Bro Gary Hawkins 14: Ween, glorious WEEN!

[Xan]

21 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Becky is at it again, posting "it's OK because it's history and it benefited one black person" shit:

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It takes a powerfully racist mental agenda not to see why this screed pretty much demonstrates why continuing to use the image and name is problematic.

Not to mention there's no need for pearl-clutching about "destroying history," since whoever originally wrote this found all of this information, probably in about 2 seconds on the Internet.

Only one comment, so far:

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Gary posted a silly riddle, and still managed to get a sexist comment. What lovely people they hang out with.

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It also takes all of about two minutes on Google to disprove Becky's whole argument.  There's no proof that Nancy Green "died a millionaire".  She had no "lifetime contract".  Her family actually attempted to get money that they feel she was owed from Quaker Oats but lost the case.  Her grandsons felt that she was "exploited and abused".  

At one point, someone made and sold a set of paper dolls for "Aunt Jemima's family"  The paper dolls were dressed shabbily but there was also a set of paper clothing to show how much better they dressed after her success.  I'm not linking to it because it was utterly disgusting.  And, even though she was at the World's Fair in 1893 demonstrating the pancake mix, in 1910 she's still listed as a "housekeeper" on the census.  

Becky continues to follow Gary down through the creepier edges of white supremacy.

 

[nelliebelle1197]

I had to avoid this thread because the ween stuff just grossed me out too much! But @samurai_sarah is evil and drew me back in with the thread title.

[thoughtful]

11 minutes ago, Xan said:

It also takes all of about two minutes on Google to disprove Becky's whole argument.  There's no proof that Nancy Green "died a millionaire".  She had no "lifetime contract".  Her family actually attempted to get money that they feel she was owed from Quaker Oats but lost the case.  Her grandsons felt that she was "exploited and abused".  

Thank you. I didn't even think to go look up the actual history, but am not surprised to find that out.

 

1 minute ago, nelliebelle1197 said:

I had to avoid this thread because the ween stuff just grossed me out too much! But @samurai_sarah is evil and drew me back in with the thread title.

Stick around! If Gary posts a ween picture, I, for one, promise to put it under a spoiler with a warning.

[thoughtful]

Facebook-addicted Gary was live again, in the truck, tapping and talking.

He wants to tell us about his "stalker." She tells him how to wear his hat and glasses.

"Ah think it's a girl but ah'm not for sure. Y'know it's hard to tell whenever the world has gone crazy."

He's out with Becky because she has a doctor appointment. He prefers being on the road because, when he's in NC, he runs all around in circles and ends up at the same place, but, on the road, he gets to see different places.

Yes, Gary - it's called having a home and being an adult. Why you think it's exotic and exciting to run errands to Walmart, fast food places, and Goodwill in other states, rather than North Carolina, is beyond me.

The government is making up stupid rules, and none of it makes any sense whatsoever.

Gary refused to follow the rules to wear gloves at a buffet restaurant, but Becky always makes his plates anyway ("it ain't somethin' ah make her do, it's somethin' she wants to do"), and gloves are stupid because you're breathing on the food anyway, and you have to touch the gloves with your bare hands to put them on.

He starts to tell us something about what they're doing in public schools, but gets distracted haymening and hallelujahing about how his kids are homeschooled, and drifts back to talking about gloves: "yer suffocatin' yer hands."

"Gary Hawkins ain't goin' anywhere where he has to wear a mask."

"Ah haven't found in the Bahble where the Bahble says for us to wear masks. 'N' ah'm talkin' 'bout the King James Bahble."

What a shock.

The Bible says to put blinders on, to keep your eyes on Jesus, but "that's not coverin' up to where ya cain't breathe, tryin' ta kill ya, so."

Several minutes of saved on July 11, 1999, if the Lord tarries his comin' but it's OK if He comes right this second, it's not Joe Biden or Nancy Pelosi's fault, but the people of God, cut the TV cord, etc., and a richly-snotty snort.

"There was enough fornication on Andy Griffin to send a lot of people to Hell."

Spoiler

The Devil made the smart phone, so we're looking down. Gary acts out someone looking down and swiping up on a phone, and says "Strolling, strolling."

Gary, if you mean that people are not watching where they're going while walking (or driving!), I'm with you. But I think you mean "scrolling."

