Dillards 90: Degrees, Exams, Vacations and Vaccinations, Oh MY!

[just_ordinary]

23 minutes ago, onekidanddone said:

I remember when my dad died people said all kinds of dumb fuck things including ‘aren’t you over it by now’. 
One guy though said ‘ I lost a parent recently.  It sucks’. 
I comment was sincere and appreciated. 

 

Agree. That’s the kind of comment that actually is appreciated. It sucks. It’s unfair. 
Here you often get a desperate to be helpful mantra of three thrown at you. They wish you Courage , Strength, Power for example for the time ahead. After the third time hearing this phrase it really takes a lot of strength not to scream. 
Thankfully, no one ever came up with the “aren’t you over it by now”. I guess being a more tight lipped society about emotions like that has it’s perks? 

[xenobia]

It's really interesting to learn more about surnames in other countries. I'm Swedish, and it's kind of different here. When you get married, you have several options. You can: 

1. chose to keep your name, both of you

2. both change to an old family name, or something new you come up with that's approved by PRV (Patent - and registration office)

3. take each others last names. As an example: There's a well known cross country skiing couple here that did that. Her name was Anna Haag, his was Emil Jönsson. Now they are Anna Haag Jönsson and Emil Haag Jönsson. 

4. chose his or hers last name for both of you.

You have to let the IRS know what option you chose. And when you register your name there, the name change is usually really smooth. I know, I've done it twice. First time = first marriage. Husband 1 and me both had very common last names. He took an old family name from his mothers side a couple of months before we married (just 16 people in his family had it), and then I took his last name. Second time = second marriage. I still had my ex husbands last name, and didn't want to keep that. I just hadn't gotten around to change it, even though we had been divorced more than five years by then. And husband #2 is a college professor with lots of publications in his name, so it was an easy choice. I took his last name. But if I would have had a rare maiden name, I would have kept it all my life, for sure. But names like Johansson, Andersson and Eriksson isn't that much fun

[ItalianSceptic]

Here in Italy, women do not take husband's surname. We just keep ours, and as a convention sometimes, while talking, we say "I am Mrs HisName", but mostly we introduce ourselves with our surname. Children take father"s surname, but i have seen hyphenations with mother"s, since It Is legal to do this since 2016.

 

Edited March 7, 2022 by samurai_sarah
Signature removed

[imokit]

I applied for Spanish citizenship (as a duel national) took all the tests and had an appointment to swear in.  I got stopped at the final hurdle because they make you have 2 last names - your mum's and your dad's.  This would mean that I'd have two legal identities and we (my mum was doing the same thing) got scared that it could cause potential legal problems.  They were not able to negotiate to using the same name on my native documents and other passport.  There were no exceptions. 

[Father Son Holy Goat]

18 hours ago, SamanthasMom said:

I hope Jill has an easy pregnancy, and I am glad that this will be a wanted child who is offered an education. I do have to say though that I had hoped she would go back to school herself now that her boys will both be in school soon. Derick has gotten a lot of good coverage during the trial, but I do think he pushes his own narrative. I hope Jill feels like she has her own voice, and can deal with or not deal with her own family however she sees fit.

Like I said, I hope Derick is supportive in private, but there is a huge potential power difference with him embarking on a professional career and Jill uneducated with a new baby. Regardless of his recent good press, Derick has definitely been a jerk and self-involved several times. I hope he truly has evolved for Jill’s sake.

I hope Jill is still in therapy and a therapist would call Derrick on it if he took advantage of a power difference.

[AprilQuilt]

On 3/6/2022 at 8:34 AM, SamanthasMom said:

I hope Jill has an easy pregnancy, and I am glad that this will be a wanted child who is offered an education. I do have to say though that I had hoped she would go back to school herself now that her boys will both be in school soon. Derick has gotten a lot of good coverage during the trial, but I do think he pushes his own narrative. I hope Jill feels like she has her own voice, and can deal with or not deal with her own family however she sees fit.

Like I said, I hope Derick is supportive in private, but there is a huge potential power difference with him embarking on a professional career and Jill uneducated with a new baby. Regardless of his recent good press, Derick has definitely been a jerk and self-involved several times. I hope he truly has evolved for Jill’s sake.

