Bro Gary Hawkins 8: F is for Felony and No Longer Funny

[Four is Enough]

@MarblesMom: as the Water Boy would say, "Look, Mama! The devil!"

[SuperNova]

On 9/7/2018 at 2:27 PM, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

Brian is a friend of Ghaw.  Poor old maligned Santa and drunken Rudolf. How do these people come up with this nonsense?  

Brian has the most unintentionally bad ass description of Santa Clause ever. A hermaphroditic pagan god drenched in blood, flying through the sky, being led by a team of drunken reindeer, bringing toys to children. He/she is powerful enough to ensnare devils and wandering spirits to aid him/her on their mission of benevolence. I imagine that he picks them up while delivering toys. Pulling their lonely little selves from dark corners and forgotten places. Perhaps these wandering spirits and devils find absolution through good works.

There's an awesome story waiting to be told here. It should be written and directed by Tim Burton. Santa Clause would be played by Johnny Depp of course. Helena Bonham Carter can be the head wandering spirit. 

[Georgiana]

On 9/8/2018 at 6:11 AM, mango_fandango said:

I think Michelle Duggar claimed that the Bible says something about an uncovered thigh being nakedness. 

Yep, and I want to say the verse comes from the passage where two daughters get their father drunk and then sleep with him.  Which evidently is FINE and we have no issue with that, but the fact that they left his thigh uncovered is the shameful bit!  

 

On 9/7/2018 at 10:59 PM, AliceInFundyland said:

One of the fundies I pay attention to is Candy Brauer (of late we discussed her 32 day bout with menorrhagia - ultimately cured by God). Her passion for home remedy may kill her or a loved one.

She is quite a bit more lucid than Bro. And she’s quantitatively smarter.

Except....she’s a fucking nutball too. She could just find a verse to back up “what does God think about your thigh?” Because she’s decided the KJV is the ultimate authority on everything. And the book is only so long. So when you devote your entire existence to making one book prove every gd thing in the universe, it gets pretty convoluted.

But they both have big old egos and this idea that they need to share with us.

And both of them probably voted for a man completely unlike them based on one thing he doesn’t give a shit about. Sigh.

If they voted... it’s possible these two could be nonvoters,

Candy's problem is that, like Bro Gary, she's not NEARLY as smart as she thinks she is, but (like Bro Gary) she has a superiority complex that demands she consider herself to be smarter than most, so anytime someone tells her she's wrong, she simply doubles down on her ignorance.  Because SHE can't be wrong.  No.  It must be everyone else who is just too stupid to see the TRUTH!

[AliceInFundyland]

@Georgiana That was somewhat my point. All these fools have big egos and they think we need to know the word.  On the surface at least, she articulates it better. Two sides of the same coin.

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

Spoiler

g

OK folks,  Becky has been selling Plexus only since June.  She has been praying and Jesus has built her business. Silver already, I think Jill is behind this because that’s right about the time Jill showed up as a friend on Ghaw’s fb.

[PumaLover]

Do that many people really buy Plexus? No one in my circle has ever mentioned it, but maybe it's popular elsewhere. Also that post says September 2017. Has she been selling it since last year? I can't remember when I started following the Hawkinseseses.

Her profile pic is so sad. I don't think I would personally post that, but that's just me. I looked through her profile and this pic made me laugh. I heart my KJV.

 

My mother in law showed up for a visit last week from out of state. She has become a Seventh Day Adventist and was talking to me about her mentor and different versions of the bible. I started talking about the KJV and she said that yes, that is the most accurate and best translation. I've never known anyone else in person who was all for the KJV (although its been a lot of years since I attended church and I've drank a lot since then) but it was kind of funny to have my real life and FJ life colliding. For the record I didn't make any snarky comments to her, because it's something important to her and I am supportive. I just don't personally want any part of it.

[elsiedindin]

On 9/7/2018 at 4:55 PM, Hashtag Blessed said:

So they looked up the definition of “elves” in a Webster’s dictionary from 1828? Is the fact that it is super fucking old supposed to make it.....mystical?

...

They can crack a 200 year old dictionary but not a goddamn history book, I guess. I’m sure their homeschooled children are getting a world class education. 

So, weird little fundy tidbit. It was super important what dictionary you had. "Modern" dictionaries were corrupt etc and had definitions for things like marriage that didn't conform to fundy ideals. Naturally Vision Forum sold a Real True Godly American version (for the low low price of $75).

