Lori Alexander 74: Anniversary Pain

[Lgirlrocks]

Dear Lori, or @Ken, marrying a successful marriage doesn’t always make. My aunt married young and the man left her after two years. Said he never loved her. My mom and dad would still be married if he hadn’t passed away, 35 years this past August. My mom was 29 when they married. My dad was 19 the first time he married. His wife cheated on him and left him. She was 17 when they married. They had a son together. My dads oldest grew up without a dad because his mom wanted child support. My and and uncle married in their early 20’s and just celebrated 50 years, they are jewish not Christian. Don’t think they ever planned on divorcing. My aunt has always worked. My grandma married in her middle 20’s. Back in the 40’s that was old. She was married to my grandpa for almost 50 years before he passed. My mom grew up thinking they were going to divorce. I’m 30 and until I started dating my current bf, at 25 there wasn’t anyone in my life I could have married. Guys were too immature. My mom knew the value of an education and wanted me to get an associates degree. I went on to get my bachelors. I am very grateful for being pushed into school. I love learning. I do hate the debt that came with it but I am working hard to pay it off. 

[rayneflower]

I just want the inside dirt of what goes on in the chat room. It seems like thats where all her 'juicy' stuff is. I just want the dirty details. 

I hope Lori's daughter is throwing shade at Lori. Lori is so selfish and cold hearted she needs a taste of her own medicine. 

[smittykins]

2 hours ago, Lgirlrocks said:

Dear Lori, or @Ken, marrying a successful marriage doesn’t always make. My aunt married young and the man left her after two years. Said he never loved her. My mom and dad would still be married if he hadn’t passed away, 35 years this past August. My mom was 29 when they married. My dad was 19 the first time he married. His wife cheated on him and left him. She was 17 when they married. They had a son together. My dads oldest grew up without a dad because his mom wanted child support. My and and uncle married in their early 20’s and just celebrated 50 years, they are jewish not Christian. Don’t think they ever planned on divorcing. My aunt has always worked. My grandma married in her middle 20’s. Back in the 40’s that was old. She was married to my grandpa for almost 50 years before he passed. My mom grew up thinking they were going to divorce. I’m 30 and until I started dating my current bf, at 25 there wasn’t anyone in my life I could have married. Guys were too immature. My mom knew the value of an education and wanted me to get an associates degree. I went on to get my bachelors. I am very grateful for being pushed into school. I love learning. I do hate the debt that came with it but I am working hard to pay it off. 

My aunt(Mom’s half-sister)was married to her high-school sweetheart for 37 years until he passed in 1999.  Both of their children were married and divorced twice.

[SongRed7]

Sorry in advance for long post, but I feel a need to rant about real life and Lori life.  I've been a Lori break as well...but for different reasons. 

Two weeks before Christmas my husband was at the gym and suffered a massive heart attack. For those of you with a medical background it is one called a "STEMI" and more commonly known as a "widow-maker."  Due to his excellent (otherwise) health (no high BP, no meds, he weighs the same as he did in HS, exercises, eats right, no high cholesterol, etc) and quick intervention at an advanced hospital (where I also happen to work and insure the family thru -- sorry about that awkward sentence), he not only survived but is doing well considering.  It will be many months of recuperating, rehab, etc...but the doctors are hopeful he wont' have any lingering heart damage...but we won't know for 30 -40 days or so while heart heals.

Let me tell you, I rode with him in the ambulance, was at the hospital night and day, rallying family and friends (who have been amazing providing meals the first week, setting up schedules to visit so I can get out of the house, etc) and helping my children (26, 23 and 15) hold it all together.  Nerves and stomach issues didn't keep me away.  I hate to judge how others handle dire situations, but I will call BULLSHIT on Lori during Ken's health scare.  I didn't keep in touch via text or make my adult kids do the bidding. I didn't make excuses. My husband needed me to be strong and my kids needed me to be strong.  I sucked it up (and it was hard...I let myself fall apart at night) even thought I didn't sleep much the first week with everything that happened and everything that had to happen when he came home.  I tell everyone adrenaline, caffeine and sure will-power along with my faith helped me get through each day. It has since gotten better, but there are still challenges now and the near future. 