Has she actually expressed a desire to go back to school? She may be content with staying at home with the kids - she may even still feel that this is her natural role as the mother. This baby is clearly planned and wanted, and it will be great for her to have the experience of parenting a baby on her own terms, neither back and forth to their 'mission' nor under Michelle's direction/having a horrible financial wrangle after a dangerous birth. I'm really happy she'll get a chance to start a child's life in the family home she and Derick own, in the very typical suburban life they've created, being older and stronger and more clear about who she is. It could be really healing for her.

I trust that she and Derick are in a good place right now in that he has supported her growth and change, including going through really hard things like standing up to Jim Bob and acknowledging Josh's crimes/sins and the fact that they are not something to be minimised. Everything she's doing is making her a stronger person. I can see that she would use him as a mouthpiece in terms of using the 'right' words around this legal stuff, and being perhaps more confident in navigating a secular world. But I don't think he's taking control. I think they're quite a complementary team in that there are things she takes as her role and others that are his. You can agree or disagree with how they divide this stuff up, but I don't think he's controlling or supressing her: he's just there on the journey with her.

[feministxtian]

5 hours ago, AprilQuilt said:

You can agree or disagree with how they divide this stuff up, but I don't think he's controlling or supressing her: he's just there on the journey with her.

Totally agree. I really don't think he's a control freak. If he was, she wouldn't be in the headspace she's in now. I think he supports her and they've settled things for themselves. They've chosen not to disclose everything in their lives and I do respect that. 

[sixcatatty]

On 3/5/2022 at 7:36 PM, feministxtian said:

I happily took his last name. 6 letter, generic American. My maiden name is 11 letters, very ethnic and most folks find it damn near impossible to pronounce properly. Someone asked me if I was going to go back to my maiden name after he died, seeing as how "you really aren't married anymore". I prefer to call it "involuntarily separated". So, I became Mrs. HisLastName in 1998 and I will go to my grave as Mrs. HisLastName. 

I took my husband's last name because I had no desire to be associated with my father's last name. My dad and I made peace before he died but I still have no desire to be known by his name.

[FeministShrew]

Damn, Jill looks amazing! I hope she has a healthy pregnancy, safe delivery, and healthy baby.

Ahhh, family name drama. Six months before I joined FJ in 2012 (has it really been nearly 10 years?), my then-fiancé dumped me on a phone call. His official reason was that he wanted a biological son to carry on the family name. It’s an unusual name, he is a “third,” and the only grandson with the family name. We were together for 8 years, engaged for two or three (I honestly can’t remember, lol), and all that time he said he didn’t want kids of his own, but would be happy being a stepdad. I made it clear from the very beginning I was not having more children. I’d just turned 44 when he left, he was younger, and, I found out later, had been cheating with multiple women younger than him.

Fast forward 10 years and he’s married to a woman in her upper forties, still older than him, with an adult daughter and no intention of having babies. So much for that family name.

Mr. Shrew’s first wife wanted him to take her name, because “you’re adopted so it’s not really your name anyway.” Thankfully he never got around to it. I was glad to take his last name. It’s the first “normal” last name I’ve had.

Edited March 7, 2022 by FeministShrew

[Vivi_music]

On 3/6/2022 at 3:35 PM, medimus said:

In Belgium everyone keeps their own last name. Until very recently (early 2000s) children got their father's last name unless there was no father on the birth cert, then they got the mother's. Now you can choose either the father's, mother's or the two hyphenated. If the parents can't decide it is both names in alphabetical order.

Sounds similar to the naming laws we have here in Québec. Women keep their maiden names all their lives and it's the law. They can choose to be called Mrs. HisLastName in everyday live, with friends and family, but on official documents (stuff like revenu agency, health booklet, driver's license, etc.) it will always be their maiden name.

We are also allowed to give children both parents' name and hyphenate it. I'm one of those kids. I have both of my parents name and I'm proud that my mom included her name in there. It became very popular to give the hyphenated names when I was born (early 90's), so we are a good bunch of millenials with both names here in Québec. That being said, a lot of people my age are now becoming parents and ''rejecting'' the trend. Apparently, they think two names is more complicated. Seriously... as someone who lived with two names, it isn't THAT complicated. Maybe the name is a bit longer to spell but I don't think a longer name is the biggest set back in a person's life. A bit more letters, ok. Not the end of the world. It's quite common in Latino countries to give both parents' names and they managed it for generations.

