Bro Gary Hawkins 8: F is for Felony and No Longer Funny

[Hashtag Blessed]

Santa is a unisex freak of satan! (Can that be a post count title?) That’s one I’ve honestly never heard before. Amazing.

So they looked up the definition of “elves” in a Webster’s dictionary from 1828? Is the fact that it is super fucking old supposed to make it.....mystical? Or does antiquity=biblical? What nonsense. 

Also pagans throughout history are the known for NOT having one universal god. That’s kinda been their whole thing since, you know, the beginning of time. Or at least since Rome became Christian and started calling polytheists “pagans.”

Do they think any word that ends in “a” is feminine? Do they know that he was originally Sinterklaas? So not feminine by that dumb logic?

They can crack a 200 year old dictionary but not a goddamn history book, I guess. I’m sure their homeschooled children are getting a world class education. 

[Lisafer]

@PumaLover, beautiful recap. I'm so glad some of you listen to the videos so I don't have to.

When you mentioned that bit about Jesus nailing himself to the cross I had a fit of gigglesnorts. That sounds difficult to do!

And I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm positive that Bro Gary's God wants him to wear pants at all times and never show his nekkidness to anybody. Haymayun.

[Palimpsest]

16 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coin_in_the_fish's_mouth

HELLALOOYUH

But but but!  That was ebil Roman taxes not church tithes and outstanding bills.  Bro, Gary, you is slippin' misinfo'mation in that thar preachin'!

Although I am sure Bro. Gary has been lookin' in many fishy mouths to try to find drachma to pay his bills.  But writin' bad checks will suffice, even though secular law disapproves Jebus will wash you in Blood..  

9 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

Probably "works well as the bit between torso and lower legs, seems to be going OK for bipedal motion."

Nah.  Bible-wise it is from your loins "unto" your thighs.  The Bible never says must be to the knees and below,  "Unto" might be just onto your thighs so shorty shorts should be just fine.  Not tighty whities though.  They don't reach onto or unto the thighs.

But Bro Gary knows so much better than God.  Per Gary,  "unto" means to your ankles and you should still wear socks.  Not an inch of flesh should be exposed 'neath the loins. 

It will cause you to be raped if you think like Gary.  Yep.  His victim(s) must have exposed their ankles. 

He is a very ill person.

[Carol]

Can we all give a thumbs up to Becky for making sure Gary's shirt covers his belly under all circumstances?  I know I'm happy about it.

And thank you Gary for covering your waist to your feet.  Jesus wants you to use a paper bag to cover your head.  Eye cutouts are OK as long as they are minimal.

[mango_fandango]

There are a few boy names that end in 'a', Luca for example. And Ezra. This guy sounds like a dumbass. He's just clutching at straws to come up with reasons why Santa is Satanic and unbiblical. 

[thoughtful]

30 minutes ago, Ozlsn said:

10 hours ago, FundamentallyShocked said:

What Does God Think about Your Thigh?

Probably "works well as the bit between torso and lower legs,

Bible verses were connected by Gary,

In a way of which we all should be wary,

Blaming women for their rapes, well, how dare he

Ignore the word of the Lord?

 

The toe is exposed, and God will bless you,

The foot is exposed, and God will bless you,

The heel is exposed, and God will bless you,

The ankle is exposed, and God will bless you,

The calf is exposed, and God will bless you,

The knee is exposed, and God will bless you,

The thigh is exposed, and God condemns you?

Ol' Gary's out of his gourd.

 

 

 

 

[Palimpsest]

1 hour ago, Carol said:

And thank you Gary for covering your waist to your feet.  Jesus wants you to use a paper bag to cover your head.  Eye cutouts are OK as long as they are minimal.

Slight correction here.  I think a full-body potato sack would be best.  I don't think we should have to suffer and resist any glimpse of Gary's glory.  He is so defrauding. 

NOT!

[Dandruff]

8 hours ago, PumaLover said:

He wants God to be pleased with him, not people. He's screaming again. He's talking about the what God thinks about your thighs. You should wear pants all the way down to your ankles.

Like Jesus...didn't?  Then there's that matter of the hair.