Also, thanks to me working and having good insurance we luckily won't have to go bankrupt or severely in debt due to his illness. Because we DID plan for the "what ifs"  and Thank God we did!  Also he may not be able to work for several months (we'll have  a better idea next week at his next follow up appt.) but even with short term disability insurance, financially it will be tough the next couple months, despite not having to worry about hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical expenses.  He's on 7 different life saving medications right now, and without the health insurance I cover the family with...that ALONE would break our budget within a month or two. 

I am a believer and God is good. We have awesome friends and family who have rallied to help us, but even with that much/most of the burden right now is on my shoulders. I am not angry....bad things happen to people all the time. I will just persevere and be as strong as possible.  I know worse things have happened to other families. We will get through. 

 

But through all of this, and pondering Lori and all she dictates, it makes me angry. Women are not weak. I can be a "keeper at home" and work outside the home and not be outside of God's will for my life.   God made me a strong woman for a reason. I have always been strong...and even when I feel like I'm brought to my knees, I believe God gave me the intelligence and life skills/tools  and good people in my life to get thru it.  

I am judging you, Lori.  I don't feel good about it, but I own it.  She couldn't do what I can do because I don't use false religion as an excuse to hold me down as a woman. 

 

NOW, catching up on the Lori threads, here are some BEC observations.

* In her notes on her daughter's social media and on her DIL social media...she never actually "congratulates" them on motherhood or the birth of a new child. Her comments are always a reflection on herself such as "oh...MY 11th grandchild was born"  It would be really nice once in a while for her to post a unselfish comment like "congratulations! You are a wonderful wife and mother. Enjoy your new baby."  But  I know that's too much to ask.  in the same vein, when Alyssa got pregnant and several times after, Lori always said things like "I PRAYED for that baby for seven years."  Now I'm a big believer in prayer, but Lori's comments made it seem it was ONLY because of her prayers, that Alyssa got pregnant.

* I'm sick of Alyssa, too.  Sweetie, you aren't the first woman to ever have a baby. Suck it up. 

 

Edited January 2, 2020 by SongRed7

[delphinium65]

49 minutes ago, SongRed7 said:

I hate to judge how others handle dire situations, but I will call BULLSHIT on Lori during Ken's health scare. 

I agree.  Unless there are genuine problems preventing one's presence at the hospital when a partner is ill/injured (truly serious health problems, infections like flu that you definitely do NOT want to expose an already sick person to, etc), people who actually care about their partners usually get to the hospital at least to visit as frequently as possible.  I don't think Ken's health, or even life, is a priority for Lori, and staying away from the hospital when he was seriously ill just made that fact clear.  

[onemama]

@SongRed7, I hope your husband makes a full recovery!  A heart attack is scary.  I'm glad you have a good medical insurance and won't be facing a mountain of debt because life threw you a curveball.

[feministxtian]

30 minutes ago, delphinium65 said:

I agree.  Unless there are genuine problems preventing one's presence at the hospital when a partner is ill/injured (truly serious health problems, infections like flu that you definitely do NOT want to expose an already sick person to, etc), people who actually care about their partners usually get to the hospital at least to visit as frequently as possible.  I don't think Ken's health, or even life, is a priority for Lori, and staying away from the hospital when he was seriously ill just made that fact clear.  

With Mr. Xtian's hospitalizations, I was there at least 12 hours a day, every damn day. I had to supervise his diabetes treatment b/c the fucking nurses were idiots. I had to fight with the doctors and the pharmacist to assure proper insulin administration. They'd have killed him otherwise. Now, hospice was different. I'd spend a couple of hours there and go home then go back. It was torture seeing him like that and I had to balance my needs against staying with him as he was comatose. I knew he was dying and needed to gather my strength to deal with that. I spent a lot of time in the shower crying. BUT...during his hospitalizations, I was there. The hospital was 25 miles from my house and I drove that every fkn day. 

Lori was at home reading the life insurance policies seeing how much money she'd get if he croaked. 

