Bro Gary Hawkins 12: IT BIBLE

[thoughtful]

4/4, afternoon. Time for prayer requests.

Gary says he bets all of us wish we could go to church tomorrow.

Then he says he may never go to "Walmart's" again (so, they went to Walmart again today? Is there ever a day when they don't go out looking for all of the virii they can, then spread them around?). He laughs and says "Woman in there yelling and screaming, man, need to pray for them people at Walmart's. I don't know that I ever want to go back to Walmart's again - crazy, crazy, crazy!" He repeats these ideas again and again.

Maybe it's God's way of telling you to stay the fuck in that church, Gary!

Becky is cooking dinner, so she won't be joining them. She comments on Facebook to thank him for going to Walmart.

Gary says "Hello" - then freezes for several seconds, and finally says "y'all." That's because:

Spoiler

Jethere Fuqua had just signed on, and I think Gary is afraid to try to say his name! 

Gary cites several instances of people getting saved via online and video sermons, and makes sure we know that he's been doing Facebook live for a year. "I'm not against using Facebook, per se" but he thinks people will use it as an excuse to stay home when this is all over.

A man signs on whose last name is Kim, and who looks Asian. Bro Gary says Hello, Brother, from . . . China I guess it is." The man politely posts "watching from Korea." Gary does eventually notice that, and he apologizes.

Michigan is putting the hammer down and not lettin' people go to church.

He does notice that someone posts about a suicide, and fairly solemnly recognizes how horrible that is.

But then he is back to talking about how good the drive-in church idea is.

Becky had to remind him of Bear's name again.

Wait - I have something good to say about Gary! He defended the practice of praying for animals.

He tells us that the Heritage Baptist Church of Groton NY sent a tract out about the virus to every household in the town.

And he's back to talking about "crazy people" at Walmart yelling "six feet apart!"  Walmart only allowed two people from each family in. They went to Dollar Tree, as well, and were asked to only bring two people next time (so I guess all three of them went in).

Gary had another cancellation, but they are also going to send him money, and a total stranger who says he's not a Baptist contacted him and said he wants to send Gary money, as well. Gary and Jethere remind us that we can use PayPal to send money.

Gary is expecting a visitor, a missionary whose calling is to convert Papua (Gary says "papa") New Guinea, who coming from Arkansas to Texas to stay with them. Yes, Gary and Becky are hosting guests in the church space that they are grifting, and everybody's going to share whatever virii they've encountered.

Gary needs to have church, he needs to fellowship. He heard that the drive-in movie theater may still be open. He tries to explain that they are going to close down . . . he stumbles . . . the place where people buy food . . .  and we hear Becky's voice: "concession stand." Gary says he can't make it through a movie without havin' to get up and go to the bathroom. Thanks for sharing, Gary. But his point is, if they can have an "issintl" movie, why isn't church "issintl?"

He asks for prayers for Jonathan the Filipino preacher again.

He starts to wrap it up by saying he hopes dinner is ready, and runs through as many of the prayer requests as he can remember, and gives us his phone number again.

In case we want to talk about Jesus.

 

[Ozlsn]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Maaaaa, you're live!"

Oh dear, now I want to alternate between that and "hello cats and kittens" at the start of Zoom meetings.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Paying Gary not to come preach sounds like a better plan than paying him to come preach

It seems likely to reduce viral spread that's for sure.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Pray for Becky to find a new chiropractor, because the one she saw charges $40 for five minutes.

Rake in the dollars now, before the market falls too far!

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Pray that the YMCA opens again, because Gary needs to get back to exercising. He tells us all about his exercise routine.

Never have I wanted proof of something more. Except not pics. Receipts and a sign in log would be fine.

[keepercjr]

On 3/28/2020 at 6:57 AM, Idlewild said:

I’m a newcomer to the delights of Gary. Is he sufficiently off grid not to be able to claim the financial relief being made available or do we think he’ll apply for it and just keep quiet about it? Or maybe suggest others donate theirs to a bible preachin’ pastor?

My guess is no, or not for a long time.  I highly doubt they file any taxes so the IRS doesn't have direct deposit info.  I hear they are trying to get a check to everyone but how would they even know about Becky and Gary?  They probably don't understand that the $ isn't just going to magically appear in their bank account.  Plus they aren't going to get any $ for his minor son because again, he isn't filing taxes and claiming him as a dependent. 

