Dillards 90: Degrees, Exams, Vacations and Vaccinations, Oh MY!

[Smee]

42 minutes ago, just_ordinary said:

I am very sorry. I don’t know your whole situation, but from what I experience around me, people in similar situations try a 50/50 approach to children. So they alternate one week with mum and one with dad. It’s only working well if both parties live close enough/the same school district and put tons of work in it. (And childrens age. You wouldn’t do it with infants but most try from age 4-6.) You obviously have to talk more and be more amicable than just having an “every second weekend drop off”. It’s hard though and not every post-divorce relationship gets there. And obviously sometimes circumstances make it impossible. Most parents hate the fact/idea to only have their child part time. But under normal circumstances (both in the area, not abusive or whatever…) both should still do their job as a parent and be there for all the little things parenting involves. I would argue children have a right to be parented by both parents as well. Obviously your ex would need to be willing (which happens more and more here and I believe it has to do with fathers being more involved due to women just expecting it and tools like joined parental leave. Only spending time with your child every second weekend will definitely give you a raised eyebrow if there isn’t a really good explanation. So some social pressure helped as well).

As I said, I see it more and more, and it can turn out great for everyone involved or you just change back to a more traditional set up if it doesn’t. It’s definitely harder on the divorced partners emotionally in the beginning. You have to rise above hurt and anger, but it might be something to try maybe.
Apart from freeing up time for yourself though, it balances out some other things. Naturally, the partner that doesn’t have the child as much, could and often does easily dump all the managing parts on the other one. Medical check ups, organising stuff for school trips, after school activities, dealing with homework or household chores, all the little purchases that add up, and they can live in a smaller space which cuts down your costs because the child does not have as many toys, clothes, a desk, maybe not even their own room there. You need less food, water and electricity, gas (to drive them around)….. There are many angles to this.

It’s always interesting to see how men are sometimes are a bit/massively inconsiderate as to how complicated and stressful juggling all of this is. A steep learning curve I say. 
 

And as a mother it’s obviously extra hard to get over the idea, that you are a horrible, cold and unloving parent if your child is not with you all the time. This narrative is still extremely strong and deeply ingrained. It mixes with the natural instinct to obviously have your child with you (the stronger the younger they are), so it’s hard to distinguish between the natural pain you feel, not having them with you every second week and the bad feelings all those clichés and social norms add on top.

Thank you. It’s 10 months in and we’ve come to an agreement with custody where I have the kids 5 nights a week (from 5pm Sat through to school drop off Thursday) and he has them 2 nights (plus most of the day Saturday). A week on-week off split was raised but wouldn’t really be practical with them needing after school care etc on some weeks but not others, plus at the time of our separation the youngest wasn’t in school yet. But in school holidays it reverts to 50:50 with change over weekly. As I said, it’s taken 10 months to settle on an agreement, including two sessions with a family relationship mediator. We got it written up last month, and moved on to financial settlement, but he’s now refusing to sign the parenting plan unless he gets what he wants financially. He hasn’t named a single thing he wants to change IN the parenting plan, he’s just using it as leverage. I do get some child support, but not the amount I should be based on the balance of care/our respective incomes, but I can’t get a new assessment until he signs the damn care plan.

Hell hath no fury like a man whose ex doesn’t want to sleep with him anymore.

Anyway. We did (and do) both have enough life insurance that the survivor would have been able to pay off the mortgage and grieve for a few months and our policies still list one another as beneficiaries because in reality, the death of either one of us would still be financially damaging to the other and therefore the kids.

Edited March 14, 2022 by Smee

[just_ordinary]

@GreenBeans True. With 50/50 you are not entitled to child support here as well because in theory both partners put in the same amount of money and time into the child. But like in every split, the one with the better income comes out on top. Especially since we got rid of the idea that you have to pay for your ex, for the rest of your life if you get a divorce (maybe if you have been married for several decades). That’s another strong argument into keeping up skills. In theory you don’t need as much money for your child if you only have it 50% of the time and you can try to work more on your off week to increase your wages. Your energy bills should go down as well.

I am not saying it’s viable in every situation. There are many factors that have to align. But it’s worth a consideration.

[feministxtian]

a word to the wise...don't shoot off your mouth to the judge over parenting time and support. 

