Cathy is a Breath of Fresh Air

[N The Prayer Closet]

On last nights "All about Jill" episode we FINALLY got to see more of Derick's family including his mom Cathy and his brother Dan. Several pictures were posted of Derick and his family through the years and they spoke about his late father in a sweet, nostalgic way.

 

Something Cathy said really struck a chord with me when they were asking her about her boys courting/dating. Here's what she said:

 

"We never did call it courtship, but I would talk to them every so often about, you know as their friends began dating, and I would point out to them, you know how it could be a painful process, not to mention expensive and time consuming when you're going from one girl to the next. Wouldn't it make sense to wait until you're at a position to really get serious in a relationship and then maybe get married and then put the time into it?"

 

I think the last part is a little odd but what she is saying overall is leaps and bounds superior to Jim Bob and Michelle's take on dating. With the Duggars everything is Sin! Desires! Regrets! Purity! and Cathy is basically saying "you have your whole life ahead of you and don't need to waste time and money on girls". I love this and hope to raise my 3 sons this way without telling them they'll burn in hell for even kissing a girl. The Duggar children are scared into courting and following the courting rules based on manipulation and fear IMO. I hope Cathy spends A LOT of time with Jill and this new baby boy. She is a breath of fresh air.

[fabkiwi06]

I hope all the Duggars get MIL like Kathy. She seems to be very respectful of their beliefs but very sensible about what the real world is actually like. She makes the secular world seem less "scary".

Plus, Derek clearly is close with his mother without being one of those creepy guys who still need their mommy. That's always a really good character sign.

[browncoatslytherin]

i really like the way she talks about courting and dating compared to the duggars. personally, i think it's better for kids to wait to do anything, in general, just because it gives them time to mature, get things done that need to be done (like school), gives them time to discover themselves and what they want, etc. i think being single is good for development, and healthy. my personal experience has been that i had to be single and by myself for a time, discover the real me, and process some things and be okay with being single before i was able to find someone worthwhile, instead of being obsessed with being in a relationship and having someone so that i was willing to settle.

not to say that no one worthwhile is met while what i'll term as "relationship hopping" or from early relationships. just saying that's my personal experience. :)

[antwan]

On last nights "All about Jill" episode we FINALLY got to see more of Derick's family including his mom Cathy and his brother Dan. Several pictures were posted of Derick and his family through the years and they spoke about his late father in a sweet, nostalgic way.

Something Cathy said really struck a chord with me when they were asking her about her boys courting/dating. Here's what she said:

"We never did call it courtship, but I would talk to them every so often about, you know as their friends began dating, and I would point out to them, you know how it could be a painful process, not to mention expensive and time consuming when you're going from one girl to the next. Wouldn't it make sense to wait until you're at a position to really get serious in a relationship and then maybe get married and then put the time into it?"

I think the last part is a little odd but what she is saying overall is leaps and bounds superior to Jim Bob and Michelle's take on dating. With the Duggars everything is Sin! Desires! Regrets! Purity! and Cathy is basically saying "you have your whole life ahead of you and don't need to waste time and money on girls". I love this and hope to raise my 3 sons this way without telling them they'll burn in hell for even kissing a girl. The Duggar children are scared into courting and following the courting rules based on manipulation and fear IMO. I hope Cathy spends A LOT of time with Jill and this new baby boy. She is a breath of fresh air.

I didn't find the last part odd at all. It's pretty logical to me. Good stuff, Cathy.

[fabkiwi06]

I mean... early crushes are important to learn how to manage. You want to have those goofy stupid feelings and learn what they are vs what a good, real relationship actually is. But... yeah, you don't have to be in a committed relationship to figure that out. Just head out to dinner with a group of friends a giggle at that person from across the table.

I really think Jill lucked out - and it was really smart to take it slow and talk online for months first. The Dillards' seem to be solid people all around.

[AniLand]

I've always loved her. I can see where Derick got his easy-going personality.

[paintergurl]

I guess I disagree with all of this, and was a little disappointed that Cathy seemed quite fundie in her beliefs as well. Although I can appreciate Cathy's approach to having discussions, not mandates, with her boys. I think there is much more to be gained from dating and forming relationships than making the only goal Marriage with a capital M.