On 4/3/2020 at 5:02 PM, thoughtful said:

Gary's got four siblings (hey, he knows the word siblings!) and seven children, and "all of 'em ain't doin' right." Two of his siblings, he says, "have gone off to, uh . . . whatever you wanna call it, it ain't a Baptist - well, all Baptis' churches ain't good. I hate to say that, but that's the way it is. Amen (and snort). Not all independent Baptist churches are good.  HAYMUH!"
 

I am surprised about the 4 siblings.  I know he has a 2 sisters and a brother.  Didn't know about the 4th at all.  Unless he counts himself as the 4th sibling??  The brother and 1 sister are just as fundy as him but 1 sister wears pants and has raised children who are pretty much everything Gary preaches against.  And good for them!  If there is another sinning sibling (since he does reference 2 of them not doing it his way), they don't have much contact with the rest of the family.  The one sibling I know about does see the family occasionally but she doesn't live in the same town as them so it isn't very often.  And it does seem like the family accepts her son (the anti-gary) and his wife. 

On 4/3/2020 at 7:42 PM, thoughtful said:

She says all of this with a smile, but I get an impression that they have somewhat of a mom/child relationship. I guess she loves him, as mind-bogglingly stupid and vain as he is. She also does some parenting while trapped behind Gary, quietly telling their son, who is off-camera, what to do, and helping him with math.

I had a dear friend who had a lung transplant due to Cystic Fibrosis (same disease I have).  I met him after his transplant so I didn't know him before then but he was very forgetful and often had trouble finding words.  I am sure it had to do with medications.  His lovely wife just filled in sentences for him as needed.  He was a smart, sharp and loving friend.  His mind just didn't want to cooperate sometimes with what he was trying to get out.  I notice that I am having a bit of trouble now with word finding and my family is complaining that I don't listen (I sincerely do not notice they are talking to me) and I believe it is a newer medication I am on.  But the benefits to my health are completely worth it.  Gary has probably always been this much of an idiot and she knew that when she decided to marry him.  I am sure she is used to it now but I can't imagine being so much more highly functioning than my spouse and knowing it all along.  I can't imagine they have any kind of intelligent conversation. 

 

11 hours ago, thoughtful said:

BTW, Gary's live videos are periodically interrupted by sounds coming from his computer - I've never done a Facebook live, so correct me if I'm wrong, but those are the sounds of people signing on or commenting, right? Well, instead of the standard "ding," some of them have other sounds. One is the "Dixie" car horn from Dukes of Hazzard, one is Trump yelling about something. It's a bit startling at first, but entertaining when Gary gets dull.

I am 99% sure he does this from his phone but instead of holding it and getting a view up his nostrils like we used to, they now have some kind of stand for it since they use it for live streaming the scream preaching he does at churches.  I believe sounds are him getting text messages or messages via facebook. 

[Ozlsn]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Jesus loves ya. Y'say how do you know? He gave his only begotten Son."

Wait - what?

Nothing says "conversant with the basic tenets of Christianity" quite like that sentence.

I'm actually starting to wonder if Gary has an ABI, early dementia or similar. 

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary can't breathe, walk, talk or be married without Jesus

Oh dammit, now I have to Google the name of the period of English history where people couldn't be born, die or be married (Except in church porches).

[keepercjr]

One more thing - that pastor who has COVID-19 that Gary and Becky have mentioned (plus they have asked for prayers on facebook) isn't doing too well.  He seemed to be improving but the latest development today is that they were trying to wean his sedation (he is on a ventilator) and he vomited and aspirated.  So, a big setback.  The rest of his family (wife and his adult married children and their families) all got COVID-19 too.   Thankfully not as sick as him though.  They had posted that their mom was quite ill and they were taking her to the hospital but I guess she isn't admitted since they haven't updated on her since. 

[Dandruff]

4 hours ago, Xan said:

Jesus had a son?

That, or he begot himself.  Which sounds interesting.

1 hour ago, keepercjr said:

Gary has probably always been this much of an idiot and she knew that when she decided to marry him.  I am sure she is used to it now but I can't imagine being so much more highly functioning than my spouse and knowing it all along.

She wasn't high-functioning enough to not marry him.

[thoughtful]

9 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

Never have I wanted proof of something more. Except not pics.

Aw, c'mon - that would be comedy gold! Picture Gary, in one of his usual outfits, maybe a cowboy hat, working out at the Y, rolling from one exercise station to the next on an office chair, bellowing HAYMAYUN after each rep.

9 hours ago, keepercjr said:

Gary has probably always been this much of an idiot and she knew that when she decided to marry him. 

