Duggars by the Dozen 35: Five Months with no Pregnant Duggars. How much longer will it last?

[rainbowbabycakes]

My Grammy was in her late 40s when my dad was born in 1959, 48 if I'm doing my math right. He was the youngest of 5, with a pretty average spacing (about 10 years from oldest to youngest), but my Grammy was married later in life.

My mom's parent's on the other hand had two back to back (my mom was born the day before her brother's first birthday in 1961), and very young (17 and 18), and that was it. Her parents divorced, and were both remarried multiple times (two more times each I think, maybe, three), with no more kids for either of them. My uncle had a baby at 15, so that made my Grandma a grandma at 32 ish.

 

edited to add: I'm 36, with an 11 year old. He was born just before I turned 25, and I felt old, because so many of my friends and peers had babies very young (and I realize that 25 is still young, lol, but I was an Army wife, and there are a lot of very young families in the military). A friend of mine had his first at 16. His mom had him at 15, so she was a grandma by 31.  A couple of years ago, his second child had a baby when she was 14, so he was a grandpa at 30, and his mom a great grandma at 51ish.

I can't even imagine having a high schooler at this point, much less being a grandma!!!!

[neurogirl]

@luv2laugh I'm in a science PhD program so it's a little different type of grad school, but I know several people who have had kids while in grad school, including a friend who is fostering a toddler and infant twins (!!!!!!), and it actually seems to go ok. According to a book I read, Professor Mommy, if you are at a place where you are physically/financially/emotionally ready, grad school can be a very doable "season of life" to start a family. 

Like many on FJ, I started following the families with a little twinge of wistfulness. I know better now, but as an only child with overbearing parents, I've always idealized a large family. My husband as I said is the youngest of 4, doted on by siblings who get along, and while I certainly didn't choose my husband because of his family, every time his siblings call me "sister" or want to talk to/hang out with me apart from my husband, I'm like a little dog soaking up affection. I think life will dissuade me from my dream of 4, but I've wanted 4 kids since seeing Chronicles of Narnia, and with my husband being on board if life goes "according to plan", it's hard not to dream about. 

Unrelated, but I'm one of those people who ideally would have two kids close together (and then if we want to expand have another "set" 3-5 years later. My great-aunts on my mom's side each had a set of twins so maybe the genes are lurking? I've also read that it is more likely for a woman to have twins the first cycle after stopping the birth control pill. When that time comes for me I'll keep my fingers crossed! https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1052849/ 

 

 

[Rachel333]

2 minutes ago, neurogirl said:

I've wanted 4 kids since seeing Chronicles of Narnia,

I insisted for years when I was little that I would have four children named Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Lucy.  I adored those books.

[InTheNameofRufus]

I married at 26, thought it would be no problem to get pregnant after a year of just the two of us. Watched friends and cousins get pregnant and have babies for the next 2 1/2 years, nothing for me. Tried infertility treatments and IVF for a year (amazing OBGYN) until insurance decided to stop paying for it. Looked at hubby, said “oh well, if it happens it happens. If not, maybe we can look into adoption.” Got pregnant the next month, no idea how. ?

First son born when I was 29.  Little mini me of my husband. Got pregnant again around his first birthday, totally unplanned. Second son born two weeks before my 31st birthday. 

Was I ready financially? Nope. Emotionally? Probably not. 

First son has Muscular Dystrophy. I learn every day to have patience, and faith that he will grow into a strong (emotionally and spiritually) man. Financial challenges come our way daily with every new need he has. Am I proud to be his mom? Every. Damn. Day. 

TL;DR. You do you. Don’t stress. I never thought my life would turn out the way it has, but I wouldn’t trade a day of it. 

[Cheetah]

35 minutes ago, neurogirl said:

@luv2laugh I'm in a science PhD program so it's a little different type of grad school, but I know several people who have had kids while in grad school, including a friend who is fostering a toddler and infant twins (!!!!!!), and it actually seems to go ok. According to a book I read, Professor Mommy, if you are at a place where you are physically/financially/emotionally ready, grad school can be a very doable "season of life" to start a family. 

