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Bro Gary Hawkins 16: In BetWeen


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forgetmenow

Thanks @thoughtful, that was something else.
He's just a walking advertisement of the importance of seminary training for a pastor/preacher.  Or, really, any occupational training of any kind.

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Black Aliss
16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I like a nice dorian or phrygian prophet, myself, but minor will do - melodic, harmonic or natural, Gary?

How about Lydian? (I'm hearing Gary bellow to the theme from The Simpsons now)

16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"You know what you - ha,  ah thank God, when ah looked at the truck, ah mean, ah was described of the truck, but ah drove bah the truck, ah was asked to do a few things to see 'cause we got to get that thing moved from where it's at, 'n' everything, and uh, and uh all this, and ah looked at that truck and ah looked at the picture that ah was sent of mah nephew, and ah said - now, here's what the police officer told mah brother; mah - the police officer told mah brother 'n' you know, you don't know mah sister, but ah know what we been natural, if you a real mom, AMEN? Sad thing, there's a few moms that ain't real AMEN. Ya say how do you know? Well, ah been around a few dayssss."

WHAT is that argle-bargle? That's opaque even by GHaw's standards.

6 hours ago, Jasmar said:

That…was much more confusing than usual. I don’t know how you do it @thoughtful. My English/Weenese is nowhere near yours!

I know, right? @thoughtful reminds me of the woman in my church who would always stand up after someone finished speaking in tongues and translate. It was her clever way of getting to preach a sermonette, which women aren't really supposed to do. But only she understood the argle-bargle

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16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 

"... And one tahm, when Obama was in office, one tahm, they was workin' on something to kill people that was way on up in age, that was no good for nothin', amen, accordin' to them, killin' 'em so we could git rid of people."

:pink-shock:

Citation needed, you deluded piece of shit.

It's utter bullshit.  The reason I know this is that Gary -- who is "no good for nothin'" -- would have been one of the first in line to get bumped off.  

Lately, he just makes me angry.  He's proud of himself with no reason to be proud and so full of hate that I'm surprised he doesn't explode.  

Becky is talking on her Facebook page about being allergic to something on her liquid diet.  Friends ask why she's on a liquid diet and she just tells them to private message her.  I guess they don't listen to Gary who already spilled the beans about Becky's surgery.   And, Becky, who still isn't keeping food down is supposed to sit and listen to Gary and fetch him his damn water??  

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thoughtful
11 hours ago, Jasmar said:

I don’t know how you do it @thoughtful. My English/Weenese is nowhere near yours!

Well, I'm not sure I translated much of that - just transcribed it, sound by sound.

5 hours ago, Black Aliss said:

How about Lydian? (I'm hearing Gary bellow to the theme from The Simpsons now)

:laughing-jumpingpurple:    Gary is definitely locrian - that ridiculous, diminished-tonic tonality that is pretty much useless.

Running around with less clothes that will not cover your whole body is sin.

Spoiler

image.png.dfe49c77c91f162c019ad7fa3e82b301.png

Gary, the woman in the picture is showing her arms. Now you have me all confused.

Tuesday evening revival at Charity Baptist. They groan Amazing Grace in several keys, despite Becky giving them a piano introduction. Gary is asked to do the prayer again.

Pastor ChokedVoice - er, Bowman - asks them to continue to please continue to pray please, for various people. One is Gary's mom - they had to take out the port to let the infection heal, and then she has to decide whether to try again.

Bowman also asks prayers for a name that sounds like "Meers Fuqua," and her son Roger. Wonder if they're any relation to Gary's buddy, Jethere.

He asks them to pray for his wife, because she's not cured of her hard-headedness yet. That gets a few chuckles, then he goes on to say she's been in pain, and they don't know why.

There are several prayers for people with Covid-19.

The pastor croaks, as he reaches into his pocket for his phone, "The Lord just reminded me, be sure we're all on vibrate, amen."

The prayers seem even longer and slower than last night, and it sounds almost like the pastor is trying to stall. I realize why when he says "Y'all got a song tonight, when he gets back?"

Becky, sounding amused, says, "We can do it without him. He can join when he's done."

I think Gary went to the bathroom. So, Mr. Every Minute in Church is Precious, you missed the prayer list. Tsk, tsk.  Gary joins them just in time to sing I'm Not Going to Hell. The title phrase is sung once at the beginning and twice at the end of every phrase. When they finish, the pastor asks the name of the song, which amused me. Becky tells him.

Gary comes to the lectern, and Jacob delivers a water bottle to him.

 https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+25%3A31-41&version=KJV

KJV: And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
BGV: And he shall set the sheep on the right hand, but the goats on the left. Ah b'lieve we got a lotta goats in the White House, amen.

KJV: When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
BGV: When  he - when he saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in. And are nekkid, and clothed thee. Or in when he saw we sick, we the sick, or when he saw we the sick or in prison, and came unto me.

KJV:  Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me
BGV:  In suh , in such, In much as ye have known, have done unto one of the least of these  brethren, ye have done it unto me

I've never heard a mainstream Christian interpret this passage in any other way but as a plea to do real, concrete, everyday things to help other people. It's pretty clear - feed, give water, clothe, take in when alone, visit when ill or in prison. Recognize that those who seem like the outcasts represent Jesus, and He wants you to help them.

Before I listen to the rest, I am going to bet that Gary thinks it only means to convert (or, as he calls it, "save") people.

The "really, Gary - again?!" stuff is under the spoiler. He's at top volume for most of this.

