Tori Bates' courtship- Part 3 Now Engaged - September 2017

[Coconut Flan]

What I told my kids when they got engaged:  go decide separately what each of you wants for the wedding, get together and see how close your ideas are and work out any differences, write it down, and do not let anyone try to convince you to do otherwise or you will eventually resent it.   One MIL had already decided what they should do and was highly, highly insulted when they wouldn't listen to her plans beyond the first sentence or two which involved a catering hall, her closest 400 friends, and that I would pay for it. 

[actuallyjessica]

1 hour ago, Coconut Flan said:

What I told my kids when they got engaged:  go decide separately what each of you wants for the wedding, get together and see how close your ideas are and work out any differences, write it down, and do not let anyone try to convince you to do otherwise or you will eventually resent it.   One MIL had already decided what they should do and was highly, highly insulted when they wouldn't listen to her plans beyond the first sentence or two which involved a catering hall, her closest 400 friends, and that I would pay for it. 

She sounds like a fun lady. *sarcasm* I'm curious how everything ended up, and how she took it?

[Coconut Flan]

She tried to argue, I countered with if I pay for this shindig then this is what I'll pay for either a city hall wedding and Subway reception in the backyard or the full Catholic wedding in our parish church with reception in the hall.  She's Jewish so I didn't think she'd like that one.  She flipped and flopped around for a few months and I wouldn't budge and neither would the kids.  They were married in a generic Christian service in a garden with a 70 person and no children limit.  Oh and they were married on a bridge with rules of no attaching anything so no chuppah.  It was what they wanted.  Her sister and I dragged the bride through wedding stores until she found the dress that made her face light up and we could barely get her to take it off.  It sparkled in the the setting sun at the wedding and the lights at the reception. 

Same lady canceled grandson's first birthday party because her husband was in the hospital.  Most of the rest of us weren't in denial that he was never coming home.  Daughter and I just moved the party.  She's a trip.

I'll see if I can post the dress.   All the beading and lace don't show as well in this one but you can get an idea. 

 

ETA:  After the wedding was over and her friends raved about the lovely dress and how relaxed everyone was and how much they enjoyed it she was surprised but pleased. 

[Incognito22]

On 4/27/2017 at 10:52 PM, neurogirl said:

I am getting engaged soon (hopefully!!!!!) and I am a big believer that everyone can have the wedding thats right for them. I want about 125 people, meaningful music, a lacey romantic gown, to release lanterns at the end of the evening, and for my wonderful partner to be waiting for me at the altar. Unfortunately, my (hopefully) future mother-in-law has been passive aggressively shaming me for wanting an engagement ring at all (not even getting one with a diamond or multiple stones), and a more traditional ceremony and reception affair. I adore her in many other aspects, but she seems to really think that anything traditional/romantic is shameful or at least "less than." I'm a neuroscience Ph.D student (hence the username), a decently capable adult, and have a very egalitarian relationship with my partner, but I still want to be a princess for one goddamn day. So in summary, I would actually LOVE the planning process, but I'm worried that not all involved parties will be supportive.

Ugh rant over. All of these weddings sound lovely!  

Screw them!  It's the one day in your life that it's about the two of you.  Enjoy that shit and make it look like Disney threw up all over your wedding. 

I find a lot of times when people have weddings, get rings, buy houses etc.  harsh comments come from a place of jealousy.  So have the wedding you tow want and break the cycle. 

[HarleyQuinn]

I hate when parents or in laws try to force old "traditions" on weddings. My mother was adamant about me doing the "something old, something new" thing and got supet pissed when I refused.

[Karma]

Lol showing my age, but I love that tradition.  I wore my mum's wedding veil as my something old, borrowed her gold chain, wore the obligatory blue garter and a new wedding dress.  I hope my daughter does the same - I've kept the veil, which is now 54 years old, and she loves it.  But I guess there is a chance that she won't want to follow that old tradition when/if she marries.  If that happens, I hope I will be gracious in accepting her decision.

[HarleyQuinn]

2 hours ago, Karma said:

Lol showing my age, but I love that tradition.  I wore my mum's wedding veil as my something old, borrowed her gold chain, wore the obligatory blue garter and a new wedding dress.  I hope my daughter does the same - I've kept the veil, which is now 54 years old, and she loves it.  But I guess there is a chance that she won't want to follow that old tradition when/if she marries.  If that happens, I hope I will be gracious in accepting her decision.

