Duggars by the Dozen 35: Five Months with no Pregnant Duggars. How much longer will it last?

[luv2laugh]

2 minutes ago, VelociRapture said:

To anyone thinking about having kids: research your options and do what you think is best for you and your situation. Try to stay flexible and realize that sometimes reality doesn’t match up with your dreams. If it all works out the way you hope then that’s fantastic. If it doesn’t then you can try to adjust your plans accordingly to make the best of whatever situation you find yourself in. 

I don’t want to overstep (and I genuinely apologize if I do), but do you think maybe your Doctor is right and that therapy could be helpful for you on this? I kind of get the feeling from your recent posts here and on the Dillard thread that there’s more on your mind then you’re sharing right now (which, by the way, is completely ok! You’re under no obligation to share more than you feel comfortable sharing.) Maybe therapy could be a healthy way for you sort through some of those thoughts and relieve some of the emotion you feel over your fertility? 

(And again, I’m really sorry if I overstepped here at all.)

I actually see a good therapist who rocks. He wanted me to make sure because he thought my worries about my fertility were premature because as of right now, everything is very healthy. 

It’s true that it’s usually more of a  geographical thing on when people start having kids. I live near a very big city. 

[NotQuiteMotY]

28 minutes ago, luv2laugh said:

Thanks @AliceinFundyland I am feeling pretty panicked today about this. I even had a legitimate anxiety attack thinking about my fertility.

I can’t stand the thought of getting older because I’m worried about my fertility but I won’t be in a place to have kids at least until I finish grad school and I probably won’t be in grad school for two more years... gulp... I’ll keep seeing my fertility endocrinologist and let him know my plans and do check ups but who knows what happens. Plenty of people have kids in school and while working and I’m determined to make it work. 

I’m so worried about fertility (I am 25 but 26 in two weeks gulp...) that my fertility endocrinologist actually told me to see a therapist about it.

26 isn't that old. I assume from your description that you're figuring you won't be in a position to have kids until at least 30, assuming a two-year grad program? I think I mentioned upthread that I had my son at 30, and he was on the first try. If you're already seeing a fertility endocrinologist, it seems like you're in the right hands as is. If you're really concerned you can always try getting a second opinion. Either way, it might not be a bad idea to follow his therapist recommendation and figure out why it's tying you up in knots.

And honestly? For anyone else concerned? I don't think you ever feel ready. We picked a date to start trying and went for it, both with Little NQ and Potential Littler NQ. Obviously, pick your own benchmark(s), and be willing to renegotiate/reassess as needed, but if you definitely want to have kids try to determine what would make you feel as comfortable as possible and work from there. Extra experiences, finances, etc. are hardly a bad thing to have under your belt.

[Iamtheway]

38 minutes ago, Meggo said:

Yes - I would have liked to have had children earlier - and I think about it now - that I could have had a 15 year old now. (if I'd been able to get pregnant when we started trying). But.. I wouldn't trade this kiddo for the world and I know people who have kids that are younger than their grandkids - so ... it's all just weird. Age is a number.

I could have had a 9 year old. But it would be a different kid and not the one that I have now that is the best kid in the world. That’s really weird to think about. 

[VelociRapture]

16 minutes ago, NotQuiteMotY said:

26 isn't that old. I assume from your description that you're figuring you won't be in a position to have kids until at least 30, assuming a two-year grad program? I think I mentioned upthread that I had my son at 30, and he was on the first try. If you're already seeing a fertility endocrinologist, it seems like you're in the right hands as is. If you're really concerned you can always try getting a second opinion. Either way, it might not be a bad idea to follow his therapist recommendation and figure out why it's tying you up in knots.

And honestly? For anyone else concerned? I don't think you ever feel ready. We picked a date to start trying and went for it, both with Little NQ and Potential Littler NQ. Obviously, pick your own benchmark(s), and be willing to renegotiate/reassess as needed, but if you definitely want to have kids try to determine what would make you feel as comfortable as possible and work from there. Extra experiences, finances, etc. are hardly a bad thing to have under your belt.