Spoiler

God has never sent anybody to Hell (even though He is the one that "castses you into the lake of fahhr"), people send themselves. It is finished. Hell was not created for people, but for the devil and his angels. We're in a mess becowse we've chosen to be in a messssss. The rich man got a burden, he got a concern, but it was too late. It's too late to save people once they're in a casket. After people die, they know where they're at. You can't preach a dead person into Heaven if he's in Hell. "Hell is not popular" (I think he means preaching about it, but that was a fun "duh" statement). Jesus preached on Hell twice as much as he did on Heaven. Gary's going to Heaven, and he's looking forward to it. "Hell is in the center of this earth, where people are frying, and screaming, and begging, and repenting, and wanting one drop of water." Gary's never seen a Catholic service, but he knows (after a quick detour for the Pope/hope/dope line, and the new bits quoted below) that, at a funeral, the priest puts one hand on the casket and thinks he's praying the person into Heaven. But if that person's "fryin' in sausage in Hell, the priest is not gonna be able to help him." Gary won't preach at your funeral if he's not sure of your testimony, even if it upsets the apple cart. "Ah never have preached over two hours amen." Gary ain't goin' through the tribble-ation. Gary won't have to worry about how fat he'll get in Heaven, and he'll eat all the banana pudding and Chahnese he wants. He's going to look just like Jesus, and hang out with his fellow mean preacher John the Baptist in the corner. Carl Lackey, Jack Woods - when they preached Hell, you could almost smell the brimstone. Ain't gonna be no friends (liquor, water) in Hell. 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+19%3A21-22&version=KJV

He didn't go to Hell because he had things, but because he wasn't willing to follow Jesus. Cars wear out. Houses need maintenance (Gary claims he has purchased houses, and rented, and actually did the maintenance - sure, Jan). People have given him things over the years, and now he doesn't even know where any of it isssss. Other people are depressed from watching CNN, Gary's doing everything he can to keep Trump in the White House, but he won't let it distract him from trying save people.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+16%3A23&version=KJV

"Lazaruth," of course. Gary does his usual rich man in Hell riff. Why he doesn't just read this verse every time he preaches, I don't know - he always talks about it. Fire  can burn you. He recommends Estus Pirkle's films. Being a good person, giving to the church, won't get you into heaven. Not only has he still not caught on about how the tadpole "joke" makes no sense, he almost reverses it, and starts to say "my social security number knows . . . "  You can't clean that fish until you catch it. Every story includes lots of names of towns and how he got there - where he was when anything happened is very important to Gary. He tells he story of the mother who pushed her kid to the altar and the pastor who told her she was saved. Of course, that church is now defunct, and Gary won't tell you which it is (so discreet). When Gary goes up North, he has to "deal with Catholics, and they're hard to deal with." He makes his "if they're Roman Catholics, they should take the Romans road" joke-like thing, and imitates them telling him how they take the wine and the wafer and do their little class every week, and that's how they get to Heaven. Gary got rid of religion and got salvation. He rattles off the medium-long version of his salvation - date, address, the fact that the service was over and everybody was gone - oh, we find out his family was ready to go out for seafood after church! He repeats the date and place again later, as well.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians+3%3A13-14&version=KJV

Wha try to pay for something that's already paid for - he does his routine about somebody paying for his meal, so why would he take his ticket and pay again. Old rugged cross, Jesus paid the price for you, etc.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james+1%3A26&version=KJV

"Wha would you choose religion over salvation.""Joyce Meyers" (who he hopes to God you're not listening to) can tell some good jokes - she said she was saved the day she was born. He makes some nasty comment about her age and looks, with "oh, mah Lord, ah'm glad ah don't gotta wake up to her amen." Of course she's going to Hell.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis+3%3A1-7&version=KJV

Wha would you choose a lah over the truth? These are not mah words, these are God's words. It's not Gary, it's God. He nocks Becky because her mind wanders when Gary's talking. You want doctors to tell you the truth, but people want preachers to sugar-coat it and tickle your ears (only Becky's allowed to do that to Gary, and she hates it when he says that, but he doesn't care). Salvation isn't easy, it isn't hard, it's simple - believing and receiving. There's no sinner's prayer in the bible.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A1-6&version=KJV

Wha not heaven? Streets of gold, fried fish from the river of life. Hell's an awful place, the rich man (again?). He goes on about how awful divorce is, and how it hurts children. The prodigal son left home because he hated the rules. A friend will try to get you to church, not offer you dope, liquor or worldly ungodly music.  Old rugged cross again, and the three nails didn't hold him up there - it was the love he had for you. All lives matter. In Hell, you'll hear all the Gospel tracts you ever read, over and over.

Well, he starts right in with the sheep and the goats being the saved vs. the lost.

Tonight, with the help of the Lord, he wants to preach owwwn Wha Choose Hayullll, When Heaven's Available?

He repeats verse 41, sending the ones on the left to the everlasting fire, the devil and his angels.

He gives them guilt about not passing out the church's flyers - he's been passing them out "and ah had to make somebody take one of 'em, amen!"

"Mah sister come up today, and was talkin' a little bit about her, about mah nephew and hey he's doin' well. Seven stitches for the picture of that vehicle amen? And ah'm tellin' you raht now the cop told them he . . . should . . . be . . . dead."

During his anti-Catholic rant, Gary goes off into a tangent about not calling a man Lord - I guess he thinks that's a Catholic title of some sort? Nope, Gary - British peerage - take it up with them, not the Catholic Church. He attempts a joke about how Sarah called Abraham Lord, but he can't get Becky to do it for him.

At a Catholic funeral, he says, "They can pray, they can do that Porgatory or whatever that word is."

Hmmm . . . Porgatory. Is that where Bess went when she died?

Gary says his grandmother died about seven years ago - Becky corrects him: "Nine." They repeat this twice, then Gary yell-tells us all about his grandmother's funeral, waving his arms in enormous arcs while bending and wandering and leaning. It seems that, after Daddy and Gary got saved, his grandmother still stuck with the church that had the lady preacher, until her death.

"She was buried in the Methodist church. Now, thank God, she had a good Baptist preacher to come in and give the Gospel. But she's a woman preacher which there's really no such thing, this is her territory, 'n' so she had to put her ten cents' worth in and ah seen it for the first tahm ah guess you would understand that Methodists did come out out that uhuh Catholic uh, whatever it is."

Pastor: "Mass."

Gary: "Yeah. An' ah seen that woman pray mah grandmother into heaven. Now awana say somethin' to ya, ah knew mah grandmother for quite a few years."

