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samurai_sarah

Bro Gary Hawkins 14: Ween, glorious WEEN!

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forgetmenow
20 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Lots of the usual, including the tadpoles, Lazarus and the rich man, God gave him his truck, religion will send you to Hell, volcanoes mean that Hell is expanding, the guy who wouldn't give up his one beer a day, and the person who claimed Becky's grandmother was ridin' around in Heaven with Burt Reynolds (whose name he can't come up with - he just says "onenem movie stars").

(Bolding mine) Just when I thought Gary couldn't shock/dismay me any longer... this elicited a genuine, awed whisper of "Ohhhh my goodness."

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Dana723
Quote

This is a fundraiser for Autumn. Here's her story: I'm raisin money to bring my kids home..

Good grief!  Her grasp of English is almost as good as Gary's!  I need to think up some raisin puns though.

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forgetmenow
27 minutes ago, Dana723 said:

Good grief!  Her grasp of English is almost as good as Gary's!  I need to think up some raisin puns though.

Maybe she's a vineyard heiress.  Back in the day you had old oil money, old railroad money... she's descended from old raisin money.

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Don'tlikekoolaid
Posted (edited)

OK Folks, I may be wrong but I do believe Bro has Weens right there in the truck.  Rascal is eyeing the weens,  but somehow I don’t think Gary is going to share.  Have Weens, Will Travel!

Spoiler

51D8ADA3-9C47-4C24-B413-17B716C0C044.jpeg.e0eb24b95284911be85ad26fa2407113.jpeg

 

Edited by Don'tlikekoolaid
Wrong spelling

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thoughtful
Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, forgetmenow said:

(Bolding mine) Just when I thought Gary couldn't shock/dismay me any longer... this elicited a genuine, awed whisper of "Ohhhh my goodness."

Yes - it needs to do so periodically because so many people are going there that they need more room, and that's why volcanoes erupt. Gary believes this.

@Xan - yep, Jacob, Caleb and Michaela are Gary's kids.

Gary had him some lobster, and it was good. I will spare you the pictures. That's some high-class griftin' (I know, it's cheaper in Maine, but still).

Tonight's first hymn is Who Can Cheer the Heart Like Jesus. So positive, so cheerful - no war or blood! Yay!

Second hymn is Are You Washed In the Blood of the Lamb. I knew it couldn't last.

Then, Whoever Heareth, Shout, Shout the Sound. Like Gary needs any encouragement.

One more! Christ, Our Redeemer, Died on the Cross. Lots and lots of blood in this one.

Gary mostly speaks quietly tonight, with no Bible reading, and with lots of familiar stuff - get saved, there's a casket waiting for you in a funeral home nearby, he's not skeered for himself, but he's nervous for the unsaved, etc.

Gary says that one of these days, the trumpet blows, "the truck blows up, ah git in a bad accident, it kills me, ah'm outta here."

Poor Jacob, having to hear this shit.

"Joyce Meyers said the day she was born, she was born agin. 'N' that's not even possible."

Gary knows the rules - don't mess with him.

"Y'know, uhuh 'n' they say that, in some of these religions that we got, when people get saved, they are lit'rally thrown out of the family. Well, ah'm jus' gonna let ya know somethin', God's family is a whole lot better than some thangs - some family members amen."

He tells a horrible story from one of the old-time preachers he reveres, J. Harold Smith. Smith claimed God told him to speak to directly to a teen in his audience (yes, Gary said "audience" - oops) and tell her it was her last chance to be saved. She rejected him, and died in a gruesome accident on the way home.

"Ah'm sure some of you listen to the news today, there's so much junk goin' on today, listen ah'm gonna tell ya raht now. They just come in your house, they just come in your house 'n' blow yer brains out."

We find out that Jacob cooked the lobsters.

Gary warns us a few more times about people who aren't saved who suddenly find themselves dead, just in case you didn't get the message.

The whole thing sounds vaguely threatening, and, although he claims he "ain't got nobody in mind,"  feels like it was aimed at someone specific. Think the pastor told him about someone whose salvation he doubts?

When Gary is done, the pastor continues in that quiet manner, warning them that they need to be sure before they leave that they are not on the way to Hell. I think he really wants someone to come, running and weeping, to the front of the church, and, when nobody does, he says they can come to him privately. Then he moves on to announce a final hymn, but says "And I hope you're not making a mistake" just before the video ends. 

:shock:

Both of them remind me of movie gangsters. "Nice eternal soul ya have there - be a shame if something happened to it."

