Tori Bates' courtship- Part 3 Now Engaged - September 2017

[HarleyQuinn]

Funny. I planned a wedding while I was in college and working two part time jobs. Tori sounds lazy.

[ihaveanexamintwodays]

3 hours ago, infooverload said:

I thought per fundie relationship rules expectations were considered a negative thing.  Considering to our knowledge an official engagement hasn't occurred, yet she is planning on a wedding next May it's rather interesting.   I mean after all has he told her directly when he is planning on asking her father for permission to marry and she's viewing more as a formality?  The whole thing seems rather odd and she sounds more similar to a mainstream relationship in a way.  The postponing until completing the degree and having ideas about the planning.  I will say having your family just take over is incredibly lazy.  After all it is your day, shouldn't you care enough to have a voice.  Then again it's not as though she probably would be allowed much of one.

I believe in Bates-land, "courtship" is more like a serious-commitment/engagement/ish type period. by bobby asking her to court, they've agreed that they're serious about their relationship. A Bates "engagement" basically *is* the wedding-planning period, aka the typical 3-4mo for fundies I would expect.

[mydoggoskeeper]

13 hours ago, HarleyQuinn said:

Funny. I planned a wedding while I was in college and working two part time jobs. Tori sounds lazy.

I can't hate.  Planning a wedding sounds like my idea of hell.  Gives me hives just thinking about it.  

[HarleyQuinn]

48 minutes ago, mydoggoskeeper said:

I can't hate.  Planning a wedding sounds like my idea of hell.  Gives me hives just thinking about it.  

I guess I never found it that stressful. Annoying at times, but definitely nowhere near the stresses of a job or school. Pick a date, call some vendors, print some invitations, pick a menu, pick a dress, get some decorations, decorate, done. 

[mydoggoskeeper]

4 minutes ago, HarleyQuinn said:

I guess I never found it that stressful. Annoying at times, but definitely nowhere near the stresses of a job or school. Pick a date, call some vendors, print some invitations, pick a menu, pick a dress, get some decorations, decorate, done. 

stop.  just stop.  I'm itching just reading that!   haha

[Carm_88]

40 minutes ago, HarleyQuinn said:

I guess I never found it that stressful. Annoying at times, but definitely nowhere near the stresses of a job or school. Pick a date, call some vendors, print some invitations, pick a menu, pick a dress, get some decorations, decorate, done. 

My friend planned her wedding in her last year of university, in a different province with her fiance in a different country, she didn't find it stressful. 

[front hugs > duggs]

I'm sure it's different for anyone. I personally really did not enjoy wedding planning, and I think I would have felt that way even if I wasn't working full time. Mr. Front Hugs helped some, but I just found it slightly stressful and more so just not enjoyable (the planning! not the day or marriage itself). It also probably didn't help that my mom died about 3 months before our wedding (and had been in declining health all throughout). 

[VelociRapture]

1 hour ago, HarleyQuinn said:

I guess I never found it that stressful. Annoying at times, but definitely nowhere near the stresses of a job or school. Pick a date, call some vendors, print some invitations, pick a menu, pick a dress, get some decorations, decorate, done. 

I think there are likely some big differences. I'm going to guess you didn't have a massive wedding with several hundreds (if not a thousand) guests with homemade decorations all planned in three months? 

Totally their faults of course. They could always invite less people or have a longer engagement or something. But I'm guessing it's hard saying no to your parents on something important when they've raised you to pretty much never question their authority - and if they're telling the young couples who to invite or how long the engagement should be then they may not feel like they can really argue against it.

And for the record, at least Tori is pursuing some sort of higher education. Sucks that it's Crown, but she's interested in what she's learning about and that's something to be encouraged.

As for planning, the worst part for me was my husband. Because he really wanted the nice wedding, but then had trouble making decisions. Other than that it wasn't bad for me. Cake and food testing was the best parts. Lol!

[CreationMuseumCurator]

26 minutes ago, front hugs > duggs said:

I'm sure it's different for anyone. I personally really did not enjoy wedding planning, and I think I would have felt that way even if I wasn't working full time. Mr. Front Hugs helped some, but I just found it slightly stressful and more so just not enjoyable (the planning! not the day or marriage itself). It also probably didn't help that my mom died about 3 months before our wedding (and had been in declining health all throughout). 

THREE MONTHS! I'm so sorry, I can't imagine. My mom died six months before our big day, and I was a mess for the majority of the planning that happened after that point. I'm a planner, and had for the most part enjoyed it, up until then.

[HarleyQuinn]

1 hour ago, VelociRapture said:

I think there are likely some big differences. I'm going to guess you didn't have a massive wedding with several hundreds (if not a thousand) guests with homemade decorations all planned in three months? 

