl
2 hours ago, Idlewild said:

I know the USP of the Duggars is large numbers of children but I think asking anyone about when they’re going to have a child is off limits. You have no idea what struggles or heartache people may have with their fertility or their decision not to have children. Asking a woman who lost a child is beyond the pale to me and it’s sad that these questions come from people who are usually Duggar fans. 

Yes, completely agree. I have noticed one Duggar and Bates fan in particular ask really insensitive questions, she asked Michael if she was pregnant, Jill why she hadn't gotten pregnant in a while and congratulated Lauren and Josiah on their rainbow baby before they had announced they were pregnant, Lauren fibbed on the post and said she wasn't and I don't blame her for saying that because she had the right to announce in her time. 

My sister got people asking her after she had her second son, if she was disappointed it was a boy and if she was trying for a girl. It pissed her off big time she has had miscarriages, including a missed miscarriage with twins and her waters broke 10 weeks early with her eldest son, she was glad to have two healthy boys and that her pregnancy with her youngest had no complications. Another baby was not something she was planning and she was never someone who really wanted a girl anyway. 

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Flossie
2 hours ago, Glasgowghirl said:

...My sister got people asking her after she had her second son, if she was disappointed it was a boy and if she was trying for a girl... 

I had my first at 21.  It was no secret that we weren't planning on a baby, but these things happen sometimes (using a "mini-pill" that has since been taken off the market due to the large numbers of 'Oopsies').  So a dating couple suddenly became a living together couple with no plans to marry.  When my first was nine months old I started to get a lot of questions about when I'd get pregnant again.  A lot of people seemed to think that 18 months between births was the best spacing.  We kept up with the birth control (NFP) until that failed and I had my second when my first was just over her third birthday.

Got better at NFP, and made it known that we were happy with two girls, so don't ask.  Then my doctor told me my PCOS had gotten to the point that if I wanted more children, I'd need medical intervention.  Excellent!  We were happy, I was a SAHM, we finally got married, and life was good for the most part.  Stopped practicing NFP and just moved along.

Then I missed a period.  I'd missed them before due to the PCOS, but I'd found a weird way to make my period start, another story for another time.  This time my period starting trick didn't work.  I waited a couple of weeks and bought a pregnancy test.  It was positive.

My husband and I weren't really all that happy.  I wasn't in favor of abortion as a form of birth control; for me there had to be a medical reason, although if I was pregnant from a rape I think I would have thought long and hard about it.  We muddled through and by the time I entered my third trimester I was getting excited.  By the time I delivered, both of us were really happy to meet our third daughter.  So we had a ten year old, a seven year old, and a newborn.  That child was really a delight!  We were experienced parents and really enjoyed the experience, but we both agreed that we were definitely done.  Back onto NFP until I heard about Norplant, which I got and kept until menopause.

The shock came when we realized some people assumed that we'd 'finally' decided to try for a boy and got a lot of comments like "Oh, you're still young, you'll get your boy next time."  No. We were done and we both resented the implication that this child only existed because our first two children weren't the right sex.  My husband told people "There's nothing I could do with a son that I couldn't do with my daughters."  I went with "This was a happy accident.  We were happy with two girls.  We're happy with three girls.  We're done."  

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rebeccawriter01

My cousin's daughter is 19 and just had a baby with her boyfriend. Let's just say this isn't going to go well. But I was amazed at the number of visitors at the hospital and online asking when she was going to have another. WTH...this is an unmarried couple who did not finish school or earn a GED, have no sustainable income, and don't even get along. He's not even sleeping at home because the baby's crying freaks him out. Yeah...they are great ones to ask about number 2. 

Before social media I chalked it up to people just not knowing what to say to someone. It's kind of like when I saw the baby mentioned above and commented on his onsie being cute (he kinda looks like a frog). I'm not about to congratulate her on a baby my cousin and his girlfriend are going to end up raising. However, people have time to think (not that they do) with social media. They don't have to post anything at all. 

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Idlewild

My niece was married late last year. She and her husband have spoken openly about the fact they want children but are saving for a couple of years ( both have well paid jobs) so they can pay a chunk off their mortgage, visit friends in Australia and be in a position for my niece to cut her hours when she has a child. Notwithstanding that they had several enquiries from her husband’s extended family at Christmas as to whether there ‘was any news to share ‘ some 3 months after their wedding!! 

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kmachete14

Im currently 10 weeks and it's SO annoying the number of people asking when we're going to start trying, or if I'm pregnant yet (I don't look it, they are just inquiring), or just answering the phone saying "You're pregnant!". I don't take it personally and I don't hate it, it just puts me in an odd position of lying to their face, since I'm telling my family at 12 weeks and the world more likely around 20 weeks (or whenever I get a lil bump to photograph). 

