Lyndsie has died 'A Love Worth Waiting For

[VelociRapture]

I know nothing about Lyndsie or her family, other than what I've seen in this thread.

I wish them all peace. Especially her children.

I don't know what happens when we die. No one knows for sure, but a lot of people like to think they do. Regardless of what she did and how she acted in her short life, I hope that Lyndsie is no longer in pain and is finally at peace (whatever that means.)

[ILoveJellybeans]

That's so sad :( RIP Lyndsie :(

[smittykins]

Cancer sucks. My condolences to her family.

[usedtobenice]

How sad. Condolences to her family.

[Coldwinterskies]

Don't forget, Lyndsie was taught from early childhood that it was desirable to put motherhood above all else, even her health and her life. I'm sure the idea that "God will save her because she is doing what she is supposed to do as a woman" was in all of their minds on various occasions.

Melanie Beggs' (Lyndsie's mother) piece in Above Rubies:

aboverubies.org/index.php/2013-11-12-17-55-51/english-language/c-sections/1031-c-sections-how-many-is-too-many

That essay from her mother does help me put in context why Lyndsie felt such a strong need to adopt kids even though her future was uncertain. Those of us who grew up non-fundie have been given the option to develop identities outside of being a wife and mom, but it sounds like in her family that was probably not an option. Growing up knowing that her mother risked everything to have more kids, she probably felt like her life wouldn't have any purpose or meaning if she didn't have a chance to be a mother before she died.

I have nothing but compassion for Lyndsie. She was in a very difficult situation, as a woman born into fundamentalist culture who lost her ability to have kids at such an early age, and I can't judge her for how she tried to cope with that awful situation. Hopefully the birthparents were aware of the circumstances and made an informed choice that they felt that in spite of the situation Lyndsie's family would make sure the children are well cared for. I would not want to assume that Lyndsie did anything deceitful when we really have no way of knowing that.

[WonderingInWA]

That essay from her mother does help me put in context why Lyndsie felt such a strong need to adopt kids even though her future was uncertain. Those of us who grew up non-fundie have been given the option to develop identities outside of being a wife and mom, but it sounds like in her family that was probably not an option. Growing up knowing that her mother risked everything to have more kids, she probably felt like her life wouldn't have any purpose or meaning if she didn't have a chance to be a mother before she died.

I have nothing but compassion for Lyndsie. She was in a very difficult situation, as a woman born into fundamentalist culture who lost her ability to have kids at such an early age, and I can't judge her for how she tried to cope with that awful situation. Hopefully the birthparents were aware of the circumstances and made an informed choice that they felt that in spite of the situation Lyndsie's family would make sure the children are well cared for. I would not want to assume that Lyndsie did anything deceitful when we really have no way of knowing that.

I have a lot of faith that between Daniel's family and Lyndsie's family, those children will be well cared for. And maybe Daniel will remarry (he's only 30, I think) and maybe even have more children. Kids are resilient.

[moodygirl86]

I agree with Coldwinterskies - Lyndsie must have had a lot of pressure on her to have kids, both from her family and community in general.

As for Daniel remarrying, I do worry for him that that same pressure - but in reverse - might lead to him remarrying too soon for the sake of giving the kids a replacement mother figure, and he might not get the chance to grieve for Lyndsie in his own time and way.

[ADoyle90815]

I agree with Coldwinterskies - Lyndsie must have had a lot of pressure on her to have kids, both from her family and community in general.

As for Daniel remarrying, I do worry for him that that same pressure - but in reverse - might lead to him remarrying too soon for the sake of giving the kids a replacement mother figure, and he might not get the chance to grieve for Lyndsie in his own time and way.

I agree, I hope Daniel gets a chance to grieve for Lyndsie before he remarries. Of course, I think that if he doesn't want to remarry, I hope that the family will accept that as his choice.

[dilannsmom]

I agree, I hope Daniel gets a chance to grieve for Lyndsie before he remarries. Of course, I think that if he doesn't want to remarry, I hope that the family will accept that as his choice.

I have lost two relatively young female friends that never left the fundy culture I was raised in. BOTH of them left lists of "appropriate" women for their husbands to pursue. Totally squikked me out--the lists were numbered from first choice to fourth choice. I understood that these women wanted their children to have "normal" childhoods...but lists????

Both husbands did eventually remarry women from their respective lists :pink-shock:

[Terrie]

Lyndsie may have felt enormous pressure to be a mom, but that just proves how selfish her decision making was. It was all about her, her, her. What her life was supposed to be like. Becoming a parent should always be a little bit selfish. After all, no one should ever be a parent unless that's what they want. But it also needs to be a little bit selfless and include that fact that children are independent people, not there to fill someone else's needs.

Cancer sucks, yes. There are people in this world I genuinely hate and I would not wish cancer on them. But getting cancer doesn't magically make you a better person or excuse your failings. You're still the same person with all the same flaws and virtues. Just now with cancer. Nor does dying of cancer make you a better person or excuse the things you did during your life. It sucks that Lyndsie got cancer. It sucks that she died of it. It sucks that her family must now live with that loss and the pain it brings. None of that makes the choices she made any less awful or selfish.

