NON-fundy parents how would you handle this

[Didi]

(or non-parents how do you THINK you would handle it? :))

Ok, so I grew up in a house where my parents spanked for everything, so I was trying to decide how I would handle this situation I saw today without using corporal punishment.

I work at a kids' gym and we had a 4-year old party today. There were like 20 kids, and 2 of them were boys who would NOT listen. They were hitting, kicking, pushing, one of them kept knocking the balance beams over and almost hurting kids, the other kept running in front of me when I was giving kids a ride on the zipline - I mean I literally spent 50% of my time at this party trying to keep these boys from hurting themselves or someone else. Both of their moms would stand on the sidelines, "No. Stop. Don't. Honey..." but not DOING anything. Thankfully neither of the boys were the birthday child, and the b-day child's mom gave us all tips after the party. :)

A friend of mine said she would just leave the party, I thought maybe I'd force my kid to leave/sit with me for a period of time and then if they continues behaving that way we would leave? I guess because I grew up with spanking taking the kid out and swatting their butt a few times seems less harsh to me than outright leaving, but I am trying to change my viewpoint.

What do you guys think?

BTW, I believe it is TOTALLY normal for kids to act up in this type of environment. They are in a fun stimulating place and being fed cake and sugar water *laugh* I don't normally have a problem with the "naughtiness", But today was ridiculous and no matter what we did or said they WOULDNT STOP. :-p

ETA - I also admit that even if you spanked a kid in this situation there is no guarantee he will improve his behavior, so I guess no matter how you dice it I might end up leaving? It's also harder when there are other kids involved. Like, if they have siblings or something?

[AudreyE]

I would give a warning, followed by a time-out and a warning, and then we'd leave. Three strikes, you're out.

Edited to add that leaving is a natural consequence of being unable to behave at a party. I think natural consequences are respectful, because they make sense and emphasize reality.

[Dark Matters]

I'd take my little monster outside, tell him why I had removed him from the party and give him a chance to go back in if he promised to behave better. Then, if he misbehaved again, we'd be on our way home - no more party for him.

[Wolfie]

My mom would have done similar to Malice Alice- Pulled out for a warning, then if that didn't work, we would have been taken home. But since we knew that was the process, I don't think it ever would have gotten to that point. The behavior wouldn't have even happened.

[Didi]

I like the "natural" route... and I guess if I had kiddos who persisted like that we'd likely only have to leave one party. :) it would break my heart though. :(

[Witsec7]

I'd take my little monster outside, tell him why I had removed him from the party and give him a chance to go back in if he promised to behave better. Then, if he misbehaved again, we'd be on our way home - no more party for him.

I concur since the OP also mentioned that there were safety issues involved.

[keeperrox]

Also, good parents tell their children their expectations before events, so behaviors like this aren't even an issue. Children aren't born knowing how to act in every situation, so it's a parent's job to teach them how to behave. I don't fault the kids for behavior like you describe, Didi, I fault the parents.

[Kitty]

I've noticed that a lot of parents who rely on spanking (and don't do it in public) don't actually DO anything but warn, warn, warn, SPANK. They'll go on and on about how they'll "try everything" but it seems like they very rarely do try anything other than saying "no, honey, don't do that."

Hitting, kicking, and pushing? Remove the kid from the scene and tell him if he can't behave and respect other people then they're going home.

[AmyP]

you have to pull a kid who is acting up like that- you can't just babble at them from the side of the room. They aren't listening. Take the kid out of the room, out of the building if possible. Give them one serious talking to and if they listen, let them give the party one more try after they have a few minutes to calm down. If they pitch a screaming tantrum and won't calm down, apologize the the party host and leave.

