Duggars by the Dozen 35: Five Months with no Pregnant Duggars. How much longer will it last?

[Flossie]

4 hours ago, lumpentheologie said:

Basically, I have several friends who either regretted becoming parents or experienced the early years as a traumatic event in their lives and I'm not sure I want to put myself (and an innocent child!) through that.  Did anyone else worry about stuff like that? 

Well, you're 35, just got married, and think that maybe in two years you might consider yourself financially ready to consider having a child.  But you're not a kid person, don't want a kid to come between you and your husband, and are sure you'd be miserable with a small child.

You don't think that any family members will be having kids at the same time so your possible future kid won't have family members of their own age to grow up with, you're not anticipating having friends that would have kids that could step in, and I guess you're not wild about the idea of your possible future child making friends at school that you might have to deal with.

You think that older kids might be interesting because you could talk to them and educate them, but you hated being a teen and aren't sure you'd like to have a teen.  But when they're fully grown and out on their own you might like them more.

Family is important to you, if they keep their distance.

You're asking people on an internet forum what they think?  Fine.  I think you don't want kids, at least right now and it's a good possibility you won't ever want kids.  So don't have a kid.  Adoption doesn't sound like a good idea for you because you can't dip and and out of your kids life depending on when they're in a stage that you want to deal with.

But if you still like the idea of forming a relationship with a child in the age group that intrigues you, consider becoming a Big Sister to a child in your school district.  I know of a girl who had a Big Sister for a few years when she was about 10-14, and she has very good memories of the experience.  She knew when she would see her Big Sister and they did a lot of things together, anything from visiting the local museum, to hiking, to making cookies, and lots of times when they just hung out and talked.  I was actually more insulted when the arrangement ended than the girl was, as the girl was told from the beginning that her Big Sister was going to retire from the program at a certain date and the girl had a couple of years to prepare for it.

Did I miss it, or did you say if your husband wants to have kids?  Because that could be a problem if he's hoping you'll go for it and you're not really on board with it.

[singsingsing]

17 minutes ago, TheYoungCurmudgeon said:

I've always wanted kids as well. I'm not sure if I could explain it, but I'm not sure what the point of my life will be if I never have kids?

Right now, I am really stressed about it. I'm only 24, but I have a genetic disorder that could make it difficult for me to concieve (also, since I have a genetic disorder, should I even try to have biological children? I'd only pass on the gene, not the disease, but is it selfish of me to want biological children at the expense of future generations inheriting my disease?).

Also, I'm 24 and have never had a boyfriend, or even been kissed. It feels weird at this point, like it's too late for me and maybe I'm never meant to find someone and have children? But maybe it's okay, because my mom had 4 kids (me and my brothers) all after she was 35, and my grandma had 4 kids after she was 30, so maybe I have good genes? 

But I also want to have my kids young because I want them to know their grandparents (since all my grandparents were gone by the time I was 15, I feel like I missed out on those relationships) and my parents are already in their sixties.

I'm also stressed out about even stressing about this stuff because I also still live with my parents and am working a dead-end job because I can't get hired in my field even though I got a degree and I just really am always feeling like I'm two steps behind where I'm supposed to be, and I don't know what to do about any of it.

You are very young. But I'm not going to invalidate your fears. I'm not going to tell you that you're silly to be afraid or to feel the way you do. You feel that way for a reason.

I will tell you a couple of things, though. First, none of us know what the future has in store. Everyone has faulty genes that they pass on to their kids. Whether you feel comfortable passing on your particular 'faulty' genes to future generations is ultimately entirely up to you. With the way genetic testing and medical science is progressing, it's entirely possible that by the time your kids are having kids it won't even be an issue. People who seem to be in perfect health sometimes find it impossible to get pregnant. Sometimes young grandparents pass away unexpectedly. Sometimes older grandparents live a long, long time. I'm 30 and all four of my grandparents are still alive and in pretty good health. My one grandpa just turned 90 and he just got his driver's licence renewed.

You're definitely not too old. I know a lot of people who were your age or older before they dated or kissed anyone. And I'm not just saying that to make you feel better - I mean I have multiple fairly close friends who experienced the same thing. One friend in particular was was 30 and had never dated anyone or kissed anyone until she met the man she's now married to.

