Bro Gary Hawkins 12: IT BIBLE

[thoughtful]

OK, folks - I have girded up my loins, and am ready to listen to more Bro Gary.

4/1 - for just a moment, I hoped that he'd yell "April Fools!" and tell us that he is a Royal Shakespeare Company, method-trained actor, and this has all been performance art.

Alas, no.

Gary reminds us that he was saved on July 11, 1999 - we should really mark our calendars and celebrate it each year.

We have to have faith - he had faith this morning that the water would come out of the shower, the floor wouldn't collapse, the chair would hold him. Um, Gar - that's not like faith in God - we know how all of that stuff works, and could call a plumber or handyperson to fix them if they didn't.

Gary says we can't trust the news media or all them people tellin' lies, but we can have faith in God. And so, we get lots of Biblical examples of people who had faith and those who didn't, tortuously and inexpressively read.

First, Cain and Abel - for a moment, he freezes, and it looks like he can't remember which one was which. Finally, he says it was Cain's own fault that he brought the wrong sacrifice, and he knew it. "They was raised by the same mama and daddy, Amen?"

Gary's got four siblings (hey, he knows the word siblings!) and seven children, and "all of 'em ain't doin' right." Two of his siblings, he says, "have gone off to, uh . . . whatever you wanna call it, it ain't a Baptist - well, all Baptis' churches ain't good. I hate to say that, but that's the way it is. Amen (and snort). Not all independent Baptist churches are good.  HAYMUH!"

So much for no infighting among Baptists, and not throwing stones. Again.

Bring the right sacrifice. Cain thought he brought the right sacrifice. Wait, I thought he knew he didn't. Plan your rant a little bit before starting, please Gary. Anyway, the right sacrifice is yourself, and having faith. I think. It's always hard to tell with Gary.

Enoch and God were walking along, fellowshipping, "havin' a little shout and smell."  He refers to Enoch and God having "a little shout and smell" twice, so I know he meant to use that expression. I have never heard it before, and Google yielded nothing. Theories and illustrations are welcome.

Noah had faith. Noah and his family was "kor'ntined" in that Ark. And they was "kor'ntined" with a bunch of animals. Lots of chuckling, and a whoop, then the predictable - Gary asks us to imagine what it was like when all of those animals "used the restroom."

If you had to build an Ark today, you could use them cordless (he has to check with Becky if "cordless" is the right word for something that "ain't got a cord") modern tools, not "them old-timey things" Noah had to use.

Abraham had faith. "I got a wife, Abraham had a wife, you men - you better have a wife, not a husban'. Haymen!"

God told Abraham to go without telling him where, Abraham had no (he needs Becky's help again) survey trip. Gary just knew that God was calling him to evangelize in the US. Convenient, eh?

We don't know the details about Abraham's travels, but "maybe when we get to heaven, we can set down and have a talk - the men can set down and have a talk with  Abraham, and the women can go set down in a li'l corner over there and talk to Sarah."

When Gary first told Becky that he was called to go on the road, she said "You're in the wrong prayer closet." It seems he still reminds her of this frequently, but he's "not rebukin' her." But they went. Just like Abraham and Sarah.

"Now, when ladies get to a certain age, they no longer can have children any longer." Thanks, Gar. Who knew?

Gary reminds us that today is April Fools' Day  - "the devil's day." Wait, has Halloween been demoted?

Have faith, folks! I have faith that the next Bro Gary video will be as bizarre and offensive as this one was. HAYMAYUN!

Edited April 4, 2020 by thoughtful
corrected a riffle - Haymayun!

[thoughtful]

Before I listened to Gary's second 4/1 live, entitled "Breaking News," I noticed this comment, from our old friend Jethere, under it:

So I just couldn't wait to hear how Gary pronounced it!

Gary begins this live by wheeling himself up to the camera in an office chair.

The "pasture" told him that the Governor of Texas is now allowing church gatherings. Of course he didn't mean that church shouldn't meet, it was the city officials who misinterpreted it.