I just have to stop here to say NO SHIT! :roll:

"She had somewhat of a testimony, but then sometahms it was iffy."

Poor Gary - when he was a kid, I bet the neighborhood bullies taunted him with "Yer grandmother has an iffy testimony - neener, neener!"

Gary wanders away from the  (unfinished?) story of his grandmother's funeral to talk about someone who wanted him to pray someone into heaven, and a preacher friend who needed prayer because he agreed to do a funeral for "a 90-year-old Black man," then did some research and found out that, as far as anyone knew, the man had never set foot in a church.

Gary saw another wreck, and heard about another one, yesterday. Just to remind us that anyone can die, any time.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+7%3A22&version=KJV

"Wha would you tra to work your way into Heaven?" Gary says that thinking he'd earned Heaven would lead him to compete and boast in Heaven.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+6%3A24&version=KJV

Gary completely ignores what this passage is about - I wonder if he knows what "mammon" even refers to. Wha would you want hate over love. The devil's in our country today, he's in our politician world. Don't be jallus. What Gary says may sound like hate speech, but it's from Jesus, so it's love speech.

As he winds down, he says "'N' ah wanna say somethin' to ya - Gowd would not have put this on mah heart, if He didn't know some lost person was gonna be here, or if He didn't know some lost person was gonna listen through Facebook."

Gary gives us one last disgusting, gory description of what Hell will be like.

And, no, there is not one word in this message about helping people as something Jesus even suggests, let alone a way to not be in the goat group.

As ever, it's all about getting "saved" so you won't burn in Hell. Gary's a one-trick pony.

Hey, a song cue! No parody needed - Paul (not that one, this one) described Gary pretty well:

There's even mention of God and a testimony!

Edited by thoughtful
clarity
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1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

BGV: When  he - when he saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in. And are nekkid, and clothed thee. Or in when he saw we sick, we the sick, or when he saw we the sick or in prison, and came unto me.

Seriously, this verse is easier in modern English.Gary is lost in the "e"s.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

think Gary went to the bathroom. So, Mr. Every Minute in Church is Precious, you missed the prayer list

Well it's unimportant to Gary. Is anyone bring saved during it? Listening to him? Hanging on his every word? You can't expect him to preach with a full bladder now.

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Hmmm . . . Porgatory. Is that where Bess went when she died?

Poor Gary - when he was a kid, I bet the neighborhood bullies taunted him with "Yer grandmother has an iffy testimony - neener, neener!"

Thank you, @thoughtful!  I needed those laughs this morning.

To be honest, I kind of think of Gary as a no-trick pony.  He yells a lot about saving people from hell but he's not very convincing at even that.  Just from listening to him preach, I've already decided that I'd prefer sitting in any one of Dante's scorching circles rather than be stuck listening to Gar for an eternity.  Even John the Baptist will probably end up dumping a big bowl of nanner puddin' on Gary's head and stomping away.

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TacoBellKimmy

@thoughtful is just out here doing the Lord's work! I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you do. I've sat through too many sermons in my lifetime from preachers who were Gary-lite, but I've never heard anyone who is as batshit crazy as Gary-full flavor. 

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Is Gary's church services anywhere else other than on his fb page?

He blocked me ages ago after I said something about him. And a job. And laziness. Or something.

These reviews have me lol  and snorting and my husband keeps asking why?? But Gary's just to much to explain..like jrod

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10 hours ago, TacoBellKimmy said:

@thoughtful is just out here doing the Lord's work! I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you do. I've sat through too many sermons in my lifetime from preachers who were Gary-lite, but I've never heard anyone who is as batshit crazy as Gary-full flavor. 

Thanks! Multi-tasking helps. I play solitaire while half-listening, and go back if I hear something exceptional.

12 hours ago, Xan said:

Even John the Baptist will probably end up dumping a big bowl of nanner puddin' on Gary's head and stomping away.

I like to think John the Baptist has given up his camel hair robe and belt for a Speedo, and Gary will freak out at the sight of him. His diet will not have changed, though, and he will offer Gary locusts and wild honey, be really hurt when Gary turns them down, and not let Gary sit in his corner.

Wednesday evening service starts with Praise Him! Praise Him! It sounds like only the pastor, Jacob and a woman in the front know this one. Gary is asked to say the opening prayer again.

The prayer list includes Gary's Mom (because the pastor brought her up, not Gary), so we find out that she was operated on yesterday (somewhat graphic description under spoiler),

Spoiler

and they had to leave the wound open due to infections. They're hoping to close her up and send her home tomorrow.

Someone just found out their parents have Covid - they make sure to say they haven't been with them for three weeks. She says "My dad is stubborn as a mule - he said he ain't stayin' inside for 14 days." They all laugh.

A few requests later, someone calls out "Seems like this Covid's gettin' in more in families that you know." The pastor reassures that person that they "will be in careful prayer."

:wtf:

After a few more, the pastor forgets who he was going to mention next. He puts it this way: "The Lord just run acrost mah brain, but kept goin.'"

Jacob asks prayers for his cousin Daniel, with the cut above his eyebrow. The pastor asks prayers for "Mr. and Meers" somebody. Yesterday, I thought it was a first name but now I think "Meers" is how he pronounces Mrs. I have never heard anything like that before, and didn't find it anywhere online in articles or discussion about regional pronunciations.

Pastor does a long prayer (so Gary gets plenty of time to moan). He asks if anyone's children have ever "stumbled upon you on your knees." My inner Beavis and Butthead battle it out with my inner slapstick-imaginer.

"Daddies, if we can teach them football, and huntin' and fishin' and have not taught 'em to pray, Mamas, if you can teach the girls domestics, and haven't taught 'em to reach God, we've failed."

The Hawkinses sing The Great Judgment Morning. Gary comes to the lectern and says "Folks, we better do what we're gonna do now. It's about over with." He goes on about judgment and standing before God.

He says that has nothing to do with his message, he just felt it needed to be said. Gary, how could that have nothing to do with your message? You only preach one message - get saved so you won't burn in Hell.

