Dillards 90: Degrees, Exams, Vacations and Vaccinations, Oh MY!

[Mama Mia]

2 hours ago, Expectopatronus said:

@Mama Mia Not super common but it does happen, I think I’ ve had 5 or 6 families in that situation. One case the kid was foster but looked identical to her foster dad. They joked about it. She used her foster family’s last name on her assignments and was incredibly mature about official documents needing to have her legal last name. In other cases, yeah, the kids have all had different last names depending on who was their biological father and the mom used the last name of her current boyfriend. Totally made sense. I felt awful that I used the wrong last name for the mom once. She had forgotten to update the school that her last name had changed so I used the old name. Oop😬s 

Maybe it’s just where I am, or who I know, but it’s r pretty common to me. It probably depends on frequency of  being married vs unmarried when having kids, kids from more than one relationship, etc is. I wouldn’t feel bad about calling the mom by the wrong last name, names for women change frequently. 

[kmachete14]

I wish many people didn't hold the opinion that getting a degree and having a job is the pinnacle of being "Free" or being a feminist. Having an education is important. Knowing a skill is important. Being a mom/homemaker IS a skill! Getting a degree and entering the workforce is a huge accomplishment. But in the end, you do it because you want a certain outcome: money/benefits or because you enjoy your career.

This is such a simplistic explanation and there is a lot more nuance. But I will end it by saying that participation in capitalism doesn't mean you are "free," and that feminism gives women the opportunity to pursue whatever lifestyle they want. 

Anecdotally, I went a highly selective college and worked for 5 years. Then I became a SAHM, and I love it. I feel much more free: drastically improved physical health, time to support my mental health, time for hobbies and travel, cultivating a peaceful home, spending time outdoors, etc. I liked my career but I like being a mom better. Maybe I will go back to work one day, maybe I won't. Luckily I don't subscribe to any ideology that says women have to do x y z in order to be considered accomplished/independent/etc.

Jill had a different upbringing since she didn't even receive a regular high school education, but if she is happy where she's at, enjoying being a mother and doing her outdoor family activities, and she isn't in want of $$, then there's no reason for her to go to school unless it's something she really really aspires to do. We can't judge her as "not free" or failed just because she doesn't end up going to college or getting a job. 

If you disagree with me, that's totally ok. I think I am biased because as a younger millennial (late 20s) I am enmeshed in a certain sort of burgeoning feminism that doesn't equate "doing it all" with being ok. Not to sound like Lori here, but just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD. It's easy to Google this stuff and I don't want to explain all the literature floating around on this topic as I'm not an expert. 

[JermajestyDuggar]

I have more than one college degree and I’m a stay at home mom feminist agnostic. I’ll probably go back to work one day. 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m still the same feminist now as I was when I was working. My feminism is based on choice. I want women to have as many choices as men when it comes to how they live their lives. 

[SassyPants]

I always worked for a sense of security. I personally know too many people negatively impacted by one of the 3 Ds, with disability of a single wage earner being the most devastating. Unfortunately  for many couples, childcare costs can make 2 incomes unrealistic/unmanageable. I guess my family was very privileged. As a now retired person, I realize how much of my life was consumed by work, OTOH, we are financially secure at a fairly young age.

3 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I have more than one college degree and I’m a stay at home mom feminist agnostic. I’ll probably go back to work one day. 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m still the same feminist now as I was when I was working. My feminism is based on choice. I want women to have as many choices as men when it comes to how they live their lives. 

Yep. I think fiscal issues take away choice for many women. And this works in both directions: have to work because they need the money and can’t afford to work d/t costs associated (childcare, transportation, low wages…)

[feministxtian]

22 minutes ago, kmachete14 said:

Anecdotally, I went a highly selective college and worked for 5 years. Then I became a SAHM, and I love it. I feel much more free: drastically improved physical health, time to support my mental health, time for hobbies and travel, cultivating a peaceful home, spending time outdoors, etc. I liked my career but I like being a mom better. Maybe I will go back to work one day, maybe I won't. Luckily I don't subscribe to any ideology that says women have to do x y z in order to be considered accomplished/independent/etc.