He rants about people going all kinds of places, then go to church and  get the disease and then blame the church for it. Chuckle. "Men have foolish ideas. Amen! If you wanna throw the boldness out there and tell people how foolish they are for havin' church or not havin' church, you're not close to God and you definitely  ain't a Christian."

You're throwing stones again, Gary.

He suggests that people write their governors and other officials, and ask them if they can have church, too.

He says that when his daughter had open-heart surgery right after she was born, the doctor said they couldn't go to church. Of course, Gary went to church (it's unclear whether this involved taking her or not, or if it was just that he wasn't supposed to bring back germs). So Gary has a history of this sort of shit. He says he can control how far from him people get at church. Not if JRod ever comes to the same church you're in, Gar!

So, the tent revival is on! "Thank God for a governor in Texas that'll stand up for right!" Church is "issinchl." He says either the church building or the tent are large enough to stay six feet apart, because not that many people come.

This vahrus been around since 1993, and now all of a sudden we all have to quit our jobs.

The rest is long, long strings of the usual shit - he sure can repeat! In the middle of his rant, we hear a moan, sounding like someone is in real pain, in the background. Gary doesn't even flinch. Focus - that man has focus!

And I never did hear him say Jethere's name. The comment was right at the beginning of this video - maybe it happened in a previous one, and I just missed it.

[thoughtful]

Still 4/1 - Gary appears with Becky behind him, to take prayer requests. He wants her to explain about her "corintation." Becky figures out that he means "quarantine" and corrects him. She also almost immediately says that it looks like nobody's signing on, and he might as well shut it off.

She says all of this with a smile, but I get an impression that they have somewhat of a mom/child relationship. I guess she loves him, as mind-bogglingly stupid and vain as he is. She also does some parenting while trapped behind Gary, quietly telling their son, who is off-camera, what to do, and helping him with math.

Gary talks again about the governor not realizing that the city officials would "take it that stiff and deep"  when he said not to gather. Gary mentions that they had some officers come by wantin' to know why they were still havin' church. Gary says he gave them his argument about people goin' to Walmart's. I'm sure they were thrilled.

He tries to get Becky to say something to the camera, and she pleasantly refuses.

Gary asks us to pray for Becky, since her back is bothering her (gee, Gary, was she cleaning and cooking while you were making Facebook videos?). He hopes she can get the "kairpracter" to "jerk her around" later in the day.

Gary is prayin' that this "Creenavahris" will bring people to the Lord. Pray for "prodikals" - some of us have got "prodikal" children who need to come back to the Lord.

He wants us to pray for Becky to practice the "piana" and get better at it. "Next year at this tahm, if the Lord tarries his comin', she'll be cocky with that thing, she'll be beatin' it up, and playin' it ups one side and down the other. Amen?"

Becky looks away from her son's math book to say "You've got high hopes, don't you?" with a smile.

And, just in case you didn't catch it before, Gary makes sure to remind us to stop blaming church for everybody gettin' the creenavahrus - they must've gotten it somewhere else.

Someone signs on and Becky finally speaks without being urged to do so. She says "you didn't bring me any food last night, but it's all right." She goes on to say that the preacher came in and said "My wife made y'all some tac -" then hesitates. Her son has to tell her that the word she is looking for is "tacos." It sounds like she'd never heard of them before, which seems unlikely. He says the "o" correctly, as it would be pronounced in Spanish, so maybe she just wanted to say it that way, rather than with the diphthong of a US accent.

She and Gary go on for a while about having Mexican food brought to them being the best thing about being quarantined in Texas. He repeats his victory of introducing the pastors to weenie gravy and biscuits, and they ask for White Lily flour again. Becky's not going to pay $15 for a bag of flour on Amazon.

The last 10 minutes are spent joking about weens and gravy, mock-fighting with commenters over who gets the flour, and laughing. It's the most human behavior I've ever seen from Gary.

