What's with these jerk adoptive mothers?

[blessalessi]

I view her blog as a thinly veiled advertisement.  She doesn't like the new "doll" she bought so she is advertising her fully hoping another child collector will ask for her.  She knows she isn't describing severe behaviour and she knows damn well that there are less affluent collectors who would be happy to accept her cast-off.  

This woman's behaviour is utterly inexcusable. A month ago she stood in court and promised never to abandon Avery. The very next day she began a public discussion of her perceived faults which may or may not lead to her abandonment.

Isn't there now a five year follow up requirement for aoiption from China?  Hopefully it will soon be recognised as being in the US's best interest to start clamping down hard on families that "re-home" children? 

These people are disgusting.

 

[chaotic life]

I would consider 9 days to be a crazy short time to start finding some sanity in the chaos of a new kiddo! My hat goes off to you for doing such a fantastic transition. I imagine no one has to remind you that there will still be good days and bad days ahead. I suspect unlike the women writing blogs to disparage their children, you already know that.

My first adoptee walked off of the airplane and into my arms and the attachment was instant. It was still 2-4 months before he was adapted to me as an authority figure that he would obey me even when highly emotional. Even 12 years later, I don't take disobedience personal anymore than I do from my bio-kids.

My other boys were so much harder to adjust than the first. So much more pain and not one of them had what I consider to be THE reason my oldest is such an amazing person--a healthy bio-family who laid a foundation in his early years that I only had to build upon.

The dance of attachment can take years. Add language issues, not having a healthy family in early years, cultural shock, and sometimes medical issues and they will add more layers to that dance. But, it's a dance, not a battle of the wills. As the parent, your job is to woo that child by demonstrating you are safe, you love unconditionally, and you will NOT engage in a competition or battle of the wills. You set what boundaries you MUST and you enforce them without being emotionally invested in the child's displeasure when they must be enforced. But at the same time, you set most of their lives up to be successful as much as you possibly can.

My international kiddos had the same seatbelt battle. They aren't challenging your authority, in most places we Americans adopt from, seat belts are unheard of. Demanding they use a seatbelt makes these kids think the crazy American has truly lost their mind. And if you think they have the language skills to understand your explanation just forget it. Vicky is single, therefore she cannot have a parent sit next to the new child and keep it buckled or alert the driver to pull over. She can have a sibling. It makes for 1-2 very long and exhausting trips. I handled it rather easy. I did a trip with someone next to the one fighting buckling and packed activities and snacks for the others. Everytime the belt came unbuckled, the car was pulled over and everyone waited for it to be rebuckled. Eventually cause and effect is taught without anger, threats or demands. The child tires of the lack of progress and accepts that like it or not, the car only goes when everyone is buckled.

[Rubaiyat]

13 hours ago, chaotic life said:

I would consider 9 days to be a crazy short time to start finding some sanity in the chaos of a new kiddo! My hat goes off to you for doing such a fantastic transition. I imagine no one has to remind you that there will still be good days and bad days ahead. I suspect unlike the women writing blogs to disparage their children, you already know that.

My first adoptee walked off of the airplane and into my arms and the attachment was instant. It was still 2-4 months before he was adapted to me as an authority figure that he would obey me even when highly emotional. Even 12 years later, I don't take disobedience personal anymore than I do from my bio-kids.

My other boys were so much harder to adjust than the first. So much more pain and not one of them had what I consider to be THE reason my oldest is such an amazing person--a healthy bio-family who laid a foundation in his early years that I only had to build upon.

The dance of attachment can take years. Add language issues, not having a healthy family in early years, cultural shock, and sometimes medical issues and they will add more layers to that dance. But, it's a dance, not a battle of the wills. As the parent, your job is to woo that child by demonstrating you are safe, you love unconditionally, and you will NOT engage in a competition or battle of the wills. You set what boundaries you MUST and you enforce them without being emotionally invested in the child's displeasure when they must be enforced. But at the same time, you set most of their lives up to be successful as much as you possibly can.

 

I'm going to be vain and assume you're speaking to me.  Thank you!  We have hit the kid jackpot over here.  Two n00bs, both of whom came from a fantabulous previous foster placement wherein much of the heavy lifting was done for us.  They believe they deserve to be cherished and celebrated merely for existing, they can manage their own hygiene, they have had (and are staying with their) amazing therapists, they've even been give table manners and lovely gracious interpersonal skills!  We'd had them for less than two weeks on Christmas morning, and they could not have been more appreciative or sweet.  We're basking over here...knowing that we only get a finite amount of honeymoon phase, but we're so proud we could burst.  I know a lot of those things are really trivial, but they obviously have tools on top of tools at their disposal, are are interested in using them, so we're trying our darnedest to keep up.  It also really helps when I can say things like "wow!  LOVE the way you make your bed/set the table/tell Daddy "thank you"/ask for that politely/etc.." and then get down to the business of discussing why some families place their children for adoption, and what safety means.   (p.s. they have chosen to call us "mom and dad."  I'm pretty sure it's for ease of categorization than anything, but they asked, and we told them that we would answer to anything even marginally polite until they decided what makes them feel the way they want to feel.)

