What's with these jerk adoptive mothers?

[blessalessi]

1 minute ago, PsyD2013 said:

Kimi got out the shears and gave Blossom a haircut that looks like it was done with a hedge clipper- an "institution style bob".

If you look at the photos, both Blossom and Sissy had fresh faces and quite a spark to them when they came out of the institutions.  They both had a history of having caring house-parents and strong friendships with their peers.  

Ironically, they came to look institutionalised only after being adopted and "brought home" to the West. Most of their "special needs" seem to have intensified since then too. 

[PsyD2013]

1 minute ago, blessalessi said:

If you look at the photos, both Blossom and Sissy had fresh faces and quite a spark to them when they came out of the institutions.  They both had a history of having caring house-parents and strong friendships with their peers.  

Ironically, they came to look institutionalised only after being adopted and "brought home" to the West. Most of their "special needs" seem to have intensified since then too. 

Agreed blessalessi The "special needs look" came after coming home to Kimi.  Blossom's haircut reminded me of old pictures from mental institutions.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Blossom's hair wasn't that bad, it looked better before she got a haircut.

 

I don't know why Kimi is so annoyed that Blossom's hair doesn't look good to her. Making fashion choices that their parents don't approve of and looking a bit of a mess for a bit while thinking it looks cool is pretty much age appropriate for a preteen/young teen. How many of us wore completely weird clothing, did our make up in an awkward, unflattering Jill Rodriguez way, or experimented with our hair? All of us probably did.

 

Her hair, her choice.

[DaisyD]

I had a black and yellow striped mohawk at that age. Blossom's hair was fine.

[Kate11]

The last time I got more than a few inches of my hair cut off I cried, and that was when I asked someone to do it! I cannot imagine what I would have felt like if someone had forced me to cut off that much of my hair. I'm an adult and there are some days where I can't even begin to keep my hair "neat and tidy." That's why wear my hair in a ponytail most days!

[blessalessi]

22 minutes ago, PsyD2013 said:

The "special needs look" came after coming home to Kimi.  Blossom's haircut reminded me of old pictures from mental institutions.

Yes, their facial expressions also sometimes have that "institutionalised" look to me.

I want to be careful in how I say this because I hate snark on young people's appearances and armchair diagnosing of "special needs".  But what is going on on Kimi's blog looks to me like a reversal of what we should expect to see when adoption is successful.

Apple is clearly adored and it shows.  Of the four girls, she is the one with a visible special need, because of course a child will look different while undergoing cranial restructuring.  But actually, Apple is thriving and has such a happy appearance that the first thing I notice is not her impairment but an expression of mischief and joy all over her little face.  Which is just as one would hope an adoption story to turn out.

The older two are not impaired physically in any visible way, and from the way Kimi is constantly arguing with, and changing up health care and educational professionals who try to tell her that her children are not as delayed as she thinks, they probably don't have significant developmental delays either.  And they can all look lovely and sparky when they are engaged in activities they enjoy.  But so often they look blank and fed up, and it's no wonder against the regime and rules Kimi lays out for them.

[justwatching]

I think "The Firefighter" is actually there because of the girls, not in spite of them.  It appears to me that they get a lot more appropriate attention & parenting from him than they do her.  My guess is he sees that he's their only chance at a somewhat normal parental relationship.

Also, the sentence in her most recent post about finding a "safe place to stand outside" while neighbors were shooting off gunfire on NYE????

[Rubaiyat]

Re: the haircut.  Wow.  Just...wow.  I'm one of those weird moms who refuses to cut my child's hair unless they want it cut.  How can I possibly teach my children that their bodies belong to them, and only to them, if I violate that almost instantly with a forced haircut?  We also don't punch holes in people (ear piercing) unless they ask, and tell the piercer themselves that this is what they want.  My older daughter wanted her ears pierced, so I took her.  She SCREAMED after the first ear, and I told her - in no uncertain terms - that there was no reason in the world she had to get the second one done if she didn't want to.  She told me "no, mom, I can handle this."    Crazy kid.  She screamed just as loud after the second one, too!  But, it was 100% her decision!!

 My younger son had his first haircut near his 6th birthday.  Drove my in-laws batshit.  It's HIS head!!  I'm not going to cut things off of it if he says no!  I'm the same way with glasses.  It's your face.  If you don't feel good, you won't look good.  

Sigh...why is this such a difficult concept for people?  Sure, sometimes my kids look a way I wish they would change.  They're KIDS!!  However, they are also their own people, and as such deserve to find their way to a "look" that makes them happy and feel good.  They also deserve to live a life as free from body violations as I can make it.  Right?  

