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Bro Gary Hawkins 8: F is for Felony and No Longer Funny


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On 8/29/2018 at 7:36 AM, keepercjr said:

Just to clarify... Becky is 41 according to google.  Gary’s ex wife is supposedly 36.  Becky’s oldest is 19.  I think Gary’s oldest is 18 but i don’t know for sure.

How old is Gary again?

One thing I have wondered a lot about is him getting custody of the children after his divorce. In the Shoshanna Pearl gets legally hitched thread this comment struck me as interesting and possibly relevant to Bro Gary.

 

It's quite possible that all Bro Gary's ex did to lose custody was leave an abusive marriage and bring that up as a factor in the divorce.

 

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I'm going to make a wild guess here that Rose is a FJingerite.

Rose, I ? your moxie, girl.

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I'm watching his live video. I don't want to share it but thought I would recap like @littlemommy does for the Jill threads… then no one has to give him clicks.

He's tired from driving. He's going to preach on Sunday and then do some men's thing on Monday night. He says he doesn't have much but he does have JESUS. He then asks if we are saved and if we have been borned again and saved by Jesus.

He then talks about Jesus bleeding to death on the cross… I'm pretty sure that's not what happened. I remember learning in art history (I think) that you eventually die as a result of drowning from the crucifixion. I think all the fluid ends up in your lungs or something like that. Feel free to correct me, as this was 20 years ago.

He says hello mama! Not sure who his mom is. He invites Patricia to drive up from New York to see him preach. He throws in a HAYMAYUN. He yells about someone being SAVED! (FYI he's yelling the all caps words; I'm not trying to be ridiculous like JillRod.)

Talks about heaven and Jesus and stuff. REPENT! Mentions being borned again, again.

At this point he mentions he still has three viewers. Not sure why this thing is like 13 minutes long cuz the whole point of it is that you must be saved. You can watch the first 20 seconds and not miss much.

He says, I know, I know, I know that my name is written in the book of life. 

He keeps saying, do you know, do you know, do you know… my internet sucks and it keeps garbling what he's saying and it's kind of funny. I'm really glad I have a glass of wine for this.

He mentions that he has 5,000 friends and wants to spend eternity with them. THEN HE SAYS:

And I know I have those who are not my friends who are keeping a Very. Close. Eye on Me. Hi, Gary! Damn straight we are. Come clean with whatever you did.

All us dopeheads need Jesus. All us drunks need Jesus. All us tattooed people need Jesus (shoutout to Lori). All us girls who are cutting all our hair off. We need Jesus.

He's seeking the lost. He says I don't even give a flip and I thought he was going to say something else!!! He talks about how people don't let him come to their church, or they don't come see him when he's preaching. He positively screams about God and it's really creepy. Then he just kinds of cuts off, to the point I didn't know it was over. Here are some screenshots of him screaming. (putting under spoiler)

Spoiler

Bro GaryGary_haymayun.png.dfd73526e4bf657ae113225d4f2ecb89.png

 

Gary_itsgod.png

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I don’t know if it’s drowning, exactly. One of my history classes talked about it in college, and if I recall correctly, you basically die from a form of asphyxiation.

The position the body hangs in during crucifixion, with the arms raised and the weight hanging from the arms and shoulders, distorts the lungs and prevents them from inflating properly, and eventually as you get weaker and weaker, you just can’t breathe anymore and you die. Whether the lungs filling with fluid and/exposure to the elements is a part of that, I can’t remember.

I’m afraid to google it. 

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Mama is Sheila Hawkins. I watched part of this video, too, but I just can't stomach him for long.

Okay, I want to hear him say he knows we're watching him, so I am giving viewing this repugnant trash panda another shot. He's going on about how for the first 27 years he believed with his head, and I shouted, "you haven't ever done ANYTHING with your head, Gary." You bird-brained wanker.

Oh my lard, he just said reptobate. I had forgotten. I guess you're either "borned again" or a "reptobate."