I've been avidly reading your adoption posts for over a year now (yeah...I've been lurking since Yuku! :-) and I've got a crick in my head from nodding "right on!" and "preach it, sister!" You've got so much wisdom to impart, and I'm really grateful that you don't mind sharing some of it on a public forum.  I feel like I've learned a ton from you!  I love comparing attachment to a dance.  That's a perfect analogy...the music changes, partners change (and return,) toes get stomped, and sometimes mom won't let you wear that (because it's just awful!  Stop trying so hard to find the 80s!!) but we've all got to work together to make it beautiful.  My kids can't thank you now, but our family has been benefitting hugely from your experience, and I can thank you!!  Thank You!!

Whew!  That turned into a novel!  Sorry...my sister in law sent us some hyper-caffeinated coffee to "aid our transition"  and it packs quite a punch!!  

[chaotic life]

Wow, thank you! Yes, I was talking to you, and I love hearing about families who are in this journey 100%, especially here where we encounter so many who did their adopting to rescue and evangelize instead of wanting to make a difference in a child's life.

I believe EVERY child deserves at least one person in their corner, fighting for them, and cheering them on to succeed in this world. I could only be that one for four kiddos, but I try to be the network of support for those being that person for other kids who simply haven't journeyed as long as we have yet, because it was those who held MY hand that helped me through the tough days too.

[blessalessi]

From the Christmas Day pot.

Quote

This year is winding down and coming to a close and so is a phase of our lives. I have new hopes and dreams as I rebuild our life after learning that our future is going to be much different than I thought it would be. There is a new direction and adventure just waiting for us. I know there is an incredible community of special families waiting to welcome us.

Any bets as to what she is planning next? 

[Yogi]

53 minutes ago, blessalessi said:

From the Christmas Day pot.

Any bets as to what she is planning next? 

My first thought is that she's leaving  the Mormon church? New communities waiting to welcome them. 

[mstee]

I'm pretty sure she's just talking about the results of the MRI's she just got back. I believe Jie Jie was diagnosed with something that surprised her and said it would make learning harder for her than she thought. And the other girls struggle as well. She talked about becoming more involved in the special needs community. Which would actually be great for her girls.  I think she's just trying to recap that all in a "poignant" paragraph. 

[Yogi]

That actually makes way more sense than my theory. 

[PsyD2013]

To me it sounds like Kimi plans to become more involved with the special needs community.  She still plans on homeschooling.  IMHO, the older girls would benefit from returning to public school.  The focus of an IEP shifts to transition for life after high school (work experience, living skills, access to adult services) after the age of 14 or 16 depending on the resident state. Sadly, I don't see this happening because no one can provide for her girls like Kimi!! 

[Rubaiyat]

Maybe someone sent her the "Welcome to Holland" letter  http://www.our-kids.org/archives/Holland.html  and she's decided to get with the program.  It could be a Christmas miracle!  

[EyeQueue]

*DingDingDingDing* We have a winner!

Who called it upthread that Kimi would no doubt prominently feature Apple with her Christmas gifts, and the older girls would get short shrift?

http://fencingmama.blogspot.com/2015/12/merry-christmas.html

Granted, you can't tell from these shots what the girls actually got, but why not have more pictures of them and not just Apple?

I do have to say, though, that in that first photo there appear to at least be very genuine smiles on all of the girls' faces, so hopefully they had a happy Christmas.

[Peas n carrots]

*DingDingDingDing* We have a winner!

Who called it upthread that Kimi would no doubt prominently feature Apple with her Christmas gifts, and the older girls would get short shrift?

http://fencingmama.blogspot.com/2015/12/merry-christmas.html

Granted, you can't tell from these shots what the girls actually got, but why not have more pictures of them and not just Apple?

I do have to say, though, that in that first photo there appear to at least be very genuine smiles on all of the girls' faces, so hopefully they had a happy Christmas.

She gave Apple a doll she has had in storage for 8 years? This lady is pure nuts where does she store all the stuff she had bought for hypothetical children? I just imagine she has a giant storage locker and does her shopping by dropping by it on occasion.

For no reason whatsoever I imagined it like the storage locker Clarice crawled into and found the head in the jar in Silence is the Lambs.

[PsyD2013]

I really hope that I am wrong, but I can see Kimi targeting Sissy more since her brain scan was "normal".  Kimi was given an explanation for Jie-Jie's lack of academic progress.  There can still be cognitive delays with a normal brain scan.  I once worked with a very, very low child who appeared perfectly normal (not dysmorphic), brain scan showed no structural differences, genetic work up normal.  Parents were absolute ass hats, insisted their child was purposely choosing to flap and not speak. even after I diagnosed Autism Spectrum Disorder.

[DarkAnts]

http://anewjourneyoffaith.blogspot.com

Momma D is back online. Her blog is a new journey of faith. There are lots of pictures of her grand children and Hosanna. Fewer pictures of the boys. Even fewer pictures of Sarah. Momma D and the boys visited Hosanna at college but Sarah did not go. It seems like she is not really a member of the family.Hopefully Rachel is doing ok.