[desertvixen]

I have told my daughter that if she can't take care of her hair properly, that we will see about having it cut, but we're talking things like not brushing it well enough, not making it super neat. 

That, and making sure she has the tools for it to be taken care of.  But other than the "taking Mommy's scissors to my hair" incident where she had to get her hair cut short to be even all around, there's no cutting her hair short to be a jerk.

[elliha]

44 minutes ago, Rubaiyat said:

Re: the haircut.  Wow.  Just...wow.  I'm one of those weird moms who refuses to cut my child's hair unless they want it cut.  How can I possibly teach my children that their bodies belong to them, and only to them, if I violate that almost instantly with a forced haircut?  We also don't punch holes in people (ear piercing) unless they ask, and tell the piercer themselves that this is what they want.  My older daughter wanted her ears pierced, so I took her.  She SCREAMED after the first ear, and I told her - in no uncertain terms - that there was no reason in the world she had to get the second one done if she didn't want to.  She told me "no, mom, I can handle this."    Crazy kid.  She screamed just as loud after the second one, too!  But, it was 100% her decision!!

 My younger son had his first haircut near his 6th birthday.  Drove my in-laws batshit.  It's HIS head!!  I'm not going to cut things off of it if he says no!  I'm the same way with glasses.  It's your face.  If you don't feel good, you won't look good.  

Sigh...why is this such a difficult concept for people?  Sure, sometimes my kids look a way I wish they would change.  They're KIDS!!  However, they are also their own people, and as such deserve to find their way to a "look" that makes them happy and feel good.  They also deserve to live a life as free from body violations as I can make it.  Right?  

As long as my daughter was young enough to not have views about hair I cut it anyway I wanted but now at 3 she has started saying how she wants it and that is fine. I did talk her into a trim of her bangs which she agreed to as long as I would not "take all the hair" and I explained that it would just be very little, so little that most people would not even be able to see it. She was quite satisfied once it was done and said it was pretty which was a big relief. She now wants long hair and we are now going for it (she has somewhere between jaw- and shoulderlength now).

Pierced ears is a definite no until she turns 6 and then only if she asks for it. She has actually asked for it (we live in a multicultural area where many pierce their baby girls' ears right away but I told her it hurts and she has to have started school before I want her to have them pierced (ie turned 69. She said OK and didn't ask for it again so I assume it is not a big thing for her.

[DaisyD]

Hair has to get brushed in my house. That's a must (I've also had dread locks and am uninterested in dealing with that on a 9 year old. It's the only hairstyle that has to wait until 18). I won't cut it off, but I will brush it if necessary. 

The ear piercing waited until she wanted it, and could care for them herself. I did have two piercers do both at once though so we didn't end up with only one. I do have more in one ear than the other, but Dh would have flipped.

[Hane]

My daughter had shoulder-length braids when she was about 2.5. One day when she was playing in my parents' yard, she got a braid caught in the chain of her swing set, and it scared the crap out of me, knowing that she could have been badly hurt. I got her a cute little page boy bob, which she had till six or so, when she started ballet lessons and wanted to have longer hair like the other girls.

She and I always enjoyed it whenever I braided or curled her long hair, even when she was a teen. I agree--her body, her choice.

[patsymae]

James 1:27: "to look after orphans and widows in their distress" (my italics)

 

It doesn't say anything about taking the orphans away from the widows and keeping them for yourself.

[Maggie Mae]

15 hours ago, Hane said:

My daughter had shoulder-length braids when she was about 2.5. One day when she was playing in my parents' yard, she got a braid caught in the chain of her swing set, and it scared the crap out of me, knowing that she could have been badly hurt. I got her a cute little page boy bob, which she had till six or so, when she started ballet lessons and wanted to have longer hair like the other girls.

She and I always enjoyed it whenever I braided or curled her long hair, even when she was a teen. I agree--her body, her choice.

1

My mom had me get a bob or whatever when I was 6. I HATED it. I hated it so much that 30 years later I still remember how much I hated it. And cringe when I see pictures from that time period. And point out how much I hated that hair cut. I thought I looked like a boy, it was awful. 

I didn't wear my hair short again until two summers ago, when I inadvertently got the "can I speak to your manager" hair. I'm back to growing it out, but I might end up with a bob again in the summer. 

[Hane]

@Maggie Mae, in my defense, I only did it for safety reasons, and my daughter didn't object at all. I never believed in being the "hair police."

