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Joy & Austin 30: Who Needs Fire Safety when You Have Jesus?


HerNameIsBuffy

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Well, I've been married for three weeks and people are already asking us if we're trying. My response: Only if you pay for the birth, clothes, food, school and college.

That shuts them off ?

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My 25 year old daughter got married in sept. Everyone in the family is bugging them- they bugged them about having a baby at the wedding! She's getting her master's and has no intention of having a baby anytime soon. They'll even try to get to me- "Don't you want to become a grandma?" I always just say if and when they choose to have a baby is up to them and no one's business. The women in my husband's family have diarrhea of the mouth and literally have no filter.

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It’s never a good idea to ask someone whether they plan on having kids. I know people mean well, but at best you’re being intrusive and potentially making someone really uncomfortable, and at worst you’re possibly deeply hurting someone who is struggling with miscarriages or infertility. Just don’t ask. No matter what their relationship or socioeconomic status or how good they seem with kids. There’s no reason to ask. They’ll tell you if they want to talk about it.

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13 hours ago, singsingsing said:

It’s never a good idea to ask someone whether they plan on having kids. I know people mean well, but at best you’re being intrusive and potentially making someone really uncomfortable, and at worst you’re possibly deeply hurting someone who is struggling with miscarriages or infertility. Just don’t ask. No matter what their relationship or socioeconomic status or how good they seem with kids. There’s no reason to ask. They’ll tell you if they want to talk about it.

I had to tell my mom this. My cousin- the one I threw the shower for- the one with the crazy mom - has Lupus. My mom was at the hospital to go to an appointment with my sister for something and across the hall was an infertility doc. They had a pamphlet on pregnancy and lupus. She said "I picked one up - I'm going to send it to Cousin." 
I said "You'll do no such thing. You know NOTHING about why she isn't have kids and it's none of your business." 
My mom - being the nosey nelly that she is - was sure that maybe Cousin just didn't KNOW about this doctor. 
I said "OR - they have had multiple miscarriages, are trying IVF for the fourth time, have decided they don't want kids, maybe they can't have children, maybe they already have a great doc who is on this. Regardless - YOU don't know and it's not your place to ask. So if you send it? You'll be JUST like Cousin's Mom." 

(which my mother haaaaaates the thought of)

I don't know if she sent it or not - but - I made my point known at least. Unless someone specifically mentions babies to me - I don't ask them anything about babies. In case they are heartbroken and frankly - because it's none of my beeswax. You want to tell me? Great. You open that door. Till then - I'll do my best to keep the old biddies at bay for you.

Edited by Meggo
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13 hours ago, singsingsing said:

It’s never a good idea to ask someone whether they plan on having kids. I know people mean well, but at best you’re being intrusive and potentially making someone really uncomfortable, and at worst you’re possibly deeply hurting someone who is struggling with miscarriages or infertility. Just don’t ask. No matter what their relationship or socioeconomic status or how good they seem with kids. There’s no reason to ask. They’ll tell you if they want to talk about it.

I was absolutely too polite in the past.

Some old bat at my mother-in-law's church straight up asked me how long my husband and I had been married. AT the time, I think we had just celebrated our 11th anniversary. She asked me why we didn't have "several children running around." By that time, I had had three miscarriages. I said we have cats (I was a sweet summer child and thought she would get the message to move on). She got all over me for thinking cats were better than children. I told my husband I would be outside when he got finished yakking.

Several years later, again at my mother-in-law's, my husband's brother's mother-in-law asked if we had children (four miscarriages by now). This time, I said we hadn't been blessed. She had the unmitigated gall to tell me that God didn't make mistakes and knew when some people shouldn't be parents. My husband made sure to keep me faaaar away from the bitch that day.

I'm at the point now where I ask which of my five miscarriages the person wants to know about.

 

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I know I know, but I just can't with this kid, he is seriously the cutest happiest little boy, and I don't care who you are, hearing a baby/toddler giggle will make your worst day better. 

 

 

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You can see a lot more Duggar in him in those pictures. Definitely some Henry(? Seewald2) in those cheesy grins. 

From the “large fams are interesting to watch genetic expression on such a scale” line of thinking, I find it interesting to see how similar the grand kiddos look. 

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Just now, theotherelise said:

You can see a lot more Duggar in him in those pictures. Definitely some Henry(? Seewald2) in those cheesy grins. 