I did the SAHM, career, SAHW/caretaker thing over the years. Right now I have sort of the best of all worlds, student, teacher, single, time is mostly my own, I feel that however you want to do things, then do it. Jill evidently wants to be the SAHM and enjoy her children and life. That's cool. She has the choice. Maybe she'll eventually go to school or something but she seems to be satisfied as she is. Isn't that what feminism is all about? 

[QuiverFullofBooks]

8 hours ago, anjulibai said:

It's basically required in Slavic languages grammatically. There's actually some debate in those countries about how to deal with women's names from other countries. Like, should Michelle Obama be called Michelle Obamova? My last name is Czech and it's kind of funny nowing that I'd have a slightly different last name if I lived in the Czech Republic. 

Do Russians still do patronymic names? She would be Mishel Fraserovna.

[justoneoftwo]

I'll be honest I know no woman who has the choice to work or not.  I suppose they do, but housing and savings would be the cost, and there us a real point where that is not a choice.  I would live to stay home, but I have to work to support my family.

[anjulibai]

1 hour ago, QuiverFullofBooks said:

Do Russians still do patronymic names? She would be Mishel Fraserovna.

They do, but they are used like middle names. So Mykhaila Fraserovna Obamova, I think. 

[SassyPants]

55 minutes ago, justoneoftwo said:

I'll be honest I know no woman who has the choice to work or not.  I suppose they do, but housing and savings would be the cost, and there us a real point where that is not a choice.  I would live to stay home, but I have to work to support my family.

I was so fortunate to work part time, and for many years when my kids were young, off hours, which both minimized childcare costs, and saved my sanity. Working M-Fri, 8-5PM would have been very hard.

[Baxter]

I have two degrees and am currently a Sahm. I didn't love my job before I had my son but it was fine. I went back to work when my son was a year old and I was completely miserable. I felt like crying every single day after I dropped him off at daycare. His daycare was nice. His caregivers were all lovely caring people. I didn't doubt that he was being well cared for. But I was absolutely miserable. 

When he was 3 and a half, I had my daughter. The plan was that I would go back to work when she was 18 months (thank you Canadian maternity leave). Then covid happened and my husband and I decided it would be better for me to stay home a while longer. This is the only good thing to have come out of covid. I have gotten all this time at home with my kids. Of course they drive me nuts sometimes but overall I love being a sahm. I'm very lucky to have that choice. I will likely go back to work at some point. I do enjoy having my own money too. But right now the thought of leaving my kids to work makes me feel like crying. 

I agree that there is a certain narrative that if you are a feminist that you should be out working. I know lots of people who enjoy their jobs. That's great for them. But being a sahm is important work too. There is more than one way to be a success. I hope Jill does what is best for her. But it appears Jill isn't having a quiver so she will have the ability later on to do other things outside the house if she chooses.

[SassyPants]

In terms of Jill working…does Derick work? Maybe they both work, or maybe neither does, but of the 2, Derick has the ability to make a decent living. Jill, OTOH, would need to begin at a very entry position, which just doesn’t make sense at this point in their lives. 

I really hope Dillard is working to support his family and has solid health care benefits in the event that Jill has another tough delivery or another baby requiring special care. 

I don’t know why I worry about these people and their well beings more than they seemingly do.

[sableduck]

38 minutes ago, SassyPants said:

In terms of Jill working…does Derick work? Maybe they both work, or maybe neither does, but of the 2, Derick has the ability to make a decent living. Jill, OTOH, would need to begin at a very entry position, which just doesn’t make sense at this point in their lives. 

I really hope Dillard is working to support his family and has solid health care benefits in the event that Jill has another tough delivery or another baby requiring special care. 

I don’t know why I worry about these people and their well beings more than they seemingly do.

I can’t imagine that Derick, who DoorDashed and delivered pizzas to support his family while he was in law school, isn’t working at something.  They’ve chosen to keep some things private; which is good and healthy.  

[SassyPants]

1 hour ago, sableduck said:

I can’t imagine that Derick, who DoorDashed and delivered pizzas to support his family while he was in law school, isn’t working at something.  They’ve chosen to keep some things private; which is good and healthy.  

Absolutely!

[Father Son Holy Goat]

I’d love to see Jill as a maternity nurse since she did seem to enjoy midwifery. But if her plans and desires have changed that is fine. 

