Seewalds 42: Trying to Stay Relevant

[DillyDally]

I finally decided to take driving lessons (at the ripe old age of 30, lol) last year and after passing the test, I did most of the driving when my husband and I went out in the evenings. In Germany, there's a probabtion period of two years after passing the test where you have to be 100% sober behind the wheel. That gave me the perfect excuse not to drink at parties when I became pregnant a couple of weeks later (unplanned) but wasn't far along yet to announce to our friends.

[Screamapillar]

My older brother never drinks. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he's never had a drink in his life. For no other reason than he just isn't interested in doing it. He's kind of a boy scout. But of course, he doesn't have to worry about people asking if he's pregnant when he turns down a drink.

His wife on the other hand, is a huge beer aficionado. I obviously didn't say anything to her about it, but we all knew she was pregnant when she didn't have a drink at my wedding rehearsal dinner. It was at a Beer Garden. She would have either had to have been pregnant or have had her brain swapped by aliens to not have a beer in a place like that. Sure enough, my youngest nephew was born seven months later. Even if you know someone well enough to know that something is probably going on if they're not drinking, it's never cool to say something to them about it.

[fluffernutter]

Today is actually my 3 month sober-versary. I don't drink because, well, I guess you could say it was becoming an issue. ?  While I'm not happy I ended up in that place, I'm glad it's behind me. Hopefully, anyway. Gotta stay humble. 

[viii]

34 minutes ago, fluffernutter said:

Today is actually my 3 month sober-versary. I don't drink because, well, I guess you could say it was becoming an issue. ?  While I'm not happy I ended up in that place, I'm glad it's behind me. Hopefully, anyway. Gotta stay humble. 

Congratulations on your sobriety! I don’t know you, but I’m super proud of you. It’s a tough battle. 

[VelociRapture]

51 minutes ago, fluffernutter said:

Today is actually my 3 month sober-versary. I don't drink because, well, I guess you could say it was becoming an issue. ?  While I'm not happy I ended up in that place, I'm glad it's behind me. Hopefully, anyway. Gotta stay humble. 

Congratulations!!! Three months sober is a big accomplishment! You should be really proud of yourself - not only did you realize it was becoming a problem, but you’ve been doing your best to address it. That’s a huge positive step and, like @viii said, I’m really proud of you.  

[Lizzybet]

1 hour ago, fluffernutter said:

Today is actually my 3 month sober-versary. I don't drink because, well, I guess you could say it was becoming an issue. ?  While I'm not happy I ended up in that place, I'm glad it's behind me. Hopefully, anyway. Gotta stay humble. 

I’m sober ten months today. I just stopped when I realized wine had become way too important to me. Like, if I were headed home and realized I had little or no wine in the house, I wouldn’t even think twice about going out of my way to pick some I up.

I don’t know when I got to that point, because for many years I was a lightweight, and went long periods of time without even thinking about it.

There’s a very strong predilection for substance abuse on both sides of my family, but alcohol is the most obvious. Plus, it’s legal and so easy to get. I decided I wasn’t going there.

I miss it less and less, still once in a while, I’d love to have a glass or two of wine, but have plotted my course without it.

@fluffernuttercongratulations on your three months of sobriety!

[Bad Wolf]

Wolf girl is 9 months sober. Congratulations to all our FJers who are sober to day, and hang in to those still struggling. You have many unknown people here rooting for you, even if we don't know who you are.

[fluffernutter]

51 minutes ago, Lizzybet said:

I’m sober ten months today. I just stopped when I realized wine had become way too important to me. Like, if I were headed home and realized I had little or no wine in the house, I wouldn’t even think twice about going out of my way to pick some I up.

I don’t know when I got to that point, because for many years I was a lightweight, and went long periods of time without even thinking about it.

There’s a very strong predilection for substance abuse on both sides of my family, but alcohol is the most obvious. Plus, it’s legal and so easy to get. I decided I wasn’t going there.

I miss it less and less, still once in a while, I’d love to have a glass or two of wine, but have plotted my course without it.

@fluffernuttercongratulations on your three months of sobriety!

Wow the 6th is an important day for you too. ❤️ Thanks for sharing your story. It runs in my family too.

[Daisy0322]

3 hours ago, fluffernutter said:

Today is actually my 3 month sober-versary. 

 

1 hour ago, Lizzybet said:

I’m sober ten months today. 

That is so great! I'm so happy for both of you ❤️ It takes a lot of courage, reflection, and self care to recognize that you want to prioritize soberity, I hope you two get to celebrate your accomplishment. Wishing you many happy sober anniversaries ?

[AliceInFundyland]

I believe I am rounding up on a year with no alcohol. I can't drink by myself. It makes me a lugubrious puddle of a human. Mixes with meds in questionable ways. Then a headache. Pot. is. so. much. easier.