My mom's big thing was wanting me to wear this blue stoned ring that her ex-MIL gave her when she got married. Except she's divorced from my dad so said MIL hates her, the only finger of mine it somewhat fit was my thumb and I was allergic to the damn thing. Like, no. I'll pass lol.

[season of life]

My mother's engagement ring is back in her home country. She left it there for safekeeping because she wasn't sure she should bring it to America. She didn't wear a white veil because that's not traditional in her homeland. She actually cut up her white wedding dress to make ME dress as a little girl. I'm hoping that when I get married, I can include something old.

[Karma]

@HarleyQuinn, maybe she thought you'd like to wear something from your grandmother?  However, I can't imagine insisting my daughter wear something from my MIL if she hated me and I was divorced from her son, so maybe she was just really into the tradition at all costs? 

@season of life I think it's lovely that you had a dress made from your mum's wedding dress.   Did your mum keep the little dress?  

[VelociRapture]

I didn't want a train on my dress, but the one I picked had one. I intended to just keep it bustled the entire time - it would be a huge amount of time between photos after the ceremony and getting to eat during the reception (I'm big on punctuality and food.) My mom, on the other hand, was pretty adamant about my train needing to be down during the ceremony and photos. I wound up bustling it myself at home before the wedding and in all the excitement my mom simply forgot to check if my train was down. She hasn't commented on the train being up in all the photos or anything either. Score one Velociraptor!

I also had no interest in wearing a veil. I didn't want to spend the extra money and, again, removing it would require extra time before I could feed. My mom and sister didn't wear veils either though, so no pushback on that. 

And I didn't do the something old, borrowed, etc. either. I guess I was borderline non-traditional for a bride. I mean, my husband just managed to convince me to carry a bouquet down the aisle. So, you know, small miracles.  

[HarleyQuinn]

17 hours ago, Karma said:

@HarleyQuinn, maybe she thought you'd like to wear something from your grandmother?  However, I can't imagine insisting my daughter wear something from my MIL if she hated me and I was divorced from her son, so maybe she was just really into the tradition at all costs? 

@season of life I think it's lovely that you had a dress made from your mum's wedding dress.   Did your mum keep the little dress?  

She was. It definitely wasn't about me having something from my grandma. I have a quilt for that. lol

[Mela99]

On 4/29/2017 at 11:54 PM, Coconut Flan said:

What I told my kids when they got engaged:  go decide separately what each of you wants for the wedding, get together and see how close your ideas are and work out any differences, write it down, and do not let anyone try to convince you to do otherwise or you will eventually resent it.   One MIL had already decided what they should do and was highly, highly insulted when they wouldn't listen to her plans beyond the first sentence or two which involved a catering hall, her closest 400 friends, and that I would pay for it. 

Man I don't even know 400 people ... 

[ak1188]

Weddings bring out a whole new kind of crazy, so I can't say that I blame anyone who doesn't want to plan one. Fundie weddings, with the huge guest list and short timeline, sound even more stressful.

Mr. AK and I are planning our own very, very small wedding for this August and even that is stressing me out. Our family situation is complicated, so we've chosen to do a small civil ceremony with our four closest friends as guests, followed by food and booze at a restaurant managed by another good friend. While neither of us likes to be fussed over, I want to do everything I can to make the day feel special, since we're only going to do this once.

P.S. thanks to the FJers who wrote about how important it is to do what makes you happy instead of caving into other people's expectations. I've been feeling guilty about choosing to elope, even though I know from experience that the quickest way to ruin anything is to involve our families. Reading what all of you wrote was exactly what I needed.

[VelociRapture]

1 hour ago, ak1188 said:

Weddings bring out a whole new kind of crazy, so I can't say that I blame anyone who doesn't want to plan one. Fundie weddings, with the huge guest list and short timeline, sound even more stressful.

Mr. AK and I are planning our own very, very small wedding for this August and even that is stressing me out. Our family situation is complicated, so we've chosen to do a small civil ceremony with our four closest friends as guests, followed by food and booze at a restaurant managed by another good friend. While neither of us likes to be fussed over, I want to do everything I can to make the day feel special, since we're only going to do this once.