OK, folks, it's "erev" Gary's salvation anniversary. I am so glad I have those weens that were delivered by accident, since I don't usually buy hot dogs. Shall we just celebrate off and on all day, as we visit FJ?

Edited by thoughtful
riffle
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thoughtful
1 hour ago, forgetmenow said:

Maybe she's a vineyard heiress.  Back in the day you had old oil money, old railroad money... she's descended from old raisin money.

Sounds like the premise of the parody series Fresno!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090435/

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forgetmenow
3 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

Sounds like the premise of the parody series Fresno!

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090435/

How did I never hear about that show?  Charles Grodin, Teri Garr, Carol Burnett??? 

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AmazonGrace
10 hours ago, Xan said:

I don't understand how Becky has gotten involved in this at all.  From what's available online, it doesn't appear that Autumn has "found Jesus" or anything.  She does appear to have tried to start a bunch of fundraisers but never ended up with much.  Maybe Becky just has sympathy for anyone who has lost custody of their children.  It just makes me wonder exactly what the story is with Becky and her children.  How does she still have Jacob?  And how could she choose Gary over her children (assuming that's what she did)?

ETA:  I just realized that Jacob could be Gary's child and not Becky's.  Never mind...

I find the logic usually goes like this: If the state is always wrong when the parent loses custody then it was wrong for me to lose custody. Therefore the state mest be always wrong.

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thoughtful

OK, folks, on this, the 21st anniversary of the day Gary was saved, I have had a sign from God.

HAYMAYUN!

In my thrift store wanderings last year, I found this book:

image.thumb.png.f6202d89413004f7486d2af9a7282a69.png

https://www.amazon.com/-/es/Dick-Van-Dyke/dp/0385000510?language=en_US

It consists of funny things kids say about church and religion. I only read bits of it now and then, because it is the current book in the bathroom (sorry re TMI).

This morning, I opened the book, and there before me was the story of a congregation that, moved by the preacher's words, kept yelling out "Amen!" A little girl, knowing what that word usually meant, tugged on her mother's sleeve and said "They keep saying 'amen' - why doesn't he stop?"

I consider this a sign that God approves of our mocking Gary, and we should continue.

Amen (and I am done - for now!)

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Four is Enough
16 hours ago, Dana723 said:

Good grief!  Her grasp of English is almost as good as Gary's!  I need to think up some raisin puns though.

Somebody say raisins?

Spoiler

image.thumb.png.e6ab668dad304e35d5d50b2a8823e1c6.png

 

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thoughtful
Posted (edited)

Gary has been busy this morning:

Spoiler

image.png.ad7e762ed9005abf51653f94a8f33055.png

image.png.09c0892c0d98f0916741a304cd8de285.png

image.png.54a733e1b59399a255146010bacc2723.png

 

Well, that packages up all of the paranoia, conspiracy theories, anti-science crap and racism, doesn't it?

He commemorates his anniversary, and I think we have a new Bro Gary classic! He gave us a gift for his anniversary, bless him:

Spoiler

image.png.0d793ca755e273d772e7e649021c9eb0.png

 

Where are those cross-stichers? "Each year it gets sweater and Sweaty" must be preserved for posterity! Please do it, for old such as I!

 

Edited by thoughtful
fixing quote
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Xan

I suppose he did speech-to-text and was saying "sweeter and sweeter" but the "sweater and Sweaty" with the second s capitalized is priceless.  I think his phone realizes that he gets sweatier and sweatier every year.

And the LORD allowing him to become a Child of the KING sounds sort of like a plot from a novel about a fortunate adoption in medieval times.  

His paranoia is getting worse.  How much longer before he shows up to preach wearing a tie with a big old Q and the "WWG1WGA"??

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thoughtful
13 hours ago, forgetmenow said:

How did I never hear about that show?  Charles Grodin, Teri Garr, Carol Burnett??? 

I only remembered seeing the ads, and the running gag of Gregory Harrison never having a shirt on. I found the whole thing online, and watched some of it last night. I never watched Dallas or Dynasty, but have a vague sense of the style.

I think they tried so hard to recreate that style - lots of slow pans and slow reactions and long expositions, that it just ended up being too slow to be funny. There are some humorous moments in it, though, and Bob Mackie had a field day, with costumes that were both funny (but not as out-there as the ones he did for The Carol Burnett Show) and truly glamorous.

 

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smittykins
2 hours ago, Four is Enough said:

Somebody say raisins?

  Hide contents

image.thumb.png.e6ab668dad304e35d5d50b2a8823e1c6.png

 

Great, now I have “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” stuck in my head.  Thanks a LOT! :pb_lol:

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Four is Enough
32 minutes ago, smittykins said:

Great, now I have “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” stuck in my head.  Thanks a LOT! :pb_lol:

Most welcome, I'm sure! 

