Bontragers/Bowers/Helferichs 12

[Brittany15]

If I asked for my husband’s opinion on clothes he would be so confused. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

My husband and I are pretty similar in our attitudes towards fashion. We don’t take fashion risks. We often wear the same type of thing all the time. We don’t keep up with trends. We just wear what’s comfy. And then we have an event to dress up for, it’s very ordinary. I’ll probably wear a black dress and he will wear a very standard suit. The wildest thing my husband ever wore on his body was a handlebar mustache. I’m glad that’s long gone 🙄

[SassyPants]

12 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

My husband and I are pretty similar in our attitudes towards fashion. We don’t take fashion risks. We often wear the same type of thing all the time. We don’t keep up with trends. We just wear what’s comfy. And then we have an event to dress up for, it’s very ordinary. I’ll probably wear a black dress and he will wear a very standard suit. The wildest thing my husband ever wore on his body was a handlebar mustache. I’m glad that’s long gone 🙄

My nephew (also godson) is getting married next September, and I am already stressing about what I am going to wear. My SIL, his mother, is a fashionista and the family my nephew is marrying into is highfalutin. The 2 families have been planning and coordinating the events for 6 months. Lord help me.

[JermajestyDuggar]

5 minutes ago, SassyPants said:

My nephew (also godson) is getting married next September, and I am already stressing about what I am going to wear. My SIL, his mother, is a fashionista and the family my nephew is marrying into is highfalutin. The 2 families have been planning and coordinating the events for 6 months. Lord help me.

See this is why I just wear a black dress and boring black shoes. I blend in rather than stand out. So no one will even register what I wear. 

[Jana814]

Black is my go to color for any special occasions. 

[Melissa1977]

Allison's husband looks like the typical dude that says "yeah, you look great" to whatever outfit his wife wears. 

I think Allison is working hard to create a *perfect* fundie marriage, but is forgeting the most important: the naturalness. She is focused in the idea, not in the real life, honest feelings and sincere emotions. I suspect Jeremiah would prefer a more natural relationship.

Just speculation.

[Caroline]

I truly don't understand the sheer boringness of the lives of women like Allison. I'm far too busy taking care of the house on the weekends (my only time off), lesson-planning for my Monday to Friday teaching job, reading, hanging with friends and doing things with my husband when we have the time together. 

I'm one of those people who irons on the weekend so I'll always know what I'm wearing to school, but that's because I have a million other things on my mind and worrying about what I'm going to wear is way down on the list of what I want to waste brain activity on. 

I wouldn't change a thing about how I've lived: raising a child, enjoying an equal marriage where both of us work hard in and outside of the home and having a wide circle of friends. I would die of boredom without the opportunities I've had  of higher education, travel, and just THINKING and communicating with a wide variety of people on a daily basis. Allison and others like her don't know what they're missing because they're raised to not have a clue about what other opportunities exist for them. Sad, sad, sad.

 

[JermajestyDuggar]

8 minutes ago, Caroline said:

I truly don't understand the sheer boringness of the lives of women like Allison. I'm far too busy taking care of the house on the weekends (my only time off), lesson-planning for my Monday to Friday teaching job, reading, hanging with friends and doing things with my husband when we have the time together. 

I'm one of those people who irons on the weekend so I'll always know what I'm wearing to school, but that's because I have a million other things on my mind and worrying about what I'm going to wear is way down on the list of what I want to waste brain activity on. 

I wouldn't change a thing about how I've lived: raising a child, enjoying an equal marriage where both of us work hard in and outside of the home and having a wide circle of friends. I would die of boredom without the opportunities I've had  of higher education, travel, and just THINKING and communicating with a wide variety of people on a daily basis. Allison and others like her don't know what they're missing because they're raised to not have a clue about what other opportunities exist for them. Sad, sad, sad.

 

I wouldn’t be surprised if the hardest thing for Allison was the moving away part. I don’t think she gets a ton of visitors. I get the impression her family expects them to visit Iowa. I doubt she sees her family and friends that much. I think she even mentioned she mostly just hangs out with her husband’s family now. Meaning her sisters in law and the rest. It’s sad that these fundie women usually have to move away. It’s like the European princesses of years past. They always had to move away from their home and often to another country after they got married. And they rarely saw some family members ever again. Boy am I glad I’m not fundie and can people who have similar beliefs to myself to date or marry in my region. And I don’t have to do a long distance relationship and then move away after I marry. 

