Tori Bates - Part 4: Pretty Dresses Hiding Ugly Ideologies

[Daisy0322]

I did a little reveal for my husband, it was just us and I recorded it... mainly to show the baby one day but also for family. I didn't get to have a graduation party or a wedding so I'm not going to lie I used my giant baby shower to fulfill all those broken dreams and I had a blast! Even though I was on bedrest, they brought the couch outside for me and it was really special to me. I had never really been "the center of attention" before it was fun.

[Marly]

Baby showers and elaborate sex-reveal parties aren't a thing in the Netherlands either, at least as far as I know. It could be that in some social circles it is becoming more of a thing, especially amongst those between the ages of 18-25, due to influence from tv shows from the US. But in general, the  mindset/societal norm of the Dutch is to never stick your head out of the crowd and just act normal, otherwise people will consider you to be overly dramatic and attention-seeking and you will likely not being taken seriously (this goes for your ordinary joe and celebrities alike). Although this mindset is beginning to change somewhat with the younger generation, it is still very much present in society. In addition, the idea of not wanting to tempt faith and therefore keeping baby's name and sex a secret until birth is also still present. Sex reveal is becoming a little more common, but generally people don't reveal the name before the baby has arrived into the world safe and sound. 

[wandering woman]

I am not a fan of gender reveal parties. Most relatives and friends don't care whether the couple is having a girl or a boy. It is much ado about nothing. Yawn . . .

[singsingsing]

I'm all for the couple doing whatever they want, and I see no issue at all with celebrating learning the sex of your baby. With that said, I personally would be less than thrilled to be invited to a gender reveal party. I love babies, I'm excited for people I know when they're having babies, I very much care about their health and their baby's health... but I (like most people) really don't care whether they're having a boy or a girl, and I am 100% uninterested in taking hours out of my day to go eat cupcakes, play games that I don't want to play, try to look excited about guessing something that's 50/50, and then watching them pop a balloon or open a box or shoot off a firework or whatever to ~*~reveal~*~ that they're having a boy or a girl. It's like, okay, great... you could've just texted me. Or posted on Facebook. 

[Seculardaisy]

Lawson posted a story and you can see a blue balloon in the background. I am now going to use that photo to say he baby is a boy. Could they have simply used two color balloons as decoration? Sure. But whatevs.

 

[Dutchie]

10 hours ago, Marly said:

n, but generally people don't reveal the name before the baby has arrived into the world safe and sound. 

I’m also from the Netherlands. We decided, very much against the norm,  to tell everybody the name after we found out the sex. Nobody believed us . After he was born a lot of people asked us his name LOL. 

[Daisy0322]

1 hour ago, Dutchie said:

I’m also from the Netherlands. We decided, very much against the norm,  to tell everybody the name after we found out the sex. Nobody believed us . After he was born a lot of people asked us his name LOL. 

May i ask why people don't tellvthe name? I'm just curious because while we didn't have a big announcement we did refer to our son by his name as soon as it was decided. For no other reason than it's his name.

[KelseyAnn]

Whelp, since we're all on the topic of babies- what is the best gift mothers on this sub ever received at a baby shower? My BFF's one is coming up and I want her to get something she'll adore. 

It's a boy- if that matters. 

[VelociRapture]

50 minutes ago, Daisy0322 said:

May i ask why people don't tellvthe name? I'm just curious because while we didn't have a big announcement we did refer to our son by his name as soon as it was decided. For no other reason than it's his name.

Husband and I referred to our daughter by her name after finding out her sex, but only in private. I can only speak for myself, but we didn’t really want to risk having to deal with any bitchy comments about the name we picked prior to her birth. We picked a fairly traditional and “normal”* name that has a familial connection for me, but people can be really weird about names. 

*In parentheses because normal is subjective when it comes to names. 

41 minutes ago, KelseyAnn said:

Whelp, since we're all on the topic of babies- what is the best gift mothers on this sub ever received at a baby shower? My BFF's one is coming up and I want her to get something she'll adore. 

It's a boy- if that matters. 

Hmmm... I usually suggest checking the registry, but here are some thoughts:

- Diapers are always welcomed and encouraged, especially disposables if they intend to use those. They’ll go through diapers fast. You can toss in some wipes and butt paste too if you want.

