What's with these jerk adoptive mothers?

[PsyD2013]

 Kimi's imagined sibling rivalry post was a WTF read.  She felt intense loyalty to an imagined child.  Apple was her favorite before she was identified as an actual referral.  Why not intense loyalty towards the other three children she adopted?  Kimi has clung to the schema of the family she created in her mind prior to the adoptions.  When the girls did not meet her expectations, Kimi has reacted with the put downs and over sharing her daughter's private information.   Kimi should have stuck with one reborn babies to dress up.  

[apandaaries]

She often gets such mixed replies.  Some offer good advice, and others...not so much.  Obviously she disregards the good stuff, but it's kind of amazing she can do so with such consistency.  It's also incredibly bizarre that Apple was already her favorite, and Jie Jie named ("big sister") in relationship to the favored youngest before the youngest appeared.  

It's all so disheartening to read.  Even in horrible situations, like those that Serene Allison's adopted children encountered, the adopted kids still want somewhere to call home and some people to be their parents. They often wind up reuniting (or trying to do so) years later: http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2013/04/christian-evangelical-adoption-liberia?page=3  I cannot fathom the depth of the callousness of these adoptive parents.  I suppose Kimi's persnickety nature has at least ensured that the girls have their citizenship firmly established, which is excellent, because Serene (daugher of Nancy Campbell of Above Rubies fame) and her husband didn't bother to do that for the children they adopted.  I just can't comprehend how someone could do that to a children (or worse, children) and convince themselves they are "helping" the child/ren.  They are so disconnected from reality.

[ILoveJellybeans]

This woman is weird. Who puts so much into imaginary children, before she has even started the process to adopt them. I hope that Jie Jie and Apple aren't real names, as that is even weirder, especially as Jie Jie apparently means big sister. How do you have a favourite imaginary child anyway? I feel sorry for the kids, they will always be second best to Apple, as she was the favourite before she was adopted. Or existed, that post was from 2010, Apple is about 4?

[DaisyD]

Those are not the kid's names. She uses nicknames for all 4. It is the only really respectable thing she's done for those kids. 

[blessalessi]

I know they are not their real names, but it is hard to imagine that her very strong feelings are not conveyed to the children, when their nicknames were created before they were known to her, and have been carried through her blog on a near daily basis for so many years.

22 minutes ago, ILoveJellybeans said:

How do you have a favourite imaginary child anyway?

This is so darkly funny and tragically sad at the same time.

[DaisyD]

Oh, I'm certain that she treats them exactly like she talks about them. Apple is her favorite. Jie Jie is second. Blossom and Sissy switch based on who she thinks is plotting against her at the time. I don't think she really likes either of them though. She'd have been better off with just the two youngest. I think it was suggested to her at some point that adopting a teenager would make her look good or something, then all of a sudden she was dreaming of adding a teenager to her family. 

[EyeQueue]

21 hours ago, amandaaries said:

She often gets such mixed replies.  Some offer good advice, and others...not so much.  Obviously she disregards the good stuff, but it's kind of amazing she can do so with such consistency.  It's also incredibly bizarre that Apple was already her favorite, and Jie Jie named ("big sister") in relationship to the favored youngest before the youngest appeared.  

It's all so disheartening to read.  Even in horrible situations, like those that Serene Allison's adopted children encountered, the adopted kids still want somewhere to call home and some people to be their parents. They often wind up reuniting (or trying to do so) years later: http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2013/04/christian-evangelical-adoption-liberia?page=3  I cannot fathom the depth of the callousness of these adoptive parents.  I suppose Kimi's persnickety nature has at least ensured that the girls have their citizenship firmly established, which is excellent, because Serene (daugher of Nancy Campbell of Above Rubies fame) and her husband didn't bother to do that for the children they adopted.  I just can't comprehend how someone could do that to a children (or worse, children) and convince themselves they are "helping" the child/ren.  They are so disconnected from reality.

I just read this article (thanks for the link).

How the F! do people still support Trim Healthy Mama after she was implicated in this shit? Do none of these people ever have the face the consequences of their actions? They f'd up at least 8 lives of their adoptees, and people are still buying what they peddle? I just can't.

[justwatching]

Wait - according to a recent blog post, her "family" was selected to receive a "family" gift to help through the holidays.  Since she doesn't need food or clothing, she asked for (and received) a bike trailer for Princess Apple.  Not doubt the other 3 will just have to find *their* joy in watching her have fun on what should have been 75% theirs.

[Miranda]

This woman sounds like a train wreck and I feel so sorry for those poor girls. But at least she's getting regional center services for at least one child and trying to get it for two more of the girls.

[thebestusername]

Hm I'm starting to think that in ATI circles Bill Gothard's "no adoption" may be a good thing even if he didn't realize why.