[Ozlsn]

1 hour ago, Caroline said:

Allison and others like her don't know what they're missing because they're raised to not have a clue about what other opportunities exist for them. Sad, sad, sad.

Agreed, and they have been trained out of any curiosity so they are inhibited from looking at the outside world and seeing that there might be more out there for them.

It makes me sad as well that these women have even fewer opportunities than my grandmother who grew up in a rural area and left school at 14 and 9 months  because her family couldn't afford to keep her there past the mandatory age - at least her parents encouraged her and her sister to move interstate to the big smoke, find work, live independently and establish lives. 

[eljayem]

7 hours ago, Melissa1977 said:

Allison's husband looks like the typical dude that says "yeah, you look great" to whatever outfit his wife wears. 

Yeah I wonder if Allison wants input from her husband - like she got from her parents and maybe even from her siblings in some respect - but her husband is used to getting input and direction from his parents and doesn't really have an opinion?

5 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I wouldn’t be surprised if the hardest thing for Allison was the moving away part. I don’t think she gets a ton of visitors.

Yes I think Allison will be happier the older her kids get and can become better companions. By the time her kids are getting getting married and moving away I think Allison will be the sort to visit a lot - unlike her mother.

[JermajestyDuggar]

Is she trying to be Lori Alexander? She’s offering literally nothing new. Fundies have been saying this for decades. Therefore if this extremely old and pervasive idea is still unpopular, there’s a reason why! Because it sucks. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

To say being in a submissive marriage isn’t harmful is extremely ignorant. It’s obvious she hasn’t tried to even understand women who have been harmed in this type of marriage. Just because your marriage isn’t harmful doesn’t mean every marriage is like yours. The Bontragers are embarrassingly ignorant. 

[HermioneSparrow]

14 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

To say being in a submissive marriage isn’t harmful is extremely ignorant. It’s obvious she hasn’t tried to even understand women who have been harmed in this type of marriage. Just because your marriage isn’t harmful doesn’t mean every marriage is like yours. The Bontragers are embarrassingly ignorant. 

I saw a tiktok of Haley Ramm (Long) talking about it recently in such a harmful way but trying to make it cute with something like "I find it hot when my husband tells me what to do". How can they be so ignorant?

[JermajestyDuggar]

1 minute ago, HermioneSparrow said:

I saw a tiktok of Haley Ramm (Long) talking about it recently in such a harmful way but trying to make it cute with something like "I find it hot when my husband tells me what to do". How can they be so ignorant?

Sounds like she sees it as fun role playing. It wouldn’t be so fun if her husband controlled every single aspect of her life. 

[Brittany15]

Sometimes I wonder if Allison is trying to send messages to her husband via her Instagram. I wonder if he is a little too laid back for her. I could see him not wanting to make all the decisions and have her submit to them. Perhaps (in a be careful what you wish for type of situation) she is trying to tell him to be more assertive so she can submit to him. 

[HereticHick]

My husband would be annoyed if I asked him to approve every item in my wardrobe.

[JermajestyDuggar]

10 minutes ago, HereticHick said:

My husband would be annoyed if I asked him to approve every item in my wardrobe.

I know that my husband appreciates my decisiveness. It is very much a trait I’ve had since childhood. I know what I want and what I like most of the time. Although I have become slightly less decisive as I’ve gotten older. My husband can have a hard time deciding on things like fashion, food, decorating, furniture placement, etc. I think he’s glad I always know how I want things because he doesn’t have to waste his time wavering. When I met him, he was fixing up his house. He took so long to decide on so many things. Like tiles, paints, and curtains. Then I came along and helped him decide things so much easier because I can come up with decisions pretty quick and easily. I’m pretty sure he appreciates the fact that I rarely ask him for opinions on our house, my clothes, how to arrange furniture, or paint colors of our home. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I wonder if Allison wanted to go to her family’s camp. Because Chelsy was there. And of course her the two Bonts married to her husband’s sisters were there. So it’s a lot of overlap. It’s not just Allison’s family that was there. But two of his sisters too. Yet I see no pics of them attending. 