 

 

Edited April 4, 2020 by thoughtful
riffle

[Ozlsn]

6 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Enoch and God were walking along, fellowshipping, "havin' a little shout and smell."  He refers to Enoch and God having "a little shout and smell" twice, so I know he meant to use that expression. I have never heard it before, and Google yielded nothing. Theories and illustrations are welcome.

It sounds to me like God and Enoch were having a farting competition.

6 hours ago, thoughtful said:

God told Abraham to go without telling him where, Abraham had no (he needs Becky's help again) survey trip. Gary just knew that God was calling him to evangelize in the US. Convenient, eh?

I totally read that as God calling Abraham to evangelize in the US, and had a really weird LDS/Baptist cross moment.

6 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary reminds us that today is April Fools' Day  - "the devil's day." Wait, has Halloween been demoted?

WTAF? Where on earth is he getting that from?

[Ozlsn]

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Church is "issinchl." He says either the church building or the tent are large enough to stay six feet apart, because not that many people come

So... they could cancel it with no noticeable effect then? Actually their last one it looked like Gary's immediate family only.

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

This vahrus been around since 1993, and now all of a sudden we all have to quit our jobs.

No, no it hasn't. Also Gary, what job?

5 hours ago, thoughtful said:

And I never did hear him say Jethere's name.

I almost want to listen to find out if it's the way I think it is. Almost.

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

Gary talks again about the governor not realizing that the city officials would "take it that stiff and deep"  when he said not to gather.

Dying laughing here.

 

[Idlewild]

Thank you for the recaps. So he’s determined to have a tent service even though he knows nobody will be turning up? It’s all about his ego isn’t it? 

Do we know what he did before he became a wandering preacher? I can’t imagine what kind of job he would do. 

 

[AmazonGrace]

Job? How quaint.

[thoughtful]

5 hours ago, Idlewild said:

Thank you for the recaps. So he’s determined to have a tent service even though he knows nobody will be turning up? It’s all about his ego isn’t it? 

You're welcome. I started another last night, but the Internet stopped cooperating, and I lost it. I will resume after I am finished teaching this morning.

But I will tell you that, in it, he very strongly refutes the idea that preachers and "pastures" only want to have services because they are "proud."

So there!

Of course, the fact that Gary seems compelled to do 2-3 Facebook lives every day seems to cast some doubt on that.

7 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

It sounds to me like God and Enoch were having a farting competition.

    

I assume God won, because . . . God.

[thoughtful]

Gary posted this video - guess he thought it was prescient:

4/2 - Gary begins with his usual prelude of tooth-sucking and talking about time zones. Then he actually prays! That's new. Then he recommends that we watch the video I posted above.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 is today's verse - be thankful for all things. Sounds pretty positive, for Gary.
He says people whose "pastures" have decided to "cancel church" and have online church should be thankful. "They say they care for their flock, and I'm not sayin' they don't" (key to Bro-Gary speak, when he says "I'm not sayin'" - he's sayin').

He says to be thankful for "pastures" who are still having church in person. He sounds more sincere about that.

He starts a sentence, then goes off on an amazing riff: "coronavahris, if ahm sayin' it right - they say I don't never say it right, I don't know - it's the China vahrus Amen I'll be prejudiced, that's what they called the President when he said that."

He criticizes people for throwing rocks, then goes on to say everyone should be thankful for whatever their "pasture" decided. Gary, you've been throwing rocks at people who aren't meeting in person for days!

Be thankful even though people have passed on. "You know what America people need? They need to be thankful."

Gary is thankful for cream rinse (OK, that was part of a long list of things included in his morning routine - soap, water, etc - but it struck me funny and I just had to give it a moment in the sun).

Gary is thankful for a good wife, who, when they tried going through the Chinese restaurant drive-through and found it closed, told him she is going to make him homemade Chinese food. "I like Chinese, amen." I guess the food is OK, even though you and Trump think the country is to blame for the virus, huh, Gary?