Like many on FJ, I started following the families with a little twinge of wistfulness. I know better now, but as an only child with overbearing parents, I've always idealized a large family. My husband as I said is the youngest of 4, doted on by siblings who get along, and while I certainly didn't choose my husband because of his family, every time his siblings call me "sister" or want to talk to/hang out with me apart from my husband, I'm like a little dog soaking up affection. I think life will dissuade me from my dream of 4, but I've wanted 4 kids since seeing Chronicles of Narnia, and with my husband being on board if life goes "according to plan", it's hard not to dream about. 

Unrelated, but I'm one of those people who ideally would have two kids close together (and then if we want to expand have another "set" 3-5 years later. My great-aunts on my mom's side each had a set of twins so maybe the genes are lurking? I've also read that it is more likely for a woman to have twins the first cycle after stopping the birth control pill. When that time comes for me I'll keep my fingers crossed! https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1052849/ 

 

 

I had my first when I was doing my phd.  Getting pregnant actually helped speed up the process (I had a hard deadline of when I had to be done in the lab, although then I spent the next year after she was born writing the thesis which was painful.)  By the time I had kid #2 and 3 I was a SAHM which was much more pleasant (I was going to say easier but that's not really what I mean as being a SAHM was a lot of work, but it was also a lot more rewarding than being in grad school). 

[Meggo]

17 hours ago, Iamtheway said:

I remember when we walked out of the hospital with Miniway. It was so surreal. There was a overwhelming feeling of fraud. ”Are they really just going to let us walk out with this baby and be totally responsible for his wellbeing? Do they understand that we have no idea what we’re doing?” 

YES!! I remember that too. We put him in the car seat - under the hawk like eyes of the social worker. And then we closed the doors and just... drove away. I kept looking back. Like - they're going to be like "Ooops - sorry - made a mistake!" 

And for the longest time after - I'd be like "Hey - there is a BABY in our HOUSE." 
One time my son and I were in the car and he sneezed from the backseat and scared the crap out of me because I'd forgotten he was there. 
Most people have about 9 months or so to get used to the idea that a baby is going to live with them. We had about 6 weeks TOPS and during that time - we were also going to work. (and we'd been hoping for something like 3 years) So we'd go to work, go to the hospital till 10, go home, sleep & do it again the next day. And for the first bit of it - no one at work even knew. 
So weird.

Point is - I don't think you're ever ready. Babies upend everything. Even now, we have been through the baby stage and if you were to throw another baby in the mix - we'd be completely overwhelmed. We know HOW to parent babies - but it would really change our routine in a HUGE way. (But we aren't having baby #2 - Hubs thinks we won the baby lottery and we should quit while we're ahead. And that we're "too old" for another baby)

[AliceInFundyland]

Any time one of the kids can say something about parenting or relationships being different than they thought it would be, on camera... I give them a teeny bit of credit.

Because of what @Meggo said, they’ve been trained for this gig. And having it be hard is different. Even acknowledging that takes some brain work. 

Watching Leah Remini’s Scientology show is so fascinating. She is an incredible woman. I recommend it. It is so hard to leave group think. So 

[luv2laugh]

@AliceInFundyland I just chimed in only to say I am addicted to that show and binge watched past seasons a few days ago.

11 hours ago, AtlanticTug said:

Why do you want to do this? What benefit do you see in it? Do you want to be a practicing lawyer or continue in finance?

Just asking as a corporate finance lawyer of many years, I never understood the utility of this joint degree.

I know of a few colleagues that have gone this route of the joint JD/MBA and have had great success. They don't regret it and have encouraged it, given my indecisiveness. Many work in finance, still. It will definitely be either an MBA or a JD but at times, I get very indecisive about which path to take. Of course, I'm going to have to take the costs into consideration as well but it will be one or the other (most likely).

 

@neurogirl Thanks for sharing. I find it very encouraging how motherhood is celebrated and treated no differently than any other student in grad school. It is so sad how women have to worry about discrimination when they become mothers. We, as women may carry the children but the responsibilities between the men should be equal.

[lumpentheologie]

To those of you who have kids (or are attempting to have them), what made you decide you wanted to?  