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thoughtful

Gary got some comments on his anniversary post:

Spoiler

image.png.58fa2bd54695b62be5dcb1424c2bd1f4.png

AND RODNEY CROSBY IS  . . . oh, excuse me - Rodney Crosby is steel praying:

Spoiler

image.png.5eada8d34cebdcc8eccb5644314cd083.png

Not sure if the d at the end or the o is the error in "dollards." I can imagine that Rodney would, indeed,  need dullards for his ministry.

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AmazonGrace
18 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Yes - it needs to do so periodically because so many people are going there that they need more room, and that's why volcanoes erupt. Gary believes this.

@Xan - yep, Jacob, Caleb and Michaela are Gary's kids.

Gary had him some lobster, and it was good. I will spare you the pictures. That's some high-class griftin' (I know, it's cheaper in Maine, but still).

Tonight's first hymn is Who Can Cheer the Heart Like Jesus. So positive, so cheerful - no war or blood! Yay!

Second hymn is Are You Washed In the Blood of the Lamb. I knew it couldn't last.

Then, Whoever Heareth, Shout, Shout the Sound. Like Gary needs any encouragement.

One more! Christ, Our Redeemer, Died on the Cross. Lots and lots of blood in this one.

Gary mostly speaks quietly tonight, with no Bible reading, and with lots of familiar stuff - get saved, there's a casket waiting for you in a funeral home nearby, he's not skeered for himself, but he's nervous for the unsaved, etc.

Gary says that one of these days, the trumpet blows, "the truck blows up, ah git in a bad accident, it kills me, ah'm outta here."

Poor Jacob, having to hear this shit.

"Joyce Meyers said the day she was born, she was born agin. 'N' that's not even possible."

Gary knows the rules - don't mess with him.

"Y'know, uhuh 'n' they say that, in some of these religions that we got, when people get saved, they are lit'rally thrown out of the family. Well, ah'm jus' gonna let ya know somethin', God's family is a whole lot better than some thangs - some family members amen."

He tells a horrible story from one of the old-time preachers he reveres, J. Harold Smith. Smith claimed God told him to speak to directly to a teen in his audience (yes, Gary said "audience" - oops) and tell her it was her last chance to be saved. She rejected him, and died in a gruesome accident on the way home.

"Ah'm sure some of you listen to the news today, there's so much junk goin' on today, listen ah'm gonna tell ya raht now. They just come in your house, they just come in your house 'n' blow yer brains out."

We find out that Jacob cooked the lobsters.

Gary warns us a few more times about people who aren't saved who suddenly find themselves dead, just in case you didn't get the message.

The whole thing sounds vaguely threatening, and, although he claims he "ain't got nobody in mind,"  feels like it was aimed at someone specific. Think the pastor told him about someone whose salvation he doubts?

When Gary is done, the pastor continues in that quiet manner, warning them that they need to be sure before they leave that they are not on the way to Hell. I think he really wants someone to come, running and weeping, to the front of the church, and, when nobody does, he says they can come to him privately. Then he moves on to announce a final hymn, but says "And I hope you're not making a mistake" just before the video ends. 

:shock:

Both of them remind me of movie gangsters. "Nice eternal soul ya have there - be a shame if something happened to it."

OK, folks, it's "erev" Gary's salvation anniversary. I am so glad I have those weens that were delivered by accident, since I don't usually buy hot dogs. Shall we just celebrate off and on all day, as we visit FJ?

That's a horror film in the making. The preacher of death pronounces it's the last chance to get saved, and on the way home makes sure it was.

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wallysmommy

If he puts this on his posts "Are you #awake yet?" I'm just gonna roll over and die.  It's what my conspiracy theorist cray cray cousin puts on all her posts.

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thoughtful
Posted (edited)

I was thinking about the well-known business whose name is today's date, and their well-known slogan. Thought I'd find a nice old jingle I could parody, but instead I found  . . . this:

I figured it was worth a try, anyway, despite my not being able to figure out what some of the original lyrics are (Dream cut? Drink it? Drink cup?):

Seven!
Eleven!
Bro earned heaven on 7/11!

God said “come,” Gary went!
Every Baptist’s doin’ it, doin’ it, doin’ it.
Every Baptist’s doin’ it!

Scream “yes!” Scream “Oooh!” Scream “Lord!”

If you don’t accept the Lord,
In Hell you’ll be a burner!
Hot to go! Hot to go! Hot to go! Hot to go!
Think about sin!