My husband and I were as prepared as we could be and we definitely still didn’t feel ready by the time our daughter was born. I remember getting fleeting moments of panic while I was in labor because it was too soon and because I felt like we had no clue what we were doing when it came to being parents. It’s one of those things where you just kind of have to learn on the job and hope you don’t screw up too badly.  

But yes, doing what you personally feel is necessary ahead of time to be ready is absolutely a good thing.

28 minutes ago, luv2laugh said:

I actually see a good therapist who rocks. He wanted me to make sure because he thought my worries about my fertility were premature because as of right now, everything is very healthy. 

It’s true that it’s usually more of a  geographical thing on when people start having kids. I live near a very big city. 

I’m glad to hear that.  

And yes, geography definitely can play a big role as can generational or cultural differences. I live in Connecticut and I think the average first time parent tends to be closer to 30 here. So people wanting to wait to have kids doesn’t sound as odd to me as it might to someone where that age is closer to, say, 25 or 26. 

[front hugs > duggs]

I'm turning 29 within the next couple of months and have been married for a bit over 2 years. I totally understand the "you never feel/are ready" thing. What concerns me is already feeling exhausted working 9-5ish and always feel like I need to catch up on laundry and dishes and cleaning with just the two of us (and two catbabies). We are still working to get out of some debt and I'm still trying to really cement myself in my workplace. We won't have any family to help support us with anything. The one thing seemingly going for us is working opposite hours - I think at most we would need a babysitter a few times a week for only a couple of hours. 

I know I would be able to push through the exhaustion and make things work because there is no other choice then to take care of ourselves and children. But it's mostly the exhaustion (and I DEFINITELY agree with others about really still feeling like a child) that is totally overwhelming to me when thinking about that "next step".

[Iamtheway]

I remember when we walked out of the hospital with Miniway. It was so surreal. There was a overwhelming feeling of fraud. ”Are they really just going to let us walk out with this baby and be totally responsible for his wellbeing? Do they understand that we have no idea what we’re doing?” 

[AtlanticTug]

You're never really ready as you can't imagine what it will be like until it happens. There are obvious pros/cons to being a younger parent vs an older one.

I had my kids late - first one 3 weeks after I turned 36 and second one 2 months after I turned 38. It was a combination of factors - I didn't meet my husband until I was 30, and we suffered 6 miscarriages and had to do 5 fresh IVF cycles to have our kids. Obviously we hoped to have them earlier, but life didn't work out that way. I for sure feel more tired now than I would have been 10 years ago. I have less energy (physically) and it's a bit lonely in the sense that my friends with kids had them earlier so their kids are quite a bit older than ours and it doesn't really make for easy socializing at this stage. I don't have a lot of Mom friends - just a couple who happen to be of a similar age. Most of the ones in the Mom groups I went to are waaaay younger than me and I just really didn't feel like I meshed with them socially. The positives are that we are really established in very high earning professional careers, solidly upper middle-upper class, have a cleaning woman, a dog walker, a nanny for one child, daycare for the other (he likes/needs the socialization), we vacation multiple times a year in really nice places, they can go to whatever schools they want and I just don't really worry about finances almost at all. I also no longer have to kill myself working at work because I'm senior enough now that I have flexibility to work remotely, have enough juniors to rely on and so on. That lets me spend more time with my kids. I wouldn't have had that luxury 10 years ago for sure.

My advice to people is that you can't wait for the "perfect" moment because that doesn't exist. Having said that only you know your circumstances and if there are clear/obvious reasons to wait (massive debt, unstable relationship, health issues), then wait it out a bit.

[Alisamer]

13 minutes ago, Iamtheway said:

I remember when we walked out of the hospital with Miniway. It was so surreal. There was a overwhelming feeling of fraud. ”Are they really just going to let us walk out with this baby and be totally responsible for his wellbeing? Do they understand that we have no idea what we’re doing?” 

I think everybody feels that way. I know my grandmother said she felt just like that when she brought my mom (her oldest) home from the hospital. She was a preemie, a twin (her brother was stillborn, so they were going through that, too), like 2 pounds at birth and it was the 40s. No carseats, so grandma held her as my grandfather drove - and he's never been a good driver. Grandma said her arms hurt when she got home, from holding her so carefully and being so afraid.