Becky has seen the chiropractor - he says now she has to get over what the chiropractor did. And then he gives us this touching description of how it made him feel to see her in pain: "Y'know, when you see your wife layin' over there in the bed or sittin' over there, and can't even get up to cook breakfast or cook anything, or do anything, and she's havin' to set on a heatin' pad, or set on some ice, just set there, it's hard to give thanks when you watchin' your loved one hurt, but the Bible says in all things give thanks."

Then, a 15 minute soporific, repetitive, miserable mumble about giving thanks for all of the bad things in life. Gary likes Chinese food and steak, but "sometime ya haveta eat with the low-class people, haven'tya? Fried bologna sandwich's pretty good, with a little cheese on it Amen!"

And he ends by telling us that, if we are not "borned agin," we'd better be thankful that we are not already in Hell. After listening to Gary for 27 minutes, including going back over some things to make sure I heard them correctly, I'm not so sure I'm not.

Edited April 4, 2020 by thoughtful
re-wording something - I hope Gary's grammar isn't contagious!

[thoughtful]

Still 4/2, only a few hours after the previous live. Gary has a very, very important question he wants to ask everyone. He says so, eight times.

He rattles off 2 Corinthians 13:5, with his usual mispronunciation of "reprobate" as "reptobate" - for me, that never gets old.

The question is "How can you prove that you're saved?" Well, maybe - he asks it a bunch of different ways.

He scolds anyone who considers questions about when the coronavirus will go away or when they will get their job back important. The only important question is whether you can prove you are saved.

Most of the rest is the usual loud-soft, fast-slow preacher performance of the usual evangelical tropes. Until he has what he calls a "brain-lock" and forgets the verse he needs. He finds it in his Bible, and it's John 14:6.  He has to look it up to recite it (Gary, I have that one memorized and I'm an atheist who didn't grow up hearing any of this).

BTW, Gary's live videos are periodically interrupted by sounds coming from his computer - I've never done a Facebook live, so correct me if I'm wrong, but those are the sounds of people signing on or commenting, right? Well, instead of the standard "ding," some of them have other sounds. One is the "Dixie" car horn from Dukes of Hazzard, one is Trump yelling about something. It's a bit startling at first, but entertaining when Gary gets dull.

One more time, he asks "Do you know that you know that you know that you're saved?" He wants you to call him!

[AmazonGrace]

4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

 

But I will tell you that, in it, he very strongly refutes the idea that preachers and "pastures" only want to have services because they are "proud."

 

Of course not, that is terrible slander, They want to have services because of the donations.

[thoughtful]

4/2 again, only about two hours after the previous live. Gary just got back from the store, he's hot and sweaty, and it's prayer request time.

Someone called yesterday and asked them to pray for their dog who has "arthurahtis." Of course, this exchange is necessary: "Becky, you remember the name of the dog?" "Bear."

What would he do without her? BTW, through most of this video, I can hear Becky quietly talking to their son - can't catch the words, but it sounds like she's doing what needs to get done while Gary verbally masturbates.

People gettin' on Facebook and cuttin' one another because they misquoted Scripture, but they should be prayin' for one another.

Pray for _________ (you know the drill).

He talks about his shopping trip a bit, and the bargain Becky found at Dirt Cheap.

As he's talking, his son skateboards up behind him, Gary gives him a bunch of keys, the kid goes to the door we can see behind Gary, unlocks it, returns the keys, then goes out. So I guess they are locking themselves in - don't know if that's at the church's request, or their decision.

Someone comments and asks for prayers for another preacher who, as Gary puts it has "got that thing."

Becky still needs prayers for her back, but is a little better (she might do even better if she hadn't gone to the store, Gary).

Gary is sympathetic to people who have some sort of function in churches, like playin' the piana or bein' a deacon, and he did the math of how many services they will be missing between now and the end of April (y'know, at the good churches where they go on Wednesdays and twice on Sundays, plus Sunday school). He asks Becky whether April has 30 or 31 days. She answers "30" instantly.