Here's the archived page.

[MarblesMom]

19 hours ago, elsiedindin said:

So they looked up the definition of “elves”

In the Keebler tree, of course. Making cookies for us.

[MarblesMom]

He just went live again.  Nostrils a-flaring.

9/11 was God judging people, and now the hurricane is God judging people.

 

[DancingPhalanges]

Isn’t his family in the path of the hurricane? I have no idea if he and Becky are home yet. Not sure I can take listening to his live to find out. 

I have a beer but that’s not strong enough for flaring g-haw nostrils. 

[Hane]

I live in the Northeast, home of liberal elites. My state was the second to enact civil unions and then the second to enact marriage equality. I wonder why the worst meteorological disaster the Almighty visits on us is the occasional snowstorm. The South and the Bible Belt in general are way more Jesusy than we are, yet are regularly clobbered by tornadoes and horrendous tropical storms.

[Dandruff]

1 hour ago, MarblesMom said:

He just went live again.  Nostrils a-flaring.

9/11 was God judging people, and now the hurricane is God judging people.

The hurricane has been downgraded.  Bro should keep his nostrils to himself and probably doesn't need to worry too much about an interruption to his ween-eating. 

[MarblesMom]

Just now, Dandruff said:

The hurricane has been downgraded.

So, God is now less judgey?  How would G Haw defend this, I wonder?

[Dandruff]

6 minutes ago, MarblesMom said:

So, God is now less judgey?  How would G Haw defend this, I wonder?

I'm pretty sure he'd attribute it to prayer.  Hallalooyer!

[keepercjr]

I don’t have time to listen to the live video but I did take a peek at the comments.  Think he is trolling Gary or...?

[smittykins]

On 9/12/2018 at 12:17 AM, MarblesMom said:

In the Keebler tree, of course. Making cookies for us.

Deluxe Grahams...drool...

[WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?]

1 hour ago, smittykins said:

On 9/11/2018 at 10:17 PM, MarblesMom said:

In the Keebler tree, of course. Making cookies for us.

Deluxe Grahams...drool...

Grasshoppers...

[Briefly]

21 hours ago, MarblesMom said:

He just went live again.  Nostrils a-flaring.

9/11 was God judging people, and now the hurricane is God judging people.

 

I think Pat Robertson is the one who blames things on events that happened a few hundred years prior.  I can't remember specifically, but it was either a hurricane or an earthquake type event that happened in the last couple of years.  He said it was because the specific country had not kicked out the gays a couple of hundred years before.  I read the article right before I went to bed a couple of nights ago and I was really tired so I forgot to email it to myself (I was reading it on my phone).

[PumaLover]

OK folks, I just bought a new bottle of wine so I will take a crack at recapping the live video. We have a Lori Alexander accountability club–I think all of us on this thread are the Bro Gary accountability club! We're watching you, Bro!

[DancingPhalanges]

12 minutes ago, PumaLover said:

OK folks, I just bought a new bottle of wine so I will take a crack at recapping the live video. We have a Lori Alexander accountability club–I think all of us on this thread are the Bro Gary accountability club! We're watching you, Bro!

I will crack open my bottle of wine and have a cheese danish while I read both you and littemommy live updates. Thank you for the distraction!!!

[PumaLover]

OK folks. Bro comes to us in his latest video wearing a T-SHIRT!!! First time I've ever seen him in one. It looks Army-ish.

He's glad God is in control and is taking care of all of us. We serve an awesome mighty god. He hopes everybody is enjoying themselfs. (This dumbass computer keeps auto correcting all the Gary-isms.) He's glad to be saved. He's blood bought, washed in the lamb.

We got a storm out there called Florence, God intervened and slowed the category down to a 2. LMAO (For real though I am glad for that; have lots of loved ones in the path). He's praying for everyone down there. Prayin for you Angela. Angel? Is it Angel? A-N-G-E? Whoever you are. (It's Angie; hope she's safe). This made me laugh probably harder than it should have. 