[AussieKrissy]

6 minutes ago, Father Son Holy Goat said:

I’d love to see Jill as a maternity nurse since she did seem to enjoy midwifery. But if her plans and desires have changed that is fine. 

if she is able to loose the preachy and convertyness 

Can you imagine having her for a delivery of a termination of a incompatible with life baby. the agony of that choice to begin with and then her judgement ahhhh no thanks 

[feministxtian]

3 hours ago, sableduck said:

I can’t imagine that Derick, who DoorDashed and delivered pizzas to support his family while he was in law school, isn’t working at something.  They’ve chosen to keep some things private; which is good and healthy.  

Good! Jill's childhood and adolescence was filmed for the world to see. Now she can share what she wants to share and keep private what she wants to keep private. They don't owe anyone any "news" about their lives anymore. Yeah, post the cool stuff, kids, vacations, new baby, first day of school, stuff like that. But, don't share every fucking thing. Its nobody's business what Derick is doing for work. Their house looks reasonably clean, the kids look happy and healthy, they have attentive parents and are looking forward to a new little one. Cool. Enjoy it!

[just_ordinary]

6 hours ago, justoneoftwo said:

I'll be honest I know no woman who has the choice to work or not.  I suppose they do, but housing and savings would be the cost, and there us a real point where that is not a choice.  I would live to stay home, but I have to work to support my family.

I would even take it further- I don’t know any human that has the choice to work or not (if you are not insanely rich). 
It’s great that feminism could be a solution as it’s modern outlook definitely challenges gender roles and therefore opens the door for men to express their wish to be the stay at home parent or partner. It’s hard though because most men don’t feel included (which might also have to do with the word itself) and because there are still women only issues that need to be addressed. 
My husband would stop working the second we could afford it. I would very probably keep at least a part time job. In the end all choices we make (or are forced to make) are also a choice against something else. If I choose to be a stay at home partner, I am financially dependent with all the risks that brings (in terms of re-employment, issues if my partner looses the income for whatever reason, moving for the partners job, financial trouble when you separate, old age poverty…), if I choose to stay at home with the children for some time, I have a set back in my career which might lead to a spiral of only ever part time employment, less money…., if I go back to work full time quickly I definitely miss out on time with the family. It’s important to look at all the options you have (and most don’t have the full range anyway) and really think about it. And to discuss it with your partner, if you have one. Being the sole bread winner can be a massive pressure and burden and it should be ok to say, that’s not what you want to shoulder. I mean, you might realise the partner would prefer to stay home too, or you both would like to work part time only. Sadly many of those options are pre-determined because men still earn higher wages in certain jobs/are more employed in jobs that pay higher (trade vs caretaker/nurse). So most of us aren’t really free in our decision and that’s the same for women and men. Let’s just hope we develop in the right direction so that those decisions can be made more freely in the future.

[SorenaJ]

15 hours ago, SassyPants said:

Is that also true in Denmark?

No, not anymore. Up until about mid-1800s, daughters would be e.g Eriksdatter or Eriksen, then later on daughters would also be called Eriksen, if their father was Erik. Later, this was fixed, so Peder Eriksen's children would inherit his actual surname, Eriksen. 

A new naming law from 2005 allowed patronymics to be used again, so Erik could choose to name his kids Eriksøn or Eriksdatter, but in practise this is very, very rare.

The surnames ending in "-sen" are slowly disappearing, because when naming children, people choose the more unusual surnames, such as Holst, Skov, Aagaard etc and ditch Hansen, Nielsen, Jensen etc. 

I think Sweden and Norway are similar (I believe patronymics have been re-introduced in Sweden, but again, very rare). 

[Idlewild]

Jill works via her paid social media partnerships and monetised YouTube showing her children- like her when she was a child, they don’t get a choice.

I doubt nursing would pay as well. 

[SorenaJ]

9 hours ago, justoneoftwo said:

I'll be honest I know no woman who has the choice to work or not.  I suppose they do, but housing and savings would be the cost, and there us a real point where that is not a choice.  I would live to stay home, but I have to work to support my family.

My SIL has two toddlers, born a year apart. She wants to work, but childcare in UK is easily £1000 ($1300) per month, so £2000 for both kids, and her pay at work would much less (she is on minimum wage), so if she went back to work, they would actually be losing money. 