Gary says he counted it up, and tells us that they'll miss over 15 services, then changes it to 18, then 20. He warns them that it will be hard to get back into the routine after all those weeks of online church. "I ain't sayin' anything bad, I'm just sayin' the reality of life." Oops, there's your "tell" again, Gary. Do you want everyone from the US to come to your tent revival, asshole?

An arm (his son's?) reaches in and grabs a pen from Gary's pocket as he mumbles on. I have to say, I would be embarrassed to be going on like he does if there was one other person in the room, let alone live on Facebook. And I would say that even without the bad grammar or offensiveness. He really can get going, on and on, about nothing. He has no content, but he just keeps on talking!

Gary heard that some of the Waffle Houses are closing. Priorities, Gar.

Gary gets himself going, talking about Job never cursing God, and how he still "exkewed" evil. Then he steers sideways to Joseph: "Hey, we know that Joseph didn't, uh (waves hand around) . . . go with a woman, but  he had his coat and so hey y'know, "Joseph, run!" Fled! 'S'what the Bible says! And, uh, he's in prison, for somethin' he didn't do."

These Bible stories are so inspirational, aren't they?  ?

Becky helps him remember a few things to pray for, then goes back to working. Gary repeats himself a few dozen more times, then signs off.

Edited April 4, 2020 by thoughtful
Satan sent a riffle, but I am still thankful!

[AmazonGrace]

Not watching the videos but from @thoughtful 's descriptions he comes across as a  rambling old man who is losing his memory and not adjusting well to the social isolation. If a tree falls in the forest and no one says haymen how can the tree be sure it exists?

[thoughtful]

12 hours ago, Ozlsn said:

19 hours ago, thoughtful said:

God told Abraham to go without telling him where, Abraham had no (he needs Becky's help again) survey trip. Gary just knew that God was calling him to evangelize in the US. Convenient, eh?

I totally read that as God calling Abraham to evangelize in the US, and had a really weird LDS/Baptist cross moment.

Sorry - I was not careful with my pronouns. Yes, God just told Abraham to go, without saying where, and Abraham went and made Sarah go with him.

God told Gary to "go to America" (first of all, you were already there, and secondly, you mean the US, not all of the Americas, I'm sure, Gary).  It's just coincidence that Gary's "call" did not involve expensive travel, meeting foreigners, or not being able to get a steady supply of red weens and White Lily flour.

No golden plates, seer's stone or hat was involved. ?

[thoughtful]

19 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Not watching the videos but from @thoughtful 's descriptions he comes across as a  rambling old man who is losing his memory and not adjusting well to the social isolation. If a tree falls in the forest and no one says haymen how can the tree be sure it exists?

Rambling middle-aged man is more accurate - he's only in his 40s. And I don't think he's losing his memory - I think he has always been this idiotic, forgetful and resistant to learning.

I think the tree in the forest analogy is spot on - he just really needs to "preach" and know that someone hears it - he can't seem to live without that.

I know what it's like to have the urge to work feel almost like an addiction - I would get antsy if I couldn't teach. But I like to think I am better at what I do, what with the education I have, the lesson plans and practicing (as Gary would say "'n'everythin'"). And I don't feel like I've gotten results unless I, you know . . .  get results.

I think Gary just wants to let words fall out of his mouth and be praised for it.

Haymen!

Edited April 4, 2020 by thoughtful
clarity

[thoughtful]

4/3 - Gary says he's late this morning because he's been takin' care of business, and will do more after the video - "been busy, busy, busy - for our Lord."

He's always drinking something when he makes these videos - today he is eating, as well. Nothing about time zones today, but lots of meaningless mumbling and some healthy snorts!

He sent some folks a video, and it's about how this mess we're in is more than a sickness, and the government is behind it.

He quotes a preacher he was talkin' to - "I ain't gonna say what state he's in," and then says it's the one he's going to when he leaves Texas, then mumbles something like "if you follow me, you can figure that out." So why not just say Florida, dickhead? The preacher told him they was closin' streets down.