From the “large fams are interesting to watch genetic expression on such a scale” line of thinking, I find it interesting to see how similar the grand kiddos look. 

Me too.  I wouldn't recommend anyone have tons of kids for the science, but since they are already here I find the genetic variations fascinating.

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26 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

Me too.  I wouldn't recommend anyone have tons of kids for the science, but since they are already here I find the genetic variations fascinating.

My kids are very different physically and with different personalities, too. I have wondered often how other children of mine will look like. I don't want a big family, so I stopped at 2, but sometimes I think about it. 

Fun fact, one of my kids looks like my grandpa and has his personality too! It's fascinating how genetics work. 

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My youngest brother and our youngest cousin, a woman, each have 3 sons. My brother’s youngest son and our cousin’s oldest boy (who happens to be a fraternal twin) look like identical twins. Genetics are fascinating.

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I was doing family tree work one night and pulled up an obituary for a very very distant relative who had recently died. His picture popped up with the obit and I was looking at the spitting image of my dad's oldest brother. I couldn't believe it! Someone so distantly related looking exactly like my uncle. Genetics are wild!

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My paternal aunts granddaughter was basically my look a like when she was born. She doesn't anymore. But it was so freaky when she was a baby she looked exactly like me and I'm 18 years older. My cousins, uncles kids, I haven't ever really talked to but they found me on instagram. If someone scrambled my pictures and theirs, it would look like one account. We like food pics, same scenery pictures, it's just weird how similar our view point is. And these people I never had a relationship with. It's just pure genetics because we didn't even grow up in the same country.  

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3 hours ago, SassyPants said:

My youngest brother and our youngest cousin, a woman, each have 3 sons. My brother’s youngest son and our cousin’s oldest boy (who happens to be a fraternal twin) look like identical twins. Genetics are fascinating.

Wow that’s interesting. I look like my first cousin, he looks like his other first cousins but if myself, my first cousin & his other first cousin are in a room together someone might think all 3 of us are related, even though I have no blood relation to my cousin’s other first cousin. 

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My dad and I have eerily similar baby pictures. My two sisters definitely don’t. And I a, the one with dads brown eyes too.

 

interestingly, my (adopted) son looks SOOOOO much like Daddy. Right down to the same lazy eye. My husband explains it that Birth Mom picked us because he reminded them of an uncle or something but it’s really eerie..

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Man is that Duggar- head gene strong! 
 

I especially like the pic of Gideon in front of the assault rifle. ?‍♀️  At least he has ear protection 

 

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1 hour ago, PlentyOfJesusFishInTheSea said:

No one's gonna comment that Gideon's on a horse without a helmet? I guess it's my turn!

I was going to, until I realized that there was an adult holding the horse and they likely just set him up there for a photo op.  In those situations I wouldn't put a helmet on, either.  

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Ugh, you guys are making me nervous for my future. My sister has consistently expressed that she never wants children (no offense to her but she's kind of a narcissist so that's a good call tbh) so my mother has said I'm her "last hope" for grandchildren. Now, I'm solidly undecided on the subject. Sometimes I think about the work and the sleepless nights and the stress and I think, "nope, not for me." Sometimes I think about the love and the pride and want one so bad it hurts. I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. But regardless, if I get married/into my early 30s, I get the sinking feeling my loving, well-meaning, but nosy, filter-less, as-no-idea-why-everyone-doesn't-share-their-tragic-personal-experiences-and-infertility-woes-with-her-just-because-she-struggled-with-infertility-herself mother will be bothering me about how badly she wants to be a Memere.

And honestly, I do feel kind of guilty about not being 100% sold on the thought of kids. My family is huge, catholic, and EXTREMELY family oriented. I know she'd do anything for me and my potential spawn. I don't want to rob her of the experience of being a grandmother. But I am also scared shitless by the prospect of parenthood, and I don't need a peanut gallery bugging me about it. 

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27 minutes ago, MargaretElliott said:

Ugh, you guys are making me nervous for my future. My sister has consistently expressed that she never wants children (no offense to her but she's kind of a narcissist so that's a good call tbh) so my mother has said I'm her "last hope" for grandchildren. Now, I'm solidly undecided on the subject. Sometimes I think about the work and the sleepless nights and the stress and I think, "nope, not for me." Sometimes I think about the love and the pride and want one so bad it hurts. I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. But regardless, if I get married/into my early 30s, I get the sinking feeling my loving, well-meaning, but nosy, filter-less, as-no-idea-why-everyone-doesn't-share-their-tragic-personal-experiences-and-infertility-woes-with-her-just-because-she-struggled-with-infertility-herself mother will be bothering me about how badly she wants to be a Memere.

