Duggars by the Dozen 35: Five Months with no Pregnant Duggars. How much longer will it last?

[AussieKrissy]

56 minutes ago, viii said:

This thread stresses me the fuck out. I'm 33, and haven't been in a long-term relationship in YEARS. I want children so bad, but at this point in my life... I just don't see it happening. That makes me sad. 

I was exactly the same. I have a 2.5 year old now. Go it alone, it's tiring, stressful and wonderful all in one!!! 

If you want it. Give it a shot. Better than waking up fifty and thinking shoulda, woulda, coulda.

[AussieKrissy]

11 hours ago, SweetJuly said:

I agree with a lot of what you said, but egg freezing is unfortunately a lot trickier than many people believe (myself included before I looked it up)

Apparently oocytes don't take freezing very well - many of them don't survive being thawed, and I think there is also limitations on how long they can be stored. Also, you may want to consider freezing them quite young, such as in your early 20s (when you perhaps don't have the financial means to do so) as the quantity and quality of available oocytes decreases with age, i.e. it may be a bad idea to start looking into this in your 30s. The technology surrounding egg freezing might improve in the future, but from what I understand currently it's a bit of a rip-off.

I was told it is better to freeze embryos rather than eggs for this reason. I got a donor and that is what I did. 
I read an article about google (???) paying for it's female staff to freeze their eggs, so they could work longer. Though I thought that this was a lovely idea/gesture. I did wonder (knowing what I have been told) just how lucky these ladies would be putting all their eggs literally in one basket, 

[viii]

I live paycheque to paycheque. I’m in no financial position to adopt or do it alone. Motherhood isn’t necessarily my calling, and most days I’m okay with that. Every now and then though... it just sucks. 

[Skeptic]

5 hours ago, OyToTheVey said:

I'm not trying to hold anyone down but as a child of older parents, I can honestly say it's very noticeable. My friends worry about themselves, meanwhile, I worry if mine take their meds and take care of themselves. My friends grandparents are my parents age. 

I hear you on this, as the child of parents who had me at 40.  My dad got cancer when I was 17, and died when I was 20. My mom’s health started declining when I was 20, and she died of chronic illnesses when I was 24. 

Sure, I was an adult when they died and they’d done their job raising me, but I spent my early 20s caring for them. It took (and is sill taking) a toll on my mental health and I regret that I didn’t get more time with them. 

[JordynDarby5]

8 hours ago, BachelorToTheRapture said:

I'm currently 26, and there's no chance I'll be having kids anytime soon. At this point my health problems are bad enough that I couldn't parent, frequently I can't even get myself dinner from a drive through and need my husband to do it for me. Even if my body could handle pregnancy and childbirth, with my pain, fatigue, and vomiting, I couldn't be there for my kid and I would not be okay with that. I hope that I can find answers and feel better and have kids when I'm older, but at this point it's just not something I can do. Given how long even scheduling tests, much less getting answers takes I assume if I'm ever able to have kids I will be at least 30, and I hope that I will be okay as a slightly older parent. 

This is where I'm at now. Although I'm a decade older. I thought once my first health problems were solved I could get back on track.  A stable job, money and figure out how to have a kid or adoption. I love kids I've always wanted to be a mom. But then I got sick again and I still am four years with no diagnosis. Obviously now is out too since I currently need to be taken care of. And who know for how long. I don't know how this is going to be resolved or if I'll ever get better. I suspect I'll never be 100% even if I get a diagnosis now and work towards whatever the new normal. I could easily be forty by the time I have any idea what my new normal is going to be. Assuming of course I get a diagnosis. I know its not too old for a lot of women. But I don't know if my body will ever be healthy enough to carry a baby.  Adoption also seems really unlikely. Even if I get back 100% who's going to give a baby or child to a woman with two previous medical problems the second one where she was unable to take care of herself? Who wouldn't worry if I get sick a third time? And if I'm not 100% well who's going to pick someone with muscle uses and may need a walker to get around to raise their child? It just seems very likely I'll never have a child. I've been trying hard to let it go. But I still can't let go of the idea. Of the hope that maybe, just maybe it can still happen.  