I bet he did this live video in response to Rose, and maybe others who contacted him inbox, asking about him coming clean. He's waxing poetic about being a "different person," a "new creature." He's acting like he isn't every bit as utterly fucking gross as he ever was, though I do very much hope he has refrained from sexually assaulting children.

"Do you know that you know that you know" 

OH MY GOD GARY. WORDS MEAN THINGS. You remind me of a three-year-old repeating "and then and then and then" while telling a story because they're trying to figure out what comes next, and they don't want you to interrupt.

"'Cause Jesus is soon to return. He's coming home to take his children home with him. He's coming to get his bride."

GROSS. I'm sorry but that is gross and it squicks me out. I don't want to be anyone's child but my parents', or anyone's bride but my husband's.

He absolutely, 100% said that about people not his friends keeping a very close eye on him. @PumaLoverposted pretty much a direct quote. "Plus I'll have those that's not my friends that's gonna watch this video that's keeping a Very. Close. Eye on me." 

"And I ain't givin' up, and I ain't gonna quit." Oh, but you should. You really, really should, Gary.

He said he wants to spend eternity with us. If there is a heaven and he goes to it, I hope it's big enough for me to be permanently far, far away from this crap bag.

He said "I'm going to seek the lost" in such a smarmy way that I said "UGH" out loud, and my husband said, "What? What did he say?" Because ew. EW. DO NOT SEEK ME, GARY. I DON'T LIKE YOU.

"I'm going to reach the lost. I'm going after the lost." That sounds like a threat.

Y'all. The way he's talking, it seems like Gary thinks HE is Jesus.

He said people ask him what he does after people are saved. He says you start "disciplin'" them. You show them what to do, you show them how to act. I think Gary is probably, like, the worst dude to "disciple" people ever. Worse than Derick Dillard or even DRod.

He's going to do this by preaching the word of god. Now he's blathering about the lamb's book of life.

I'm not sure, but I think he said something about laziness and not going to church. His accent is so stupidly thick, I can't tell for sure, but that's...that's rich if he did. He is not someone who should preach on the perils of laziness. I'd say "physician, heal thyself," but if Gary is any sort of physician, then I am Queen of the World.

I don't know how he can blame anyone for not wanting him to come to their church.

He really did scream about God. Screamed.

This fucker is bananas.

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18 hours ago, PumaLover said:

my internet sucks and it keeps garbling what he's saying and it's kind of funny. 

It wasn't your internet, sis. It was garbled a lot for me, too...though really not a whole lot different from his usual speech. 

I wish I'd had wine. Or some pot. That would've made him maybe slightly more entertaining, even if it also made me eat my weight in Cheetos.

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15 hours ago, MarblesMom said:

I just cannot with preaching from a recliner.

Can you with the dirty plaid shirt? Or nostril shots? C'mon Sis!  :)

Maybe he worked himself up so much that he just expired at the end? RIP Gary. 

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Please could a kind Sister post Bro Gary's screaming post?!! 

I'm wide awake and need entertainment. Fuck menopause and bereavement.  

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All the hearts for you, @Gobsmacked.  Posting videos is a little beyond my expertise, but I'm sure someone will come along.

No Longer funny, indeed though.  Gary creeped me out on an insinctual level before, with his eating of the pink WEENS and aggressive tendancies in the popscrotchy vidyas, but it still felt all in good fun too, somehow.  Now I'm just like, not super surprised to find this out, but distraught in my own way.  I hope healing for whomever involved.  (<-- that's some true Annetterey back there, but Imma leave it, because it's real.)

I mean, this is a longtime ago for Gary.  I really hope this whole ministering, preaching bit is the real deal for him, and that he's well beyond any sordid past.  I truly enjoyed any Gary snark while it lasted, and I'll continue to peek and see where this goes, but my manner of enjoyment/participation just changed, is all.

best and peace to all y'all

in good weens

HAYMAYUNN

Sis Spanger, 9 lbs and something, I think.  Largest of my siblings, sorry mom!