[SoSoNosy]

I understand saying that xyz "slipped away peacefully" when they didn't. Why should I feel the need to traumatize my friends with the real story, just because I still remember the trauma of a non-peaceful death? I've been there, twice, and I chose the "slipped away peacefully" story for the general public.

[mylittlemormon]

I agree with Coldwinterskies - Lyndsie must have had a lot of pressure on her to have kids, both from her family and community in general.

As for Daniel remarrying, I do worry for him that that same pressure - but in reverse - might lead to him remarrying too soon for the sake of giving the kids a replacement mother figure, and he might not get the chance to grieve for Lyndsie in his own time and way.

I suspect Daniel will remarry very, very quickly. And have some bio kids, too.

[chaotic life]

Slipped away peacefully is the least traumatizing way to discuss death. That's exactly what I told my family when I did hospice duty for my grandmother. Was no purpose in telling them she had a heart attack and I couldn't shove the morphine in fast enough to make it peacefully.

However, in hospice we do everything we CAN to make death peaceful. If she was on hospice and her family was aggressive at asking for comfort measures, then she likely DID pass peacefully.

[Daisy4]

Slipped away peacefully is the least traumatizing way to discuss death. That's exactly what I told my family when I did hospice duty for my grandmother. Was no purpose in telling them she had a heart attack and I couldn't shove the morphine in fast enough to make it peacefully.

However, in hospice we do everything we CAN to make death peaceful. If she was on hospice and her family was aggressive at asking for comfort measures, then she likely DID pass peacefully.

Thank you for what you do. My Nana died in hospice care and the nurses and others who took care of her were wonderful. I'm sure it's very difficult to do that work day in and out but we really appreciated the care she received.

[chaotic life]

You can train someone to do hospice. But the truth is that most of us who choose this field were born hospice minded. I am very fortunate that I work for a company that lets clinical do what we do best, a medical director who gives us the autonomy to do it and co-workers who are so passionate about their work that I have to constantly remind them it's my JOB to cover most of the off hours so they can have lives and be with their families so let me handle off hours calls.

But I joke with my manager that she's gonna quit taking my calls cause I only call her when I want to spend more money on things like IVs and PCA pumps and all the other very non standard care because I am going to fight to give someone a peaceful passing and management can sort out the rest later.

[Full enough quiver]

My husband's late wife made him a list of appropriate second wives before she died. I was number 3 on that list. It sounds weird, but I think it was helpful for her to feel like she had some say in who was going to help raise her daughter. I don't think I would do it, because I like to think I can trust my husband to make a good choice, but everyone copes differently with the knowledge that they won't be seeing their kid grow up.

[NurseNell]

I have a friend who died of ocular melanoma, leaving 4 young children. I don't know that she left a list for her husband but they did discuss this.

[Daisy4]

My husband's late wife made him a list of appropriate second wives before she died. I was number 3 on that list. It sounds weird, but I think it was helpful for her to feel like she had some say in who was going to help raise her daughter. I don't think I would do it, because I like to think I can trust my husband to make a good choice, but everyone copes differently with the knowledge that they won't be seeing their kid grow up.

I never would have thought this before having kids, but this makes a lot of sense. The thought of my husband with another woman doesn't bother me at all compared with the thought of another woman raising (and possibly mistreating) my kids.

(disclaimer, not talking about you, I'm sure you're a wonderful stepmom)

[chaotic life]

Not fundie but I work with dying people, and I've buried a son. So, we've had this conversation.

I've given my husband a list of friends. Simply put, I don't think he would be okay single and I know my kids won't be okay with a mother figure to finish raising them.

By the same token, I trust my friends to love my special needs children but I don't trust any man not their father to step into their lives. If he were to die, there's sufficient life insurance for me to hire full time nannies but I won't ever consider remarrying so long as I have minor children at home.

As I said, I work with death. I also have a handwritten living will signature signed on the envelope and husband and oldest son know where it is stored, have a will and have assigned guardianship of the younger children to the oldest who is an adult with designated support persons both to help him with the raising of the kids and help him manage the financial care of the family.

Additionally, the oldest children are aware that if my husband or I get a debilitating terminal diagnosis, we will travel to where assisted suicide is legal and will handle it ourselves.

I thought I was weird until a Hospice co-worker mentioned she won't have to travel. She in essence has her own cyanide pill stashed somewhere. She's stockpiled for years to establish a cocktail that will be more than sufficient to do the job. So I think it's just we who work with death that are this weird.

One of my son's hospice nurses had DNR tattooed on her sternum and wrists. I almost had it done until I was told it's not legally binding that way because it's not signed.

[love2scrap]

Daniel has written a post on fb today.