Maybe the only moment I will really need to think about it is when me and Mr. Music decide to have a child. We would like to start a family at some point; and I will have to choose which of the two names gets passed down. I think, deep down, I already know which name I'd like to pass on, but we'll really think about it when the time comes.

[feministxtian]

25 minutes ago, Vivi_music said:

It's quite common in Latino countries to give both parents' names and they managed it for generations.

Yup. My mother's full legal name (before she married my father) was First Name, Middle Name, Saint's Name, Mother's maiden name, Father's last name. My father had a typical First Name, Middle Name, (long ass, ethnic) last name (his father's). The mother, when I was born, wanted me to have Spanish First name, Middle Name, Saint's Name, Mother's maiden name (her father's name) and my father's (long ass, ethnic) last name. So happy my father filled out the paperwork. I have the traditional First/Middle/(long ass, ethnic) last name that I ditched when I married Mr. Xtian. 

[Mrs. Kravitz]

I remember in high school learning about Hispanic names and how they often have the mother and the father's paternal names. I was really tickled because my name would have either been the same or just switched around, since my middle name is my mother's maiden name. 

[Meggo]

11 hours ago, Vivi_music said:

Sounds similar to the naming laws we have here in Québec. Women keep their maiden names all their lives and it's the law. They can choose to be called Mrs. HisLastName in everyday live, with friends and family, but on official documents (stuff like revenu agency, health booklet, driver's license, etc.) it will always be their maiden name.

We are also allowed to give children both parents' name and hyphenate it. I'm one of those kids. I have both of my parents name and I'm proud that my mom included her name in there. It became very popular to give the hyphenated names when I was born (early 90's), so we are a good bunch of millenials with both names here in Québec. That being said, a lot of people my age are now becoming parents and ''rejecting'' the trend. Apparently, they think two names is more complicated. Seriously... as someone who lived with two names, it isn't THAT complicated. Maybe the name is a bit longer to spell but I don't think a longer name is the biggest set back in a person's life. A bit more letters, ok. Not the end of the world. It's quite common in Latino countries to give both parents' names and they managed it for generations.

Maybe the only moment I will really need to think about it is when me and Mr. Music decide to have a child. We would like to start a family at some point; and I will have to choose which of the two names gets passed down. I think, deep down, I already know which name I'd like to pass on, but we'll really think about it when the time comes.

it's interesting what people think will be confusing. I kept my name - and it was YEARS before we had The kidlet. The kidlet has Daddy's last name. And you know it's NEVER really come up. Sometimes when he's being silly he'll call me "Momma HisLastName!!" and I'll say - that's not my last name, my last name is This. And he'll laugh. I don't think he even thinks about me having a different last name because really - how often did you as a kid THINK of your parents last name? They were Mom & Dad, you were a family and who cares what name is on the mailbox?

I had a friend who had a daughter in her first marriage and when she re-married - she dropped her own middle name (the friends middle name) and moved her first husbands name to her middle name and took her new husbands last name. 
So that way the kids she had with new guy would all have the same last name as she & her husband, and the daughter she had with the first guy - would still "match" her name. 

The whole name change thing sounds like a lot of work. And I moved countries for my husband. No way was I going to do all THAT paperwork and then have to change it all with a different name. Yikes. Pass. 

[viii]

The worst family name thing I came across was when I worked for a travel agency and a family with 4 kids came in to book flights. Let's say that dad was Tom Smith and mom was Jane Johnson. Their first child was Bill Smith, second child was Jill Johnson, third child was Bob Johnson Smith and fourth child was Doug Smith Johnson. It was the weirdest thing. 

The coolest is that I know a family and they have two children. The boy has the male spelling of the name and the girl has the female spelling. Let's say it would be Souvlaki for the boy and Souvlaka for the girl. I found that pretty interesting. Mom had a different name altogether from the kids. 