[delphinium65]

1 hour ago, feministxtian said:

With Mr. Xtian's hospitalizations, I was there at least 12 hours a day, every damn day. I had to supervise his diabetes treatment b/c the fucking nurses were idiots. I had to fight with the doctors and the pharmacist to assure proper insulin administration. They'd have killed him otherwise. Now, hospice was different. I'd spend a couple of hours there and go home then go back. It was torture seeing him like that and I had to balance my needs against staying with him as he was comatose. I knew he was dying and needed to gather my strength to deal with that. I spent a lot of time in the shower crying. BUT...during his hospitalizations, I was there. The hospital was 25 miles from my house and I drove that every fkn day. 

Lori was at home reading the life insurance policies seeing how much money she'd get if he croaked. 

I could almost pity Lori, for never knowing what it's like to actually care that much about another person.  'Almost' being the operative word.  

[feministxtian]

2 minutes ago, delphinium65 said:

I could almost pity Lori, for never knowing what it's like to actually care that much about another person.  'Almost' being the operative word.  

I don't, not in the least. She and @Ken made their choices. They both admitted they weren't "in love" when they married. I'd KILL to have my husband back...Lori, just his money

[rayneflower]

Just now, delphinium65 said:

I could almost pity Lori, for never knowing what it's like to actually care that much about another person.  'Almost' being the operative word.  

Lori would burst if she had to be the primary caregiver for someone with Alzheimer's. I took care of my MIL until she passed, the things I have seen... She couldn't handle it. 

[Frog99]

@SongRed7 prayers for you and your family. I can’t imagine what that was like for you and your family.

I too am over Alyssa. I think she’s a beautiful girl, but her overly curated IG feed is less than authentic. Not to mention, she seems to leave her helpless baby in Lori’s care quite a bit. She may not openly support her mother, but as someone here mentioned before, there is no way she isn’t aware of her mother’s social media presence or parenting ideals, and that tells me all I need to know about her true self and beliefs. 

The whole lot of them is vile. 

And to venture even more into BEC territory, how on EARTH is Ken any sort of consultant? He has zero ability to express himself in writing, which suggests his verbal skills are also lacking (I also saw Lori’s IG clip of him saying prayer for Christmas dinner and he sounded very nasally and girly). It boggles my mind. 

[rayneflower]

Just now, Frog99 said:

And to venture even more into BEC territory, how on EARTH is Ken any sort of consultant? He has zero ability to express himself in writing, which suggests his verbal skills are also lacking (I also saw Lori’s IG clip of him saying prayer for Christmas dinner and he sounded very nasally and girly). It boggles my mind. 

He's got to have people who do the actual consulting for him, or he does everything online. 

[Lgirlrocks]

Here’s the thing about fundies and their “brand” of Christianity; they focus too much on the legalism of everything instead of being Christ like. Christianity didn’t exist before Christ. Jesus never once said anything about women staying home and not working outside of the home. He never had women be his helpmates and his disciples didn’t have helpmates aside from each other. Jesus never spoke about homosexuality or men lording over women. He cared about action and practicing what you preach. Jesus said to give all of your belongings to the poor, pick up your cross and follow him. Lori and he kind are going to be very surprised when they die and don’t make it into heaven, if it exist. 

[PennySycamore]

@feministxtian,  On the JRod thread when we were talking about the vow renewal,  I thought about you and Mr Xtian and my sister and brother-in-law.   You and my brother-in-law have really lived your marriage vows in the past few years and particularly the last months of your husband's and my sister's lives.  "For better, for worse.  In sickness or in health".   I don't know if you guys ever had a vow renewal, but my sister and her husband never did.  Didn't need to.  You all lived your vows every day of your married life.   

Lori and Ken have no knowledge about that kind of marriage, about that deep a love. 

[feministxtian]

1 minute ago, PennySycamore said:

@feministxtian,  On the JRod thread when we were talking about the vow renewal,  I thought about you and Mr Xtian and my sister and brother-in-law.   You and my brother-in-law have really lived your marriage vows in the past few years and particularly the last months of your husband's and my sister's lives.  "For better, for worse.  In sickness or in health".   I don't know if you guys ever had a vow renewal, but my sister and her husband never did.  Didn't need to.  You all lived your vows every day of your married life.   

Lori and Ken have no knowledge about that kind of marriage, about that deep a love. 