That's my thought, as well. Becky is a bit of a mystery to me. While I don't doubt that she shares Gary's repulsive beliefs (maybe not all - the timing of that interruption of the communism rant to talk about people who actually needed help was interesting), she seems like a vastly more pleasant and hard-working person (not that it's hard to be vastly more pleasant and hard-working than Gary).

I wonder why she slaves away for this man. Her little comments and help are always made with a smile (if she's on camera), but the smile sometimes looks like "well, there he goes again," and the tone of voice sometimes matches it. I can't quite tell if it's "keeping sweet," love for her man-child, passive-aggressive, or a mix.

And I hope you know I'd never mock someone who didn't deserve it - Gary, with his bigotry, self-righteousness, pigheadedness, and unwillingness to work, richly deserves it. A brain that doesn't work normally is no excuse for cruelty.

My parents and I have pretty substantial problems with word-retrieval. Names just refuse to come out of the brain and to the mouth for both my Mom and me, and my father had this problem with common nouns as well as proper ones.

9 hours ago, keepercjr said:

I am 99% sure he does this from his phone but instead of holding it and getting a view up his nostrils like we used to, they now have some kind of stand for it since they use it for live streaming the scream preaching he does at churches.  I believe sounds are him getting text messages or messages via facebook.

Ah, thanks. I said "computer" without thinking - I sometimes forget that most people are doing things on their phones. And thanks for explaining what the interruptions were.

And thank for posting the update on Gary Lutrick - I was going to add that, but Bro Gary wore me out, and I was just too tired!

[keepercjr]

46 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

 

And I hope you know I'd never mock someone who didn't deserve it - Gary, with his bigotry, self-righteousness, pigheadedness, and unwillingness to work, richly deserves it. A brain that doesn't work normally is no excuse for cruelty.

Oh no I know you would never be cruel!  Gary deserves everything that has been said about him.  I think Gary’s problem is a mix of an undiagnosed learning disability that made his substandard homeschool education even worse than it would have been, a gigantic ego, toxic beliefs and willful ignorance.  He don’t need no learnin’, especially from them liberal universities!  He is functionally illiterate.  He can read bit he doesn’t grasp nuance or the flow of the text.  As you know, listening to him read is like hearing  a small child learning how to read a story.  Just independent words on a piece of paper.  
 

I think if he didn’t have Becky, he would just be a bum on his parents’ couch, making Facebook live videos and preaching occasionally.  He talks about needing the churches to be open and whatnot but he never ever mentions that his home church, pastored by his father, is literally just the family.  They don’t have other attendees.  Becky makes this road show possible, takes care of his kids, and is the brains behind this whole operation.  All while “keeping sweet” and sacrificing her own kids.  My speculation is that she figured Gary was what she deserved.  She was divorced, her ex husband is gay, and she had crushing self esteem.  He told her all the things she needed to hear.  And I am sure he was employed at least part time and she probably was too, as a nurse.

Speaking of Becky, I think that there is something in the custody order that prohibits contact with Gary.  He only talks about her visiting her kids.  Not “we” or “us”,  it is always “she”.  I am guessing that the dad, being gay and knowing alll about Gary from his videos and Facebook page, got a judge to agree that he is not to be around the kids. I can’t imagine the horror of realizing your kids are being raised by someone like Gary.  The older daughter was the first to escape and she probably told dad all about how toxic he is in person and then he was able to successfully get custody of his other kids.

Oh and I use a mix of my ipad and computer.  You aren’t the only computer user

[Dana723]

16 hours ago, thoughtful said:

4/3, evening. Gary and Becky are sitting together, Becky is looking down. Gary, sounding rather like a sheep, says "Maaaaa, you're live!" to make her look up.

 

 

Thank you for taking one for the team and recapping these.  You will definitely get a crown and mansion in heaven, HAYUMEN!  I don't know when I've laughed so hard!

[thoughtful]

2 hours ago, keepercjr said:

 My speculation is that she figured Gary was what she deserved. 

That's an interesting thought, and I think you're on to something. I think she is very self-conscious about her appearance - she seems confident in other ways, but that may be that Mom/nurse/good work ethic habit kicking in.

And she may have felt she needed to take on a burden for the Lord (that would be Gary) when her first marriage ended. If she is as clueless about homosexuality as Gary is, she may have even thought it was her fault in some way.

2 hours ago, keepercjr said:

I think that there is something in the custody order that prohibits contact with Gary.  He only talks about her visiting her kids.  Not “we” or “us”,  it is always “she”.  

I'm pretty sure that's the case.