[BrandoBarks]

My husband is Italian, I’m German. We got married in Germany because I wanted to take his name, have a common family name and the same name as our (then) future children. I was born with surname A (out of wedlock) and was given surname B when my mother got married and I was adopted by her husband. I never had a good relationship with that man so I looked forward to the day I could change to surname C.

[CarrotCake]

10 hours ago, viii said:

The coolest is that I know a family and they have two children. The boy has the male spelling of the name and the girl has the female spelling. Let's say it would be Souvlaki for the boy and Souvlaka for the girl. I found that pretty interesting.

I think this is very common in Russia. Maybe even mandatory.

[Expectopatronus]

I’m always intrigued when the kids have a different last name than either parent. Totally none of us business but I want the backstory darn it when the kids are, for example, Legal, mom is LeBrun and Dad is Jones. 

[SorenaJ]

5 hours ago, CarrotCake said:

I think this is very common in Russia. Maybe even mandatory.

It's common all over Eastern Europe. Polish, Czech, Slovak, Romanian, Russian, Lithuanian, Bulgarian, Belarusian. 

[Sullie06]

9 hours ago, Expectopatronus said:

I’m always intrigued when the kids have a different last name than either parent. Totally none of us business but I want the backstory darn it when the kids are, for example, Legal, mom is LeBrun and Dad is Jones. 

I work with a kid right now in that situation. Turns out Mom thought Guy A was Dad, even though there was possibility that B was Dad, she gave Baby A's name. Turns out B is Dad. So now the girl, her father and mother all have different names.  And guy A has never been involved. 

I feel like personally, if I were in that situation, I would have changed the babies name. Or just give them my name. 

Edited March 9, 2022 by Sullie06

[anjulibai]

5 hours ago, SorenaJ said:

It's common all over Eastern Europe. Polish, Czech, Slovak, Romanian, Russian, Lithuanian, Bulgarian, Belarusian. 

It's basically required in Slavic languages grammatically. There's actually some debate in those countries about how to deal with women's names from other countries. Like, should Michelle Obama be called Michelle Obamova? My last name is Czech and it's kind of funny nowing that I'd have a slightly different last name if I lived in the Czech Republic. 

[Knight of Ni]

6 hours ago, SorenaJ said:

It's common all over Eastern Europe. Polish, Czech, Slovak, Romanian, Russian, Lithuanian, Bulgarian, Belarusian. 

I wanted to ask a Polish friend about this but thought it would be rude to ask why her last name was slightly different from her father's.

Rude like the time that a complete stranger asked my cousin if her two kids had the same father.

[CarrotCake]

In Iceland they don't even have last names but they take the first name of their father/mother and add 'son' or 'dottir'

[SassyPants]

11 minutes ago, CarrotCake said:

In Iceland they don't even have last names but they take the first name of their father/mother and add 'son' or 'dottir'

Is that also true in Denmark?

[Mama Mia]

11 hours ago, Expectopatronus said:

I’m always intrigued when the kids have a different last name than either parent. Totally none of us business but I want the backstory darn it when the kids are, for example, Legal, mom is LeBrun and Dad is Jones. 

I think that’s super common though? Like kids have their bio dads last name, mom has her original name, step dad has his last name? You don’t always know dad isn’t the original or only dad, especially if it’s just a school situation. 
In my family we have a kid who has her grandmas  sur-name, her dad wasn’t big in the picture, and her mom was alienated from her dead-beat dad-although she has his last name. So she used her moms last name for her kid. 
For a time when I was raising kids in a blended family we had several last names being used. I kept my 2nd husbands name after we broke up partly because it was also the name of the kids he brought into the family. Who are still my family. 
 

Edited March 9, 2022 by Mama Mia

[Expectopatronus]

@Mama Mia Not super common but it does happen, I think I’ ve had 5 or 6 families in that situation. One case the kid was foster but looked identical to her foster dad. They joked about it. She used her foster family’s last name on her assignments and was incredibly mature about official documents needing to have her legal last name. In other cases, yeah, the kids have all had different last names depending on who was their biological father and the mom used the last name of her current boyfriend. Totally made sense. I felt awful that I used the wrong last name for the mom once. She had forgotten to update the school that her last name had changed so I used the old name. Oop😬s