[CaptainFunderpants]

On 9/23/2023 at 4:04 PM, JermajestyDuggar said:

I wonder if Allison wanted to go to her family’s camp. Because Chelsy was there. And of course her the two Bonts married to her husband’s sisters were there. So it’s a lot of overlap. It’s not just Allison’s family that was there. But two of his sisters too. Yet I see no pics of them attending. 

You can't convince me that this marriage wasn't entirely arranged and forced by the parents.

I come from an oppressive marriage culture too, and as much as I really want to get married ASAP... I'd rather be a spinster than end up with someone so antithetical to who I am, the way Allison did.

[Crodzy]

Recently she posted another wedding photo on IG. I thought, "Okay, must be an anniversary or something." No. She's just regurgitating typical catch phrases about what she's learned in marriage, and using that as a bad excuse to post wedding pictures (again!). Either she doesn't have a recent picture of them looking "in love" to use, or she will take any and every opportunity to flaunt her wedding pictures. Maybe both. But seriously... girl, your wedding was years ago now. It is OLD news. It's ridiculous to constantly share wedding photos like it just happened last week!

[JermajestyDuggar]

4 minutes ago, Crodzy said:

Recently she posted another wedding photo on IG. I thought, "Okay, must be an anniversary or something." No. She's just regurgitating typical catch phrases about what she's learned in marriage, and using that as a bad excuse to post wedding pictures (again!). Either she doesn't have a recent picture of them looking "in love" to use, or she will take any and every opportunity to flaunt her wedding pictures. Maybe both. But seriously... girl, your wedding was years ago now. It is OLD news. It's ridiculous to constantly share wedding photos like it just happened last week!

It’s so sad that it’s the highlight of a fundie’s life. She has no prom pictures or homecoming pictures. I doubt she dresses up in fancy clothing unless they are attending a wedding. And that’s someone else’s day. I’m a stay at home mom just like her and I rarely ever think of my wedding and I’m not particularly fond of a lot of my wedding pics. There are a few that are nice. But it wasn’t the biggest or best day of my life. 

[Jigsaw3]

Speculation: I wonder if the recent flurry of posting (including the wedding picture) is because she didn't go to family camp because her husband said no, and she's trying to convince herself that he made the right decision despite her really wanting to go, and that she still loves him despite him blocking it (I don't really feel that I need to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but it could also have been him pointing out that for various reasons it wouldn't work for their family, not just the patriarchical "Because I said so.")

Relatedly, Alison does not seem to be pregnant again yet. Chelsy also is not pregnant, at least as far as we know (understandable due to her health concerns). Are the Bontrager and also the Maxwell baby trains slowing down?

[JermajestyDuggar]

10 minutes ago, Jigsaw3 said:

Speculation: I wonder if the recent flurry of posting (including the wedding picture) is because she didn't go to family camp because her husband said no, and she's trying to convince herself that he made the right decision despite her really wanting to go, and that she still loves him despite him blocking it (I don't really feel that I need to give him the benefit of the doubt here, but it could also have been him pointing out that for various reasons it wouldn't work for their family, not just the patriarchical "Because I said so.")

Relatedly, Alison does not seem to be pregnant again yet. Chelsy also is not pregnant, at least as far as we know (understandable due to her health concerns). Are the Bontrager and also the Maxwell baby trains slowing down?

I doubt it. I’m sure Allison’s first two will be closer in age than all the rest. It happens so often with fundies. I am guessing Denver and Praise deal with infertility. Cass, Lina, and Bryn all seem very steady in having a kid every other year. I am betting Taylor and Susanna will have an announcement in the next 6 months. 

Edited September 26, 2023 by JermajestyDuggar

[BigSandy]

Chelsy posted on her blog about Taylor and Susanna's wedding, with plenty of pictures!

One thing I like about Chelsy is that her reviews of products seem very honest. She noted how the bridesmaid dresses were not that flattering, though apparently they were comfortable enough.

The thing with the unity candles was kind of funny - they almost started a fire while the speakers "waxed eloquently" - I see what you did there, Chelsy, haha!