Edited March 14, 2022 by feministxtian

[Smee]

Also, because I’m now ranting about my ex in a forum about religious abuse, I’ll share this charming conversation with my 7yr old daughter last year.

her: have you read Matthew?

me: you mean the book of Matthew? In the bible? Yes.

her: have you read all of it?

me: yes

her: but in Matthew, Jesus says it’s wrong to break up, and you broke up with daddy 

me: where did you hear that?

her: daddy showed me in his bible, it says married people shouldn’t break up unless one of them did a certain thing wrong and daddy didn’t do that so you shouldn’t have broken up with him

[zee_four]

2 hours ago, Smee said:

Thank you. It’s 10 months in and we’ve come to an agreement with custody where I have the kids 5 nights a week (from 5pm Sat through to school drop off Thursday) and he has them 2 nights (plus most of the day Saturday). A week on-week off split was raised but wouldn’t really be practical with them needing after school care etc on some weeks but not others, plus at the time of our separation the youngest wasn’t in school yet. But in school holidays it reverts to 50:50 with change over weekly. As I said, it’s taken 10 months to settle on an agreement, including two sessions with a family relationship mediator. We got it written up last month, and moved on to financial settlement, but he’s now refusing to sign the parenting plan unless he gets what he wants financially. He hasn’t named a single thing he wants to change IN the parenting plan, he’s just using it as leverage. I do get some child support, but not the amount I should be based on the balance of care/our respective incomes, but I can’t get a new assessment until he signs the damn care plan.

Hell hath no fury like a man whose ex doesn’t want to sleep with him anymore.

Anyway. We did (and do) both have enough life insurance that the survivor would have been able to pay off the mortgage and grieve for a few months and our policies still list one another as beneficiaries because in reality, the death of either one of us would still be financially damaging to the other and therefore the kids.

I am so sorry. If you ever need to vent I understand. My ex who walked out on us and never gave me a penny heard I was going to talk to his parents about getting custody back of mini zee. All the sudden this man who still drinks constantly, drives drunk- at least one time I saw him leave a party wasted and he drove off with his daughter in the car. A call to CPS did nothing.  Friends say he still has guns loaded and unlocked. He brags about it publicly.

He has also never sent a penny to has parents for raising a child he contributed biological material and thats it. He never facetimes or sends presents or visits and only sees him maybe once a year, when his parents bring him with them to visit my ex brother and sister in law from hell and my ex and his family, aka his wife and daughter, def not mini zee.

 

The problem is 1) he still lives in the county that screwed me over legally and only has like 2 judges total who hate me 2) I have a distribution of a schedule one drug felony my ex somehow has a clean record despite rolling Jeeps on the interstate drunk, other drunk driving crashes, getting drunk and abusing me in public sometimes let alone in private, etc. So he is Mr. Squeaky Clean to the court and I'm a single ex felon. 3) He knows all about my Bipolaelr 1 with psychotic mania. I didn't have my meds right when we first started to date and he saw me struggle for a year until I finally found some that worked but went off them when I was pregnant. I've been back on them for most 7 years now but to him, his lawyer and the courts I'm the crazy woman who most recently was held on an involuntary psych hold in 2019 (my other more recent abusive ex took my meds and refused to let me take them and "be a junkie" when he cracked my skull and made me. Iscarry at 4 months and the hospital wouldn't help me or even talk to me other than saying "your fetus is non viable") that was the only time I've been off my meds since 2014 and otherwise I've been doing great but that doesn't matter. 

So for now I don't even talk about getting custody. My ex goes back to ignoring mini zee, mini zee isn't bounced around back and forth forced to spent time with his blood relatives that he told me at age 6 after one of those Christmas get together from hell that he knows his dad doesnt love him because he see how he loves [mini zee 's half sister] and he doesn't act like that for him. He is happy and theiving with Memaw and Papaw and as I've proved myself to then they let us talk every day of we want, let me visit, etc.

Mini zee's healthy and happiness and stability are #1 for me. Its horrible that I would likely best case supervised visitation while my ex would likely get full custody. 

The system is so broken, and women get unfairly and unequally judged by mostly male judges and make lawyers in custody cases. You spent your life caring for the kids and helping your husband get his advanced degree and career and suddenly you're too unstable, don't have enough resources to provide for a child. etc. You admit you have a mental health problem and get help for it? Suddenly you're an emotionally fragile psychologically unstable person who will need supervision by the court if you're lucky enough to get visitation. Being gaslit is one of the worst feelings in the world.

I am so sorry you're having to go through what you are with your custody case. Please know you're an amazing, strong, resilient, brilliant, capable, beautiful and bad ass woman and mother. Nothing can take that away and your kids know that no matter what. Sending you all the love and prayers and good vibes ♡♡♡

Edited March 14, 2022 by zee_four

[Cam]

9 hours ago, feministxtian said:

Women in STEM need to grow thick skins. I'm not saying it's right but its the way it is. I survived through my career mostly because I'm a thick skinned, sarcastic bitch who isn't easily intimidated. Its not as overt as it used to be but it's still there, like the belief that a woman's IQ is an inverse function of her chest size. There are ways to ameliorate some of it but when I express my views, I get beat down in a huge way. One of the issues, that I cannot confirm is really that prevalent, is that some women go into STEM to "go hunting". That is, they go into the field to find an educated husband who is on a great career path. I have seen it. 