I'm 35, just got married, at last week was the first time my gynecologist brought up that I should start thinking about whether it's important to me to have kids. We aren't in the financial situation we'd have to be in right now, but that could change in the next two years or so when we're done with grad school.  But more importantly I've never really had the desire to have kids. 

I'm not really a kid person. I love the relationship I have with my husband and worry that a child would take a lot away from that. I'm also pretty introverted and easily overwhelmed by constantly being around people, and by noise and not getting enough sleep. I'm pretty sure I would be miserable with a small child.

But I think it would like it as they got older and more self-sufficient, once I could really talk to them. I'd really like educating them and I'm curious to see what they would be like.  I also have a really good relationship with my parents (now that I'm an adult--it was hell when I was a teenager), and I would like to have that kind of relationship with an adult child someday.  Family is also pretty important to me (although ideally from some distance), and it looks like my brother and my husband's sister won't have kids, so I won't have much of a younger generation to look forward to if I don't make my own. 

Basically, I have several friends who either regretted becoming parents or experienced the early years as a traumatic event in their lives and I'm not sure I want to put myself (and an innocent child!) through that.  Did anyone else worry about stuff like that? 

[keen23]

31 minutes ago, lumpentheologie said:

To those of you who have kids (or are attempting to have them), what made you decide you wanted to?  

 

I can't put it into words correctly, but it was a biological need for me. I got married at 22, had babies at 24, 26 and 29 and now I'm 40 with a house full of teen girls. My husband would have been happy with any amount of children, from 1 to 6. We talked about having 4, but my pregnancy with #3 was terrible and I was told not to have any more kids. Pairs are easier, I'd like to think- there's a lot of odd man out and 2:1 politics in my house right now.

We were dirt poor for a good decade, but things are better now. If we had waited a few years, we would have been in a better place financially, but probably not physically. Babies are a lot of work (and I'm someone who needs sleep, so years of exhaustion were probably easier to deal with in my 20's vs my 30's) Many of my friends didn't even start having children until they were in their 30's, and they are much more financially prepared for it. We just kind of winged it. Made do with what we had, cobbled together a schedule that worked for us, and managed to get through it.

[SapphireSlytherin]

I regretted being a parent on more than one occasion, especially when my daughter was a teenager. I literally hated her (the feeling was mutual, trust me). Living through those years was sheer hell. Hell on steroids. It truly sucked, and I hated every.fucking.minute that I had to be in the same room/house/city/country/planet with her.

She moved out when she was 19, and tried to move back when she was 23 - I put my foot down and told her no fucking way. She told me later she's SO glad I did that because it made her self-sufficient (sink or swim). 

I like her now, but we just spent three days in NYC last week, and after day 2 we were both snapping at each other.

Parent/child relationships can be difficult. If you have ANY DOUBTS about having a child, don't. It's not a job you can just quit because you don't like doing it anymore. And it doesn't stop when the kid is 18 (and legally an adult), either.

 

[singsingsing]

I think if you've never wanted to have kids and you don't really want them now, you probably shouldn't have them. I made the decision a while back that I probably shouldn't have kids (for a whole variety of reasons). I actually love kids and there are plenty of things I know I'd love about being a parent, but the cons outweigh the pros. As I get older, and also happier, and start to get my life and myself together more, I find myself getting a bit more wistful about it and thinking, "Maybe I could..." But I've always thought that I would rather regret not having kids than regret having them.

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

If you have any doubts about having or not having kids don't do it. I knew I wanted kids and love being a mom it is one of the few things in life that have come easy and naturally to me.  But not everyone feels the same way, and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. I wish people wouldn't make a big deal over what other people do or don't do with their lives. I figure it is better to have some regrets about not having them then to have and regret it. 

[Alisamer]

There was a time in my late twenties where I very seriously was looking at either adopting or using donor sperm to have a baby as a single mom. Like was just a month or two away from being able to start, with money in the bank saved up. I was really, really wanting a baby - the only thing not in place was my housing situation. Then I lost my job. Got a new one, and bought a house! Then China closed to single adoptions. Then I developed depression, which took years to get treated. Then a ton of other things happened, all piled on top of one another. In the end, I never had a child either way.