[iheartchacos]

http://anewjourneyoffaith.blogspot.com

Momma D is back online. Her blog is a new journey of faith. There are lots of pictures of her grand children and Hosanna. Fewer pictures of the boys. Even fewer pictures of Sarah. Momma D and the boys visited Hosanna at college but Sarah did not go. It seems like she is not really a member of the family.Hopefully Rachel is doing ok.

One of their daughter in laws was my roommate and I still can't believe she's married into this. At the time we lived together, I was the fundie-lite.

[DarkAnts]

Did you ever meet the family!

 

[Maggie Mae]

21 hours ago, Peas n carrots said:

She gave Apple a doll she has had in storage for 8 years? This lady is pure nuts where does she store all the stuff she had bought for hypothetical children? I just imagine she has a giant storage locker and does her shopping by dropping by it on occasion.

For no reason whatsoever I imagined it like the storage locker Clarice crawled into and found the head in the jar in Silence is the Lambs.

All of the shopping she did for her pre-adopted babies just creeps me out. I mean, she had several years to wait. Anything could have happened. By that, I mean, China could have changed adoption policies. She could have been denied adoption or entrance to China. There was no guarantee she'd ever get a baby. I just can't fathom spending so much money on stuff that far in advance. Things change. People move. I just picture her going to her storage room (which in my head looks exactly my grandmother's storage/boiler room but with plastic tubs of baby clothes stacked on costco type shelving) and hugging onesies and teddy bears whilst imagining babies.  Ignoring her actual children, of course. 

[EyeQueue]

1 hour ago, Maggie Mae said:

All of the shopping she did for her pre-adopted babies just creeps me out. I mean, she had several years to wait. Anything could have happened. By that, I mean, China could have changed adoption policies. She could have been denied adoption or entrance to China. There was no guarantee she'd ever get a baby. I just can't fathom spending so much money on stuff that far in advance. Things change. People move. I just picture her going to her storage room (which in my head looks exactly my grandmother's storage/boiler room but with plastic tubs of baby clothes stacked on costco type shelving) and hugging onesies and teddy bears whilst imagining babies.  Ignoring her actual children, of course. 

I agree. It was really sad, but also gives insight into her mindset. I think it is probably symptomatic of her controlling/over-controlling nature. I would think you'd get enough lead time when you're notified that you can go pick up your child to do enough shopping. It looked like she had way too much anyway.

That happened to me when I had my daughter. I got so many baby clothes that it was impossible to use all of them. People kept giving me stuff, and on top of the stuff I bought and my family bought, I probably only used 40% of the items (from the Ken Alexander School of Statistics). The rest were re-homed at the second-hand stores.

[DaisyD]

My son was born so big that he never fit most of the newborn stuff we had. That's what threw me about all the baby clothes she bought. She wasn't even starting with a baby from day one, and they grow so unpredictably, there was no way to know what size she would need. She just spent all that money on clothes with no guarantee that they'd ever fit.

[dianapavelovna]

Oh, Kimi's been at this for decades, guys. I read through her whole archive last month, and she's posted about clothes that she bought/made well before she even started the adoption process. See here here here, for example.

[Yogi]

I almost wonder, especially reading the latest posts where basically all children need surgery of varying levels, if there isn't some latent munchausen by proxy stuff going on with Kimi. 

[DaisyD]

6 hours ago, Yogi said:

I almost wonder, especially reading the latest posts where basically all children need surgery of varying levels, if there isn't some latent munchausen by proxy stuff going on with Kimi. 

I think this is what her real problem with Sissy is. Sissy doesn't need her the way the others do and maybe has some major side eye about the person she got stuck with for a mother. Kimi can't handle the not being needed and treats it like some personality defect. 

[Yogi]

4 hours ago, daisyd681 said:

I think this is what her real problem with Sissy is. Sissy doesn't need her the way the others do and maybe has some major side eye about the person she got stuck with for a mother. Kimi can't handle the not being needed and treats it like some personality defect. 

Yep. So the more she can crow about all the new diagnosis that come in the more she's a martyr both in her family and community. 

 

[iheartchacos]

The way the last post was written, I was expecting a proposal. I would have been surprised because of the reservations she's admitted her fireman has.

[SoybeanQueen]

On 12/23/2015 at 1:35 AM, Rubaiyat said:

I know it's bad manners to yell.  I'm just flabbergasted.  Who pays tens of thousands of dollars - after grifting much of it from family and friends - suffers through months if not years of paperwork and bureaucracy, flys to CHINA, fights for a teen, and then decides she might need to throw in the towel after less than two weeks?  It's not just me, right?  This is insane?  

 

Not just you. It's insane. We're nearly to 5 years since our sibling group moved in. It gets better. But, they're also still kids, so one needs to actually like kids for everything to work out. These bloggers seem so attached to the idea of what their kids should be that they forget they're dealing with live humans.

And if her daughter's behavior will serve her so well in the future, why is she trying to punish it out of her? No. That's not how training kids for the future works.