I don't have kids, but I am learning that I don't think you ever really feel like an adult. I still feel like I'm faking it, and it's to the point now where sometimes I call mom or dad for advice, and sometimes they call ME for advice, which is strange! I've decided that while you have to get older, you never really have to "grow up" - I enjoy my dolls, Disney, and Transformer toys too much. I'll do the adult stuff, but try to keep some childlike wonder there, too. I don't ever want to get to the point that, say, looking out at the ocean or up at the stars isn't wondrous and amazing, or that I'm not excited to see the space station fly over or a shooting star, or a dolphin out past the waves.

[IReallyAmHopewell]

42 minutes ago, Iamtheway said:

I remember when we walked out of the hospital with Miniway. It was so surreal. There was a overwhelming feeling of fraud. ”Are they really just going to let us walk out with this baby and be totally responsible for his wellbeing? Do they understand that we have no idea what we’re doing?” 

My cousin said "They put the kid in your arms and expect you to keep her alive--just like that." 

[front hugs > duggs]

I'm not sure if I've shared this here before, but a couple days after my older brother was born (my father's first child), my mom had a serious blood clot and had to go back into the hospital for a couple of days. My dad tried to give my brother to my mom to take with her when she was admitted.

 

My dad didn't get that my brother was now HIS responsibility. Instead of owning up to it, he called my grandma!

[luv2laugh]

My panic comes from the fact that I’m working in finance right now but I plan on going back for a joint JD/MBA degree... Which will be a 4 year program.

I know of people that have kids in school and if I have to do it, I will have to toughen up and do it.  Heck, I know of a friend that had a baby in med school. I have to listen to inspirational stories of women who go back to school and still find a way to have a baby if they need to at that time.

It stinks that my narcissistic mom won’t be much help at all. She doesn’t even like kids very much.

I am so scared. I’m just so panicked and fearful about infertility and how not being happy in my career path and being all indecisive about it has caused me to not make the best decisions quickly because I have catching up to do professionally now. I am desperate to have at least two kids. 

I am going to keep having egg counts and tests done each year with my fertility endocrinologist but he tends to think I’m a hypochondriac about this. I don’t care though. I need peace of mind.

[Cheetah]

1 hour ago, Iamtheway said:

I remember when we walked out of the hospital with Miniway. It was so surreal. There was a overwhelming feeling of fraud. ”Are they really just going to let us walk out with this baby and be totally responsible for his wellbeing? Do they understand that we have no idea what we’re doing?” 

Yep.  Our oldest ended up with a low fever at 3 days old.  It was the 4th of July and her temp was right at the cusp of what the advice nurse had said to worry about (bring in to the hospital since it was after hours).  She was actually just under it but my mom was panicking (weird thing I've since heard is common - people who were pretty calm about medical stuff as parents turn into nervous wrecks as grandparents).  Anyway, here we are with our 3 day old baby in the children's hospital and someone asked, "are you XYZ's mom?"  Well, yes, I was, but that was the first time I'd ever been asked that question and it just seemed bizarre.  

[AliceInFundyland]

@luv2laugh Thank you for accepting our words without anger. You sound like you have a lot of pressures. I hope you have good support too.

You know, when you do have kids, the thing that will matter is the bond you have with them. So, work on being the best you you can be, until it’s time to get there. That’s how I’d look at it.

Ifyou love them and want them and are ready to take care of them. They won’t care whether you are the oldest or youngest mom. They just won’t

[CorruptionInc.]

7 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

I've heard people say they "caught pregnant" here in the Mid Atlantic region. 

Did the Stork drop a baby? ?

Also yesterday I just turned +1 and am so close to a significant age I don't want to think about. I don't feel like a "real adult" either. 

