Bro Gary Hawkins 12: IT BIBLE

[thoughtful]

Apparently, Gary knows exactly where He is. We get a map and everything!

[griffin]

They are live again. This uuhh pasture is just as uuhh  horrible as uuhh Bro Gary. I can't uuhh even uuhh listen to him.

Becky has a vocal range of maybe three flat notes which is all she ever uses no matter what the song. Can she really not know how horrible her singing is? 

[ChickenettiLuvr]

I tried so hard to watch the live. My ears are screaming and my perfect pitch may never recover. Seven minutes of their "singing" may send me to an early grave!

If I'm ever forced to listen again to one of those Tennessee Windsucker preachers, I insist you sit next to me @thoughtful. (I may or may not have let out a few loud guffaws.)  Looking forward to the next installment. 

[Ozlsn]

9 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Maybe he's trying to prepare them for the upcoming "tent revival" to be indoors, and pretty shabby.

And via Zoom. 

[scoutsadie]

Guess why this made me think of Bro. Gary?

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-52157824

Dude and his wife went to Marti Gras so he could god-bother people and ended up dying of pneumonia and COVID-19.

Edited April 7, 2020 by scoutsadie

[thoughtful]

I just sent an email to a student who is playing this hymn:

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/music/library/hymns/o-savior-thou-who-wearest-a-crown?lang=eng&_r=1&showFlash=true

which is sung to the melody better known as the setting for the text "O, Sacred Head, Now Wounded." I gathered some information for him, including a recording of the settings of that melody from the Bach St. Matthew Passion, and the entire Passion.

So, since I had a video ready to send to him, I am now listening to the entire St. Matthew Passion while updating lesson plans.  Nobody is out of tune, nobody is yelling HAYMAYUN, nobody is theorizing that the liberal media and Bill Gates are plotting against Jesus and trying to take away his guns before they crucify him.

I don't know if and when I will be able to make myself watch any Bro Gary tonight or tomorrow - tonight it's just too jarring a transition, and tomorrow I'm teaching all day.

I shall return to my post soon. But for now:

 

Edited April 7, 2020 by thoughtful

[Xan]

The current pastor at the First Baptist Church of Ennis is listed as Dr. Chris Bradford -- known here as Pastor Ummmm.  I looked around on Google and can't find his credentials.  It does say that he's been the pastor since 2012 and he's a youngish looking guy with young children.  I'm fairly certain that the Dr. part of his name is just the benefit of some diploma mill and, like David Rod, he paid for a piece of paper.  

It's a larger church than is the usual for Bro Gary.  They have a website and an audio file instantly starts playing a hellfire-and-brimstone sermon snippet on most pages.  It's of the sing-song shouty variety.  "Why I'll never forget this.  'At ole boy preached on hell for about forty-five minutes uhhh.  Oh my uhhh.  He cried and preached on hell uhhh.  Felt (?) like he really believed folks went there uhhh. Haymannn uhhh."  These are exactly Gary's kind of people.

They've got their own logo too.  I think it looks like something Pastor Ummmm probably helped design.  The lion makes it manly and the Bible with the date makes it all King Jamesy.  And it has swords!

Spoiler

 

[AmazonGrace]

He comes in church... 

Yeah I'm 12 too

[Xan]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

He comes in church... 

Yeah I'm 12 too

I read it as he comes in the Bible.

Yeah, I'm probably not quite 12

[thoughtful]

5 minutes ago, Xan said:

I read it as he comes in the Bible.

Popping in between students, to say that, of all the books in the house you'd expect to have stuck together pages, I'd think that would be the least likely!

OK, back to teaching . .  .

[keepercjr]

2 hours ago, Xan said:

The current pastor at the First Baptist Church of Ennis is listed as Dr. Chris Bradford -- known here as Pastor Ummmm.  I looked around on Google and can't find his credentials.  It does say that he's been the pastor since 2012 and he's a youngish looking guy with young children.  I'm fairly certain that the Dr. part of his name is just the benefit of some diploma mill and, like David Rod, he paid for a piece of paper. 

Here is his "about" section from facebook.  

Looks like the Dr part is from a Mexican bible college.

They LOVE Gary at that church.  Chris's mom comments frequently on Gary's facebook page.  He goes there several times per year.

[Pecansforeveryone]

1 hour ago, AmazonGrace said:

He comes in church... 

Yeah I'm 12 too

I have seen variations of church bulletin fails about "getting down your knees to please Jesus" whether that or South Park, I always laugh. 

[Xan]

5 hours ago, keepercjr said:

Here is his "about" section from facebook.  

Looks like the Dr part is from a Mexican bible college.

They LOVE Gary at that church.  Chris's mom comments frequently on Gary's facebook page.  He goes there several times per year.

Thanks for finding that.  The Instituto Bautista Biblica is just an online Bible study place.  Looks like the typical fundie religious diploma mill.  I couldn't find the Instituto Pan De Vida but there is an Instituto Biblico Pan De Vida.  Maybe that's what he meant.  They don't have a huge web presence but their Facebook page shows that it's another online school.  For the first year, the tuition is $6 a month and classes appear to be held on Saturday mornings.

This looks to be a graduation ceremony from the site.  

Spoiler

 

Edited April 7, 2020 by Xan

[Ozlsn]

8 hours ago, Xan said:

The current pastor at the First Baptist Church of Ennis is listed as Dr. Chris Bradford -- known here as Pastor Ummmm.  I looked around on Google and can't find his credentials.  It does say that he's been the pastor since 2012 and he's a youngish looking guy with young children.  I'm fairly certain that the Dr. part of his name is just the benefit of some diploma mill and, like David Rod, he paid for a piece of paper.  