The usual crap - bars are open, dawg groomers are open, etc. Loud Haymens, then "good preachin' if I am doin' it Hallelujah." That seems to be Gary's version of

Spoiler

He finally gets around to reading his text - 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18. He pronounces the "ch" in archangel like the "ch" in church. He doesn't make any point about that, other than to say it's nothin' new, then he tries to quote Revelation 22:20 (of course, he says "Revelations") and has to go check that one.

He has some family and some in-laws - he won't say who ?- who are not ready for Jesus to come, they're not saved, they don't have a testimony. Fruit!

He tries to use growing a fruit tree as a metaphor, but admits he has no knowledge even though "ma daddy messed with produce all of mah life."

He decides to put the video he was talking about on Facebook. He says some preachers he knows have predicted that the Lord is comin' in springtime, has to ask Becky when summer starts, and doesn't wait for the answer.

More of his usual sing-song for 20 minutes, with a few highlights, below.

Jesus Christ is about to count to the last number, like a child playing Hide-and-Seek yelling "Ready or not, here I come!" And he didn't even need to watch the movie Left Behind (which he says doesn't even do Jesus justice) to know this. That gets him off onto his dislike of modern "Christian" music and movies.

The truth is "in the KING - JAMES - BIBLE. God wrote it before any movie come out HAYMUN! HAYMAYUN! Good preachin' if I am doin' it!"

"Lot of people are drowndin' this out with  . . . whatever kinda thing they can drownd it out with, but guess what! The Lord is still comin'."

He says he has a glass door in front of him, looking into the church, and says he sees people coming in to make arrangements for loved ones who have passed on. It's a sad time, but he figures it's "a whole lot cheaper on the pocketbook" if you can only have a gravesite - no family night, not havin' it in the church house, not havin' it in the funeral house, and preacher's only allowed 15 minutes to give the Gospel.

He says that, if Becky died, he'd go to her funeral, if she'd let him, and, if he died, she'd probably give somebody else an opportunity to go, which makes Becky laugh.

He quotes Corinthians with "reptobate" again.

He sings a little of "It is Well With My Soul." My ears may never recover.

Gary begs us "Please don't go to Hell. Please don't go to Hell."

Does anyone have any advice in answer to that?  ?

Here's the scary video he posted on Facebook:

 

Edited April 4, 2020 by thoughtful

[AmazonGrace]

Quote

He says he has a glass door in front of him, looking into the church, and says he sees people coming in to make arrangements for loved ones who have passed on. It's a sad time, but he figures it's "a whole lot cheaper on the pocketbook" if you can only have a gravesite - no family night, not havin' it in the church house, not havin' it in the funeral house, and preacher's only allowed 15 minutes to give the Gospel.

Well, if you have to die this is a good time, your relatives can get absolute bargains for the funeral.

[wallysmommy]

@thoughtfulThank you for the amazing recaps.  3 things sum it all up for me: Noah's cordless tools, Dirt Cheap and pink weens.  

[thoughtful]

The beginning and end of the video Gary posted are ranting of Biblical passages. Here are some of the claims in the middle of it:

George Soros is the richest man in the world, Bill Gates the second-richest.

Soros is a former Nazi officer, who embraced the belief of creating a master race.

Eugenics is based on Darwin, and all Communists used it as well.

Eugenics is the driving force behind Planned Parenthood.

Leadership of the eugenics movement has passed to Bill Gates.

Gates' Event 201 in October 2019 was actually a rehearsal for making people panic and submit to Gates' nefarious aims. The plushies given out were based on Covid-19.

Bill Gates wants to drastically reduce the world's population, which is the reason for his charity to vaccinate poor people - the vaccinations are really full of sterilization chemicals and chips to track people.

Gates is exploiting homeless people, drug addicts, and illegal aliens to experiment with inserting chips.