Someone sent him a video showing how the mask makes your oxygen level go down, and he struggles to describe it.

"Seizure" makes another appearance, and he rambles on incoherently, in fragments, defensive and pouting at imaginary enemies, for another four minutes.

"We better pray that God gives us mercy, or just gits us outta here be allraht with me."

He asks for prayers that they get to Maine (for a revival starting on July 5) with no problems, because "New York has come up with some kinda rules, that, uh (snotty sniff) if you been to certain states, uh, that you, um, s'posed to be korintined for two weeks, and so ah'll tell 'em ah done been korintined, ah gotta go."

Yeah, that'll work.

 

[wallysmommy]

Suffocating your hands???  I think the only thing suffocated are Gary's brain cells.  I'm still confounded by these churches who continue to invite him back year after year.  What is wrong with these people?

[PumaLover]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"There was enough fornication on Andy Griffin to send a lot of people to Hell."

The Devil made the smart phone, so we're looking down. Gary acts out someone looking down and swiping up on a phone, and says "Strolling, strolling."

Gary, if you mean that people are not watching where they're going while walking (or driving!), I'm with you. But I think you mean "scrolling."

Again with Andy "Griffin?" I never even watched it and I know it's Andy Griffith. And what is that, from the 50s? Y'all are right that he needs some more recent references.

And the Devil made the smart phone–OK. Gary, I'm pretty sure you are on your smart phone more than I am during the day, and you're trying to tell us what a Godly and righteous Christian you are. I only read FJ on my desktop computer, so therefore I am more Godly than you are.

Side note, I finally had a Bro Gary dream! I read way too much FJ before bed because I dream about fundies more than I would like to! In my dream, I was in the hospital and had just had a baby, which is weird because I got my tubes tied about 10 years ago. The hospital was being attacked and bombed outside and I was trying to find my way back to my room, and I saw Bro at a vending machine. He bought a big bottle of juice and started drinking it and walking along next to me. He was friendly, not screaming like in his videos, but I couldn't get him to stop talking to me. I don't know who I was with but we were trying to secretly film him so I could share here. (Yes, I might have an FJ problem). I kept trying to politely break away but I couldn't. Finally I said we had to go and we walked away and finally he went on.

I kinda feel like that's how he would be in real life.

[PopRox]

I like how he's ranting against the eeeeeebils of Facebook and smart phones... on a Facebook live video... which I presume was recorded on a smartphone (or tablet).

Too bad the KJB doesn't provide the definition of "irony."

[thoughtful]

44 minutes ago, PumaLover said:

Again with Andy "Griffin?" I never even watched it and I know it's Andy Griffith. And what is that, from the 50s?

The Andy Griffith Show ran from 1960-68, then there was a Griffith-less spin off until 1971 - all before Gary was born. Even when being shot and shown in first run, it was supposed to evoke an old-fashioned, nostalgic feeling. That, and the fact that it was in black and white for much of its run, may be why it seems older.

I think Gary's references come from a combination of having been sheltered from the stuff his own generation was enjoying when he was growing up, and having memorized bits of sermons from people he idolizes, who were preaching against 1950s-60s TV. I think he still watches videos of old-time preachers frequently.

I imagine that even hardcore evangelicals of his acquaintance roll their eyes at the idea that this was "FORNICATION!" But, since he specifically mentioned Barney and Thelma Lou, I would imagine this is what disgusts poor, pure Bro Gary:

 

I was never an Andy Griffith watcher, but I've seen a few episodes, and yelling "Citizen's arrest!" in our best Gomer Pyle impression whenever we saw someone make a u-turn was a running joke in my family.

Fun fact - the set was used for some other things, including two episodes of Star Trek. MeTV ran with that, and made a very cute ad:

And that is the end of today's lesson in 1960s TV. There will be a quiz. Next week - spies. The Man From UNCLE, Mission Impossible, The Avengers, The Prisoner, and I Spy (back when we first were fooled into thinking Bill Cosby was a nice guy).

 

[Xan]

Gary might not mention his mother's dialysis or discuss his daughter's wedding but he wants everyone on Facebook to know that it's the Truckaversary.  God gave him a F350 truck a year ago and it's still running fine.  Priorities.

Spoiler

 

[Four is Enough]

happy truckaversary!