[JordynDarby5]

My brother, sister-in-law and I aren't drinkers at all. There's no reason we're just not interested. Our parents drank but rarely got drunk. Dad would have a beer when he got home ever night after work, Mom loved her bourbon and coke and margeritas. Actually, margaritas are the only thing my brother, sister-in-law and I do drink. We used to tease our parents that they ended up with boring kids. We don't drink, don't smoke, don't go out clubbing, bar hopping or partying like they used to do for years. Maybe it skipped a generation. We've just never been interested. I always thought I'd end up being the type to drink fruity drinks when I grew up except for a strawberry daiquiri when gambling I never really did. Although I do joke known I'd end up with a stomach issue where eating vegetables would literally make me sick I would have gone out drinking and clubbing just once so I could say I threw up for that reason instead of what turned out to be throwing up due to vegetables, fruit, whole wheat and other stuff. No one has ever really asked. Our friends have been mixture some drink and some don't. 

[AussieKrissy]

7 hours ago, fluffernutter said:

Today is actually my 3 month sober-versary. I don't drink because, well, I guess you could say it was becoming an issue. ?  While I'm not happy I ended up in that place, I'm glad it's behind me. Hopefully, anyway. Gotta stay humble. 

Sending you good ju ju! Well done! for what it is worth a total stranger on the internet is proud of you and was happy to read about your great achievement! Onwards and upwards!

[LillyP]

My husband and I are not drinkers. Not for any religious reason and both of us come from families who all drink, as do pretty much all our friends. His family definitely has it's share of alcoholics and it was just something he wasn't interested in doing. Likewise he wasn't interested in being with a drinker and since it was never a big thing for me I was totally fine with that. I will have the occasional glass of wine with a girlfriend but that's about it. 

His job is pretty unique and he's one of the better paid people in his industry, and because alcohol/partying is really prevalent he's just been committed to not getting into that scene. He's watched way too many talented people with dream jobs lose it all (including their family) because they couldn't keep their shit together. His job revolves a lot of traveling for work and so many of them get sucked into party mode - drinking and picking up women while away from home.  At no point in our almost 20 years together have I ever had to worry about him or what he's doing because he's super boring and usually in bed by 9pm..haha. 

The perk of it was that when I was pregnant I never had to worry about people speculating because they all knew I wasn't a drinker. Now one of our friends? Girlfriend is neverrrrr without her wine and she can't hide it at all. We've pegged her pregnancy every time because she shows up to gatherings with her own cup (dead giveaway #1) and tries to act overly drunk (dead giveaway #2).

[Glasgowghirl]

I am not a huge drinker now, used to drink most weekends but got bored of it. Parents bought me vodka back from holiday last week and I have had a couple of drinks out it but that's it.

[Jinder Roles]

Congrats to all the FJers on their sobriety! 

I’m not much of a drinker, partly because my parents don’t really drink and partly because I’m an anxious person. 

I have a terrible fear of vomit and being out of control of myself so that pretty much prevents me from ever being drunk. 

[Iamtheway]

On 7/25/2019 at 5:17 PM, VelociRapture said:

She’s also a naturally super chill kid though, so I think that probably worked in my favor more than anything I actually did. ?

I always say everything going right with Miniway is just pure dumb luck, not the result of any parenting choice. I think we’re ok at it and he seems to be doing fine. 

I was over 30 when he was born and had long ago stopped caring about what other people think. We did what felt right for us and I actually don’t remember getting that much unwanted advice at all. Probably the look on my face when someone tries to tell me what to do. ?

There are only two things I’ve always been absolutely sure I wanted to do as a parent. 

1. Read a lot to my cild. We started this when he was a small baby and now read 3-4 books every night. I think I could be better at reading more suring the day though.

2. Always pick him up from wherever he is whenever he needs to. My parents always did this for me (still do even though I’m almost 40) and it always made me feel safe to know that I could call them at any time. Miniway is only 5 so he doesn’t go out much, but I will definitly do this when he’s older.

Everything else we’re just figuring out as we go. I breastfed for about a year and then he just stopped by himself. He never figured out how to drink from a bottle and I never figured out how to pump but we didn’t really need to do either so that was fine. 

He used a dummy and loooveeed it. Once he was a bit older he only used it when he was going to sleep and then spit it out so I wasn’t that worried about his teeth. It was a bit of a struggle to get rid of though. When he was about to turn 3 we tried to push it and he was so sad at bedtime both me and my husband cried and I finally just took the kid to the shops in his pyjamas to get new ones. A year later we took them away without a single tear from anyone in the family.

He was really bad at potty training (lazy like his mum) and just wasn’t interested at all. We offered the toilet and talked about it a lot but he was almost 4 before he actually got in. But then he was dry day and night right away with only a handful of accidents.