It's a larger church than is the usual for Bro Gary.  They have a website and an audio file instantly starts playing a hellfire-and-brimstone sermon snippet on most pages.  It's of the sing-song shouty variety.  "Why I'll never forget this.  'At ole boy preached on hell for about forty-five minutes uhhh.  Oh my uhhh.  He cried and preached on hell uhhh.  Felt (?) like he really believed folks went there uhhh. Haymannn uhhh."  These are exactly Gary's kind of people.

They've got their own logo too.  I think it looks like something Pastor Ummmm probably helped design.  The lion makes it manly and the Bible with the date makes it all King Jamesy.  And it has swords!

  Hide contents

 

So they worship a book.

Which the lion or possibly the pastor apparently comes in at least one volume of. 

Well I guess a cult's gotta do what a cult's gotta do. 

This would fit in so well on Tiger King. 

[feministxtian]

I am SO still a 12 year old boy...perhaps this quarantine and dealing with my new job have driven me to new lows in LOLs. 

[thoughtful]

56 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

I am SO still a 12 year old boy

I always think of my inner dirty-minded child as a 12-year-old girl - I remember myself at that age too well.

And it was all about humor, even then, even by coincidence. I actually learned how sex works (I think I was 9 or 10) from a friend's older sister who described it briefly so we younger kids would get the dirty joke she was about to tell.

 

[Starrynight]

10 hours ago, Xan said:

The current pastor at the First Baptist Church of Ennis is listed as

They've got their own logo too.  I think it looks like something Pastor Ummmm probably helped design.  The lion makes it manly and the Bible with the date makes it all King Jamesy.  And it has swords!

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I’m sorry but something about that graphic makes me think there will be a “The Bible! Volume 2” coming soon to a church near you!  ?

[feministxtian]

27 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

I always think of my inner dirty-minded child as a 12-year-old girl - I remember myself at that age too well.

And it was all about humor, even then, even by coincidence. I actually learned how sex works (I think I was 9 or 10) from a friend's older sister who described it briefly so we younger kids would get the dirty joke she was about to tell.

 

Almost anything that can be taken one of 2 ways, I always choose the dirty one...yup..right into the gutter! I wish I knew why other than maybe I really am that immature still. I DO require adult supervision on a regular basis. Someone needs to suspend my access to Amazon and take my bank card. So far, I've not gone completely nuts but...I'm close. 

[thoughtful]

28 minutes ago, feministxtian said:

Almost anything that can be taken one of 2 ways, I always choose the dirty one...yup..right into the gutter! I wish I knew why other than maybe I really am that immature still.

We are not immature - we are refreshingly youthful!

[feministxtian]

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R us kid..

[AmazonGrace]

Brother Gary was live, amen, and I watched, amen, for two minutes, amen, and amen I learned that there are different time zones, amen, and it's morning in some of them, amen, and some of them it's evening, amen, and you should come see Gary, amen, if you can, amen.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=3165888206789325&id=100001045301983?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=i

[AmazonGrace]

Gary is doing a live again... he is mad that liquor stores are open. It's more than a virus. Whatever this thing is he doesn't want it. He prays for everybody. But we are just sitting back and letting our rights to be taken away little by little. The sad part is that some churches agreed that it's ok not to get together.

He doesn't want you to get it but he wants you to go to church and get it there.

[Xan]

On 4/8/2020 at 5:04 PM, AmazonGrace said:

Brother Gary was live, amen, and I watched, amen, for two minutes, amen, and amen I learned that there are different time zones, amen, and it's morning in some of them, amen, and some of them it's evening, amen, and you should come see Gary, amen, if you can, amen.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=3165888206789325&id=100001045301983?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=i

Yeah.  He thought if it was eleven o'clock in Texas, it's evening in North Carolina.

He's really hammering away for people to keep sending their church their "offerings and things" because the church has the pastor's pasture's salary and missionaries and evangelists (Gary!) to pay.  "When you go to the grocery store during this time, they ...uh, you do not go to Walmarts and go down to Piggly Wiggly and pay.  You pay at Walmarts."

Garyisms:

"Job lost his money, he lost his children, he, uh, he lost his house, he lost his banking account".

I love this one:  "Give seizure what belongs to seizure and give God what belongs to God."

"I have been known to take three and four showers a day.  That's how clean I believe in being."

"We use san-hanitiz...er, hand-sanitizer."

"You're going to go to these restaurants and drive thru --  How do you know they're washing their hands in 'ere?  You're not in 'ere."   Ewwwww, Gary.  Just, ewwwww.

He's mighty disappointed that people aren't showing up for church.  You can tell because he taps his feet, looks disappointed, and sucks his teeth some more.

That's enough of Gary for me for today..

 

 

 

 

[thoughtful]

Thanks, @Xan and @AmazonGrace. Gosh those ideas sound familiar!

Gary, you are old enough to remember what the phrase "you sound like a broken record" means. Come up with some new material, will you?

Did Becky ever get her White Lily flour?

15 minutes ago, Xan said:

I love this one:  "Give seizure what belongs to seizure and give God what belongs to God."

That's Gary gold.

 

[Ozlsn]

9 hours ago, Xan said:

"Job lost his money, he lost his children, he, uh, he lost his house, he lost his banking account".

I do not remember Job's banking account being mentioned in the Bible. Must re-read.

9 hours ago, Xan said:

He's really hammering away for people to keep sending their church their "offerings and things" because the church has the pastor's pasture's salary and missionaries and evangelists (Gary!) to pay.

And unsurprisingly it comes down to money. Perhaps now is the time to, um, have an evaluation review of which missionaries are being supported and why?