We ain't taken care of it at all, it don't need oil, it still got a little rubber on the tahres, it jerks and hops ever now and agin, but when she goes, the Lahd will give us another one, because KJB..

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

We ain't taken care of it at all,

Actually, I think Gary does take care of the truck, as much as Gary is capable of being responsible for anything. He often includes the truck in his messages, and even he seems aware that it could, as Steve Maxwell would say, become an idol.

Of course, he grifts and bargain-hunts for parts, and makes his brother do the work.

Becky posted:

Spoiler

Now, why do I have my doubts that the bible verse was the only thing in there?

 

[thoughtful]

Mask? Singular? Capitalized?

Spoiler

 

The doctors do need patience, Gary, especially when dealing with assholes like you. And I don't know about you, but my knees don't own anything.

Sarah Anne tries again:

Spoiler

Sarah, when a toddler is having an irrational tantrum, there's not much you can do. But thanks for giving it a try.

[AmazonGrace]

Early Christians got crucified and these people are suffering because people want them to cover their spithole.

[wallysmommy]

Nice to know Preacher Lackey was around in the early 14th century when the phrase originated.  He's a walking miracle -- but not quite as old as Methuselah. 

Gary, just think you could wear a mask with a Bible verse on it and everyone you come in contact with would see it.  You wouldn't even have to hand them a tract.

[keepercjr]

43 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Mask? Singular? Capitalized?

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The doctors do need patience, Gary, especially when dealing with assholes like you. And I don't know about you, but my knees don't own anything.

Sarah Anne tries again:

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Sarah, when a toddler is having an irrational tantrum, there's not much you can do. But thanks for giving it a try.

I legitimately wanted to message Sarah and tell him that he isn't worth her time.  He doesn't care about anyone but himself.  I'm not about to interact with anyone but it sure was tempting

[Ozlsn]

On 6/26/2020 at 4:49 AM, thoughtful said:

Yep. Of course, Gary is so inarticulate that he takes forever to get there, and sounds like he is actually saying the opposite for a while, but, yes, he thinks it's all the media trying to make Republicans look bad.

"This thing will not be over until November the 4th."

He is going to be so surprised to learn on Nov 5th that the virus causing the global freaking pandemic does not in fact care about the results of the US elections, assuming they goes ahead. Or the results of any election actually. As to the media trying to make the Republicans look bad - they're achieving that all by themselves just fine, the media is just reporting on it. 

[FunDeeLite]

Why is Bro Gary so opposed  to wearing a mask?  If I remember correctly Moses had to wear a mask after he was in God's presence at the top of Mt. Sinai.

[thoughtful]

14 hours ago, FunDeeLite said:

Why is Bro Gary so opposed  to wearing a mask?  If I remember correctly Moses had to wear a mask after he was in God's presence at the top of Mt. Sinai.

Well, the KJV says it was a veil (excuse me - vail), which is a whole other thing!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+34%3A33-35&version=KJV

Quote

33 And till Moses had done speaking with them, he put a vail on his face.

34 But when Moses went in before the Lord to speak with him, he took the vail off, until he came out. And he came out, and spake unto the children of Israel that which he was commanded.

35 And the children of Israel saw the face of Moses, that the skin of Moses' face shone: and Moses put the vail upon his face again, until he went in to speak with him.

Becky has been anti-masking again on Facebook. First, fake ADA info:

Spoiler

With a topping of conspiracy theory:
 

Spoiler

 

 

I googled - the Denver airport murals have been part of conspiracy theories since they were painted. I didn't find this image anywhere in them, though. So I googled some more. It is (of course) a recent painting. It's called "Mask Communication, with a positive and hopeful message.

Becky, you're an ass.

 

 

Edited June 28, 2020 by thoughtful
getting rid of extra image

[AmazonGrace]

Becky, if you fear the masks so much you are REALLY going to hate the ventilator. 

[TeddyBonkers]

The Denver airport is crazy all the way around, from "Blucifer" the horse that killed its designer to the gargoyles in baggage claim. Gary would lose what little mind he had walking around there for 10 minutes. 

[thoughtful]

Gary was live at Missions Baptist Church in Walkertown NC this morning.

At the beginning of the video, the pastor is preaching. It's mostly inaudible because Gary, right near his phone, constantly calls out in response - "amen, that's right, no sir, yes sir, ohhhh God, mmm hmm, yep, it's so, that's 'zackly raht, all the time," etc.