- I’d personally skip giving any clothes or at least avoid giving clothes in smaller sizes. A lot of parents end up with too many clothes in newborn and 0-3 sizes. If you want to give some of suggest going with 6-9 months or bigger (and try to keep in mind how old he’ll be for each season - you won’t want to give a 12 month winter coat if he’ll be 12 months old in the summer.)

- Do the parents have any hobbies they both enjoy? You could always give a gift that has to do with that somehow. Like a personalized onesie or a board book that has to do with that topic. 

- My daughter is 18 months now and still uses Halo Sleep sacks. She refuses to nap or sleep without one. They’re wearable blankets, which means they’re safer to use with a baby than a normal blanket. You could do a sleep themed gift by pairing one or two of these with some books the parents can read before bedtime and a pair of pajamas in a larger size. I surprised my sister with something like this at Christmas one year, a little less than two months before her son was born, and she loved it (I included a small hand knit blanket, a classic board book, pajamas, and a small stuffed animal that went with the theme of the nursery.) 

- This may sound weird, but gift cards to places they enjoy eating that do take out or offering to make a freezer meal or two or putting together a snack kit for your friend. Those first few weeks are a pretty big blur for a lot of new parents and it can be tough trying to prepare actual meals with everything going on. This can be an easy way to help make sure they stay fed. My sister and her family came to visit after my daughter came home and they brought over a rotisserie chicken, frozen veggies, and a thing of mashed potatoes for us to have for dinner that night. It was a fantastic idea because we had to do next to nothing. My in-laws made us homemade sauce we could defrost and use as needed and my mom made a batch of my favorite family Christmas cookies that I snacked on while feeding the baby.

- You can get a special frame they can put a photo/photos of their son into. My MIL got us this “My First Year” frame that had a spot for a photo from each month of her life. It’s hanging up in put daughter’s bedroom now and we love looking over and seeing how far she came that first year. 

- One of our friends got us this VTech Hippo toy that plays soothing music and nature sounds and shines stars on the ceiling. Our daughter loves having it on when she falls asleep and it turns on automatically if she makes too much noise overnight - sometimes that’s all she needs to settle back to sleep. 

[Daisy0322]

2 hours ago, KelseyAnn said:

Whelp, since we're all on the topic of babies- what is the best gift mothers on this sub ever received at a baby shower? My BFF's one is coming up and I want her to get something she'll adore. 

It's a boy- if that matters. 

Of you want to get something for sure useful- wait until after the shower and ask her what she was the most disappointed about not getting/ what she needs the most. My aunt did this and I was so happy I cried. Not that I wasn't grateful for everything people gave me but I was on bed rest 19 weeks so we unexpectedly had 1 income and we really struggled getting all the expensive  must haves (car seat, crib, diapers, etc.)

if you want something sentimental- I was given a hand made baby quilt made with pieces of my wedding dress tied in and his name embroidered on it and it was my favorite thing ever!

something she doesn't know she'll need- a sealed envelope marked "open for me time" with money for a babysitter, a gift card for a spa and her favorite store.

if you want to go all out- I LOVE my mamaroo, our car seat goes from new born to 4 years old and it's a relief to know we will not have to buy one, and someone bought me a Moby wrap and it's amazing!

more cost effective- my son loves instrument toys target has some great natural wood ones, sleep sacks were really nice the first 4 months, babies love mirrors, black and white books, I prefer toys that don't light up and target had good ones in general, wrist rattles, baby bath tub, white noise machine (best investment ever), diaper genie (wonderful invention, especially after they start solid food)

if she's nursing- nursing pads, lanolin, motherhood gift card for nursing bras, gel soothies, milk maker cookies/tea

Please don't get her clothes my son had so many it was a challenge for him to wear them all and I didn't buy a SINGLE THING. If you get clothes get 9 months plus. 

Diapers size 2-3 no one thinks to get that big so it's a god send

 

[Ivycoveredtower]

9 hours ago, Seculardaisy said:

Lawson posted a story and you can see a blue balloon in the background. I am now going to use that photo to say he baby is a boy. Could they have simply used two color balloons as decoration? Sure. But whatevs.

 

well considering the reveal also seemed to have happened in park and not the Bates house I wouldn't really be looking for clues here. 