You better make sure you're right with God. We're all going one of these days, whether by death or the Rapture. By the trump. The last trump. Not this trump, even though I do like this Trump, the one that's in office, President. Haymayun. OMG you guys. You cannot make this up. People blame Trump for the storm but it's not Trump's fault since there were storms before he became president. (No. This storm is 100% Trump's fault, and so is everything bad that has ever happened. So there!) It  makes him sick, all the hogwash that's thrown around. But there are a lot of stupid people in the world. You guys!!!!!! He said he was going to try to be nice but he just can't. He just can't. I'm dying. I need more wine.

OK, the storm is raging and you better get in touch with God. You better make sure you got God on your side. Saved or lost, make sure you got God on your side. Haymayun, hallelujah, that's good preaching. (My daughter said, that's not very humble. LOL) The storm's out there, hasn't heard any reports, but people are gonna be keeled (killed) by the storm.  Being flooded to death. There's gonna be people who watch this, when I hear stupid stuff I just gotta come put it on here. (When I hear stupid stuff I have to come put it on FJ but whatever.) Facebook didn't raise the dead but it made the dumb talk. People put a lot of things on FB they never would in person. That's just not smart. Haymayun, hallelujah, good preachin. Today he heard somebody say that the news media was making the hurricane bigger than it was. Thank god that god heard the prayers and it's slowed down. The news media is making up all this stuff about the weather. Some people think they know more than the weatherman. And not only do they know more than the weather man, they know more than god. He says they're pretty stupid. That must be his word of the day. 

(To be continued. Just posting so I don't lose this since my internet is being buggy.)

 

[PumaLover]

Continued… 

There's gonna be people that die because of this storm. Now you say, well that's god's fault. No it's not. When you're borned, you're borned to immediately grow old. Some people get to grow old, some people make it to teenagers. Some people make it to five and six and seven and eight and nine and ten and eleven and twelve. Twenties and thirties. Young people will die because of the storm. It's just your time to go. Haymayun. If it is your time you better make sure you know without a shadow of a doubt Jesus Christ is your lord and savior. Do you know you're saved? Do you know you're on your way to heaven? You may say, I will live through this storm. What about the next time?

Just got done with a funeral. Another one just got a call about hospice, and another one was moved to a home. They know they're going to die. Man, woman, boy and girl. Are you ready to die?  Are you ready for the rapture? People are boarding up their homes but are you ready? This coming Sunday we'll be preachin on hurricane Floyd. No Florence. Jesus is coming. 

People say, I don't understand these storms. God is trying to wake us up. God is trying to wake up China. (Why?) We're sitting back, relaxing, not doing nothing about it. Haymayun, good preachin, someone out there give me an amen. (My daughter is giggling.) I am preaching the truth. I did not say I was preaching popular stuff. Stuff is in the bible about how we're going to die and be judged. There's gonna be people who go to hell that we said were going to go to heaven. And vice versa. I'm not bein' mean, I'm just being honest. You want to go to the doctor and just get a sugar pill? You want a preacher who just says everything is going to be OK. Haymayun! Please be prepared. The storm will come and go. Jesus is still here. 

We need to pray for all the people that's there in the storm. But we need to let them know they need to get ready and prepared to meet their god. They're boarding up their houses but they need to get ready for god. More people might be in church because of the storm. 

The last big event where people was going to church was 9/11. In the past 17 years, there's not been anything to make anybody skeered enough or worried enough to go to church. Let's share this video. I don't watch a whole lotta news because news is depressing. Hurricane season could go through november. Someone just opened a door and came in. Haymayun, good preachin. Hope everybody is having a good day. 

The end. I still need more wine. I'm glad he didn't say anything super horribly offensive like last time. 

[DancingPhalanges]

Ugh, thank you. What is with Gary and Jill R. Has the storm stirred them up? They are so WTF with their zero levels of self-awareness. 

 

[MarblesMom]

12 minutes ago, PumaLover said:

The last big event where people was going to church was 9/11. In the past 17 years, there's not been anything to make anybody skeered enough or worried enough to go to church.

Really, G-Haw? No one has gone to church all these years?!

Sometimes, it is not being skeered or worried, it is just about their relationship with God and their faith that drives them to go.

Not everyone needs an emergency.

[Beermeet]

Thanks @PumaLover!  Last recap, I watched after your fantastic recap and was disappointed,  you do it better!

So, another asshat that lives in NC that I knew posted this ( see below).  He is so up 45's ass it's unreal. He was safe and evacuated his family inland to a KOA.  But, omfg. Wut?!