Joe and Kendra 14: Who's Addison? They're all Becoming a Giant Blur to Me.

[GutenbergGirl]

2 minutes ago, tabitha2 said:

There a many kinds of trauma. I didn’t survive by making fun of others.

I am very glad to know you are so much more evolved than the rest of us.  I have survived: 

*  being raped for 5 years as a child

* losing a much wanted wimpy white male at 24 weeks, when I was 15

* a divorce,

* bankruptcy bc of my other preemie's medical bills

* my husband being involved in a car accident that killed a small child (he wasn't at fault, but has dealt with survivor's guilt, feelings of responsibility,  despite there being nothing realistic he could have done, and PTSD),

* losing a2 year old  great nephew that I had raised since he was a newborn, bc his parents were drug addicts, who decided one of his relatives would let them take their kid more often.  I haven't seen him since.

* a trial where a the same relative that raped me, also raped his daughters.

And yes. In every single damn one of those situations, I have reacted at some point or another, with gallows humor.  Bc sometimes, if you don't laugh, you feel like you will cry until you die. 

I am truly glad you haven't ever been in one of those situations.  ♥️

[tabitha2]

You don’t know what I went through. You have no idea. But I am glad your way of reacting is so much more proper and worthy than mine. I have been properly schooled. Apparently making jokes is the only way to cope! 

[crancraz]

On 10/13/2020 at 4:07 AM, justmy2cents said:

Mid January. Not a big deal to most of us, but clearly not what they’re pushing on their children.

 

In the same episode she said that they had been hoping to be “blessed” once or twice more but that were totally content if it hadn’t happened . ? 

No way. The older Kendras are from VA? I grew up in Prince William County. Small world. They are just a few years older than me. 

[GutenbergGirl]

10 minutes ago, tabitha2 said:

You don’t know what I went through. You have no idea. But I am glad your way of reacting is so much more proper and worthy than mine. I have been properly schooled. Apparently making jokes is the only way to cope! 

I don't think I said jokes are the only way to cope.  It IS my typical way of coping.  I am truly sorry for what you have been thru.  ? 

A shorter way of saying what I meant: 

No one way of coping is the only way.  You can do what is best for you (generic you), and I will only be supportive.  Please allow me (generic me) the same.

[mpheels]

Gallows humor is a completely normal and understandable reaction to trauma. I work with trauma surgeons, and their humor can get dark at times, but they would never make those dark jokes around patients or “outsiders.”  Even then, their jokes are usually self deprecating or jokes about the healthcare system and the hospital, and not about the patients. 

When those dark jokes are focused on a group of patients, there is always a risk that the joke sets up biases in care, and that can cause real harm.  I’m not suggesting that people should avoid dark humor, but we do need to be mindful about who is the target of a joke, and the appropriate time and place for making these jokes. 

[mstee]

“Wimpy white male” is a common term used in the medical setting. It may come across as harsh sounding, but it’s not meant in jest. I am an L&D nurse and we are extra concerned when we have premature white male baby born. My hospital doesn’t do deliveries before 32 weeks, but I have seen quite a few premature white male babies shipped out to our nearest NICU. We also worry about very large white male babies that are term or near term (can be a complication from gestational diabetes). Those are the ones I’ve personally seen tank fast a few times now. 

TLDR: wimpy white male sounds harsh but nurses and docs are genuinely concerned about those kiddos (and all the babies ??)

[BabyFactoryClosing]

8 hours ago, mstee said:

“Wimpy white male” is a common term used in the medical setting. It may come across as harsh sounding, but it’s not meant in jest. I am an L&D nurse and we are extra concerned when we have premature white male baby born. My hospital doesn’t do deliveries before 32 weeks, but I have seen quite a few premature white male babies shipped out to our nearest NICU. We also worry about very large white male babies that are term or near term (can be a complication from gestational diabetes). Those are the ones I’ve personally seen tank fast a few times now. 

TLDR: wimpy white male sounds harsh but nurses and docs are genuinely concerned about those kiddos (and all the babies ??)

This. Came here to say that I have encountered this term in actual medical textbooks multiple times in multiple fields. It's a well accepted fact that they generally fare worse than others and it didn't offend me at all when doctors used that term to describe why they were especially worried about my oldest. 

[Aine]

8 hours ago, BabyFactoryClosing said:

This. Came here to say that I have encountered this term in actual medical textbooks multiple times in multiple fields. It's a well accepted fact that they generally fare worse than others and it didn't offend me at all when doctors used that term to describe why they were especially worried about my oldest. 

A few of my Aunts are midwives and my cousin and best friend are now both NICU nurses and when I first learned about the "wimpy white male" thing, I was young and self-righteous and hadn't delivered my own stillborn 24-weeker, nor did I work in a field yet where I was given the responsibility (and privilege) of hearing the worst of people's lives and the depravity of what other humans can do to one another on a daily basis as a therapist. I remember telling them they were awful for saying that and they said it comes out of love and care- they need to keep the statistics in mind and their past experiences when delivering all babies but especially premature babies, and especially premi white male babies because they could take a turn so quickly during delivery or soon after. They also explained that there is kind of a (definitely gender-stereotyped) superstition that playfully referring to them as such, even in their own head and not aloud (and definitely not in front of the parents), is almost willing the little one to fight and be strong- prove the stereotype wrong or whatever. That whole, "I'm not a wimp! I'll show you how strong and brave I can be!" kind of superstition that makes no logical sense when it's a tiny premi baby but when the baby is really struggling, many of them had a superstition that telling the baby they're "doing great" was bad juju. They said they were more likely to think, "Come on little guy, don't be a wuss/wimp! You can do this, fight!"