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

I think MOST people feel overwhelmed at the thought of having children.  You can plan for the perfect time to have a baby, but you have to remember that the perfect time may never come around and if you really want a kid and can make it work someway, even though it isn't an ideal time then you'll make it work. but if you aren't really ready and it isn't a good time then don't because making it work will be harder. If that makes sense.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you really want to have kids you just figure out way to do that, baring fertility problems, since not everyone can say, lets have a baby,  then get pregnant and have a baby.  I've been friends with a woman for about 20 years now and she's been saying since I've known her that her and her husband are waiting for this or that or the other thing to have a kid. But it has never been the right time. She's 45 & he's 50 now and she is still saying this, I don't know if they just didn't want kids and would never come out and say it or if she thinks she still has time to have one, if she wants.  I don't know her well enough to feel comfortable asking her outright, when the topic of kids comes up, if she just doesn't want them, it just seems strange that she always says that they are going to when x, y, z happens and have for 2 decades now.

I know some people can't comprehend why someone wouldn't want kids but a lot of other people don't care if you don't want them and don't have them. I always tell people to not worry about others disapproving of your life, because the people who matter don't mind how you live your life and the ones that do mind, don't matter.  Have kids in your 40's  and enjoy your youth, have kids young and enjoy your grand kids later. Tell people to fuck off that say anything about being too old/young to have a kid, it is your life live it your way.

 

As for feeling like an adult and being ready for kids. I'm 48 my kids are 21 & 18 I still don't feel like a total grown up.  My favorite life motto is Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.  

[melon]

I was 20 when I had my first child,a young mom.

I have to say that,sometimes I felt like I wasn't taken seriously,or worse,treated like I was completely ignorant,not that I am the source of all knowledge,I'm not.

I had family members who were unsupportive.My mother was controlling and opinionated.My MIL did not respect my wishes,and felt that I was see above,ignorant..even about something she never experienced,like breastfeeding.When nursing did not work out with my first son,she told me I did not have any milk and would never be able to nurse.She was wrong.But when I had my third son,she kept nagging me to give him a bottle,everyday.We would go over to visit.She'd say "Melon,did you bring his milk (bottle).? I honestly felt like saying something smart,but I just said no.Then she'd nag....repeat about 20 times how I needed to give him a bottle,everyday.I finally told her,as respectfully as I could,that if he had bottles regularly,he may quit nursing,and I wasn't taking that chance,whether she like it or not,he was MY baby.He'd be weaned to a cup,and he was.I hate to say it,and I will probably be downvoted,I think she was jealous because I had something I could do for him that she couldn't.She'd say how I should not hold him,he needed to cry to "exercise his lungs"...I just had to ignore it.

But,and I again,I don't know everything,but no one likes to be treated like they're stupid,and my own mother did the same,sometimes.

[Mama Mia]

I will say that one advantage, TO ME, of being a very young mom was that I had all the confidence of youth. I’d ask for advice, as needed, but mostly I just figured I could do it, and it would all work out. I read books, I didn’t get too discouraged if things weren’t perfect - and I didn’t have a feeling of loss/expectation  about possessions/ travel/ eating out/ alone time  - because I hadn’t had those things yet. 

Of course it helped that I was a “kid” person, who always knew I wanted children, I babysat, I was majoring in Early Childhood Education at my Community College, I worked for head start while pregnant,  and my family was supportive and helpful (well, my mom could be a bit too controlling- and I find that’s more common if your kid goes straight to Parenthood from BEING Parented, with no gap ) .

[SapphireSlytherin]

1 hour ago, Mama Mia said:

one advantage, TO ME, of being a very young mom was that I had all the confidence of youth.

Oh - SAME! SAME SAME SAME!

I never felt overwhelmed or scared or unsure. I just went with whatever the day brought, following the lead of the other moms in my (then) husband's Army unit. I actually modeled MY parenting on those who were NOT raising their first child! lol

As I mentioned before (not sure which thread), I trained GryffindorDisappointment to sleep, nap, and eat on a set schedule. It worked for us, very well. We basically grew up together, really. I was 23 when she was born.

However, I was never really a "baby" person or a "kid" person, and until we decided (spur of the moment) to have a baby, I was still on the "no kids" bandwagon. lol  

I hated every.single.minute of being pregnant. I had hyperemesis gravidarum and was in/out of the hospital a LOT due to dehydration. GryffDis was an - um... "active" baby, so I got very little sleep as she was constantly kicking, turning, moving, jabbing... My abdomen was often literally bruised from her activities.