[louisa05]

4 hours ago, QuiverDance said:

 I had my kids at 35 and 37, so I guess I failed yet another FreeJinger test.  Oh well!  

Seriously though, I don't seem to be significantly older than any other moms I run into. 

 

When a bunch of the moms came in to help with the Halloween party in the third grade (8-9 year olds) I'm currently subbing for, they ranged from looking like they were barely out of their teens to one who is probably over 50 and every age in between . The older mom's only other child graduated with my nephew from this same school, making that child 24 this year--and her son randomly informed me one day that "my mom says I was an oops baby". All of my teaching years, I've seen wide ranges in ages of parents. Most kids seem used to it as well. 

 

[SapphireSlytherin]

48 minutes ago, Skeptic said:

I regret that I didn’t get more time with them.

I'm so sorry.

And for what it's worth - my mom had me when she was 29. I was 48 when she died, and I still didn't get enough time with her. Even though our relationship was not the best, I wasn't ready for her to go - and she went suddenly, with no warning. 

[louisa05]

44 minutes ago, Skeptic said:

I hear you on this, as the child of parents who had me at 40.  My dad got cancer when I was 17, and died when I was 20. My mom’s health started declining when I was 20, and she died of chronic illnesses when I was 24. 

Sure, I was an adult when they died and they’d done their job raising me, but I spent my early 20s caring for them. It took (and is sill taking) a toll on my mental health and I regret that I didn’t get more time with them. 

My husband has a friend who lost both parents by the time he was 22. One in an accident and one from cancer. They were both under 50 when they died. That can happen at any age. 

And I can assure you that caregiving takes a toll no matter how old you are when you do it. I was 40 when my dad was diagnosed with stage iv cancer. No one I knew had been there or knew how to support me. I had one friend who had lost a parent. Only one-high school friends, college friends, friends from different workplaces over the years and exactly one had been through caregiving or losing a parent. Her dad died of a brain tumor when we were in our 20s. She was an only child and he was a single parent. She was a caregiver in her 20s, too. And he was 22 when she was born--so he did his "have children in your 20s so you don't die when they are too young" duty. It can happen at any age.

Should people never have children because they may get sick and die some day? What is the cut off there? How do you decide that you are young enough and healthy enough to live however many years will be considered enough? We have a third grader at school whose dad died of a terminal illness when he was in first grade. He was in his early 30s. Youngest child was six, so he, too, did his duty of having children in his 20s as is prescribed here. Still dead. There isn't an answer for this. There are no guarantees as to how long any of us will live. 

[QuiverDance]

5 hours ago, Mama Mia said:

No one has remotely implied that anyone failed any sort of “test” by having children at any particular age. The age people have kids varies a great deal. People are simply sharing experiences. 

 I was obviously speaking tongue in cheek, as implied by "Seriously, though."  

 

 

 

 

[twoandthrough]

6 hours ago, QuiverDance said:

 I had my kids at 35 and 37, so I guess I failed yet another FreeJinger test.  Oh well!  

Seriously though, I don't seem to be significantly older than any other moms I run into.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had mine at 28 and 30, and I swear, I am always either the youngest mom of a group or the oldest. Never in the middle. It's bizarre. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

My husband is an older father to our young kids but it’s been a positive. He’s very secure in his job and gets a decent amount of time off because of it. So he gets to spend a lot of time with the kids. It wouldn’t have been that way if he had decided to have kids at a young age. It wouldn’t have been horrible, but he definitely would not have had the flexibility. 

[feministxtian]

My daughter is planning on IVF next year. She's 36. Her husband is 10 years younger than she is so it sort of works out. I had my last one at 26..I always said that I was going to finish my family before I was 30, but that's just me. The mother was allegedly 31 when I was born and my father was 36. I'm of the opinion that being an only sucks worse than having "older" parents. I had to assume certain responsibilities I didn't want nor asked for when my father died. I was 34 when he died. The mother, after her first stroke in 2005 became my responsibility for the next 7 years. My aunt also became my responsibility even though she was in a home. I had to make the life and death decisions and still second guess myself 6+ years later. 