I feel bad for the parents of twins, triplets and kids born very close together (and single parents!). Paying for childcare is nearly impossible, then. 

[NotQuiteMotY]

9 hours ago, Father Son Holy Goat said:

I’d love to see Jill as a maternity nurse since she did seem to enjoy midwifery. But if her plans and desires have changed that is fine. 

I wonder if the rough deliveries with the two boys may have changed that, too. Or if doula-ing for her sisters burned her out on it, including seeing Joy also having a hard time with Gideon. 

I worked for years before having kids and right now I'm only doing a little part-time work out of the house and home the rest. I'm lucky to have the choice, with Mr. NQ earning enough that I can, but on a practical level the job I was working at then would have paid childcare and transport costs and that's about it. I enjoy being home for the most part, but I'm still probably going to be taking in more hours or doing another job once my children are in school full-time.

I can't think of any SAH parent who isn't aware of how badly it could go if the earning parent were to die, leave, or become unable to work. I'm in the US, so add in a hit-or-miss social safety net to make it even more unnerving. Frankly, that's why I still work part-time; it's also because I enjoy it, but primarily it's so I have current employment history if I need to look for something full-time. At the same time, though, American society at least is structured so that you almost have to have someone who can be at home or available during business hours, especially with kids. I can easily see Jill waiting to go to school or work until they're sure they're done having kids and the one they have are a little more independent. I can also see waiting until Derick's more established in his new career, maybe even has a position/practice with enough flex to arrange his hours to do more of the childcare.

[HeartsAFundie]

Jill and Derick both tested positive for COVID.  Posted on the Facebook page.    I give her credit for being open and honest about it. 

 

Edited March 10, 2022 by HeartsAFundie

[Cheetah]

14 minutes ago, HeartsAFundie said:

Jill and Derick both tested positive for COVID.  Posted on the Facebook page.    I give her credit for being open and honest about it. 

 

Just saw that on Instagram too.  I hope they are vaccinated so that it's just a mild case, esp. with her being pregnant.  

[Pecansforeveryone]

I am not snarking on this the same way as when Jinger announced she had had COVID. We have seen the Dillards wear masks and get vaccinated. I don't consider them super spreaders the way the rest of the Duggars are. Thank goodness Jill is vaccinated now that she is pregnant. (Perhaps I am imagining they are vaccinated but I thought Jill had said they were. I am 99% certain Derrick would have gotten vaccinated to protect his mother.)

Edited March 10, 2022 by Pecansforeveryone

[CanadianMamam]

19 hours ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I have more than one college degree and I’m a stay at home mom feminist agnostic. I’ll probably go back to work one day. 🤷🏻‍♀️I’m still the same feminist now as I was when I was working. My feminism is based on choice. I want women to have as many choices as men when it comes to how they live their lives. 

I remember asking my mom when I was about 12 why she had been a SAHM when she was such an active feminist "I want women to have a choice, this is my choice". 25 years, multiple degrees and a decade of being a SAHM later, I get it. I chose to be home because it was the right choice for my family.

12 minutes ago, Pecansforeveryone said:

I am not snarking on this the same way as when Jinger announced she had had COVID. We have seen the Dillards wear masks and get vaccinated. I don't consider them super spreaders the way the rest of the Duggars are. Thank goodness Jill is vaccinated now that she is pregnant. (Perhaps I am imagining they are vaccinated but I thought Jill had said they were. I am 99% certain Derrick would have gotten vaccinated to protect his mother.)

They are. She posted when they got their second shot. 

7 hours ago, SorenaJ said:

My SIL has two toddlers, born a year apart. She wants to work, but childcare in UK is easily £1000 ($1300) per month, so £2000 for both kids, and her pay at work would much less (she is on minimum wage), so if she went back to work, they would actually be losing money. 

I feel bad for the parents of twins, triplets and kids born very close together (and single parents!). Paying for childcare is nearly impossible, then. 

This is us. With 3 kids, I would be paying $1500 a month for before and after care, double before they were school aged. That would likely be the majority of my take home beenfits AND it would have cut into and reduced the social benefits I get for having 3 kids (which is ridiculous and why we need $10 daycare), so financially staying at home made far more sense.