P.S. thanks to the FJers who wrote about how important it is to do what makes you happy instead of caving into other people's expectations. I've been feeling guilty about choosing to elope, even though I know from experience that the quickest way to ruin anything is to involve our families. Reading what all of you wrote was exactly what I needed.

Your wedding already sounds fantastic! Take lots of pictures And enjoy your day!!!

[season of life]

@Karma, you would think she would have, considering she made the small dress from her wedding dress, but unfortunately she did not keep it. She was never very sentimental about her wedding dress, so it was no big deal for her to get rid of it. That's too bad, since I never knew she made my small dress from her wedding gown and I would've loved to have it now as a keepsake.

 

[Shouldabeenacowboy]

On 4/30/2017 at 4:36 PM, HarleyQuinn said:

I hate when parents or in laws try to force old "traditions" on weddings. My mother was adamant about me doing the "something old, something new" thing and got supet pissed when I refused.

To add to that... My dad is a normal dude, but he comes from a pretty Catholic-fundie family. Huge family, small mentalities, poorly educated (by choice), etc. kind of like the Duggars but ebil Catholics.

When my brother got married, a few years before I did, several of my dad's family members told him that they refused to attend his wedding if he did not get married in a church. Note my brother is an atheist, and so is his wife, and so are his in-laws. My parents have differing beliefs but pretty much told him they would go along with whatever he and his wife to be wanted to do. 

My brother was really, really hurt by this. He is very collected and acts as the "tough guy", but he is very sensitive inside and was deeply hurt. I told him to tell them to f*** off and get married whichever way the heck he pleased. I am glad he listened to me and his wedding was wonderful and the way he/his wife wanted it to be, 

When I got married I asked my dad if he wanted me to invite his family. He asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him I had no desire to invite any of them, but would do so out of respect for him if he wanted them there. We ended up sending a few invitations but nobody came - which I was not surprised about and actually happy about.

Imagine the utter shock in seeing our wedding guests: mixed-race couples, homosexual couples, couples living in sin, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, wedding ceremony in a garden by the lake/no priests in sight...

[Jana814]

My first cousin got married almost 4 years ago. He told my aunt (his mother). He wanted a small wedding only family and his best friend from college. Imagine my surprise when my aunt's step-brother's wife wrote on Facebook how happy she was about being on the way to NY for a wedding. 

[OyToTheVey]

1 hour ago, Jana814 said:

My first cousin got married almost 4 years ago. He told my aunt (his mother). He wanted a small wedding only family and his best friend from college. Imagine my surprise when my aunt's step-brother's wife wrote on Facebook how happy she was about being on the way to NY for a wedding. 

I guess it depends on how you're raised but for me, mother of the grooms step-sibling is family. I sometimes call people family that have no blood relation to me. 

[Jana814]

6 minutes ago, OyToTheVey said:

I guess it depends on how you're raised but for me, mother of the grooms step-sibling is family. I sometimes call people family that have no blood relation to me. 

I was raised like that also. I call my aunt's nephews my cousins. Even though I have no blood relationship and they call me & my sister cousin also.   I was surprised they were invited because my cousin had not seen them in years. However, he did not invite their 3 children and I think they were upset over it. 

[neurogirl]

Kelly Jo talking like they're already officially engaged!

Although I must say I'm SO HAPPY Tori wants to wait (for the altar at least) until she has her degree, even if it's from Crown.

[Bethella]

3 hours ago, neurogirl said:

Kelly Jo talking like they're already officially engaged!

It looks like there's something on her left ring finger. It could just be her purity ring but it could be an engagement ring.

[neurogirl]

Good find!! I do think the Bates ladies wear their purity rings on their ring fingers...but UP/Bates family could totally be keeping it under wraps!

[HereticHick]

I don't know why Tori didn't take classes last summer (and this summer) in order to possibly speed things up and graduate in December. I know that Kelly said she was delayed by changing her major (I think from music to education). I wonder if she will do a semester of student teaching?

[front hugs > duggs]

I do unfortunately follow the Bates Fam on Instagram. Scrolling through yesterday, that pic came up and it looked SO NORMAL at a glance - I actually did a double take to see who I knew graduating anything because I'm 27 and my next generation of cousins and things are too young for that yet.

Very unfortunate that there is nothing "normal" about this family and their disgusting beliefs.

[SuhrEnity]

Bible and Youth Ministry Degree? 5 guesses as to what he wants to do with his life...

But... they are a cute couple.