For the past month I have experienced grief in a way that you can't prepare your heart for. Not the kind of grief that is without hope or the kind that is angry at God, but the kind that just misses my soul mate and the everyday moments we shared for 15 years.

I found myself looking at old pictures and videos of Lyndsie, reading through letters, blog posts, and anything else I could find of hers that made me feel connected to her and helped me to remember the details and incredible moments we shared. I know that may sound weird but it has just been my process. Through that I realized even more that she was an unbelievably beautiful person on the inside and out and that she impacted my life and so many others in an obvious way.

But one thing I struggled with this month probably more than anything else is not having that direct connection and daily interaction with Lyndsie like I am so used to having and honestly just wondering what she's up to at that moment. It was so hard not feeling that direct connection but I had just decided that it was part of the process and I would have to learn to accept it. Then last night happened. On the one month anniversary of Lyndsie being in Heaven, I had the incredible opportunity to attend @hillsongnights. During the service I found myself truly worshipping the Lord for the first time since Lyndsie's service and in that moment of worship, it clicked. There is only one thing I can do on this earth that completely synchronizes my soul with Lyndsie's and connects our hearts ...and that is to worship the Lord with my whole heart and praise his Holy name! In that moment of worship last night as I lifted my hands and voice in praise, I realized that Lyndsie and I were doing the same exact thing and the connection with her that I had been looking for all month could only be made when my focus was on the Lord! It was a moment I'll never forget and honestly the first time this month that I have felt peace and rest in my soul.

The reason I am sharing this with you is because I know I'm not the first person to experience the pain of losing a loved one and the flood of emotions that come with that loss. But I sincerely pray that this thought helps those of you who have lost a spouse or a child or a friend and would do anything for one more moment with them.

Our love for God and our worship of His holy name creates a connection that bridges the gap between all believers here on earth and in Heaven!

Praising God today for the hope and unity that is found only in Him!

Ephesians 1:10

...to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

I really feel for the guy. Cancer sucks.

[moodygirl86]

What a beautiful post! Cancer does suck, but I'm glad Daniel seems to have found some peace within.

[VodouDoll]

There is only one thing I can do on this earth that completely synchronizes my soul with Lyndsie's and connects our hearts ...and that is to worship the Lord with my whole heart and praise his Holy name! In that moment of worship last night as I lifted my hands and voice in praise, I realized that Lyndsie and I were doing the same exact thing and the connection with her that I had been looking for all month could only be made when my focus was on the Lord!

Gosh. I've never thought about it that way before. It's quite a lovely idea and I'm glad it brought him some peace.

[nastyhobbitses]

Not fundie but I work with dying people, and I've buried a son. So, we've had this conversation.

I've given my husband a list of friends. Simply put, I don't think he would be okay single and I know my kids won't be okay with a mother figure to finish raising them.

By the same token, I trust my friends to love my special needs children but I don't trust any man not their father to step into their lives. If he were to die, there's sufficient life insurance for me to hire full time nannies but I won't ever consider remarrying so long as I have minor children at home.

As I said, I work with death. I also have a handwritten living will signature signed on the envelope and husband and oldest son know where it is stored, have a will and have assigned guardianship of the younger children to the oldest who is an adult with designated support persons both to help him with the raising of the kids and help him manage the financial care of the family.

Additionally, the oldest children are aware that if my husband or I get a debilitating terminal diagnosis, we will travel to where assisted suicide is legal and will handle it ourselves.

I thought I was weird until a Hospice co-worker mentioned she won't have to travel. She in essence has her own cyanide pill stashed somewhere. She's stockpiled for years to establish a cocktail that will be more than sufficient to do the job. So I think it's just we who work with death that are this weird.

One of my son's hospice nurses had DNR tattooed on her sternum and wrists. I almost had it done until I was told it's not legally binding that way because it's not signed.

I don't find any of that weird. I think that in general, people in the US both don't plan for death and see it as "giving up" or "losing" rather than a path that we all must take. I've had an advance directive/living will since I was 18 years old, and I have made it clear to my loved ones that if I am diagnosed with a terminal illness, I will enjoy the time I have still allotted to me, and then commit suicide, assisted or unassisted, depending on my condition. I will make every effort to die on my own terms and with dignity. My sister gets everything I have unless I'm married/have kids or she dies first, my funeral will be a party, and if there were some way I could tattoo my own signature on myself, I'd totally get a DNR tattoo.

[FJismyheadship]

Could you sign your own name on your arm and have a tattoo artist go over it?

[Coldwinterskies]

Could you sign your own name on your arm and have a tattoo artist go over it?

I don't think any paramedic or doctor would rely on a tattoo for something this important. It could potentially lead to legal problems for them if they misinterpreted the tattoo's intended meaning and didn't try to resuscitate someone who wanted to be full code. You'll have to check the laws in your area, but in my state anyone who is DNR needs to wear a specific type of medical ID bracelet to make it clear that they have a legit DNR order. If you want to make it clear what your wishes are, you'd be better off getting a bracelet like that.