You just got to do what works for you and your child. And if you feel the need to judge someone making different choices then do it quietly in your head. That’s what I do. ?

[VelociRapture]

5 hours ago, Iamtheway said:

I always say everything going right with Miniway is just pure dumb luck, not the result of any parenting choice. I think we’re ok at it and he seems to be doing fine. 

I was over 30 when he was born and had long ago stopped caring about what other people think. We did what felt right for us and I actually don’t remember getting that much unwanted advice at all. Probably the look on my face when someone tries to tell me what to do. ?

There are only two things I’ve always been absolutely sure I wanted to do as a parent. 

1. Read a lot to my cild. We started this when he was a small baby and now read 3-4 books every night. I think I could be better at reading more suring the day though.

2. Always pick him up from wherever he is whenever he needs to. My parents always did this for me (still do even though I’m almost 40) and it always made me feel safe to know that I could call them at any time. Miniway is only 5 so he doesn’t go out much, but I will definitly do this when he’s older.

Everything else we’re just figuring out as we go. I breastfed for about a year and then he just stopped by himself. He never figured out how to drink from a bottle and I never figured out how to pump but we didn’t really need to do either so that was fine. 

He used a dummy and loooveeed it. Once he was a bit older he only used it when he was going to sleep and then spit it out so I wasn’t that worried about his teeth. It was a bit of a struggle to get rid of though. When he was about to turn 3 we tried to push it and he was so sad at bedtime both me and my husband cried and I finally just took the kid to the shops in his pyjamas to get new ones. A year later we took them away without a single tear from anyone in the family.

He was really bad at potty training (lazy like his mum) and just wasn’t interested at all. We offered the toilet and talked about it a lot but he was almost 4 before he actually got in. But then he was dry day and night right away with only a handful of accidents.

You just got to do what works for you and your child. And if you feel the need to judge someone making different choices then do it quietly in your head. That’s what I do. ?

Yes to all of this! I feel like a kid’s personality is one of the more important things when it comes to how easy the parents have it. Husband and I absolutely lucked out big time in having such a chill first child. We’ll see what happens once baby two arrives this fall. ?

I think the biggest things I want to do with/for my kids are:

1. Keep them rear facing in their car seats until they’re close to 4. Its the best way to keep them safe if we can make it happen (so many reasons it might not work out and that’s ok. As long as a parent is using a safe car seat and is doing their best that’s all that counts.)

2. Tell them at least one thing I was proud of them for doing before bedtime each night. I like the idea that they’ll go to bed with their last memory of me that day being a happy one that makes them feel really proud of themselves for. I already started doing this with my daughter and she gets all smiley and giggly remembering some of the happy things we did together that day.

3. Like you, I want to try to read to them at least twice a day. It’s such a fantastic way to develop language skills and imagination. And depending on the material it can be a great way to help teach empathy, emotional intelligence, and tolerance too. 

[AtlanticTug]

3 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

Yes to all of this! I feel like a kid’s personality is one of the more important things when it comes to how easy the parents have it. Husband and I absolutely lucked out big time in having such a chill first child. We’ll see what happens once baby two arrives this fall. ?

 

That was us with our son. He is chill and an angel child. He was such a wonderful and easy toddler (!!) that the daycare told me he is a "once in a generation" child and that if they had 30 of him they'd have the best job ever. He was just very deferential to authority, followed rules easily, wasn't aggressive, but was brilliant and social and basically easy.

Then we had our daughter. She was the opposite personality. She actually slept better and ate better and was even more social but she was VERY busy, listened to no one, followed her own path in life wherever it took her, had no fear or sense of safety and could not be trusted to be left alone for 1 second. She is a wonderful and fun little girl but extremely challenging on a day to day basis.

I used to be all smug about what a great kid I had until I realized it had nothing to do with me at all.

[Charliemae]

My first is the worlds best eater, his favorite foods are vegetables.  I was sure this was all due to me and my parenting.  He was entirely breastfed, didn't have sugar until after one, baby led weaning onto foods like broccoli.  Oh yes, I was a stunning example of parenting.  Until his little brother came along.  ?  They are less than two years apart, we did all the same things with him, and it's night and day.  I'll keep doing what I do with parenting with the assumption some of it is paying off somewhere.  But I've stopped taking credit for anything. 

 

I can't wait for number three to get here and hate every single thing that's worked with the other two.  

[Rowan]

On 8/2/2019 at 4:29 PM, AprilQuilt said:

If anybody's interested, Expecting Better by Emily Oster was a godsend for me during pregnancy - it explains the data that informs the guidelines, and how it's collected and interpreted. Made me so much more confident when I understood what the guidelines were actually there to do, and therefore what I needed to be extra rigid about, and what I could afford to disregard.

