Dillards 84: Craving Attention

[llg1234]

The thing that bothers me the most is that it's always Derrick that's lashing out and speaking up, never Jill. She could agree with what he's saying, but at what point is she going to speak for herself? I'm glad she seems to be much happier these days, but I hope Derrick has an actual plan after finishing law school. He's a grifter and had no problem accepting money from Jill's abuser, so I have a hard time believing everything he does is for her sake and not just his own ego. Him changing his Instagram bio to say "Reformed Counting On member. #enlightened" doesn't help. 

Edited July 9, 2020 by llg1234

[Idlewild]

I think the title of this thread sums it up- the series is back on and he’s resentful for whatever reasons. 
I really hope the law school isn’t a vanity project- he is being very selfish towards his family if it’s not the basis for providing for them in the long term. 

[Snarkasarus Rex]

44 minutes ago, Idlewild said:

I think the title of this thread sums it up- the series is back on and he’s resentful for whatever reasons. 
I really hope the law school isn’t a vanity project- he is being very selfish towards his family if it’s not the basis for providing for them in the long term. 

I agree and I also hope he isn’t a law school dilettante. However, it seems that lately he’s his own barrier to success. ??‍♀️ 
 

[SassyPants]

Above all else, I see DD as being extremely immature and highly idealistic. His father died, unfair. His mother was very ill at a critical time in his life, unfair. He married a very stunted, insecure, dependent woman, unfair. He quit his job to work the show, and wasn’t fairly compensated, unfair. In his youth, his BIL molested his wife, unfair. The planned births didn’t happened, unfair.

DD lashes out because in his idealistic, immature world, that’s how he best balances the fairness scale. 
 

Im not sure how DD doesn’t realize that a family of four, with a new home, law school tuition and no family sustaining job for 3 years hasn’t been extremely blessed...I guess the immaturity really supersedes and negates all critical thinking -

[nst]

2 hours ago, SassyPants said:

Above all else, I see DD as being extremely immature and highly idealistic. His father died, unfair. His mother was very ill at a critical time in his life, unfair. He married a very stunted, insecure, dependent woman, unfair. He quit his job to work the show, and wasn’t fairly compensated, unfair. In his youth, his BIL molested his wife, unfair. The planned births didn’t happened, unfair.

DD lashes out because in his idealistic, immature world, that’s how he best balances the fairness scale. 
 

Im not sure how DD doesn’t realize that a family of four, with a new home, law school tuition and no family sustaining job for 3 years hasn’t been extremely blessed...I guess the immaturity really supersedes and negates all critical thinking -

he feels the peanut butter get isn't enough he wants the bananas as well

[BernRul]

I'm going against the grain here and saying I like what Derrick's doing. He specifically said that they need to end "the culture of abuse" in fundie circles and compared it to Jeffrey Epstein. I'm glad that someone with some influence (note I said some! and certainly not as much as he'd like!) is talking about how they need to fix "the culture of abuse." That's a radical notion for fundies, who have long been rumored and sometimes proven to have rampant sexual abuse from the higher ups.

He also said his beef is with Jim Bob, not the others. 

I get that what Derrick's doing isn't smart for his law career and that he's a douchecanoe and we know he probably has selfish motives, but he's not just whining about Sam's birth or TLC doing them dirty, he's specifically saying JB is the problem and that there is abuse going on. That's a bit of a departure, isn't it? 

I still don't like Derrick, but anyone speaking out against abuse (and we know that abuse happened in the Duggar family and Gothard's cult) is a good thing, even if it hurts their career.  I get that we hate Derrick, but if it was anyone else talking about sexual abuse/abuse in general we wouldn't say "oh that dummy is ruining their career."

There's been a subtle shift with Derrick and Jill lately, probably thanks to therapy and becoming more secular, but they've both been alluding to recovery and abuse more openly. 

Oh, and Jill's been posting a pic that said, "Don't trade your authenticity for approval," and has been talking about the importance of secular therapy and healing, so I suspect she agrees with her husband on this. 

Edited July 9, 2020 by BernRul

[allthegoodnamesrgone]

I think Jill is trying reconcile her abusive, controlled & limited childhood with her love for her parents, her new world view and trying to maintain some contact with siblings whom she very clearly cares for. She's having to walk a very fine line right now and it won't change until either Jenni is an adult, or the Duggar house of glass shatters. 

[Snarkasarus Rex]

I frankly don’t care about Derick trying to shine a light on sex abuse because I don’t think that’s what he’s trying to do.  I think Derick is more pissed about how Boob treated them vs. Pest rather than what actually happened to Jill.  We don’t even know if Jill is ok with him making these comments.