Do you like reading? If so, I really highly recommend the book Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Meaning is so important in our lives, and often we create it for ourselves. What gives your life meaning already? Being a good family member, a good person? Do you have a hobby you love, or an interest that brings you joy? The point of life is to live it in a way that makes us feel like it has a point. I know that seems circular, but that's really it. And there are so, so many things that can provide that meaning. Having kids fulfills that role for a lot of people, but it's far from the only thing that makes life meaningful!

[lumpentheologie]

1 hour ago, Flossie said:

Did I miss it, or did you say if your husband wants to have kids?  Because that could be a problem if he's hoping you'll go for it and you're not really on board with it.

I didn't, and you're right, that's also relevant. He never wanted children and is now considering it because I brought it up. (Although he also never wanted to get married until I convinced him we should, and now he's pretty happy we did that.)  He seems to be leaning more towards 'no', or at least 'I'm not ready to think about it'--I'm leaning towards 'maybe one in 3-4 years'.  If it's too late by then, I would accept that--I'd much rather not have children than have them when I'm not sure I want them. 

It's not that I don't ever want to be around kids--I like it when my friends' children come to visit and I'll hold babies and play with toddlers for hours at a time.  But I'm happy when they go home after that. It's not that I don't like those ages, I'm just scared of a how much a child that age would need me. 

I would love to be a Big Sister and I've thought about it, but at this point in my life I'm far too mobile. If I'm ever in the same city year round for years at a time that would be a great option, though. 

I guess what I'm wondering about is how you can be sure you want something if you've never experienced it.  And I was just curious if anyone else felt the same way.  Perhaps biological urge explains it--I for sure knew I wanted to have sex before I did it.    

[AliceInFundyland]

As I wandered down my own path I didn’t think I’d wind up with no kids in my life. Period. I was able to give some of my childhood possessions to my cousin’s little girl at the right age. That was so great. I also sort of thought my brother was going to have one.  

The idea that you can impact a child is not something to give up on. My mom does this paid gig that sounds a lot like volunteering - basically she reads with second and third graders. She enjoys returning them to their teachers   but loves chatting with them. My paternal grandfather volunteered reading to kids.  

When I think about the parts of parenting that are appealing...Those are still attainable. For me that’s a comfort. 

[NakedKnees]

As one of the "late twenties, not very anxious about the procreation question but nonetheless undecided" crowd, there is one thing that preoccupies me a lot: I keep telling myself that if I don't have kids, then I have to be extraordinary in some other way. Perhaps that's career, or impact, or adventurous experiences, or anything like that. It's like I have this mindset that I'll need to "make up for it" if I don't have kids. I'm worried that I'm cruisin' for a bruisin' mental-health-wise on that level, and wish I could just get over it, relax, and enjoy life.

That Man's Search for Meaning does sound really good- I'll definitely look into it. Thanks for the recommendation, @singsingsing

[Wifey4Lifey]

2 hours ago, TheYoungCurmudgeon said:

I've always wanted kids as well. I'm not sure if I could explain it, but I'm not sure what the point of my life will be if I never have kids?

Right now, I am really stressed about it. I'm only 24, but I have a genetic disorder that could make it difficult for me to concieve (also, since I have a genetic disorder, should I even try to have biological children? I'd only pass on the gene, not the disease, but is it selfish of me to want biological children at the expense of future generations inheriting my disease?).

Also, I'm 24 and have never had a boyfriend, or even been kissed. It feels weird at this point, like it's too late for me and maybe I'm never meant to find someone and have children? But maybe it's okay, because my mom had 4 kids (me and my brothers) all after she was 35, and my grandma had 4 kids after she was 30, so maybe I have good genes? 

But I also want to have my kids young because I want them to know their grandparents (since all my grandparents were gone by the time I was 15, I feel like I missed out on those relationships) and my parents are already in their sixties.

I'm also stressed out about even stressing about this stuff because I also still live with my parents and am working a dead-end job because I can't get hired in my field even though I got a degree and I just really am always feeling like I'm two steps behind where I'm supposed to be, and I don't know what to do about any of it.

I had my first kiss and first boyfriend at 25. I was unemployed for 18 months after graduating college. I know how scary it is to not hit those milestones around the same age as your friends and to feel like these things are never going to happen for you, but hang in there. You are not alone and you will get through this!

[xenobia]

Not really sure where I should post this, but I think this is the right thread. The lost Duggar boys can sing! They really can, trust me! I'm totally surprised! (edit: there's also a version on their official fb-page, with the whole song). 