That's true, I wasn't planning for 1000 people  but they also get to skip planning for a dinner and DJ and a dance. 

[marmalade]

Once both the Lutheran and Dutch Reformed (my parents' church) rejeceted us and we realized that we'd have to be married at my parents' place, planning was a snap. Homemade picnic food for a summer afternoon wedding with reception in the backyard. I think we had maybe 50, including the littles. The most stressful thing was agreeing on the invitations! This was back in the day when they weren't postcards or 10 piece puzzles. Mr. Marma  had to deal with the fact that my love of purple wasn't just a fad. He should be thankful that our "cake" was really a tower of Italian creampuffs; that could have been purple, too. I KEED! 

Even the dress was no-stress. I went with my mother one day, walked into a shop, tried on two dresses, agreed the white one sucked, and bought the ivory one. No tailoring needed. Lucky me! 

Yeah, it was simple, but a princess gown would have been ridiculous. And at 5', I would have looked ridiculous in one. I went 1920's inspired and the best man and our dads wore tuxes with PURPLE TRIM in the ties. LOL

[SHERA]

On 4/5/2017 at 9:39 AM, Tangy Bee said:

Yep, heard about that to. I think I'm gonna research Christian colleges in the U.S. All these rules are interesting.

I went to BYU. Honor code (rules) are intact whether on or off campus, during school or Christmas/Summer break until you graduate. Rules are different if you are single, married, or grad student.

On 4/25/2017 at 6:02 PM, HarleyQuinn said:

Funny. I planned a wedding while I was in college and working two part time jobs. Tori sounds lazy.

I planned our wedding while doing my PhD and we were living in Europe and got married in USA. Tori is lazy. Or are they not taught how to multi-task?

[Angelic83]

@marmalade with your love of purple you sound like a friend of mine. She loves purple almost as she loves disney. She did choose the princess dress but her husband did have some purple in his suit and she chose purple flowers for her wedding bouquet.

[formergothardite]

I didn't enjoy planning a wedding and I had no desire for a large one, so I just didn't invite tons of folks and made is very, very simple. I was not only working and going to college, I had to pay for it myself. My wedding was cheap and small, but not having drinking, dancing and a full meal has had no impact on my marriage. Also, if I had said I wasn't going to plan my wedding and someone else had to do it, no one in my family would have done it for me. 

If Tori really hated all the planning of a large wedding, she could put her foot down, but I'm guessing she has agreed to let it be on reality television so a small wedding with few guest isn't going to happen. We all have to do things we don't like and if you have agreed to a large wedding then step up and help with the planning even if you don't like it and find it hard. 

[mstee]

I don't think Tori is being lazy by saying the others can plan it. My wedding is in a few months and I basically dumped it on my mom because she is all about the details and is happy to plan it.  Both my fiancé and I are in school full time and work and we're getting married in my parent's state (we live across the country) and we just are happy to be getting married. We will both be happy on our wedding day. I have only insisted on a few particular things and the rest we are really flexible about. I know it's going to make my parents really happy so it's cool with me. I feel like Tori is kind of the same way. Happy to have her wedding day, just not interested in the wedding details. 

[LawsonBatesEgo]

34 minutes ago, mstee said:

I don't think Tori is being lazy by saying the others can plan it. My wedding is in a few months and I basically dumped it on my mom because she is all about the details and is happy to plan it.  Both my fiancé and I are in school full time and work and we're getting married in my parent's state (we live across the country) and we just are happy to be getting married. We will both be happy on our wedding day. I have only insisted on a few particular things and the rest we are really flexible about. I know it's going to make my parents really happy so it's cool with me. I feel like Tori is kind of the same way. Happy to have her wedding day, just not interested in the wedding details. 

This will honestly be me as well.

I have a mother in law that I get along very well with who thrives on planning stuff and finer details. She LOVES it. Being told she can plan a wedding would be like 5 Christmases come at once for her.

Me? I can't stand planning/arranging stuff. I'd rather die than make phone calls. I'm not the type to enjoy planning  wedding. Flowers are flowers to me and table cloths, candles, invitation fonts and all that stuff pretty much look the same to me. 

I'll be more than happy when the time comes to pick a venue, tell her the kind of cake I want, what colours I've picked for the 'colour scheme' and the kind of look/feel I am going for, and then turn the rest over to her. We'll both happier. She gets to organise stuff, I don't have to make endless phone calls to florists. 