Remember this is a person who accepted a donation from his wife’s abuser, publicly thanked him, then went out to dinner with him. If he really felt that $500 was worth it, he could have accepted Pest’s money and thanked him in person. But he didn’t.  What message is Jill supposed to take from that?

This is also a person who felt it was ok to publicly bully a then-teenage girl on twitter *multiple* times. He has never apologized and avoids answering when asked about it. Yet he wants to ‘help people’.

This is also a person who thinks it’s OK to try and run an animal over with a sled. He was about to become a father when that happened.

This is a person who repeatedly railed against TLC and how the network treated them.  TLC also likely knew Josh was a predator.  Yet he told the Sun they would be open to returning to TLC.  What?  

He’s no champion for people or any living thing that doesn’t have a voice. He’s a self-serving immature asshat.

[patsymae]

There's no doubt that Derek is a major douche, but I think he's been good for Jill. IIRC, in Gotherland women aren't supposed to talk to anyone except their husbands about their problems or to seek advice--your parents only and then your husband only. Not even your sisters, not your friends, and certainly not an outside counselor. Now she has Amy, she has Cathy (whatever you think of them, in my case not much but she has someone to talk to) and especially a secular therapist. Who if they are any good encourages her to think and talk for herself. So far she at least clearly wants better for her kids that the hand she was dealt. I'd love to see her eventually become a school nurse or something along those lines.

[SassyPants]

I absolutely see it both ways. I think DD is an immature and shortsighted, but I also absolutely  think he is good for Jill and is a thousand %, head and shoulders above JB in doing what is right for his children and wife. OK, he does need to obtain and retain a family supporting job, but he is still better than JB.  
 

JB stunted and intimidated his kids and adult offspring viA control and mind games. I don’t think DD does that. And I think THAT is exactly what DD is pissed about. What kind of person controls his ADULT kids? What kind of adult permits that behavior?

[Giraffe]

I’m impressed they’re making a point of saying they’re seeing a secular therapist.

[Idlewild]

DD still has this air of believing he is so much cleverer than everyone else. He has flip flopped about his reasons for leaving and now considers himself a victim of abuse. He conveniently avoids his transphobic and homophobic comments.
It’s been cited above but the accepting the money from Josh and doing that cringeworthy thank you video to him makes it very hard to see him as Jill’s great supporter. Most people would scrub floors to earn money rather than take handouts from their spouse’s abuser.

[llg1234]

Where did Derick say they were seeing a secular therapist? I've seen him mention counseling/therapy, but I don't recall him ever explicitly stating it was someone secular. There's so many screenshots floating around from his tirade though, so I could have easily missed it.

[AussieKrissy]

9 hours ago, llg1234 said:

The thing that bothers me the most is that it's always Derrick that's lashing out and speaking up, never Jill. She could agree with what he's saying, but at what point is she going to speak for herself? I'm glad she seems to be much happier these days, but I hope Derrick has an actual plan after finishing law school. He's a grifter and had no problem accepting money from Jill's abuser, so I have a hard time believing everything he does is for her sake and not just his own ego. Him changing his Instagram bio to say "Reformed Counting On member. #enlightened" doesn't help. 

to me that just seems childish and petty. I get that he has all these big emotions over the whole incident and wants to lash out but it only hurts him by doing that IMO

Edited to add that I do agree with the above poster that it is good to speak out against abuse, I do think he is doing it in a childish manner.

Edited July 10, 2020 by AussieKrissy
add stuff

[Skeptic55]

I agree and I also hope he isn’t a law school dilettante. However, it seems that lately he’s his own barrier to success. [emoji2372] 
 

He has clerked with several different governmental agencies, I.e., the state attorney general, county prosecutor’s office, public defender, etc. All governmental positions since he started law school. The 2L summer is important for a internship or summer associate position that turns into an offer post-graduation, but it’s a tough time. Interestingly, he’s not using his former experience in accounting and tax to pursue law firm positions in that field, yet, even though it would make him very marketable with a JD.

[front hugs > duggs]

4 hours ago, Snarkasarus Rex said:

I frankly don’t care about Derick trying to shine a light on sex abuse because I don’t think that’s what he’s trying to do.  I think Derick is more pissed about how Boob treated them vs. Pest rather than what actually happened to Jill.  We don’t even know if Jill is ok with him making these comments.