So, you do you, what's right for you. 

[SapphireSlytherin]

30 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

I'm of the opinion that being an only sucks worse than having "older" parents.

I agree with you. I'm an only, and my dad's "caregiver" (if you can call it that - he's still getting along pretty much OK) from 200+ miles away. I spend every-other or every third weekend at his house - cleaning, doing laundry, trimming his cat's nails, doing the "heavy" shopping, etc., while my fucking SAINT of a husband goes along with me and does the "handyman" tasks. 

It's so very tiring. But I'm still so very thankful my dad is still alive and still "all there." 

 

except, I'd change your words to "sucks worse while having older parents."

 

[singsingsing]

Nothing is for sure. Older parents could live well into old age, healthy and mentally fit. Younger parents could succumb to unforeseen illnesses or accidents. Having siblings is no guarantee, either. I have a sister but she's on a different continent. I have no idea if she'll ever be back - probably not. If anything happens to my parents or grandparents, I will definitely be the one dealing with it. 

[NotQuiteMotY]

I'm surprised no one has mentioned, for the cost of a child, just giving birth to them if you live in the US. Labor and delivery for my son (relatively uncomplicated vaginal delivery, though with Pitocin to start it off) cost $30,000 according to the hospital. Now, that was before the insurance negotiated it down, but just having the baby himself hit our deductible for the year. And healthcare is probably one of the single worst expenses ongoing, depending on your insurance. I don't even remember how much the midnight ER visit at 9 months was, and that's probably my brain sparing me.

The age thing... There are so many arguments either way for young parents, old parents, or in the middle. My parents were 40 when I was born (youngest of three born in five years, all planned). I had my son at 30 and we're planning on at least one more before I reach 35; I waver on whether I want to go for more than that, especially because of just how I'm wired and handle pregnancy and postpartum/infanthood, but I'm not entirely comfortable with the age-related risks if I push past 35 or so.

It's such an individual decision.

[ihaveanexamintwodays]

@AussieKrissy @HurricaneBells - just out of curiosity, where are you each from? are you by chance from the same area? i've literally never heard anyone say "fell" with the meaning of "became pregnant" before, until i saw it twice on the same page of this thread! i'm curious, haha. 

[neurogirl]

This thread is so stressful! I'm 25 and newly married and people are already teasing us about kids. We live in a one-bedroom apartment in California, I'm in grad school, all our disposable income goes towards seeing our families who live across the country (and far away from each other), and we don't always get the laundry done in time. I don't even feel like a full adult yet. Even if my body may be the most prepared to conceive and bear a child, the essence of me sure isn't. I want to go abroad with my husband, have savings, feel like I have my sh*t together for at least a hot sec before adding a baby. If we had an unplanned pregnancy, we may keep it at this point, but realistically we won't try to start a family for 4-5 years, and even then I'll be in the middle of a postdoc and hopefully teaching my first classes and there's never going to be an easy time. I am an only who hated it and my husband is one of 4 who loved it, so we would love 2-4 kids, but definitely at least 2. I can't have 4 kids between 30-35, and hearing that 35 year olds are "elderly primigravida" and knowing that my mom had me at 27 is just...ahhh. 

Can some of you share your life all worked out stories too?

[SapphireSlytherin]

9 minutes ago, ihaveanexamintwodays said:

i've literally never heard anyone say "fell" with the meaning of "became pregnant"

The only people I've heard say that are/were from Louisiana.

8 minutes ago, neurogirl said:

Can some of you share your life all worked out stories too?

It always works out. Sometimes not the way you think it will, though. Hang in there!

[grandmadugger]

21 hours ago, Mama Mia said:

That’s a really interesting family story! How did Mystery Aunt connect with the rest of the family? 