I think the Lord has better things to do than get all judgmental about thighs.  Doubt that Bro's would defraud anyone even remotely in their right mind anyway.  I'm all for him staying covered up though, for other reasons.

I'd like to see him try to write poetry.  I think it would be really special.

Nid money giv 2 Bro, covir up so no ho, ppl r bein meen, I like ween

[Georgiana]

I think the most defrauding thing about Bro Gary is his mouth. It should be firmly, securely, and entirely covered by a piece of duct tape at all times.  

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

42 minutes ago, Dandruff said:

 

I'd like to see him try to write poetry.  I think it would be really special.

Nid money giv 2 Bro, covir up so no ho, ppl r bein meen, I like ween

I want him to doit to RAP music, like Ben. I would so watch that!     

[Black Aliss]

Interesting factoid: in most Pacific Island cultures the thighs were (and still are) considered erotic, but the breasts, not so much. Strictly utilitarian. So everyone wore some form of wrap that covered them from waist to mid-calf. Then, in the late 19th century the Christian missionaries showed up and totally lost their shit over the bare breasts. They basically invented the muu-muu, so now all Pacific Islander (in the developing nations) women have to walk around covered up in something that covers the breasts AND the thighs.

 

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

That’s very bad cause I love muu muus and caftans.  Stupid fundies have to wreck everything, we can’t have nothing nice. 

[AliceInFundyland]

One of the fundies I pay attention to is Candy Brauer (of late we discussed her 32 day bout with menorrhagia - ultimately cured by God). Her passion for home remedy may kill her or a loved one.

She is quite a bit more lucid than Bro. And she’s quantitatively smarter.

Except....she’s a fucking nutball too. She could just find a verse to back up “what does God think about your thigh?” Because she’s decided the KJV is the ultimate authority on everything. And the book is only so long. So when you devote your entire existence to making one book prove every gd thing in the universe, it gets pretty convoluted.

But they both have big old egos and this idea that they need to share with us.

And both of them probably voted for a man completely unlike them based on one thing he doesn’t give a shit about. Sigh.

If they voted... it’s possible these two could be nonvoters,

[mango_fandango]

I think Michelle Duggar claimed that the Bible says something about an uncovered thigh being nakedness. 

[Shoobydoo]

18 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

Brian is a friend of Ghaw.  Poor old maligned Santa and drunken Rudolf. How do these people come up with this nonsense?  

Green? Is Santa employing Martians? ?

[Black Aliss]

12 hours ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

That’s very bad cause I love muu muus and caftans.  Stupid fundies have to wreck everything, we can’t have nothing nice. 

Aww, you can still enjoy muu muus and caftans. Think of it as sticking a thumb in the eye of a missionary every time you wear one. I mean, it's not as if you were going around topless before you wore them.

1 hour ago, Shoobydoo said:

Green? Is Santa employing Martians? ?

I think it refers to their outfits which, if you've ever read or heard David Sedaris' Santaland Diaries, are green, at least when they are pulling shifts at Macy's.

But, where does the notion of Rudolph being drunk come from? His rosacea? Rudolph Libelz!!!

[Dandruff]

39 minutes ago, Black Aliss said:

But, where does the notion of Rudolph being drunk come from? His rosacea? Rudolph Libelz!!!

Good question.  If Rudolf was to get drunk, someone would need to provide him the drink.  Santa??!!  There may also be issues regarding operating an aircraft while under the influence.

I'm doing some critical thinking here...how does Santa and his flight crew accommodate changes in weather?  The red suit and hat would be fine from the North Pole down to maybe Florida, but the areas around the equator and the southern hemisphere would be another story.  Summer.  Exertion.  How does Santa not overheat during the trip?  If he takes the suit off, wouldn't he need to put it back on at every home in case a kid sees him leaving presents or grabbing cookies?  And where's a bathroom that he's allowed to use?

[Nikedagain?]

I've neglected the Bro threads. White supremacists have invaded my sweet little town and WE ARE NOT HAVING IT. So I've been busy.

How old is Caleb? I mean clearly this kid has been set up to fail since conception? Are we at all worried that when Gary reads here he will see that Caleb is chattin' up females and proceed to beat the shit outta him? 