If only it was legal to prohibit Gary from any contact with the rest of humanity.

 

[thoughtful]

Sunday service at First Baptist Church of Ennis, TX:

The service has a title on Facebook: Some Things I'd Hate to NOT KNOW.

Picture everything described below with long, dull gaps during which nobody does anything between each part of the service.

Gary's son accompanies someone from the church (the music minister?) singing Onward, Phenomenally Out of Tune Soldiers.

I skipped ahead.

The pastor greets them, and it sounds like only a few voices yelling "Amen." He tells them to be thankful, despite the Corona virus. He's an ummmmmer, but not quite as inarticulate as Gary (who is?). He says he's still waiting for the city to tell them whether the upcoming revival will be outdoors or in the church. He also greets Miller, the guy from Arkansas, so I guess he made it there.

They may have two services on Saturday. "I suspect the Lord's goin' to do somethin'." He asks for prayers for various people, including droning on about the specific health issues of one parishioner (he says he won't say her name because they're on Facebook, but I now know all about her arteries).

Some guy whose car tires were bad prayed for a tire dealer's wife with cancer and got free tires.

He tells a story about a "muslin" at a store who is leaning towards Christianity, because his mosque closed, and he couldn't understand why they'd do that if they serve the One True God. He said the man told him he may choose the Baptists instead of the Catholics, because they kept their doors open (loud Amens from Gary and Becky).

Anyone who doesn't belong to First Baptist should keep their mouths shut about the church still being open (loud Amens from Gary and Becky).

He prays (his sing-song is a little different from Gary's - more droning - his "insert anywhere" word is "Lord"), and then the music guy gets up again, and says something that I can't quite catch, but I got some of it: "As a schoolteacher, I would say that we can go down and preach to 'em, in the city, let them know that we . . . that's OK . . . I tell you, folks, all this quarantine stuff . . .incredibly stupid thing to say . . .  that's what happens!" It sounds like it might be either incredibly offensive, comedy gold, or both. It's at the 12 minute mark, if anyone else wants to give it a try (the link is in the church name, above).

Then he exhorts them to look happy, instead of worried - "smile a little bit, look like you want to be here!"

They sing He Leadeth Me, Oh, Blessed God.

I skipped ahead.

They make sure everyone knows how to mark the envelope when donating. They sing Hold the Fort, which begins with the lyrics "Ho! my comrades, see the signal, waving in the sky!" Which, of course, makes me picture:

Spoiler

I skipped ahead.

Another preacher comes up to read Hosea 4:1-10 . Gee, I wonder how that was chosen. Could it be:

Quote

the Lord hath a controversy with the inhabitants of the land, because there is no truth, nor mercy, nor knowledge of God in the land.

2 By swearing, and lying, and killing, and stealing, and committing adultery, they break out, and blood toucheth blood.

Hey, assholes - the controversy is because you are killing, and letting blood touch blood.

They sing I Know Whom I Have Believed.

I skipped ahead.

The Pastor is up again, and introduces the Hawkinses. Gary says it's good to be in church (beat that dead horse, Gary!), could be in Hell or in jail!

They don't announce what they are going to sing, and I don't recognize it.

I skipped ahead.

The pastor comes up again, and that takes us 1/3 of the way through the service. I shall resume later -- gotta get some work done.

Haymayun!

Edited April 5, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[keepercjr]

today's update on Pastor Gary Lutrick.  He is still hanging on

[Xan]

1 hour ago, thoughtful said:

Sunday service at First Baptist Church of Ennis, TX:

Anyone who doesn't belong to First Baptist should keep their mouths shut about the church still being open (loud Amens from Gary and Becky).

I'm listening to this now.  Do all the KJV-only churches do this "Amen Haymayun!"  back and forth all the time?  

"Reach down and stir up the power, Lord, and let us blaze, Lord."   "No germ... uh...no kind of germ, no kind of powers can live in the fire.  And so, I pray, Lord, you just light us afire, Lord, with your word..."    I hate to be the one to tell you this, guy, but those germs can live a long time and, unless the Lord actually sets the church on fire, they'll survive no matter what you preach.

Just for you, thoughtful:

Music guy says that if you're going down the street in the city  you "let them know that we're going to make a pretense that we wanna be intense".  Well, let's think about that for a minute.  Pretense...intense...  Oh well, that's okay.  Doesn't make any sense.  I tell you folks -- all this quarantine stuff.  You (intelligible) the stupidest things to say.  You doctor yourself all the time, that's what happens."  Then they sing.