Spoiler

July 11, 1999 - right at the beginning!  Lots of people are playing church. Church is essential, and it should be important. Covid took school, Sunday school and church away from kids, but "they" let them go Trick or Treatin'. If let your kids go Trick or Treating, you might be saved, but you ain't a Christian. Helloween, straight out of the pits of Hell. Ron Beatty. He's got family members, in laws and outlaws that need to be saved. The Lord's comin' and boy is He angry. Ya say "ah'm wicked?" Oh, yesssssss. Ya take yer halo off, ya ain't as good as ya think ya are. If you're watching on Facebook and are close enough to come there to church, God's gonna judge you. He reminds them that he preached on prepare to meet God the other day, and that people have died today. He tells a story about a lawbreaker who had no idea, when they left the house that morning, that they would be arrested - this time it's a car that got pulled over and had dope in it, not a shoplifter, but it's an old routine of his. Ah used to doubt mah salvation, now ah doubt a lot of other people's salvation. You'd better take your children to church. All of the above, and everything above the first Bible reading below, was before he ever got to his planned message.

People had things canceled for Covid, but Gary hasn't missed a day in church. Becky does his taxes, and his refund was late this year (he says he usually gets it in February), then the stimulus check was late, and they cheated him out of $250 - he says he wants to sue Uncle Sam (but Gary, I thought that was socialism and you didn't want it anyway). But his money came right on time (I know, that contradicts what he just said, but I think he means that, if it had come earlier, he would have spent it, and not had what he needed in May, to get back on the road). He tells the story of how the previous truck (which was free) broke down, and about all of the people (sent by God, of course) who paid for everything and gave him rides. He veers between softly cooing and screaming about how good God has been to him. He still thinks Donald Trump's going to win the election. He's not even sure he can get the words "President Joe Bahden" to come out of his mouth (um, they just did, Gary). But he's not gonna be the president, it's gonna be Miss Harris. He hates Walmarts, but he was just there. After announcing the next Bible reading, while they are turning pages, he always says "I'm just talkin' 'bout ___________(title of message). He still consistently says "verses" when he only names one verse, and spews all of the other usual sentence fragments and meaningless phrases.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+15%3A13&version=KJV

Jesus chose to lay his life down. Gary thinks they should bring back some of those punishments from Bible days, like beatings and hanging on a cross. He describes the tortures Jesus endured.  Jesus is like mercy walking in when you are on trial and the judge is just about to hit the table with his "little hammer."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+26%3A28&version=KJV

The NIV and other non-Bibles say that Jesus dropped or poured his blood - no, he shed his blood (wait, Gary - I thought you said they left out the blood altogether?). Jesus' blood is settin' with him - all of it. On July 11, 199, Jesus put his blood in Gary, and now Gary is part of a family of royalty. Jesus worshed his sins away.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+3%3A16&version=KJV

Gary coos and roars about how God gave his only son. John the Baptist's ministry was short, but not sweet, because he told the truth. Jesus told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Jesus gave - he said foxes had holes and birds have nests, ah have nowhere to lay mah head. Gary's got about eight horses under the hood of his truck, but Jesus rode a donkey or walked. Ah'm just talkin' about Jesus provin' Himself - He gave His only begotten Son so we could have eternal life (there it is again - it always makes me want to sing I'm My Own Grandpa). Ah don't have to go to church, ah get to go to church. He thinks God and Jesus eat Chinese food. Sometimes he preaches, and nobody gets saved, but sometimes people get incurraged. If you're not saved, it's your fault, not God's. On July 11, 1999, God told Gary he'd get in that day, or he wouldn't get in at all. You can do whatever you want with Gary's dead body, because he'll be in Heaven, looking at Jesus face to face. Even though he screams at  the top of his lungs about how he deserves to fry like sausage. It's not about Gary, it's about Jesus and the blood. Gary was blinded, but God shined the light on July 11. Gary don't like snow, he travels where it's not too hot or too cold. The prodigal son lost his friends when his checks bounced and his credit card was declined. He does the routine about the pigssss and what they eat.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+19%3A10&version=KJV

He screams about how his nephew could have died, but he only got seven stitches. Gary's had children "turn on him," he's had heartaches, but God and Jesus have been good to  him. Job, Job's wife, all ten kids dying.

"If shuttin' down means the Lord's comin', shut 'er down, baby. Lock 'er tight . I'll be the first one to lock it down."

He does five minutes of guilt-mongering before even reading from the Bible, and then ends it with something I couldn't quite understand, but I think he mocks people who tell him he's a negative (or ignorant - can't quite tell) person (so that's in stupid-people voice), then raises his arms and whispers what sounds like "I don't give a damn." If someone with better speakers (and/or ears) wants to check it, it's at 24:30ish.

Most of the rest of what he says is under the spoiler, since it's the usual shit. Ten minutes after he comes to the lectern, and almost a half-hour after the service started, he finally reads from the Bible. He announces John 1, starts reading, then realizes he wanted John 3.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+3%3A1-21&version=KJV

Nicodemus becomes Nicodemuth once, Gary throws in some comments, substitutes "you" for every "thee" and:

KJV: The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth:
BGV: The weeund bloweth where it listeneth, and thou heareth the sound thereof, but canneth not tell from whence it cometh, and whether it goeth:

KJV: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
BGV: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not have everlasting life.

Becky gets the gigglesnorts at this error. A woman in the front row, and a boy who looks to be about 10 (who I left out of the picture), turn around to join her in chuckling.

Spoiler

image.png.e7946567fa8265fa9b5f0d617fce479b.png

This woman has been visible to Gary's camera in several services, and I've often seen a sort of "wait, what? OK, gotta be polite, keep it together" look on her face. But I guess when the preacher gets the most important message backwards, and his own wife laughs, it's hard to keep it in.

KJV: But he that doeth truth cometh to the light.
BGV: But he that doeth  - he that doeth trust  cometh to the light.

Gary tells them he was doing his Bible reading and pre-message thinking in the car, waiting his turn to go into the hospital (to see his mother, I guess, although he doesn't say), and throws in some bitching and whining about how he can't understand why only one person at a time is allowed in, and how they're herding people around like a bunch of cows and he'll never get used to it amen.