You not only get to learn about someone else- their interests, their attitudes, their passions, but you can learn and grow as well through the time and love you invest in those love relationships. I don't believe that having multiple relationships throughout your life is a bad thing at all. Or to be avoided only until you're willing to open the door to that one and only lifetime commitment.

[eh02]

I actually find the whole situation kind of strange. I like Cathy because their family just seems so much more like they're living in the real world vs. the Duggars. But I'm having trouble figuring out from her comments whether she's really on board with the Duggar-style no kissing, no frontal hugging, oodles of babies mindset. I mean, yeah, I'm relieved she's not obsessed with "courtships..." but if she really was that moderate in her views, why the heck would she want her son dating a Duggar weirdo whose parents are going to guilt trip her son for giving his soon to be wife a freaking front hug? I think Derick probably enjoys being surrounded by a big family since he's lost his dad and is worried about his mom's health, but at the same time, I kind of wonder if Jill subconsciously is excited to be a part of a "normal" family. It will be easier for her to take small steps toward "normal" life if at least one side of the family is accepting.

Derick's brother seems to have a more normal relationship in the sense that it seems like he's been with his girlfriend for quite a while? No quick marriage and nothing yet to imply that they don't hold hands..! I dunno, I just think even most conservative Christian people who disagree with premarital sex would maybe have a problem with the way the Duggars do things. Yes, it's good not to get too caught up in relationships when you're young or to keep your end goals in mind, but at the same time, I would WAY rather my (nonexistent) children date around, and hell, even sleep around, than marry someone they just met. I wish we'd get to hear more of Cathy's real thoughts but I don't think they will ever be on the show and I don't get the impression (thank God) that she's going to pull a Mr. Seewald and start a blog.

[AniLand]

I'm having trouble figuring out from her comments whether she's really on board with the Duggar-style no kissing, no frontal hugging, oodles of babies mindset. I mean, yeah, I'm relieved she's not obsessed with "courtships..." but if she really was that moderate in her views, why the heck would she want her son dating a Duggar weirdo whose parents are going to guilt trip her son for giving his soon to be wife a freaking front hug?

I really, honestly believe that she is not into their crazy-ass rules, but I also believe that she loves her son, and will support whatever "boundaries" his fiance's/wife's family has in place. I honestly think she doesn't want too much of the spotlight (she reminds me of myself in that regard - I wouldn't want any part of it either), but just tries to play impartial so as not to cause any trouble.

[eh02]

When my mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was 5, she became extremely religious. That's when we started having Christian radio playing 24/7, got Focus on the Family magazines etc. She survived after about 10 years of chemo and surgeries, but I do think that for SOME people (not all, of course) going through a personal crisis like that can trigger a move in that direction. I'm not speculating that this is necessarily what's going on with the Dillards, just sharing a personal anecdote because it's hard for me not to draw the connection a bit.

It's just hard for me to really believe that any parent with "normal" ideas of relationships and families would passively accept the ATI lifestyle. If I had a son and his new in-laws expected him to father 20 kids that he would support financially alone...hell no!! I'm sorry, there is no way I would be able to pretend to support that. Things like how they choose to date is not that big of a deal but ATI as a whole has a LOT of serious red flags to most people.

[Katie_Bug]

I really, honestly believe that she is not into their crazy-ass rules, but I also believe that she loves her son, and will support whatever "boundaries" his fiance's/wife's family has in place. I honestly think she doesn't want too much of the spotlight (she reminds me of myself in that regard - I wouldn't want any part of it either), but just tries to play impartial so as not to cause any trouble.

I agree. To me it sounds like she is respecting the fact that he is an adult and can make his own choices/mistakes. She is also showing that she will love/accept him no matter how bizarre those choices are. Too bad the Duggars can't learn from her.

[TXGirlInAMaterialWorld]

I hope that Cathy's more relaxed parenting style will rub off on Jill. That Jill will see that your kids won't turn out to be serial killers just because you let them a few decisions on their own.

[milwaukeemommy]

I'm sure she had to be verrrry careful about what she said on the DUGGARS show - I'm sure they listened very closely to every word, & would call the editing department in a heartbeat if there was even one syllable they didn't like.

[CorruptionInc.]