And now, I am in a pretty good place (though in some debt), and I am so glad I did not have a baby. I'd have gotten by, and I'd have loved being a mom, but now at 44 I am super glad I only have to take care of me! I tell people I really wanted a baby once, but I grew out of it. I think I'd have been a great mom, but I struggled enough on my own, I'm glad I didn't have a baby that had to live through that stressful time. And now, it's pretty much out of the question, and I'm OK with that. I don't even have a pet at the moment, and I'm OK with that too. I don't want to get a cat unless I can afford good, regular vet care, and I'm not there right now. I couldn't afford a child at all, now! I can't imagine if I had a teenager. OMG.

I think if you are sure you want a child, and feel you are ready enough (no one's ever really ready, I think), go for it. If you don't want one, don't. If you're not sure, maybe set a date a few months in the future to look at it again, and don't worry about it at all until then. You can never tell which way life is going to turn.

[Cheetah]

I never didn't want kids, if that makes sense... I always just figured I'd have a couple at some point but didn't spend my teen years just pining to get married and start a family.  But I really started having baby cravings in my early 20s.  I started following parenting and baby listservs (back in the text-only days in the mid 90s).  Both dh and I had older parents (both of his parents were older than average and my dad is 9 years older than my mom and older than most of my friends' dads, although now in retrospect he wasn't actually that old as a first-time parent at 34) so we both wanted to start a family sooner than later, although he wanted me to finish grad school first.  I kind of hated grad school by that point so we negotiated for a while and ended up agreeing to start trying once I passed my oral exams.  

Anyway, if you had asked me up until about age 24 I would have said having a career was a higher priority than having children, although I was hoping that both would happen, and around that age it flipped.  

[NotQuiteMotY]

2 hours ago, lumpentheologie said:

To those of you who have kids (or are attempting to have them), what made you decide you wanted to?  

I'm 35, just got married, at last week was the first time my gynecologist brought up that I should start thinking about whether it's important to me to have kids. We aren't in the financial situation we'd have to be in right now, but that could change in the next two years or so when we're done with grad school.  But more importantly I've never really had the desire to have kids. 

I'm not really a kid person. I love the relationship I have with my husband and worry that a child would take a lot away from that. I'm also pretty introverted and easily overwhelmed by constantly being around people, and by noise and not getting enough sleep. I'm pretty sure I would be miserable with a small child.

But I think it would like it as they got older and more self-sufficient, once I could really talk to them. I'd really like educating them and I'm curious to see what they would be like.  I also have a really good relationship with my parents (now that I'm an adult--it was hell when I was a teenager), and I would like to have that kind of relationship with an adult child someday.  Family is also pretty important to me (although ideally from some distance), and it looks like my brother and my husband's sister won't have kids, so I won't have much of a younger generation to look forward to if I don't make my own. 

Basically, I have several friends who either regretted becoming parents or experienced the early years as a traumatic event in their lives and I'm not sure I want to put myself (and an innocent child!) through that.  Did anyone else worry about stuff like that? 

For me, it was that I always wanted kids, at least two. For a while there I was thinking four, but yeah, probably not! I had baby dolls, thought about kids' names, the whole nine yards. Husband wanted at least one. We got married in our late twenties, bought a house a year later, then started trying a year after that.

The first few months or years are HARD. I'm similar to your description; I can only handle so much of other people and noise, and I need sleep or I turn into an ogre. The first six months around here weren't pretty. But he's gotten to be an interesting little guy, especially as he's gotten better at communicating, and he's at the point where while there are still some difficult days we generally rub along pretty well together.

Of course I worried about how we'd handle it and how it would affect our relationship. I think if you really want kids then you have to accept that risk and just work to make sure your relationship and ability to communicate with each other is as strong as you can get it. Think of it like going to grad school or getting married: While it's not a great comparison, you still had to go through pros and cons, and the risks versus the potential rewards, and decide whether it matters enough to you.

1 hour ago, keen23 said:

Pairs are easier, I'd like to think- there's a lot of odd man out and 2:1 politics in my house right now.

Actually, I think odd numbers helped with my relationship with my brothers. With three of us, there were always shifting numbers/alliances/plots and the occasional unified front.