It makes more sense to me now than it did when I was a kid/in my early teens. I have a very dark sense of humor but I also know that I have to carefully pick my audience if I say things aloud.

[JesSky03]

On 10/18/2020 at 6:32 AM, mstee said:

“Wimpy white male” is a common term used in the medical setting. It may come across as harsh sounding, but it’s not meant in jest. I am an L&D nurse and we are extra concerned when we have premature white male baby born. My hospital doesn’t do deliveries before 32 weeks, but I have seen quite a few premature white male babies shipped out to our nearest NICU. We also worry about very large white male babies that are term or near term (can be a complication from gestational diabetes). Those are the ones I’ve personally seen tank fast a few times now. 

TLDR: wimpy white male sounds harsh but nurses and docs are genuinely concerned about those kiddos (and all the babies ??)

I know NICU nurses and doctors are angels on earth but man that term seriously is harsh. Maybe it doesn't sound so bad if your baby survives...but if the baby dies? Idk seems like they could find a more medically appropriate way to refer to these babies. I'm probably a bit sensitive to it though because my sister lost identical twin boys just last April at 25 weeks. One had a genetic defect and we knew he wouldn't make it regardless of age, but the other was perfectly healthy except his lungs were just not ready for the outside world. I would just pray that the patients and their families don't have to hear their babies referred to in this manner while they are under care. 

[SassyPants]

I know we’ve had this same discussion before, so as a 35 year nicu/picu nurse I have avoided added my thoughts, until now. While most who have worked with extremely preterm for any length of time have heard the term, it isn’t a phrase that I’ve ever heard spoken to a parent or loved one. Yes, parents are informed of the data which indicates that preterm, male, Caucasian infants tend to have less favorable outcomes when compared to their similarly gestational aged counterparts, because that is part of the job and factual information is required as a part of informed consent. The vast majority, if not near 100%, know that both what you say AND how you say it matter.

Edited October 19, 2020 by SassyPants

[Coconut Flan]

Just a reminder, we all cope with bad experiences in our own way and this is not the suffering olympics.

 

Edited October 19, 2020 by Coconut Flan

[Bassett Lady]

When our premie baby was in the NICU there was a nurse the entire family loved. She gave all the babies nicknames meant as “fighting names.” 
 

Our little one was christened Brynhildr. The little guy next to her, whose insides were on his outsides, was called Rocky. Zena and Thor rounded out the babies on the row. 
 

When she was taking care of them you could hear her giving them pep talks and humming the theme to the Rocky movie for the little guy next door. 
 

She was indefatigable. 
 

We went for a visit, a few years after we were patients, during a homecoming picnic. There was a line of parents and kids waiting to take a picture with her. She made a tremendous impact on 100’s of us. 
 

 

[nelliebelle1197]

On 10/17/2020 at 11:20 AM, tabitha2 said:

There a many kinds of trauma. I didn’t survive by making fun of others.

It is not making fun of others. You really are INSUFFERABLE aren’t you? I mean, your irrational passion for Prince Charles is weird enough, but you just simply cannot think beyond your own narrow construct of very rigid, black and white rules.

5 hours ago, JesSky03 said:

I know NICU nurses and doctors are angels on earth but man that term seriously is harsh. Maybe it doesn't sound so bad if your baby survives...but if the baby dies? Idk seems like they could find a more medically appropriate way to refer to these babies. I'm probably a bit sensitive to it though because my sister lost identical twin boys just last April at 25 weeks. One had a genetic defect and we knew he wouldn't make it regardless of age, but the other was perfectly healthy except his lungs were just not ready for the outside world. I would just pray that the patients and their families don't have to hear their babies referred to in this manner while they are under care. 

It is not said to people whose babies die, FFS.

[Maggie Mae]

I'm going to let you finish, but ... 

.. passion for Prince Charles? I had no idea that was possible. I don't even think his own mother has much interest in Charles. 

Laughter is good for the soul. It's OK to make dark jokes when you are under a lot of stress. Crying is fine too. Whatever people need. 

[mstee]

6 hours ago, JesSky03 said:

I know NICU nurses and doctors are angels on earth but man that term seriously is harsh. Maybe it doesn't sound so bad if your baby survives...but if the baby dies? Idk seems like they could find a more medically appropriate way to refer to these babies. I'm probably a bit sensitive to it though because my sister lost identical twin boys just last April at 25 weeks. One had a genetic defect and we knew he wouldn't make it regardless of age, but the other was perfectly healthy except his lungs were just not ready for the outside world. I would just pray that the patients and their families don't have to hear their babies referred to in this manner while they are under care. 

I, personally, have never said that to any parent or heard any doctor/ nurse around me say that to any parent or family member. I can’t vouch for all nurses ever but the ones I work with are all very compassionate and we are cautious about what we say. It is just understood when we are in a situation where a premature white male baby is born. Nothing needs to be said but we all know. I’m very sorry for your sister. Labor and delivery is a lot of joy with occasional immense sorrow. We try to be as supportive as possible. 

[nelliebelle1197]

Closing this before someone gets hurt.