We didn't even tell anyone we were trying (we weren't really), so idk how people just assume that four months after marriage this is on the agenda. It's well known that we're moving states this summer, I have to get a Master's to keep my teaching license, and we're only 4 years out of college . . . we're not rolling in dough lolling around with nothing to do but raise a baby! 

 

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Meggo

My mom's cousin starting asking us about babies the second we were married. She then told people that we were going to try right away. (Like, if I was going to announce that to everyone? WHY would I tell YOU that at all?)
As it turned out - we went through infertility. Countless IUIs, 2 failed/half attempted IVFS because my ovaries like to pop off eggs early even in medically controlled cycles etc. Finally going on to adopt our son. 
But in the ELEVEN years it took for us to welcome him - that woman asked at every holiday function, every single time we saw here "SOOoooooo - any newsssss?" 
Then her daughter got married. And also struggled with infertility (which I doubt she told her mother) and waited until she was FIVE MONTHS PREGNANT to even tell the crazy lady. 

I ended up throwing the shower (because babies should be welcomed and not by their bat poop crazy grandmas who won't listen to any shower things the mom wants). And the Grandma to be brought THREE giant plastic bags with every single baby thing she'd ever purchased from any clearance rack since Mom to be was in high school. (Mom was probably in her late 20s when baby came along). Seriously - multiple snow suits, a LOT of girl clothes, stuff she bought at craft shows etc. SO much stuff. 

And now my SILs on my husbands side are pretty well pestering my niece (who is 23) to hurry up and have babies because she "owes her mother". UGH. I hate it. 

Now I have given niece all the smart ass responses to use. "Babies? Hunh - I don't know if we're doing it right - can you draw me a picture of how? Or maybe demo it?" 

 

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Bad Wolf

My sister in law asked when we were going to have kids before we were even married  She was also shocked that we chose to live together first. We're good friends now 45 years later.

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front hugs > duggs

My husband and I have been married about 3.5 years and have purposefully not conceived. I'm very grateful that my dad is a self-absorbed ass who would never think to ask me or pressure me in any way (he WILL think that when/if I do get pregnant that he's too young to be a grandfather, even though he will be in his 60s+). My in-laws I think would like us to have kids now, but they live across the pond and also already have other grandkids, so we don't actually get pestered about it really. 

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allthegoodnamesrgone

People are assholes. I've never understood hounding couples about having a child, or more children,  or comment on trying for this gender or that gender. Just tell them their kids are cute and be done with it. The rest is no one else's business. 

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viii

My sister and her husband said from day one they wanted 5 years of marriage to enjoy themselves. People STILL asked if they were trying or if they were having infertility issues. 

10 days after their 5th wedding anniversary they welcomed my eldest niece ☺️

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Exposedknees

People can be assholes. I'm 56 yrs old, divorced, with 2 happy successful grown daughters. I had a miscarriage between them. Last summer a crazy great aunt commented about me never having a boy, and wondered if my 11 week miscarriage was a boy.

I was like WTF? 🤷Where did that come from? 🤯 I never produced a penis...I'm shattered.☝️

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Gobsmacked

My Narc Mum told everyone she knew that we hadn't had a baby as we were selfish and preferred traveling! We had infertility issues and traveled to cheer ourselves up. I never ever told Mum that. She was a tad taken aback when we had two in two years !! One IVF and a miracle!!

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neuroticcat

Yes people are weird about their comments. We are a big family and inevitably get asked if we will have more or if latest was planned. I infer people are trying to be nice but????

The “planned” question never fails to get me: oh, hi, stranger (or relative) let me talk to you about whether I had unprotected sex with my husband and about my birth control choices... 🙄

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lizzybee

I got asked a lot with our two boys if we were going to try for a girl. We are due in May and it IS a girl, but we would have been thrilled with another boy too. I think sometimes people don’t know what to say when making conversation and start grasping at those old cliches. Doesn’t make it less annoying though. I like that a lot of people are trying to do better now and not ask so many personal questions about people’s fertility and family size. I was chatting with someone not long ago and I found myself really curious about whether they were planning to have children. I stopped myself though because I had that internal conversation with myself that want and can are different things and I didn’t want to cause pain. It wasn’t long after that day that she and her husband announced they were having a baby. I’m glad I didn’t ask. It wasn’t any of my business until they were ready to share. 
 
My husband’s aunt did ask the are you going to try for a girl question the other day. It was more polite than mentioning that I was obviously very pregnant (I thought she knew already), and it was a little fun to say, well we are pregnant and it is a girl. But I know that’s the exception to the rule.