It’s really interesting now with social media how many people are connecting with family they didn’t know they had. I know several people who found siblings from their estranged mother or father’s side... they may have vaguely knew their parent had other kids, but never knew anything about each other, and are now talking,

The weirdest set of circumstances. The two known adopted children were because of the internet. The unknown was because of crappy weather. My cousin was working construction and it was too bad to go out so everyone was sitting around the office talking.  My cousin mentioned his hometown and this woman said she had been told that was where her biological brother lived at one time. He offered to help her out if she ever wanted to find her brother since the family had been in the area for years someone would know her brother. She told him the name and it was his grandpa. This all happened just days before she passed away. 

[VelociRapture]

20 minutes ago, NotQuiteMotY said:

I'm surprised no one has mentioned, for the cost of a child, just giving birth to them if you live in the US. Labor and delivery for my son (relatively uncomplicated vaginal delivery, though with Pitocin to start it off) cost $30,000 according to the hospital. Now, that was before the insurance negotiated it down, but just having the baby himself hit our deductible for the year. And healthcare is probably one of the single worst expenses ongoing, depending on your insurance. I don't even remember how much the midnight ER visit at 9 months was, and that's probably my brain sparing me.

The age thing... There are so many arguments either way for young parents, old parents, or in the middle. My parents were 40 when I was born (youngest of three born in five years, all planned). I had my son at 30 and we're planning on at least one more before I reach 35; I waver on whether I want to go for more than that, especially because of just how I'm wired and handle pregnancy and postpartum/infanthood, but I'm not entirely comfortable with the age-related risks if I push past 35 or so.

It's such an individual decision.

I’ve mentioned this before, but the total bill for my daughter’s birth almost two years ago was probably around $90,000 - $19,000 for the birth and my stay, $3,000 for the epidural, and an additional $65,000-$70,000 for her one week (yes, one week) in NICU* since she was premature. I thank Rufus every fucking day that we had insurance that covered every single penny of those bills. Had she been born just a few weeks later we would have had to pay our full deductible (around $6,000) because our insurance resets in January. That was the one real good thing about her being born premature.

*And that was for pretty standard care too. Babies requiring more intense interventions can easily rack up much higher bills. 

11 minutes ago, neurogirl said:

This thread is so stressful! I'm 25 and newly married and people are already teasing us about kids. We live in a one-bedroom apartment in California, I'm in grad school, all our disposable income goes towards seeing our families who live across the country (and far away from each other), and we don't always get the laundry done in time. I don't even feel like a full adult yet. Even if my body may be the most prepared to conceive and bear a child, the essence of me sure isn't. I want to go abroad with my husband, have savings, feel like I have my sh*t together for at least a hot sec before adding a baby. If we had an unplanned pregnancy, we may keep it at this point, but realistically we won't try to start a family for 4-5 years, and even then I'll be in the middle of a postdoc and hopefully teaching my first classes and there's never going to be an easy time. I am an only who hated it and my husband is one of 4 who loved it, so we would love 2-4 kids, but definitely at least 2. I can't have 4 kids between 30-35, and hearing that 35 year olds are "elderly primigravida" and knowing that my mom had me at 27 is just...ahhh. 

Can some of you share your life all worked out stories too?

This may not be what you’re looking for, but here goes:

My husband and I got married when I was 27 and he was 28. We delayed our honeymoon for two months because of the winter holidays and started trying to conceive at the very end of it. I have longer than average cycles (six weeks), which means I was still in my first cycle trying when I conceived a month later. I found out I was pregnant two days after my nephew was born and miscarried exactly a week later. It was a really difficult time for me because I was thrilled over that tiny little human, but devastated over my early loss.

Two months later, still in the cycle following my loss, I found out I was pregnant again. I was happy, but also pretty scared of another loss. We saw the baby and heard the heartbeat for the first time the day after I turned 28 when I was just about six weeks pregnant. 28 weeks later she trolled us really good by deciding a full term birth was too mainstream. She was born pretty healthy at 34 weeks gestation and after the longest and most difficult week of my life she was able to come home. She is currently sleeping peacefully in her crib and will be 2 in one week.  