I hope that Cathy's more relaxed parenting style will rub off on Jill. That Jill will see that your kids won't turn out to be serial killers just because you let them a few decisions on their own.

I highly doubt anything can rub off on Jill that isn't from Mullet or Boob.

[bluehydrangea]

I think she was just throwing them a bone, more or less. Like agreeing with them on the one thing she could agree with them on. I'm not saying she totally hates them, but if they didn't even discuss courtship and such when Derick was a child, then all this extremism obviously came from another source...

[OodOnTheLoo]

So do we know if Derick dated at all before Jill? Had his first kiss with someone else? If he was a virgin? If he did kiss someone else or was not a virgin would he have even been considered for courting a Duggar princess if not?

[silverspoons]

So do we know if Derick dated at all before Jill? Had his first kiss with someone else? If he was a virgin? If he did kiss someone else or was not a virgin would he have even been considered for courting a Duggar princess if not?

It seems like from the flashbacks and the last few episodes, Derick was religious, a hard working student, and spent a lot of time being pistol Pete. I can see him getting through college years as a virgin. The kiss I have wondered about. Have we ever heard him say this is HIS first kiss or just THIER first kiss? I'm sure during Jill's 5 hours of Skype questioning of Derick, she asked him about kissing.

I was kind of bummed hearing Kathy talking as conservative as she did. I thought she would be more like "I support Derick decisions about courtship and find it refreshing or such a good example". Instead it seemed like she always told him to remain a virgin and choose girlfriend careful and now is being brainwashed into the Duggars courtship model. I really hope her words were just for tv.

[NotALoserLikeYou]

I didn't pay much attention because I was bored but my 12 year old said they said it was dericks first kiss at the altar, too. But maybe they said their first kiss? She said he didn't date before.

[sansan]

I like Cathy too. She might be the perfect MOM role model for Jill, especially if Derick talks to her about his growing up time. Believe it or not a person can be a Christian and still think for themselves and even be a Republican and STILL think for themselves. I should know cause I am one (ooops, did I say that out loud?). I do not agree with almost every thing the Duggars do or believe in and I also believe that as the older the kids get they will think more on their own but may never have the nerve to act on it. Jill was blessed three times when she married Derick, she got him, his cool Mom and a normal brother-in-law. Hope she does herself a favor and applies her relationship with them well.

[acat7]

It seems like from the flashbacks and the last few episodes, Derick was religious, a hard working student, and spent a lot of time being pistol Pete. I can see him getting through college years as a virgin. The kiss I have wondered about. Have we ever heard him say this is HIS first kiss or just THIER first kiss? I'm sure during Jill's 5 hours of Skype questioning of Derick, she asked him about kissing.

I was kind of bummed hearing Kathy talking as conservative as she did. I thought she would be more like "I support Derick decisions about courtship and find it refreshing or such a good example". Instead it seemed like she always told him to remain a virgin and choose girlfriend careful and now is being brainwashed into the Duggars courtship model. I really hope her words were just for tv.

They have not once said it is their first kiss EVER. I've listened for it. They've said that in their courtship, they're saving THEIR first kiss for marriage.

If you watch episodes about Josh and Anna, and the episode about Erin and Chad, you'll see that they place an obnoxious amount of emphasis on the fact that they've never kissed anyone before, are nervous about doing it, etc. They haven't made a peep about that for Jill and Derrick. I am betting that he's definitely dated before. Probably not very seriously- but I'm sure he's taken girls to proms or formals, at the very least.

I'm sure he was a virgin though. That's really not as hard to do as FJ makes it seem.

About Cathy's comments- I come from a very mainstream but ethnic family and have all boy first cousins. I think ive heard the, "stay away from girls when you're young! be free! don't waste your money cause the girls will suck it up!" thing a million times. What Cathy said was not just a fundie way of thinking at all

[paintergurl]

I am hoping you're right, or as other posters pointed out, she is just aligning her speech carefully to the Duggars viewpoint. But this is how I heard it- 'dating can be painful and expensive and you should save your self, your time and your money until you're ready to be married. Then invest yourself'. It saddens me to think of forming meaningful relationships only in terms of expenditures of effort or cash. And the warning that it could be painful - that just really brings to mind the lost 'pieces of your heart' nonsense. Yes, you can get hurt. But you have so much to gain and learn. It's not all waste and loss.