[neurogirl]

I am getting engaged soon (hopefully!!!!!) and I am a big believer that everyone can have the wedding thats right for them. I want about 125 people, meaningful music, a lacey romantic gown, to release lanterns at the end of the evening, and for my wonderful partner to be waiting for me at the altar. Unfortunately, my (hopefully) future mother-in-law has been passive aggressively shaming me for wanting an engagement ring at all (not even getting one with a diamond or multiple stones), and a more traditional ceremony and reception affair. I adore her in many other aspects, but she seems to really think that anything traditional/romantic is shameful or at least "less than." I'm a neuroscience Ph.D student (hence the username), a decently capable adult, and have a very egalitarian relationship with my partner, but I still want to be a princess for one goddamn day. So in summary, I would actually LOVE the planning process, but I'm worried that not all involved parties will be supportive.

Ugh rant over. All of these weddings sound lovely!  

[mstee]

@neurogirl that's a shame. I hope when the time comes, you and your (soon to be!) fiancé have the day that you guys want. Just be firm about the things that are important to you. You'll be the one wearing the ring and it'll be your wedding, so your opinion is the important one. 

ETA: I got all kinds of questions and looks about my unusual ring (even from family) but Its what I wanted and it's on my finger everyday. Just remember that your happiness does matter. 

[Shouldabeenacowboy]

I had my mom basically plan the whole thing and it was awesome, no stress, no pain. 

We initially thought we were going to hire a wedding planner, but my mom is local to the place we got married at (several thousand miles away from where my husband and I live), she is retired, and she is also one of those people who LOVE planning this kind of stuff. As a poster above said, it's like 5 Christmases to her!!!

I told her I wanted to get married on the lake, the type of gown I wanted, and the type of wedding bands we liked. The rest - whether we had such or such flowers, such or such tablecloths, that DJ/band, that makeup/hair person - I could not care less. 

She did it all and it was amazing! She scouted several venues, picked one, picked all the vendors, picked the seamstress who made my dress, and so on and so forth. My dad is a chef and picked out the entire menu, wine pairings, and wedding cake. I trust him 100% in the food department, and he knows the tricks of the business. 

Husband and I only took care of the invitations and the ceremony booklets, because we had them printed in 3 languages (English and each of our mother tongues) and hired a very nice mom&pop shop local to where we live and they custom made them.

Aside from that, husband and I basically just flew in a couple days earlier, final-fitted our clothes, and otherwise showed up the day of. 

To be fair, I put all my planning efforts... in the honeymoon planning! 

[VelociRapture]

16 hours ago, neurogirl said:

I am getting engaged soon (hopefully!!!!!) and I am a big believer that everyone can have the wedding thats right for them. I want about 125 people, meaningful music, a lacey romantic gown, to release lanterns at the end of the evening, and for my wonderful partner to be waiting for me at the altar. Unfortunately, my (hopefully) future mother-in-law has been passive aggressively shaming me for wanting an engagement ring at all (not even getting one with a diamond or multiple stones), and a more traditional ceremony and reception affair. I adore her in many other aspects, but she seems to really think that anything traditional/romantic is shameful or at least "less than." I'm a neuroscience Ph.D student (hence the username), a decently capable adult, and have a very egalitarian relationship with my partner, but I still want to be a princess for one goddamn day. So in summary, I would actually LOVE the planning process, but I'm worried that not all involved parties will be supportive.

Ugh rant over. All of these weddings sound lovely!  

If you had a lovely, romantic  elopement someone would shame you. If you have a lovely, traditional ceremony someone would shame you. If you had a lovely city hall ceremony someone would shame you.

You're cheap if you don't get diamonds, but you're reckless with money if you do. Ring can't be too big or you're a massive show off - but if it's too small then you're fiancé obviously doesn't care about your relationship at all.

Want an A-line dress with long sleeves and lace? You're obviously old fashioned and scared to show your figure off. Want a strapless mermaid dress? Put those sin pillows away! Don't you know Jesus (or whoever you worship) is watching?!

So basically, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Might as well plan what you want and enjoy every moment then run around trying to please everyone else. Whatever you plan, I'm sure it's going to be fantastic and just right for you guys.  

(And spoiler alert same goes for not getting married or whether you have kids - judged if you do and judged if you don't.)

[CreationMuseumSeasonPass]

I planned my wedding. My husband didn't really care too much about the details. Although, we compromised when it came to who would sing what at our wedding. My cousin's wife is getting her PhD in opera. I had her sing Edelweiss. Mr. Museum had our other singer do a choral rendition of "I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys. Guess which got more of a shocked reaction from the guests...

