Seewalds 48: Homophobia Now Mixed With Hypocrisy

[JermajestyDuggar]

6 minutes ago, FiveAcres said:

And it's hard to find good jobs in rural areas. 

What I’ve found in more rural areas is that people will often have to live near family because that’s the only way they can get free or cheap childcare. My siblings definitely took advantage of that when their kids were young because they lived in the same small town as my parents. We live in a large city over an hour away so they cannot provide regular childcare for us. It only happens a couple of times a year. While my niece and nephews sometimes went to my parents’ house 5 times a week for free childcare.

[AussieKrissy]

4 hours ago, Father Son Holy Goat said:

I got tubal ligation recently. I would have loved being a mom and done an excellent job but with my mental health being so bad, the cost of raising kids, and the SCOTUS saying they’re going after birth control next it seemed a good idea. 
 

It’s noteworthy that none of my siblings want to have kids, probably due to our traumatic childhoods. 

Sending you some good mental health JuJu I hope you have a lovely day 

xoxoxo 

2 hours ago, OldFadedStar said:

I have no problem answering these! I'm having fraternal boy/girl twins. And to be totally honest, as a whole I am finding this pregnancy smoother than my last one. My belly is just exponentially growing at this point and I'm finding the end of pregnancy to be a bit more of a struggle to do normal life. I'm 35 weeks tomorrow and know that these next few weeks are gonna be a STRUGGLEEEE as the babies are growing half a pound each.. so I'm adding 1 pound of baby to my belly every single week. But up to this point and hitting the mental "Im so over being pregnant" earlier than I did with my daughter, everything's been great. 

We are scheduling an induction for 38 weeks (full term for twins) if they dont come before then. Most twins come during the 36th week 


And on a different topic ish, paternity leave in America is complete crap. Luckily my husband gets 6 weeks off and they are letting him remote in to work during these last few weeks of my pregnancy, but I read in my due date groups about men who only can get off for the physical birth or MAYBEEEEE a week or two. And even then, there are some dads who are able to get more time off but they fear taking it because their bosses have already voiced disdain for how long they are taking off so the dads aren't taking all of their approved time off in fear of their careers. 

Ohhh thank you for answering 

How exciting, wishing you all the best for your upcoming bundles 

Is your Daughter excited to be a big sister? does she comprehend what is happening? That there is two? is she more excited for the brother or sister or both? does she want to name them lol 

[GuineaPigCourtship]

In Connecticut, a state in the northeastern USA, they just implemented a state program for paid FLMA leave which includes maternity.  They allow 6 or 8 weeks based on how you deliver (I think) and up to 4 for "bonding" which they denied my coworker.  It also meant that short term disability benefits companies will pay out are decreased because they won't let you make more than 60% of your income.  I did notice the premiums didn't decrease when the benefits did.  It's a start, but not good enough for most people.

My husband will get 6 weeks of paternity leave from his job if we have another (he is a state employee now) and he'll definitely take it.  Conversely in the 80s when I was born my dad had to go back to work the following day and we had to have my grandmother's funeral on a weekend in 2000 because his boss said he'd fire him if he took a day off for his mother's funeral.  If there's a hell, he'll be there.

[Expectopatronus]

It blows my mind that Mat leave is so poor in the USA. We get a year paid leave but can choose to spread it out over 18 months. EI covers Mat leave at the rate of 50% of your regular salary and most work places offer some top up pay. I couldn’t afford 18 months but I loved having a year. 

[WatchingTheTireFireBurn]

14 hours ago, Expectopatronus said:

It blows my mind that Mat leave is so poor in the USA. We get a year paid leave but can choose to spread it out over 18 months. EI covers Mat leave at the rate of 50% of your regular salary and most work places offer some top up pay. I couldn’t afford 18 months but I loved having a year. 

"FREEDOM" and "CAPITALISM!"

ie free from societal supports whenever possible. and if there's no profit in it - don't do it. It's stupid.

[CanadianMamam]

16 hours ago, Expectopatronus said:

It blows my mind that Mat leave is so poor in the USA. We get a year paid leave but can choose to spread it out over 18 months. EI covers Mat leave at the rate of 50% of your regular salary and most work places offer some top up pay. I couldn’t afford 18 months but I loved having a year. 