Oh, holy crap.  Gary, Becky, and the son are doing a song.  This is painful.  Oh no.  They're doing another one.  There have to be congregation members listening at home.  I'm sure some have dogs that are howling.

Preacher is back on.  You're right, thoughtful.  You have to skip around.  This is torture.

 

Edited April 5, 2020 by Xan

[thoughtful]

Thank you, @Xan. I am willing to undergo the torture of listening to them speak, in the hopes of finding some gem for FJ.

But I had to skip the music.

A martyr, I'm not.

[thoughtful]

OK, 33 minutes into this festival of faith. ?

The pastor gets up again, and takes forever to say that he thinks that the county asked them to limit gatherings in error, and didn't intend to stop church, but that the devil is enjoying it.

Then he takes forever to say he heard a song and asked Joe to learn it. I couldn't listen to that music-killer, but I found another performance of it online. It's all about martyrs, and how we should be just like them. and it's really bad, even with pretty good singers who sing it about four times faster than Brother Joe. And there's a slide show!

Spoiler

 

The pastor comes up again, to talk about martyrs, really slowly. He says it wasn't only the Roman Catholics who burned their forefathers at the stake, sometimes it was other Protestants, or governments. So, it's not just the Catholics  they should be avoiding. He corrects this to say that he means the doctrine and church, not the people, because the people "are just dying and going to Hell like anybody else, they need Jesus just as much as a lot of Baptists." 

The reason they still have the right to meet is because of the sacrifices their ancestors made, standing up for Jesus. He starts to discuss the reading from Hosea, and tries to explain why he chose such an unusual reading for this Sunday before Easter, by saying: "They call this Palm Sunday, 'n' all of that, well that's good, y'know, and give yourself a, a, a handshake, and whatever, but this isn't your average message, or your average Palm Sunday message, I guess."

Give yourself a handshake?

He says the message of the reading isn't supposed to be encouraging.

Then he gets going, faster, but not any more inspiring. He says a lot of people get visions, but they don't necessarily mean anything ("you can get a vision watching Oprah, Amen? Not a very good vision." He also says you can get a vision eating pepperoni then lying down. Haha). But the vision has to come from knowledge of the Bible.

"You know uhhh what's killing America today is not the coronavirus, it's not some Chinese conspiracy - I'm sure every one of those has uhhhhhhh, has a hand IN it - but  what's killing America today is a lack of knowledge." (loud AMENs from Gary and Becky - my irony meter just broke).

"You know, the average university graduate doesn't know as much as their grandparents did. That's sad." He rolls out some fake anti-education tropes I won't bore you with, and talks about how people reject the knowledge of the Bible, how the old ways were better, etc. -  the usual shit.

Our ancestors were better - "They may not have known how to assemble a car, but they could assemble people."

But now, "fathers aren't teaching their kids how to be men." Even the girls?

Finally, the title of the sermon appears. But it still takes him a long time to get around to saying what they are. Here are the things he would hate NOT TO KNOW (add ummmms as you'd like, and loud AMENS from the congregation after each):

- I know I am saved
- I know that God isn't going to open His hand one day and throw me out
- I know that one day I'm getting to heaven (with lots of details, which I will skip)
- I know that I'm eternally saved (with lots of details, which I will skip)

Do these sound like more than one thing to anyone? Sounds like it's all the same thing, to me.

He tries to quote John 3:15-16 forgets it, and needs help. No wonder he and Gary like each other. He disses non-KJV bibles, because there's a difference between "eternal" and "everlasting."

He offers a prayer for Trump and the governor, and for the mayor to get the knowledge she needs and know the will and the way of God.

That's 2/3 of the way through - if I have the strength, I'll finish it later.

[thoughtful]

OK, back to John 3:15-16. Eternal and everlasting are two different things because they are two different things. God is eternal, which he says means having neither beginning nor end. Everlasting means having a beginning, but then going on forever.

He talks about not seeing the holy spirit in people, but he can see the effects, just like, if he gets home and doesn't see his wife but he sees that the house is clean, he sees her effect. ?

He goes into some bizarre explanation of how, if the holy spirit is in us and we are in God, we have eternal life, not just everlasting life, and are joint heirs with Christ. 

He says a bunch of things that get laughs, but I can't figure out why (a little after 1:04, if anyone wants to figure it out). He switches to yelling for a while, ranting about the Catholics claiming to have the key to the door of Heaven ("why do I need a key to the door of Heaven, when I have the door?").

Back to things he would hate not to know. Number 1 - not to know the will of God for his life.