We were toying with a vow renewal at our 25th anniversary. Our motto was "divorce never...homicide maybe" <j/k>. We talked a lot of shit to each other including "there's a helluva lot of desert out there"...but it was just bullshit and laughing. 

I honestly don't think there are really that many couples, especially of the fundie variety who really GET that sickness & health thing. It's just assumed that everything will go along just fine, maybe with a bump or two but nothing life-changing. Maybe I drew the short stick on that one. 

[Hane]

Here’s the difference between the Lori/ @Ken marriage and those of people like @SongRed7 and @feministxtian:

The Lori/Ken trainwreck of a marriage is all about the “hard, hard work” of marriage and following the “rules” of who (hey—that autocorrected to “ego”!)—is the headship and who is submissive. It is OH SO HARD to have a Christian (TM) marriage, guys! But Jesus and salvation and stuff.

But spouses like Mr. and Mrs. SongRed7 and Mr. and Mrs. Xtian actually LOVE each other.  They’ve been through actual hell and back, while respecting and taking care of each other as individuals. 

Want a chance at a decent marriage? Try marrying someone you actually love—not the Lori/Ken “settle-for” situation.  News flash, Lori: Normal people don’t have to obey some Biblical order to “love” their husbands—they just DO. There’s something missing in Lori’s wiring.

[feministxtian]

10 minutes ago, Hane said:

Here’s the difference between the Lori/ @Ken marriage and those of people like @SongRed7 and @feministxtian:

The Lori/Ken trainwreck of a marriage is all about the “hard, hard work” of marriage and following the “rules” of who (hey—that autocorrected to “ego”!)—is the headship and who is submissive. It is OH SO HARD to have a Christian (TM) marriage, guys! But Jesus and salvation and stuff.

But spouses like Mr. and Mrs. SongRed7 and Mr. and Mrs. Xtian actually LOVE each other.  They’ve been through actual hell and back, while respecting and taking care of each other as individuals. 

Want a chance at a decent marriage? Try marrying someone you actually love—not the Lori/Ken “settle-for” situation.  News flash, Lori: Normal people don’t have to obey some Biblical order to “love” their husbands—they just DO. There’s something missing in Lori’s wiring.

I never struggled to love my husband. Occasionally I didn't like him very much, but I'm sure he felt the same about me. Loving him was easy. Our marriage wasn't "hard". Occasionally difficult, given certain things we had to deal with (lunatic x-wife, my mother, his illnesses), but it was never "hard". I didn't have to learn to love him, I just did, and he the same with me. I used to ask him "why do you love me"? He'd answer, "I don't know, I just do". He just loved me for me. I loved him for him. We were us, two halves of a whole. Now I'm just a half. Lori and our other fundies don't understand this. There are no rules, no transactions when you love someone and are loved in return. It just is. It's there, you nurture it, you pay attention to the relationship, you feed it, you watch it grow. We weren't the same people in 2018 that we were in 1998 when we got married...we'd been through some shit in 20 years, little did we know what 2019 would bring. Talk about going through some shit. 

[SongRed7]

Likewise.  Through this current situation, I just did what I had to do. What most spouses would do. It was automatic, not something I had “to choose to do” to love my husband.  You just automatically fly into action because of a deep love, caring and respect.

the gym owner (it’s a small place, not one of those big corporate places) where my husband had his attack visited my husband several times in the hospital and after wards (they are buddies) and he said to Mr SongRed “dude, your wife’s a rock” (I wasn’t present are the time). My husband said he felt proud and said “yes she is”. I don’t say that to brag..  because I think most of us are “rocks” when we have to be. We don’t have to think about the “rules” and how we are “supposed to be”. 

How sad for the Lori/Kens of this world  who are so focused on a prescription of marriage rather than just living it.

trust me — after almost 30 years we’ve had our share of normal issues, but I vowed to be by his side in sickness and in health. That’s a true helpmeet. 

Thank you all for the well wishes! Every day he’s getting a bit better! I’ll keep you posted 

[onemama]

5 hours ago, Hane said:

The Lori/Ken trainwreck of a marriage is all about the “hard, hard work” of marriage and following the “rules” of who (hey—that autocorrected to “ego”!)—is the headship and who is submissive. It is OH SO HARD to have a Christian (TM) marriage, guys! But Jesus and salvation and stuff.