Remember this is a person who accepted a donation from his wife’s abuser, publicly thanked him, then went out to dinner with him. If he really felt that $500 was worth it, he could have accepted Pest’s money and thanked him in person. But he didn’t.  What message is Jill supposed to take from that?

This is also a person who felt it was ok to publicly bully a then-teenage girl on twitter *multiple* times. He has never apologized and avoids answering when asked about it. Yet he wants to ‘help people’.

This is also a person who thinks it’s OK to try and run an animal over with a sled. He was about to become a father when that happened.

This is a person who repeatedly railed against TLC and how the network treated them.  TLC also likely knew Josh was a predator.  Yet he told the Sun they would be open to returning to TLC.  What?  

Bolding mine. First, you are right that we don't know if Jill is okay with him making these statements. But at the same time she has a smile that reaches her eyes and even Amy noted how much happier she seems. I would THINK (obvs don't know) that she is okay with these comments.

I totally agree with you about all your reasons Derick sucks. What he did to Jazz was absolute scum. But a lot of your points are things Derick did a while ago. I'm trying so hard not to defend him. However, we need to understand that humans grow. I turned 30 this year, so I recognize I have limited life experience, but the emotional growth that happened to me during this last decade is astounding to me. I got therapy, got issues from my childhood being worked on, and am trying everyday to better myself. 

We 100% need to hold DD accountable for his prior actions, words, and statements. I am not suggesting remotely we forget all that. I am not saying he is a great human with great morals. But it is still a BIG deal to publicly denounce abuse, abuse which his inlaws are clearly "ok" with.

[Exposedknees]

DD is a petty, immature, douchebag in a pissing contest with JB over Jill....but ironically, at the same time, his "worldliness" and stubborn resolve to breakaway from JB's cult of control is good for her. ? 

[Silas]

If he really commented on the Counting On Facebook, I say good for him. I still don't trust him as far as I could throw him but the comments on Facebook are usually full of leg humpers (at least last time I looked) and it'd be nice for them to see it coming straight from one of the families.

 

[Kayleigh83]

5 hours ago, BernRul said:

I'm going against the grain here and saying I like what Derrick's doing. He specifically said that they need to end "the culture of abuse" in fundie circles and compared it to Jeffrey Epstein. I'm glad that someone with some influence (note I said some! and certainly not as much as he'd like!) is talking about how they need to fix "the culture of abuse." That's a radical notion for fundies, who have long been rumored and sometimes proven to have rampant sexual abuse from the higher ups.

He also said his beef is with Jim Bob, not the others. 

I get that what Derrick's doing isn't smart for his law career and that he's a douchecanoe and we know he probably has selfish motives, but he's not just whining about Sam's birth or TLC doing them dirty, he's specifically saying JB is the problem and that there is abuse going on. That's a bit of a departure, isn't it? 

I still don't like Derrick, but anyone speaking out against abuse (and we know that abuse happened in the Duggar family and Gothard's cult) is a good thing, even if it hurts their career.  I get that we hate Derrick, but if it was anyone else talking about sexual abuse/abuse in general we wouldn't say "oh that dummy is ruining their career."

There's been a subtle shift with Derrick and Jill lately, probably thanks to therapy and becoming more secular, but they've both been alluding to recovery and abuse more openly. 

Oh, and Jill's been posting a pic that said, "Don't trade your authenticity for approval," and has been talking about the importance of secular therapy and healing, so I suspect she agrees with her husband on this. 

I agree.  I can’t say there’s absolutely nothing to criticize, but the fact that he is going against the grain of the family and religious subculture, whatever the motivation is, stands out to me.  It’s hard to say whether his motivations are more from a personal standpoint of hurt feelings on his own behalf and his wife’s behalf, or a broader awakening to systemic issues in the circles that her family has traveled in.  Honestly as long as he’s calling things out, I say six of one or half dozen of the other in this case. Calling it out is calling it out regardless.

I also feel like the fact that he is doing this in a way that may reflect poorly on him when it comes to employment actually says a lot about his sincerity.  He’s not being strategic about it, clearly! Which I think speaks to him having strong feelings about it in some way, sincerely.

5 hours ago, allthegoodnamesrgone said:

I think Jill is trying reconcile her abusive, controlled & limited childhood with her love for her parents, her new world view and trying to maintain some contact with siblings whom she very clearly cares for. She's having to walk a very fine line right now and it won't change until either Jenni is an adult, or the Duggar house of glass shatters. 