[Rosa]

My kid has some behavior issues, mostly lack of impulse control but also something that makes him not notice disapproval and other social signals, plus sensory stuff that makes him go completely haywire in large groups. So I pull him out of the situation and give him a chance to calm down - take a walk, go sit in the car, sometimes if there's no away place I go a little distance away and hold him or get him to spin or sit, something that calms him. Then we talk about it and go back; if he still can't behave, I might do it again or we might just leave. It has a lot to do with the situation - for instance, we go to things at family's houses, out of town, and stay at the house, and all those folks live out in the middle of nowhere, so there's no way for me to just "go home"; or the last party we went to, we were another family's ride so leaving would have made the other kids leave.

[ladypuglover]

I agree with the others and have had to remove my kiddlets from fun things but they learn very quickly to never do it again.

[valsa]

it would break my heart though. :(

Making your child leave a party would break your heart but hitting your child wouldn't?

[Hane]

I've noticed that a lot of parents who rely on spanking (and don't do it in public) don't actually DO anything but warn, warn, warn, SPANK. They'll go on and on about how they'll "try everything" but it seems like they very rarely do try anything other than saying "no, honey, don't do that."

I've seen this so many times I could hurl: a lot of mealy-mouthed "JAY-son, don't DO that," as Mom doesn't get off her butt and address the issue, repeated several times--then Mom finally gets up and whales on Jason, who screams and melts down and shows no behavioral improvement whatsoever.

[Feberin]

I would do time outs perhaps two before leaving. At the second time out it would be clear to the child that they weren't getting another chance that if they acted up again they would go home along with what type of behavior would get them in trouble. If we couldn't leave for some reason like being somebody else's ride then we'd just sit in the car for the rest of the party or sit outside if the weather was nice enough.

[ohpotteryourotter]

Unless the kids have an undiagnosed mental disorder, time-outs and/or leaving the party along with an explanation as to why you're leaving the party should teach them that they need to behave if they want to go to fun places.

[Pad Lock]

I am not going to lie. There are occasions where I swat my toddler on the thigh but it really is a last ditch effort if he is being particularly difficult and I usually wind up in tears along with him while trying to explain what he did wrong to him. I know that is probably not a popular opinion here but if I am nothing I am honest.

Regardless of what the punishment was I would have done it outside. I'm not going to make a spectacle out of my child to prove a point. Often times when he is being unruly in the grocery store I just take him to the car and get us ready to pick her up at the door.

The important thing here though is consistency. I have seen a few complaints about mothers who won't get up etc. I have to say I see as many fathers doing the same with their children. Kids will push you. They will find their limits with you and until they reach that limit they will not cease the displeasing activity. If you keep giving them chance after chance then more than likely they are going to know that you aren't going to get up and do anything. Be consistent.

[snarkbillie]

I would stop them and take them aside and quietly explain that they are doing something that's unacceptable and this was their warning. I would also state that if they continued to that we would go home. Then if I caught them doing it again we would apologize to the birthday child and leave. You only have to leave once or twice for them to realize that your warnings are more bite than bark and from then on they will either behave or if they get carried away change their behavior after a warning. Sometimes I don't even have to give a warning I just look at them and they realize the warning is coming and they start behaving. It's really hard for kids to behave when their friends are being rambunctious.

[keeperrox]

I am not going to lie. There are occasions where I swat my toddler on the thigh but it really is a last ditch effort if he is being particularly difficult and I usually wind up in tears along with him while trying to explain what he did wrong to him. I know that is probably not a popular opinion here but if I am nothing I am honest.

Regardless of what the punishment was I would have done it outside. I'm not going to make a spectacle out of my child to prove a point. Often times when he is being unruly in the grocery store I just take him to the car and get us ready to pick her up at the door.

The important thing here though is consistency. I have seen a few complaints about mothers who won't get up etc. I have to say I see as many fathers doing the same with their children. Kids will push you. They will find their limits with you and until they reach that limit they will not cease the displeasing activity. If you keep giving them chance after chance then more than likely they are going to know that you aren't going to get up and do anything. Be consistent.

Clues #1 and #2 that you shouldn't hit your child. :roll:

[Koala]

I guess because I grew up with spanking taking the kid out and swatting their butt a few times seems less harsh to me than outright leaving, but I am trying to change my viewpoint.