This is so true!  I can't begin to tell you how liberating it has been to shake off all the shoulds and ought tos and replace them with I want and I choose to. 

In my experience of almost 17 years of marriage, I wouldn't say that it's been easy, but most of the hard has been because of all the rules that kept me a prisoner in my own head.  My husband is not a perfect person but he is a loving and very lovable man.  He's kind and generous but he's fighting his own fight against his own limiting thought patterns.  When I look at him and see him for the person he is, my heart overflows with love. When I look at the way he's disappointed me at times, and I tell myself that I must stay with him and submit to him, then something else spews from my heart. 

Lori and Ken put shackles on women whose marriages are bad, chaining them to their husbands and giving them no freedom to choose, and where there's no freedom to choose, there is no love. Sure, marriages will survive if both partners decide never to divorce, but at what cost? 

Jesus frees us to love people for who they are, not turning a blind eye to the wrong things they do, but loving them anyway, even if we have to walk away.  Grace and love are not synonymous with turning a blind eye, never saying a word and making excuses for bad behavior.  

9 minutes ago, SongRed7 said:

You just automatically fly into action because of a deep love, caring and respect.

Which is cultivated in an environment of freedom!

10 minutes ago, SongRed7 said:

How sad for the Lori/Kens of this world  who are so focused on a prescription of marriage rather than just living it.

I agree!

[klein_roeschen]

6 hours ago, Hane said:

Here’s the difference between the Lori/ @Ken marriage and those of people like @SongRed7 and @feministxtian:

The Lori/Ken trainwreck of a marriage is all about the “hard, hard work” of marriage and following the “rules” of who (hey—that autocorrected to “ego”!)—is the headship and who is submissive. It is OH SO HARD to have a Christian (TM) marriage, guys! But Jesus and salvation and stuff.

But spouses like Mr. and Mrs. SongRed7 and Mr. and Mrs. Xtian actually LOVE each other.  They’ve been through actual hell and back, while respecting and taking care of each other as individuals. 

Want a chance at a decent marriage? Try marrying someone you actually love—not the Lori/Ken “settle-for” situation.  News flash, Lori: Normal people don’t have to obey some Biblical order to “love” their husbands—they just DO. There’s something missing in Lori’s wiring.

I'm single and will likely stay single, but if I had to choose between Lori and Ken's marriage and @feministxtian marriage, I would choose the latter, even with the heartbreaking end. I can't even imagine being married for 40 years to someone I don't love. I rather share the joys and sorrows in stick shack with someone I love, than to live in a mansion with someone I can barely stand. And @SongRed7 I hope for a full and speedy recovery for your husband. It sounds like you have an amazing marriage.

11 hours ago, Lgirlrocks said:

Here’s the thing about fundies and their “brand” of Christianity; they focus too much on the legalism of everything instead of being Christ like. Christianity didn’t exist before Christ. Jesus never once said anything about women staying home and not working outside of the home. He never had women be his helpmates and his disciples didn’t have helpmates aside from each other. Jesus never spoke about homosexuality or men lording over women. He cared about action and practicing what you preach. Jesus said to give all of your belongings to the poor, pick up your cross and follow him. Lori and he kind are going to be very surprised when they die and don’t make it into heaven, if it exist. 

That's something I can't wrap my brain around. Where in the world did they bend from Jesus telling the rich man to give up all his wealth to the poor if he want's to follow him to the prosperity gospel so many fundies follow today? Or the feeding of the poor, the healing of the sick and even to associate with the adulterous woman at the well to what they are today? How can they claim to follow his example and be so much the opposite of his example. And I sometimes feel that atheist me without any religious upbringing knows more about Jesus and what he did and live more in line of his teachings (I'm for decent wellfare and health insurance for everyone, paying taxes, don't judge people for the way they live, etc.).

Edited January 3, 2020 by klein_roeschen
forgott something

[kmachete14]

I guess I always assumed Ken didn't want Lori at the hospital with him. We know he's callous, irrational, lords over his castle, and is clearly annoyed by Lori's habits, so it's not that far off of an assumption that he just wanted to recuperate in peace. 