[CaricatureQualities]

I think I knew I didn't want to have kids since I was 5. Sometime in my mid 20's I realized how big a deal it was to 2 of my best friends (same age) and that they were both really planning for this etc...and it made me realize just how much I really didn't care...like it was a surprise to me to realize how much they were into it contrasted with how much I wasn't. I mean it made since to me that they wanted kids it's just I had never thought about it that much and I suppose that solidified for me the idea that if you want kids you will know it and if you don't want kids, you will know it. 

[TeaELSee]

I would LOVE to be a Grandma. My daughter in law is uncertain if she wants kids, My recommendation was do not have children unless YOU want them.  I really wanted so say, oh you’ll love it go ahead!  I shut down my selfish side.

 

[AtlanticTug]

I was never into kids and truthfully while I absolutely love my own and probably would be described as surprisingly motherly by my friends, I don't care about other people's kids still. I mean, they can be cute and whatever but I feel no real biological need to spend a ton of time even with my nieces and nephews. So it's totally possible to be crazy in love with your own and still not be a "kid person" if you know what I mean.

For me it was just a feeling that our family would be complete if we added at least one miniature person. As we got older we became homebodies, we moved out of our brownstone and into a large house not quite in the burbs but not far off. Our lifestyle was changing and it felt like a child could fit into it well at that point. Enter many IVFs. I was just head over heels with my son and wanted a sibling for him. We almost gave up when we had 4 miscarriages and needed 3 IVFs between them, we literally had our daughter on our last ever try. I guess that's life. I also knew with 100% certainty that I didn't want any more than two. I'm usually a very indecisive Libra so I was pleasantly surprised by this certainty!

[SilverBeach]

4 hours ago, AliceInFundyland said:

Watching Leah Remini’s Scientology show is so fascinating. She is an incredible woman. I recommend it. It is so hard to leave group think.

We have a thread on this! Come join us.

[Sullie06]

It’s just interesting how genetics and family size are.

My paternal Grandmother (born 1930) was the second youngest of 9 born to Italian Immigrants. My Grandfather (born 1927) was the middle of 7. They were married in 1953. They chose to only have 2 kids, both were boys, in Spring of 55 and Spring of 57.

My Maternal Grandmother (born 1919) was the youngest of 3 girls. My Maternal Grandfather (Born 1909) was one of two kids. My grandfather had two kids from a previous marriage born in 1943 and 1945. His first wife died of uterine cancer at 27. He married my Grandmother in 1948 and they had 3 kids in 1953, 1955, 1957. My grandma had all her kids in her 30s. My gramps was 48 when my Mom was born.

my parents had 4 kids but my older sister passed shortly after birth. We are 35,33 and 27 now. My sister and I both have two kids, my bother none. All of my aunts and uncles had small family sizes as well. I only have 7 cousins out of 5 sets of aunts and uncles 

[Melissa1977]

3 hours ago, lumpentheologie said:

To those of you who have kids (or are attempting to have them), what made you decide you wanted to?  

I always wanted to be a mother. It was irrational. Infertility was my worst nightmare. My body was calling for a pregnancy since I was 18.

I got financial security around 26-27 years old and I went for it. I had a partner (but I was also open to be a single mom if a didn't find a partner). It was my best decision ever. I felt in love with my baby, I was in a dream. 9 years and a divorce after, a new baby came, I call him the cherry on the cake haha.

Let me tell you something. I'm not a kid person, I would never be a babysitter or a teacher. I love my 2 kids and give them lots of quality time, but I don't want a big family. And I don't like other people children very much.

I know some women who didn't want kids and whose pregnancies were a surprise, and who became great mothers. And also the opposite, people dreaming of babies and then not enjoying motherhood. 

[TheYoungCurmudgeon]

I've always wanted kids as well. I'm not sure if I could explain it, but I'm not sure what the point of my life will be if I never have kids?

Right now, I am really stressed about it. I'm only 24, but I have a genetic disorder that could make it difficult for me to concieve (also, since I have a genetic disorder, should I even try to have biological children? I'd only pass on the gene, not the disease, but is it selfish of me to want biological children at the expense of future generations inheriting my disease?).