He starts some metaphor about getting a new job, takes off his jacket, interrupts himself to ask if anyone is offended that he took it off, then said it doesn't matter, mumbles something, then says he heard that Joel Osteen was tested, and his test came back negative - for Christianity. He gets laughs.

Back to the imaginary job - imagine showing up for a new job and not knowing what your duties are. He says that the lack of knowledge in the US is causing divisions, because we've got a lot of educated idiots.

Third (what happened to second? I don't know - I went back and listened again, but never did find it) - and he doesn't list another thing he would hate not to know, just launches into a long explanation of how to tell whether you are hearing from God or the devil.

"Have you ever tried to, and I don't know,  um, but growing up we'd like to go off to this  boy, he was more wealthy, just had a lot of cows and horses." No, it doesn't turn into a confession of childhood bestiality, just how hard it is to get cows to go where you want them to go. God needs to "slap you back here" and "slap you back there."

"There's a lot of children out there, and a lot of bastards called children, that don't open this Word, and don't read it."

He says that God gives liberally, then "One day I'm going to preach that God is a liberal God." Gets a big laugh.

At 1:21:40, he does something I still can't believe I heard. You need to hear it for yourself - a shriek of "Say Pastor!" that is so high-pitched, I thought someone had grabbed his balls. I tried to link the exact spot, but it doesn't seem to work.

Working out your salvation is like working out a  difficult splinter, and he describes that in icky detail.

"Joseph came out of his closet when Jesus died. Nicodemus too!" "Christians need to come out of their closets."

He's back to the list of things he'd hate not to know. He doesn't tell us what number we're on. He'd hate not to know that the power of God is gone from his life, like  Samson.

He'd hate not to know that judgement was coming. These are the end times. Really.

Hey, Gary - this guy can pronounce "reprobate." You should get him to teach you.

He'd hate not to know a bunch of other stuff, but doesn't say anything else amusing. And the video ends before he's finished.

I'd hate not to know that the person filming had stopped.

[Ozlsn]

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

imagine showing up for a new job and not knowing what your duties are

This guy has literally never started a new job. I mean yeah, there's a position description but discovering the actual role is often quite different.

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Joseph came out of his closet when Jesus died. Nicodemus too!" "Christians need to come out of their closets."

And the irony meter's on the blink again.

2 hours ago, thoughtful said:

why do I need a key to the door of Heaven, when I have the door?")

For some reason this made me laugh. Why do you have the door? Does God know his door is missing?

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

what's killing America today is a lack of knowledge.

So close... he's so close...

[Dana723]

3 hours ago, thoughtful said:

"Joseph came out of his closet when Jesus died. Nicodemus too!" "Christians need to come out of their closets."

 

I died...I just died...

[AmazonGrace]

10 hours ago, thoughtful said:

He says a bunch of things that get laughs, but I can't figure out why (a little after 1:04, if anyone wants to figure it out). He switches to yelling for a while, ranting about the Catholics claiming to have the key to the door of Heaven ("why do I need a key to the door of Heaven, when I have the door?").

 

That's what I always say. My house has a door so why on earth would I need the keys?!?

[thoughtful]

4/5 - Sunday evening service.

The opening song, Glory to His Name (aka Down at the Cross) was not as bad as usual. Brother Joe and Becky and Gary's son up front, but we can hear Becky, and occasionally Gary, singing, in between commenting to one another. Becky always sings harmony, and she's not too bad, if she knows the song.

Pastor Ummmm prays, then they sing "We'll Understand it Bye and Bye," then "I'll Fly Away," with some comedy styling by Brother Joe (he stops the song in the middle to say they should sing "halleluyer" on the next chorus, and makes some droll remarks when his guitar strap unbuttons from the guitar), then "On Jordan's Stormy Banks" and "Are You Washed in the Blood of the Lamb." Their brief moment of not-too-bad singing seems to be over, so . . .

I skipped ahead. 

Brother Joe prays about the blood of Jesus, with lots of responses from Gary. Very dramatic - I think Joe is in the "show business is my life" category. Like the freakin' Master Thespian, this one. ?

The pastor gets up, and starts with . . . "ummmm," of course! He asks if anyone has a testimony, and Becky volunteers to testify. She thanks the Lord for her salvation, and showing up for her in a personal way. She says she doesn't often get a chance to be around a piano, and it's been a blessing to be able to practice during the week they've been staying there (she starts crying, and she chuckles through it) and even when she had to "stop practicin' 'cause I'm cryin'."