I very much agree! Loved this book and all of the information, especially when she calls out totally unsupported myths like coffee causing miscarriages (it has more to do with if you have morning sickness, you are statistically less likely to miscarry, and if you have morning sickness you are very unlikely to want coffee. So it's not a causal link at all.).

She wrote a new one "Crib sheet" about the newborn/infant/toddler/early childhood stages - I'm about halfway through and have already decided that if I have even half of the issues my sister did with breastfeeding her first, I will switch to formula and not feel the slightest bit guilty about it. The whole intelligence link? Once you remove the mother's intelligence issue, there is virtually no difference between breastfed and formula fed, as shown by studies involving siblings. Her research and books have been a real eye-opener and fantastic for people who love data-based decisions.

[AprilQuilt]

oh yes @Rowan I found the coffee thing super interesting too! I keep meaning to get Crib Sheet but reading is a distant memory since the baby actually turned up. Still, if it's like Expecting Better it'll be quite easy to dip into as needed, so maybe not too onerous.

Edited August 7, 2019 by AprilQuilt

[Rowan]

1 minute ago, AprilQuilt said:

oh yes @Rowan I found the coffee thing super interesting too! I keep meaning to get Crib Sheet but reading is a distant memory since the baby actually turned up. Still, if it's like Expecting Better it'll be quite easy to dip into as needed, so maybe not too onerous.

It is, and you can skip the whole first section about the immediate after birth/in the hospital things. ? Reading it has made me feel a lot better about not reading any other pregnancy/parenting books at all!

[AprilQuilt]

oh good! I'm currently just googling things as they come up... Google knows everything about my child at this point. 3am searches for 'baby prefers thumb to boob'/'get rid of cradle cap'/'baby screaming in evening why'/'stop cradle cap returning'/'weird baby poop 12 weeks'/'what is cradle cap' etc etc etc

My partner knows naff-all about babies so it might be good for him even if not me.

[Screamapillar]

1 hour ago, AprilQuilt said:

oh good! I'm currently just googling things as they come up... Google knows everything about my child at this point. 3am searches for 'baby prefers thumb to boob'/'get rid of cradle cap'/'baby screaming in evening why'/'stop cradle cap returning'/'weird baby poop 12 weeks'/'what is cradle cap' etc etc etc

Mustela foam shampoo and a silicone scalp scrubber, just in case you're still looking for solutions!

Reading to my kids everyday was one of my number one priorities. For my oldest, it was not an issue. She demands books read to her all the time. She sits and flips through them when she wakes up in the morning. She's almost always carrying one around with her. At 3, she has her favorites completely memorized and is basically teaching herself sight words just from the repetition of the same books over and over again. Obviously, as a first time parent, I assumed this was all because I read to her early and often.

Until.....My 11 month old son will. not. sit. still. to have a book read to him. Ever. And I've read, or have attempted to read to him, just as much as I did with my daughter when she was a baby. One page in and he's grabbing for the book, flipping through the pages, laughing and squealing. And then he wiggles free and goes about his business. He likes to hear a book being read aloud to him from a distance while he plays, I suppose, but he will not sit still and enjoy looking at the pages.

[VelociRapture]

17 minutes ago, Screamapillar said:

Mustela foam shampoo and a silicone scalp scrubber, just in case you're still looking for solutions!

Reading to my kids everyday was one of my number one priorities. For my oldest, it was not an issue. She demands books read to her all the time. She sits and flips through them when she wakes up in the morning. She's almost always carrying one around with her. At 3, she has her favorites completely memorized and is basically teaching herself sight words just from the repetition of the same books over and over again. Obviously, as a first time parent, I assumed this was all because I read to her early and often.

Until.....My 11 month old son will. not. sit. still. to have a book read to him. Ever. And I've read, or have attempted to read to him, just as much as I did with my daughter when she was a baby. One page in and he's grabbing for the book, flipping through the pages, laughing and squealing. And then he wiggles free and goes about his business. He likes to hear a book being read aloud to him from a distance while he plays, I suppose, but he will not sit still and enjoy looking at the pages.

I’m sure you already know this, but just in case anyone reading this doesn’t and is worried:

The head of the children's’ library in my town runs a program for young children between 1 and 2. She repeatedly recommended just letting your kids do whatever they want when you read to them - if they want to sit still to listen that’s great and if they don’t that’s great too. The most important thing is that they’re hearing your voice as you read to them on a regular basis. 

My daughter is 2.5 and she’d rather not sit still for us to read to her. We pretty much just let her wander around as we read because she’s still absorbing the words without realizing it. She still loves books and demands we leave one in the crib during her naps and overnight so she can “read” to herself when she wakes up, so I figure we’re probably doing ok all things considered. ?