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I wanted to see what he had to say for himself in the live video before this most current one. I went and got myself some pot first, though. Maybe that'll make him more palatable.

This is BEC, but he has a pig face, he's a piggy piggy pig man, which is insulting to pigs, I know. I'm getting a view straight up his stupid pig nose. I know I'm body shaming, but he deserves it. Also, he should invest in a 99 cent tube of Carmex from the Walmarts. His chapped lips are disgusting.

He's lookin' fer a scripcher. Because preparing by looking up said scripcher before starting the damn video would be too difficult and/or considerate to those waiting to hear his Werds of Wizdem. Or, as my lovely, intelligent husband just reminded me: GOD WORDS. 

(LOLOLOL. My husband: "Using 'I have GOD WORDS' in a debate is about as effective as saying, 'I HAVE WALMART POTATOES.'")

He's repeatedly repeating, "just waitin' fer folks to sign on" as y'all know he does, but this time it is bugging the crap out of this here heathen. In between repetitions of that, he's nattering about sharing "what's on my mind." HAHAHA, he just said, "let's just see what's on my mind," and my husband and I said "you don't have a mind, Gary," in unison. Then we fistbumped.

STOP LICKING YOUR LIPS. YUCK. No wonder they're chapped. DRINK SOME WATER, NIMROD.

"I don't wanna be disrespectful to anybody, I don't want anybody to think I'm bein' mean or rude" (like you actually care) "but we've got today, especially when it comes to our keeyuds, today, we want our keeyuds name written in everything, and know that they're at the top honor" (look, I actually drifted off for a sec and I'm not rewinding to catch what I missed, so let's move on) ..."a good education is good for you, I didn't say a bad education or one of those educations that you, uh, you take and run with it" (what?) "and makes you stupid...hello" (to someone who signed on, I guess, or maybe I'm giving him too much credit) "and uh, everything, but, we want our keeyudses name written on every kinda paper there is, you know when they're doin' school, you want their name at the top of the leeyust, so you know whose paper it is, especially if you got a few students..." GOOD LORD. Take a leaf from JillRod's book for her "keeyuds" and write yourself a script, ya tool.

This rambling is giving me a headache. He's talking about Christian schools now, or public schools, and how they have a few students. Having been a public school teacher raised by public school teachers, can confirm that public schools do, in fact, have a few students.

This is all building up to how "Gary Hawkins's name is, without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, written in the lamb's book of life." And how he's got seven "chil'ren" and he'd like all seven of them to have their names written in the lamb's book of life, but he's not sure about all of them. (I'd like to punt him into the stratosphere for that remark, because we know which ones he's talking about.) And he wants to know that his side of the family's names are all written in this book, too, because "I want 'em to be in heaven wimmee." And he wants to know that "muh in-laws and muh outlaws" "my wife's family, and people we know" LOOK THIS IS SO BORING okay as soon as I typed that, he got to the point. IF YOUR NAME IS NOT WRITTEN IN THE LAMB'S BOOK OF LIFE YOU WILL BE CAST BY GARY'S LOVING GOD INTO THE LAKE OF FIRE. And HE did not say this! THE BIBLE SAYS THIS. If your name isn't written in this book, HEAVEN IS NOT YOUR HOME. GOD SAID THAT, and he's not going to change his mind. "It's set in stone that if you're not borned again, and you don't get your name written in the lamb's book of life, you don't put your name, you don't"...y'all this gibberish is so rapid-fire, I can't keep up with it..."if you don't repent of your sin" BLAH BLAH BLAH. He then bellowed "you WILL NOT go to heaven!" 

Even pot can't keep me from wanting to throat punch this douche canoe.

He wants to know, with all sincerity (pah!) "Do you know, that your name, is in the book of life. Do you know that your name is wridden thar. You know you're saved." Now he's talking about how he doesn't want to be famous. But he does want to be famous with Jesus, whatever that means. A hell to shun and a heaven to gain. And there's going to be people who watch this, and he knows without a shadow of a doubt, people he doesn't even know watch his videos. "Not FRIENDS WIMMEE" he hollers.