It will take a long time to root out the issues in STEM. I'm currently trying to get more girls involved in my classes at the high school level but it's a hard climb. 

If you are in the STEM field, I’d love to hear what your thoughts are on the subject after you watch Picture A Scientist. 

[feministxtian]

1 minute ago, Cam said:

If you are in the STEM field, I’d love to hear what your thoughts are on the subject after you watch Picture A Scientist. 

Does the better part of the last 30+ years working as a piping/mechanical designer in the shipbuilding field count? I've done nuke/non-nuke piping design, hull outfitting (essentially being a shipboard interior designer), then later custom lighting design count? Now teaching Engineering Tech and AutoCAD to high school students. Watching it now, will get back to you.

[feministxtian]

I watched the documentary, and while I could identify with a lot of what was said, there were things I couldn't. Yes, the name calling was evident, the pay inequality, etc. However, since I worked in the defense industry, I had more freedom to open my mouth and throw back the shit that got thrown at me. I was not above making comments back to those who talked shit to me. The couple of times I got propositioned, I offered to call my husband and ask him if he was cool with it (he worked for the same company I did). Some asshole started a rumor I was gay because of how I dressed (jeans, t-shirt, tennis shoes and pony tail). Once again, it got to my husband who told said idiot that if I was I was doing a really good job of hiding it. I had no problem telling "senior" guys they didn't know shit from shinola with certain things...like the moron who was saying "I'm trying to understand what this means" to me when I quoted a spec. Little did he know I had written the damn thing and told him what it meant (like dude, it's written so a 12 year old could understand it). He chose to argue with me until I asked him to look at the title page and see who wrote the document. 

Thing is, there were women who came to work dressed like they were going to the club. I mean, if you're wearing a dress that's so short and so tight I can see your thong when you bend over, well... Yeah, I know...I know. But then when you go to complain, you ain't gonna be taken seriously. Gotta learn to play the game. 

Now, as a STEM teacher with a current class of 8 teenaged boys, I realize that my entire teaching style would have to change if I had girls in the class. The snark and sarcasm and general idiocy would have to come to a screeching halt. My teaching style is pretty loose, I expect my kids to not just learn, but have fun while they are learning. I mean, the kids got on a silly streak so I incorporated that into what I was teaching. It worked. I noticed that it doesn't go over very well when I was subbing for another class that was more co-ed. Maybe I've been a "victim" of that male-dominated environment for too long. Maybe my personality meshes better with the guys than the girls. 

I'm making a big push to get more girls in my classes in the fall. I'm talking with advisors and students about taking my classes. I'm doing two presentations during the parent information meetings later this semester. I'm considering doing some sort of student information thing during lunch. (we have 3 lunch periods). 

I don't know what the answer is to getting the asshole-ness out of STEM. Recognizing the problem is a good start. Changing attitudes is going to be the hard part. Anecdotally, I know that many men feel threatened by a woman who is just as good or better than they are at certain things. I don't know how to fix that other than maybe that's not my problem to solve. 

[Giraffe]

Oh @Smee, I’m so sorry your ex is dragging your children into it! What an asshole!

[Cam]

feministxtian, I so appreciate that you took the time to watch Picture a Scientist! Change, as they say, is incremental. While you aren’t tasked with the largess of taking the asshole-ness out of STEM, as you so eloquently put it (haha!), you can make a difference in your daily life when opportunities arise. I am learning to speak up one on one and in small groups to give others at least food for thought, and to let them know not everyone is so male-dominate driven in their outlook and approach to everything. 

I hope you are able to draw more teenage girls to your classroom, as it sounds like you wold be a great role model for them. You may have more to teach them than meets the eye! May I say that I admire how you are able to hold your ground in a predominately men’s field. I cannot say that I have that ability. 
 

btw, I hadda copy and paste your screen name. Thass alotta letters! 😄

[feministxtian]

@Cam I have talked to my guys about some of the asshole issues in STEM fields. They don't quite get the why. Maybe there's hope. 

I had to grow a thick skin or I'd have never made it. I do think that may be part of the problem. I mean, the men's behavior is horrid but they do it because they feel they can get away with it. The minute you throw the shit back at them they shut up. I mean, take a "joke" about IQ being inverse to chest size and turn it to using another appendage's size, but make it a direct relation. I have been blessed or cursed with the ability to think fast on my feet so I've been able to control the amount of shit. It was easier for me to become "one of the guys" than confront them. Then, when they got too assholey, one of the guys would speak up and tell them to cool it...making it as they were "defending" the other guy from the wrath of me. Like..."dude, chill with the jokes, you do NOT want to piss her off." If the guy continued, they'd "let" me get pissed off...and well, it wasn't pretty. I had a good working relationship with most of the men I worked with, based on respect, fun and shenanigans. The rest pretty much avoided me unless they HAD to interface with me. Why? Because they could not intimidate me. Found out later that I intimidated the hell out of them. Haven't figured out why yet...I'm 5'5", chubby and not really a mean person. 