[ophelia]

On 6/16/2018 at 9:19 AM, Italiangirl said:

Tori's face here seems so annoy with everything....she probably have been to so many gender reveal party that she don't care  

I thought the same thing. Maybe she really doesn't want to be on camera anymore. Or maybe she is still feeling awkward and uncomfortable in her marriage and doesn't want that broadcasted on TV. Who could blame her. And what a terrible thing if you really find out after your courtship and engagement that the connection isn't deep enough for a lifetime. And the fault is always on the side of the woman. What a nightmare!

[just_ordinary]

11 hours ago, Daisy0322 said:

May i ask why people don't tellvthe name? I'm just curious because while we didn't have a big announcement we did refer to our son by his name as soon as it was decided. For no other reason than it's his name.

Interestingly enough everyone is very openly judgemental on names. More than about topics like planned Caesarians, when you go back to work or breastfeeding. So we don’t want to deal with that. They will get a picture and the name afterwards and then they can all snark in private and practice the happy smile on the great name choice for when they meet us.

Also many people I know are unsure which name it is really is going to be. We have 3 strong contenders and probably wait till she is here. I know several people who picked a name, locked at the baby and changed it immediately because it didn’t feel right anymore. 

And I don’t want personalised stuff. One blanket might be sweet but I find most personalised things rather tacky.

[Seculardaisy]

6 hours ago, Ivycoveredtower said:

well considering the reveal also seemed to have happened in park and not the Bates house I wouldn't really be looking for clues here. 

Well I was really not being super serious but balloons can be transported after events...

3 hours ago, just_ordinary said:

Interestingly enough everyone is very openly judgemental on names. More than about topics like planned Caesarians, when you go back to work or breastfeeding. So we don’t want to deal with that. They will get a picture and the name afterwards and then they can all snark in private and practice the happy smile on the great name choice for when they meet us.

Also many people I know are unsure which name it is really is going to be. We have 3 strong contenders and probably wait till she is here. I know several people who picked a name, locked at the baby and changed it immediately because it didn’t feel right anymore. 

And I don’t want personalised stuff. One blanket might be sweet but I find most personalised things rather tacky.

We have one personalized blanket with our youngest son’s first and middle names, initials, and last name printed all over it. It’s my favorite thing and the only baby I haven’t donated since he reached toddlerhood. 

[Marly]

14 hours ago, Daisy0322 said:

May i ask why people don't tellvthe name? I'm just curious because while we didn't have a big announcement we did refer to our son by his name as soon as it was decided. For no other reason than it's his name.

In the Netherlands, people generally don't tell because they feel it would be tempting faith to do so. It is normal for the parents to have a name in mind, but they generally don't share that name with anyone until the baby is born. If they talk about the baby (before it's born) to other people, they will either refer to the baby as baby, or they'll use a nickname like little potato, muffin, cupcake etc., or they'll use a substitute name to stand in for the real name.
So, as @Dutchie said, if you do choose to share the name, chances are people won't believe you, because the norm here is to not share the real name before the baby is born.

[Jana814]

I'm Jewish we tend to not have baby showers (although they are becoming more normal) or say what the name is. Although many do find out the gender beforehand. 

[Ivycoveredtower]

5 hours ago, just_ordinary said:

Interestingly enough everyone is very openly judgemental on names. More than about topics like planned Caesarians, when you go back to work or breastfeeding. So we don’t want to deal with that. They will get a picture and the name afterwards and then they can all snark in private and practice the happy smile on the great name choice for when they meet us.

Also many people I know are unsure which name it is really is going to be. We have 3 strong contenders and probably wait till she is here. I know several people who picked a name, locked at the baby and changed it immediately because it didn’t feel right anymore. 

And I don’t want personalised stuff. One blanket might be sweet but I find most personalised things rather tacky.

I can't remember if you have ever said which country you live in but do you live in a place that has naming guidelines parents have to follow. I find some names U.S. parents pick out there but always find it fascinating that some countries have so much control over a child's name. 

[AnnEggBlandHer?]

19 hours ago, KelseyAnn said:

Whelp, since we're all on the topic of babies- what is the best gift mothers on this sub ever received at a baby shower? My BFF's one is coming up and I want her to get something she'll adore. 

It's a boy- if that matters. 

It’s tough because every parent is different and every baby ends up being different! For example, my favorite gifts? Anything that came from my meticulously researched registry, or a gift card for the store I was registered at or somewhere that carries everything, like Target or Amazon. Or cash. 

