Let the JinJer Wedding Planning Begin!

[2manyKidzzz]

@ChickenettiLuvr $200 per person no open bar? What did they serve, did that include wine at dinner, surely it did. That is amazing. 

I am overwhelmed with that. You must be a StrongerPerson for having endured that. Or something........

And did you coin that phrase, fundamentalism is where fun goes to die....I love it.

Or, I hate it. I am unchurched. 

[ChickenettiLuvr]

 @2manyKidzzz -- That's what I'm told it's costing.  My son is distraught because he feels it's terribly wasteful.  And I haven't even asked what the wedding menu will be.  IMHO, there isn't a plate really worth $200, is there?  (or even $150)  I know it includes passed hot & cold hors d'oeuvre, which are always ridiculously pricey.  (Seriously, you can have a good filet plate for the price of hors d'oeuvre. They're a huge money-maker for caterers.)

Nope, no wine at dinner either.  And no champagne toast allowed.

It hasn't happened yet - it's next month.  PLEASE say prayers, light candles, stick pins in voodoo dolls, hug puppies, whatever.  I'm gonna need some serious medication to get through that weekend.  Not to mention the stress of controlling my potty mouth & forthrightness.  Plus dealing with my idiot ex and his bitchy new wife.

....

Yes, the phrase is all mine.  You're welcome to it.

Fundamentalism is where fun goes to die.(TM)

[Chickenbutt]

My future dil parents are very, very wealthy. They are paying for everything wedding related. They are paying for bridesmaid dresses, groomsmen clothing, all catering costs, hotels for out of town guests, etc. Her mom offered to pay for my dress also. I declined. I sat down with MOTB and explained what we could comfortably contribute and she has refused any money. Said to give it to the kids for their honeymoon, altho she is paying for 1 week any where in the world, flights and hotels, for their honeymoon. I told my son and dil that we would be giving them money and they could use it however they saw fit. Some people would be uncomfortable with this arrangement, but I refuse to go into debt for the kind of wedding that is being planned. They have the money, want to spend it on their only child and what little we could contribute would not make much of a difference.

 

[ChickenettiLuvr]

I salute you,  @Chickenbutt.  (sorry, won't let me tag you)  That is as it should be.

Bride's parents are very money conscious, very tit-for-tat. Very prideful of what they have that others don't.

So happy for you.  Hope your son's wedding is perfect and that you enjoy every single moment!!!

[Chickenbutt]

@ChickenettiLuvrYou will be fine. You will be so proud of your son and will be whatever it is he needs to be at the moment. Just know that you raised a good son and his wedding day is the day for you to shine and be proud of the man you raised. You can control yourself for the length of the wedding, I have faith in you. Come and vent to us afterwards....lol

I am sending good wishes your way.

And thank you. I have a whole year to wait. June 10th, 2017.

[ChickenettiLuvr]

Thank you, @Chickenbutt. Your kind words mean so much. Hugs.

[EmCatlyn]

1 hour ago, ChickenettiLuvr said:

============

<snip>

For my son's wedding, his whole well-reasoned approach was to treat people well without breaking the bank. They've limited their guest list to under 200.  Even so, her family's chosen caterer + cake = $200 per person. (No, this does not include an open bar.)  Groom's preference was to spend less on wedding, bigger down-payment on house. (FYI, a fixer-upper starter home in their metro area begins in mid $300s.  Yikes.)  And if Bride or Groom were crass enough to tell guests an amount to "cover the plate," I'd slap the hell out of them!

Groom wanted a very casual rehearsal dinner. Which was nixed by Bride's family.  *le sigh*  Never mind that her family earns mid-6 figures.  Groom's dad (my idiot ex) earns lower-mid 6 figures and is so tight his ass whistles.  My hubby and I almost qualify for food stamps but refuse.  
Wanna guess who's stuck paying ~$50 pp for a casual buffet for 60 people??  (Again, no open bar, and I'm putting my gourmet-chef training DIY skills to use.)

A few of us are master's-level professional musicians. We were going to do a lovely jazz combo + vocals for part of the reception.  Nope. Too ungodly.  *head bang*
I had planned a fun non-alcoholic signature mocktails + gourmet soda + coffee bar for cocktail hour, complete with mixologists and baristas.  Nyet.  Not allowed.
Of course, no dancing either. Not even couple, father-daughter, mother-son, or bridal party.