[keepercjr]

I checked in with the blog of the lady who was considering disrupting her adoption of the girl in China who turned 14 a few days ago.  She seems almost as bad as Kimi with her treatment and expectations of her newly adopted daughter.  In fact she has wanted to disrupt at least once when they got back home.

http://expectingsomethingsobigfromgod.blogspot.com/

Quote

once in the care she refused to put on her seatbelt until I said we would just have to sit here all night as I wasn't moving the car until she put on her seatbelt! Click it went on! 

She finally told us what was wrong! She told the girls I was mean, mean no, firm yes! It's my job as mom! She was mad that I had taken her camera away, days ago, thus the tears! Avery lost her camera because she refused to listen! She will earn her camera back once she learns to listen and obey!

Tonight she is writing Ephesians 6:1 in Chinese characters and English! She's not happy about this but it is time to start planting God's word and instructions into her heart and mind! Oh, I had to set the timer (20 minutes) to get her going as she has a very strong will that will serve her well in the future!

I just notched this in a post where she expressed a desire to disrupt the adoption but changed her mind.  Want to bet it was our dear Kimi she talked to?

Quote

Looking back I can see that once again Avery was in a new environment and that brings out her worse. I was also able to talk to a dear friend that called at just the right time! She too has adopted older girls, three in fact! I immediately realized after talking with her that what I'm going through is nothing compared to her and that I should be ashamed for not manning up better! She did not imply this at all, in fact she was so loving and supportive, and I love her dearly!

 

[inabauers]

The overuse of exclamation points gave me a headache! It sounds like she was yelling almost everything! 

[pnwgypsy]

I checked in with the blog of the lady who was considering disrupting her adoption of the girl in China who turned 14 a few days ago.  She seems almost as bad as Kimi with her treatment and expectations of her newly adopted daughter.  In fact she has wanted to disrupt at least once when they got back home.

http://expectingsomethingsobigfromgod.blogspot.com/

Quote once in the care she refused to put on her seatbelt until I said we would just have to sit here all night as I wasn't moving the car until she put on her seatbelt! Click it went on! 

She finally told us what was wrong! She told the girls I was mean, mean no, firm yes! It's my job as mom! She was mad that I had taken her camera away, days ago, thus the tears! Avery lost her camera because she refused to listen! She will earn her camera back once she learns to listen and obey!

Tonight she is writing Ephesians 6:1 in Chinese characters and English! She's not happy about this but it is time to start planting God's word and instructions into her heart and mind! Oh, I had to set the timer (20 minutes) to get her going as she has a very strong will that will serve her well in the future!

I just notched this in a post where she expressed a desire to disrupt the adoption but changed her mind.  Want to bet it was our dear Kimi she talked to?

Quote Looking back I can see that once again Avery was in a new environment and that brings out her worse. I was also able to talk to a dear friend that called at just the right time! She too has adopted older girls, three in fact! I immediately realized after talking with her that what I'm going through is nothing compared to her and that I should be ashamed for not manning up better! She did not imply this at all, in fact she was so loving and supportive, and I love her dearly!

 

This Vicky needs her own thread. I lost track of how many kids she has at home. Single mom, employed & homeschooling with a new adopted teen from China? How does that work?

[keepercjr]

Vicky has 5 teen girls from China.  

[Rubaiyat]

Wait, wait, wait.  So V-mom has her newest TEEN home from China for what?  Three weeks?  And she's already mentioned disruption and rehoming a handful of times?  Including because a 13 year-old, in a foreign country, in a foreign language, from a hard background...might have trouble working independently during homeschooling time when mom is at work?!?  

So, I know I said I'd quit with the personal anecdotes, but we're 9 days into our older child sibling adoption placement chez us, and I will totally admit that we're finally getting to the all-the-kids-are-driving-each-other-crazy-and-being-awful-to-each-other stage (we have 4, 2 are new.)  What's apparently odd however, is that not once has is even entered our minds that this might not work.  This stuff is DIFFICULT!!  I don't know about y'all (sorry, I'm from Texas) but I can't even begin to imagine going through everything my kids are going through WHILE being held hostage by puberty!!  

I know it's bad manners to yell.  I'm just flabbergasted.  Who pays tens of thousands of dollars - after grifting much of it from family and friends - suffers through months if not years of paperwork and bureaucracy, flys to CHINA, fights for a teen, and then decides she might need to throw in the towel after less than two weeks?  It's not just me, right?  This is insane?  Or, if she's merely venting, she does know that she's on the internet, yes?  In full view of God and everyone?  

Ugh.  I'm going to bed.   

 

[Iamhispurity]

Ugh. And of course she seems to feel like Avery is doing everything just to hurt her.

[bertnee]

I hate the term "disrupting" and "rehoming" makes me want to throw up. Adopted children aren't puppies. Call it what it is: abandoning your child.

[LilMissMetaphor]

I was considering posting about Vicky the other day too because she was making me ragey.  Every day since she brought Avery home, there was a new post that boiled down to "Will we disrupt or won't we? Stay tuned!" like it was a soap opera instead of a child's LIFE and future.