I agree with this too. Derick does come from a different background than Jill, and as a man in a still very conservative culture also has the social position to feel more comfortable speaking out. I think there’s been a lot of signs about Jill having some shifting perspectives, even if she hasn’t been quite as outspoken as her husband. And given her background and the family she grew up in, even if her perspectives ARE changing I don’t blame her for not going straight from the TTH to mouthing off about her family in public in one fell swoop. Now, keep hanging out with cousin Amy and we will see what happens.... LOL.

In the end I think we still have to wait for a lot of chips to fall to see what happens, but I think we haven’t heard the end of all this... LOL. I’ll keep a bag of popcorn handy and cross my fingers for a tell all book. 

[marmalade]

1 hour ago, Silas said:

If he really commented on the Counting On Facebook, I say good for him. I still don't trust him as far as I could throw him but the comments on Facebook are usually full of leg humpers (at least last time I looked) and it'd be nice for them to see it coming straight from one of the families.

 

It was TLC's Instagram page.

[patsymae]

6 hours ago, llg1234 said:

Where did Derick say they were seeing a secular therapist? I've seen him mention counseling/therapy, but I don't recall him ever explicitly stating it was someone secular. There's so many screenshots floating around from his tirade though, so I could have easily missed it.

Got me there. I just thought it. Maybe int is a Cathy-approved therapist or something.My bad.

[nst]

17 hours ago, Snarkasarus Rex said:

I frankly don’t care about Derick trying to shine a light on sex abuse because I don’t think that’s what he’s trying to do.  I think Derick is more pissed about how Boob treated them vs. Pest rather than what actually happened to Jill.  We don’t even know if Jill is ok with him making these comments.

Remember this is a person who accepted a donation from his wife’s abuser, publicly thanked him, then went out to dinner with him. If he really felt that $500 was worth it, he could have accepted Pest’s money and thanked him in person. But he didn’t.  What message is Jill supposed to take from that?

This is also a person who felt it was ok to publicly bully a then-teenage girl on twitter *multiple* times. He has never apologized and avoids answering when asked about it. Yet he wants to ‘help people’.

This is also a person who thinks it’s OK to try and run an animal over with a sled. He was about to become a father when that happened.

This is a person who repeatedly railed against TLC and how the network treated them.  TLC also likely knew Josh was a predator.  Yet he told the Sun they would be open to returning to TLC.  What?  

He’s no champion for people or any living thing that doesn’t have a voice. He’s a self-serving immature asshat.

What Derick did probably affected jill behind the scenes. 
Derick and jill are culpable for accepting it publicly because at that time they did everything publicly. 

His railing against TLC is what Derick does because he feel entitled in every way. (as SP said - he doesn't realize how living off the show benefited him until it was too late )  He was in the bubble ....The fact that he doesn't have the power over JB anymore clearly upsets his apple cart. 

 

 

Edited July 10, 2020 by nst

[neuroticcat]

I agree that Derick is not acting maturely. I have a lot of empathy though. I remember when I began to deal with my abusive family of origin stuff I was all over the place. A big piece of that was never learning healthy boundaries, dialogue, confrontation, etc. And there’s a lot of hurt and bitterness as you see how you’ve been used.

Since I do believe he and Jill are breaking free I give them a big pass on how they’re handling it publicly. I would have done so much worse navigating all the pain with a public platform and everyone speculating. It would have felt so good to have a world of watching people agree that your abusers were abusive or you were wronged or whatever. Not healthy, but I get the motivation.

 

Edited July 10, 2020 by neuroticcat

[louisa05]

On 7/8/2020 at 8:17 AM, Pecansforeveryone said:

@just_ordinary, yes there is still a lot of complementarianism and the man is the spiritual head of the family in mainstream conservative Christianity. I mean, even the Catholic churches doesn't yet ordain women. (I know there are plenty of Catholic feminists, I just mean the official church doctrine.) 

My Catholic parish has a paid staff of six  people. One priest, a building manager, three ministry coordinators, and an administrative assistant.  Only the first two are men. The head of the finance committee is a woman, as is the head of the building committee (she’s also the architect who designed and oversaw the recent renovations), and over half of the board. 
This is not at all uncommon in US parishes anymore. Women are not barred or discouraged from leadership roles as they are in evangelical churches. 

[Pecansforeveryone]

I will respectfully stand by what I said. I am aware that many lay Catholic women have positions of leadership. That doesn't negate the overall patriarchal structure of the Catholic hierarchy. I know many Assembly of God churches and Salvation Army churches that ordain women. It doesn't negate the complementarianism in many evangelical churches.