[Smee]

I’m trying to imagine 20 year old me straight out of college having the confidence or self-esteem to snap back at men in their 30s and 40s treating me like that. I’d have been one who didn’t grow a thick enough skin, and quit. It’s so sad that there may be very intelligent, capable young women who leave STEM fields because they don’t have the personality to handle the assholery from coworkers. I’m glad there are some, like you feministxtian, who can hold their own and challenge the culture, but it’s a damn shame that the culture exists and pushes so many other smart women out.

[feministxtian]

2 hours ago, Smee said:

I’m trying to imagine 20 year old me straight out of college having the confidence or self-esteem to snap back at men in their 30s and 40s treating me like that. I’d have been one who didn’t grow a thick enough skin, and quit. It’s so sad that there may be very intelligent, capable young women who leave STEM fields because they don’t have the personality to handle the assholery from coworkers. I’m glad there are some, like you feministxtian, who can hold their own and challenge the culture, but it’s a damn shame that the culture exists and pushes so many other smart women out.

I had an almost unfair advantage...I was a tomboy who was all up into the cars, racing, raising hell, racing, cars, cars, did I mention cars? Anything techie becomes an obsession. My first department was in 688 class submarines. I could rattle off all the specs, including some I know now were classified. I mean, I was INTO it. The other interests of a big room full of nerds with various non-neurotypical and psychological disorders were Star Wars, Star Trek, sci-fi, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and general nerd topics. Since I grew up with mostly guys, enjoyed getting dirty, didn't give a damn about my hair, didn't wear make up and would rather spend a day down on the platens than up in the office, I fit in. I was one of the nuts who thought the whole damn thing was fun. Still do. I also don't take myself (or anyone else) terribly seriously. I had great mentors as a tender young junior designer, and one of them is the reason I went back. Yeah, back in those days the seniors enjoyed eating tender young ones for lunch, I mean, I had check prints ripped up in front of me with a growled "try again, you can do better" at times. Can't do that anymore, it makes the babies cry. I didn't give a shit...I'd fight you tooth and nail if I knew I was right. There was an engineer who avoided me for years after an argument in a meeting. He tried to hand me some bullshit that I wasn't having. He got all high and mighty and said "I'll have you know I was a reactor officer in the Navy"...fucking Canoe U grad. I snapped back with "you must not have been very good at it if they let you out of the Navy". See, ROs cost the Navy literally millions of dollars in training. 4 years at Canoe U, 2 years post grad training at prototype. Those guys got offered serious $$ to re up their contracts IF they had good fit reps. If not, you were essentially kicked out when your contract was up. A senior RO (a Captain who also was a friend's dad) confirmed that this guy was a blooming idiot who did get kicked out. He avoided me for the next 7 years. 

Some of the better engineers learned to think twice when I asked them "are you SURE this is what you want?". Yeah, I had to prove I was smarter, faster, better and knew what I was talking about to gain respect from them but having a no bullshit attitude helped a lot. On one project I was repeatedly told that the information was on a certain drawing. So finally, after hissing, spitting and cussing, I took the damn drawing to the dumb ass engineer and said "maybe I really can't read because I can't find that information in these notes". He got all smirky and started reading the notes, determined to prove the dumb ass designer wrong. Well, guess what...the information was NOT on that particular drawing where it should have been. It set off a shit storm of epic proportions because HE had to go to the director and explain how he approved a drawing that was missing essential information. I got kudos for finding the error. 

You have to be a special kind of nuts to do this for a living. The comment I made above about non-neurotypical, I'm not kidding. I'd take a WAG and say probably close to 70% of the engineering/design staff was NT, mostly ASD and ADHD. All of the guys were also from planet Arrested Development (Read Mike Mullane's book Riding Rockets for a thorough explanation). 

For any girl going into STEM fields, I highly recommend reading books like Riding Rockets, Go For Orbit by Rhea Seddon, Hidden Figures, Through the Glass Ceiling by Eileen Collins and Jonathan Ward, and others. DISCLAIMER: Jonathan Ward is a good friend of mine and I know Mike Mullane's son, Patrick too. 

(and yes, I did make some tender design apprentices cry...they thought their shit didn't stink because they were apprentices, they found out right quick how much they didn't know).

(Canoe U is the US Naval Academy)

Can ya tell I might be a wee bit passionate about this? Sorry to have talked your eyeballs off. 

[samurai_sarah]

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