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sixcatatty
2 hours ago, Gobsmacked said:

My Narc Mum told everyone she knew that we hadn't had a baby as we were selfish and preferred traveling! We had infertility issues and traveled to cheer ourselves up. I never ever told Mum that. She was a tad taken aback when we had two in two years !! One IVF and a miracle!!

I had just had my second miscarriage when mine took great pride in telling me she told all her friends that she hoped I never had children because I would be a horrible mother. That's one of the reasons why she died never knowing I'd had four (now five) miscarriages.

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EmmaWoodhouse

I've had it both ways.  When my husband and I got engaged, a distant fundie friend messaged me on Facebook telling me I was going to be a great mom.  A year and a half into our marriage, my grandmother-in-law announced to the entire family that she was glad we had taken her advice (which neither of us remember) and waited to start a family.

Why anyone would think that someone else's reproductive plans is their business is beyond me.

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Glasgowghirl

My parent's got married just before they turned 20 people were asking them if they were getting married because they had to get married, my mum's older sister got married while pregnant but that was not the reason why they got married. My brother wasn't born until 18 months after the wedding. 

When they went to get me baptised as a baby the Priest had changed and he said the same thing to my parents and also was an asshole when he discovered my mum wasn't Catholic, my mum and dad ended up waiting until I was 6 and a new priest was at the church before I got baptised. 

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nausicaa
22 hours ago, Meggo said:

And now my SILs on my husbands side are pretty well pestering my niece (who is 23) to hurry up and have babies because she "owes her mother". UGH. I hate it. 

I've never understood this attitude. Is procreation like a pyramid scheme and you need to hit a certain number for your downline?

 

I was talking to my aunt once after her forty-something son had gotten engaged and inquired if they ever wanted kids (I am in my thirties and childfree, so believe me, this is a neutral question and I don't care what the answer is). My aunt got really loud and preachy and said no and started wagging her finger and said like I was a preschooler, "And that's okay, Nausicaa!" (yeah...I know. Again, I'm in my thirties and don't have kids. Lesson received, you dingbat.)

Not less than ten minutes later, my other cousin walks in, 23 years old and recently engaged (in a bit of a rush that we were all kinda uncomfortable with) and the same aunt says, "Now you know you need to have kids soon, right? You owe your mother that!"

What the ever loving...?

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neurogirl

I got married 1.5 years ago but we are still in our MID twenties. I've gotten lots of comments from my parents until finally I exploded about grad school, finances, traveling, oh, and our sex life. That shut them up 😮 We do want kids, eventually. I'll get back to you in like 4-5 years. 

Unconventional approach, but hey, it seems to have worked 😅

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Jasmar
On 2/21/2020 at 7:51 AM, Flossie said:

The shock came when we realized some people assumed that we'd 'finally' decided to try for a boy and got a lot of comments like "Oh, you're still young, you'll get your boy next time."  No. We were done and we both resented the implication that this child only existed because our first two children weren't the right sex.

Ugh, I totally feel for you. I was a few days shy of 31 when my oldest was born, a girl. She was a huge handful (figured out she was autistic when she was 13), so I waited til she was 3 before having the next, also a girl. When I got pregnant with #3 when dd2 was 16 months, everyone in our fundie-lite circles assumed we were trying for a boy. Which we got.

But man, was I pissed about the assumptions that we needed a penis to complete our family. I was so pissed that I fully intended to have a fourth, just to show them they were wrong (and honestly, I did want another). But I kept getting progressively sicker with each pregnancy, my oldest was special needs, and my husband was an emotionally abusive functioning alcoholic, so it didn’t happen.

Still angers me to think about the “you got your boy!l” bullshit,

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janey

I’m one of four. My husband is one of four. We made the fact we wanted four no secret. More than five years of fertility treatments and we lost three babies, then got a boy, then another boy, then a girl. <insert you got your girl comments here> 
 

After more than a decade trying to get and stay pregnant, we were out of time and money for number 4. <insert stopped when you got your girl then? comments here> I *never* ask/comment except to say “so cute” and “x is a great number!*

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mango_fandango

I’m single and never ever had a boyfriend, so I’m nowhere near having kids. I’m thankful that no-one in my family has asked when I’m going to get a boyfriend or anything like that. 
 

It’s staggering how rude some people can be, even if it’s unintentional. 

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Mrs Ms

The only time and way I ask people about kids is if they have been playing with my ones for the last few hours. And are in a relationship that looks healthy, happy and probably long term. No longer teenagers and we have already talked about their jobs and housing. Even then I ask if they think they might have kids one day in the future. 
Out of our combined 12 siblings, 4 have had kids and I have spoken with 3 of the others about their future plans -  2 of the conversations I didn’t initiate 😄 So obviously not a question I ask very often! (None of our siblings live near us and I would NEVER ask anyone via phone) 

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