[missegeno]

I am getting engaged soon (hopefully!!!!!) and I am a big believer that everyone can have the wedding thats right for them. I want about 125 people, meaningful music, a lacey romantic gown, to release lanterns at the end of the evening, and for my wonderful partner to be waiting for me at the altar. Unfortunately, my (hopefully) future mother-in-law has been passive aggressively shaming me for wanting an engagement ring at all (not even getting one with a diamond or multiple stones), and a more traditional ceremony and reception affair. I adore her in many other aspects, but she seems to really think that anything traditional/romantic is shameful or at least "less than." I'm a neuroscience Ph.D student (hence the username), a decently capable adult, and have a very egalitarian relationship with my partner, but I still want to be a princess for one goddamn day. So in summary, I would actually LOVE the planning process, but I'm worried that not all involved parties will be supportive.
Ugh rant over. All of these weddings sound lovely!  

Are you me? But perhaps a bit closer to engagement than i am (things are complicated here). Neuroscience high-five, that's awesome. My suggestion is to do your wedding and ring how you want it. I'm partially saying this, too, because I need to hear it too. I feel like everyone expects me to buck tradition. But I dream of a beautiful (yet small and simple) diamond ring, and a dress with a train I can't handle myself. When else will I have the opportunity to wear something like that? I spend so much of my life in brutal reality. I want one day to be a princess. I feel like everyone around me talks about how much better it is to elope and instead put money on a down payment for a house. I get that and i think it's the smartest idea in a lot of ways. But i don't want to miss my once-in-a-lifetime. If i do end up walking down the aisle in the dress i want, i worry that everyone will be judging me for being frivolous spending money unwisely. Even though I'm not yet confronted with the decision, I worry about it a lot.

[VelociRapture]

4 hours ago, missegeno said:

 

Are you me? But perhaps a bit closer to engagement than i am (things are complicated here). Neuroscience high-five, that's awesome. My suggestion is to do your wedding and ring how you want it. I'm partially saying this, too, because I need to hear it too. I feel like everyone expects me to buck tradition. But I dream of a beautiful (yet small and simple) diamond ring, and a dress with a train I can't handle myself. When else will I have the opportunity to wear something like that? I spend so much of my life in brutal reality. I want one day to be a princess. I feel like everyone around me talks about how much better it is to elope and instead put money on a down payment for a house. I get that and i think it's the smartest idea in a lot of ways. But i don't want to miss my once-in-a-lifetime. If i do end up walking down the aisle in the dress i want, i worry that everyone will be judging me for being frivolous spending money unwisely. Even though I'm not yet confronted with the decision, I worry about it a lot.

 

Like I said earlier, people will always find things to talk about. Even if you planned something they all agreed on was the only acceptable option, someone would still manage to find something to say about it.

What can you do? You can either listen to them and do exactly what they want. You may end up happy with the results or you may end up miserable and resentful. Or, you and your partner can plan what's right for you as a couple. It will likely mean compromising because many engaged couples don't see eye to eye on absolutely everything when wedding planning. But at the end of the night, you guys can take a lot of pride in knowing you've created really special memories together.

(And that last part applies to any type of wedding or elopement. Not just the fancy princess wedding type days.  )

So basically, you can either let other people's opinions dictate how you celebrate the start of your marriage or you can say fuck all y'all and do what's best for the two of you. Just make sure you guys have fun regardless of what you choose.

[Fascinated]

I agree with everything @VelociRapture has said here. Case in point:  some of you may have noticed that I start the odd post with, 'I'm an atheist...', but I allowed certain people (ok, in-laws) to convince me to marry in a church (catholic, which is irrelevant).  I don't think about it too much but, when I do, it is with deep regret.  I hate that I caved. I hated standing there making vows to god. I can't believe I did that.

So, everyone, the two of you decide as a couple how you want your wedding to be.  Don't let anyone force you into anything you aren't comfortable with. And that stands even if they are helping pay for it!!  Be stronger than I was. It does not matter what anyone else thinks!!!!

[Percy]

1 hour ago, Fascinated said:

I agree with everything @VelociRapture has said here. Case in point:  some of you may have noticed that I start the odd post with, 'I'm an atheist...', but I allowed certain people (ok, in-laws) to convince me to marry in a church (catholic, which is irrelevant).  I don't think about it too much but, when I do, it is with deep regret.  I hate that I caved. I hated standing there making vows to god. I can't believe I did that.

So, everyone, the two of you decide as a couple how you want your wedding to be.  Don't let anyone force you into anything you aren't comfortable with. And that stands even if they are helping pay for it!!  Be stronger than I was. It does not matter what anyone else thinks!!!!

Agreed, stick with what is important to you as a couple.

Advice, don't go over budget or put it on credit cards.  Article in today's paper about a couple paying off their wedding debt 8 years later.