Suffice it to say that, these are IFB folk who dictate to the world about "standards" and refuse to allow for dancing or drinking.  They even control the music!  (But they'll tell you they're not legalistic because the women can wear pants.)

All i can say is, fundamentalism is where fun goes to die!
 

This is very interesting.  Except in cases where the couple organizes the event themselves, my understanding has always been that the family of the bride give the reception they (or their daughter) want and the family of the groom hosts a dinner after the wedding rehearsal. The family of the groom can't tell the bride's family what to do about the reception unless they offer to pay.  The family of the bride can't tell the groom's family what to do about the rehearsal dinner unless they offer to pay.

Of course one tries to compromise and not offend. No alcohol, no dancing, ok.  And the reception is the bride's family's business so if they don't want jazz, that's their choice.  But I am appalled that they have insisted on a rehearsal dinner that is more expensive than the groom and his family can afford.  Being a fundie is no excuse.

  ETA - You are great to be supporting your son through this.  It will all be fine and you will do fine.   Will definitely throw some prayers for a succesful event your way.

[ChickenettiLuvr]

Thank you,  @EmCatlyn.  I'm just keeping my mouth shut about everything!

For the record, my son is the one who suggested the jazz combo for 3 or 4 songs. He wanted to sit in on some percussion because it's fun. And he thought people would enjoy a little Sinatra, etc. 

[He also had the idea for the mock tails and coffee bar, so I just worked out details to help him get one thing he wanted. And yes, I was writing that check.  ... all moot ...]

I just had an email from him about the cost of the rehearsal dinner. He wants to talk tomorrow to see if we can pare it down a bit. I'm seriously at a point where I don't care anymore. I'm ready to call Little Caesars, buy some 2 liters, and be done. 

[Chickenbutt]

@ChickenettiLuvrI would tell him how much you are prepared to spend and let them figure it out from there. They can either pare it down to what you can afford, or they can add to it to do the rehearsal dinner of their dreams.

[EmCatlyn]

4 minutes ago, ChickenettiLuvr said:

Thank you,  @EmCatlyn.  I'm just keeping my mouth shut about everything!

For the record, my son is the one who suggested the jazz combo for 3 or 4 songs. He wanted to sit in on some percussion because it's fun. And he thought people would enjoy a little  Sinatra, etc. 

I just had an email from him about the cost of the rehearsal dinner. He wants to talk tomorrow to see if we can pare it down a bit. I'm seriously at a point where I don't care anymore. I'm ready to call Little Caesars, buy some 2 liters, and be done. 

I was just adding good wishes to my earlier message.  I think that rehearsal dinner sounds way too expensive, especially if there is no booze.  Your son is right to want to trim the cost.

A thought:   This might be the moment to explain to your in-laws that you are a serious fan of the godly Duggars and that you will emulate them by having the rehearsal dinner in a parking lot and serve hot dogs and ice cream.  

Why not have the jazz music "for the young people" after the rehearsal dinner?  Your evening, your call.

[samira_catlover]

@ChickenettiLuvr: good night nurse, hon, will see about asking for a couple rescue ferrets on standby till the wedding.  Hope all goes off smoothly and somebody is available to help contain what sounds kinda like Bridezillaish tendencies.  (THEIR guest list is under 200? Good heavens, they're kinfolk maybe to the Duggers and the Bateseseses?)

Agree with EmCatlyn: traditional etiquette seems to be "bride's side picks up the wedding party dinner; groom's side does the rehearsal".  Your cocktail hour idea sounds fantastic and fun!

FWIW, our ceremony was in a skilled-collar blue-trade European-ethnic (think Polish, Italian, German, Irish, etc.) city in the US midwest.  You HAD to have tons of food and assortments were always good, with adaptations to budget. Cake, small sandwiches, watermelon bowl, and baked chicken for a backyard wedding could work on a budget, but fancy tiny snacks would have gotten you laughed to death. Booze was highly desirable (although a spiked and also non-spiked punch worked on budgets), and definitely a band for dancing polkas and waltzes. They hadn't invented DJs yet.

[Cactus]

This entire thread has confirmed my long-held view that eloping is the best choice. 