[feministxtian]

I had my first at 18. Single, sperm donor long gone. Second, I was 23, and 2 months after he was born my first X said he didn't want to be married anymore. Got pregnant with #3. That X was an asshole, jerk, abusive fuck, etc. We split when #3 was not quite 7. Life was tough, hard as hell, broke as fuck, too much stuff, not enough time. It all worked out. Kids are now 36, 31 and 28. They're happy, healthy, productive and close (which I would have never expected). We have worked out our relationship, hashed everything out and everything is good. #1 son just sent me video of him playing around with his Darth Vader helmet. Good Lord he's a goof! Daughter is working in Idaho this week, she hates Idaho because she goes between 2 small towns. She'll be home on Friday. #2 son is living his hippie dippy life in Northern California, doing his thing. Their early years were HARD as FUCK but I don't regret a thing, they're amazing and I'm proud to be their mama. 

[Purrl]

1 hour ago, feministxtian said:

My daughter is planning on IVF next year. She's 36. Her husband is 10 years younger than she is so it sort of works out. I had my last one at 26..I always said that I was going to finish my family before I was 30, but that's just me. The mother was allegedly 31 when I was born and my father was 36. I'm of the opinion that being an only sucks worse than having "older" parents. I had to assume certain responsibilities I didn't want nor asked for when my father died. I was 34 when he died. The mother, after her first stroke in 2005 became my responsibility for the next 7 years. My aunt also became my responsibility even though she was in a home. I had to make the life and death decisions and still second guess myself 6+ years later. 

So, you do you, what's right for you. 

I have an only child - not by choice. We left it up to God and that’s what he decided. ? l worry that we will be such a burden to her as we age. I’ve already left instructions that she is to toss me in a home and doesn’t even have to come visit me if it’s too difficult for her. I hope I remember that I’m the one that suggested it when that happens ?

[QuiverDance]

19 minutes ago, Purrl said:

 I hope I remember that I’m the one that suggested it when that happens ?

I bet it won’t happen. It is hard to let go of a parent even when you want to, much less when you love them.  I bet there is little chance your child would never visit you, and I definitely hope that doesn’t happen.    

[SapphireSlytherin]

12 minutes ago, Purrl said:

she is to toss me in a home and doesn’t even have to come visit me if it’s too difficult for her.

After dealing with my dad, I've told GryffindorDisappointment the same. Put me in a home and go live your life...

 

1 hour ago, NotQuiteMotY said:

just giving birth to them if you live in the US.

GryffDis's birth cost $34.65 - three days in an Army hospital. That was the cost of my food for three days/two nights.

 

[Screamapillar]

31 minutes ago, neurogirl said:

I can't have 4 kids between 30-35, and hearing that 35 year olds are "elderly primigravida" and knowing that my mom had me at 27 is just...ahhh. 

Can some of you share your life all worked out stories too?

Don't stress. You're so young! Enjoy a few childfree years with your husband. Sleep late, go out to the movies at the drop of a hat, pay off debts, and build equity.

I wish my husband and I had met a few years earlier. We got together at 30, married at 32, and started trying to get pregnant less than three months later because people try to scare you into thinking that it's always hard to get pregnant after 30. Yeah, got pregnant on the first try. Even so, two years later when we started to think about #2 I was worried that the first time was a fluke and that it might take years this time. Yeah, got pregnant on the first try again. If I'd known I would be so lucky to have that kind of fertility and easy pregnancies/deliveries I might have liked to spend at least another year just living the carefree childfree life with my husband. See a doctor and get checked out if you want to make sure that everything is in working order, but in my personal opinion it is much easier to raise children after you've had a few years to establish yourselves. I posted earlier griping about the cost of childcare, but at least in our early thirties after a decade of both of us earning good incomes, it is not a financial strain for us to afford it all.

And in my personal opinion, 2 babies is the perfect number of babies. My husband and I are both the middle child of 3, and while we considered having up to 3, we decided we were definitely done with just 2 about mid way through my second pregnancy. We didn't want to be outnumbered. And if there was any doubt, #2 sealed his status as youngest child by having a gigantic head and making his way out too quickly for me to get an epidural.