They find out who he is. But he's just tellin' us, you better make sure your name is there. God ain't gonna say, "well, because you're so and so, and because you was up the ladder, and because you was educated, and because you was smart, and because you knew the book, and because of this, and because of that, and because of the ot--NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE" (we counted the NOPEs). God is not going to let you in if you aren't in the lamb's book of life. You will not, in any way, shape, or form, go to heaven.

Okay then.

Revelations says it ("read it fer yersayulf!" he yells), but it only counts if it's in the King James Bible, HAYMAYUN.

He then gives us the verse, but I don't give a shit. I have never molested a child; I'm not worried.

Now he's welcoming more poor delusional saps tuning in at this juncture. It's right around the 6:35? mark.

"People are heaven, think they're going to heaven, because that's just who they are." Then there is a long string of NOs. You're going to go to heaven only through Jesus. This is so fucking boring I can barely stand it.

There is still 12:40 left. Ugh. I don't know if I have enough marijuana. I don't know if the world does.

NO MAN! NO WOMAN! NO BOY! NO GIRL! AT THE AGE OF ACCOUNTABILITY is going to be in heaven without their name being written. Not one! Not one. 

FINE. I don't FUCKING CARE.

Now it's how someone is writing something bad about him in the newspaper or something. It's garbled (the technology this time--I felt I needed to point that out, since Gary...well. Y'all know what I'm saying, right?), so I'm not sure about the words he's speaking, or even if they are words. I feel kind of like I'm listening to Gary Hawkins reimagined as Charlie Brown's teacher, if you get me.

Everybody wants their name at the top of the list, but Gary wants his written in this book. And it is, because he repented, his heart, he opened up his heart and his mouth, he received him (sexy!), garble garble garble, HAYMAYUN!

HE GOT BORNED AGAIN AND HIS NAME IS WRITTEN WITH THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST. IN CASE Y'ALL WEREN'T AWARE.

Jesus knows his name. Garble.

He is positively (or negatively, depending on your take) FLAILING now, y'all. His arms are a'wavin' in tha AYUR. And he is screaming. GARBLE GARBLE. It is all a bunch of LOUD GARBLE.

(My husband: "All I caught is that 'he knows my name.' And God is all, 'hey Gerry.'")

(I love my husband.)

He's screeching, "That you KNOW, that you KNOW, that you KNOW" GAAAAHHHHHHHHH

There is GARBLE and now a smoke alarm beeping frantically has distracted him. OMG LOLOLOL: "Yes mah wife is burnin' the house down, halleluyer." I JUST PEED MY PANTS.

He just told her (I mean, I guess he was telling her? Idk, this is Gary we're talking about) "Swing yer hand up'air a lil bit." Tool. Get up there and help her, knobhead.

The fire alarm is still beeping. The video is cutting out and the sounds aren't lining up with his face hole. Or maybe it's that I'm high. I'll ask my husband; he's not high.

All righty! It's not because I'm high. Let's move on.

He wants all seven of his "chil'ren"'s names in the book. I mean, of course he repeats "lamb's book of life" but I think we know what book he's referring to because he has said it FORTY THOUSAND TIMES.

Y'all. I am only halfway through.

(to be continued, unless I don't make it through. If not, know that I loved you all)

 

 

 

 

 

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51 minutes ago, Texas Heifer said:

"Yes mah wife is burnin' the house down, halleluyer." I JUST PEED MY PANTS.

Priorities, halleluyer.

House, shmouse.   I am sure they will grift a new one soon.

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Recap live video from August 28 continued.

Seriously only halfway through, almost exactly. I'm at 9:53 with 9:35 left.