[fraurosena]

3 hours ago, ChickenettiLuvr said:

<snip>

All i can say is, fundamentalism is where fun goes to die!
 

And that's why we call them fundies...

[Diggingupdirt]

On 6/23/2016 at 9:46 PM, OrchidBlossom said:

I'm sorry HOW much to be a bridesmaid? Were her dresses all gold or something?

I will admit, this I don't get. I understand trying to cover your plate if you can afford it as a courtesy thing, but at the same time my family has always viewed weddings the same way we view any other party we throw. We are throwing it, we are paying for it. The people we invite we invite because we want there, because they are special to us. I know at least one of my aunts paid for her bridesmaids expenses because not all of them could participate otherwise. Of course, being able to do that is an economic luxury. But I think all things equal if I had to choose between eating the cost of having my closest friends at my wedding or inviting my wealthier, perhaps more distant, friends and family, I would eat the cost.

This right here is what i have always thought!!

 

When i got married last year we spent 4500 on the whole affair. We had an outdoor ceremony, with BBQ chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers all the sides and lots of booze!!! I didn't care if I got anything from anyone, I just wanted my family and friends there to celebrate with us and have a good time. 

I also choose not to have a bridal shower (my 1st marriage) because I felt like being in my 30's and owning my home for 10 years, just felt like asking people to buy me new stuff for a home that is already furnished. My husband and I lived together for 6 years before we married. IMHO I feel like having a large bridal shower when you already live together and have a home together is kinda taking advantage of your friends and family. I still go to my friends bridal showers when invited and if I can't make it i will still send a gift.

I also was taught you are to cover your plate when you go to the reception, I always guess what that price would be but I usually only give what the dinner cost. My reason being is I already purchased a bridal shower gift for 50 or more dollars and now cash for the reception. I guess I'm cheap but i never expect people to cover the cost of any event i throw, wedding or not. 

[LawsonBatesEgo]

On 6/23/2016 at 11:30 PM, 19 cats and counting said:

I'm not into modesty in the fundie sense, but my personal modesty test is a bra test.  If I can't wear a regular bra with it then I won't wear it (and I'm not well-endowed).  

This includes everything from formal dresses to causal tank tops.  When I've been a bridesmaid (never again) I've informed the bride that I'm not comfortable wearing a strapless or halter dress.

For me, it's not so much the modesty thing (although with the size of my boobs, things can go from 'a little hint of sexy cleavage' to 'WOAAAAAH NIKE NIKE SLUTTY SLUTTY NIKE' damn fast) but more than it hurts the girls to not to be able to wear a good supportive bra. 

[eveandadam]

1 hour ago, Cactus said:

This entire thread has confirmed my long-held view that eloping is the best choice. 

It is, in hindsight it would have been for us, too, we had a wedding planner who almost ruined our wedding. she lied to us all the way through and 1 week before the wedding we almost fired her but didn't in the end because we were scared she would show up and ruin everything. She tried to steal our decoration ideas (she didn't help with the decoration at all) and display it as her own. my parents had to block the entry so she couldn't take pictures. to this day though i think she somehow managed to take pictures (maybe she talked to the staff there to take a photo or something). She is now on my list of most hated people.

[Jinder Roles]

On Friday, June 24, 2016 at 3:29 PM, allthegoodnamesrgone said:

I love wedding dresses.  I got married 20 years ago this Sept, and I wanted so badly to have this 1 rum pink dress but I was young meek and stupid and let them talk me into a very white, very traditional very ugly dress that I still hate to this day. I so hate being an inside the lines person that I got thrown in for my wedding, it was pretty much the last "normal" thing I did.  Hello I'm June fucking Cleaver born again Christian flaming liberal who cusses like a sailor drinks like a fish and can tell you a bible story while baking you little shits cookies.  I drive my family nuts, but my husband and kids love me!  

I like you June fucking Cleaver . You certainly have a way with words.

 

[LawsonBatesEgo]

On 6/24/2016 at 11:46 AM, OrchidBlossom said:

I'm sorry HOW much to be a bridesmaid? Were her dresses all gold or something?