It is wild to me that Chelsy and Allison are sisters because Chelsy just seems so much more normal. I know her views are probably not anything I'd agree with, but honestly I don't think I'd mind being around her. She's just so much more BEARABLE than Allison. She seems to truly enjoy her busy mom life, and doesn't need to tell us all the time how amazing her life/marriage/whatever is. I've said it before, but Allison "doth protest too much" and it really becomes apparent when comparing her posts to Chelsy's. 

Edited September 26, 2023 by BigSandy
grammar, it's late

[ifosterkittens]

1 hour ago, BigSandy said:

It is wild to me that Chelsy and Allison are sisters because Chelsy just seems so much more normal. I know her views are probably not anything I'd agree with, but honestly I don't think I'd mind being around her. She's just so much more BEARABLE than Allison. She seems to truly enjoy her busy mom life, and doesn't need to tell us all the time how amazing her life/marriage/whatever is. I've said it before, but Allison "doth protest too much" and it really becomes apparent when comparing her posts to Chelsy's. 

Chelsy has always come across as a fun extroverted engaging person. Chelsy and John have had a fair number of health challenges during their marriage that were likely very expensive. Chelsy needed extensive dental work, Chelsy had heart surgery, Chelsy delivered Maddie at 30 weeks and Maddie spent a few months in the NICU while they had two little boys at home. Thankfully Chelsy and John have the local Maxwells who aren’t my cup of tea I bet they were very helpful and hands on when needed. I’m sure Chelsy and John have had other challenges, like all married couples, but they seem (all based on appearances on a blog which can be deceiving) to have worked together and gotten through the tough times and enjoy their lives.

I’ve come to wonder if Allison was born an introvert who had that “trained” out of her at a young age. Did she have to change herself to be “friendly”? If she wasn’t allowed to be an introvert because her mother deemed it rude when she was a baby I wonder if her whole life she’s been trying to act in a way her parents viewed as acceptable even if it didn’t come naturally to her.  Perhaps Allison’s nature was to be quiet until she felt comfortable around people, slower to make friends, but she got the message early on that wasn’t ok. Allison never came across as a fun or engaging person in her blog (single or married), but what might have made Allison fun and engaging may have been snuffed out of her years ago, or maybe unless you really get to know her you don’t get to see that side of her. Allison always came off to me as a woman who had a strong work ethic who needed purpose in her life. I remember Allison’s blog posts about living at and running the inn to be the most engaging ones. I don’t think she enjoyed her assigned role when they toured the country in the RV, and maybe being a stay-at-home mom isn’t fulfilling.

Admittedly I have a soft spot for Allison. I get the impression she hasn’t been happy for a very long time, and she’s doing her best to make lemonade out of the lemons life handed her. Maybe I’m being a bit hyperbolic, but I think she’s stuck in a life she didn’t choose freely. I think Allison truly believes her role is to be a stay-at-home wife and mom, and she does it because she believes it is what God wants for her, but it is a daily struggle. I wonder if Allison thought marriage and her husband were going to go a certain way, but learned wow that isn’t what I expected at all. I imagine many fundies learn more about their spouse after they’ve been married a while because how well do you really get to know one another during a long distant courtship? Given the expectations she was raised with she can’t call up Chelsy and say today I really hate my life, my husband is pissing me off doing x, y, z, my kids are little terrors and I wish they were going to day care or school soon or just be able to have a few moments of quiet, I hate being stuck in MN so far from my family and friends, his family isn't as nice or inclusive as I had hoped,  I haven’t made good friends here, and life just sucks right now. Allison has said a few times she really struggles with her periods, and she feels guilty when she has to ask her husband to help with parenting (that’s my word choice) because she views it as more of her role. I have no idea if this is the case, and hope it isn’t, but heavy periods can take a toll on a person’s sex life, and if that is the case I’m sure that would cause her even more guilt.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Chelsy made friends easily as a kid, won over the adults, everyone liked her, and Allison did her best to follow in Chelsy’s footsteps, but it never worked out that way for Allison. Now Chelsy and John seem very happily married, and Allison still seems to be struggling, and if that is the case it has to be difficult. I bet Allison is trying to do everything right and feels like she’s failing at some or all of it. I imagine that is quite defeating.