The only people I know who took the 18 months are fed or provincial employees, but even a year is pretty great and the fact that it can be split between both parents if you want. One of my best friends works in a field where a year off was basically Impossible because of training etc. but her husband took 3 months so they had time off together as a family. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

Even just guaranteeing 6 months paid mat leave in the US would make new moms feel like they won the damn lottery. 

[front hugs > duggs]

I'm pretty sure I'll be getting 5 months paid (I think fully paid??? It's all so confusing) because of my company and not state law. I feel #BLESSED! My English in-laws think I'm getting a raw deal lol.

I do have an option of an additional 4 weeks unpaid, but I'm not sure I'll be able to do that honestly, since I'm the "breadwinner" in my family.

[SassyPants]

24 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

Even just guaranteeing 6 months paid mat leave in the US would make new moms feel like they won the damn lottery. 

I had 6 months of leave after my kids, BUT it was only paid through your saved PTO bank. Very few people could ever accrue 6 months of paid time after that first baby. I think I got paid for 3 months with my second. 

[Alysabeth]

I’m in the UK and cannot comprehend how awful parental leave is in the US. I feel very lucky I was able to take 13 months off with each of my children (I work for the civil service and we’re entitled to 6 months full pay, 3 months statutory pay and 3 months unpaid. I then took a months annual leave that I had accrued whilst on maternity leave and tagged it on the end). I’m pro-breastfeeding and anti-sleep training but definitely wonder if I’d have survived a full year of breastfeeding/lack of sleep if I’d had to return to work after 6 weeks! 

[Father Son Holy Goat]

5 hours ago, Alysabeth said:

I’m in the UK and cannot comprehend how awful parental leave is in the US. I feel very lucky I was able to take 13 months off with each of my children (I work for the civil service and we’re entitled to 6 months full pay, 3 months statutory pay and 3 months unpaid. I then took a months annual leave that I had accrued whilst on maternity leave and tagged it on the end). I’m pro-breastfeeding and anti-sleep training but definitely wonder if I’d have survived a full year of breastfeeding/lack of sleep if I’d had to return to work after 6 weeks! 

Then people wonder why the birth rate is so low.

[JermajestyDuggar]

5 hours ago, Alysabeth said:

I’m in the UK and cannot comprehend how awful parental leave is in the US. I feel very lucky I was able to take 13 months off with each of my children (I work for the civil service and we’re entitled to 6 months full pay, 3 months statutory pay and 3 months unpaid. I then took a months annual leave that I had accrued whilst on maternity leave and tagged it on the end). I’m pro-breastfeeding and anti-sleep training but definitely wonder if I’d have survived a full year of breastfeeding/lack of sleep if I’d had to return to work after 6 weeks! 

The US is set up for parents to have constant anxiety, fatigue, and guilt. The deck is stacked against you from the very start. And then when you falter, you are shamed for being a bad parent online. The amount of mommy shaming on social media is insane. You should just pull yourself up by your bootstraps. And every problem your kids have is all your fault. You must have been a bad parent for your kid to act up in school or fail a test. It never ends. I completely understand people who don’t want to have kids in the US. It’s hard as hell. Even though it doesn’t have to be as hard as our government and culture make it. 

[GuineaPigCourtship]

I left my last job after being there for 3.5 years because they called me in to tell me that I had had too many unplanned sick days since I started.  They were counting my covid quarantine (forced) in 2020, my daughter's covid daycare closures, my broken leg, and every time I ever had to leave to get her from daycare because she was sick.  I asked them what they though I was supposed to do, and they had no answers.  So I called a friend who is also a mom who just bought another clinic and went there.  I was sad to leave, but I don't have time for someone who is going to try and suggest I not take care of my kid.  I'm just lucky I had the option.

[Jackie3]

1 hour ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

And every problem your kids have is all your fault. You must have been a bad parent for your kid to act up in school or fail a test. It never ends. I completely understand people who don’t want to have kids in the US. It’s hard as hell. Even though it doesn’t have to be as hard as our government and culture make it. 

It used to be worse.