Hitting is never less harsh than packing up and leaving.

Probably a bad example, but think of it this way: You are at a party. You have one too many and start to make an ass of yourself.

Situation A: You are asked to leave. You gather your purse and go home.

Situation B: You are hit a few times and told to straighten up.

Does that kind of put it in perspective for you? For some reason we can't wrap our minds around hitting an adult. You were probably outraged at the thought of someone hitting you in order to redirect your behavior. But when it's a child, no one thinks twice. Why? Shouldn't we actually expect more of adults? If it's not okay for adults to be violent with each other, then why would it ever be okay for an adult to hit a small child a few times?

I think we have to ask what kind of message being hit sends a child. What goes through their mind? What does it tell them about themselves and the adults in their lives.

In the situation you described I would calmly call my child aside and explain to them that their behavior wasn't acceptable. I would then remind them that if they couldn't be considerate of others we would have to go home. Finally, FOLLOW THROUGH.

With young children it often helps to review expectations before a party.

[valsa]

Clues #1 and #2 that you shouldn't hit your child. :roll:

Exactly. I think those situations should be a sign to Pad Lock to step back and explain to herself what she's doing wrong.

[Conuly]

Time-out. If there's JUST one kid, the time-out would be followed by leaving. If I'm watching several kids, and only one is misbehaving, I'd be more likely to give more time-outs, maybe some in a quiet, non-stimulating environment (like a walk outside until they calm down) unless I felt safe leaving the other kids there while I left with the one troublemaker. (And I'm assuming, if I'm sitting at the party place with multiple children, that in fact I don't feel safe doing that. I don't like going to those places, they're too noisy and overtimulating for ME, so as soon as it's socially acceptable to ditch the party guest and run, I do that. Well, actually, I make their actual parents take them, but we're speaking about my hypothetical kids.)

However, the time-out (or leaving) isn't intended in this case as a punishment. Most likely (especially at that age) the kid is acting up because they're overstimulated and excited, and because small children have poor impulse control. My goal is to get results, not to be more punitive than everybody else. The time-out is supposed to give the kid a chance to calm himself/herself down so they can remember how to behave.

[Red Molly]

One warning. Followed by a swift and graceless exit if the behaviour continued. No negotiations.

[Koala]

I am not going to lie. There are occasions where I swat my toddler on the thigh but it really is a last ditch effort if he is being particularly difficult and I usually wind up in tears along with him while trying to explain what he did wrong to him. I know that is probably not a popular opinion here but if I am nothing I am honest.

You are an adult. Hitting a toddler should never be your last ditch effort. When he cries (as a result of you hitting him), the answer is NOT to cry with him and explain what HE did to make you hit him. If he becomes exasperated with his little friends do you want him to hit and then explain to them how their behavior made him do it? When you have resorted to violence (and that's what all hitting is), you need to be thinking about what YOU did wrong, not what he did wrong.

[sassyNoz47]

I was raised in a house hold that we were spanked with a paddle....I really don't have any horrible memories from it but its not like we were spanked often.

In todays world spanking really isn't so acceptable and I never could do it as a regular punishment. In regards to the situation above I would of imediatly removed my child from the situation probably by taking him out of the room explain what he did and then going back in and having him sit with me for so long..4min. If he continued the behavior I pull him out for longer if it went on a 3rd time we would leave. I don't care for parents who stand there and yell out useless threats because they are rarely acted on and I also wouldn't yell at my kid in front of his peers.

[Koala]

I was raised in a house hold that we were spanked with a paddle....I really don't have any horrible memories from it but its not like we were spanked often.

I'm not saying that you are lying, but I am floored that you don't have horrible memories of an adult hitting you with a wooden board. Perhaps it's because I was so traumatized by events in my childhood. I was not what most people would have called abused, but I am in my 30's and my childhood memories have never left me.

In todays world spanking really isn't so acceptable and I never could do it as a regular punishment.

Hitting a child is never acceptable and shouldn't ever be used as a punishment. I don't even like the word punishment, but that's another debate.