The male Hawkinses go to the piano (Becky was already there), and Gary starts telling the congregation his upcoming itinerary.

"Ah'm gonna go hang out with some real Yankees, and uh, real Democrats amen, (laugh) ah may be in jail before ah get out."

Becky: "Pray we don't get quarantined drivin' through."

They sing. I fast-forwarded.

When they come back to their pew, Gary is in view of the camera. He fidgets and scratches and shifts constantly, and calls out answers to the pastor some more.

The pastor compliments the Hawkins' singing. The pastor sings, and we find out why he thinks they sound good. I fast-forwarded.

After a congregational hymn, Gary comes up to preach, and talks about his recent travels, then "Far as this socialism mess, if you notice that uh uh uhuhuh, which one was it dropped out not too long ago . . . "

Becky: "Bernie."

"Bernie - we was two weeks into socialism, 'n' he dropped out - he couldn't even handle it."

Gary tells this with the relish of someone who stole a hysterical joke from someone else and can't wait to repeat it. He gets a loud laugh, but it sounds like only a few people.

He does his usual Covid spiel, including Christians insulting one another, he doesn't throw rocks, etc.

Before God instituted church, he instituted the family, so "once in a while, ah just have to stop what ah'm doin' for the Lord - not as far as worshippin' God - but just to go away once in a while, with mah family amen so uh, but uh, so much for the advertisement. Matthew chapter 11."

We get the usual "don't get between Baptists and their food" joke (he tries another one almost every time he asks them to turn pages in the Bible), and Gary tells us he hasn't eaten since last night, but he'll make it.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+11%3A1-6&version=KJV

As ever, Gary sort of reads what it says, but not quite. The best moment is when he reads "the lepers are cleansed" as "the leopards are cleansed."

Spoiler

 

Nothing nicer than a clean leopard!

It seems Gary's theme is people wondering where Jesus is when all of these bad things are happening, and why he doesn't stop them, but, as ever, his route there is weird and convoluted.

Everything gets blamed on Christians "Mr. Cooper said 'well, we wouldn't have this vahris if it wasn't for Christian people,' amen?"

Very belligerent: "You that are wearin' masks, listen to me. Ah have no problem with that, amen."

He goes on, yelling, about how his Mama has to wear one to go for her dialysis, he's not making light of this thing, "but that mask is not gonna be the issue, amen. The issue is that they're tryin' to take control."

Gary goes into his routine about liberal politicians (all of whom are going to burn in Hell) not being the source of the main problem, but Christians who made church unessential long before the virus are, citing the video he likes from "the black preacher."

As for Trump: "Ah haven't seen a clear uh uh a clear testimony, ah'm not sure he's saved, and ah sure would hate for mah president to go to Hell, as good as he's trahd to help America. Amen."

Lots of "Where is God?" bellowing. God is hardening people's hearts, just like He did with Pharaoh.

"Y'know people wants to talk about listen hey 'n' ah'm gonna tell ya these things ain't good, but hey they took the prayer outta public school, they took uh they have took the tin commandmints out the courthousssse (dramatic pause), but a lot of people have kicked Jesus out of the churchhouse."

Gary likes Trump so much he hopes "his wife runs here pretty soon amen. HAYMUH!" But the solution isn't Trump - it's prayer!

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+24%3A6-7&version=KJV

We get some very loud bellowing about alkeehol and Jesus being alive and not having any issues, his Daddy's Sunday school, the Mexican people who crawl over concrete (with their "breecher legs tore up, bleedin' to death") to a statue of Mary, "that ain't even real."

He tells us about his taxes again, saying they are usually done by 1/29, and he usually gets and has spent his refund (which he calls his "tax money") by the end of March. This year he didn't get it until the end of April. "Ya say why was that? Because God knew I was going to donate it."

I remember you donating it to your truck, trips to "Walmarts," fast food places, and having teeth pulled, Gary.

God makes sure Gary gets enough to eat.

Gary goes into full preacher-orgasm mode, and the congregation is right with him.

Spoiler

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A16&version=KJV

Full orgasm again, about the comforter, and a great narcissistic slip of the tongue: "When mah wife cain't comfort me, He comforts me. When ah cain't comfort mah wife, He comforts me."