Fifty years ago, it was the mom's fault if her child was autistic. (She was too cold.)

Children with special needs were called "special ed" kids who "rode the short bus." They were all lumped together in one room--learning disabled, visually imparted, emotional problems. developmentally delayed, etc.

Children with cognitive delays were referred to as "retarded" by adults and kids alike. There was no effort for inclusion in mainstream classrooms--in fact, it was frowned upon.

Parents who would not tolerate these things for their kids were told to leave and find another school. It was assumed all kids were straight, and there was no discussion or acceptance of any other choice.

Kids could be diagnosed with ADHD, but there was so much shame, exclusion and prejudice against kids with ADHD that  parents fought against their children being diagnosed with it.

Things are actually much better now.

[CarrotCake]

In the Netherlands we get 16weeks full for moms and 4 weeks for dads. And since last year finally also 9 weeks 70% for both to be used whenever you want in the first year.

And we have the worst leave situation in the EU.

[medimus]

5 hours ago, CarrotCake said:

In the Netherlands we get 16weeks full for moms and 4 weeks for dads. And since last year finally also 9 weeks 70% for both to be used whenever you want in the first year.

And we have the worst leave situation in the EU.

It's only 15 weeks in Belgium! and 4 for dads. And only 12 weeks if you are self employed.

There is also parental leave which both parents get and can be taken at any time before the child is 12. You can take it as 4 months full time, 8 months halftime, 20 months 1/5 (so taking one day off a week) or 40 months 1/10 (taking half a day off a week) or a combination of these if your job agrees. 

[Meggo]

I live in Canada but was working for a US company when we adopted our son. I got four weeks I think- but had to use up allllll of my vacation time first. So when I would have gone back- he was about 7lbs (he was a preemie) and since I couldn’t work from home- I would have been away from him for a minimum of 10 hours (work plus a long commute). So I quit.

from an employer perspective- it is a pain to have to bring someone new in- BUT at the end of a full may leave in Canada- you have someone who is fully capable of doing that job if someone doesn’t come back- and you have a person you have already vested as an employee- rather than a few peoplE doing someone’s job (in addition to theirs) for a few weeks and then maybe having to hire someone.

also- I am on leave right now- family caregiver leave in Canada. Because my son has developmental delays and camp wasn’t an option this year so I got his doc to sign off on it. Eight weeks unpaid has been worth every.single.penny to have this summer with him. And I hope I can do it next year

[SweetLaurel]

On 8/17/2023 at 10:55 PM, Expectopatronus said:

blows my mind that Mat leave is so poor in the USA

 It is awful.  I used to work at a day care that ran on 'sliding scale' you paid according to your income.  We had many low income families in there.  Most had to go back to work at 6 weeks for other benefits, too, so had no choice.  The director took it upon herself to make sure she was present the first week or so that the 6 week old  attended, solely to walk the sobbing mom out to her car and reassure her.  It was awful. And rarely did any of them pump past that first week or so, it was just too much hassle at work, plus the stress and no sleep.  I am in the fed is best camp, but I felt so badly for them that something they desired to do simply wasn't physically or emotionally possible for them.

[Longhairedheathen]

6 hours ago, CarrotCake said:

In the Netherlands we get 16weeks full for moms and 4 weeks for dads. And since last year finally also 9 weeks 70% for both to be used whenever you want in the first year.

And we have the worst leave situation in the EU.

I announced my pregnancy and got put on a PIP (Performance improvement plan) and IF I am able to keep my job, I'll have 2 weeks paid and a choice to take 6 weeks unpaid.  My partner has no leave except for 12 weeks unpaid. 

Most smaller US companies put pregnant person on PIPs say they can legally fire them without saying it was for the pregnancy. They just say, they aren't doing their job up to expectation.

 

[Mama Mia]

On 8/17/2023 at 7:50 AM, Melissa1977 said:

My country has 16 weeks maternity leave plus 16 weeks paternity leave (usually, first mom does her leave, then dad, so the baby is more time at home instead than in a daycare or with sitters), plus sometimes you can add your monthly anual vacation to it. Healthcare is basically free and daycare is not extremely expensive. Yet it's one of he countries with lower birth rates. It's a mix of finances (expensive housing, low salaries) and people just wishing to have very long youth time. Many people at 30-35 years old say they are still young to be parents. And many young people just say they don't want children at all... Older generations had children because it was "the right way", no matter if they really wanted to be parents. It's a very important mental change IMO.