With the help of the Lord, just for a little whahl, ah wanna preach owwwn How Jesus Proved Himself."

In Gary's stories about how God has sent people and money just in time to help him (most of which is under the spoiler), we find out that, when the free truck died, a man told him, on the phone, that he had to stop at the bank "and put out a loan on mah house" before he could pick Gary up for a meeting. When he hung up, Becky (Gary gets in some crack about how she's the smart one, or she thinks she is because she's from West Virginia haha) said the man was "'fixin' to borry money to help you buy a vehicle.' And that's exactly what he was doing. God's been good to me."

Yes, a person took out a home loan to buy Gary his current truck. And Gary only credits God.

Lots of crap about how he doesn't deserve it follows, of course.

"We may have health issues we may have problems, we have disappointments - that ain't got nothin' to do with God."

"God's proved hisself. And if you kin stand up right now and say that God hasn't proved to you, ah'd lahk t'see ya do it but ah'd be a little bit keerful, 'specially standin' in church. God might strike you down."

Gary: "How 'bout 1 John, chapter nine. Am ah makin' sense tonight?"
Jacob: "Oh, man." (he whispers to Becky) "1 John chapter . . . "
Becky (softly) : "Nine?"
Jacob (whispers): "There ain't no nine."
Becky (aloud, to Gary): "What chapter?"
Gary: "1 John, chapter 1."

Becky giggles, and the woman in the front row turns around to exchange a smile with her again.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+John+1%3A9&version=KJV

The difference between Jesus and the devil (and people) is that Jesus forgives and forgets. People and the devil forgive but don't forget. He roars on about forgiveness, and snarks about how Becky holds a grudge longer than anybody he knows, but jesus forgives.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+8%3A11&version=KJV

"The guys knew they was guilty, and they left real quick-like."

He roars: "We should  aaowl be trahin' to find chandeliers somewhere, and swingin' on 'em, just becowse of just. How. Good. God has been!"

Take a second to picture Gary swinging from a chandelier.

He announces Acts 8, reads it at the top of his lungs:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+8%3A11&version=KJV

Then mumbles "that's not what ah wanted."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts+9%3A3&version=KJV

God shines the light on you. If you hang a white sheet on a hanger and look at it from a distance, it just looks like a white sheet. But if you come closer, you can see the spots. That's  what Jesus does.

Such a beautiful analogy.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+15%3A20&version=KJV

Stop hangin' around dead people, critical people, negative people.

Gary exhorts them to come up when the pastor gives the altar call: "Ah promise you, if it ain't easy, you kin hit mah wife, amen."
Becky: "What?!"

Gary, I know the teacher-preacher trick of just making sure they're paying attention. That's not how you do it, you shit.

States may be lockin' down, but God's still in business - He's not lockin' down.

Gary tells us about a boil on his back, but Job had it worse. People will disappoint you, but Jesus never will.

 

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42 minutes ago, clese said:

Is Gary's church services anywhere else other than on his fb page?

Sometimes they are also on the Facebook page of whatever church he is haunting.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Charity Baptist Church/176625772695734/

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49 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Yes, a person took out a home loan to buy Gary his current truck. And Gary only credits God.

What. The. Actual. Hell. 

I do not understand why anyone would do that. Seriously, I understand people supporting John Shrader more - they're about 150-250 years out of date in their preconceptions of Zambia and the reach of Christianity, but at least I can see what they're thinking. 

Gary preaches to Americans. In America. From the exact same narrow branch of faith as him. He's not winning souls, he's not bringing Christianity to the heathen, he's just wandering around the east coast telling the same tired stories to the same people in one of the most heavily Christianised places in the world. 

56 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

KJV: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
BGV: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not have everlasting life.

And he can't even get one of the most quoted verses, in the KJV language even, right.  Along with "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want..*" which Gary probably mangled into pieces that included being eaten by wolves. 

Why on earth would you take out a loan to support this buffoon?!

*I had to back translate from whichever version is stuck in my head, so possibly slightly off. 

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EyesOpen

So... Becky gets that this is some sort of perverse theater? At least on some level? Girlfriend. Get some self respect. Neither of you nor poor poor Jacob are doing the actual Lord’s work or leading anyone to Christ. Your illiterate, ignorant, hateful husband just mangled like the quintessential salvation verse and it actually isn’t that funny. 

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19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Stop hangin' around dead people, critical people, negative people.

Dead people I can see hanging around Gary (ok, I'd be tempted to haunt him, particularly if I could also disable his trucks), but critical and negative people probably avoid him like the plague.

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary exhorts them to come up when the pastor gives the altar call: "Ah promise you, if it ain't easy, you kin hit mah wife, amen."
Becky: "What?!"

WTELF here Gary. You want to offer free punches then offer that people can punch you. I'm sorry but joking about allowing people to hit your wife is in pretty poor taste. 

Also you'd probably get more responses if you offered yourself, just saying.

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He roars: "We should  aaowl be trahin' to find chandeliers somewhere, and swingin' on 'em, just becowse of just. How. Good. God has been!"

Take a second to picture Gary swinging from a chandelier

I am sure that would spread your message of love and joy very effectively - providing you weren't sectioned.

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19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Daddies, if we can teach them football, and huntin' and fishin' and have not taught 'em to pray, Mamas, if you can teach the girls domestics, and haven't taught 'em to reach God, we've failed.

It took me two goes to work out what (beyond the gender stereotyping and the fact Gary can't even think of three activities that girls would be learning in his gender-rigid world) was niggling me about this. And it's that boys are being taught essentially recreational activities, while girls are being taught "domestics". Which are, in the main, not particularly recreational. Honestly if Gary had said something like "quilting, baking and softball" I would be less underwhelmed by this, but domestics to me sounds like cooking and cleaning. Which ok might be recreational, but are mostly work.

Also it strikes me that the boys at least need to know how to prepare the fish/game and cook it as well.