[SpeakNow]

I had a dream about Kimi last night. In the dream, Sissy, Blossom and JieJie were playing some sort of an imaginary game. Kimi kept taking Sissy away and saying she was too old for pretend games. Being a teacher, I stepped in and told her that children learn through play and that it can help them to process traumas that have occurred in a safe way. She was still adamant that Sissy should not play pretend games, so she dragged Sissy out of the room while Blossom and JieJie looked horrified. Then, Sissy got her first period, and Kimi refused to tell her how to handle it. She said she didn't want to give Sissy a pad until she asked for one herself. I kept trying to tell Kimi that she probably had no idea what was happening to her and no concept of what a pad was.

The sad part, I could totally see both of those scenarios happening in real life.

[Antimony]

43 minutes ago, Maggie Mae said:

My mom had me get a bob or whatever when I was 6. I HATED it. I hated it so much that 30 years later I still remember how much I hated it. And cringe when I see pictures from that time period. And point out how much I hated that hair cut. I thought I looked like a boy, it was awful. 

I didn't wear my hair short again until two summers ago, when I inadvertently got the "can I speak to your manager" hair. I'm back to growing it out, but I might end up with a bob again in the summer. 

My mother also cut my age around age 6 but it was because I compulsively chewed on it. Which was really, really not good. I understand now but at the time I was SO PISSED OFF about it. It only lasted that one cut though because as soon as it was long, the compulsion was gone. 

Also, it has recently occured to me that for me, as far as my second language goes, my input is a lot more efficient than my output. I can read, and understand, a lot more than I can generate verbally on the spot. I think this is pretty typical. Is it possible, and likely, that Kimi says nasty things around the girls (on the phone, etc) and they understand what she's saying even though she seems to think their English is awful? If she's not still doing it, is it possible she did it early on? She clearly has no trouble speaking her mind on the blog.

[DaisyD]

I think language is that way for most people. I read Spanish well enough to get along in places with little English. I hear it well enough to know what a waiter is asking, but I really have to work at coming up with the words I'm looking for. I think Sissy knew immediately what Kimi was all about. 

[elliha]

As a language teacher, I can say that we have "profiles" to the languages we speak. If you are given enough input through hearing and practising most people are better at understanding and speaking the language and we almost always understand more than we use ourselves. Most of us understand words that are common among teens and pensioners even if we are middle aged but we don't use those words very much in our own language.

However, it is possible to have a profile geared towards any aspect of language. Some people will be able to speak the language very well when it comes to grammar and pronunciation but have trouble understanding your answers (my own situation in Spanish), some will read or write well but not be very good at speaking and/or listening. Mostly though, if you hear the language enough you are usually better at speaking and/or listening. Swedes tend to speak English well as we often enjoy American tv-shows and they are subtitled, not dubbed. Most of us hear English every single day of our lives even if it is not our first language. Because of this most people speak and understand English well but reading and writing skills are much more varied. Some of my students write so poorly that I sometimes don't even understand what they tried to write but speak acceptable English for a second language learner. 

Writing is my weakest side, when I write for my students I double and triple check what I have written. In places like this I don't always read what I have written and sometimes when I reread an old post I get embarassed when I see all the mistakes I have made.

[inabauers]

3 hours ago, SpeakNow said:

I had a dream about Kimi last night. In the dream, Sissy, Blossom and JieJie were playing some sort of an imaginary game. Kimi kept taking Sissy away and saying she was too old for pretend games. Being a teacher, I stepped in and told her that children learn through play and that it can help them to process traumas that have occurred in a safe way. She was still adamant that Sissy should not play pretend games, so she dragged Sissy out of the room while Blossom and JieJie looked horrified. Then, Sissy got her first period, and Kimi refused to tell her how to handle it. She said she didn't want to give Sissy a pad until she asked for one herself. I kept trying to tell Kimi that she probably had no idea what was happening to her and no concept of what a pad was.

The sad part, I could totally see both of those scenarios happening in real life.

This honestly sounds like that opening scene from Carrie, only not happening at school and not quite as bad. Still, what an awful dream, I would hope Kimi would be better but as we all know that isn't likely...

[apandaaries]

On 1/10/2016 at 10:21 AM, elliha said:

As a language teacher, I can say that we have "profiles" to the languages we speak. If you are given enough input through hearing and practising most people are better at understanding and speaking the language and we almost always understand more than we use ourselves. Most of us understand words that are common among teens and pensioners even if we are middle aged but we don't use those words very much in our own language.