[wallysmommy]

This is the opposite of the Lori/Ken and their ilk's meaning of marriage.  My parents slept in the same bed for 57 years.  Even when my dad was sick, he slept in the bed until the last night when they brought in a hospital bed.  He fell out of the bed and was moved to inpatient hospice the next afternoon.  He spent one night in IP hospice, and passed away the next morning.  My mom had to change the bedsheets every day because of his issues.  It wasn't easy, but he was her love, and she would do whatever it took to care for him just like @feministxtian and @SongRed7.  

Anyone who preaches that mothers and wives have to be taught to love their children/spouses has such a deep malfunction that it's almost incomprehensible.  You cannot teach a feeling or emotion.  You teach a skill or impart knowledge.  You can't teach attitude.  Like no one is going to teach me to like peanut butter, no matter how hard they try.  Lori's idea of teaching was to beat the kids until they submitted.  That's not teaching -- that's coercion.  

[Lgirlrocks]

4 minutes ago, wallysmommy said:

This is the opposite of the Lori/Ken and their ilk's meaning of marriage.  My parents slept in the same bed for 57 years.  Even when my dad was sick, he slept in the bed until the last night when they brought in a hospital bed.  He fell out of the bed and was moved to inpatient hospice the next afternoon.  He spent one night in IP hospice, and passed away the next morning.  My mom had to change the bedsheets every day because of his issues.  It wasn't easy, but he was her love, and she would do whatever it took to care for him just like @feministxtian and @SongRed7.  

Anyone who preaches that mothers and wives have to be taught to love their children/spouses has such a deep malfunction that it's almost incomprehensible.  You cannot teach a feeling or emotion.  You teach a skill or impart knowledge.  You can't teach attitude.  Like no one is going to teach me to like peanut butter, no matter how hard they try.  Lori's idea of teaching was to beat the kids until they submitted.  That's not teaching -- that's coercion.  

Lori had to learn to love @Ken because she married for money. When you have kids out of obligation and marry for money someone may have to teach you how to love. 

[usmcmom]

1 hour ago, kmachete14 said:

I guess I always assumed Ken didn't want Lori at the hospital with him. We know he's callous, irrational, lords over his castle, and is clearly annoyed by Lori's habits, so it's not that far off of an assumption that he just wanted to recuperate in peace. 

I think you are right. I also think this speaks volumes about the kind of woman Lori is - so selfish and hateful, her husband can’t recover well while she is present. 
 

For a lot of (normal) people, this situation would have been a wakeup call for both of them. Ken should have seen the depths of her selfishness when she so easily stayed away. Lori should have seen his distain for her when he WANTED her to stay away. 

[sixcatatty]

13 hours ago, feministxtian said:

I never struggled to love my husband. Occasionally I didn't like him very much, but I'm sure he felt the same about me. Loving him was easy. Our marriage wasn't "hard". Occasionally difficult, given certain things we had to deal with (lunatic x-wife, my mother, his illnesses), but it was never "hard". I didn't have to learn to love him, I just did, and he the same with me. I used to ask him "why do you love me"? He'd answer, "I don't know, I just do". He just loved me for me. I loved him for him. We were us, two halves of a whole. Now I'm just a half. Lori and our other fundies don't understand this. There are no rules, no transactions when you love someone and are loved in return. It just is. It's there, you nurture it, you pay attention to the relationship, you feed it, you watch it grow. We weren't the same people in 2018 that we were in 1998 when we got married...we'd been through some shit in 20 years, little did we know what 2019 would bring. Talk about going through some shit. 

I am so sorry about Mr. Xtian.

I also agree. We're not the same people we were when we married in 1983, nor in 2005, when he returned home from Iraq. He also didn't know when we married that I would become chronically ill in 2006. Even with all that, he's still my best friend, the better half of my whole, the inveterate, unrepentant punster who loves nothing better than to make me laugh until my ribs hurt.

I read Lori's thing about how little she went to the hospital when Ken was there and I thought how after my gall bladder surgery in 2016, my husband, who had put on my ring to keep it safe, put it back on my finger and said in sickness and in health. I also thought of just recently when I had the second of two lumbar ablations, he walked into the recovery room and knew something was wrong without me saying a word AND how he's celebrated with me the smallest movement forward. She'll never have that.