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On 11/20/2020 at 2:49 AM, Ozlsn said:

And he can't even get one of the most quoted verses, in the KJV language even, right.  Along with "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want..*" which Gary probably mangled into pieces that included being eaten by wolves. 

I remember Gary reading the 23rd Psalm once, but I can't remember if he mangled it badly. I'm pretty sure he made lots of errors. He quotes it often.

Today's post - if you've fallen and you can't get up, you should have Life Alert!

Spoiler

image.png.14983486eed37dd418555667e4eb168d.png

image.png.6f4ef52ae859dd69240db08a9362e92c.png

image.png.5cebb5307f0975991ae6ef883f6e1357.png

image.png.2623d5d5fc1a94cafecf86cb72f5e6f4.png

 

Thursday evening at Charity Baptist - the video starts while they are singing The Old Rugged Cross - Gary must be so happy.

Gary does the opening prayer, and seems a bit distracted by the pastor's reactions - now you know how it feels, G.

During the prayer list, the croaking pastor says he knows Covid is real, but the government is inflating the numbers. Becky's fellow-giggler in the front row asks prayers for their store, that has to be sanitized because an employee tested positive for Covid (no prayers for the person?).

The Hawkinses sing In My Father's Eyes.

Spoiler

Gary does his faux-modest shit about how people have driven many miles to hear him preach, and he doesn't know why. Some churches should shut down, especially if they're willing to bow down to Cooper. He's not mean, he's just honest, and if you think he's mean, wait until you meed God face-to-face amen. He blames people for having names he can't remember or pronounce. We're running out of time, we in the last daysssss. Olive(r) B. Greene said we in the last hourssss. Ah'm gonna be honest with you, we in the last secondssssss. There's a funeral home in town with your casket in it. It is appointed unto man once to dah. Noah was mowked for saying it would rain. Liquor will put you across the commode, peukin' your guts out. Gary tried weed twice, and nothing happened, because God didn't want him to like it. John the Baptist lost his head for telling Herod he shouldn't be with that woman. Gary still thinks that shooting up drugs with needles is a recent development. Gary has never met a real atheist, because all the people he's met who claim to be one use the expression "oh, God." God chastens those He loves, and He doesn't wait until Gary gets home from Walmarts to chasten him. Not only did Gary give up his soul on July 11, 1999, on November 13, 2012 ( he has to check with Becky), "ah give up mahself, to travel." He gave his life to God for other people. :roll: There's a hell to shun and a heaven to gain. The South used to be the Bible Belt, but now it's just the religious belt. If you don't preach the deathburialandresurrectionofourlord'n'savior, and sin, you're not a good church. God is "up there vomickin', peuking His guts out, because of what's happenin' in our churches today." When you quit goin' to Walmarts, "the liberries" , grocery stores, restaurants, gas stations, etc., "we can work own" using Covid as an excuse for not going to church. They was sayin' the only place you can get it is church, because "we Christians is just that bad, and we carry those vahrises awllll along the way." We're running out of toilet paper again - if there's not gonna be no food, you don't need toilet paper, amen! If people really believed this coronavahris lahk they're putting it out on TV, nobody would leave their house. :bangheaddesk: Larry Brown (who came out of Bobby Roberson's church), took an axe to a television.  WICKETNESS (unless you are watching videos of old-time preachers - Tony Hudson, Carl Lackey, Jim White, Jack Woods). He tells the story about the preacher who brought the bottle of mother's tears to her daughter. TODAY! Car wrecks. If Pelosi don't get saved, she's gonna split Hell wahd open. Ditto Cooper and "Como." You ain't gotta like 'em, but you gotta pray for 'em." Obama didn't do all the things he wanted because God didn't let him. When you read the word Jerusalem, three letters in the middle of it is U. S. A. Gary describes Hell in gory detail. We could all die any second, and, if not, we could all wake up in a home, deaf or blind. Brother Mike Stout is "bound to a wheelchair." The devil don't show you the after-effects of dope and liquor. People are depressed because they watch the news. There's nothin' good on the TV. Amish people are not depressed because they don't have television and don't know what's going on - Gary read this on Facebook.  You ought to be happy, because you're not going to Hell, and you get to come to church.

When Gary says "if you can, you're willin' and you're able, stand for the readin' of the word," the pastor looks into the congregation and pointedly says "If you're willin' and able. Brother - that includes you." to someone.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Acts+26%3A26-43&version=KJV

KJV: King Agrippa, believest thou the prophets? I know that thou believest.
BGV: King Agrippa believeth that the prophet ah know that thou  - ah know that thou believeth.

KJV: this man might have been set at liberty, if he had not appealed unto Caesar.
BGV: this man might have been set at liberty, if he had not appeared -  appealed unto siezure.

Paul wanted to defend himself, and we should all have that opportunity. "You know what the governors of our country are tryin' to do? Get us  to shut up."

Gary says the only good thing about winter is that people put more clothes on.

"With the help of the Lord, for just a little whahl, ah wanna preach on Why Not Tonight?

In his usual "we all could die anytime" shit, Gary is now including 250,000 that have died of Corona.

"We're not in that crowd that you're predistinated in the part that God chooses this one over this one, 'cause honey if he'da don't that ah prob'ly wouldn'ta bin in the crowd."

"Listen, hey, we're not livin' in apostle Paul days - them gone amen? Them went quite a few decades ago."

Gary talked to someone who is growing marijuana where it is legal. Gary started preaching to him, and the man said it should be used for "madison." But Gary informed him that "in Gowd's eyes it's wicked. He didn't lahk it very well, but ah didn't give a good flip, amen?"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalms+14%3A1&version=KJV

"God's got feelin's, just lahk you do."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+13%3A3-5&version=KJV

"Ah choose repentance over perishin'."

Gary says he hopes people have read all of the Biblical bumper stickers on his truck. He also has one that says "Build the wall and the crime will fall," and he's not taking it off no matter what happens in January - he may find a Trump sign and put in on there. A preacher told him to take the signs off of his truck because "we're fixin' to have a war, and it's called a religious war. Ah'm expectin' to git shot at, any tahm now. "

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms+101%3A3&version=KJV

Wicket stuff is TV, Facebook, HAYMEN! Computerssssss. . .  "Your heart's wicket. You're wicket."