Gary, get a clue - that woman is exhausted, in pain, and I think she would like to stop traveling.

As I said in a previous post, I imagine Becky is, in many ways, as repulsive in her beliefs as Gary. But, just on the level of intelligence and everyday practicality, she's far beyond all of these babyish, self-centered men. I'm starting to think of her as the evangelicals' Elaine Benes.

Several other testimonies are heard - we mostly hear Gary's yelled responses. The first man, after the usual thanks for being saved, says he thanks God for allowing his wife to turn 16 (and gets a big laugh). He goes on to say they've been married for 15 years, and, with an "Amen," hopes he might get some biscuits and gravy this week. So clever. ?

Gary chimes in - he wants to thank the Lord for  . . . well, it's hard to say, because the ramble makes no sense, and I just don't have the patience to listen to this one enough times to type it all out (I have found out, while doing this, that these disconnected sentence fragments are much harder to remember than things that make sense - I have to stop the video and type out 1-3 words or noises at a time). But I think he's happy he obeyed God and came to Texas to preach, in spite of the virus.

A man testifies that someone in his family was sick in the middle of the night, with 104 fever, and how he called on Jesus "because they don't want you to go to the doctor." It's hard to hear, but he says he called someone and they told him not to bring her in unless she stopped breathing.

Several other testimonies - one man trying to be clever with the "too blessed to be stressed" trope, some others I can't hear.

The Hawkinses sing "I'm Standing on the Rock of Ages," "Thank God I Am Free" (they don't sound much better than Sadie Rodrigues), then chat among themselves for a while about what's next, then sing "God Has Been So Good to Me."

I skipped ahead.

The pastor reads from 1 Samuel 16:1-11, then prays.

He explains what revival is - God coming to the saved and reviving them. "Christians in America are in a state where they're in a comatose."

He scorns the fact that everybody thinks they're a pastor. I need the irony meter repairman again.

He relates the choice of David as King to some leaders being God's choice, and some other leaders are the devil's choice. Like Samuel, we sometimes have a "mourning problem," wishing someone or something from the past would come back, rather than accepting what God has for us now.

This is the same guy who was going on and on about the old days and ancestors being better only a few hours earlier. Again, irony meter broken.

Maybe he's trying to prepare them for the upcoming "tent revival" to be indoors, and pretty shabby.

Sometimes he disagrees with the Scriptures, but, like a child must obey the parent or get spanked (these people are spankers - what a shock), he eventually has to agree with God. He says most of us may not be sinning, but we wish we could get away with it. Not me, pastor Ummm.

He switches to Psalm 85. Because it has the phrase "will thou not revive us again" in it.

"I don't know that all this corona junk is the judgement of God, I'm not the judge, so I don't know. But I know one thing, it very well could be, especially the way we've been as Americans."

"You know what they did when plague broke out in Israel? They didn't shut down the congregation of the tabernacle, they ran towards it, to get the incense, to stand between the plague and the people."

Next is something about needing to sanctify the body to get saved.

Back to God's choice of David. Pastor Umm tries to imagine the young shepherd: "The Bible says he's fair - that means he's pretty. That means he's light-skinned (something I can't hear - sounds like "broody.") I can imagine a red-haired, freckled-face Jewish boy. You've got to say that's peculiar, at the least." We hear Gary say "mmm-hmm" in agreement.

Like the delegation that came to find David, we're supposed to stay standing until the King comes.

Ephesians 6:10-13. Shame on you if you are not standing when the King comes. Then he gets off onto some memory of a hurricane, and makes a joke about "I'll Fly Away."

The armor of God is not "one size fits all." God has an armor just for you. It's hard to sit down in armor, and once you're down, it's hard to get up again. He jokes that he's guessing - he's never worn armor, but his muscles are like natural armor.

He starts a prayer, and the video cuts him off at the end.

Here's my testimony - I am grateful that the choice of reading, since it was about David seeming like an unlikely choice for a God-chosen leader, was not just leading up to openly praising Trump and the governor, and contrasting them with the female mayor who doesn't want them to meet, because that's where I thought it was going.

Haymayun.

Edited April 6, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[AmazonGrace]

Our friend Fuqua: ·

Quote

21:54 If I pastor a church that was made up of High risk people I would close it but if the reverse was true I would keep it open.

I mean sure, there are bound to be plenty of churches that are either-or.

Who has ever heard of a church that has both healthy young people and elderly, sick people?

[thoughtful]

26 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Our friend Fuqua:

I loved that book when I was a kid.