The coronavirus pandemic, even though there have been viruses that are much worse, is being used to force people to submit to the chips, so they can still participate economically.

Anybody see anything correct here?

 

[thoughtful]

8 minutes ago, AmazonGrace said:

Well, if you have to die this is a good time, your relatives can get absolute bargains for the funeral.

Can you imagine being someone who has to come to that church to arrange a funeral; heartbroken, worried about not exposing people or yourself to coronavirus, sad that you can't bring the extended family together.

Then you glance up, and see this watching you through the glass door, rolling around on an office chair, snorting and tooth-sucking:

Spoiler

 

Ooh, I caught him in mid-tooth suck!

?

 

[thoughtful]

4/3, evening. Gary and Becky are sitting together, Becky is looking down. Gary, sounding rather like a sheep, says "Maaaaa, you're live!" to make her look up.

While waiting to people to sign on, Gary talks about their trip to Dirt Cheap. He needs Becky to remind him that the things they bought (4 of them!) are called roasting pans. Becky makes sure to say that they are not for them, and Gary chimes in that they are for the church's camp meeting in the summer.

Gary makes sure we know that "if the Lord comes, we won't have to use 'em." Thanks, Gary - I always like to be reminded that the end of the world will prevent me from using kitchen equipment.

The Lord also blessed them with "three little somethings" today. One was that a meeting got cancelled, but they're giving him, as he put it "a little bit of money for not comin'."

Paying Gary not to come preach sounds like a better plan than paying him to come preach.

We don't find out what the other 2 somethings were.

Becky has to explain who one of their followers is - Gary calls the husband by the wife's name, and says he can't pronounce the last name (which is as plain and simple as can be). Becky pronounces it for him and he says "Hallelujah! I'm glad it ain't mine."

Florida and Indiana have "fully opened up" that church is "issinchl." Gary is mad at the mayor of Ennis (Becky has to remind him that it's the mayor, not the governor), because she's still saying no more than 10 people may gather. "But we know God is bigger than the mayor. HAYMAYUN!"

The usual pray for_______ routine.

"If the Lord's going to tarry His coming, let's pray for the election, amen, that people will wake up and smell this comminism mess and  jus' see how nasty it really smells, Haymen, 'cause it's really nasty."

As soon as he takes a breath, Becky chimes in to ask prayers for missionaries who are trapped somewhere in Arctic Alaska, where plane service to bring them supplies has stopped.

Gary's worried about small, struggling churches going under from all of this. I bet you are, Gary - you want their money.

Lots of bitching and moaning about governments forcing churches to close. He thinks that if people who know they are sick stay home, that will be enough. ?

Pray for Becky to find a new chiropractor, because the one she saw charges $40 for five minutes.

He has bragged in almost every video how he left a tract with a woman at a drive-through and she said "I will be readin' this pamphlet." So he does it again. Gary's exciting maybe-convert of the week.

Gary has to be reminded of Bear the dog's name again (the one with arthurahtis). They laugh about a memory involving Becky's dog, Rascal, and Gary says that laughter is like a "madison" (medicine).

Gary said they were out and about, and Becky tries to make it clear that they were running errands, not just wandering around. They did get Chinese food from a drive-through - I'm glad Becky didn't have to make it.

Gary tries to read an update about Gary Lutrick, and Becky has to read several words for him.

He says Sunday's service will be in the church building, since the governor (Becky reminds him again that it's the mayor) is "wantin' to be stupid. But we got a bigger God than a bigger Governor (Becky doesn't bother this time)."

In May, Gary is hoping to drive to meetings in North Carolina, then West Virginia, then New Mexico.

His advice for this weekend: "If you believe in gittin' out, git out. If you believe in stayin' in, stay in."

Pray that the YMCA opens again, because Gary needs to get back to exercising. He tells us all about his exercise routine.

He tells us he wants to try to fit in a devotional on Sunday mornings, even though he's also doing church. I think he's getting hooked on Facebook preaching.