"Mah wife says hers is, hallerlooya. I hope so" and oh HELL NO, you dick. "You say, why do you say that?" and for the first time, I wish he weren't cutting out, so it wasn't so hard to figure out what he's saying about hoping his stepchildren, who live with their gay father (in case you're just now tuning in!), don't get cast into the lake of fire. 

I can't. It's garbled and the video itself is skipping. "She got saved, she repented of her sins" garble garble garble "rejecting Jesus Christ; that's the only thing that's gonna send you to hayull." 

So I can only assume that he believes Becky's ex, and possibly her children, have rejected Jesus.

He's listing off about a billion things that won't send you to hell. Being ugly won't send you to hell, jsyk. I wonder if he means physically ugly or the Southern colloquial ugly, which actually means being mean. (I literally nearly just typed, "the Southern colloquial ugly, which means being ugly" because it made total sense to me at first, but then I stopped myself since that actually isn't a helpful explanation.)

Either way, that's good news for Gary, since there is no kind of ugly that doesn't fit him.

There's so much cutting out that I'm not certain what he's saying, but I have caught "lamb" and "life" and maybe a "book" and a "repented" and letting Jesus into your heart, and really, it's just more of the same from this whole ridiculous speech. Trump is more articulate than this idiot.

Ask him to come into your heart. Ask him to be your lord and savior. That's what's on his mind. He's very very concerned about people saying they got saved, garble. Blah blah it says that when you get saved you become a new creature.

Right at this moment, I am desperate to introduce Gary and Kreacher from the HP Universe. I would love to see them go head-to-head in a cage match.

Oh my god he is mocking other people (and ended with another 3986 "no"s, like a machine gun loaded with "no"s followed by a NO. NO!). GARY YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO TALK.

"I didn't quit sinnin' because this flesh didn't get saved" Bahahaha, I know what you were trying to say, but I don't think it's what you actually said. I'm giggling a lot now because he is just so dumb.

"I try to sin LESS, haymayun, I try not to do as much sin as I used to do" is what I think I heard. "You say why, because I want to please my lord and savior, haymayun!"

Haymayun indeed. 8 minutes left.

He's asking us right now, he's asking us tonight, he's asking us this evening, do you know, that you know, that your name's written in the hecking book? DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW?

THEY DON'T KNOW THAT WE KNOW THEY KNOW WE KNOW. (Name that beloved '90s sitcom starring Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry together at the same time!)

His bible says that whosoever's name isn't written in the book gets jelly donuts for life. JUST KIDDING. THEY GO TO HELL. Lake of FIAH! *jazz hands* God will just cast your ratchet ass in there, because you suck and Gary doesn't, hallelooyer. I'm just glad he finally mentioned the KJV, since it took him almost half a sentence to mention the book of life again.

I don't know what he's talking about. His video is borked, so he's even more unintelligible than usual.

He just wants to know if your name is in the book. Again. He doesn't have to keep his salvation because of the lamb's book reading. I don't know. The fire alarm went off again. I'm suddenly afraid for Becky.

Now he's talking about testimony at funerals.

I guess God looks on your ashes. You'd think God had better things to do. More about "except you be reptobate."

You don't have to dress fancy to go to church. "Just somethin' about the spirit of god bein' all over you" (complete with acting it out, fake-caressing his own chest) (*hork*) "that people can know somethin' different."

K.

It's one of the best decisions you'll ever make. Making sure. Your name. Is written. Book of Life. I never want to read or hear the words "book of life" ever again.

God keeps it simple, stupid.

He's saying something about comments, and how he needs all the help he can get. Yes, we know.

Now he's acting like people actually call him "Preacher" and make excuses for themselves. Dude. I can not imagine that's true. I think Gary hallucinated that people give a shit what he thinks.

"'Preacher, I done this and I done that and I-" I didn't ask what you did," He tells us sternly. I am unmoved.

"Did you ask Jesus from your heart to come into your life and [garble]" "because if you didn't ask him, your name's not written thar. You have to ask. When my wife wants something and I don't know what it is, see my wife thinks I am a mind reader and I'm supposed to know everything." 