After he left NY, "and ah was far away, and ah knew he couldn't get to me," Gary called Cuomo's office and left a message saying "Hey, thank you for allowin' me to spend mah summer spreadin' Jesus in New York."

"Ah got preachers think judgment's gonna be sweet pea and _____ (can't figure this out - sounds like "pown.")." Low, evil-sounding laugh. "That ain't what mah Bahble says. We gon' be judged for every hour."

Gary's going to challenge himself to read the whole Bible in December.

He looks at his notes for the next reading, and he has written down the verse, but not the book of the Bible. We hear a wheezy laugh and some whispering and page turning near the camera. Gary knows it was about not being guaranteed a tomorrow, but, if Becky and Jacob found the verse, they never speak up.

"Did ah tell the story 'bout J. Harold Smith here anytahm since ah been here?"
Someone (Becky?): "Yes."
Gary: "Good, ah'm gonna tell it again. Some'ya weren't here."

Stifled giggles. And yes, he tells the story of the girl who refused to be saved and burned to death in a car accident (that threw her saved parents safely clear of the car, of course) shortly thereafter, and how she split Hell wahd open.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+12%3A19&version=KJV

"It's not always party tahm."

In the following "get bah" means "get away with something."

"See, saved people don't get bah, amen amen amen.  If you're saved in here and you ain't never had a whuppin' amana tell ya raht now, you ain't saved."

God punishes the saved on this side, and the wicked on the other side. "The reason the gov'nment is gittin' bah with what they're doing, is because most of 'em ain't saved."

Screamed: "If the Lord was to let - hey, an' ah did say if the Lord lets Joe Bahden git in as president, of the Unahtid States, you. Are. To. Pray about him. You kin talk bad about him, you kin say how dumb he is, you kin say all kinda things you want about him, as long as you're prayin' for him. Amen?"

Well, that explains a lot.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+20%3A15&version=KJV

Gary thinks that, on Judgment Day, God will hand the book to people to show them their name is not in it. Will he also say "neener, neener," Gary?

"Ah'd make sure that ah knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Jesus Christ took his bloody pin and wrote mah name in that lamb's book of life because HEY! Hell just ain't worth it."

"Pin," BTW, is pen.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proberbs+3%3A5-6&version=KJV

Don't follow your flesh. Gary talks about how fat he got, and how it was his own fault. Then he goes on to blame Becky and Baptist churches who overfeed people.

Gary says they would have learned nothing if he'd come and talked about his own opinions, instead of what God told him. There is it - the "out" for any bullshit he spews.

He actually self-mocks about how much he talks about his diet. A teeny bit of self-awareness, Gary?

He says he's uncomfortable that he has followers on Facebook, who idolize him.

Something is going on that I can't see, that has Becky and some other people in stitches. Some of it may be some mugging the pastor is doing, but he's mostly hidden. I don't actually think it is an error Gary has made, but he says "You git up here and trah to preach, and see if you don't mess up, amen?"

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+19%3A1-5&version=KJV

Be like Zaccheus, get it settled. Do it now, because God will give up on you. God is a god of war, and "we the people of America" should be ready to fight.

They went to a restaurant, and "ah eat, Brother Bowman eat, Miz Bowman eat and  Jacob eat - mah wahf drinked." He tries to explain that that's due to her choice to lose weight, and to tie it to choosing to be saved - very awkward.

Salvation won't take away your mahgraine headaches, but you can talk to Jesus about them.

Tonight's the night - get saved. Or have sex with Rod Stewart.

 

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thoughtful
26 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

It took me two goes to work out what (beyond the gender stereotyping and the fact Gary can't even think of three activities that girls would be learning in his gender-rigid world) was niggling me about this

Actually, this was Pastor FrogInThroat - er, Bowman - it was before Gary started.

And yes, you are spot-on about the lack of thought that girls might like to learn fun things, as well as how to serve their men in the future.

1 hour ago, Ozlsn said:

WTELF here Gary. You want to offer free punches then offer that people can punch you. I'm sorry but joking about allowing people to hit your wife is in pretty poor taste. 

Also you'd probably get more responses if you offered yourself, just saying.

HAYMAYUN!

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Bluebirdbluebell
19 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

What. The. Actual. Hell. 

I do not understand why anyone would do that. Seriously, I understand people supporting John Shrader more - they're about 150-250 years out of date in their preconceptions of Zambia and the reach of Christianity, but at least I can see what they're thinking. 

Gary preaches to Americans. In America. From the exact same narrow branch of faith as him. He's not winning souls, he's not bringing Christianity to the heathen, he's just wandering around the east coast telling the same tired stories to the same people in one of the most heavily Christianised places in the world. 

And he can't even get one of the most quoted verses, in the KJV language even, right.  Along with "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want..*" which Gary probably mangled into pieces that included being eaten by wolves. 

Why on earth would you take out a loan to support this buffoon?!

*I had to back translate from whichever version is stuck in my head, so possibly slightly off. 

Zambia is also one of the most Christianized places in the whole word.  95% of their population are Christians. There is a ban on homosexuality in Zambia, because of how heavily Christian it is.  (Not just gay marriage, but gay relationships as well.) 

The US has more Christians, mainly because we have more people.  And lots of people have been leaving churches (understandably) like never before. So yes it would make sense to evangelize, especially if you think that your church is the only church that is right and all the other churchs are wrong.

I agree that Gary is not someone to bring people in, and enlarge the church. He doesn't seem to convert many people. I wonder if the people that give money realize how futile it is. 

I doubt John Schrader is converting many people in Zambia either though. John Schrader also has his kids to support, while most of Gary's kids aren't reliant on Gary, who has fewer kids. 

 

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11 minutes ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

I agree that Gary is not someone to bring people in, and enlarge the church. He doesn't seem to convert many people. I wonder if the people that give money realize how futile it is. 