Oh, and they also got windshield wipers at Dirt Cheap.

Someone asks him to pray for one another before he signs out, so he does. He prays and prays, and asks that God "be with the governor, uh, with the, uh (Becky: "mayor"), and work on her heart."

 

[Xan]

39 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

4/3, evening. Gary and Becky are sitting together, Becky is looking down. Gary, sounding rather like a sheep, says "Maaaaa, you're live!" to make her look up.

While waiting to people to sign on, Gary talks about their trip to Dirt Cheap. He needs Becky to remind him that the things they bought (4 of them!) are called roasting pans. Becky makes sure to say that they are not for them, and Gary chimes in that they are for the church's camp meeting in the summer.

Gary makes sure we know that "if the Lord comes, we won't have to use 'em." Thanks, Gary - I always like to be reminded that the end of the world will prevent me from using kitchen equipment.

The Lord also blessed them with "three little somethings" today. One was that a meeting got cancelled, but they're giving him, as he put it "a little bit of money for not comin'."

Paying Gary not to come preach sounds like a better plan than paying him to come preach.

We don't find out what the other 2 somethings were.

I appreciate the recaps.  Listening to Gary is hard...

"Thanks, Gary - I always like to be reminded that the end of the world will prevent me from using kitchen equipment." --  This was pure gold!

And I'd be glad to chip in a couple of dollars if he'd stop preaching altogether.

[thoughtful]

4/4, morning: Good morning from Texas!

Several seconds later: "It's Saturday night (Becky: "Saturday morning").

Gary's son sticks his head in the video this time. Cute kid, sweet smile, shame he has such a shitty father. Gary is referring to the people signing on as "customers." Now, I know a lot of people use that word innocently, even when they are giving something away, but somehow I think Gary really thinks of them that way.

Gary's gotta do this video quickly, 'cause they're "fixing to go to the laundrymat." Hope you don't give the creenavahrus to Lord Daniel, Gary!

Mark 4:35-40. He has trouble reading the words "asleep" and "pillow."

Someone posts that she is ironing fabric to make masks, and Gary can only think about the fact that he doesn't have one. He guesses Becky will have to get some fabric and make him one.

Back to Mark - Gary yells the basics of the story again, and continues yelling about how we all go through storms. "Where's your faith at?" He's working up to a big crescendo about Jesus, bellowing "HE CAN DO EXACTLY - " and stops dead to read the newest comment. Apparently, his passionate protestations of faith can be stopped and started at will.

Back to bellowing about the storms.

He reminds us that Florida and "Inianda" can have church. Texas, too, but not in the county or town they're in, because of the mayor (he actually gets it right this time without Becky's help - well except for confusing the issue by mentioning the county).

"I put a video on my thing,* I don't think nobody went and listened to it - that's your choice." And he goes on to describe that disgusting John Parish video as having a lot of truth.

* I know - I'm 12.

As he rants on about faith, the lady making masks says that's how she's trying to show her faith:

Gary ignores her.

He gets back into telling people not to church-shop just because we can pick and choose online. Stay with your "pasture," back him up.

A rant about the upcoming holiday: "It ain't Easter, it's Reshoor. Rection. Sundy."

Gary can't breathe, walk, talk or be married without Jesus.

He hands keys to someone (my guess would be his son, who I'm pretty sure is not old enough to drive), and tells them to go out and "crank the truck - make sure you take it out of gear first."

"Jesus loves ya. Y'say how do you know? He gave his only begotten Son."

Wait - what?

 

[Xan]

 

11 minutes ago, thoughtful said:

"Jesus loves ya. Y'say how do you know? He gave his only begotten Son."

Wait - what?

Jesus had a son?  Is it possible that Gary gets dumber the more he talks?  (I know.  I've got potatoes with more brain cells than Gary has but, you have to admit, his connections are getting looser.)

Edited April 5, 2020 by Xan

[griffin]

He thinks P-o-l-a-n-d spells Portland