 

[SapphireSlytherin]

Who are they? I think Jeremiah is the one in the middle?

[xenobia]

6 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

Who are they? I think Jeremiah is the one in the middle?

My guess, from left to right: James, Jeremiah, Jedediah, Jason, Justin. 

[SapphireSlytherin]

They have a Justin? I swear, I don't remember that name. lol

[QuiverFullofBooks]

10 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

They have a Justin? I swear, I don't remember that name. lol

Justin is weirdly unmemorable. He looks the least like a Duggar of any of the kids.

[singsingsing]

They're actually pretty good!

And from left to right it's James, Jeremiah, Jedidiah, Jason, and Justin.

[SassyPants]

12 minutes ago, SapphireSlytherin said:

They have a Justin? I swear, I don't remember that name. lol

I always forget Jason.

[HerNameIsBuffy]

They went in phases with boys names it seems to me.

Josh, John, Joseph very traditional and mainstream.

Josiah, Jedidiah, Jeremiah super old school biblical

James, Jason, Justin, Jackson back to mainstream although Jackson is somwhat trendy. 

[rainbowbabycakes]

The one in the red is the only one who looks Duggar-ish to me, lol

[SapphireSlytherin]

The one on the right looks like a male version of Joy.

[Berty K]

8 minutes ago, HerNameIsBuffy said:

James, Jason, Justin, Jackson back to mainstream although Jackson is somwhat trendy. 

Agree but would probably put James with the “old school biblical”

[HerNameIsBuffy]

3 minutes ago, Berty K said:

Agree but would probably put James with the “old school biblical”

True.  But so are the first three - just also mainstream and doesn’t scream fundy.

[FaithAndReason]

Jason looks a lot like Josiah

 

[HerNameIsBuffy]

The one in the red shirt looks like a youn Brian  Setzer.

[VeryNikeSeamstress]

The next Duggar cash cow will be a Christian boy band of former Howler Monkeys.

[SweetJuly]

3 hours ago, VeryNikeSeamstress said:

The next Duggar cash cow will be a Christian boy band of former Howler Monkeys.

Reading your sentence very quickly I thought you were suggesting they call themselves Howler Monkeys.

I do think it would be a good band name

[SapphireSlytherin]

Howler Monkey Harmonizers! Lol

[SassyPants]

I actually think the singing is a good thing. At least they are stepping out and attempting to do something with their time and honing some skills in the process. I know some of the Duggars do have some useful skills in the handyman/crafts areas, and I think it would be beneficial for the Duggars to show those individuals working in or towards gainful employment in those areas. I find it very irresponsible and dishonest for the Duggars to claim that their lifestyle of no jobs, no birth control, and double digit numbers of children is doable for average citizens. It is just wrong and unrealistic.

I am all for these people working for a living and contributing to and interacting with society at large. It is the only way these ridiculous beliefs will be curbed in the next generation.

[FundieCentral]

I posted in the TTC thread a few months ago and got all sorts of lovely and heart-felt advice regarding the “when to have kids” question, just in case anyone wants to head over. A synopsis: 

I’m still in an awkward position the opposite way. I’m 21, happily married, in a full-time job, so is my partner, and our current employers are both as family friendly as they get. We’ve travelled, we’ve finished our degrees, and in a couple of years once we’ve increased our income and moved into a 2-bedroom rental, there’s literally no reason for us not to have a child. But I’m very afraid because 23/24 is young, and everyone says we need to do all these things before we’re ready. Travel et cetera. But when has one travelled enough to be ready? I’ve been to some 25 countries, lived in 5, should I go to more in pursuit of some abstract standard of readiness or is that enough? If we find a good reason to delay having kids (e.g. a graduate degree or an impending promotion), we would for sure. But beyond that we both love children and we married believing we’d have 3 or 4, and I kind of can’t wait to get on that plan  Except there’s no one in this urban hipster community that thinks the same way, and I’m being told from everywhere that children are a waste of money, I should focus on my career, and I’ll end up divorced either way because young marriages don’t last and young parents suck. Sometimes I have escapist fantasies of moving to Utah, where I’m slightly less of a sore thumb. Moral of the story: people are just judgmental creatures. No matter what you do, someone will advise you that you should have done the opposite because their cousin Cheryl twice removed did the same thing and it went horribly for her.