Literally.  One day she'd be all: "Oh, Avery said something mean to one of my other girls! We might have to disrupt!" And then a day later: "Oh, Avery gave her sister a hug today! God is answering prayers! We're going to make it!"

I don't think Vicky is as mean or crazy as Kimi at all.  But these women need to learn what being a parent involves.

[Koala]

I knew this would happen.  The older girls won't really need anything, so she'll rewrap something they already own and give it to them.  HUGE Christmas for Apple though. Stay tuned for loads of pics of all of the toys.

[blessalessi]

I'm so sad for those older girls who will probably feel the difference so much more than the little one might. They have lived lives of deprivation and now have to be grateful for the crumbs from the table. A wealthy table, but still, they must sense the way they are treated as "less than".

[alexandracabot]

Oh my God, is Vicky actually a worse adoptive mother than Kimmy? It seemed impossible, but the way this woman is so callously and casually weighing whether or not to give away her child based on minutae like whether she can do her homework or how often she hugs her is horrifying beyond comprehension.

"The process takes time, lots and lots of time. Some days you move forward and some days you are definitely moving backwards! Our next BIGGEST issue will be school! I'm not convinced that Avery can work independently, and this will be an issue that will greatly determine if she can remain with us or have to be rehome."

http://expectingsomethingsobigfromgod.blogspot.com/2015/12/our-new-normal.html#comment-form

[ILoveJellybeans]

8 hours ago, alexandracabot said:

Oh my God, is Vicky actually a worse adoptive mother than Kimmy? It seemed impossible, but the way this woman is so callously and casually weighing whether or not to give away her child based on minutae like whether she can do her homework or how often she hugs her is horrifying beyond comprehension.

"The process takes time, lots and lots of time. Some days you move forward and some days you are definitely moving backwards! Our next BIGGEST issue will be school! I'm not convinced that Avery can work independently, and this will be an issue that will greatly determine if she can remain with us or have to be rehome."

http://expectingsomethingsobigfromgod.blogspot.com/2015/12/our-new-normal.html#comment-form

This woman talks about her kids like Erika Shupe talks about her dogs.

[keepercjr]

i read a lot of her blog the other day.  Vicky's girls seems happy and well adjusted.  I don't think she is as bad as Kimi but the way she is dealing with Avery, who hasn't even been home a month, is pretty darn terrible.  I think at this point, If rehoming weren't so taboo she would have done it already.  She had 4 relatively easy adoptions but this one is hard.   And she seems to value the girls being bonded to eachother as she always adopted in pairs and tried to do so this time around but was told she was too old to have 6 teens at home (she is either just turned 60 or is about to).  Kimi is threatened by her girls bonding to eachother.

what also gets me is that she is a single working mom so the girls are home all day when she works.  I think she is a nurse.  Her adult son and her young grandson live with her so there is adult supervision but he isn't working with them.  She took a leave but will be returning to work.  If Avery can't work by herself then what?  Rehoming?  I wonder what the consequences are for not doing work while she is gone.

[ViolaSebastian]

21 hours ago, alexandracabot said:

Oh my God, is Vicky actually a worse adoptive mother than Kimmy? It seemed impossible, but the way this woman is so callously and casually weighing whether or not to give away her child based on minutae like whether she can do her homework or how often she hugs her is horrifying beyond comprehension.

"The process takes time, lots and lots of time. Some days you move forward and some days you are definitely moving backwards! Our next BIGGEST issue will be school! I'm not convinced that Avery can work independently, and this will be an issue that will greatly determine if she can remain with us or have to be rehome."

http://expectingsomethingsobigfromgod.blogspot.com/2015/12/our-new-normal.html#comment-form

Why in the holy hell can't Avery go to public school if she can't work independently?  That seems like less of an extreme option than "can't do math by yourself? out the door with ya!"

[Mercer]

 

Quote

I'm not convinced that Avery can work independently, and this will be an issue that will greatly determine if she can remain with us or have to be rehome

 

The relationship between the child and the adoptive parent will never work out if the parent is keeping one foot out the door saying "I'll rehome if..." and giving a condition. (And frankly, this condition is trivial.) The parent has to be fully committed, and keeping an out for yourself in the back of your mind is not going to help you keep the promise you made to this child. From the child's standpoint, if they think the parent is going to walk away, there's a good chance they'll sabotage just to get the abandonment over with. If you go in with the attitude that this is optional and may or may not be permanent... well, odds are it won't be.

There are times when a child has to be removed from a home for the safety of the other family members or themselves. It's sad, but sometimes it's the least bad outcome. This is not one of those times. Basing the decision about whether to keep a child in your home or send them away on whether they meet your standards for behavioral and educational performance is just twisted.

Adoptive parenting is parenting. You don't get to just give them away on a whim and still call yourself a good person, any more than you would with a biological child.