Also, I'm 24 and have never had a boyfriend, or even been kissed. It feels weird at this point, like it's too late for me and maybe I'm never meant to find someone and have children? But maybe it's okay, because my mom had 4 kids (me and my brothers) all after she was 35, and my grandma had 4 kids after she was 30, so maybe I have good genes? 

But I also want to have my kids young because I want them to know their grandparents (since all my grandparents were gone by the time I was 15, I feel like I missed out on those relationships) and my parents are already in their sixties.

I'm also stressed out about even stressing about this stuff because I also still live with my parents and am working a dead-end job because I can't get hired in my field even though I got a degree and I just really am always feeling like I'm two steps behind where I'm supposed to be, and I don't know what to do about any of it.

[VelociRapture]

4 hours ago, lumpentheologie said:

To those of you who have kids (or are attempting to have them), what made you decide you wanted to?  

I'm 35, just got married, at last week was the first time my gynecologist brought up that I should start thinking about whether it's important to me to have kids. We aren't in the financial situation we'd have to be in right now, but that could change in the next two years or so when we're done with grad school.  But more importantly I've never really had the desire to have kids. 

I'm not really a kid person. I love the relationship I have with my husband and worry that a child would take a lot away from that. I'm also pretty introverted and easily overwhelmed by constantly being around people, and by noise and not getting enough sleep. I'm pretty sure I would be miserable with a small child.

But I think it would like it as they got older and more self-sufficient, once I could really talk to them. I'd really like educating them and I'm curious to see what they would be like.  I also have a really good relationship with my parents (now that I'm an adult--it was hell when I was a teenager), and I would like to have that kind of relationship with an adult child someday.  Family is also pretty important to me (although ideally from some distance), and it looks like my brother and my husband's sister won't have kids, so I won't have much of a younger generation to look forward to if I don't make my own. 

Basically, I have several friends who either regretted becoming parents or experienced the early years as a traumatic event in their lives and I'm not sure I want to put myself (and an innocent child!) through that.  Did anyone else worry about stuff like that? 

I’ve just always wanted to be a mom. Even when I was extremely young, I knew I wanted kids one day. I can’t really explain it. 

But I agree with everyone else who has said it - if you aren’t sure then don’t do it. I feel like parenthood is the type of commitment you should be absolutely positive you want prior to jumping into it. Being a mom has been an incredible joy for me, but it’s also ridiculously frustrating, scary, overwhelming, and hard. 

[farmerannie]

4 hours ago, lumpentheologie said:

To those of you who have kids (or are attempting to have them), what made you decide you wanted to?  

I'm 35, just got married, at last week was the first time my gynecologist brought up that I should start thinking about whether it's important to me to have kids. We aren't in the financial situation we'd have to be in right now, but that could change in the next two years or so when we're done with grad school.  But more importantly I've never really had the desire to have kids. 

I'm not really a kid person. I love the relationship I have with my husband and worry that a child would take a lot away from that. I'm also pretty introverted and easily overwhelmed by constantly being around people, and by noise and not getting enough sleep. I'm pretty sure I would be miserable with a small child.

But I think it would like it as they got older and more self-sufficient, once I could really talk to them. I'd really like educating them and I'm curious to see what they would be like.  I also have a really good relationship with my parents (now that I'm an adult--it was hell when I was a teenager), and I would like to have that kind of relationship with an adult child someday.  Family is also pretty important to me (although ideally from some distance), and it looks like my brother and my husband's sister won't have kids, so I won't have much of a younger generation to look forward to if I don't make my own. 

Basically, I have several friends who either regretted becoming parents or experienced the early years as a traumatic event in their lives and I'm not sure I want to put myself (and an innocent child!) through that.  Did anyone else worry about stuff like that? 

I had all 3 of my children pretty young 19, 22, and 24 this was not planned. I have never really liked children much and babies I didn't like at all. I love my children and every day I'm glad I had them, but I always tell people to remember that you cannot give them back and while they become independent your job never stops. I just had to drive 400 miles to keep my youngest out of trouble and she is 18. That being said I do think my children are the greatest gifts I've ever been given to me, because if birth control wouldn't have failed I would not have had kids.