However, it is possible to have a profile geared towards any aspect of language. Some people will be able to speak the language very well when it comes to grammar and pronunciation but have trouble understanding your answers (my own situation in Spanish), some will read or write well but not be very good at speaking and/or listening. Mostly though, if you hear the language enough you are usually better at speaking and/or listening. Swedes tend to speak English well as we often enjoy American tv-shows and they are subtitled, not dubbed. Most of us hear English every single day of our lives even if it is not our first language. Because of this most people speak and understand English well but reading and writing skills are much more varied. Some of my students write so poorly that I sometimes don't even understand what they tried to write but speak acceptable English for a second language learner. 

<snip>

QFT, and also, there are differences between what one comprehends and what speech one can produce.  Not only that, but their household is also dealing with cultural and motivational differences.

 Kimi is HARD on Sissy, and it could be that Sissy had developed a coping mechanism of staying quiet while criticized.  Earlier blog entries show that whenever Sissy pushed back verbally to Kimi's objections to her plans (especially her plan of becoming a panhandler), Kimi kept going and Sissy would shut down.  Why speak up when the person in power will only use your words and thoughts against you? There's no motivation to keep speaking, and certainly no reward for trying. 

For language comprehension and production, usually most people understand far more of what they hear than they can actually produce themselves.  It's likely Sissy falls into this category, understanding a lot but not wanting or needing Kimi to know that.  I also know that despite my years of taking Spanish, studying other languages since then has distorted/convoluted some of the information which I once had memorized.  I can understand Spanish quite well, but when it comes time for me to participate in the conversation, I am incredibly. embarrassingly. hideously. slow.  Usually it's because I'm mentally conjugating a verb or searching for a word, but I can still get the other person's meaning. It's just a challenge to respond.  For me, I also have more experience with the written word than spoken conversation, so that's another odd aspect.

I think those girls have a lot more going on than they care to admit to Kimi or show to evaluators.  That's not to say that there aren't problems there, but I don't think Kimi is creating an environment for the girls to be open, expressive, creative, and multilingual.  

[elliha]

I agree, they do not seem to be allowed to connect to their original culture and language very much. If I had adopted a child from another country I would try to make sure they had at least a basic understanding of their native culture as well as my culture. For children being adopted this old it would be even more important. It would be cruel to expect them to forget their old life, the transition is hard enough without being disconnected from everything they know. Also, a Chinese person living in the US could probably explain things much more easily as they would be competent within both cultures. Being able to speak freely in their mother tongue would probably be a relief, even if you are good at your second language you can still find it hard to express yourself as well as in your first. I speak English almost as well as a native speaker but still talking about things like feelings or very complex thoughts is still much harder than in Swedish. I have known English now for soon to be 23 years and studied it at university level and I still feel this way, what would it be like for these girls then?

[littlehouse]

I have to thank you all for the words on understanding language.  Years of frustration at school with French.  My teacher had no patience with me.  I could read and understand most of what I saw and heard, but I could for the life of me could not speak.  My family had no second language, and also could not understand why I struggled so much. It was awful, I hated French class, sick to my stomach.

You have lifted that off of me.  Thank you.

[Toothfairy]

On 1/10/2016 at 0:35 AM, patsymae said:

James 1:27: "to look after orphans and widows in their distress" (my italics)

 

It doesn't say anything about taking the orphans away from the widows and keeping them for yourself.

This. Exactly.  This is why I hate churches that tell members to go out and save/adopt orphans.  Especially internationally. If you research the majority of these kids international are not orphans. They live in poverty. And what about the woman?  Why only the kid?

[warriorblade8857]

3 hours ago, Toothfairy said:

This. Exactly.  This is why I hate churches that tell members to go out and save/adopt orphans.  Especially internationally. If you research the majority of these kids international are not orphans. They live in poverty. And what about the woman?  Why only the kid?

It's about appearing and feeling like a good person. The most effective and efficient way to help is to donate money to a reputable, local organization. However, if you donate money, there's nothing to show off -- no pictures, no adoption blog, no kid to bring to church. And there just aren't as many warm-and-fuzzy feelings when you cut a check.

That's not to say there's no value in providing opportunities for a child, loving a child, or gaining perspective/experience about other cultures. There is, but I think one should be honest that there are selfish motives in adoption along with altruistic ones.

Same goes for the Dillards' "mission trip" and a lot of other voluntourism. They're just as much about the volunteers' personal development as providing aid.

Ivan Illich's "To Hell with Good Intentions". Worth a read: http://www.swaraj.org/illich_hell.htm