 

[Rachel333]

7 hours ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

from whom?  who are these people so concerned with other people's  family planning that this is a major issue.  

I mean, people judge women for everything so it shouldn't be a surprise that they judge women for the age at which they have children. This isn't something that really affects me so I don't pay attention as much as someone worried about being an older parent, but I've still seen so much judgement towards older mothers and women who wait until after their 20s to have children. I've seen it from other women, but it's also a popular topic among misogynist "red pill" type men. It comes up pretty often on /r/badwomensanatomy. I've also seen it a lot particularly among religious people who frame it as women being selfish for waiting to have children.

[QuiverFullofBooks]

Moving from age to something even more touchy, I wish I had been told more and sooner that being overweight makes it much harder to get pregnant. I would have tried sooner or (theoretically) worked harder on my weight. Or at least realized that when my fertility clinic said, “Some clinics won’t take patients at your BMI, but we will!” they meant “You’re about to waste a pile of money on an emotionally and physically miserable experience! Also, you’ll get even fatter!”

[Mama Mia]

23 hours ago, neurogirl said:

This thread is so stressful! I'm 25 and newly married and people are already teasing us about kids. We live in a one-bedroom apartment in California, I'm in grad school, all our disposable income goes towards seeing our families who live across the country (and far away from each other), and we don't always get the laundry done in time. I don't even feel like a full adult yet. Even if my body may be the most prepared to conceive and bear a child, the essence of me sure isn't. I want to go abroad with my husband, have savings, feel like I have my sh*t together for at least a hot sec before adding a baby. If we had an unplanned pregnancy, we may keep it at this point, but realistically we won't try to start a family for 4-5 years, and even then I'll be in the middle of a postdoc and hopefully teaching my first classes and there's never going to be an easy time. I am an only who hated it and my husband is one of 4 who loved it, so we would love 2-4 kids, but definitely at least 2. I can't have 4 kids between 30-35, and hearing that 35 year olds are "elderly primigravida" and knowing that my mom had me at 27 is just...ahhh. 

Can some of you share your life all worked out stories too?

Just to clarify, and to maybe ease your stress a little - 35 being an “elderly primigravida” means it’s older for a 1st time delivery. That’s what the “primi” in there means.  

[feministxtian]

@Alisamer I still need adult supervision...unfortunately the only adult who goes out with me is just as much in need of supervision as I am. I mean, I'm supposed to know shit, have it all together, be the "mature voice of reason" but the truth is, I'm still an irrational 2 year old who just wants her blankie and her cookies and milk. WIth my kids, when I took them home from the hospital all I could think was "do you REALLY think I can keep this thing alive? I kill houseplants". Me? Responsibility? Are you kidding? You're going to let me like live alone and make decisions? That is SO not a good idea! Have you met me? 

So...I'm forever trying to make sure I get this adult thing right. I will say I've gotten better at it, but...I'm still thinking I'd do much better with someone else to tell me what to do. 

[Firebird]

I want kids, but I have a hard enough time being a parent to my puppy/replacement child and I know it's partially my fault he acts all bratty at times because I treat him like a human and not a dog. It's nice hearing that other people are super insecure about being parents too.

[AtlanticTug]

6 hours ago, luv2laugh said:

My panic comes from the fact that I’m working in finance right now but I plan on going back for a joint JD/MBA degree... Which will be a 4 year program.

Why do you want to do this? What benefit do you see in it? Do you want to be a practicing lawyer or continue in finance?

Just asking as a corporate finance lawyer of many years, I never understood the utility of this joint degree.

[SapphireSlytherin]

38 minutes ago, AtlanticTug said:

Why do you want to do this? What benefit do you see in it? Do you want to be a practicing lawyer or continue in finance?

Just asking as a corporate finance lawyer of many years, I never understood the utility of this joint degree.

Agreed. But my biggest concern is the ROI on the double degree program.