The only message I get from Gary is anger.  He's pissed.  He is tapping into the TrumpWorld discontent and bitterness and he enjoys standing in front of people and yelling about how they're going to Hell.  He might not be able to get people to stop wearing bathing suits being nekkid at the beach but he can certainly enjoy thinking about those people roasting for an eternity.  He pretends that he's interested in saving souls.  I don't believe it.  He might want the gold stars in his crown for saving souls but Gary gets off on judgment.  He's better than everybody and people just don't appreciate him enough.  He has the answers!  Turn off your TV and read the KJV Bible!  Give your money to missionaries and evangelists!  Thank Gary for yelling at you about the dangers of Hell!

He's just another little man with an outsized ego.  If he'd been able to make a success of himself in the secular world, he wouldn't need to peddle religion.

Yeah.  Gary is on my nerves right now.  The nasty comments about Becky are bothering me more than they're appearing to bother Becky.

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12 minutes ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

Zambia is also one of the most Christianized places in the whole word

Oh I know. But these idiots still think it's like it was in the heyday of White Hero Missionaries - deepest, darkest Africa with no knowledge of Western Christianity. 

16 minutes ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

I doubt John Schrader is converting many people in Zambia either though

John usually manages to convert people but they last a couple of years at best before seeing him for the bigoted, conceited, arrogant, ignorant blowhard that he is. 

18 minutes ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

So yes it would make sense to evangelize, especially if you think that your church is the only church that is right and all the other churchs are wrong.

Except Gary's version of that is handing out tracts door to door and then praising himself among like-minded people. Neither he nor John really achieve much, unsurprisingly. 

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

After he left NY, "and ah was far away, and ah knew he couldn't get to me," Gary called Cuomo's office and left a message saying "Hey, thank you for allowin' me to spend mah summer spreadin' Jesus in New York."

You say Jesus, I say covid...

Also show us how very ready you are for martyrdom there Gary, wait till you get out of state to leave stupid phone messages.  

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Gary's going to challenge himself to read the whole Bible in December.

He's going to fail.

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Bluebirdbluebell
2 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

Oh I know. But these idiots still think it's like it was in the heyday of White Hero Missionaries - deepest, darkest Africa with no knowledge of Western Christianity. 

John usually manages to convert people but they last a couple of years at best before seeing him for the bigoted, conceited, arrogant, ignorant blowhard that he is. 

Except Gary's version of that is handing out tracts door to door and then praising himself among like-minded people. Neither he nor John really achieve much, unsurprisingly. 

Racist ignorance is hardly a good reason to support a ministry. Nor does it make sense in the time of google. It makes just much sense to sponsor a ministry in the US as it does in Zambia. 

The undertones of foreign ministry are why I despise most forms of foreign missions. 

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1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

See, saved people don't get bah, amen amen amen.  If you're saved in here and you ain't never had a whuppin' amana tell ya raht now, you ain't saved

He's quite obsessed with beating people, isn't he.

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

"If the Lord was to let - hey, an' ah did say if the Lord lets Joe Bahden git in as president, of the Unahtid States, you. Are. To. Pray about him. You kin talk bad about him, you kin say how dumb he is, you kin say all kinda things you want about him, as long as you're prayin' for him. Amen?"

How about you just pray for him quietly and STFU the rest of the time?

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

A preacher told him to take the signs off of his truck because "we're fixin' to have a war, and it's called a religious war. Ah'm expectin' to git shot at, any tahm now

Nah Gary, I think your truck's more likely to be keyed or have the tires let down. 

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14 hours ago, Bluebirdbluebell said:

Zambia is also one of the most Christianized places in the whole word.  95% of their population are Christians. There is a ban on homosexuality in Zambia, because of how heavily Christian it is.  (Not just gay marriage, but gay relationships as well.) 

The US has more Christians, mainly because we have more people.  And lots of people have been leaving churches (understandably) like never before. So yes it would make sense to evangelize, especially if you think that your church is the only church that is right and all the other churchs are wrong.

Yep. Gary and Shrader have this in common. In fact, they both are uncomfortable with the usual names of the tradition they are supposedly from. Shrader has some wordy way he describes his preaching (I can't remember it at the moment), and Gary does his "Independent Fundamental? Some them ain't so independent, and they more funny-mental than fundamental, ah like to say Bahble-believin' church" routine.

It doesn't matter how huge the Christian majority is in any area of the world, or even if those Christians are mostly Baptists - even Independent Fundamentalist Baptists. Preachers like these two have a very specific, narrow definition of what people have to do to be saved and live right, they think it's directly from God, and feel they must preach it.

Gary's is shared, mostly, by the people in the churches he invades, but he loves to preach about how some of the saved still aren't doing right, by his - er, excuse me, God's - standards.

14 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Also show us how very ready you are for martyrdom there Gary, wait till you get out of state to leave stupid phone messages.  

I know - you tipped your hand there about what a coward you really are, Gary. I thought you were willing to go to jail, like Paul and Silas, or even to the electric chair, for your faith.

Gary prays the stir will continue. :confusion-shrug:

Spoiler

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Wonder if Barbara is any relation to Bobby.

Spoiler

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Gary, I think Eddie wants a turkey, not your preaching.

Spoiler

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Black Aliss
On 11/19/2020 at 10:45 PM, thoughtful said:

Yesterday, I thought it was a first name but now I think "Meers" is how he pronounces Mrs. I have never heard anything like that before, and didn't find it anywhere online in articles or discussion about regional pronunciations.

I think that's how a barely literate person, confronted with "Mrs." would try to pronounce it, because he'd expect the honorific for a married woman to be spelled "Missus".

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Black Aliss
18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary talked to someone who is growing marijuana where it is legal. Gary started preaching to him, and the man said it should be used for "madison." But Gary informed him that "in Gowd's eyes it's wicked. He didn't lahk it very well, but ah didn't give a good flip, amen?"

Gary, Gary, Gary. Read Genesis 1:29:

And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

God made cannabis and told us to use it. Just not sensimilla--that's wicked.

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