My best friend thinks it’s super impersonal and even rude to only buy a gift card or give cash, and she always gives off registry, more creative gifts. 

I loved some of the off registry and personalized gifts I got, others I really wished I could return because they were duplicates or things I had no use for (not to say I didn’t appreciate the gift— I’m a firm believer in it being the thought that counts!! And I donated lots of duplicate items.) 

[Dutchie]

21 hours ago, Daisy0322 said:

May i ask why people don't tellvthe name? I'm just curious because while we didn't have a big announcement we did refer to our son by his name as soon as it was decided. For no other reason than it's his name.

It is one of those ancient customs, that people don’t exactly know why. It has both to do with critics and the idea that it would be bad luck. It is so natural around here that people don’t even ask you for the name.

[Seculardaisy]

Kelly clarified exactly what Booby does for a living. 

(I did realize before posting that my phone autocorrected Bobby to booby but how could I delete that?

[kiwi]

Favourite baby item/s.... bibs, not the fancy cutsey ones, but flannel, towelling chunky - soak up the refluxers spew a hundred times a day bibs! I had two very bad refluxers and at one point we had over a hundred bibs and washed at least half of them daily!

And old school flat cloth nappies (diapers), they are handy for at the head of the basinette or cot to catch spill;, no play mat? - chuck one on the floor; they work as shade covers for carseats, buggies; burp cloths, catching spills. So so versatile for everything and anything thats not even diaper related! 

Over and above that and super expensive for a gift, but i absoutely love and continue to recommend is a genuine (previous nz made) Mountain Buggy brand buggy. I have had various models over my 11yrs parenting. 

[Melissa1977]

So a father has to be available and tenderhearted and happy but also has to beat his kids for hours and let them cry at nights and smack newborns and make kids pay for the groceries and make them raise their siblings, while he (the father) is lazy and grifting and impregnates his wife every other year no matter how poor and unhealthy they are?

Did I understood correctly?

[ophelia]

1 hour ago, Melissa1977 said:

So a father has to be available and tenderhearted and happy but also has to beat his kids for hours and let them cry at nights and smack newborns and make kids pay for the groceries and make them raise their siblings, while he (the father) is lazy and grifting and impregnates his wife every other year no matter how poor and unhealthy they are?

Did I understood correctly?

You sumed it up perfectly. And still these guys are considered great leader/husband/father in their circles. The stupidity really burns. Again and again.

[VelociRapture]

5 hours ago, Melissa1977 said:

So a father has to be available and tenderhearted and happy but also has to beat his kids for hours and let them cry at nights and smack newborns and make kids pay for the groceries and make them raise their siblings, while he (the father) is lazy and grifting and impregnates his wife every other year no matter how poor and unhealthy they are?

Did I understood correctly?

You forgot the part about how he’s cool with his teenager daughter’s accompanying a known sexual predator on trips for the cult.* But yes, you appear to have a good grasp on the situation. 

*Gil and Kelly did allow some of the daughters to accompany Bill Gothard on trips. I don’t know specific details, but I believe Erin was one of the daughters. This would have been years after the accusations of sexual misconduct against Gothard first emerged back in the (I believe) 80s or 90s, so they really have no excuse for having allowed it. 

[Chocolatecheesecake]

About the topic of people being annoyed at gender reveal parties... I really don't get how a person can be annoyed at being invited to party. Unless maybe if they feel pressured to attend and to bring an expensive gift. In my circle there are lots of get togethers for all kinds of occations, graduations, engagements, babyshowers or sometimes just a party because it's saturday and you want to see your friends. Gifts are for the most part completely optional, except for wedding gifts, it would be rude to show up to a wedding without even a small gift. With babyshowers most people would bring a little something, but if it's not you best friend or a close family member it's not necessary. Attendance is also completely optional, I have declined a ton of invitations for various reasons. I myself love to throw parties and I always get very positive feedback,people tell me that they love to get the chance to see a bunch of old friends at once and really enjoy spending time eating good food in good company. If there are games, nobody has to participate. I don't have any kids yet, but when I do, I'll definitely throw a gender reveal party and if any of my friends feel like @singsingsing about it, I would hope that they would simply politely decline the invitation.