Seven days a week Bro Gary dreams of  Heaven!
Seven days a week he yells about his Heaven!

Seven!
Eleven!
Bro earned heaven on 7/11!

Please shut up, we all know about Heaven!
Bro earned heaven on 7/11!

Preaching every day,
Facebook on the way.
Gary hates the gay!

Seven!
Eleven!
Bro earned heaven on 7/11!

 

Edited by thoughtful
Satanic riffle - maybe Satan has brain freeze from his free Slurpee - he's not used to cold things.

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Dana723
5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary got some comments on his anniversary post:

  Hide contents

image.png.58fa2bd54695b62be5dcb1424c2bd1f4.png

AND RODNEY CROSBY IS  . . . oh, excuse me - Rodney Crosby is steel praying:

  Hide contents

image.png.5eada8d34cebdcc8eccb5644314cd083.png

Not sure if the d at the end or the o is the error in "dollards." I can imagine that Rodney would, indeed,  need dullards for his ministry.

When I see ALL CAPS my mind automatically go to SCREAMING the words.  And with no punctuation in that, all I heard in my mind was AFKJSDK BDSOJDPOIFU DSIDSOIJVNSDKFJ

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thoughtful

My weens are being cooked right now, for my anniversary dinner.

I will eat them wrapped in flour tortillas (I don't like hot dog buns), not cut up in gravy like Gary does.

Amen.

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thoughtful

My weens were delicious.

Gary is celebrating his salvation anniversary with more conspiracy crap:

image.png.ee378dff028617ea18ccb7ffb7bd1672.png

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PumaLover
13 hours ago, thoughtful said:

I only remembered seeing the ads, and the running gag of Gregory Harrison never having a shirt on. I found the whole thing online, and watched some of it last night. I never watched Dallas or Dynasty, but have a vague sense of the style.

I think they tried so hard to recreate that style - lots of slow pans and slow reactions and long expositions, that it just ended up being too slow to be funny. There are some humorous moments in it, though, and Bob Mackie had a field day, with costumes that were both funny (but not as out-there as the ones he did for The Carol Burnett Show) and truly glamorous.

 

Dude, this is where we're from!!… although I lived in Mississippi when this series came out. I've heard a lot about it, though. I'll have to watch to see if the comparisons are legit but a lot of people hate on Fresno. It's where I got my first job, it's where all my friends are and it's where the ice rink is. There's a lot of crime and horrible drivers but as much as I talk shit on it, it's not a bad place and they're trying to do a lot better. Bitwise took over a large building downtown and are doing a lot of good for the community (I actually did an awesome temp job for them for the last few months). There's a new-ish realty company called Fres-yes, trying to improve the Valley's image. 

I live about 45 minutes east of there now, in the mountains. Supposedly it was about 107º there today. No thanks.

I'm not caught up on the Gary shit yet. I was just excited to see my city. 

Also, all the raisins are grown in Southern Fresno County, in Kingsburg and Selma. I have a soft spot for Kingsburg, which is a beautiful, small Swedish town. My husband and I renovated a beautiful historic house there, on the main street. We did our best to restore it back to the time period. I'm kind of doxing myself because if you cared enough you can look it up to see, but I'm not worried about it. 

Anyway, back to Bro Gary, we're having a BBQ for my mom's birthday tomorrow, and I'm taking a vegan ween so I'll have something to eat, haha.

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Ozlsn
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

My weens were delicious.

Gary is celebrating his salvation anniversary with more conspiracy crap:

image.png.ee378dff028617ea18ccb7ffb7bd1672.png

I strongly suspect that Judy, Lisa and Don have no idea what DNA is, or how much of it is present in a viral infection vs your own DNA. Also no idea about transmission, aerosols... hm, maybe I could start a conspiracy about sneezing transmitting mutated human DNA that will cause you to become a clone or something? I'd be... interested to see if I can get it to spread (oops, pun). Also I think I listened to too much Oh no! Ross and Carrie last week, particularly part 5 of the conscious living series. 

Geez these people make conspiracies so complicated, especially when most of the real life ones are... less so.

 

Edited by Ozlsn

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MathQueen

Hey, [mention]PumaLover [/mention] I have really happy memories of spending summer vacations in Kingsburg as a child, waterskiing on the King’s River with my family and friends. I remember eating at the Parlier Inn, the restaurant with an airplane lodged in the roof (not really, just for effect). I wonder if it’s still there. It’s been forever since those times, but I loved them. Thanks for sharing. Fres-yes!

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