What's wrong with this country is that "nobody believes nothin' but a lie."

I agree, Gary - like the lies you and Becky believe without checking and repost on Facebook.

Gary says people don't like Donald Trump because he speaks his mind. Well, actually Gary, I think it's the shitballs that pass for thoughts in that mind that are the problem.

He proudly quotes Jacob's telling him that he's never "played their games"  - this is the second message in which he's done this.

Gory deaths of ancestral Christians are listed.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews+8%3A1&version=KJV

Gary reads "majesty" as "majestry." Sounds like a sort of royal legal thing - a mash-up of majesty and magistrate.

Gary bellows about Jesus being in Heaven, ready to jump out of his seat to come blow the horn.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+14%3A3&version=KJV

Gary wants his mansion, not a cabin. Gary's stayed in some pretty nice places, but his mansion in Heaven will not have any problems with "these rats or these hornets or whatever you wanna call it that goes into wood and destroys it."  Do you mean termites, Gar? Oh, and the air conditioner in his heavenly mansion with always work.

Gary, make up your mind about whether you will still have your body in Heaven, will ya?

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew+11%3A28-30&version=KJV

Gary manages to fuck this one up royally, saying "learn - lean - learn upon me" and "ye shall find rest in my soul."

He says Joe Biden said "a hundred and some million people died from this mess."

But of course, it doesn't matter, because all that matters is whether everybody is saved and going to Heaven.

He tells his story about calling the CEO of Chik-fil-a to ask if "it's" true. He doesn't say what - apparently they are supposed to read his mind (he was asking whether they support BLM, but I only know that because he's mentioned it before). Gary gets very solemn, and tells us he won't apologize for being white, and he also won't apologize for giving gospel tracts to all the different races.

So brave.

"Ah'm not racis' until they put racis' in me. It's their fault most people are racis' because they're pushin' that race."

He gives out Spanish tracts, he gives out Chahnese tracts because he wants to make sure there are people in Heaven to cook Chahnese food for him. Big laugh.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=luke+19%3A10&version=KJV

He actually gets through those 16 words.

"Ah wanna say somethin' to ya - if people wanna talk about bein' prejudiced, there's a lot of people prejudiced 'gainst Jesus. Amen."

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Thessalonians+4%3A13-15&version=KJV

Read with several errors, of course.

"Jesus is right where we left Him. Jesus didn't walk off. See, even His people, the Isrilites, He said He came unto His own, and His own received Him not. Y'say what s'at mean? They walked away from Him. That give us as Gentahls an opportunity to be saved. How many of us have done exactly what they done, and walked away."

It's the Last Days (still?!) and they are the forerunners for Jesus.

Hinting for your next grifted vehicle, Gary?

https://www.caranddriver.com/toyota/4runner

 

Edited June 28, 2020 by thoughtful
riffles, as ever

[wallysmommy]

So when my sister-in-law washes her favorite print (leopard) does that mean the leopards are cleansed?  I'll have to let her know washing her clothes is biblical.

[Indebtandinpants]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 

He gives out Spanish tracts, he gives out Chahnese tracts because he wants to make sure there are people in Heaven to cook Chahnese food for him. Big laugh.

Not only is this horrifically racist, it is unbelievable that Gary is thinking ahead to what he can grift from other people and how other people can do work for him even after his death. 

[thoughtful]

The air conditioning in that church must be powerful, for Gary to be so bundled up (but no mask, of course).

I actually like that jacket of Gary's, but it always triggers a "who wore it better" moment in my mind:

Spoiler

 

 

 

[PumaLover]

OK folks, I'm a little behind due to trying to keep up with the Rods, but I'm behind there also. 

Since January, I've been working on decluttering my house (Joshua Becker, Becoming Minimalist, and the Uncluttered course). I didn't finish it the first time around so I'm taking it again. If you were to see my house at this moment you would think I failed both courses, but I've really really gotten rid of a lot of stuff. (My non-running 4 Runner is stuffed with things to take to donation as soon as we get it fixed).

I was putting away dishes the other night and realized we have way too many damn cups, so I made this sign and stuck it to the cabinet. Just today I noticed that my husband added something to it. I think I talk about fundies way too much. 

Spoiler

We have too many cups. The chicken wine glass is mine and the Trump mug is definitely NOT mine, but Bro would love it!