Still like Cathy very much. I was just taken aback by her courtship/not courtship explanation.

[BrownieMomma]

I wonder if Cathy and Dan (the bro) feel blindsided by all of this, like Derick made a choice that sucked them all into a whirling vortex they might not have wanted.

I was really glad to see her TH. She's alive. There was talk she might not get out of the hospital to go to the wedding. Can't even imagine how crushing that would be to Cathy.

I have actually told my oldest son just about the same thing she said. In the Bible there's a Scripture about planting your field before you build your house. I encouraged my son to consider that, which I understood it to mean, get ready for marriage before you get married.

I'm not big on dating a bunch of people. One time I dated this guy, I was in my 20's and he was in his early 30's. It went okay but he pushed for a sexual relationship and then he dumped me pretty soon after. He was not a Christian.

His rationale for it was that his therapist told him he needed to practice dating and practice relationships.

That's utter bullshit. To use me to "practice relationships" how about you inform me of that little tidbit before we ever go out? Maybe I wasn't practicing and was very hurt?

[paintergurl]

that is terrible, BrownieMomma. And hurtful. I think I have a very different life and worldview than you. I have never wanted to be married. That is certainly not to say that I don't want a loving, committed relationship and I have experienced them, with varying degrees of success (and failure) throughout my life. I am 40+ now, in a secure relationship, and still do not desire to be married. I hope to teach, and show, my teenagers to be cautious of who they give their hearts to, but prepping them for marriage isn't my primary goal in guiding them for their futures. I have to say I have been thinking a lot about all of this- watching the Duggars and disagreeing with just about every way they confine and constrict their children's futures. But also wondering if there are ways I should be trying to shape my children's choices. To keep them safe and always well-loved. To that end, I am appreciative of and listening to the ideas of mothers like you.

[EmmieJ]

Something Cathy said really struck a chord with me when they were asking her about her boys courting/dating. Here's what she said:

"We never did call it courtship, but I would talk to them every so often about, you know as their friends began dating, and I would point out to them, you know how it could be a painful process, not to mention expensive and time consuming when you're going from one girl to the next. Wouldn't it make sense to wait until you're at a position to really get serious in a relationship and then maybe get married and then put the time into it?"

I really like this approach as well. My son is about 16 1/2, and a junior in high school. He's a tall, skinny, good looking kid. A lot of people will ask me if he has a girlfriend. He does not and hasn't dated at all yet. That is perfectly fine with me. I would be happy for him to wait until he goes to college to start dating, but even then I'd be hoping it was more like him hanging out with a larger group of friends, and becoming friends first before dating.

It's not because I think he has pieces of his heart to protect. It's more about not getting side-tracked before he finishes college. More importantly, it's about him not accidentally getting a girl pregnant and suddenly his life path takes a big turn.

The Duggars are just so extreme about everything. They constantly tell their children that they won't be able to control themselves without being chaperoned, and without keeping a physical distance between themselves and their courting partner. I just think it's a terrible message to indoctrinate into your children from day one -- you're going to sin if you don't have someone watching your every move.

[Hooligan]

I am hoping you're right, or as other posters pointed out, she is just aligning her speech carefully to the Duggars viewpoint. But this is how I heard it- 'dating can be painful and expensive and you should save your self, your time and your money until you're ready to be married. Then invest yourself'. It saddens me to think of forming meaningful relationships only in terms of expenditures of effort or cash. And the warning that it could be painful - that just really brings to mind the lost 'pieces of your heart' nonsense. Yes, you can get hurt. But you have so much to gain and learn. It's not all waste and loss.

Still like Cathy very much. I was just taken aback by her courtship/not courtship explanation.

I agree here. I think Cathy is far more fundie than I had hoped. What she said sounded like she was PRO courtship, but had never used the word to describe what she believed. I HOPE I am wrong, I want to be, but I think she is fundie-lite, headed fundie now. And I had such hope for Derrick too. He is educated and had seen something of the world. I was so hoping he would slowly bring Jill out of the crazy but all I am seeing now is that he may well be worse than a "reared to it fundie" He may be a convert and converts are always much more committed.