In my US state we get state paid disability of 4 weeks prior to the birth- IIRC , 6-8 weeks after ( depending if it was vaginal or C section ) . Additionally there is Paid Family Leave that each parent can take for 8 weeks. 8 weeks can also be used in any 12 month period to care for seriously ill family members, someone recovering from surgery etc. The paid part is through the state. Federally there are some unpaid job leave protections for personal or family medical care/ newborn care.
 

So a typical way to take leave for 2 full-time working parents in decent jobs following the birth of a child would be for mom to take the medical disability leave, followed by the 8 weeks paid family leave. Giving her 14 weeks home with the baby. Dad to take vacation time right after the birth to help out, then take his 8 weeks later - after mom goes back to work. Getting the baby to almost 6 months  before needing paid childcare. If they can afford some unpaid time they may get an additional 4 weeks through the federal protections. 

 It’s about 70%  of income, not everyone qualifies, but most do.  Teachers sadly are often screwed out of time as they pay into a different benefit system. There is also state funded disability for other serious illness and injury — shockingly only a couple of states have any paid medical disability benefits at all. 

[xenobia]

I'm always greatful - even though I don't have kids of my own - that I live in a country (Sweden) that has a decent parental leave. Both parents, and other adults who take care of the child, can benefit from the parental leave insurance. It's 480 days per child. 

https://www.thenewbieguide.se/just-arrived/register-for-welfare/parental-leave/

 

[Giraffe]

I’m childfree and it’s awful watching some parents have to come back even before the 6 weeks is up because not every place has to offer that! When that happens they usually come back a couple days after giving birth and various family members provide care until the baby can be in daycare at 6 weeks. 
 

(I’m not sure if it’s because places don’t have to allow it or if it’s because their pay is too low for them to have six weeks off unpaid)

Edited August 21, 2023 by Giraffe
Clarifying

[shesinsane]

1 hour ago, Longhairedheathen said:

I announced my pregnancy and got put on a PIP (Performance improvement plan) and IF I am able to keep my job, I'll have 2 weeks paid and a choice to take 6 weeks unpaid.  My partner has no leave except for 12 weeks unpaid. 

Most smaller US companies put pregnant person on PIPs say they can legally fire them without saying it was for the pregnancy. They just say, they aren't doing their job up to expectation.

 

My friend is a public school teacher in the US, and she noticed that every teacher that took maternity leave came back to find themselves reassigned to the most problematic classrooms, regardless of their teaching history. When she got pregnant, she used sick leave (she'd already been teaching for over a decade) and that distinction meant when she returned to work, she still had the same classroom and students as when she started her leave. 

But of course, there's nothing in writing that taking maternity leave causes all this disruption for the employee, it's just something she observed, which isn't enough for a lawsuit. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

28 minutes ago, shesinsane said:

My friend is a public school teacher in the US, and she noticed that every teacher that took maternity leave came back to find themselves reassigned to the most problematic classrooms, regardless of their teaching history. When she got pregnant, she used sick leave (she'd already been teaching for over a decade) and that distinction meant when she returned to work, she still had the same classroom and students as when she started her leave. 

But of course, there's nothing in writing that taking maternity leave causes all this disruption for the employee, it's just something she observed, which isn't enough for a lawsuit. 

All of my teacher friends tried to time their pregnancies perfectly so when their maternity leave ran out, it would be summer. That’s why so many teachers have babies in the spring and not fall. They all say a fall baby is the worst because you want to get a classroom established and if you aren’t there at the beginning of the year, it’s like playing catch up the rest of the year. But not everyone has control of when they will get pregnant. So sometimes you get screwed.

[OldFadedStar]

9 hours ago, CarrotCake said:

In the Netherlands we get 16weeks full for moms and 4 weeks for dads. And since last year finally also 9 weeks 70% for both to be used whenever you want in the first year.

And we have the worst leave situation in the EU.

And this would be an absolute dream to many parents in America...