I will admit, this I don't get. I understand trying to cover your plate if you can afford it as a courtesy thing, but at the same time my family has always viewed weddings the same way we view any other party we throw. We are throwing it, we are paying for it. The people we invite we invite because we want there, because they are special to us. I know at least one of my aunts paid for her bridesmaids expenses because not all of them could participate otherwise. Of course, being able to do that is an economic luxury. But I think all things equal if I had to choose between eating the cost of having my closest friends at my wedding or inviting my wealthier, perhaps more distant, friends and family, I would eat the cost.

Same here! I'm nowhere near marriage right now because I've only been seeing my boyfriend for about 4 months and we're not fundies who need to get married before we can have sex and hang out without supervision but this is how I feel about weddings in general. 

When I send out wedding invites one day, it will not be because I am doing so for a 'present grab' or for them to pay for the party I want to throw. I view my options as saving for the kind of wedding I want or having a less expensive wedding (and I'll probably go the latter option if I marry my boyfriend, neither of us are into the whole dog and pony show of modern 'pinterest weddings'), not selecting the guest list more likely to 'pay up'. 

I'll be inviting the people I invite because I want them to come to my wedding and share in that day. If they bring a nice present or give a generous cash gift then I won't exactly refuse it, but it is by no means an "expectation" by me inviting them. 

[BlessedMajorNeglect]

7 hours ago, ChickenettiLuvr said:

 @2manyKidzzz -- That's what I'm told it's costing.  My son is distraught because he feels it's terribly wasteful.  And I haven't even asked what the wedding menu will be.  IMHO, there isn't a plate really worth $200, is there?  (or even $150)  I know it includes passed hot & cold hors d'oeuvre, which are always ridiculously pricey.  (Seriously, you can have a good filet plate for the price of hors d'oeuvre. They're a huge money-maker for caterers.)

Nope, no wine at dinner either.  And no champagne toast allowed.

It hasn't happened yet - it's next month.  PLEASE say prayers, light candles, stick pins in voodoo dolls, hug puppies, whatever.  I'm gonna need some serious medication to get through that weekend.  Not to mention the stress of controlling my potty mouth & forthrightness.  Plus dealing with my idiot ex and his bitchy new wife.

....

Yes, the phrase is all mine.  You're welcome to it.

Fundamentalism is where fun goes to die.(TM)

My wedding dinner cost 225 dollars per plate but it included an open bar, had 3 stations for cocktail hour including fresh oysters, and the main dinner was a 5 course seated meal catered by Wolfgang Puck's company. I thought it was worth it haha. 

Sounds stressful for you though, good luck!

[Gossamer1]

Many years ago I worked with a guy who bucked most of the prevailing trends at the time. His bride wanted a full Catholic mass and brinesmaids/ushers which he agreed to.  Instead of a big elaborate reception they had cake, champagne and punch in one of the church rooms after the ceremony.

All that money they didn't spend on a reception?... They instead went to Hawaii for a MONTH!  Smart guy.

[actuallyjessica]

I'm sick at the moment and have some time to kill, so I made a pinterest for Jinger and Jeremy's wedding... or at least how I picture it could be...without it being too unrealistic.

This is pretty much what I envision for Jinger, in a nut shell.


 

[paulypepper]

On 6/22/2016 at 2:47 PM, princessmahina said:

Ooh, a Duggar bachelorette party!

-Sherbert punch served in shot glasses

-An inspirational speaker (Sierra, maybe) who "inspires" and "encourages" the young ladies on their future as broodmares and laundry slaves.

-An "exotic" tater tot casserole sprinkled with parsley 

-Cookies from the Doughmestic Housewife and chocolate dipped strawberries from Sierra

-Fun games: They can just reuse the ones from their baby showers. Bachelorette party/baby shower- both prepping for babies!

 

Okay you have to understand where I'm coming from working in a restaurant for more years than I would care to reveal and having seen sooooo many penis and boob cakes and party favors...I'm thinking it wouldn't be a big stretch for the Doughmestic Housewife to change those arrow cookies into penis cookies....and I won't even touch the strawberry thing...

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

7 hours ago, Diggingupdirt said:

This right here is what i have always thought!!

 

When i got married last year we spent 4500 on the whole affair. We had an outdoor ceremony, with BBQ chicken, hot dogs, hamburgers all the sides and lots of booze!!! I didn't care if I got anything from anyone, I just wanted my family and friends there to celebrate with us and have a good time. 