Well, AREN'T you, PREACHER? You're the blasted headship.

"But if I don't ask her what she wants, and she don't ask?" He makes a face like SOL, Becky! S. O. L. Stupid woman, amirite, Gar? I mean, it's not like I actually disagree with you here, Gar. I actually think it's ridiculous to expect someone to read your (plz note, I'm speaking to the general "your" here) mind. I think it's rude to make people figure out wtf you want and get mad at them when they can't. 

BUT I WOULDN'T TELL THE WORLD, GARY, THAT MY WIFE IS JUST A SILLY LITTLE DUMB WOMAN. You keep that bit of dirty laundry to yourself. Nice of you to embarrass her on purpose.

"You say why? I say, because I didn't know." And sure, point taken. But shut up and stop humiliating the woman who puts up with you being such an utter baboon on the regular.

Respect what he done on the Old. Rugged. Cross. *slurp*

Classy.

Ain't it wonderful to have a god that loves ya, that cares about ya? Something about god and that BOOK again.

Just because you're a good person doesn't mean you won't go to hell. Hell's got a lot of good people who wouldn't turn from their wicked ways. They've never become god's people, and that's just a real bummer for our Gary. It's sad, a la Trump.

DO you know that you know that you know that you know, that Jesus is the savior of the world? He's just askin' you. You answerin' the question?

They were in New York recently and they helped someone stranded on the freeway get off of the freeway, hallelooyer, praise the lord. Naturally, Gary started interrogating the boyfriend about whether or not they go to church, and he said he knew the boyfriend wanted to lie, but the girlfriend said, "Nope! We don't go to church!" Gary looks all SMDH. See, we can lie to ourselves, but ultimately we know whether we've been saved or not.

GARBLE.

You can get all the education you want to, but education ain't gonna get you into heaven. 

Lamb's Book of Life

DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW WE KNOW YOU KNOW

Lamb's Book of Life

HAYMAYUN

Do you know? DO YOU? 'Cause if it ain't, heaven's not your home.

He appreciates all of us poor wretches watching him be lame; spread it around, y'all, make sure everyone gets to see Gary be lame! And be completely inconsiderate of his wife, both physically and emotionally!

PEACE OUT! *Gary gives finger guns*

(no he doesn't, because in addition to being a stupid ween, he has no sense of humor, but I do)

 

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1 hour ago, Texas Heifer said:

You don't have to dress fancy to go to church. "Just somethin' about the spirit of god bein' all over you" (complete with acting it out, fake-caressing his own chest) (*hork*) "that people can know somethin' different."

Has - has he confused the spirit of God with weenie gravy stains?

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@Texas Heifer - oh good lard!  Thanks so much for the recap.  Each time I read about the smoke alarms going off I snorted with laughter and pictured reptobates and lakes o'fire.  :angry-devil:

Isn't Gary's father a pastor?  Are there more of them in the family?  He has to be one of a kind, right?!? 

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So I guess it’s pretty clear he does not read here? Any sort of addressing of this issue came from “Rose’s“ comment on his post and not from this discussion? I’m always curious which fundies read here and which don’t.

I would assume that if he were reading here and knew that we had been discussing this for several weeks he would’ve addressed it by now. Before a comment on his post.

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Well, this took a dark turn.  Never underestimate your instincts,  we all got vibes from him.  Way to go Gary, you disgusting fuck, now I can't laugh at you without feeling some kind of way.  

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2 minutes ago, Beermeet said:

Well, this took a dark turn.  Never underestimate your instincts,  we all got vibes from him.  Way to go Gary, you disgusting fuck, now I can't laugh at you without feeling some kind of way.  

One thing that occurred to me, and not that it specifically applies to Gary, but if you can't pass an employment background check because of a felony conviction, one option might be to hit the ol' religion (grifting) trail.  I assume none of these small churches look into the backgrounds of their visiting missionaries/preachers?

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