Oh, wait - that was Flicka, not Fuqua.

(did we already go through this routine? I forget!)

[thoughtful]

4/6 - poor Gary, who only got to sing, not preach, yesterday, was rarin' to go this morning. This is the video on which Jethere's comment, that @AmazonGrace shared with us (AMEN!) was made.

We see this:

Spoiler

and hear tooth-sucking, heavy breathing, and Gary's greeting, before he realizes he needs to turn the phone around.

He says, "Somethin' was said during the church service yesterday, and, uhh, got a fault* with it."

* He may have said "thought," not fault.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 . Ya got 66 books, and God give us the Bible to be "wised up" about salvation. There are preachers, too, and gospel tracts and pamphlets, so there's no excuse for ignorance.

He reaches forward to turn down the volume on his phone while talking about how he always preaches salvation in his Facebook live videos, which leads to this lovely passage: "when I'm preachin' 'bout salvation, and I'm windin' my thing down, it was a little bit too high, we had it in the church here last night."

I did tell you that I'm 12.

He has tried his best to tell us how to be saved. He seems pissed that we're just not all getting it.

He sort of repeats the idea that Pastor Umm put forward yesterday, about authorities meaning well in shutting things down, but he thinks not all of them did. He says that three states have released prisoners due to the "vahris." And a few more states have closed down, and have said that gun shops are not essential.

I'm sure you will not be surprised to hear that Gary disagrees with this. He says we all need  guns, and now "they're tryin' to take our guns away from us agin." No, Gary, nobody's taking away your guns or those owned by, probably, everybody you know - they're just closing the places that will sell more, to prevent people from congregating.

More of his usual "it's more than just a vahris" conspiracy shit, and he says that's what God doesn't want us to be ignorant about. Wait, I thought it was salvation, Gary!

He says there are wicked people in government, and we need to vote them out. He think the "vahris" has something to do with the upcoming election.

The whole world is shut down, and his Filipino friend in Cold Springs can't go home.

But then he goes back to the liquor stores, Walmart's and the drive-in thee-AY-ter still being open, but they want to close church. "A lotta people believe it's not a 'tack on religion, well, that's where they're wrong. I can tell ya, no doubt, the mayor in this city said 'We will not allow church. No way, no shape, no form!'"

Make up your mind, Gary - is everything shut down, or is everything other than church open?

And he tells us again how nobody could sit in their car to watch a movie without needing to go to the restroom with the concession stand (he remembers what it's called this time) closed, and the police had to work that out.

"It's not to the martial law raht now, but it could git there."

He's just trying to encourage us, not to be mean.

We all should email and call all authorities and tell them everyone should be allowed to have church.

He says they abided by the six-foot rule in church yesterday. Not on the pulpit, they didn't - that is recorded on video. And it sure sounded like Gary and Becky were both right next to the phone in the congregation. Lies make the baby Jesus cry, Gary.

They didn't even shake hands or do the holy kiss. Anyway, he only kisses his wife. Nice to know - poor woman.

He thinks he had the coronavahrus in January, and so did Becky and another preacher he knows, before all the "scaredness." But he's following the rules, not gonna let somebody spit in his face (damn).

But it's more than a vahris. He warns us that there's a lot of fake news out there.

He says he's not planning to go out until Wednesday (I'll believe it when I see it).

Pray that the city lets them put the tent up. Stay home if you feel sick.

Quit throwin' rocks. He rants on about preachers disagreeing, and how horrible that is.  He's stinkin' sick and tired of people throwin' rocks, and claimed he hasn't thrown a rock or stone, or criticized anyone for havin' church or not havin' church.

Well, Gary, only if we discount those "I'm not sayin'" moments, followed by this face:

Spoiler

More of his usual shit - dawg groomers are open, there's no sinners prayer in all 66 books, etc. He invites us all to come to the revival, and gets caught up in time zone confusion again.

Lots of snorting in this one.

Edited April 6, 2020 by thoughtful
Satan sent a riffle - it's a conspiracy to put chips in us all!

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

there's no sinners prayer in all 66 books,

What is this about anyway? are we only supposed to pray using words from the KJV?

I thought some degree of improvisation was allowed.

[thoughtful]

8 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

What is this about anyway? are we only supposed to pray using words from the KJV?

I thought some degree of improvisation was allowed.

You'd think so, based on the way these guys pray. I don't hear them limiting themselves to passages from the KJV when praying (unless there's some long-lost apocrypha that only they know about, that include that lady's arteries and what's-that-dog's-name-Bear's arthurahtis).