And honestly, I do feel kind of guilty about not being 100% sold on the thought of kids. My family is huge, catholic, and EXTREMELY family oriented. I know she'd do anything for me and my potential spawn. I don't want to rob her of the experience of being a grandmother. But I am also scared shitless by the prospect of parenthood, and I don't need a peanut gallery bugging me about it. 

You are right to hold firm that you absolutely need to live your life for yourself and not your mom.

 

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1 hour ago, MargaretElliott said:

Ugh, you guys are making me nervous for my future. My sister has consistently expressed that she never wants children (no offense to her but she's kind of a narcissist so that's a good call tbh) so my mother has said I'm her "last hope" for grandchildren. Now, I'm solidly undecided on the subject. Sometimes I think about the work and the sleepless nights and the stress and I think, "nope, not for me." Sometimes I think about the love and the pride and want one so bad it hurts. I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. But regardless, if I get married/into my early 30s, I get the sinking feeling my loving, well-meaning, but nosy, filter-less, as-no-idea-why-everyone-doesn't-share-their-tragic-personal-experiences-and-infertility-woes-with-her-just-because-she-struggled-with-infertility-herself mother will be bothering me about how badly she wants to be a Memere.

And honestly, I do feel kind of guilty about not being 100% sold on the thought of kids. My family is huge, catholic, and EXTREMELY family oriented. I know she'd do anything for me and my potential spawn. I don't want to rob her of the experience of being a grandmother. But I am also scared shitless by the prospect of parenthood, and I don't need a peanut gallery bugging me about it. 

Sounds like you are in your 20's or younger, you have time to make up your mind. I was in no way shape or form sold on having kids at all in my teens and early 20's, I wasn't sold at all until I got married (at 26) and was like yeah I DO want kids. Tell your mom what I told mine when she was pestering us for kids. "I can have one right now, or if you prefer I can get married 1st" that pretty much shut her up. 

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My late mother had a great, great uncle who was a well known painter in her home country and known in his home country. while on vacation, we went to an art gallery that has his work and saw a self portrait. My God, my  mother favored him a lot! Same nose and mouth! And my cousin, looks an awful lot like him too. 

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1 hour ago, MargaretElliott said:

Ugh, you guys are making me nervous for my future. My sister has consistently expressed that she never wants children (no offense to her but she's kind of a narcissist so that's a good call tbh) so my mother has said I'm her "last hope" for grandchildren. Now, I'm solidly undecided on the subject. Sometimes I think about the work and the sleepless nights and the stress and I think, "nope, not for me." Sometimes I think about the love and the pride and want one so bad it hurts. I'll burn that bridge when I get to it. But regardless, if I get married/into my early 30s, I get the sinking feeling my loving, well-meaning, but nosy, filter-less, as-no-idea-why-everyone-doesn't-share-their-tragic-personal-experiences-and-infertility-woes-with-her-just-because-she-struggled-with-infertility-herself mother will be bothering me about how badly she wants to be a Memere.

And honestly, I do feel kind of guilty about not being 100% sold on the thought of kids. My family is huge, catholic, and EXTREMELY family oriented. I know she'd do anything for me and my potential spawn. I don't want to rob her of the experience of being a grandmother. But I am also scared shitless by the prospect of parenthood, and I don't need a peanut gallery bugging me about it. 

My thoughts on  having children, not having children and having more children:

If there’s any inkling at all that having a child is not for you, or any wavering on your decision, IMO, it’s best to not have kids. Same when it comes to a couple where one person might want another child and the other doesn’t, IMO it’s best for all concerned to not have another child. Bluntly put, children are hard and they will take everything you have physically and emotionally for a good long time, and for some, forever. Raising children is a grind with the occasional blissful, happy ,stress-free, delightful interludes. Little ones are physical workout like no other, and adult children are a mental marathon. I just wonder what all that stress does to a body over time. The worry and concern never goes away. 
My mom was always a bit physically sad when one of us announced another was on the way. Looking back I think it’s because she knew the path we were entering. 
Children are biggest of all things: joy, love, warmth, compassion, anger, sadness, worry.

Parenthood is worth it all, if that is what you truly want.

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