I also choose not to have a bridal shower (my 1st marriage) because I felt like being in my 30's and owning my home for 10 years, just felt like asking people to buy me new stuff for a home that is already furnished. My husband and I lived together for 6 years before we married. IMHO I feel like having a large bridal shower when you already live together and have a home together is kinda taking advantage of your friends and family. I still go to my friends bridal showers when invited and if I can't make it i will still send a gift.

I also was taught you are to cover your plate when you go to the reception, I always guess what that price would be but I usually only give what the dinner cost. My reason being is I already purchased a bridal shower gift for 50 or more dollars and now cash for the reception. I guess I'm cheap but i never expect people to cover the cost of any event i throw, wedding or not. 

Not sure if it is a location thing, or a new tradition, but it seems like weddings are just a money grab now a days. I'd never heard of a "cover your plate" until the last few years.  There is no way in hell I'm giving a couple that can throw a $60k+ wedding a $200 gift. 1 I can't afford that 2 I think it is tacky to expect that much of a gift. Considering that now a days most marriages don't last 5 years that is asking a lot.  The last wedding I was  at was my cousins they had over 600 (yes SIX hundred) people at their monstrosity black tie wedding (In nowhereville  WI) I didn't grow up close to my cousins and this one I'm not sure I would recognize if I bumped into him on the street. We only went because family, anyway I would have had to cough up $200 for a gift in addition to the  gas for the 8 hour drive and $100 for 2 nights in a hotel room (another cousin is GM at the local hotel) I was annoyed I had to be there in the 1st place and coughing up that kind of cash to a couple that already have a $450k home that they have been living in for 8 years would just have been too much to ask.  If all they want is money forget the wedding and just have mom and dad give you the cash. 

[EmCatlyn]

8 hours ago, Diggingupdirt said:

<snip>.

I also was taught you are to cover your plate when you go to the reception, I always guess what that price would be but I usually only give what the dinner cost. My reason being is I already purchased a bridal shower gift for 50 or more dollars and now cash for the reception. I guess I'm cheap but i never expect people to cover the cost of any event i throw, wedding or not. 

I agree that a good goal for the guest, especially when giving money, is to help off-set the price of the wedding by "covering the plate."  However, I feel that it is absolutely WRONG for the bride and groom (or her parents) TO EXPECT guests to pay for their food.   If you (guest) have the money, then you should estimate what your "plate" cost and contribute accordingly.  If you don't have the money and the couple or family are close to you, then your presence and a token of your good wishes is all that is needed.  

As you suggest, when a person throws a party, that person is responsible for the costs.

I think it is tacky to tell your friends what the meal costs, and even tackier to include the information on the invitation.   This is to turn an exchange of courtesies and friendship to a commercial transaction.

[2manyKidzzz]

12 hours ago, ChickenettiLuvr said:

 @2manyKidzzz -- That's what I'm told it's costing.  My son is distraught because he feels it's terribly wasteful.  And I haven't even asked what the wedding menu will be.  IMHO, there isn't a plate really worth $200, is there?  (or even $150)  I know it includes passed hot & cold hors d'oeuvre, which are always ridiculously pricey.  (Seriously, you can have a good filet plate for the price of hors d'oeuvre. They're a huge money-maker for caterers.)

Nope, no wine at dinner either.  And no champagne toast allowed.

It hasn't happened yet - it's next month.  PLEASE say prayers, light candles, stick pins in voodoo dolls, hug puppies, whatever.  I'm gonna need some serious medication to get through that weekend.  Not to mention the stress of controlling my potty mouth & forthrightness.  Plus dealing with my idiot ex and his bitchy new wife.

....

Yes, the phrase is all mine.  You're welcome to it.

Fundamentalism is where fun goes to die.(TM)

Dear @ChickenettiLuvr you are so wise. And you are doing this so as to keep on good terms with you future DIL and in laws in general. Because you always want easy access to your son and future grandkids. Because that is what it boils down to. If your son is stuck with a bunch of inlaws that make his life miserable because of something his family does, he will be completely stressed. This happens. My brother married someone who so completely did not like us. She is strange and has done mean things. So you are being so wise. So very wise. 

Will light that candle. And we have a year to prepare for @Chickenbutt. We all have a lot to prepare for. Ha ha.