If you guys want to "learn" more about the scourge that my friends and I are actively fighting - take a look at these winners on FB(all public, of course): Billy Sessions of the Hiwaymen and Freedom Crew National. Billy has a huge following. He likes to do his lives with no shirt. He's my fave. He espouses Christian values and every other word is Fuck. Then there is Jamie Wilson who actually came here and got scared off (I video'ed him hiding behind a tree when he came to town last time). He's more bible-centric in his racism. He's head of the Appalachian Mountain Patriots. He's doing the Lord's work by SAVING THE CONFEDERACY!  Then our local boy Tom Horne and his "Patriot Lounge". He's just a delightful fella who loves TRUMP! When he showed up to our anti-white supremacy party last weekend (he was having a memorial service for a STATUE. RIP statue), I seriously thought he might keel over. He has a plethora of entertaining conspiracy theories about us, the commies, and I believe him to be very, very dangerous. 

I just wanted to share my life with my sisses at FJ. Enjoy. 

[zeebaneighba]

3 hours ago, Shoobydoo said:

Green? Is Santa employing Martians? ?

Hooray for Santa Claus!

[Don'tlikekoolaid]

@Nikedagain? I have read the Facebook posts you mentioned.  Sorry these poisonous dirtbags have invaded your community.  Please all of you stay safe.  Dirtbags tend towards sneaky violence when frustrated, especially when they do it in the name of Jesus.  

[FullOfGravy]

4 hours ago, Shoobydoo said:

Green? Is Santa employing Martians? ?

And do they have Earth visas, or is Santa employing illegal aliens?

[Nikedagain?]

1 hour ago, Don'tlikekoolaid said:

@Nikedagain? I have read the Facebook posts you mentioned.  Sorry these poisonous dirtbags have invaded your community.  Please all of you stay safe.  Dirtbags tend towards sneaky violence when frustrated, especially when they do it in the name of Jesus.  

They suck. The CSA II: The New Confederate States of America are here right now, for a "prayer service". We are feeding students tonight while protesting. We're calling it the Anti-Nazi potluck. It looks like to me a couple of them are live streaming. 

[Briefly]

2 hours ago, Nikedagain? said:

I've neglected the Bro threads. White supremacists have invaded my sweet little town and WE ARE NOT HAVING IT. So I've been busy.

How old is Caleb? I mean clearly this kid has been set up to fail since conception? Are we at all worried that when Gary reads here he will see that Caleb is chattin' up females and proceed to beat the shit outta him? 

If you guys want to "learn" more about the scourge that my friends and I are actively fighting - take a look at these winners on FB(all public, of course): Billy Sessions of the Hiwaymen and Freedom Crew National. Billy has a huge following. He likes to do his lives with no shirt. He's my fave. He espouses Christian values and every other word is Fuck. Then there is Jamie Wilson who actually came here and got scared off (I video'ed him hiding behind a tree when he came to town last time). He's more bible-centric in his racism. He's head of the Appalachian Mountain Patriots. He's doing the Lord's work by SAVING THE CONFEDERACY!  Then our local boy Tom Horne and his "Patriot Lounge". He's just a delightful fella who loves TRUMP! When he showed up to our anti-white supremacy party last weekend (he was having a memorial service for a STATUE. RIP statue), I seriously thought he might keel over. He has a plethora of entertaining conspiracy theories about us, the commies, and I believe him to be very, very dangerous. 

I just wanted to share my life with my sisses at FJ. Enjoy. 

They sound like a really disgusting, evil bunch.  And yes, they do sound dangerous.  True believers often are.  I'm glad that they are finding it less than welcoming there.  They need to go away, just go away and never show their cowardly faces again.  Be careful!

[AliceInFundyland]

Definitive Resource on All Things Santa when I was small:  

https://www.amazon.com/Santa-Claus-Book-Alden-Perkes/dp/0818403810

I loved this book soooo much. It explained everything. 

Interesting Sidenote: The author is a hardcore Mormon. 

[MarblesMom]

On 9/8/2018 at 1:28 PM, Dandruff said:

Santa??!!

Oh yes, Santa.